And so it was that I wrote Block B fic...
Title: King Of The Bank
Fandom: Block B
Pairing: Gen, OT7 (sneak attack background TaePyo)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Swearsies
Summary: The captain and crew of the Blockbuster take on Halloween (Nilili Mambo/Very Good AU)
Written for the Halloween challenge over at blockisbang
3,936 words
Also on AO3
“We’ll get those fuckers back guys, don’t worry I’ve got this one,”
“Jiho I really don’t think-"
“Ah ah ah! Address me properly wench!”
“You know that ‘wench’ means woman, right?”
“This is a fact of which I am aware,”
“Fine then fucker, I think you, dumb shit that you are, have misunderstood what is meant by the term ‘trick or treat’”
“I fail to see where this misunderstanding occurred nuna, they failed to deliver a treat and now we get to trick them,”
“Don’t call me nuna,”
“But it’s so hard not to when you’ve got such a pretty, womanly face”
“Hard? What’s hard is not punching your ugly mug every morning,”
“And yet you pull through, thank you for being a bastion of self control”
“I swear to go-“
“JIHO YOU’RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!” Kyung shrieks, launching himself at the steering wheel, “and much as it causes me physical pain to admit it, Jaehyo’s right, you’ve misunderstood Halloween,”
“But how have I misunderstood it? I mean, what is there to misunderstand,” Jiho asks, reclining in the driver’s seat, perfectly content to let Kyung backseat drive, “aren’t you supposed to be able to just march up to people and demand whatever you want from them?”
“Pretty sure that’s our everyday job description,” Yukwon pipes up from the back of the van,
“He just wants an excuse to say that he’s legally employed for the day,” Taeil grumbles, “he thinks that serving girl at the Iron Skull will put out for a law abiding citizen,”
The endemic sarcasm in Taeil’s voice is completely lost on Jiho, who turns round and begins to mess with Minhyuk’s hair,
“Take good care of the costumes guys, there’s no way they won’t come in handy later,”
“Yes I always wanted to sail the high seas in a suit,” Jaehyo deadpans
“Why are we wearing them again?” Yukwon asks, going to adjust his bowtie,
“Because you’re supposed to dress up on Halloween so that no one can recognise you and no one would ever expect the captain and crew of the Blockbuster to be walking around on Halloween wearing dapper as fuck suits,”
“Yeah but that’s mostly because no one’s ever heard of the captain or crew of the Blockbuster,” Minhyuk cuts in, his contributions are also systematically ignored by Jiho, “and the outfits wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for these stupid hairstyles,”
“I like mine!” Jihoon says, indignant, Jiho beams at him,
“Maknae knows what’s up!” he chirrups, Taeil glances between the pair like he can’t decide which one of them he wants to kill first.
“Where do you want me to take this hunk of shit Jiho?” Kyung asks as they make a particularly violent swerve round a corner and Jaehyo nearly pisses himself. Jiho peers at the road thoughtfully,
“I’ll take it from here, good job Number 2, there’ll be a substantial reward for you when we get home tonight,”
“You mean when we get back to jail tonight, right?” Minhyuk leans forward to rest his head on Jiho’s shoulder, “just where are we going exactly?”
“To trick our stingy friends of not two hours ago,” Jiho grins
“Well yeah, but they're down on the main drag, you should have turned right two blocks ago,”
“Minhyukkie, you assume that we’re going in through the front door,”
There is deadly silence, broken by the rustling of plastic as Taeil unwraps a lollipop,
“Someone please tell me he doesn’t mean what I think he means,” Jaehyo whimpers
“I would love to,” Kyung breathes, “really Jaehyo you have no idea how much I would love to tell you that you’re wrong right now, but that would be lying and I’m an honest man,”
“You wouldn’t know the truth if it bit your dick off,”
“Maybe we should just brace ourselves for impact,” Minhyuk suggests as Yukwon sticks his head between his legs,
“Yeah you guys might want to grab hold of something, I’m pretty sure I’m heading for a weak point but you never know!”
“We’re going to die,” Jaehyo says emphatically
“We’re not going to die,” Jiho scoffs, “I would have thought that you’d trust me a little more than that by now.”
Jaehyo opens his mouth to say something witty and humiliating, but the moment never comes. First they see a brick wall coming up fast in front of them, and then the van smashes straight though the wall of the Seoul National Bank.
Kyung resurfaces to find an unpleasant mass of rubber being shoved in his face,
“Show time!” Jiho whispers, or at least he assumes it’s Jiho because it’s using his voice and wearing the hideous red velvet suit he’d picked out for himself, but his face is all wrong. The visage peering down at Park Kyung is pasty white, bright red lips twisted into a hideous grimace made all the more creepy by its dead eyes and freakishly large, red nose….
“Jiho is that a fucking clown mask?” Minhyuk asks from somewhere underneath him, he sounds squashed,
“Sure is, final part of the costume boys, suit up!”
Kyung takes the hideous rubbery mess proffered to him and makes a face, “or we could ju-“
Jiho bursts open the doors of the van and wanders out onto the bank’s white marble floor before Kyung has a chance to finish his sentence. Yukwon and Jihoon follow behind him, they’ve fished their guns out from somewhere and have managed to pull on matching clown masks and Kyung has to admit that the cashiers and customers look genuinely scared. He takes in the cameras trained on the three of them and says a silent thank you to whatever forces put the idea of masks into Jiho’s head because they would be fucked right now without them.
Kyung goes to put his mask on, but before he gets there Jiho has pulled his off and begun his address to those gathered in a cowering mass on the floor. Kyung could hit him.
“Ladies and gentlemen!” Jiho booms in his best captain voice, “I regret to inform you that earlier this evening a certain bank,” he pauses to glare meaningfully at anyone who looks like they might be senior management “refused to ‘treat’ us to a large sum of money when asked and as such it falls on us to 'trick' said bank. It is due to these previously unforeseen circumstances that today you have the honour of being robbed by the one and only Captain Zico of the dreaded vessel Blockbuster. Joining me in jacking your swag today will be U Kwon, P.O, Taeil, Jaehyo, B Bomb and first mate Kyung, we all have guns and we know how to use them, so if you could all just get your valuables out so that my boys can collect them that would be great!”
The bank descends into anarchy.
As civilians scatter, Yukwon and Jaehyo vanish almost instantly and Jihoon makes himself busy firing terrible shots in what Kyung strongly suspects is supposed to be the direction of the security cameras but as he doesn’t actually hit any of them it’s hard to tell. Minhyuk slumps against the open back doors of the van, watching Jiho systematically collect neatly stacked notes out of the draws behind each clerk desk, only to throw the whole lot in a haphazard pile on the floor that Jihoon keeps slipping in. There’s an expression of pained embarrassment on his face that Kyung can sympathise with.
Kyung surveys the damage, realises that there’s only one thing he can do to reclaim any kind of control over the situation and grabs a spraycan.
“Kyung what the fuck are you doing?” Jiho barks as the bank windows are slowly but surely painted red,
“I think he’s trying to stop people seeing what we’re doing,” Jihoon says, throwing an extra handlful of 50,000 won notes in his direction, “but honestly I think people are gonna notice if the bank has bright red windows,”
Jiho slams a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder, “you’re a bright one you are. Hey Kyung! Park Kyung! Stop dicking about and go find the safe why don’t you?”
Kyung whips around and Jiho can swear he sees a nervous twitch in his left eye, “yes captain,” the hapless first mate manages to croak out, but before he gets a chance to carry out orders he’s interrupted by a high pitched wail, echoing around the lobby and sounding entirely too much like something out of a horror film.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Jiho shrieks, snatching Jihoon’s gun out of his hand and brandishing it in the general direction of the source of the sound, which they all realise fairly simultaneously is their van. Minhyuk looks like he may never hear properly again.
A small dark streak shoots out across the floor, still whooping in what would appear to be joy. It moves to the far end of the room and what is, they all realise, the safe. The dark blob turns to face them, manic grin plastered to its face and something cradled in its arms,
“You brought the dynamite!” Taeil whispers around his lollipop, “I take back all my former reservations about this plan Jiho, we’ll have the loot in no time,”
“Right….” Jiho approaches Taeil carefully as he begins to set up the complex array of wires that supposedly controls the explosives, “you know what you’re doing, yeah?”
Taeil’s head snaps up and if the dynamite isn’t enough to scare Jiho then the little piston’s eyes most certainly are, “oh Jiho, I don’t think I could fuck this up if I tried!”
Jiho tiptoes back to the tills and hands Jihoon back his gun, “you know, I didn’t pack the dynamite,” he mutters, Jihoon blushes,
“Gotta keep him happy somehow hyeong,” he jerks his head in Taeil’s direction.
Neither of them notice that Kyung has vanished.
Yukwon rather likes dogs, dogs are cute and become flatteringly obsessed with you. The security guard evidently expects him to feel otherwise however and that rather saddens him,
“You know, I’d hate to have to shoot you,” Yukwon sighs
“You’d be better off shooting the dog,” she replies, expression unmoving. Yukwon scoffs at her and raises his gun,
“That’s cute, really, but I’m being serious. Tell me where the safe is or I’ll shoot.”
The security guard’s eyes narrow in confusion, “the safe’s in the lobby you idiot,”
Yukwon blinks, “what?”
Unfortunately, the pitbull terrier has just been let off its leash and it’s really not very cute anymore, Yukwon would give anything for his expression to have not been caught on CCTV.
“You may think that you have the advantage, but I was in training under top captains for five years and I’ve got three years active experience in hand to hand combat, trust me, you’d be better off just backing down now,”
Jaehyo takes a slurp of the energy drink that his opponent was nice enough to give him. The hooded figure shakes its head slowly and Jaehyo readjusts his gloves,
“That a Halloween costume?” he gestures to the black cape, “it’s good, you’ll definitely get some treats tonight. That’s why we’re here to be honest, we stopped by earlier and were rather rudely turned away, and you’re supposed to trick if you don’t get a treat and-“
Jaehyo is brought up rather short when his opponent shrugs of their - no her - gown to reveal a girl about a foot shorter than him boasting about the most impressive rack he’s ever seen. Her boobs have barely come into focus when he feels a vicious thwack to the side of his head and he sees stars.
He falls to the floor and the girl follows him, straddling his hips and continuing to wail on his head, it would be a lot of fun if she wasn’t trying quite so hard to hurt him.
“Hope the treat was worth it fucker, here’s your trick,” she hisses, and Jaehyo can already feel the headache he’s going to have the next morning.
Minhyuk passes the pile of cables to a rather shellshocked Yukwon, “what are you going to do with them?”
Jihoon pops out from one of the vast array of corridors with a mic and a guitar, grinning wickedly. Minhyuk tries to look disapproving but can’t stop a smile tugging on the corners of his mouth,
“We so don’t have time for you guys to play rock band,”
“Sure they do!” Jiho says, flicking another fountain of notes into the air, “Jaehyo should be done having his arse kicked any moment now and then we just have to wait for Kyung to show his arse back up again,”
“And when are we going to pick up this mess?” Minhyuk gestures to the river of cash on the floor and receives no answer.
“Oh don’t be such a party pooper,” Yukwon scolds and Jihoon actually pinches his cheek, “how often do we get to play a show in a bank?”
Minhyuk takes a deep breath and tries to work out if he’s actually in any danger of losing his temper, but is saved the trouble when Jaehyo flies through a set of double doors, slides along the marble floor and comes to a halt at Jiho’s feet, looking rather worse for wear.
“There better be a bath in prison I am in paiiiiin,” Jaehyo whines, Jiho gives him an affectionate kick to the ribs,
“Just waiting for Kyung now!” Jiho beams as Yukwon and Jihoon get down to the important business of pretending they’re in a band. Minhyuk stares morosely at the pile of money on the floor and thinks that he should probably do something towards getting it into the van,
“I can’t be bothered with this,” he mutters, and goes back to wishing Yukwon would stop trying to sing.
Park Kyung has seen a lot of things, he’s seen fifty foot squid do battle with sperm whales over the Mariana trench, he’s seen the Aurora Borealis light up the northern skies, he’s seen waves the size of skyscrapers off the Cape of Good Hope in stormy season, he’s seen an island so covered in seagull shit that the ground was white, he’s seen Jiho spend three weeks devastated by the loss of a pair of stolen diamonds, only to realise that they were in Jaehyo’s suitcase all along; but he’s never seen a banquet hall in a bank before.
More importantly, he’s never seen a banquet hall in a bank from the perspective of the main course.
“And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a lovely array of fresh vegetables for you all. You’ll see broccoli, peppers, and the keener eyed among you may even be able to spot our extra special, extra fresh cucumber, sourced just for this special occasion.”
Kyung examines the other occupants of the plate that his head appears to be resting on and establishes that he must be the cucumber.
Right.
He opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by the insistent banging of two balding men slamming their cutlery onto the table like they’re demanding to be fed. They stare blankly at each other, or the wall, or nothing, Kyung thinks he should be a little more terrified at the prospect of being eaten.
“I propose that we pass the plate around between us and everyone can take as much as they want, just remember to leave some for the rest of us!” the voice simpers from behind Kyung. At the other end of the table a woman peers eagerly back at him, and if he cranes his neck up just a little he can see her legs sticking out from underneath the table cloth, a long way from her torso. It’s either the best Halloween costume in history or a very good reason to get out of here as soon as possible.
The woman leans over him from behind him and goes to pick him up, but the problem is that Kyung’s head is still very much attached to his body and as long as he’s stuck under the table it presents a fairly substantial barrier to him being moved.
That doesn’t stop the tugging on his neck from being rather painful.
“Ow…you can’t pull my head off..ow…owowowow…STOP IT!” he whinges, limbs flailing wildly out of sight.
“Just a moment ladies and gentlemen we’ll have your dinner with you any second now,” the woman coos, apparently unphased by the fact that Kyung is still an intact and whole person,”
“If this is supposed to be a Halloween joke it’s not very funny…OOOWWW” the woman gives a particularly impressive tug and Kyung feels his neck crick. His leg lashes out and hits something. His fingers follow suit and close around the long leather covered handle, his fingers tracing their way down to the many leather thongs that make up the tail. He has no idea what it’s doing there, but he can use it.
With an unprecedented stroke of good luck, Kyung decides to try to bust his way out of the plate at the same time that the woman decides that she’s ready to go for broke on the whole ‘breaking Kyungs neck’ thing. She pulls up as he pulls down and the plate shatters, spraying the guests with raw vegetables.
Kyung rolls out from under the table and hops back up onto it, surveying the party. Apparently no one’s noticed that he’s moved because the two halves of the woman are still training their attention on the spot where the plate used to be and the men haven’t stopped banging their cutlery on the table. Kyung sighs and raises the whip above his head,
“I have no idea what you weirdos are doing, but I have places to be,” he announces. No one pays him any attention.
They sure pay him some attention when the whip comes down though.
Jiho is lying in a pile of money feeling rather bored. Jihoon and Yukwon have thoroughly exhausted the entertainment value of playing a concert in the bank, Taeil is too focused on his dynamite to pay the rest of them any mind, Jaehyo is lying in the back of the van whimpering every so often about how nice it would be if someone gave him a massage and Minhyuk will not be moved for love nor money,
“Where’s Kyuuuuuuuung?” he asks for the hundredth time. He’s met with a resounding chorus of silence from his crew and goes back to sulking alone, the sound of Taeil’s wire clippers the only interruption to Jaehyo’s complaints.
It’s getting to the point that Jiho is genuinely debating leaving without him when Kyung stomps back into the lobby, his hair sticking up at odd angles, a fork sticking out of his behind and a cat o’ nine tails grasped in his hand,
“Where ha-“
“I AM PRETTY MUCH DONE WITH THIS BANK ROBBERY JIHO, IF THE NEXT WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AREN’T ‘WE’RE LEAVING’ THEN YOU’RE GONNA HAVE FAR BIGGER CONCERNS THAN WHERE I’VE BEEN FOR THE PAST HOUR,” Kyung screeches at Jiho, raising himself up on tiptoes to have some hope of speaking to him face to face.
Jiho’s eyes narrow and he opens his mouth to shoot Kyung down, but really, he’s pretty much done with this bank robbery too,
“We’re leaving!” he calls out, as Taeil gives a final whoop of joy, that they all know means that the safe is ready to blow,
“NO! Hyeong please wait till we’re back in the van” Jihoon makes to intercept him, but it’s too late, Taeil has set the timer on the explosives and they have exactly 60 seconds to get out of the bank.
They waste fifteen of those seconds trying to compute this fact, before Jaehyo finds his strength and starts frantically trying to close the doors of the van,
“Oh my god I TOLD YOU WE WERE GOING TO DIE!” he wails as Yukwon shoves the instruments into the boot haphazardly. As the rest of the group scramble for purchase inside the van, Taeil strolls over, curls up against Jihoon and goes to sleep. Jiho shoves the keys in the ignition and even as Minhyuk wrestles the doors closed, they tear out of the bank.
They’re followed shortly by the dull roar of exploding dynamite. Taeil smiles in his sleep, Jaehyo flinches and Minhyuk rolls his eyes,
“Well that was a wasted effort,” he grumbles, “did any of you grab any cash?”
“Now who’s misunderstood Halloween?” Jiho scolds, “we weren’t there for the money, we were there to trick them, and I’d say that the National Bank Of Seoul was fairly well tricked.”
“I was chased by a pitbll terrier,” Yukwon replies
“I was beaten up by a girl,”
“I had to listen to your pathetic excuse for a rock band,”
“I was nearly eaten by two halves of the same woman,” Kyung shudders, and everyone gives him a funny look “face it Jiho, we were the ones who were tricked,”
“But we blew up their safe!” Jiho says indignantly,
“In all fairness, that was never part of the original plan hyeong,” Jihoon points out
Jiho turns to look back at him and Kyung leaps in to take the wheel, “ahh yes, please do tell me more about you’re 100% unilateral cunning plan to keep our little maniac over there happy, why exactly did you think it was a good idea to put him in the same room as a highly explosive device?”
Jihoon shrugs, “I just wanted to make sure he enjoyed himself,” he throws an arm around Taeil and pulls him closer, Yukwon rolls his eyes
“God it’s like you’re his fucking boyfriend,”
Jihoon blushes.
They reach the port and the place where the Blockbuster dropped anchor that morning to find that the end of the pier is rather more ship-free than they have been anticipating. Yukwon stares in confusing at the blank stretch of ocean as Jiho begins to panic,
“My ship! Where’s my fucking ship??” he howls
“Our ship,” Kyung corrects him
“I’m the captain!” Jiho replies as he stalks over to a notice posted at the point where the Blockbuster should be moored,
“I paid for it,” Jihoon says, Taeil now asleep on his back,
“And I keep the thing afloat,” Minhyuk continues
“The point is that it’s GONE! My, our lovely ship is gone!” Jiho pours over the notice, “MOTHERFUCKERS!”
“What is it,” Kyung reaches forward to examine the paper himself”
We figured that if you guys left this hunk of junk unlocked then you wouldn’t mind someone helping themselves. Let us know if you ever want her back and we’ll tell you who we sold her to
Jinyoung
“What does that mean?” Yukwon frowns, Jaehyo begins to crack up
“How is this funny?” Kyung stares at him
“I..I’m sorry..it’s just…” Jaehyo manages around giggles
“Just what?” Jiho’s face is stony
“I think the crew of the B1A4 are having a better Halloween than us,” he finishes, and dissolves into hysterics.
And so it is, that with Jaehyo almost unable to walk, the captain and crew of the Blockbuster trudge back to their black van, “get comfy guys, until we get the ship back, this is home,” Jiho says to a chorus of groans.
“What do we do now?” Yukwon asks, and Jiho grins wickedly. No one thinks this is a good sign,
“Well boys, Halloween isn’t over yet,”
Kyung sighs and takes the wheel, “where to captain?”
A/N: THIS IS A 4,000 WORD CRACK!FIC FOR A FANDOM I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN BEFORE WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS???
Fandom: Block B
Pairing: Gen, OT7 (sneak attack background TaePyo)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Swearsies
Summary: The captain and crew of the Blockbuster take on Halloween (Nilili Mambo/Very Good AU)
Written for the Halloween challenge over at blockisbang
3,936 words
Also on AO3
“We’ll get those fuckers back guys, don’t worry I’ve got this one,”
“Jiho I really don’t think-"
“Ah ah ah! Address me properly wench!”
“You know that ‘wench’ means woman, right?”
“This is a fact of which I am aware,”
“Fine then fucker, I think you, dumb shit that you are, have misunderstood what is meant by the term ‘trick or treat’”
“I fail to see where this misunderstanding occurred nuna, they failed to deliver a treat and now we get to trick them,”
“Don’t call me nuna,”
“But it’s so hard not to when you’ve got such a pretty, womanly face”
“Hard? What’s hard is not punching your ugly mug every morning,”
“And yet you pull through, thank you for being a bastion of self control”
“I swear to go-“
“JIHO YOU’RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!” Kyung shrieks, launching himself at the steering wheel, “and much as it causes me physical pain to admit it, Jaehyo’s right, you’ve misunderstood Halloween,”
“But how have I misunderstood it? I mean, what is there to misunderstand,” Jiho asks, reclining in the driver’s seat, perfectly content to let Kyung backseat drive, “aren’t you supposed to be able to just march up to people and demand whatever you want from them?”
“Pretty sure that’s our everyday job description,” Yukwon pipes up from the back of the van,
“He just wants an excuse to say that he’s legally employed for the day,” Taeil grumbles, “he thinks that serving girl at the Iron Skull will put out for a law abiding citizen,”
The endemic sarcasm in Taeil’s voice is completely lost on Jiho, who turns round and begins to mess with Minhyuk’s hair,
“Take good care of the costumes guys, there’s no way they won’t come in handy later,”
“Yes I always wanted to sail the high seas in a suit,” Jaehyo deadpans
“Why are we wearing them again?” Yukwon asks, going to adjust his bowtie,
“Because you’re supposed to dress up on Halloween so that no one can recognise you and no one would ever expect the captain and crew of the Blockbuster to be walking around on Halloween wearing dapper as fuck suits,”
“Yeah but that’s mostly because no one’s ever heard of the captain or crew of the Blockbuster,” Minhyuk cuts in, his contributions are also systematically ignored by Jiho, “and the outfits wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for these stupid hairstyles,”
“I like mine!” Jihoon says, indignant, Jiho beams at him,
“Maknae knows what’s up!” he chirrups, Taeil glances between the pair like he can’t decide which one of them he wants to kill first.
“Where do you want me to take this hunk of shit Jiho?” Kyung asks as they make a particularly violent swerve round a corner and Jaehyo nearly pisses himself. Jiho peers at the road thoughtfully,
“I’ll take it from here, good job Number 2, there’ll be a substantial reward for you when we get home tonight,”
“You mean when we get back to jail tonight, right?” Minhyuk leans forward to rest his head on Jiho’s shoulder, “just where are we going exactly?”
“To trick our stingy friends of not two hours ago,” Jiho grins
“Well yeah, but they're down on the main drag, you should have turned right two blocks ago,”
“Minhyukkie, you assume that we’re going in through the front door,”
There is deadly silence, broken by the rustling of plastic as Taeil unwraps a lollipop,
“Someone please tell me he doesn’t mean what I think he means,” Jaehyo whimpers
“I would love to,” Kyung breathes, “really Jaehyo you have no idea how much I would love to tell you that you’re wrong right now, but that would be lying and I’m an honest man,”
“You wouldn’t know the truth if it bit your dick off,”
“Maybe we should just brace ourselves for impact,” Minhyuk suggests as Yukwon sticks his head between his legs,
“Yeah you guys might want to grab hold of something, I’m pretty sure I’m heading for a weak point but you never know!”
“We’re going to die,” Jaehyo says emphatically
“We’re not going to die,” Jiho scoffs, “I would have thought that you’d trust me a little more than that by now.”
Jaehyo opens his mouth to say something witty and humiliating, but the moment never comes. First they see a brick wall coming up fast in front of them, and then the van smashes straight though the wall of the Seoul National Bank.
Kyung resurfaces to find an unpleasant mass of rubber being shoved in his face,
“Show time!” Jiho whispers, or at least he assumes it’s Jiho because it’s using his voice and wearing the hideous red velvet suit he’d picked out for himself, but his face is all wrong. The visage peering down at Park Kyung is pasty white, bright red lips twisted into a hideous grimace made all the more creepy by its dead eyes and freakishly large, red nose….
“Jiho is that a fucking clown mask?” Minhyuk asks from somewhere underneath him, he sounds squashed,
“Sure is, final part of the costume boys, suit up!”
Kyung takes the hideous rubbery mess proffered to him and makes a face, “or we could ju-“
Jiho bursts open the doors of the van and wanders out onto the bank’s white marble floor before Kyung has a chance to finish his sentence. Yukwon and Jihoon follow behind him, they’ve fished their guns out from somewhere and have managed to pull on matching clown masks and Kyung has to admit that the cashiers and customers look genuinely scared. He takes in the cameras trained on the three of them and says a silent thank you to whatever forces put the idea of masks into Jiho’s head because they would be fucked right now without them.
Kyung goes to put his mask on, but before he gets there Jiho has pulled his off and begun his address to those gathered in a cowering mass on the floor. Kyung could hit him.
“Ladies and gentlemen!” Jiho booms in his best captain voice, “I regret to inform you that earlier this evening a certain bank,” he pauses to glare meaningfully at anyone who looks like they might be senior management “refused to ‘treat’ us to a large sum of money when asked and as such it falls on us to 'trick' said bank. It is due to these previously unforeseen circumstances that today you have the honour of being robbed by the one and only Captain Zico of the dreaded vessel Blockbuster. Joining me in jacking your swag today will be U Kwon, P.O, Taeil, Jaehyo, B Bomb and first mate Kyung, we all have guns and we know how to use them, so if you could all just get your valuables out so that my boys can collect them that would be great!”
The bank descends into anarchy.
As civilians scatter, Yukwon and Jaehyo vanish almost instantly and Jihoon makes himself busy firing terrible shots in what Kyung strongly suspects is supposed to be the direction of the security cameras but as he doesn’t actually hit any of them it’s hard to tell. Minhyuk slumps against the open back doors of the van, watching Jiho systematically collect neatly stacked notes out of the draws behind each clerk desk, only to throw the whole lot in a haphazard pile on the floor that Jihoon keeps slipping in. There’s an expression of pained embarrassment on his face that Kyung can sympathise with.
Kyung surveys the damage, realises that there’s only one thing he can do to reclaim any kind of control over the situation and grabs a spraycan.
“Kyung what the fuck are you doing?” Jiho barks as the bank windows are slowly but surely painted red,
“I think he’s trying to stop people seeing what we’re doing,” Jihoon says, throwing an extra handlful of 50,000 won notes in his direction, “but honestly I think people are gonna notice if the bank has bright red windows,”
Jiho slams a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder, “you’re a bright one you are. Hey Kyung! Park Kyung! Stop dicking about and go find the safe why don’t you?”
Kyung whips around and Jiho can swear he sees a nervous twitch in his left eye, “yes captain,” the hapless first mate manages to croak out, but before he gets a chance to carry out orders he’s interrupted by a high pitched wail, echoing around the lobby and sounding entirely too much like something out of a horror film.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” Jiho shrieks, snatching Jihoon’s gun out of his hand and brandishing it in the general direction of the source of the sound, which they all realise fairly simultaneously is their van. Minhyuk looks like he may never hear properly again.
A small dark streak shoots out across the floor, still whooping in what would appear to be joy. It moves to the far end of the room and what is, they all realise, the safe. The dark blob turns to face them, manic grin plastered to its face and something cradled in its arms,
“You brought the dynamite!” Taeil whispers around his lollipop, “I take back all my former reservations about this plan Jiho, we’ll have the loot in no time,”
“Right….” Jiho approaches Taeil carefully as he begins to set up the complex array of wires that supposedly controls the explosives, “you know what you’re doing, yeah?”
Taeil’s head snaps up and if the dynamite isn’t enough to scare Jiho then the little piston’s eyes most certainly are, “oh Jiho, I don’t think I could fuck this up if I tried!”
Jiho tiptoes back to the tills and hands Jihoon back his gun, “you know, I didn’t pack the dynamite,” he mutters, Jihoon blushes,
“Gotta keep him happy somehow hyeong,” he jerks his head in Taeil’s direction.
Neither of them notice that Kyung has vanished.
Yukwon rather likes dogs, dogs are cute and become flatteringly obsessed with you. The security guard evidently expects him to feel otherwise however and that rather saddens him,
“You know, I’d hate to have to shoot you,” Yukwon sighs
“You’d be better off shooting the dog,” she replies, expression unmoving. Yukwon scoffs at her and raises his gun,
“That’s cute, really, but I’m being serious. Tell me where the safe is or I’ll shoot.”
The security guard’s eyes narrow in confusion, “the safe’s in the lobby you idiot,”
Yukwon blinks, “what?”
Unfortunately, the pitbull terrier has just been let off its leash and it’s really not very cute anymore, Yukwon would give anything for his expression to have not been caught on CCTV.
“You may think that you have the advantage, but I was in training under top captains for five years and I’ve got three years active experience in hand to hand combat, trust me, you’d be better off just backing down now,”
Jaehyo takes a slurp of the energy drink that his opponent was nice enough to give him. The hooded figure shakes its head slowly and Jaehyo readjusts his gloves,
“That a Halloween costume?” he gestures to the black cape, “it’s good, you’ll definitely get some treats tonight. That’s why we’re here to be honest, we stopped by earlier and were rather rudely turned away, and you’re supposed to trick if you don’t get a treat and-“
Jaehyo is brought up rather short when his opponent shrugs of their - no her - gown to reveal a girl about a foot shorter than him boasting about the most impressive rack he’s ever seen. Her boobs have barely come into focus when he feels a vicious thwack to the side of his head and he sees stars.
He falls to the floor and the girl follows him, straddling his hips and continuing to wail on his head, it would be a lot of fun if she wasn’t trying quite so hard to hurt him.
“Hope the treat was worth it fucker, here’s your trick,” she hisses, and Jaehyo can already feel the headache he’s going to have the next morning.
Minhyuk passes the pile of cables to a rather shellshocked Yukwon, “what are you going to do with them?”
Jihoon pops out from one of the vast array of corridors with a mic and a guitar, grinning wickedly. Minhyuk tries to look disapproving but can’t stop a smile tugging on the corners of his mouth,
“We so don’t have time for you guys to play rock band,”
“Sure they do!” Jiho says, flicking another fountain of notes into the air, “Jaehyo should be done having his arse kicked any moment now and then we just have to wait for Kyung to show his arse back up again,”
“And when are we going to pick up this mess?” Minhyuk gestures to the river of cash on the floor and receives no answer.
“Oh don’t be such a party pooper,” Yukwon scolds and Jihoon actually pinches his cheek, “how often do we get to play a show in a bank?”
Minhyuk takes a deep breath and tries to work out if he’s actually in any danger of losing his temper, but is saved the trouble when Jaehyo flies through a set of double doors, slides along the marble floor and comes to a halt at Jiho’s feet, looking rather worse for wear.
“There better be a bath in prison I am in paiiiiin,” Jaehyo whines, Jiho gives him an affectionate kick to the ribs,
“Just waiting for Kyung now!” Jiho beams as Yukwon and Jihoon get down to the important business of pretending they’re in a band. Minhyuk stares morosely at the pile of money on the floor and thinks that he should probably do something towards getting it into the van,
“I can’t be bothered with this,” he mutters, and goes back to wishing Yukwon would stop trying to sing.
Park Kyung has seen a lot of things, he’s seen fifty foot squid do battle with sperm whales over the Mariana trench, he’s seen the Aurora Borealis light up the northern skies, he’s seen waves the size of skyscrapers off the Cape of Good Hope in stormy season, he’s seen an island so covered in seagull shit that the ground was white, he’s seen Jiho spend three weeks devastated by the loss of a pair of stolen diamonds, only to realise that they were in Jaehyo’s suitcase all along; but he’s never seen a banquet hall in a bank before.
More importantly, he’s never seen a banquet hall in a bank from the perspective of the main course.
“And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a lovely array of fresh vegetables for you all. You’ll see broccoli, peppers, and the keener eyed among you may even be able to spot our extra special, extra fresh cucumber, sourced just for this special occasion.”
Kyung examines the other occupants of the plate that his head appears to be resting on and establishes that he must be the cucumber.
Right.
He opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by the insistent banging of two balding men slamming their cutlery onto the table like they’re demanding to be fed. They stare blankly at each other, or the wall, or nothing, Kyung thinks he should be a little more terrified at the prospect of being eaten.
“I propose that we pass the plate around between us and everyone can take as much as they want, just remember to leave some for the rest of us!” the voice simpers from behind Kyung. At the other end of the table a woman peers eagerly back at him, and if he cranes his neck up just a little he can see her legs sticking out from underneath the table cloth, a long way from her torso. It’s either the best Halloween costume in history or a very good reason to get out of here as soon as possible.
The woman leans over him from behind him and goes to pick him up, but the problem is that Kyung’s head is still very much attached to his body and as long as he’s stuck under the table it presents a fairly substantial barrier to him being moved.
That doesn’t stop the tugging on his neck from being rather painful.
“Ow…you can’t pull my head off..ow…owowowow…STOP IT!” he whinges, limbs flailing wildly out of sight.
“Just a moment ladies and gentlemen we’ll have your dinner with you any second now,” the woman coos, apparently unphased by the fact that Kyung is still an intact and whole person,”
“If this is supposed to be a Halloween joke it’s not very funny…OOOWWW” the woman gives a particularly impressive tug and Kyung feels his neck crick. His leg lashes out and hits something. His fingers follow suit and close around the long leather covered handle, his fingers tracing their way down to the many leather thongs that make up the tail. He has no idea what it’s doing there, but he can use it.
With an unprecedented stroke of good luck, Kyung decides to try to bust his way out of the plate at the same time that the woman decides that she’s ready to go for broke on the whole ‘breaking Kyungs neck’ thing. She pulls up as he pulls down and the plate shatters, spraying the guests with raw vegetables.
Kyung rolls out from under the table and hops back up onto it, surveying the party. Apparently no one’s noticed that he’s moved because the two halves of the woman are still training their attention on the spot where the plate used to be and the men haven’t stopped banging their cutlery on the table. Kyung sighs and raises the whip above his head,
“I have no idea what you weirdos are doing, but I have places to be,” he announces. No one pays him any attention.
They sure pay him some attention when the whip comes down though.
Jiho is lying in a pile of money feeling rather bored. Jihoon and Yukwon have thoroughly exhausted the entertainment value of playing a concert in the bank, Taeil is too focused on his dynamite to pay the rest of them any mind, Jaehyo is lying in the back of the van whimpering every so often about how nice it would be if someone gave him a massage and Minhyuk will not be moved for love nor money,
“Where’s Kyuuuuuuuung?” he asks for the hundredth time. He’s met with a resounding chorus of silence from his crew and goes back to sulking alone, the sound of Taeil’s wire clippers the only interruption to Jaehyo’s complaints.
It’s getting to the point that Jiho is genuinely debating leaving without him when Kyung stomps back into the lobby, his hair sticking up at odd angles, a fork sticking out of his behind and a cat o’ nine tails grasped in his hand,
“Where ha-“
“I AM PRETTY MUCH DONE WITH THIS BANK ROBBERY JIHO, IF THE NEXT WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AREN’T ‘WE’RE LEAVING’ THEN YOU’RE GONNA HAVE FAR BIGGER CONCERNS THAN WHERE I’VE BEEN FOR THE PAST HOUR,” Kyung screeches at Jiho, raising himself up on tiptoes to have some hope of speaking to him face to face.
Jiho’s eyes narrow and he opens his mouth to shoot Kyung down, but really, he’s pretty much done with this bank robbery too,
“We’re leaving!” he calls out, as Taeil gives a final whoop of joy, that they all know means that the safe is ready to blow,
“NO! Hyeong please wait till we’re back in the van” Jihoon makes to intercept him, but it’s too late, Taeil has set the timer on the explosives and they have exactly 60 seconds to get out of the bank.
They waste fifteen of those seconds trying to compute this fact, before Jaehyo finds his strength and starts frantically trying to close the doors of the van,
“Oh my god I TOLD YOU WE WERE GOING TO DIE!” he wails as Yukwon shoves the instruments into the boot haphazardly. As the rest of the group scramble for purchase inside the van, Taeil strolls over, curls up against Jihoon and goes to sleep. Jiho shoves the keys in the ignition and even as Minhyuk wrestles the doors closed, they tear out of the bank.
They’re followed shortly by the dull roar of exploding dynamite. Taeil smiles in his sleep, Jaehyo flinches and Minhyuk rolls his eyes,
“Well that was a wasted effort,” he grumbles, “did any of you grab any cash?”
“Now who’s misunderstood Halloween?” Jiho scolds, “we weren’t there for the money, we were there to trick them, and I’d say that the National Bank Of Seoul was fairly well tricked.”
“I was chased by a pitbll terrier,” Yukwon replies
“I was beaten up by a girl,”
“I had to listen to your pathetic excuse for a rock band,”
“I was nearly eaten by two halves of the same woman,” Kyung shudders, and everyone gives him a funny look “face it Jiho, we were the ones who were tricked,”
“But we blew up their safe!” Jiho says indignantly,
“In all fairness, that was never part of the original plan hyeong,” Jihoon points out
Jiho turns to look back at him and Kyung leaps in to take the wheel, “ahh yes, please do tell me more about you’re 100% unilateral cunning plan to keep our little maniac over there happy, why exactly did you think it was a good idea to put him in the same room as a highly explosive device?”
Jihoon shrugs, “I just wanted to make sure he enjoyed himself,” he throws an arm around Taeil and pulls him closer, Yukwon rolls his eyes
“God it’s like you’re his fucking boyfriend,”
Jihoon blushes.
They reach the port and the place where the Blockbuster dropped anchor that morning to find that the end of the pier is rather more ship-free than they have been anticipating. Yukwon stares in confusing at the blank stretch of ocean as Jiho begins to panic,
“My ship! Where’s my fucking ship??” he howls
“Our ship,” Kyung corrects him
“I’m the captain!” Jiho replies as he stalks over to a notice posted at the point where the Blockbuster should be moored,
“I paid for it,” Jihoon says, Taeil now asleep on his back,
“And I keep the thing afloat,” Minhyuk continues
“The point is that it’s GONE! My, our lovely ship is gone!” Jiho pours over the notice, “MOTHERFUCKERS!”
“What is it,” Kyung reaches forward to examine the paper himself”
We figured that if you guys left this hunk of junk unlocked then you wouldn’t mind someone helping themselves. Let us know if you ever want her back and we’ll tell you who we sold her to
Jinyoung
“What does that mean?” Yukwon frowns, Jaehyo begins to crack up
“How is this funny?” Kyung stares at him
“I..I’m sorry..it’s just…” Jaehyo manages around giggles
“Just what?” Jiho’s face is stony
“I think the crew of the B1A4 are having a better Halloween than us,” he finishes, and dissolves into hysterics.
And so it is, that with Jaehyo almost unable to walk, the captain and crew of the Blockbuster trudge back to their black van, “get comfy guys, until we get the ship back, this is home,” Jiho says to a chorus of groans.
“What do we do now?” Yukwon asks, and Jiho grins wickedly. No one thinks this is a good sign,
“Well boys, Halloween isn’t over yet,”
Kyung sighs and takes the wheel, “where to captain?”
A/N: THIS IS A 4,000 WORD CRACK!FIC FOR A FANDOM I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN BEFORE WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS???