Let Me Tell Ya 'Bout the Birds and the Bees [backlogged; closed]

[bringindaflames]

WHO: Roy (bringindaflames) and Ed (ohshitnotmilk)
WHAT: Birds and the Bees. 'Nuff said.
WHERE: The beach, at night.
WHEN: The last night of the Carnival, during the bonfire.

Comments

[ohshitnotmilk]

"I'm sitting on the beach because Ba'ast is probably off... who knows where, taking advantage of the free alcohol," He said, shrugging a little. Besides, he didn't mind the alone time. Not that it was anymore, but... He glanced down at his drink, raising a brow. He picked the glass up again, holding it in his left hand.

"There's nothing to share," That he'd say out loud to the Colonel, of all people. Then again, it wasn't like he'd ever tell Al, either. "Either way, doesn't matter. You're only curious and willing to hear it because you've had... who knows how many drinks, really." He rolled his eyes, lifting his drink to his lips. It was like every time he got a little irritated, he took a drink. Ed was just a little glad this wasn't anything like the water to wine mess a while back.

"Even if there was a problem, It's nothing important," He muttered.

[bringindaflames]

This was probably his... sixth... seventh... eighth drink? Roy threw his arm around Ed, clearly drunk at this point, yet still taking another sip of what was left of his drink.

Yes, drunk. When he was in this highly loosened "happy" state (any depression set aside, of course), he liked to talk... and talk... and talk. Apparently this time he believed to be the Love Advice Guru. In a slightly slurred, yet confident voice Roy said, "Let me give you some advice, short stuff. As I am clearly well versed in the ways of women, you need to hear this. Women like to be kept happy, both emotionally and physically. You miss one of them, then you might as well be digging your own grave."

He downed the last of his drink, arm still around Ed. Then he continued with, "While it is fairly easy to keep a woman emotionally happy -- candy, flowers, sweet talk, blah, blah -- sometimes it's a challenge to keep them physically happy. Either you want to go further but she doesn't, or she wants to go further, but you don't

[ohshitnotmilk]

His expression started out as a deadpan -- staring at Roy with slightly narrowed eyes and his lips pressed together in a firm line. Roy earned an elbow to a gut at the 'short stuff' comment. As soon as Roy said 'physically', though, Ed's face lit up. Not as bright as it probably would if he were ... what, sixteen? But it was still pretty damn obvious there had been a change of shade going on, here.

Ed glared at the other, looking over at the fire as he shrugged the others arm off his shoulders. "It's not like that!" If the shade of his face was anything to go by, though, he was lying and Roy had hit the jackpot. Ba'ast was always coming on to him(and even in some ways that flew right over Ed's head), and Ed... had a woman perfectly willing, yet here he was. Sitting on the beach with his drunk ex-superior officer.

"How is any of that your business anyways? Fuck, you're even more irritating when you're drunk," Ed took another sip of his drink.

[bringindaflames]

Roy couldn't help but let out a huge laugh at Ed's reaction. Though the elbow to the side did hurt... a little. Ed was embarassed, and it was quite noticable, just by the way his face was turning all shades of red. It was also verification on Roy's part, that even in his drunken state, he was dead-on with his guess.

Completely ignoring Ed's question and comment, Roy said, "Let me give you some advice, Edward. Just... go with the flow, and eventually things will fall into place."

After thinking about his own comment for a second, the expression on his face soon faded. He looked over at Ed and asked, "You haven't... been... with a anyone, have you?"

It didn't seem likely. The Ed that he knew... back in his own world... was only about sixteen, whereas this one was nineteen. The last thing on his mind would be sex, let alone having a girlfriend. Now this Ed... well he was a different story.

[ohshitnotmilk]

Ed glared at him, still. Stupid old man. Laughing at him over this. Fuck, was it that funny? He was only 19, did it honestly matter --? He snorted a little and took a bigger sip of his drink. "Go with the flow? Fuck, Mustang, you don't even know any of it." Ed looked away, a rather irritated(but embarrassed) look on his face.

It wasn't that he couldn't go with the flow. He could have, each time, if he wanted to -- it was just settling into something he'd never experienced before. Fast learner, maybe, but it was stupid to jump into the deep end without learning to swim first, wasn't it? He finished his drink, and set the glass down on the sand beside him.

Then came Roy's next question, and it was probably a good thing Ed already swallowed his mouthful of alcohol because he probably would have spewed it out all over.

"What?! Why are you asking that -- No! Of course I haven't, you stupid Old Man!" He yelled.

[bringindaflames]

Roy got serious then, but this wasn't your normal I'm-going-to-speak-rationally serious. It was more like, I'm-going-to-speak-to-you-like-I-think-I-know-what-I'm-talking-about-because-I'm-drunk serious. He stood up then, stumbled over to the nearest place to grab a drink, and picked up two. He sat back down next to Ed and basically shoved the cup of booze to his face.

"You're going to need this," he mumbled, his stupid grin slowly starting to return. He didn't quite know how to start this conversation.

"I'm not going to give you the basics because I think that's just... common knowledge. Well... how do I put this... you have to make her feel good first. Don't be afraid to touch her. Trust me, women will let you know if you're doing something wrong," he paused, his grin growing wider, "and when you're doing something right. I have to warn you Ed, since this would be your, uh, first... don't get too carried away. You don't want to... arrive... too early

[ohshitnotmilk]

Ed frowned a little as he took the class from the other. Great, now his ex-superior officer was not only giving him 'the talk' it seemed, but he was also shoving alcohol in his hands. What was up with that? Drunk. He must have been drunk.

Proof of this was in Roy's next words.

Ed's face grew another darker shade of red. He couldn't even manage to cut the other off to shut him up, because not only was he so horrified, but Roy seemed pretty determined on passing down whatever 'knowledge' he thought Ed needed to know. When he didn't, because he wasn't stupid. Maybe inexperienced, but not stupid.

"Oh my god! What the hell?! Why do you think I need to know this -- You -- stupid Old Man!" He yelled, as soon as the other stopped talking and Ed's face couldn't get any more red. "I'm not going to sleep with her anytime soon, I don't need your stupid... Damn advice!" He took a deep breath and exhaled it in an irritated manner before he took a long sip of his drink.

[bringindaflames]

"I didn't even get to the sex yet. I was only talking about foreplay," Roy said to Ed calmly, the expression on his face completely serious. Then with a smirk he added, "If you really want to get to that then I have no problem..."

The look on Ed's face was probably a mix between embarassment and sheer annoyance. Roy decided to hold off on the rest of his little lecture, just so the runt wouldn't go psychotic on him. Instead, he just let out a laugh as he stood up. It was about time to end this little discussion, just by the looks of things. Besides, he might as well make it back to the house. If he had any more to drink, God only knows where he'd wake up.

He was a little wobbly standing up, but that was to be expected. Roy firmly patted Ed's shoulder as he stood up and said, "Listen, just make her feel good, and you won't regret it. Trust me."

As he walked away, he called out, "If you need any more advice, you know where my door is! After all, I've got plenty more tips to give you!"