fic post ^^

[rions]

Title: Lost
Author: rions
Rating: PG
Word Count: 523
Summary: It was the world he wanted. Or so he thought.
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear none of them belong to me. And yes, I’m up to no good too.
Warning: angst, post-war, and dare I say… OOC…?
Beta: dreamyraynbo
Concrit: much needed. *puppy eyes*
Note: umm… this is my first H/D post… I’m not sure how this turned

Comments

[dreamyraynbo]

Aaaaah! So saaad! :(
Lovely, though. Good plot idea. A few minor things could have made it run a little more smoothly if fixed, but all around very nice!

[rions]

thank you~

umm... would you mind telling me the what the few minor things are? i'll try to fix it / learn for future writings...

thanks for reading. ^^

[dreamyraynbo]

Well, if you want I can beta a copy and send it to you, but only if you really want! (not that I mind, but I know unsolicitited con-crit can be rather offensive)

That's not to say that I'm this amazing writer or anything, but I have done some editing throughout college and far, far too much writing! :P

Anyway, it really is a good story and I think you can be a great writer :D *hugs*

Oh, my email's dreamyraynbo@msn.com if you want to contact me, but don't feel obliged or anything!

[rions]

*off e-mailing you* :D

[anansay]

I know that feeling. When dreams seem better than reality. Sad, really.

[rions]

it is... thanks for reading. :DD

[impertinence]

Very, very sad--but lovely! The entire piece flowed wonderfully.

Two (very minor!) things--you put "He heard sigh." Did you mean "sighs"?

Also, I loved this part: "This, he decided, was a world that he wanted. He no more needed to live up to people’s expectation as the Boy-who-Lived, no more had to put fake walls between him and Draco Malfoy, no more had to pretend, to fake, to struggle. This, he decided, is the world that he had wished for." But it might make more sense if you replaced the "is" with "was". It's a trick thing, because you're talking about something happening constantly in the past, but it would flow better if you kept it all the same tense =)

Again, this was a really great fic--thanks for sharing!

[rions]

uh-oh... i didn't notice that at all. I usually tried to keep the past tense. I guess i missed that one. >.<; And yes, i Aactually mean "sighs". Thank you for pointing out! I'll keep it in mind. ^^

thanks so much for reading and taking time to comment! :DDD

[impertinence]

No problem. =D Tenses are a pain in the tail...I'm just glad you didn't get mad!

[rions]

Not at all! ^^ comments like yours really made my day. :DD

[blonde_cecile]

I liked this, the end especially :). There are a few things I'm curious about though...

In the beginning, at the end of that paragraph, did you mean "minded"? I don‘t think "But he had never mind." makes sense o_O

And also, I believe “blonde” is actually a feminine noun. When referring to boys, I’ve been taught that one is supposed to drop the “e” and just make it “blond”.

I have to sort of agree with dreamyraynbo that perhaps a little more could be done to make it read smoother. I’m thinking some of it might be your sentence structure. I suggest that in the future, just write your sentences carefully and never make them longer than they need to be. For example:

He watched his lover as the blond slept peacefully beside him.

Could easily be shortened to:

He watched his blond lover sleep peacefully beside him.Not a big change, I know, and I don’t claim to be an expert, but it’s what I would do. The littlest things can make a difference

[rions]

thank you! :D

ah, yes, i actually mean "minded". >.<;; i'll fix it soon. Thanks for pointing out. :D

about the sentence structure, i guess i have a lot more learning to do. English isn't my first language, so i had tendencies of using Indonesian (my first language) structure sometimes. I'm trying to learn (mainly from reading many great books and fics out there) and i'll try to pay more attention on my future writings. :)

Thanks for taking the time to tell me all this. i really appreciate it. :D of course i don't mind if you friend me. i hope you don't mind me friending you back, then? ^^

[blonde_cecile]

:D Friend away!

[_raide]

*saved + will read at home, comments next time if i remember XD;;; *

[rions]

*hopes you remember* XD;;;

happy reading~ and beware of shonen-ai~ XD;;;