Fic: The Lost Souls
Title: The Lost Souls;
Fandom: Supernatural;
Rating: NC-17;
Genre: romance, hurt/comfort, purgatory!fic;
Pairing/Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam;
Spoilers: season 7 finale;
Beta: eridanie;
Warnings: Sexual content, language, angst, near death situation;
Word Count: 6500;
Summary: Legends tell that the lost souls wander in Purgatory till the moment they learn their lesson.
The Lost Souls
They had been running for what seemed like several hours, although it was difficult to measure the passing of time in here. Dean felt exhausted, his mouth was dry and it had started to become difficult to breathe, but the staying alive was the highest priority, so he kept his pace, trying to put as much distance between them and the group of monsters he and Castiel were trying to escape from.
Dean turned his gaze to look behind and noticed that their pursuers had started to gain on them, and it looked like this was the end for sure. The next moment something rammed into Dean’s side pushing him sideways and sending him tumbling to the ground. The hunter was already about to strike, but realized that it was Castiel. Together they rolled into a small cliff between large rocks finding themselves in a tiny cavern. The angel ended up on top of Dean, pinning him to the ground.
“Shhh…” Castiel pressed his finger to his lips, telling the hunter to be quiet.
Dean sucked in his breath and started listening to the noise outside. Someone was definitely searching, sniffing the ground like an animal. After a little while the hunter heard growling and then everything went quiet.
“They are gone.” Castiel informed him.
“Good…” Dean nodded finally breathing out and relaxing. His whole body ached after the run and his lungs felt like on they were on fire, but at least they were alive, at least they were still unharmed.
“Cas?” Dean called out.
“Yes, Dean?”
“Would you mind getting off of me?” He asked as a matter of fact.
“Oh…” The angel huffed, like he only now noticed that he was laying on top of Dean. “Sorry.” He apologized and climbed off the hunter.
***“We will find the way out, I promise you…” The angel sighed.
They were sitting on the branch of a large tree they had climbed up to spend the night in. Dean had just finished a piece of cooked meat which came from a small animal the hunter had never seen before. The critter had been caught by Castiel and cooked using his grace - building a fire was too dangerous since every single monster around would surely come to it.
“Yeah,” Dean nodded closing his eyes, “yeah, I know, we always do.”
“And I will do everything to get you out of here, Dean,” Castiel continued, “even if I die trying.”
Dean groaned, trying to find any strength to become angry at this statement, but he simply wasn’t able to. “Don’t even think about it!” He tried anyway. “We are getting out of here… both of us and in one piece.” He argued. “Well, in two whole pieces!” He amended.
***It had been several months that the hunter and angel had spent in Purgatory. Of course it was impossible to count time in a place where Dean’s phone refused to even turn on and his watches were counting the same five seconds back and forth, over and over again. The two of them were moving from one safe spot to another, not leaving each-other’s side even for a moment. Even when Dean had to perform certain bodily functions, Castiel had stayed no further than ten or fifteen feet away. At first Dean had been annoyed by it, they’d even had a fight, but eventually he’d simply given up. Hell, Dean had even got used to this total lack of privacy, and now didn’t even mind taking a leak right in front of the angel. He simply stopped caring about something so minor while any minute of their stay in Purgatory could end their lives.
At the end of what seemed like the fourth month it suddenly started to rain. The temperature dropped to the point that Dean wasn’t able to sit on the cavern floor without shaking, and sleep seemed impossible in such weather.
Dean snuggled into his jacket gathering his legs into his chest, but it wasn’t helping. Suddenly he felt a touch on his shoulder and warmth spread over his entire body, making him feel comfortable again.
“Thanks, Cas.” He mumbled.
“It’s not a problem,” the angel replied.
Dean expected the angel to take the hand away, but Castiel kept it on his shoulder. “What, the comfortable temperature mojo only works while you’re touching me?” Dean asked.
“Yes.”
Dean fought the urge to move away and try to bear the cold, he wasn’t used to sleeping in close physical contact with another man. In the end he sighed and tried to turn it into a joke: “So, no more creep-free zone, then?”
Castiel narrowed his eyebrows in a manner he used to do all the time when he didn’t understand something and it suddenly reminded Dean of the old Castiel he used to know. No, he was the same old Castiel. Only now Dean realized how much Purgatory had changed him, it seemed as though the place, no matter how screwed up it was, healed the angel’s insanity, returning to normal.
“I’ve done this before.” Castiel said suddenly.
“Huh?” Dean said, surprised.
“After I pulled you out of hell. You had been having nightmares every night, so I used to sit next to you, keeping my hand on your shoulder to sooth them.” Castiel explained, like such a behavior was totally normal and in no way too intimate.
“What, the dicks up in Heaven wanted me all nice and healthy for their boss?” Dean groaned not knowing how else to reply.
The angel looked Dean right in the eyes, like he was trying to read him from inside out. “No,” he shook he head. “They didn’t really care about your mental health.”
The hunter started to feel his face burning, he was pretty sure he was blushing bright red by now, so he turned his face away from him. “Good night.” He mumbled quietly, lying down on the ground because he had no idea how to respond to the angel’s confession.
“Good night, Dean.” Castiel whispered.
***“Have you ever… eaten a whole tub of ice-cream at once?” Dean asked.
“No, I haven’t even tried ice-cream.” Castiel replied. “Have you ever… stood on an empty beach watching the sun rising?”
“Ha-ha, I have!” Dean smiled. “Although I was sitting, does it count?”
“I suppose.” The angel nodded.
Dean had no idea when their conversation turned into a ‘have you ever’ game. It was just simply nothing left to talk about, no movies to watch, no places to go for a walk, no internet to watch porn.
“Have you ever…” Dean tried hard to find something to ask as they played it for over an hour and most of the simple questions had been already asked. “Swam naked at night?”
“No, I have never gone swimming, not during the night, or the day.” The angel answered. “Have you ever run through a wheat field?”
“Yeah! While trying to save my ass: I was running away from werecats. It was embarrassing, really.” Dean smiled at the memory. He was nineteen at the time, his father killed a werecat and sent Dean to find its cubs. Dean was sure he could handle not only tracking them, but hunting them down as well. Turned out he was really wrong. Thankfully John wasn’t too far away himself.
The hunter sighed, it was his turn to ask a question again. “Have you ever… been in love?” Dean really had no idea why he’d asked that because he regretted it the moment the question escaped his mouth.
Castiel tilted his head looking at the older Winchester without even blinking. For several moments he was silent and Dean started to hope that the angel would simply say no and move on.
“How would one understand if he is in love?” Castiel inquired and it was exactly why Dean regretted the question. He had no idea how to explain it to the angel, he had just as much chance of explaining the working principles of the Hadron Collider.
“Well, I dunno, man…” Dean started. “It’s not like I’m a big expert on it. You’d better ask Sam when we get home.”
“But I’m supposed to answer your question now.” Castiel argued.
“You don’t have to, it’s just a game.” Dean explained, but the shorter man’s eyes never left him. It looked like Castiel wasn’t going to drop it. “Well,” Dean started. “In general terms, I mean what people usually say about it: if you, for example like to spend time with a person, and even though this person isn’t a part of your family, you would do anything for them, would fight for them, would be ready to sacrifice everything to protect…” Dean suddenly stopped as he understood how many wrong ideas Castiel could get from this speech since the hunter knew perfectly well that both of them would do that whole list for each other. But they were friends, nothing more. “And you have to want to have sex with them.” He added quickly drawing the line between friendship and anything else.
Castiel looked thoughtful for some time, then sighed and said: “I see…”
Dean waited for him to add anything else, but the angel was silent.
“I will need to think about it.” Castiel finally replied.
Glad, that the awkward topic had been dropped, the older Winchester wished the angel good night and turned his back to him, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. In a second he heard the angel laying down next to him and felt a hand dropping casually on his shoulder making him feel warm and comfy so sleep would come easily.
***There were so many things Dean missed. First of all he missed his brother. Dean remembered what Sam had to go through when Dean had left him last time, but at least Sammy was safe. Well, Dean still had no idea what happened to all the other Leviathans left on Earth, and of course there were plenty of demons after Sam’s head, but still, the younger Winchester was in a way better situation then Dean himself.
Dean missed normal food. Granted he was able to eat meat but it was bland as all the salt Dean had with him had been spent on fighting monsters, plus the angel was making him eat those weird berries and even fruits they had been finding around the place. Those things tasted terrible, but Castiel kept telling him that a human can’t live on meat alone. To tell the truth, the hunter had no idea how Castiel was finally able to convince him.
Dean missed hot showers. The angel was capable of cleaning both of them without problem, and Dean had always felt fresh and spotless, but just the process of standing under a stream of warm water, imagining himself with a hot chick while his hand was wrapped around own dick… now that he thought about it, it probably wasn’t the showers he missed.
It had been so long since Dean had a chance to have sex, let alone to simply masturbate. While he’d become used to doing other things around the angel, Dean simply couldn’t imagine asking Castiel to stay outside their shelter to satisfy those kind of bodily needs. And, oh god, did he have them. Often when the hunter was asleep he had dreamed himself in the embrace of hot women doing dirty things with Dean, he had sometimes woken up in the middle of the night painfully hard. Castiel, of course, didn’t need to sleep so he had always been awake and there hadn’t been a single chance to take care of this problem.
Now it wasn’t any different from all the other times. The woman in the dream had long dark hair and beautiful blue eyes. She was spread beneath the hunter with her ankles locked behind Dean’s waist, murmuring words of encouragement as Dean was thrusting into her with raw force, not holding himself back. Dean was close, so close!
“Dean!” The woman called, “Dean!” Her voice was unusual for her features, deep and raspy, reminding the older Winchester more of a male voice. Now that he thought about it the voice was very familiar. “Dean…” It called again and the woman beneath the hunter started to disappear, her figure sunk into darkness to be replaced by a mass of tan fabric right before Dean’s face.
Dean continued his thrust, not still quite understanding what was going on. He was so close that it was impossible to stop. Slowly he started to realize that he wasn’t dreaming anymore, but laying on soft ground pressed tight against a warm figure that wasn’t female.
“Dean…” He heard the trembling voice of his friend and felt a hand squeezing his shoulder gently.
The hunter moaned something incoherent trying to stop moving his hips, but it was too late, he was coming hard in his jeans. The world around Dean turned white for a split second, his whole body shivered as a strong orgasm washed over him in several long waves. He closed his eyes trying to catch his breath but sudden realization crashed into his mind. Dean opened his eyes looking around: he still was laying on the ground with Castiel laying by his side and still holding his hand on the hunter’s shoulder. Dean’s forehead was pressed to the angel’s shoulder and his legs were wrapped around Castiel’s so Dean’s crotch was pressed against the shorter man’s hip.
Dean jumped away from the angel trying to get as far away as he could in the small cavern.
“Shit, Cas!” Dean breathed out. “I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry!” he tried to apologize, understanding that there wasn’t any apology that could fix this.
“It’s… all right, Dean.” Castiel sighed.
The cavern was dim, but Dean could still see his friend well enough. The Angel’s face was covered in a red blush and he was shivering slightly, breathing hard and gazing at the hunter with fright and something that Dean could clearly read as lust. Well shit, Castiel was definitely turned on and wasn’t even trying to hide it. Dean wasn’t sure if the angel even realized that he was supposed to hide it.
“No, man!” Dean protested. “It’s not all right, I just…” Dean wasn’t sure what to say.
“Dean,” the angel interrupted. “You don’t need to be sorry, you’re human, you needed a… release.”
“Jeez, man! Stop saying weird shit like that!” Dean groaned.
The hunter glanced over at his friend once again, noticing that Castiel’s breath was still fast. The angel shifted uncomfortably, trying to wrap himself in his coat. His hands ended up on his own crotch like the angel was trying to suppress the erection by pressing on it, but the touch caused Castiel to gasp, widening his eyes in surprise, like he had no idea that pressing his hands over his own erect member could possibly be pleasant. The sight before Dean’s eyes made him suck in his breath.
“Umm, Cas,” Dean started. “I could go and wait outside, so you could take care of this.” He proposed.
“No, Dean, it is too dangerous!” Castiel protested.
“Well, I could then close my eyes and ears and you could…” Dean made a vague gesture with his hand, “you know.”
Castiel blinked turning his eyes away from the hunter. “I will be fine. It will go away eventually.”
“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean sighed leaning on the cold stone wall of the cave. He felt not only extremely awkward, but extremely guilty as well. He felt it was unfair that he, even if it was unintentionally, used his friend to get off, while Castiel himself had been left without satisfaction.
Dean closed his eyes trying to think about something else to distract himself, but it was difficult. The night was quiet and the hunter could still hear every Castiel’s breath, his every motion. Dean heard a rustle of fabric and angel’s sharp inhale which made the hunter feel extremely hot even if the air in the cave was damp and chilly.
“Dean…” the angel whispered.
“Yeah?” The taller man replied not opening his eyes.
“I… I feel hot.” Castiel said in a voice which was raspier than Dean had ever heard.
“Huh, I though you don’t feel temperature.”
“I don’t… usually...”
This time Dean opened his eye meeting the angel’s gaze.
What motivated Dean the next moment he wasn’t sure. Dean wanted to blame his months of long loneliness for this, or maybe his blissful post orgasmic state of mind. Or maybe he had simply started to go crazy in Purgatory, because the next moment he found himself sighing and moving closer to the angel.
“Ok, come here…” Dean beckoned to his friend.
Castiel narrowed his eyebrows trying to understand Dean’s intentions.
“Just sit on my lap” Dean instructed. “Gotta take care of you.”
The angel nodded, blushing even more and obeyed, taking a seat on Dean’s knees, pressing his back to the hunter’s chest. Even through the layers of fabric between the two of them Dean could feel how fast Castiel’s heart was beating in his chest, the angel was tense and shivering slightly.
“Relax, dude.” Dean whispered as he placed his hands on Castiel’s hips starting to massage them gently to reassure his friend while fighting his own uneasiness at how alien a male body felt under his touch.
“I find that difficult to accomplish…” Castiel groaned.
Dean moved one of his hands toward Castiel’s erection cupping it through his pants. It shouldn’t be difficult; Dean could simply imagine that he was doing it for himself. Castiel gasped loudly at the touch arching his back, which sent a wave of shivers through Dean’s own body. The hunter hadn’t been expecting to enjoy the process himself. Dean had doubted that he was going to get turned on again since Castiel wasn’t a chick, and he wasn’t gay, and after having his own orgasm not very long ago, but the way Castiel was wriggling on top of him proved the hunter wrong.
“It’s only one time, Cas.” Dean explained. “And we won’t talk about it. Ever!”
“All right...” The angel nodded and then moaned as Dean’s hand rubbed his length again.
Dean pressed his face to the crook between Castiel’s shoulder and neck closing his eyes and trying not to think about what he was doing, then he pushed his hand under the band of the angel’s pants and underwear, cupping his now bare member. The angel sucked the air and threw his head back opening his neck up for the hunter. Dean wasn’t planning on doing anything but jerking his friend off, but now, when the angel’s neck was right in front of his lips, he couldn’t stop himself from mouthing it slightly, tearing another wave of groans from Castiel.
His hand meanwhile started to move slowly over Castiel’s impressive penis, making the angel wriggle even more.
“Dude, you behave like you have never done this before.” Dean mocked trying to suppress his own building erection.
“I…” Castiel breathed out, “I haven’t”
“You’ve been married!” Dean said surprised, he continued to stoke the angel while speeding up his pace.
“We… ah, have never done this…” Castiel explained like it was totally normal to be married to someone for half a year without having sex.
“Whatever…” Dean concluded biting his angel lightly on the neck.
Dean wasn’t going too fast, but his hand was moving in a set pace squeezing the head of Castiel’s member the way Dean liked to do to himself. Judging by the way Castiel was bucking his hips to meet Dean’s every move, the hunter figured that Castiel enjoyed that as well.
After several more moments the angel tensed more than he had been before. His fingers dug into Dean’s own hips so hard that the hunter was sure he would have scratches all over them if not for the thick fabric of the jeans he was wearing. Castiel’s breath became erratic as well as his movements and Dean was sure that the angel was now getting very close.
“Dean…” Castiel called with a slight panic in his tone.
“Shhh…” The hunter calmed him down, “I’m here, don’t fight it.”
And like just like that Castiel was coming all over Dean’s hand, groaning and arching his back. The hunter continued to stroke him through his orgasm until Castiel went limp on top of him, then he wiped his hand on his jeans and wrapped his arms around the shorter man’s chest.
“That was… enjoyable…” The angel finally whispered when he was able to speak again.
“Enjoyable?” Dean hummed. “I thought I did a little better than that.”
The angel sighed in contentment and snuggled closer to the taller man, but the movement seemed to make him aware of Dean’s own erection. The angel climbed down from the hunter’s lap looking him right in the eyes while his hand moved to Dean’s crotch.
“You don’t have to…” The hunter explained.
“I want to…” The angel protested.
***It was another day in Purgatory that the two of them spent hiding or fighting off monsters, and another little cave under the roots of some giant tree.
Castiel’s skin felt hot and perfect under the hunter’s touch. The angel was spread under him moaning his name as Dean was kissing his neck and bare chest. Castiel’s nails were scratching Dean’s sweat dampened back, hands sometimes moving up to pull on Dean’s grown out hair. Their hard cocks were pressed together by the hunter’s hand which was moving slowly up and down both lengths making both men shiver, lost in the pleasures of each-other’s bodies.
“You said we were going to do it only once…” Castiel reminded.
“Do you want me to stop?” Dean asked not even slowing down as he finally reached Castiel’s right nipple with his lips and started to nibble on it.
“No…” The angel moaned trying to be as quiet as he could. “Please, don’t stop!”
***“What are you planning on doing when we get out of here?” The angel asked.
They were lying on Castiel’s trench coat tangled in each-other’s arms. Both of them were naked, but the angel was using his grace to make Dean feel comfortable during the cold never-ending night of Purgatory.
Dean knew that the chance that they would get out of here was very small. In fact, more and more the hunter believed that they would never find a way out of this trap. It seemed like they had spent half a year here, looking for a way out, but unable to find anything. Dean knew that the angel didn’t believe they were likely to escape any more than he did. In fact, it was the angel himself who had told Dean that it would be impossible to escape some time ago, when they had just arrived. Right now Castiel was probably trying to cheer Dean up making him think about something good.
“I’ll return to hunting, of course!” Dean replied not even thinking. “There are still monsters to kill on Earth, you know.”
“I see…” Castiel nodded.
“What about you?” The hunter asked trying to sound casual, but truthfully this question was actually bothering him. They had agreed that this thing going on between them was temporary, that when they found a way back, they would return to the way they things used to be. With every passing day he spent with the angel Dean regretted this agreement more and more.
“I…” Castiel started. “Don’t really have a place to go… there is nothing left for me in heaven, I could simply fly around the planet again, watching the bees and flowers…”
“I just.” Dean really didn’t want Castiel to go, but he had no idea how to ask him to stay without losing his last shred of manliness. “If you really don’t have anywhere to go, there is always some free space in the Impala, you know. I mean, if you want, of course!”
The angel looked at him with disbelief. “Do you want me to stay?” He asked.
Dean didn’t really want to put it that way, didn’t want to say such things out loud. “Ok. Fuck. Yes! I do want you to stay.” He finally sighed in defeat.
“Oh…” The angel simply replied and then went quiet.
Dean thought that it was the end of their conversation, that Castiel now had to think about it… “Yes, Dean. Of course I will stay with you.” He smiled warmly.
“Ok,” Dean nodded trying to keep a façade of calm to hide how very happy he was at hearing that. “Good.”
“Also, Dean…” the angel whispered.
“Hmm?”
“I would like to answer the question you asked me several months ago. The answer is also ‘yes’.”
Dean honestly didn’t remember what the shorter man was talking about. He tried his best to recall it, but simply couldn’t. As if the angel was reading his thoughts, he explained: “we had been playing a ‘have you ever’ game and you asked me if I had ever been in love.”
Dean suddenly froze trying not to even breath as he realized what Castiel was saying. He felt his heart swelling in his chest and pounding so hard it was like it was trying to escape.
“I love you, Dean Winchester.” Castiel said so quiet that Dean was sure he wouldn’t have been able to hear it if Castiel wasn’t whispering it right into the hunter’s ear.
Dean felt a lump in his throat and swallowed, pressing himself unintentionally closer to the angel. “Cas…” He whispered.
For a moment both of them were silent. Dean was pretty sure that he had to reply to Castiel’s confession somehow. He started to think about everything both of them had gone through, every moment they had spent together. The hunter realized that whatever this was between them, this bond, he felt it too. Dean loved Castiel back. And if they were able to stay together till the end, if they would be able to return, this relationship could actually work. Dean wouldn’t have to be afraid that all his enemies would go after the person he loved, because Castiel was even stronger then he was, he didn’t need protection. They could hunt together, could travel from one place to another together. They could make each-other happy.
“I…” Dean finally opened his mouth, but no words came out. The older Winchester pressed himself tighter to the angel and closed his eyes. “I don’t deserve to be loved.” He finally said.
Castiel sighed, but didn’t say anything else.
***At the end of the next week things started to get more and more difficult. The angel had never told him that the connection with heaven had been lost the moment they found themselves in the Purgatory. It wasn’t the same as several years ago when the Host had forcibly cut the connection, so the angel had lost most of his powers at once, it was more of a slow bleeding away of his powers.
“Couldn’t you have told me this before?” Dean groaned angrily.
“I didn’t want you to worry you Dean.” Castiel explained quietly.
“Didn’t want to worry me?!” The hunter yelled forgetting where they were and that they were supposed to be quiet so as not to attract any attention from the local habitants of the plane. “Didn’t want me to worry?” He repeated, “What the hell, man? I thought we were over this! And now what? Now we have no way to survive here! Without your mojo we’re through, man! Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday soon something will finally get us!”
“I have enough powers for more than a few days, Dean.” Castiel whispered not even looking at the hunter, and absolutely missing the point. “It was going to happen whether you knew about it or not.”
“Damn it, Cas. That’s not what I mean! I’m not even talking about the fact that you should have been more careful how you use your mojo, not spending it on unnecessary shit! I’m talking about you not being honest with me!”
Castiel turned his head and looked Dean right into the eyes. “All this time, you’ve been fighting you’ve had hope that we can get back. Most of this hope has rested on me, on my powers. How could I take that from you?” He asked.
The hunter was starting to feel like a total jerk again. He groaned at his behavior and moved closer to the angel, wrapping his arms around the shorter man and kissing him on the forehead. “I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” He admitted. “I told you once that I’d rather have you, broken or not, and that includes with or without your mojo.”
Castiel closed his eyes and leaned on the hunter. “I love you…” he said.
Dean remained silent.
***The creature reminded Dean of one of those monsters he’d seen in hentai cartoons on Sam’s laptop: several times bigger than a human, with hundreds of tentacles growing from its mouth like the thing had swallowed an octopus and it was trying to get free now. The creature was trying to get to the hunter attacking him with those tentacles and, unlike in the anime porn, Dean was sure sexual satisfaction wasn’t exactly what was on the monsters mind.
With his powers nearly gone now, Castiel couldn’t sense the approach of the creature so it had appeared unexpectedly, striking the ground between the hunter and angel, forcing them to flee in two different directions, now it stood between them, not allowing them to reunite.
Dean was dodging the tentacles with the ease, but it was becoming more and more difficult with every strike, like the monster was starting to learn the pattern of Dean’s movements. Out of the corners of his eyes the taller man saw his friend trying to dart around the monster so he could get to the hunter’s side, but each time he was forced to move back to avoid being hit by one of the ugly monster appendages.
Then the angel disappeared from the hunter’s sight and momentarily reappeared in front of him, putting his hand on the taller man’s shoulders. Dean started to feel the ground moving under his legs, but the next moment something pushed both of them sending them flying several feet away. Castiel groaned something and then the creature disappeared.
The next moment the hunter found himself inside a cave covered in protective sigils. That must have meant that both of them had already been there hiding before, but he didn’t have time to think about it as his lover reeled and started to fall down. Dean caught him in the middle of the fall, helping him to sit down.
“Hey, Cas, are you all right?” He asked.
But the angel looked like he couldn’t even hear him. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, and his body felt too hot to the touch, like he had a fever.
“Shit!” Dean groaned, and started to examine his friend.
Finding the reason for Castiel’s illness wasn’t difficult: the trench coat clinging to his back had a large hole that looked like it had been burned through. Dean pulled the coat and the up, to find that the skin underneath was also burned. The injury looked nasty, a patch of skin on Castiel’s back was black surrounded by a halo of swollen blue.
“It… got me…” Castiel hissed leaning on the hunter and closing his eyes.
***The next several hours Dean and Castiel spent in silence. The hunter laid his friend on the ground, wrapping him in his own jacket because the angel couldn’t stop shivering. Several times Castiel nearly lost consciousness, making Dean panic even more.
Most of the time the angel was awake but it was difficult for him to speak. Dean could see that his friend was in pain even if Castiel was trying to suppress any sign of it.
“You’re going to be ok,” Dean whispered sitting next to the angel and wiping sweat from his forehead with a wet piece of fabric he’d torn from his own shirt. “Don’t even fucking think of leaving me here alone!"
The angel shifted closer to Dean, fighting the pain the movement caused and placed his arm on the Dean’s hip, rubbing it gently.
“I’m sorry…” he whispered.
“Stop saying that!” Dean groaned. “Come on man, isn’t there any mojo left you could use to heal yourself?”
Castiel hissed quietly trying to look at his charge with red teary eyes. “I’m so sorry…” He repeated.
Dean felt like someone had stabbed him with a dagger right in the chest. He was watching his friend, his lover dying and he couldn’t do a thing. The hunter knew that without Castiel he would never have a chance of surviving Purgatory, and he wouldn’t care if he did. He knew he should return to his brother, to protect him, but he didn’t think he could bear losing Castiel again, especially now that things between them had changed so much, when he had finally realized that he loved the angel. Realized, but had never been able to say it out loud.
Castiel could die never even knowing it.
“Cas…” Dean whispered feeling tears start to roll down his cheeks, hating himself for being so weak and so stubborn at the same time. “I…” he tried, “I love you, Cas…”
The angel turned his head to look at the hunter giving him a weak smile. His hand rose reaching to the taller man’s face, wiping Dean’s tear with his thumb. “I know…” he said simply. “Now go to sleep, you need rest.” He announced touching Dean’s forehead with his finger.
Dean tried to protest, to move away, but it was too late. He felt himself falling and the world around sinking into darkness. He fell asleep even before his head touched the ground.
***The next morning Dean woke up when bright light was shining through his eyelids. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut and hide his face under the pillow from the uncomfortable brightness, but it didn’t help much since the light came along with the loud singing of birds. Dean grunted turning to his other side to find solace in Castiel who was lying next to him. The springs of the old mattress squeaked under the hunter lulling him back to sleep with the familiarity of the sound.
Castiel.
Dean jerked awake remembering how badly he had been injured. The angel was lying still with his eyes closed, but his body was warm and his breath was steady so it looked like he was simply asleep.
Dean sighed with relief and returned his head to the pillow. Then the realization suddenly hit him - there shouldn’t be any pillows in Purgatory. Neither should there be sunlight or bird’s singing. When Dean was about to jump up from where he was laying, a splash of water washed over his face, making him even more alert.
Dean looked towards the direction the water had come from and saw his brother standing in front of him in a defensive position. Dean was about to ask how the hell his brother was able to find a way into Purgatory, when he realized that it wasn’t Purgatory they were standing in, but a shabby motel room, covered in different sigils and symbols all over the walls and the ceiling. Numerous pictures and newspaper cutoffs were decorating a large cork board on one wall, a small table on the other side along with one of the two queen beds were piled with books.
Dean blinked several times before a wave of a dry grainy substance was tossed into his face. The hunter licked his lips, realizing that it was salt.
“What the hell!” Dean grunted.
Suddenly he heard Castiel groaning behind his back. He turned and saw his angel opening eyes and looking around with surprise. Then his eyes fixed on the younger Winchester: “Sam? But… how?”
Sam meanwhile was standing before both of them with a silver knife in his hand.
“It’s me, Sammy!” Dean finally responded holding his hand to his brother.
Sam placed the knife into the hunter’s hand and Dean carefully scratched his second hand, proving that he wasn’t a monster. The same action was repeated on the angel. Not waiting any time Sam rushed to his brother, embracing him in his arms.
“Man, I missed you so much!” Dean admitted.
***“So, care to enlighten me on how you managed to bring us back?” Dean asked. They were sitting in the room, eating a large pizza a now fully charged and completely healthy Castiel had brought them from Italy (since the States still had a problem with a drugged food supply).
“I didn’t do anything, Dean!” Sam admitted. “I mean I was looking as much as I could for the whole week you’ve been there, but all the information I was able to dig up was pretty ridiculous, starting from rituals where you’re supposed to sit on an ant hole with your ass bare holding forty chicken hearts in your right hand to the legends where lost souls were wandering in Purgatory till the moment they learn their lesson.”
“Wait, what?” Dean said sounding surprised. “A week? We were there like six months!”
“Well, that would explain your new hairstyle.” Sam joked.
Dean threw a cap from a beer bottle at his brother and pushed another piece of pizza into his mouth. When he and Castiel had returned Dean had reminded him of Robinson Crusoe with his beard and too long hair. The hunter had a chance to shave, but the smell of the pizza had distracted him before he could get to his hair, so he’d decided that it could wait.
“Anyway, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, then who did pull you out of there?” Sam asked finally. “I mean, I never actually tried the ant-hole ritual.”
“I think it makes sense.” Castiel said. “The legend about lost souls in Purgatory learning their lesson, I mean.” He added as the two brothers gave him questioning looks.
“And what kind of lesson did you two learn there? That your epic gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day?” Sam mocked, smiling and moving his gaze from the hunter to the angel and back.
Dean felt his face starting to burn. Suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room for him to breath, he wanted to run away where no-one could see him. Castiel, who was sitting by his side, put his hand on the hunter’s knee, which didn’t help the situation any. Sam’s mocking expression turned into a questioning one and then into disbelieving one.
“No, you’re kidding me, right?” He asked.
Dean didn’t reply, trying to look anywhere but at his brother.
“Oh my god, guys…” Sam smiled. “Finally!”
Fandom: Supernatural;
Rating: NC-17;
Genre: romance, hurt/comfort, purgatory!fic;
Pairing/Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam;
Spoilers: season 7 finale;
Beta: eridanie;
Warnings: Sexual content, language, angst, near death situation;
Word Count: 6500;
Summary: Legends tell that the lost souls wander in Purgatory till the moment they learn their lesson.
The Lost Souls
They had been running for what seemed like several hours, although it was difficult to measure the passing of time in here. Dean felt exhausted, his mouth was dry and it had started to become difficult to breathe, but the staying alive was the highest priority, so he kept his pace, trying to put as much distance between them and the group of monsters he and Castiel were trying to escape from.
Dean turned his gaze to look behind and noticed that their pursuers had started to gain on them, and it looked like this was the end for sure. The next moment something rammed into Dean’s side pushing him sideways and sending him tumbling to the ground. The hunter was already about to strike, but realized that it was Castiel. Together they rolled into a small cliff between large rocks finding themselves in a tiny cavern. The angel ended up on top of Dean, pinning him to the ground.
“Shhh…” Castiel pressed his finger to his lips, telling the hunter to be quiet.
Dean sucked in his breath and started listening to the noise outside. Someone was definitely searching, sniffing the ground like an animal. After a little while the hunter heard growling and then everything went quiet.
“They are gone.” Castiel informed him.
“Good…” Dean nodded finally breathing out and relaxing. His whole body ached after the run and his lungs felt like on they were on fire, but at least they were alive, at least they were still unharmed.
“Cas?” Dean called out.
“Yes, Dean?”
“Would you mind getting off of me?” He asked as a matter of fact.
“Oh…” The angel huffed, like he only now noticed that he was laying on top of Dean. “Sorry.” He apologized and climbed off the hunter.
***“We will find the way out, I promise you…” The angel sighed.
They were sitting on the branch of a large tree they had climbed up to spend the night in. Dean had just finished a piece of cooked meat which came from a small animal the hunter had never seen before. The critter had been caught by Castiel and cooked using his grace - building a fire was too dangerous since every single monster around would surely come to it.
“Yeah,” Dean nodded closing his eyes, “yeah, I know, we always do.”
“And I will do everything to get you out of here, Dean,” Castiel continued, “even if I die trying.”
Dean groaned, trying to find any strength to become angry at this statement, but he simply wasn’t able to. “Don’t even think about it!” He tried anyway. “We are getting out of here… both of us and in one piece.” He argued. “Well, in two whole pieces!” He amended.
***It had been several months that the hunter and angel had spent in Purgatory. Of course it was impossible to count time in a place where Dean’s phone refused to even turn on and his watches were counting the same five seconds back and forth, over and over again. The two of them were moving from one safe spot to another, not leaving each-other’s side even for a moment. Even when Dean had to perform certain bodily functions, Castiel had stayed no further than ten or fifteen feet away. At first Dean had been annoyed by it, they’d even had a fight, but eventually he’d simply given up. Hell, Dean had even got used to this total lack of privacy, and now didn’t even mind taking a leak right in front of the angel. He simply stopped caring about something so minor while any minute of their stay in Purgatory could end their lives.
At the end of what seemed like the fourth month it suddenly started to rain. The temperature dropped to the point that Dean wasn’t able to sit on the cavern floor without shaking, and sleep seemed impossible in such weather.
Dean snuggled into his jacket gathering his legs into his chest, but it wasn’t helping. Suddenly he felt a touch on his shoulder and warmth spread over his entire body, making him feel comfortable again.
“Thanks, Cas.” He mumbled.
“It’s not a problem,” the angel replied.
Dean expected the angel to take the hand away, but Castiel kept it on his shoulder. “What, the comfortable temperature mojo only works while you’re touching me?” Dean asked.
“Yes.”
Dean fought the urge to move away and try to bear the cold, he wasn’t used to sleeping in close physical contact with another man. In the end he sighed and tried to turn it into a joke: “So, no more creep-free zone, then?”
Castiel narrowed his eyebrows in a manner he used to do all the time when he didn’t understand something and it suddenly reminded Dean of the old Castiel he used to know. No, he was the same old Castiel. Only now Dean realized how much Purgatory had changed him, it seemed as though the place, no matter how screwed up it was, healed the angel’s insanity, returning to normal.
“I’ve done this before.” Castiel said suddenly.
“Huh?” Dean said, surprised.
“After I pulled you out of hell. You had been having nightmares every night, so I used to sit next to you, keeping my hand on your shoulder to sooth them.” Castiel explained, like such a behavior was totally normal and in no way too intimate.
“What, the dicks up in Heaven wanted me all nice and healthy for their boss?” Dean groaned not knowing how else to reply.
The angel looked Dean right in the eyes, like he was trying to read him from inside out. “No,” he shook he head. “They didn’t really care about your mental health.”
The hunter started to feel his face burning, he was pretty sure he was blushing bright red by now, so he turned his face away from him. “Good night.” He mumbled quietly, lying down on the ground because he had no idea how to respond to the angel’s confession.
“Good night, Dean.” Castiel whispered.
***“Have you ever… eaten a whole tub of ice-cream at once?” Dean asked.
“No, I haven’t even tried ice-cream.” Castiel replied. “Have you ever… stood on an empty beach watching the sun rising?”
“Ha-ha, I have!” Dean smiled. “Although I was sitting, does it count?”
“I suppose.” The angel nodded.
Dean had no idea when their conversation turned into a ‘have you ever’ game. It was just simply nothing left to talk about, no movies to watch, no places to go for a walk, no internet to watch porn.
“Have you ever…” Dean tried hard to find something to ask as they played it for over an hour and most of the simple questions had been already asked. “Swam naked at night?”
“No, I have never gone swimming, not during the night, or the day.” The angel answered. “Have you ever run through a wheat field?”
“Yeah! While trying to save my ass: I was running away from werecats. It was embarrassing, really.” Dean smiled at the memory. He was nineteen at the time, his father killed a werecat and sent Dean to find its cubs. Dean was sure he could handle not only tracking them, but hunting them down as well. Turned out he was really wrong. Thankfully John wasn’t too far away himself.
The hunter sighed, it was his turn to ask a question again. “Have you ever… been in love?” Dean really had no idea why he’d asked that because he regretted it the moment the question escaped his mouth.
Castiel tilted his head looking at the older Winchester without even blinking. For several moments he was silent and Dean started to hope that the angel would simply say no and move on.
“How would one understand if he is in love?” Castiel inquired and it was exactly why Dean regretted the question. He had no idea how to explain it to the angel, he had just as much chance of explaining the working principles of the Hadron Collider.
“Well, I dunno, man…” Dean started. “It’s not like I’m a big expert on it. You’d better ask Sam when we get home.”
“But I’m supposed to answer your question now.” Castiel argued.
“You don’t have to, it’s just a game.” Dean explained, but the shorter man’s eyes never left him. It looked like Castiel wasn’t going to drop it. “Well,” Dean started. “In general terms, I mean what people usually say about it: if you, for example like to spend time with a person, and even though this person isn’t a part of your family, you would do anything for them, would fight for them, would be ready to sacrifice everything to protect…” Dean suddenly stopped as he understood how many wrong ideas Castiel could get from this speech since the hunter knew perfectly well that both of them would do that whole list for each other. But they were friends, nothing more. “And you have to want to have sex with them.” He added quickly drawing the line between friendship and anything else.
Castiel looked thoughtful for some time, then sighed and said: “I see…”
Dean waited for him to add anything else, but the angel was silent.
“I will need to think about it.” Castiel finally replied.
Glad, that the awkward topic had been dropped, the older Winchester wished the angel good night and turned his back to him, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. In a second he heard the angel laying down next to him and felt a hand dropping casually on his shoulder making him feel warm and comfy so sleep would come easily.
***There were so many things Dean missed. First of all he missed his brother. Dean remembered what Sam had to go through when Dean had left him last time, but at least Sammy was safe. Well, Dean still had no idea what happened to all the other Leviathans left on Earth, and of course there were plenty of demons after Sam’s head, but still, the younger Winchester was in a way better situation then Dean himself.
Dean missed normal food. Granted he was able to eat meat but it was bland as all the salt Dean had with him had been spent on fighting monsters, plus the angel was making him eat those weird berries and even fruits they had been finding around the place. Those things tasted terrible, but Castiel kept telling him that a human can’t live on meat alone. To tell the truth, the hunter had no idea how Castiel was finally able to convince him.
Dean missed hot showers. The angel was capable of cleaning both of them without problem, and Dean had always felt fresh and spotless, but just the process of standing under a stream of warm water, imagining himself with a hot chick while his hand was wrapped around own dick… now that he thought about it, it probably wasn’t the showers he missed.
It had been so long since Dean had a chance to have sex, let alone to simply masturbate. While he’d become used to doing other things around the angel, Dean simply couldn’t imagine asking Castiel to stay outside their shelter to satisfy those kind of bodily needs. And, oh god, did he have them. Often when the hunter was asleep he had dreamed himself in the embrace of hot women doing dirty things with Dean, he had sometimes woken up in the middle of the night painfully hard. Castiel, of course, didn’t need to sleep so he had always been awake and there hadn’t been a single chance to take care of this problem.
Now it wasn’t any different from all the other times. The woman in the dream had long dark hair and beautiful blue eyes. She was spread beneath the hunter with her ankles locked behind Dean’s waist, murmuring words of encouragement as Dean was thrusting into her with raw force, not holding himself back. Dean was close, so close!
“Dean!” The woman called, “Dean!” Her voice was unusual for her features, deep and raspy, reminding the older Winchester more of a male voice. Now that he thought about it the voice was very familiar. “Dean…” It called again and the woman beneath the hunter started to disappear, her figure sunk into darkness to be replaced by a mass of tan fabric right before Dean’s face.
Dean continued his thrust, not still quite understanding what was going on. He was so close that it was impossible to stop. Slowly he started to realize that he wasn’t dreaming anymore, but laying on soft ground pressed tight against a warm figure that wasn’t female.
“Dean…” He heard the trembling voice of his friend and felt a hand squeezing his shoulder gently.
The hunter moaned something incoherent trying to stop moving his hips, but it was too late, he was coming hard in his jeans. The world around Dean turned white for a split second, his whole body shivered as a strong orgasm washed over him in several long waves. He closed his eyes trying to catch his breath but sudden realization crashed into his mind. Dean opened his eyes looking around: he still was laying on the ground with Castiel laying by his side and still holding his hand on the hunter’s shoulder. Dean’s forehead was pressed to the angel’s shoulder and his legs were wrapped around Castiel’s so Dean’s crotch was pressed against the shorter man’s hip.
Dean jumped away from the angel trying to get as far away as he could in the small cavern.
“Shit, Cas!” Dean breathed out. “I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry!” he tried to apologize, understanding that there wasn’t any apology that could fix this.
“It’s… all right, Dean.” Castiel sighed.
The cavern was dim, but Dean could still see his friend well enough. The Angel’s face was covered in a red blush and he was shivering slightly, breathing hard and gazing at the hunter with fright and something that Dean could clearly read as lust. Well shit, Castiel was definitely turned on and wasn’t even trying to hide it. Dean wasn’t sure if the angel even realized that he was supposed to hide it.
“No, man!” Dean protested. “It’s not all right, I just…” Dean wasn’t sure what to say.
“Dean,” the angel interrupted. “You don’t need to be sorry, you’re human, you needed a… release.”
“Jeez, man! Stop saying weird shit like that!” Dean groaned.
The hunter glanced over at his friend once again, noticing that Castiel’s breath was still fast. The angel shifted uncomfortably, trying to wrap himself in his coat. His hands ended up on his own crotch like the angel was trying to suppress the erection by pressing on it, but the touch caused Castiel to gasp, widening his eyes in surprise, like he had no idea that pressing his hands over his own erect member could possibly be pleasant. The sight before Dean’s eyes made him suck in his breath.
“Umm, Cas,” Dean started. “I could go and wait outside, so you could take care of this.” He proposed.
“No, Dean, it is too dangerous!” Castiel protested.
“Well, I could then close my eyes and ears and you could…” Dean made a vague gesture with his hand, “you know.”
Castiel blinked turning his eyes away from the hunter. “I will be fine. It will go away eventually.”
“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean sighed leaning on the cold stone wall of the cave. He felt not only extremely awkward, but extremely guilty as well. He felt it was unfair that he, even if it was unintentionally, used his friend to get off, while Castiel himself had been left without satisfaction.
Dean closed his eyes trying to think about something else to distract himself, but it was difficult. The night was quiet and the hunter could still hear every Castiel’s breath, his every motion. Dean heard a rustle of fabric and angel’s sharp inhale which made the hunter feel extremely hot even if the air in the cave was damp and chilly.
“Dean…” the angel whispered.
“Yeah?” The taller man replied not opening his eyes.
“I… I feel hot.” Castiel said in a voice which was raspier than Dean had ever heard.
“Huh, I though you don’t feel temperature.”
“I don’t… usually...”
This time Dean opened his eye meeting the angel’s gaze.
What motivated Dean the next moment he wasn’t sure. Dean wanted to blame his months of long loneliness for this, or maybe his blissful post orgasmic state of mind. Or maybe he had simply started to go crazy in Purgatory, because the next moment he found himself sighing and moving closer to the angel.
“Ok, come here…” Dean beckoned to his friend.
Castiel narrowed his eyebrows trying to understand Dean’s intentions.
“Just sit on my lap” Dean instructed. “Gotta take care of you.”
The angel nodded, blushing even more and obeyed, taking a seat on Dean’s knees, pressing his back to the hunter’s chest. Even through the layers of fabric between the two of them Dean could feel how fast Castiel’s heart was beating in his chest, the angel was tense and shivering slightly.
“Relax, dude.” Dean whispered as he placed his hands on Castiel’s hips starting to massage them gently to reassure his friend while fighting his own uneasiness at how alien a male body felt under his touch.
“I find that difficult to accomplish…” Castiel groaned.
Dean moved one of his hands toward Castiel’s erection cupping it through his pants. It shouldn’t be difficult; Dean could simply imagine that he was doing it for himself. Castiel gasped loudly at the touch arching his back, which sent a wave of shivers through Dean’s own body. The hunter hadn’t been expecting to enjoy the process himself. Dean had doubted that he was going to get turned on again since Castiel wasn’t a chick, and he wasn’t gay, and after having his own orgasm not very long ago, but the way Castiel was wriggling on top of him proved the hunter wrong.
“It’s only one time, Cas.” Dean explained. “And we won’t talk about it. Ever!”
“All right...” The angel nodded and then moaned as Dean’s hand rubbed his length again.
Dean pressed his face to the crook between Castiel’s shoulder and neck closing his eyes and trying not to think about what he was doing, then he pushed his hand under the band of the angel’s pants and underwear, cupping his now bare member. The angel sucked the air and threw his head back opening his neck up for the hunter. Dean wasn’t planning on doing anything but jerking his friend off, but now, when the angel’s neck was right in front of his lips, he couldn’t stop himself from mouthing it slightly, tearing another wave of groans from Castiel.
His hand meanwhile started to move slowly over Castiel’s impressive penis, making the angel wriggle even more.
“Dude, you behave like you have never done this before.” Dean mocked trying to suppress his own building erection.
“I…” Castiel breathed out, “I haven’t”
“You’ve been married!” Dean said surprised, he continued to stoke the angel while speeding up his pace.
“We… ah, have never done this…” Castiel explained like it was totally normal to be married to someone for half a year without having sex.
“Whatever…” Dean concluded biting his angel lightly on the neck.
Dean wasn’t going too fast, but his hand was moving in a set pace squeezing the head of Castiel’s member the way Dean liked to do to himself. Judging by the way Castiel was bucking his hips to meet Dean’s every move, the hunter figured that Castiel enjoyed that as well.
After several more moments the angel tensed more than he had been before. His fingers dug into Dean’s own hips so hard that the hunter was sure he would have scratches all over them if not for the thick fabric of the jeans he was wearing. Castiel’s breath became erratic as well as his movements and Dean was sure that the angel was now getting very close.
“Dean…” Castiel called with a slight panic in his tone.
“Shhh…” The hunter calmed him down, “I’m here, don’t fight it.”
And like just like that Castiel was coming all over Dean’s hand, groaning and arching his back. The hunter continued to stroke him through his orgasm until Castiel went limp on top of him, then he wiped his hand on his jeans and wrapped his arms around the shorter man’s chest.
“That was… enjoyable…” The angel finally whispered when he was able to speak again.
“Enjoyable?” Dean hummed. “I thought I did a little better than that.”
The angel sighed in contentment and snuggled closer to the taller man, but the movement seemed to make him aware of Dean’s own erection. The angel climbed down from the hunter’s lap looking him right in the eyes while his hand moved to Dean’s crotch.
“You don’t have to…” The hunter explained.
“I want to…” The angel protested.
***It was another day in Purgatory that the two of them spent hiding or fighting off monsters, and another little cave under the roots of some giant tree.
Castiel’s skin felt hot and perfect under the hunter’s touch. The angel was spread under him moaning his name as Dean was kissing his neck and bare chest. Castiel’s nails were scratching Dean’s sweat dampened back, hands sometimes moving up to pull on Dean’s grown out hair. Their hard cocks were pressed together by the hunter’s hand which was moving slowly up and down both lengths making both men shiver, lost in the pleasures of each-other’s bodies.
“You said we were going to do it only once…” Castiel reminded.
“Do you want me to stop?” Dean asked not even slowing down as he finally reached Castiel’s right nipple with his lips and started to nibble on it.
“No…” The angel moaned trying to be as quiet as he could. “Please, don’t stop!”
***“What are you planning on doing when we get out of here?” The angel asked.
They were lying on Castiel’s trench coat tangled in each-other’s arms. Both of them were naked, but the angel was using his grace to make Dean feel comfortable during the cold never-ending night of Purgatory.
Dean knew that the chance that they would get out of here was very small. In fact, more and more the hunter believed that they would never find a way out of this trap. It seemed like they had spent half a year here, looking for a way out, but unable to find anything. Dean knew that the angel didn’t believe they were likely to escape any more than he did. In fact, it was the angel himself who had told Dean that it would be impossible to escape some time ago, when they had just arrived. Right now Castiel was probably trying to cheer Dean up making him think about something good.
“I’ll return to hunting, of course!” Dean replied not even thinking. “There are still monsters to kill on Earth, you know.”
“I see…” Castiel nodded.
“What about you?” The hunter asked trying to sound casual, but truthfully this question was actually bothering him. They had agreed that this thing going on between them was temporary, that when they found a way back, they would return to the way they things used to be. With every passing day he spent with the angel Dean regretted this agreement more and more.
“I…” Castiel started. “Don’t really have a place to go… there is nothing left for me in heaven, I could simply fly around the planet again, watching the bees and flowers…”
“I just.” Dean really didn’t want Castiel to go, but he had no idea how to ask him to stay without losing his last shred of manliness. “If you really don’t have anywhere to go, there is always some free space in the Impala, you know. I mean, if you want, of course!”
The angel looked at him with disbelief. “Do you want me to stay?” He asked.
Dean didn’t really want to put it that way, didn’t want to say such things out loud. “Ok. Fuck. Yes! I do want you to stay.” He finally sighed in defeat.
“Oh…” The angel simply replied and then went quiet.
Dean thought that it was the end of their conversation, that Castiel now had to think about it… “Yes, Dean. Of course I will stay with you.” He smiled warmly.
“Ok,” Dean nodded trying to keep a façade of calm to hide how very happy he was at hearing that. “Good.”
“Also, Dean…” the angel whispered.
“Hmm?”
“I would like to answer the question you asked me several months ago. The answer is also ‘yes’.”
Dean honestly didn’t remember what the shorter man was talking about. He tried his best to recall it, but simply couldn’t. As if the angel was reading his thoughts, he explained: “we had been playing a ‘have you ever’ game and you asked me if I had ever been in love.”
Dean suddenly froze trying not to even breath as he realized what Castiel was saying. He felt his heart swelling in his chest and pounding so hard it was like it was trying to escape.
“I love you, Dean Winchester.” Castiel said so quiet that Dean was sure he wouldn’t have been able to hear it if Castiel wasn’t whispering it right into the hunter’s ear.
Dean felt a lump in his throat and swallowed, pressing himself unintentionally closer to the angel. “Cas…” He whispered.
For a moment both of them were silent. Dean was pretty sure that he had to reply to Castiel’s confession somehow. He started to think about everything both of them had gone through, every moment they had spent together. The hunter realized that whatever this was between them, this bond, he felt it too. Dean loved Castiel back. And if they were able to stay together till the end, if they would be able to return, this relationship could actually work. Dean wouldn’t have to be afraid that all his enemies would go after the person he loved, because Castiel was even stronger then he was, he didn’t need protection. They could hunt together, could travel from one place to another together. They could make each-other happy.
“I…” Dean finally opened his mouth, but no words came out. The older Winchester pressed himself tighter to the angel and closed his eyes. “I don’t deserve to be loved.” He finally said.
Castiel sighed, but didn’t say anything else.
***At the end of the next week things started to get more and more difficult. The angel had never told him that the connection with heaven had been lost the moment they found themselves in the Purgatory. It wasn’t the same as several years ago when the Host had forcibly cut the connection, so the angel had lost most of his powers at once, it was more of a slow bleeding away of his powers.
“Couldn’t you have told me this before?” Dean groaned angrily.
“I didn’t want you to worry you Dean.” Castiel explained quietly.
“Didn’t want to worry me?!” The hunter yelled forgetting where they were and that they were supposed to be quiet so as not to attract any attention from the local habitants of the plane. “Didn’t want me to worry?” He repeated, “What the hell, man? I thought we were over this! And now what? Now we have no way to survive here! Without your mojo we’re through, man! Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday soon something will finally get us!”
“I have enough powers for more than a few days, Dean.” Castiel whispered not even looking at the hunter, and absolutely missing the point. “It was going to happen whether you knew about it or not.”
“Damn it, Cas. That’s not what I mean! I’m not even talking about the fact that you should have been more careful how you use your mojo, not spending it on unnecessary shit! I’m talking about you not being honest with me!”
Castiel turned his head and looked Dean right into the eyes. “All this time, you’ve been fighting you’ve had hope that we can get back. Most of this hope has rested on me, on my powers. How could I take that from you?” He asked.
The hunter was starting to feel like a total jerk again. He groaned at his behavior and moved closer to the angel, wrapping his arms around the shorter man and kissing him on the forehead. “I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” He admitted. “I told you once that I’d rather have you, broken or not, and that includes with or without your mojo.”
Castiel closed his eyes and leaned on the hunter. “I love you…” he said.
Dean remained silent.
***The creature reminded Dean of one of those monsters he’d seen in hentai cartoons on Sam’s laptop: several times bigger than a human, with hundreds of tentacles growing from its mouth like the thing had swallowed an octopus and it was trying to get free now. The creature was trying to get to the hunter attacking him with those tentacles and, unlike in the anime porn, Dean was sure sexual satisfaction wasn’t exactly what was on the monsters mind.
With his powers nearly gone now, Castiel couldn’t sense the approach of the creature so it had appeared unexpectedly, striking the ground between the hunter and angel, forcing them to flee in two different directions, now it stood between them, not allowing them to reunite.
Dean was dodging the tentacles with the ease, but it was becoming more and more difficult with every strike, like the monster was starting to learn the pattern of Dean’s movements. Out of the corners of his eyes the taller man saw his friend trying to dart around the monster so he could get to the hunter’s side, but each time he was forced to move back to avoid being hit by one of the ugly monster appendages.
Then the angel disappeared from the hunter’s sight and momentarily reappeared in front of him, putting his hand on the taller man’s shoulders. Dean started to feel the ground moving under his legs, but the next moment something pushed both of them sending them flying several feet away. Castiel groaned something and then the creature disappeared.
The next moment the hunter found himself inside a cave covered in protective sigils. That must have meant that both of them had already been there hiding before, but he didn’t have time to think about it as his lover reeled and started to fall down. Dean caught him in the middle of the fall, helping him to sit down.
“Hey, Cas, are you all right?” He asked.
But the angel looked like he couldn’t even hear him. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, and his body felt too hot to the touch, like he had a fever.
“Shit!” Dean groaned, and started to examine his friend.
Finding the reason for Castiel’s illness wasn’t difficult: the trench coat clinging to his back had a large hole that looked like it had been burned through. Dean pulled the coat and the up, to find that the skin underneath was also burned. The injury looked nasty, a patch of skin on Castiel’s back was black surrounded by a halo of swollen blue.
“It… got me…” Castiel hissed leaning on the hunter and closing his eyes.
***The next several hours Dean and Castiel spent in silence. The hunter laid his friend on the ground, wrapping him in his own jacket because the angel couldn’t stop shivering. Several times Castiel nearly lost consciousness, making Dean panic even more.
Most of the time the angel was awake but it was difficult for him to speak. Dean could see that his friend was in pain even if Castiel was trying to suppress any sign of it.
“You’re going to be ok,” Dean whispered sitting next to the angel and wiping sweat from his forehead with a wet piece of fabric he’d torn from his own shirt. “Don’t even fucking think of leaving me here alone!"
The angel shifted closer to Dean, fighting the pain the movement caused and placed his arm on the Dean’s hip, rubbing it gently.
“I’m sorry…” he whispered.
“Stop saying that!” Dean groaned. “Come on man, isn’t there any mojo left you could use to heal yourself?”
Castiel hissed quietly trying to look at his charge with red teary eyes. “I’m so sorry…” He repeated.
Dean felt like someone had stabbed him with a dagger right in the chest. He was watching his friend, his lover dying and he couldn’t do a thing. The hunter knew that without Castiel he would never have a chance of surviving Purgatory, and he wouldn’t care if he did. He knew he should return to his brother, to protect him, but he didn’t think he could bear losing Castiel again, especially now that things between them had changed so much, when he had finally realized that he loved the angel. Realized, but had never been able to say it out loud.
Castiel could die never even knowing it.
“Cas…” Dean whispered feeling tears start to roll down his cheeks, hating himself for being so weak and so stubborn at the same time. “I…” he tried, “I love you, Cas…”
The angel turned his head to look at the hunter giving him a weak smile. His hand rose reaching to the taller man’s face, wiping Dean’s tear with his thumb. “I know…” he said simply. “Now go to sleep, you need rest.” He announced touching Dean’s forehead with his finger.
Dean tried to protest, to move away, but it was too late. He felt himself falling and the world around sinking into darkness. He fell asleep even before his head touched the ground.
***The next morning Dean woke up when bright light was shining through his eyelids. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut and hide his face under the pillow from the uncomfortable brightness, but it didn’t help much since the light came along with the loud singing of birds. Dean grunted turning to his other side to find solace in Castiel who was lying next to him. The springs of the old mattress squeaked under the hunter lulling him back to sleep with the familiarity of the sound.
Castiel.
Dean jerked awake remembering how badly he had been injured. The angel was lying still with his eyes closed, but his body was warm and his breath was steady so it looked like he was simply asleep.
Dean sighed with relief and returned his head to the pillow. Then the realization suddenly hit him - there shouldn’t be any pillows in Purgatory. Neither should there be sunlight or bird’s singing. When Dean was about to jump up from where he was laying, a splash of water washed over his face, making him even more alert.
Dean looked towards the direction the water had come from and saw his brother standing in front of him in a defensive position. Dean was about to ask how the hell his brother was able to find a way into Purgatory, when he realized that it wasn’t Purgatory they were standing in, but a shabby motel room, covered in different sigils and symbols all over the walls and the ceiling. Numerous pictures and newspaper cutoffs were decorating a large cork board on one wall, a small table on the other side along with one of the two queen beds were piled with books.
Dean blinked several times before a wave of a dry grainy substance was tossed into his face. The hunter licked his lips, realizing that it was salt.
“What the hell!” Dean grunted.
Suddenly he heard Castiel groaning behind his back. He turned and saw his angel opening eyes and looking around with surprise. Then his eyes fixed on the younger Winchester: “Sam? But… how?”
Sam meanwhile was standing before both of them with a silver knife in his hand.
“It’s me, Sammy!” Dean finally responded holding his hand to his brother.
Sam placed the knife into the hunter’s hand and Dean carefully scratched his second hand, proving that he wasn’t a monster. The same action was repeated on the angel. Not waiting any time Sam rushed to his brother, embracing him in his arms.
“Man, I missed you so much!” Dean admitted.
***“So, care to enlighten me on how you managed to bring us back?” Dean asked. They were sitting in the room, eating a large pizza a now fully charged and completely healthy Castiel had brought them from Italy (since the States still had a problem with a drugged food supply).
“I didn’t do anything, Dean!” Sam admitted. “I mean I was looking as much as I could for the whole week you’ve been there, but all the information I was able to dig up was pretty ridiculous, starting from rituals where you’re supposed to sit on an ant hole with your ass bare holding forty chicken hearts in your right hand to the legends where lost souls were wandering in Purgatory till the moment they learn their lesson.”
“Wait, what?” Dean said sounding surprised. “A week? We were there like six months!”
“Well, that would explain your new hairstyle.” Sam joked.
Dean threw a cap from a beer bottle at his brother and pushed another piece of pizza into his mouth. When he and Castiel had returned Dean had reminded him of Robinson Crusoe with his beard and too long hair. The hunter had a chance to shave, but the smell of the pizza had distracted him before he could get to his hair, so he’d decided that it could wait.
“Anyway, if it wasn’t me and it wasn’t you, then who did pull you out of there?” Sam asked finally. “I mean, I never actually tried the ant-hole ritual.”
“I think it makes sense.” Castiel said. “The legend about lost souls in Purgatory learning their lesson, I mean.” He added as the two brothers gave him questioning looks.
“And what kind of lesson did you two learn there? That your epic gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day?” Sam mocked, smiling and moving his gaze from the hunter to the angel and back.
Dean felt his face starting to burn. Suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room for him to breath, he wanted to run away where no-one could see him. Castiel, who was sitting by his side, put his hand on the hunter’s knee, which didn’t help the situation any. Sam’s mocking expression turned into a questioning one and then into disbelieving one.
“No, you’re kidding me, right?” He asked.
Dean didn’t reply, trying to look anywhere but at his brother.
“Oh my god, guys…” Sam smiled. “Finally!”