I hope this is at least somewhat helpful.origami_violetSeptember 18 2007, 00:52:41 UTC
There aren't any mechanical errors that stuck out to me, just a few minor content things.
Your Bryn Mawr essay is well-written, but the first paragraph especially reads as a little bit generic. The personal details you've included in the second paragraph - like the Russian and ASL and etc. - are because they give the admissions people a clearer idea of how you are, etc. and help your essay stand out. You just need to add a little more of this, especially to the first paragraph, that speaks more about high school students in general than it does about you and your interests, which is what they are interested in. It might be a good idea, for example, to go into talking about their publishing/English departments, even specific courses they offer.
I like the Emerson essay better because the personal quirks you include give your essay personality. You've avoided the generic thing here pretty nicely. I'd also leave out the semi in semi-addicted, but that's just a style preference on my part.
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Your Bryn Mawr essay is well-written, but the first paragraph especially reads as a little bit generic. The personal details you've included in the second paragraph - like the Russian and ASL and etc. - are because they give the admissions people a clearer idea of how you are, etc. and help your essay stand out. You just need to add a little more of this, especially to the first paragraph, that speaks more about high school students in general than it does about you and your interests, which is what they are interested in. It might be a good idea, for example, to go into talking about their publishing/English departments, even specific courses they offer.
I like the Emerson essay better because the personal quirks you include give your essay personality. You've avoided the generic thing here pretty nicely. I'd also leave out the semi in semi-addicted, but that's just a style preference on my part.
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