Fic: Monokrom
Title: Monokrom
Pairing(s): Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own. Unfortunately.
Wordcount: 2,000
Summary: Loving someone includes staying strong when they're at their weakest.
Author's Notes: This is my baby ;;__;; For my msn-buddies; Gati and Vanessa (and Jun), because they put up with me while I wrote it :D
*
I'm standing across from you (But I see you)
I've dreamt alone, now the dreams won't do (But I see you)
I'm standing across from you (But I see you)
I've dreamt alone, now the dreams won't do (But I see you)
Truth be told, my problem solved
You mean the world to me
But you'll never know
You could be cruel to me
While we're risking the way that I see you
But I see you
- I See You by Mika
*
Ohno is out.
No, Nino corrects himself. Ohno is Out.
He’s lying right next to Nino on the bed, sleeping deeply, but even though he’s in arm’s reach, Nino never feels him as distant as he does when Ohno is Out.
Nino curses himself for not having seen the signs a mile away. Before the concert yesterday, Ohno had been quiet, not the usual kind of quiet, but his entire posture and bearing had been screaming quiet. Backstage during the concert, during costume changes, Ohno had gone through the motions automatically, but on stage, he had used the last remnants of energy, singing, dancing, smiling, waving.
But after the third encore, it was game over.
Walking on the edge of the brink of unconsciousness, Ohno’s feet had barely moved and he only arrived at the showers because Nino had steered him in the right direction. Nino had helped Ohno shower, helped him dry up and helped him get dressed. Ohno’s mind had shut down in a last ditch attempt to regain some energy.
The thing about Ohno is that he’s so damn good at hiding. The others look tired and they will say if they’re nearing total exhaustion and they go down gradually, but Ohno can keep going and going and going. Until he crashes. There are no visible signs of Ohno steering towards complete meltdown until it’s irreversible, and Nino can only take care of him when he’s out for the count.
Ohno’s body is working on the lowest energy level possible, just functioning and simply existing until he’s ready to resurface. The difference between Ohno’s normal spacing out and this daunting emptiness is startling, and Nino doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it. It’s emotionally draining to take care of Ohno like this. He could of course drop him off at home for his mother to take care of him, but Nino would rather cut his arm off than allow anyone else to care for Ohno in his most vulnerable state. Nino isn’t even sure Ohno’s mother knows about this state Ohno enters once in a while.
Ohno is wearing a worn out t-shirt and boxers which Nino helped him into last night when they arrived at the hotel, and they hide how thin Ohno has become. He’s been sleeping ever since Nino placed him on the bed.
It’s not as if they have anything to do today, they only have to relocate to another hotel before the concert tomorrow night; it should be plenty of time to get Ohno back to some kind of semblance to living and away from barely existing.
He looks at Ohno’s sleeping form and nothing seems different. But he knows better.
Nino gently strokes Ohno’s arms and neck, slowly easing him into consciousness, and Ohno’s eyes flutter. Nino vividly remembers the times he’s been shocked and hurt at Ohno’s empty stare as if he doesn’t remember Nino at all, doesn’t remember all they’ve shared and what they are.
But he does remember, Nino knows, because his body reacts to Nino and doesn’t want anyone else to touch him at times like these.
“It’s morning,” Nino says, still stroking along Ohno’s neck and Ohno blinks sleepily. They have a lot of time until they have to leave the hotel, because Nino doesn’t want to rush this; he wants Ohno to have all the time he needs to get ready.
He gets Ohno out of bed and steers him towards the bathroom, lets him stand for a while to see if he’s going to move by himself, because it’s not like Ohno has lost his will, but it soon becomes clear that Ohno has no intention of entering the shower. Ohno is obedient when Nino asks him to raise his arms so Nino can get the shirt off and after that, Nino slides his boxers down. There’s nothing even remotely erotic about the gesture.
Ohno isn’t present to consent to or appreciate any touches or glances besides the necessary and Nino looks at Ohno’s body with strictly professional eyes. Nino pushes him lightly into the shower and then joins him after shrugging his own clothes off. Ohno closes his eyes when he’s told to, tilts his head backwards so he won’t get shampoo in his eyes. Last night, Nino hadn’t felt up to dealing with anything more than a quick wash off, so now he washes Ohno thoroughly.
He tugs Ohno out afterwards and dries him gently, wrapping the towel around his hips, before sitting him down on the lid of the toilet. Ohno is staring blankly ahead as Nino dresses, looking right through Nino even when Nino kneels right in front of him.
Ohno looks terribly fragile with that thin body, all bony and no fat. Even the cheeks have slimmed down. None of them are exactly eating what they should when they’re busy with concerts, dramas and all the other activities that make up the life of an idol, but Nino hates that Ohno isn't eating what he should, and what Nino hates even more is the fact that he can’t even blame Ohno, because he also wants Ohno to rest.
Leading Ohno out from the bathroom, Nino leads him to the bed and tells him to sit down and stay put. It’s just for show, though, of course Ohno will.
Nino has picked out clothes for Ohno, just t-shirt and loose pants, just enough to be a normal day if Nino ever saw one. Ohno has no objections, not that Nino expected any. Ohno is pliant and lifts his arms, lifts his feet and allows Nino to dress him like a life sized living doll. He sits down and stands up at Nino’s orders, and at one point, he looks straight at Nino, studies him for a few moments before looking away, his gaze straying, and Nino has to remind himself that this is a passing state, that’s it not forever.
With a bit of luck, Ohno will have returned tonight.
Nino likes to think of these times as quiet interludes in their busy lives and schedules. Ohno’s manager had seen his charge last night, so Nino didn’t have to make the phone calls, telling everyone that Ohno is out of function.
Sometimes, it hits Nino full force that he could do practically anything to Ohno, that Ohno is completely at his mercy, but Nino only feels affection and care. Ohno trusts him with his body until he’s present again, and somehow that’s a gift that Nino treasures.
Ohno does everything he would normally do in the morning, but he only does it because Nino specifically tells him to, because even though Ohno is a lot like a doll at the moment, he takes directions well. Nino can’t do everything for him, either, even though he wants to.
Ohno’s body is exhausted and pale beneath the tan, but Nino only sees a kind of painful beauty, and the emptiness oozing from Ohno seems almost accusing. There is something terribly intimate about handling Ohno when he’s like this, as if he’s seeing something that no one is meant to see, because sometimes he wonders if Ohno is, in fact, very much in when he’s seems out.
Maybe Ohno has just put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up to ward off the prying eyes of the world, because Ohno needs this time to power up, undisturbed, and while he does that, he’s on energy saving mode. Nino sees it as his duty to fend off disturbances and defend Ohno’s desperate need for silence.
Ohno’s silences come in a myriad of nuances, but this deathly quiet one is the worst.
Nino is used to Ohno’s constant presence, the sound of his breathing, his grunts and little sounds, but now it feels like someone has pressed the mute button on him, and even though it throws Nino’s world off kilter, he needs to keep it together, because Ohno is in no state to do it himself. It’s not something they ever talk about, but Nino likes to think that Ohno knows how much he keeps Nino’s life together simply by being constantly present.
So the least he can do, Nino thinks, is to do the same for Ohno when he needs it. He has learned to deal with Ohno’s gaping absence even though he’s right there.
“Socks?” Nino asks, raising an eyebrow. Ohno looks up at him and for a moment, it’s as if something flickers in Ohno’s eyes, but it’s gone again before Nino can be sure.
Ohno shakes his head slowly, turning his head to look out of the window disinterestedly, and Nino sets out to find his flip flops instead.
Nino hates to be pitied and he hates how the people around them only look at him with pity in their eyes, because it makes him feel as if Ohno has left for good. So he smiles reassuringly, nods encouragingly and behind the forced smile, he imagines that he’s serving everyone some well deserved punches to the face.
He can’t help but stroke the feet presented to him as he slides Ohno’s flips flops on, but Ohno only glances at him before returning to the window once more. Nino fights the urge to sigh and begins to pack their stuff. When someone knocks on the door, he’s just finishing zipping their bags and calls out for whoever it is to enter.
Sho enters quietly as if sharp movements would startle Ohno, but Nino knows that it won’t make him snap out of it.
“Good morning,” Sho says and smiles at Ohno as if it was a normal day, and Nino feels a surge of affection for his bandmate in that instant. Sho doesn’t let it affect him that Ohno doesn’t answer, only turns to Nino. “Slept okay?”
Nino shrugs and carries their bags to the other end of the room.
“I’ll take those,” Sho offers and Nino almost snaps at him, but refrains because he knows the others are worried, too. He knows that any of them would take care of Ohno if given the chance, but it just doesn’t happen. Nino won’t give up this responsibility for anything.
“Need more help?” Sho asks as he hoists a bag on his shoulder and grabs the other one. “We’re going to the car in a few minutes.”
“We’re fine,” Nino assures. “We’re ready to go.”
Sho nods and leaves, shutting the door behind him and Nino sits down next to Ohno on the bed.
He scoots closer until their shoulders bump and he smiles, offering a hand to Ohno, his palm upwards. He nudges Ohno a bit with his shoulder and watches Ohno looking down at Nino’s offered hand as if it’s an oddity he’s never been faced with before. Nino imagines he can hear the cogs turning and working and he almost chuckles, but he doesn’t quite; he just keeps his hand steady and waits for Ohno.
Maybe he’ll take it, maybe he won’t.
Ohno is as good as staring a hole through his palm before lifting his own hand experimentally and mimics Nino’s hand for a long moment. Slowly, he turns his hand and lowers it to Nino’s, letting it rest there, and bit by bit his fingers lace through Nino’s.
Finally, Nino thinks, because it’s a big triumph in a day he knows will consist of one-sided conversations and interactions.
“Ready?” He asks, squeezing Ohno’s fingers, delicate in his hold.
Ohno nods almost imperceptibly after a long drawn out moment, but Nino sees it and offers a smile.
He slides his free arm around Ohno’s shoulders briefly, feeling something solid in his arms and he nods decisively. He gets to his feet and coaxes Ohno to stand by tugging at their interlinked hands, and Ohno is still looking at their hands.
Nino takes a step forward and he tries not to react when Ohno tightens his grip on Nino’s hand a bit.
Nino turns back to Ohno and smiles encouragingly.
“Let’s go, Oh-chan.”
*
/The end.
AN: No Ohno’s were harmed in the process of writing this fic. The only thing coming to harm was Jun’s pride. Don’t ask.
So, next up is ‘Careless, Senseless, Kiss Me Breathless’ and it will be up at the weekend, at the latest! I hope you’ll stay tuned!
Take care of yourselves :)
Pairing(s): Ohmiya
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own. Unfortunately.
Wordcount: 2,000
Summary: Loving someone includes staying strong when they're at their weakest.
Author's Notes: This is my baby ;;__;; For my msn-buddies; Gati and Vanessa (and Jun), because they put up with me while I wrote it :D
*
I'm standing across from you (But I see you)
I've dreamt alone, now the dreams won't do (But I see you)
I'm standing across from you (But I see you)
I've dreamt alone, now the dreams won't do (But I see you)
Truth be told, my problem solved
You mean the world to me
But you'll never know
You could be cruel to me
While we're risking the way that I see you
But I see you
- I See You by Mika
*
Ohno is out.
No, Nino corrects himself. Ohno is Out.
He’s lying right next to Nino on the bed, sleeping deeply, but even though he’s in arm’s reach, Nino never feels him as distant as he does when Ohno is Out.
Nino curses himself for not having seen the signs a mile away. Before the concert yesterday, Ohno had been quiet, not the usual kind of quiet, but his entire posture and bearing had been screaming quiet. Backstage during the concert, during costume changes, Ohno had gone through the motions automatically, but on stage, he had used the last remnants of energy, singing, dancing, smiling, waving.
But after the third encore, it was game over.
Walking on the edge of the brink of unconsciousness, Ohno’s feet had barely moved and he only arrived at the showers because Nino had steered him in the right direction. Nino had helped Ohno shower, helped him dry up and helped him get dressed. Ohno’s mind had shut down in a last ditch attempt to regain some energy.
The thing about Ohno is that he’s so damn good at hiding. The others look tired and they will say if they’re nearing total exhaustion and they go down gradually, but Ohno can keep going and going and going. Until he crashes. There are no visible signs of Ohno steering towards complete meltdown until it’s irreversible, and Nino can only take care of him when he’s out for the count.
Ohno’s body is working on the lowest energy level possible, just functioning and simply existing until he’s ready to resurface. The difference between Ohno’s normal spacing out and this daunting emptiness is startling, and Nino doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it. It’s emotionally draining to take care of Ohno like this. He could of course drop him off at home for his mother to take care of him, but Nino would rather cut his arm off than allow anyone else to care for Ohno in his most vulnerable state. Nino isn’t even sure Ohno’s mother knows about this state Ohno enters once in a while.
Ohno is wearing a worn out t-shirt and boxers which Nino helped him into last night when they arrived at the hotel, and they hide how thin Ohno has become. He’s been sleeping ever since Nino placed him on the bed.
It’s not as if they have anything to do today, they only have to relocate to another hotel before the concert tomorrow night; it should be plenty of time to get Ohno back to some kind of semblance to living and away from barely existing.
He looks at Ohno’s sleeping form and nothing seems different. But he knows better.
Nino gently strokes Ohno’s arms and neck, slowly easing him into consciousness, and Ohno’s eyes flutter. Nino vividly remembers the times he’s been shocked and hurt at Ohno’s empty stare as if he doesn’t remember Nino at all, doesn’t remember all they’ve shared and what they are.
But he does remember, Nino knows, because his body reacts to Nino and doesn’t want anyone else to touch him at times like these.
“It’s morning,” Nino says, still stroking along Ohno’s neck and Ohno blinks sleepily. They have a lot of time until they have to leave the hotel, because Nino doesn’t want to rush this; he wants Ohno to have all the time he needs to get ready.
He gets Ohno out of bed and steers him towards the bathroom, lets him stand for a while to see if he’s going to move by himself, because it’s not like Ohno has lost his will, but it soon becomes clear that Ohno has no intention of entering the shower. Ohno is obedient when Nino asks him to raise his arms so Nino can get the shirt off and after that, Nino slides his boxers down. There’s nothing even remotely erotic about the gesture.
Ohno isn’t present to consent to or appreciate any touches or glances besides the necessary and Nino looks at Ohno’s body with strictly professional eyes. Nino pushes him lightly into the shower and then joins him after shrugging his own clothes off. Ohno closes his eyes when he’s told to, tilts his head backwards so he won’t get shampoo in his eyes. Last night, Nino hadn’t felt up to dealing with anything more than a quick wash off, so now he washes Ohno thoroughly.
He tugs Ohno out afterwards and dries him gently, wrapping the towel around his hips, before sitting him down on the lid of the toilet. Ohno is staring blankly ahead as Nino dresses, looking right through Nino even when Nino kneels right in front of him.
Ohno looks terribly fragile with that thin body, all bony and no fat. Even the cheeks have slimmed down. None of them are exactly eating what they should when they’re busy with concerts, dramas and all the other activities that make up the life of an idol, but Nino hates that Ohno isn't eating what he should, and what Nino hates even more is the fact that he can’t even blame Ohno, because he also wants Ohno to rest.
Leading Ohno out from the bathroom, Nino leads him to the bed and tells him to sit down and stay put. It’s just for show, though, of course Ohno will.
Nino has picked out clothes for Ohno, just t-shirt and loose pants, just enough to be a normal day if Nino ever saw one. Ohno has no objections, not that Nino expected any. Ohno is pliant and lifts his arms, lifts his feet and allows Nino to dress him like a life sized living doll. He sits down and stands up at Nino’s orders, and at one point, he looks straight at Nino, studies him for a few moments before looking away, his gaze straying, and Nino has to remind himself that this is a passing state, that’s it not forever.
With a bit of luck, Ohno will have returned tonight.
Nino likes to think of these times as quiet interludes in their busy lives and schedules. Ohno’s manager had seen his charge last night, so Nino didn’t have to make the phone calls, telling everyone that Ohno is out of function.
Sometimes, it hits Nino full force that he could do practically anything to Ohno, that Ohno is completely at his mercy, but Nino only feels affection and care. Ohno trusts him with his body until he’s present again, and somehow that’s a gift that Nino treasures.
Ohno does everything he would normally do in the morning, but he only does it because Nino specifically tells him to, because even though Ohno is a lot like a doll at the moment, he takes directions well. Nino can’t do everything for him, either, even though he wants to.
Ohno’s body is exhausted and pale beneath the tan, but Nino only sees a kind of painful beauty, and the emptiness oozing from Ohno seems almost accusing. There is something terribly intimate about handling Ohno when he’s like this, as if he’s seeing something that no one is meant to see, because sometimes he wonders if Ohno is, in fact, very much in when he’s seems out.
Maybe Ohno has just put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up to ward off the prying eyes of the world, because Ohno needs this time to power up, undisturbed, and while he does that, he’s on energy saving mode. Nino sees it as his duty to fend off disturbances and defend Ohno’s desperate need for silence.
Ohno’s silences come in a myriad of nuances, but this deathly quiet one is the worst.
Nino is used to Ohno’s constant presence, the sound of his breathing, his grunts and little sounds, but now it feels like someone has pressed the mute button on him, and even though it throws Nino’s world off kilter, he needs to keep it together, because Ohno is in no state to do it himself. It’s not something they ever talk about, but Nino likes to think that Ohno knows how much he keeps Nino’s life together simply by being constantly present.
So the least he can do, Nino thinks, is to do the same for Ohno when he needs it. He has learned to deal with Ohno’s gaping absence even though he’s right there.
“Socks?” Nino asks, raising an eyebrow. Ohno looks up at him and for a moment, it’s as if something flickers in Ohno’s eyes, but it’s gone again before Nino can be sure.
Ohno shakes his head slowly, turning his head to look out of the window disinterestedly, and Nino sets out to find his flip flops instead.
Nino hates to be pitied and he hates how the people around them only look at him with pity in their eyes, because it makes him feel as if Ohno has left for good. So he smiles reassuringly, nods encouragingly and behind the forced smile, he imagines that he’s serving everyone some well deserved punches to the face.
He can’t help but stroke the feet presented to him as he slides Ohno’s flips flops on, but Ohno only glances at him before returning to the window once more. Nino fights the urge to sigh and begins to pack their stuff. When someone knocks on the door, he’s just finishing zipping their bags and calls out for whoever it is to enter.
Sho enters quietly as if sharp movements would startle Ohno, but Nino knows that it won’t make him snap out of it.
“Good morning,” Sho says and smiles at Ohno as if it was a normal day, and Nino feels a surge of affection for his bandmate in that instant. Sho doesn’t let it affect him that Ohno doesn’t answer, only turns to Nino. “Slept okay?”
Nino shrugs and carries their bags to the other end of the room.
“I’ll take those,” Sho offers and Nino almost snaps at him, but refrains because he knows the others are worried, too. He knows that any of them would take care of Ohno if given the chance, but it just doesn’t happen. Nino won’t give up this responsibility for anything.
“Need more help?” Sho asks as he hoists a bag on his shoulder and grabs the other one. “We’re going to the car in a few minutes.”
“We’re fine,” Nino assures. “We’re ready to go.”
Sho nods and leaves, shutting the door behind him and Nino sits down next to Ohno on the bed.
He scoots closer until their shoulders bump and he smiles, offering a hand to Ohno, his palm upwards. He nudges Ohno a bit with his shoulder and watches Ohno looking down at Nino’s offered hand as if it’s an oddity he’s never been faced with before. Nino imagines he can hear the cogs turning and working and he almost chuckles, but he doesn’t quite; he just keeps his hand steady and waits for Ohno.
Maybe he’ll take it, maybe he won’t.
Ohno is as good as staring a hole through his palm before lifting his own hand experimentally and mimics Nino’s hand for a long moment. Slowly, he turns his hand and lowers it to Nino’s, letting it rest there, and bit by bit his fingers lace through Nino’s.
Finally, Nino thinks, because it’s a big triumph in a day he knows will consist of one-sided conversations and interactions.
“Ready?” He asks, squeezing Ohno’s fingers, delicate in his hold.
Ohno nods almost imperceptibly after a long drawn out moment, but Nino sees it and offers a smile.
He slides his free arm around Ohno’s shoulders briefly, feeling something solid in his arms and he nods decisively. He gets to his feet and coaxes Ohno to stand by tugging at their interlinked hands, and Ohno is still looking at their hands.
Nino takes a step forward and he tries not to react when Ohno tightens his grip on Nino’s hand a bit.
Nino turns back to Ohno and smiles encouragingly.
“Let’s go, Oh-chan.”
*
/The end.
AN: No Ohno’s were harmed in the process of writing this fic. The only thing coming to harm was Jun’s pride. Don’t ask.
So, next up is ‘Careless, Senseless, Kiss Me Breathless’ and it will be up at the weekend, at the latest! I hope you’ll stay tuned!
Take care of yourselves :)