REALIZED (Legend of the Seeker - Kahlan/Cara)
TITLE: REALIZED 26/26
AUTHOR: rhyfeddu
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Definitely AU from "Eternity" on.
Kahlan's POV. Kahlan/Cara, Dahlia, Zedd, Richard, Shota (sort of)
DISCLAIMER: As always, everything here belongs to other (much more wealthy) people. I'm just having fun.
COMMENT: Twenty sixth part, a continuation from "Strife"
NOTE: We’re wrapping up! No, I can’t believe it, either…
Birds.
I heard birdsong.
I felt a breeze rustling past. The steady warmth of sunlight on my face. And Cara’s soft fingertips on my temples.
When I blinked my eyes open I was so disoriented I didn’t move. My head was pillowed in Cara’s lap. I saw the shine of her golden hair being tossed lightly in the wind above me. The intense burn of her green eyes on mine.
But that’s all. I couldn’t remember how we got there.
Then I smelled the unmistakable scent of fire and death. I lurched upright and started breathing hard. I still didn’t know how, but something was wrong. Very wrong.
Cara’s hand stroked my back, soothing motions along with soothing words. She was warning me not to move too quickly. She was saying that it was alright. I kept shaking my head, sure that it wasn’t, my eyes darting around for the source of my panic.
We were just on the other side of a rise. I turned around and saw that smoke was coming from below us, just out of sight. I scrambled to my feet and half ran and half crawled to the peak of the hill and looked down.
Then I dropped to my knees and starting retching in the tall, spare grass. Cara pulled back my hair and waited.
“Cara,” I choked out. “What did I do?”
“You saved us,” she replied firmly.
I was the nightmare I was waking up to.
I made myself ask. “The others?”
“Richard, Zedd and Dalhia are alive. She was unconscious throughout it and escaped your attention. They’re alright.”
I gasped in relief, quickly followed by dull incomprehension. “I don’t understand how I could…I’m not…I’ve never…”
“It was my fault,” Cara interrupted. That made me finally face her. She wasn’t looking at me like I was a monster. She looked concerned, apologetic. I just shook my head in confusion.
“To reassure you…I was calling on our Bond. When they agieled me…” She hesitated. “…You somehow felt it, too. It spurred the Con Dar.” Her forehead wrinkled. “The Bond isn’t supposed to work that way.”
Cara then softly but curtly cataloged what happened, what I’d done. I didn’t want to believe her. It sounded like the tall tales and legends of the first Confessor, Lillith. No one, not even other Confessors, really believed those stories. They were always assumed to have grown in the telling over the centuries. No one was really supposed to be able to do all that. But I saw the evidence smoldering below me.
“How did it stop?”
Cara squinted at me. “You don’t remember any of it?”
The few times I’d entered the Con Dar before, I’d only retained flashes of memory and worrying impressions. And the coppery aftertaste of hate in my mouth. This was even more vague. The feeling of dread bigger. I shook my head again. “No. Not really.”
She took a deep breath. “We didn’t know how to get you out of that state. Or whether we could. I thought if I called on the Bond again I might have a chance of reaching you. Or at least…” She paused, and shrugged off her train of thought.
“What?” I pressed.
“That my death might snap you out of it,” she said, clipped and blunt. “You’d be returned to yourself.”
“Cara.”
She lifted her head and pursed her lips, daring any reproach from me. “I wouldn’t have regretted it.”
I reached out and grabbed both her hands and pressed them hard against my chest. She leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
“But that didn’t happen,” she said faintly.
“What did?” I asked, my tears starting to breach my numbness.
“I’m…not sure. When you tried to confess me-“
“I confessed you?” The bile was threatening to climb my throat again.
“When you tried to confess me,” Cara repeated pointedly, “It didn’t...work. I felt it, but…The Bond created some sort of exchange. I was me and I was you, too.” She sighed, struggling to put what she experienced into words. “I was the Confessor and the confessed. And you can’t confess yourself, so it seemed to cancel itself out. The Bond has become some sort of melding instead of a one sided communication. I’ve never heard of that happening before.” She shrugged again. “But then, Mord Sith have always been discouraged against calling on it as I have. Perhaps that’s why. It would Bond us to someone more strongly than our link to Lord Rahl. That would be dangerous to his hold on the Mord Sith. To be that devoted to someone else...” She caught herself, embarrassed, but she smiled slightly too.
I looked at her in wonder and gratitude. “So you think…I can’t confess you?”
“As long as the Bond is being called upon, it seems to protect me. And if you couldn’t confess me during Con Dar, I can’t imagine a normal confession could.” Cara smirked at the sudden color heating my face. “Yes. Interesting possibilities occurred to me, too.”
“Cara,” I said again, but in a completely different way.
Suddenly, I was aware of a water bladder thrust near my face. I followed the arm holding it until I was looking into Dahlia’s grey eyes, framed by her free flowing hair. “Water, Confessor. You should drink it.”
I let go of Cara’s hands and eagerly took it. I hadn’t realized how parched I was. I rinsed my mouth then started greedily swallowing. “I saw you’d finally woken,” she added, as I gulped. “Is she well?” she directed at Cara.
“Yes,” Cara said, quietly happy. “She will be.”
I stopped drinking, catching my breath. “Are you?” I asked her, glancing at her still blackened palms.
Dahlia exchanged knowing looks with Cara. “Yes. I will be.”
“I’m glad, “I said sincerely. “I’m sorry for what happened. For your loss.”
Dahlia nodded brusquely, still in the manner of a Mord Sith, and looked again at Cara. I felt I was late joining a conversation already started. “It has…made my options clearer, though.” Dahlia shifted a little awkwardly. “Do you require anything else, Mother Confessor?” she asked formally.
“Um…no? Thank you.”
She pivoted and headed back down the wasted side of the hill without another word, towards a large man-made fire some distance away. I was comforted to see Richard and Zedd standing near and tending it.
I cocked my head at Cara. “What was that about?”
“Dahlia’s very impressed with you. She’s decided to serve you. Mother Confessor.” Cara grinned. “You may start quite the cult.”
My mouth dropped. “I don’t want that, “I stammered. “I don’t want followers, not like that. Not for what I did here.”
Cara reached out and squeezed my arm. “She needs it, Kahlan. Dahlia has followed and obeyed someone most of her life. At least now it would be for someone worthy of it. She needs a purpose. Now that she’s defied Rahl and lost her powers, her connection to her past life is even further from her. Until she learns her own strengths, her own wants, let her do this.”
I watched Dahlia retreat. Her steps were lighter and her spine straighter than it has been in some time. I thought about what she’d been through since I’d known her. And what she’d sacrificed to spare Cara pain and most likely death. I sighed. “Alright.”
“Think of it as practice handling the adoring crowds that will one day greet the Mother Confessor upon her return home,” she added wryly.
I stared at Cara. Part of me had begun to believe I’d never see Aydindril again. Part of me didn’t want to. I’d resisted returning before, not willing to give up the life I’d had traveling with Richard. The freedom of it, the ability to directly help people, the informality. But it seemed I’d finally run out of excuses.
Cara realized she’d somehow upset me, and she reached out to touch my hair with a questioning look.
I stretched my sore neck to deflect it and suddenly realized how high the sun was in the sky. “Cara? How long have I been out?”
“It happened yesterday. This is the following afternoon.” The casualness of her words couldn’t hide the worry that had obviously caused. “Richard helped me move you away from the battle.”
That caused me to look again at Richard and Zedd milling around the large fire. “What are they doing down there?”
Cara didn’t answer and I turned back to her with apprehension. “They’ve built a pyre,” she finally said. “For Shota.”
I knew the answer before I asked it, my voice small. “Was it me?”
Cara nodded.
“You couldn’t bring her back?”
“She was too…damaged.”
I abruptly got up, nervously brushing dirt from my gown that wasn’t even there. “I have to go to Zedd.”
Cara rose too. “Kahlan…”
I watched my hands continue to swipe needlessly at my dress. “What he must think of me…”
“He doesn’t blame you.”
A short, bitter laugh escaped me. “How could he not? I’m responsible.”
Cara reached up and grabbed both sides of my face and forced my eyes to hers. My tears rolled over her knuckles. “Darken Rahl caused this. He put Shota in harm’s way. You would have been willing to fight every one of Rahl’s troops, and even Shota, hand to hand and to the death to protect us. What happened is no different. I understand that it frightens you. The loss of control, the loss of memory. I understand-”
I shook my head against her grip. “You can’t, Cara. It’s…to know that’s inside me. That darkness. To know what I’m capable of…”
Cara’s brow lifted. “I wouldn’t understand that?”
“This is different. It’s like…something, someone else taking me over, a possession. I can’t explain it.”
Cara’s hands slid to the sides of my neck. “You don’t have to. I experienced it with you, remember?”
The implications of that hadn’t really registered before, and I felt my eyes widen. “Oh.”
“And you’re wrong. I could feel a part of you, Kahlan, still present, tempering it, trying to control it.”
My mouth clenched. “Not well enough.”
“Did you have full control over your powers of confession when you began to use them?”
I dumbly shook my head.
“This is not something taking you over, Kahlan. This is a part of you, a part of your powers as much as any of the others. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Her hands still rested against my throat and I covered them with my own, and leaned my forehead against hers. I looked into her fierce green gaze, seeing only acceptance and support.
“Thank you,” I whispered. I took one of her hands away and kissed her palm, then squeezed it.
I saw Cara’s face suddenly shade as she swallowed nervously. “There’s something else.” My heart dropped. “Something that you don’t seem to remember…”
I braced myself. “Go on.”
Cara looked grim and determined. So much so, that when she finally spoke again there was a lag before her words really registered. “I love you,” she blurted. “I…told you that. Before. But you don’t remember it, so…” She began to squirm under my confused stare.
My head started to slowly bob up and down, even as a delighted grin broke over my face. “Oh. So you’re just clarifying? So there’s no confusion?”
She lowered her head and looked at me through her lashes. “Right. I wouldn’t want there to be any confusion.” She bit her lip anxiously, but a playful glint shone in her eyes.
I tipped my head forward and freed her lower lip from her teeth and soothed them with my own lips instead. “I’m not confused. Not anymore,” I said through light kisses. “I know how you feel. And I know how I feel. I love you so much, Cara.”
Cara started kissing back, and it became more eager, more forceful, and I felt the warmth of our Bond loosen and flood my body. How could I ever doubt what she felt when she could tell me so absolutely, without words? I smiled against her lips, realizing that our peculiar Bond now allowed Cara to feel the same clarity from me.
I sighed and reluctantly pulled back, and rested my head on hers again. “I really should…I need to talk to Zedd and Richard now.” Cara nodded, adding one more quick kiss before reluctantly letting me go.
She followed me closely as we slowly made our way down the hill, obviously still wary of my condition. As we drew nearer, we saw Dahlia standing a discreet distance away from the pyre while Zedd looked mournfully into the center of its consuming flames. Richard had turned towards us, his face bright and pleased. I could tell he was impatient, forcing himself not to run to meet me as he shifted his feet.
When I reached him, he took me in his arms in a tight hug. His hands were still, not possessive, and careful. It was obviously an effort, but I was grateful he was trying. When we parted, he looked intently at me. “How are you?”
I breathed out and shook my head, his concern starting my eyes to prick again. “I don’t know.” I decided to be honest. “Scared, mostly. And thankful we were spared.”
“You took so long to wake up.” His brown eyes clouded with worry, then he cast a look at Cara behind me. “I thought she was going to pace a hole to the Underworld.”
Cara pursed her lips and huffed. “And Lord Rahl was beside himself. There were lame cattle in the area and he couldn’t leave to help them.”
I looked between them, startled. It dawned on me that they’d had hours to talk while I was unconscious. And they apparently had. It wasn’t as if nothing had ever happened - it never would be that way again - but listening to them was so close to normal that I broke down in exhausted relief and pressed myself back into Richard’s chest, wetting his tunic front.
“It’s okay,” he said, patting my back, in a way that told me he knew exactly what I was thinking.
I lifted my head after awhile and swiped at my face, finally glancing at Zedd’s sad profile. Richard gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze and I walked closer to him.
Without looking at me, Zedd simply held his left arm up and wide open and I wordlessly nestled against him, wrapping my arms around his thin waist as he closed his arm back around me.
We watched the flames licking what remained of the bound and wrapped figure resting in the middle of the pyre, the ash taking flight in the hot air around us.
After a time, Zedd cleared his throat. “Shota was not a perfect woman,” he declared shakily. “But she was a magnificent one.”
I buried my face into his scratchy robe. “I’m so sorry, Zedd.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to feel sorry for, child. She was spared a fate as Rahl’s plaything, something that would have been abhorrent to her.” He pressed his hand against my shoulder. “In a strange way, I think she would have appreciated that a power not seen since the very first Confessor was required to end the life of the great sorceress Shota.”
I felt myself inwardly recoil. At what I did and at the comparison. “Zedd. I don’t know what happened, what this means…”
“It means, Kahlan, that you have the potential to be the most powerful Confessor since Lillith herself.”
A sudden feeling of panic pressed against my chest. “I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t understand it.”
“Of course not. But you will understand it. There are ancient parchments about it in Aydindril; I’ve seen them. And moldy scholars who do nothing but study them their entire lives who will eagerly tell you all you need to know. And then some. They’ll help you, Kahlan.”
“Can’t you help me?” I couldn’t quite keep the plaintive tone out of my voice.
He pulled his gaze away from the pyre for the first time. “I think it’s time to retire. Go back to my chickens and stay out of trouble.”
“Zedd,” I protested. “You’re a Wizard of the First Order. You can’t retire from that. That’s who you are. We still need you. If traveling with Richard is too difficult now, please consider coming back to Aydindril with me. I need your consul. I need your help.”
“Perhaps,” he said noncommittally, patting my arm. “Perhaps later on.”
I didn’t want to add to his pain, but I felt an urgent need to address one of the things still clawing nervously at my belly. “Zedd. What did you do with the Orb?”
His jaw worked. “I’ve disguised it once again. I’ve asked Richard, Cara and Dahlia, and now I’m asking you, to forget about its existence altogether. The ancients were right to hide it. If I could destroy it, I would.” A sad smile played on his face. “Many years ago, I left Shota because I feared our combined magic would be too dangerous. Some magic is too much for any mortal to weld. It’s a harsh irony that my forgetting that led to Shota’s death.”
Zedd turned back towards the fire, the creases in his face cutting deeper in the flame’s light. I pulled my arms tighter around him before letting go.
After our conversation had faded, Richard and Cara drew closer, joining Zedd, Dahlia and I around the pyre.
“So you’re planning on traveling on to Aydindril?” Richard asked lightly, but the thread of sadness was there underneath.
“I think it’s time,” I admitted. “And I want to better control the Con Dar. If they can help me there…”
He nodded and ducked his head. I saw him swallow. “I was thinking…I remembered what you’d told me, about the letters you got from your sister?”
I nodded back. Occasionally letters from Dennee would somehow reach me. They’d become increasingly despairing of the life she’d had since returning to the land of the living. Agreeing out of guilt to assume someone’s else’s life, raise someone else’s child, had begun to take its toll on her. She was desperately unhappy. And yet she felt stuck in that life. It was clear what Richard was thinking. “Are you going to ask Dennee to join you?”
He tried to shrug casually, but his eyes were shining. “I think it would help both of us.”
“The Seeker needs a Confessor,“ I agreed, smiling, but my voice was thick with tears.
Richard’s eyes watered in answer. Neither of us had ever imagined we’d part like this. He reached out and touched my fingertips with his briefly, before letting go and then he coughed, trying to shake off the emotion. “What about you, Dahlia?” He asked. “Do you want to travel with me for awhile?”
She tipped her head. “I go where the Mother Confessor goes.”
Richard grinned and gave me a teasing glance. “Well, it’s good to know Kahlan will be in good hands.”
Dahlia frowned, suspicious that her abilities were being doubted. “Yes. She will be,” she said a little defensively. “Don’t mistake a lack of magic for weakness, Seeker.”
Richard quickly shook his head and held up his hands. “No, Dahlia. I would never underestimate you. Again.”
Dahlia looked mollified and even smiled slightly. Somehow it still looked a little dangerous from her.
“Where will you go?” I asked Richard softly, a worried concern niggling my conscience.
Richard exchanged looks with Cara. “After I see Dennee, I’ll go to Stowcroft.”
Cara didn’t look surprised. In fact, she looked approving. I wondered what else I’d missed while I was sleeping.
“I’ll check in on Cara’s son and the rest of her family. Now that Darken Rahl is dead, some of Rahl’s followers might try and find him. If anyone else even knows about him.” He smiled at Cara. “And I’d like to meet him. After all, I am his uncle.”
Cara rolled her eyes and snorted. “Perhaps you shouldn’t mention that. There are more than enough family revelations to scar him already.”
Richard chuckled gamely.
“Cara…” I hesitated. “You don’t want to see him yourself?” I asked carefully.
“No,” she replied immediately. Then she softened, looking much more unsure. “Now now. There will be time for that later. For now, I will accompany you to Aydindril.”
“But that could wait. If you wanted, we could go to Stowcroft, too.” Cara and Richard traded looks, as if this was completely expected of me. And as soon as I said it, I knew how unfair that would be. Despite this teasing, I knew this was uncomfortable and awkward for both of them.
“No, “Cara replied firmly. “For very many reasons, you need to go to Aydindril.” A smile flickered on her lips. “And I go where the Mother Confessor goes.”
I pulled a face at her, and smiled back. I desperately wanted to change Cara’s mind about her son. But I knew that would take time. The news that he was alive was still too fresh and raw. I couldn’t and wouldn’t rush her. For now, it was enough to ensure that he remained safe. And I knew Richard, the Seeker, would do that.
We fell into a companionable silence as we continued to bear witness to Shota’s leaving. Cara, Dahlia, Zedd, Richard and I had somehow managed to grasp onto a fragile and delicate peace between us, and it seemed all the more precious as we watched all trace of this powerful, formidable woman carried away on the indifferent wind.
Cara sidled up next to me and brushed her hand against the back of mine. I grabbed it and clasped it firmly in mine, my eyes filling again.
It’s rarely so obvious when life’s path has forked before you, with hard choices so plainly marked. Change often sneaks up on us, bit by bit instead. But the lives of my friends, my family, standing around me were clearly altered from this point forward. And we all knew it in that moment.
I had no idea what lay ahead for any of us. But Cara’s warm palm resting against mine felt as fated as anything that would ever happen to me in my life.
THE END.
AUTHOR’S NOTES:
Thanks to everyone who stuck it out with me over this long haul. Thanks especially everyone who took the time to comment (aka feeding the writer!).
I know there are some smaller plot points still left dangling. But like life, nothing is ever completely tied up. I may or may not revisit this AU again. So just think of it as my own Season Finale! :)
I also have ideas for unrelated one-shots and MUCH shorter fics in mind. After a breather, I hope to have some more fun playing in the LotS playground again.
PS I thought it somehow fitting to end with Shota on the pyre. Ephiny had a similar ending, and it was one of my favorite scenes in Xena!
AUTHOR: rhyfeddu
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Definitely AU from "Eternity" on.
Kahlan's POV. Kahlan/Cara, Dahlia, Zedd, Richard, Shota (sort of)
DISCLAIMER: As always, everything here belongs to other (much more wealthy) people. I'm just having fun.
COMMENT: Twenty sixth part, a continuation from "Strife"
NOTE: We’re wrapping up! No, I can’t believe it, either…
Birds.
I heard birdsong.
I felt a breeze rustling past. The steady warmth of sunlight on my face. And Cara’s soft fingertips on my temples.
When I blinked my eyes open I was so disoriented I didn’t move. My head was pillowed in Cara’s lap. I saw the shine of her golden hair being tossed lightly in the wind above me. The intense burn of her green eyes on mine.
But that’s all. I couldn’t remember how we got there.
Then I smelled the unmistakable scent of fire and death. I lurched upright and started breathing hard. I still didn’t know how, but something was wrong. Very wrong.
Cara’s hand stroked my back, soothing motions along with soothing words. She was warning me not to move too quickly. She was saying that it was alright. I kept shaking my head, sure that it wasn’t, my eyes darting around for the source of my panic.
We were just on the other side of a rise. I turned around and saw that smoke was coming from below us, just out of sight. I scrambled to my feet and half ran and half crawled to the peak of the hill and looked down.
Then I dropped to my knees and starting retching in the tall, spare grass. Cara pulled back my hair and waited.
“Cara,” I choked out. “What did I do?”
“You saved us,” she replied firmly.
I was the nightmare I was waking up to.
I made myself ask. “The others?”
“Richard, Zedd and Dalhia are alive. She was unconscious throughout it and escaped your attention. They’re alright.”
I gasped in relief, quickly followed by dull incomprehension. “I don’t understand how I could…I’m not…I’ve never…”
“It was my fault,” Cara interrupted. That made me finally face her. She wasn’t looking at me like I was a monster. She looked concerned, apologetic. I just shook my head in confusion.
“To reassure you…I was calling on our Bond. When they agieled me…” She hesitated. “…You somehow felt it, too. It spurred the Con Dar.” Her forehead wrinkled. “The Bond isn’t supposed to work that way.”
Cara then softly but curtly cataloged what happened, what I’d done. I didn’t want to believe her. It sounded like the tall tales and legends of the first Confessor, Lillith. No one, not even other Confessors, really believed those stories. They were always assumed to have grown in the telling over the centuries. No one was really supposed to be able to do all that. But I saw the evidence smoldering below me.
“How did it stop?”
Cara squinted at me. “You don’t remember any of it?”
The few times I’d entered the Con Dar before, I’d only retained flashes of memory and worrying impressions. And the coppery aftertaste of hate in my mouth. This was even more vague. The feeling of dread bigger. I shook my head again. “No. Not really.”
She took a deep breath. “We didn’t know how to get you out of that state. Or whether we could. I thought if I called on the Bond again I might have a chance of reaching you. Or at least…” She paused, and shrugged off her train of thought.
“What?” I pressed.
“That my death might snap you out of it,” she said, clipped and blunt. “You’d be returned to yourself.”
“Cara.”
She lifted her head and pursed her lips, daring any reproach from me. “I wouldn’t have regretted it.”
I reached out and grabbed both her hands and pressed them hard against my chest. She leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
“But that didn’t happen,” she said faintly.
“What did?” I asked, my tears starting to breach my numbness.
“I’m…not sure. When you tried to confess me-“
“I confessed you?” The bile was threatening to climb my throat again.
“When you tried to confess me,” Cara repeated pointedly, “It didn’t...work. I felt it, but…The Bond created some sort of exchange. I was me and I was you, too.” She sighed, struggling to put what she experienced into words. “I was the Confessor and the confessed. And you can’t confess yourself, so it seemed to cancel itself out. The Bond has become some sort of melding instead of a one sided communication. I’ve never heard of that happening before.” She shrugged again. “But then, Mord Sith have always been discouraged against calling on it as I have. Perhaps that’s why. It would Bond us to someone more strongly than our link to Lord Rahl. That would be dangerous to his hold on the Mord Sith. To be that devoted to someone else...” She caught herself, embarrassed, but she smiled slightly too.
I looked at her in wonder and gratitude. “So you think…I can’t confess you?”
“As long as the Bond is being called upon, it seems to protect me. And if you couldn’t confess me during Con Dar, I can’t imagine a normal confession could.” Cara smirked at the sudden color heating my face. “Yes. Interesting possibilities occurred to me, too.”
“Cara,” I said again, but in a completely different way.
Suddenly, I was aware of a water bladder thrust near my face. I followed the arm holding it until I was looking into Dahlia’s grey eyes, framed by her free flowing hair. “Water, Confessor. You should drink it.”
I let go of Cara’s hands and eagerly took it. I hadn’t realized how parched I was. I rinsed my mouth then started greedily swallowing. “I saw you’d finally woken,” she added, as I gulped. “Is she well?” she directed at Cara.
“Yes,” Cara said, quietly happy. “She will be.”
I stopped drinking, catching my breath. “Are you?” I asked her, glancing at her still blackened palms.
Dahlia exchanged knowing looks with Cara. “Yes. I will be.”
“I’m glad, “I said sincerely. “I’m sorry for what happened. For your loss.”
Dahlia nodded brusquely, still in the manner of a Mord Sith, and looked again at Cara. I felt I was late joining a conversation already started. “It has…made my options clearer, though.” Dahlia shifted a little awkwardly. “Do you require anything else, Mother Confessor?” she asked formally.
“Um…no? Thank you.”
She pivoted and headed back down the wasted side of the hill without another word, towards a large man-made fire some distance away. I was comforted to see Richard and Zedd standing near and tending it.
I cocked my head at Cara. “What was that about?”
“Dahlia’s very impressed with you. She’s decided to serve you. Mother Confessor.” Cara grinned. “You may start quite the cult.”
My mouth dropped. “I don’t want that, “I stammered. “I don’t want followers, not like that. Not for what I did here.”
Cara reached out and squeezed my arm. “She needs it, Kahlan. Dahlia has followed and obeyed someone most of her life. At least now it would be for someone worthy of it. She needs a purpose. Now that she’s defied Rahl and lost her powers, her connection to her past life is even further from her. Until she learns her own strengths, her own wants, let her do this.”
I watched Dahlia retreat. Her steps were lighter and her spine straighter than it has been in some time. I thought about what she’d been through since I’d known her. And what she’d sacrificed to spare Cara pain and most likely death. I sighed. “Alright.”
“Think of it as practice handling the adoring crowds that will one day greet the Mother Confessor upon her return home,” she added wryly.
I stared at Cara. Part of me had begun to believe I’d never see Aydindril again. Part of me didn’t want to. I’d resisted returning before, not willing to give up the life I’d had traveling with Richard. The freedom of it, the ability to directly help people, the informality. But it seemed I’d finally run out of excuses.
Cara realized she’d somehow upset me, and she reached out to touch my hair with a questioning look.
I stretched my sore neck to deflect it and suddenly realized how high the sun was in the sky. “Cara? How long have I been out?”
“It happened yesterday. This is the following afternoon.” The casualness of her words couldn’t hide the worry that had obviously caused. “Richard helped me move you away from the battle.”
That caused me to look again at Richard and Zedd milling around the large fire. “What are they doing down there?”
Cara didn’t answer and I turned back to her with apprehension. “They’ve built a pyre,” she finally said. “For Shota.”
I knew the answer before I asked it, my voice small. “Was it me?”
Cara nodded.
“You couldn’t bring her back?”
“She was too…damaged.”
I abruptly got up, nervously brushing dirt from my gown that wasn’t even there. “I have to go to Zedd.”
Cara rose too. “Kahlan…”
I watched my hands continue to swipe needlessly at my dress. “What he must think of me…”
“He doesn’t blame you.”
A short, bitter laugh escaped me. “How could he not? I’m responsible.”
Cara reached up and grabbed both sides of my face and forced my eyes to hers. My tears rolled over her knuckles. “Darken Rahl caused this. He put Shota in harm’s way. You would have been willing to fight every one of Rahl’s troops, and even Shota, hand to hand and to the death to protect us. What happened is no different. I understand that it frightens you. The loss of control, the loss of memory. I understand-”
I shook my head against her grip. “You can’t, Cara. It’s…to know that’s inside me. That darkness. To know what I’m capable of…”
Cara’s brow lifted. “I wouldn’t understand that?”
“This is different. It’s like…something, someone else taking me over, a possession. I can’t explain it.”
Cara’s hands slid to the sides of my neck. “You don’t have to. I experienced it with you, remember?”
The implications of that hadn’t really registered before, and I felt my eyes widen. “Oh.”
“And you’re wrong. I could feel a part of you, Kahlan, still present, tempering it, trying to control it.”
My mouth clenched. “Not well enough.”
“Did you have full control over your powers of confession when you began to use them?”
I dumbly shook my head.
“This is not something taking you over, Kahlan. This is a part of you, a part of your powers as much as any of the others. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Her hands still rested against my throat and I covered them with my own, and leaned my forehead against hers. I looked into her fierce green gaze, seeing only acceptance and support.
“Thank you,” I whispered. I took one of her hands away and kissed her palm, then squeezed it.
I saw Cara’s face suddenly shade as she swallowed nervously. “There’s something else.” My heart dropped. “Something that you don’t seem to remember…”
I braced myself. “Go on.”
Cara looked grim and determined. So much so, that when she finally spoke again there was a lag before her words really registered. “I love you,” she blurted. “I…told you that. Before. But you don’t remember it, so…” She began to squirm under my confused stare.
My head started to slowly bob up and down, even as a delighted grin broke over my face. “Oh. So you’re just clarifying? So there’s no confusion?”
She lowered her head and looked at me through her lashes. “Right. I wouldn’t want there to be any confusion.” She bit her lip anxiously, but a playful glint shone in her eyes.
I tipped my head forward and freed her lower lip from her teeth and soothed them with my own lips instead. “I’m not confused. Not anymore,” I said through light kisses. “I know how you feel. And I know how I feel. I love you so much, Cara.”
Cara started kissing back, and it became more eager, more forceful, and I felt the warmth of our Bond loosen and flood my body. How could I ever doubt what she felt when she could tell me so absolutely, without words? I smiled against her lips, realizing that our peculiar Bond now allowed Cara to feel the same clarity from me.
I sighed and reluctantly pulled back, and rested my head on hers again. “I really should…I need to talk to Zedd and Richard now.” Cara nodded, adding one more quick kiss before reluctantly letting me go.
She followed me closely as we slowly made our way down the hill, obviously still wary of my condition. As we drew nearer, we saw Dahlia standing a discreet distance away from the pyre while Zedd looked mournfully into the center of its consuming flames. Richard had turned towards us, his face bright and pleased. I could tell he was impatient, forcing himself not to run to meet me as he shifted his feet.
When I reached him, he took me in his arms in a tight hug. His hands were still, not possessive, and careful. It was obviously an effort, but I was grateful he was trying. When we parted, he looked intently at me. “How are you?”
I breathed out and shook my head, his concern starting my eyes to prick again. “I don’t know.” I decided to be honest. “Scared, mostly. And thankful we were spared.”
“You took so long to wake up.” His brown eyes clouded with worry, then he cast a look at Cara behind me. “I thought she was going to pace a hole to the Underworld.”
Cara pursed her lips and huffed. “And Lord Rahl was beside himself. There were lame cattle in the area and he couldn’t leave to help them.”
I looked between them, startled. It dawned on me that they’d had hours to talk while I was unconscious. And they apparently had. It wasn’t as if nothing had ever happened - it never would be that way again - but listening to them was so close to normal that I broke down in exhausted relief and pressed myself back into Richard’s chest, wetting his tunic front.
“It’s okay,” he said, patting my back, in a way that told me he knew exactly what I was thinking.
I lifted my head after awhile and swiped at my face, finally glancing at Zedd’s sad profile. Richard gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze and I walked closer to him.
Without looking at me, Zedd simply held his left arm up and wide open and I wordlessly nestled against him, wrapping my arms around his thin waist as he closed his arm back around me.
We watched the flames licking what remained of the bound and wrapped figure resting in the middle of the pyre, the ash taking flight in the hot air around us.
After a time, Zedd cleared his throat. “Shota was not a perfect woman,” he declared shakily. “But she was a magnificent one.”
I buried my face into his scratchy robe. “I’m so sorry, Zedd.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to feel sorry for, child. She was spared a fate as Rahl’s plaything, something that would have been abhorrent to her.” He pressed his hand against my shoulder. “In a strange way, I think she would have appreciated that a power not seen since the very first Confessor was required to end the life of the great sorceress Shota.”
I felt myself inwardly recoil. At what I did and at the comparison. “Zedd. I don’t know what happened, what this means…”
“It means, Kahlan, that you have the potential to be the most powerful Confessor since Lillith herself.”
A sudden feeling of panic pressed against my chest. “I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t understand it.”
“Of course not. But you will understand it. There are ancient parchments about it in Aydindril; I’ve seen them. And moldy scholars who do nothing but study them their entire lives who will eagerly tell you all you need to know. And then some. They’ll help you, Kahlan.”
“Can’t you help me?” I couldn’t quite keep the plaintive tone out of my voice.
He pulled his gaze away from the pyre for the first time. “I think it’s time to retire. Go back to my chickens and stay out of trouble.”
“Zedd,” I protested. “You’re a Wizard of the First Order. You can’t retire from that. That’s who you are. We still need you. If traveling with Richard is too difficult now, please consider coming back to Aydindril with me. I need your consul. I need your help.”
“Perhaps,” he said noncommittally, patting my arm. “Perhaps later on.”
I didn’t want to add to his pain, but I felt an urgent need to address one of the things still clawing nervously at my belly. “Zedd. What did you do with the Orb?”
His jaw worked. “I’ve disguised it once again. I’ve asked Richard, Cara and Dahlia, and now I’m asking you, to forget about its existence altogether. The ancients were right to hide it. If I could destroy it, I would.” A sad smile played on his face. “Many years ago, I left Shota because I feared our combined magic would be too dangerous. Some magic is too much for any mortal to weld. It’s a harsh irony that my forgetting that led to Shota’s death.”
Zedd turned back towards the fire, the creases in his face cutting deeper in the flame’s light. I pulled my arms tighter around him before letting go.
After our conversation had faded, Richard and Cara drew closer, joining Zedd, Dahlia and I around the pyre.
“So you’re planning on traveling on to Aydindril?” Richard asked lightly, but the thread of sadness was there underneath.
“I think it’s time,” I admitted. “And I want to better control the Con Dar. If they can help me there…”
He nodded and ducked his head. I saw him swallow. “I was thinking…I remembered what you’d told me, about the letters you got from your sister?”
I nodded back. Occasionally letters from Dennee would somehow reach me. They’d become increasingly despairing of the life she’d had since returning to the land of the living. Agreeing out of guilt to assume someone’s else’s life, raise someone else’s child, had begun to take its toll on her. She was desperately unhappy. And yet she felt stuck in that life. It was clear what Richard was thinking. “Are you going to ask Dennee to join you?”
He tried to shrug casually, but his eyes were shining. “I think it would help both of us.”
“The Seeker needs a Confessor,“ I agreed, smiling, but my voice was thick with tears.
Richard’s eyes watered in answer. Neither of us had ever imagined we’d part like this. He reached out and touched my fingertips with his briefly, before letting go and then he coughed, trying to shake off the emotion. “What about you, Dahlia?” He asked. “Do you want to travel with me for awhile?”
She tipped her head. “I go where the Mother Confessor goes.”
Richard grinned and gave me a teasing glance. “Well, it’s good to know Kahlan will be in good hands.”
Dahlia frowned, suspicious that her abilities were being doubted. “Yes. She will be,” she said a little defensively. “Don’t mistake a lack of magic for weakness, Seeker.”
Richard quickly shook his head and held up his hands. “No, Dahlia. I would never underestimate you. Again.”
Dahlia looked mollified and even smiled slightly. Somehow it still looked a little dangerous from her.
“Where will you go?” I asked Richard softly, a worried concern niggling my conscience.
Richard exchanged looks with Cara. “After I see Dennee, I’ll go to Stowcroft.”
Cara didn’t look surprised. In fact, she looked approving. I wondered what else I’d missed while I was sleeping.
“I’ll check in on Cara’s son and the rest of her family. Now that Darken Rahl is dead, some of Rahl’s followers might try and find him. If anyone else even knows about him.” He smiled at Cara. “And I’d like to meet him. After all, I am his uncle.”
Cara rolled her eyes and snorted. “Perhaps you shouldn’t mention that. There are more than enough family revelations to scar him already.”
Richard chuckled gamely.
“Cara…” I hesitated. “You don’t want to see him yourself?” I asked carefully.
“No,” she replied immediately. Then she softened, looking much more unsure. “Now now. There will be time for that later. For now, I will accompany you to Aydindril.”
“But that could wait. If you wanted, we could go to Stowcroft, too.” Cara and Richard traded looks, as if this was completely expected of me. And as soon as I said it, I knew how unfair that would be. Despite this teasing, I knew this was uncomfortable and awkward for both of them.
“No, “Cara replied firmly. “For very many reasons, you need to go to Aydindril.” A smile flickered on her lips. “And I go where the Mother Confessor goes.”
I pulled a face at her, and smiled back. I desperately wanted to change Cara’s mind about her son. But I knew that would take time. The news that he was alive was still too fresh and raw. I couldn’t and wouldn’t rush her. For now, it was enough to ensure that he remained safe. And I knew Richard, the Seeker, would do that.
We fell into a companionable silence as we continued to bear witness to Shota’s leaving. Cara, Dahlia, Zedd, Richard and I had somehow managed to grasp onto a fragile and delicate peace between us, and it seemed all the more precious as we watched all trace of this powerful, formidable woman carried away on the indifferent wind.
Cara sidled up next to me and brushed her hand against the back of mine. I grabbed it and clasped it firmly in mine, my eyes filling again.
It’s rarely so obvious when life’s path has forked before you, with hard choices so plainly marked. Change often sneaks up on us, bit by bit instead. But the lives of my friends, my family, standing around me were clearly altered from this point forward. And we all knew it in that moment.
I had no idea what lay ahead for any of us. But Cara’s warm palm resting against mine felt as fated as anything that would ever happen to me in my life.
THE END.
AUTHOR’S NOTES:
Thanks to everyone who stuck it out with me over this long haul. Thanks especially everyone who took the time to comment (aka feeding the writer!).
I know there are some smaller plot points still left dangling. But like life, nothing is ever completely tied up. I may or may not revisit this AU again. So just think of it as my own Season Finale! :)
I also have ideas for unrelated one-shots and MUCH shorter fics in mind. After a breather, I hope to have some more fun playing in the LotS playground again.
PS I thought it somehow fitting to end with Shota on the pyre. Ephiny had a similar ending, and it was one of my favorite scenes in Xena!