One gigantic fuck up
I've got this really bad feeling that I've lost a friend.
Maybe I'm wrong, but my instincts are telling me otherwise.
Its not the first time I've lost a friend - usually its by attrition; you know, you just drift apart and that's that. But this is the first time I can think of where I think someone has shut me off because of what I have done.
Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little. But then again I have heard zero from him for, well, ever since I left after visiting him in Scotland, and that was like April the 12th or something. Seven weeks ago in other words.
The story goes a little something like this. There are two guys I know in the UK - one is now 20 and studying in Scotland, the other 24 and working in London. Both are named Ben - so I'll call them 20 and 24, not that it makes it any easier or anything. 20 actually introduced me to 24 (it was all online, might seem dodgy, but well, we all turned out to be sane people so its all good). 24 and I got quite close, met for a holiday two and a bit years ago, got closer, then when that ended we drifted apart. He got a boyfriend in the UK and that was the end of that as far as I was concerned. We kept in contact and stayed friends, but not as much as before. 20 and I kept in contact, and well, cybered a fair bit, you know, as you do when you're online and horny (well I do anyway...). We did chat about normal stuff too however, in case you are wondering.
Then I finally decide to go to Europe for a holiday, visit friends, including 24, and go to Scotland and meet 20 face to face for the first time. My basic expectation was that we were gonna have sex, because well, he pretty much straight out said he wanted to (20 that is). Anyhoo, when I get to London 24 decides that he still has feelings for me, and well, to be honest, I'd been harbouring those feelings for him too. All is well and good, but I'm freaking out a bit because 20 isn't aware of this - as in he isn't aware that there was anything at all, ever, going on between me and 24. 24 and I kept it to ourselves. Anyway, I went up to Scotland to meet 20, and told 24 that if 20 and I ended up all over each other, then he'd better be okay with it (and for the record he was).
I arrived at 20's and I think it was about 2 hours before we, well, started fooling around. And we did it some more over the 4 or so days I was there. Then on the day I left I told him about me and 24. He didn't say anything at the time, well actually he said he was a little surprised cause he would never have seen it happening, but he didn't act pissed off or anything. But as I said before, I haven't heard a thing from him in 7 weeks now. I felt about 2 feet tall when I was telling him, and I had a lump in my throat the size of a bowling ball in my throat as I did. I was chattin to a friend of his online today who said he had run into 20, who had mentioned me and 24 to him - I asked if he had said anything else - no was the answer. I sorta explained the situation and he told me that he was probably a bit pissed, cause he has a "bit of a soft spot" for me...
Right now, I just worry that he hates me. And when I read that above it seems like he has good reason. But before I thought that he hates me, after his non-reaction to me telling him about 24, I had all sorts of weird thoughts and feelings. Like in the week after I left Scotland, I missed him. I think I went there expecting a young, goofy guy, a bit insecure, and maybe a bit daft, but I was confronted with something totally the opposite (apart from the youth factor), and shit, I think I found myself attracted to him, and I was completely unprepared for it. He's witty, intelligent, has a great sense of humour, is more mature than I could have imagined, and the fact he has a killer smile, is utterly sexy and has an accent that makes you melt doesn't hurt either. I even spent time wondering how the hell it would possibly work (answer: move to Edinburgh to work and commute to Dundee on the weekends). I couldn't tell him that though. Apart from 24 hanging in the background, I just honestly didn't think for a minute that 20 would feel that way about me, and I was worried that if I did say it to him, that it would totally freak him out. Maybe I was wrong.
Getting that out feels better... But I'm still no closer to a solution. I wanna talk to him, but unanswered phone calls and unreplied to emails don't help the situation...
Maybe I'm wrong, but my instincts are telling me otherwise.
Its not the first time I've lost a friend - usually its by attrition; you know, you just drift apart and that's that. But this is the first time I can think of where I think someone has shut me off because of what I have done.
Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little. But then again I have heard zero from him for, well, ever since I left after visiting him in Scotland, and that was like April the 12th or something. Seven weeks ago in other words.
The story goes a little something like this. There are two guys I know in the UK - one is now 20 and studying in Scotland, the other 24 and working in London. Both are named Ben - so I'll call them 20 and 24, not that it makes it any easier or anything. 20 actually introduced me to 24 (it was all online, might seem dodgy, but well, we all turned out to be sane people so its all good). 24 and I got quite close, met for a holiday two and a bit years ago, got closer, then when that ended we drifted apart. He got a boyfriend in the UK and that was the end of that as far as I was concerned. We kept in contact and stayed friends, but not as much as before. 20 and I kept in contact, and well, cybered a fair bit, you know, as you do when you're online and horny (well I do anyway...). We did chat about normal stuff too however, in case you are wondering.
Then I finally decide to go to Europe for a holiday, visit friends, including 24, and go to Scotland and meet 20 face to face for the first time. My basic expectation was that we were gonna have sex, because well, he pretty much straight out said he wanted to (20 that is). Anyhoo, when I get to London 24 decides that he still has feelings for me, and well, to be honest, I'd been harbouring those feelings for him too. All is well and good, but I'm freaking out a bit because 20 isn't aware of this - as in he isn't aware that there was anything at all, ever, going on between me and 24. 24 and I kept it to ourselves. Anyway, I went up to Scotland to meet 20, and told 24 that if 20 and I ended up all over each other, then he'd better be okay with it (and for the record he was).
I arrived at 20's and I think it was about 2 hours before we, well, started fooling around. And we did it some more over the 4 or so days I was there. Then on the day I left I told him about me and 24. He didn't say anything at the time, well actually he said he was a little surprised cause he would never have seen it happening, but he didn't act pissed off or anything. But as I said before, I haven't heard a thing from him in 7 weeks now. I felt about 2 feet tall when I was telling him, and I had a lump in my throat the size of a bowling ball in my throat as I did. I was chattin to a friend of his online today who said he had run into 20, who had mentioned me and 24 to him - I asked if he had said anything else - no was the answer. I sorta explained the situation and he told me that he was probably a bit pissed, cause he has a "bit of a soft spot" for me...
Right now, I just worry that he hates me. And when I read that above it seems like he has good reason. But before I thought that he hates me, after his non-reaction to me telling him about 24, I had all sorts of weird thoughts and feelings. Like in the week after I left Scotland, I missed him. I think I went there expecting a young, goofy guy, a bit insecure, and maybe a bit daft, but I was confronted with something totally the opposite (apart from the youth factor), and shit, I think I found myself attracted to him, and I was completely unprepared for it. He's witty, intelligent, has a great sense of humour, is more mature than I could have imagined, and the fact he has a killer smile, is utterly sexy and has an accent that makes you melt doesn't hurt either. I even spent time wondering how the hell it would possibly work (answer: move to Edinburgh to work and commute to Dundee on the weekends). I couldn't tell him that though. Apart from 24 hanging in the background, I just honestly didn't think for a minute that 20 would feel that way about me, and I was worried that if I did say it to him, that it would totally freak him out. Maybe I was wrong.
Getting that out feels better... But I'm still no closer to a solution. I wanna talk to him, but unanswered phone calls and unreplied to emails don't help the situation...