I am so glad you're doing well. I was driving past your neighborhood for the first time since I lived there. I was going to stop by but it was like 3pm on the 11th. I thought you'd said the 11th was when you were having stuff done, so I figured it was a bad time.
And I don't know your work schedule anyway. But I would like to see you some time.
I get home from work, Monday through Friday at 6PM. I'm always home, you know that...especially now.
I'm not doing well, actually. My health is better. I'm healthier. I'm still miserable, listless and rudderless. I just want to be with a woman and love her. I just want a relationship. I want someone to really know who I am and to really know who they are.
I feel like the half of a whole. Sometimes, I feel like a half. I have to shake that idea out of my head for quality of life reasons.
Then again.....I used to wish I had cancer, until the possibility became more real. Maybe I don't even know myself anymore? Maybe I just need someone else to know me so they can tell me who I am?
I completely understand the want a woman thing. I sometimes really beat the shit out of myself. I couldn't stop feeling like something was missing without a partner. And at the same time I was SO MAD at myself for feeling like that
( ... )
But dude, you don't know if this girl is the one. It feels great right now, just like it has before. There is NO CERTAINTY. It's completely fucked....people get divorced in their 70s. I'm sorry, I just don't have the faith in humanity that there is someone who will dedicate themselves to me for the long haul. And even if it felt like it, I'd feel like either she or I would be settling, that the relationship wasn't the passionate, romantic love explosion that it should be, but that we finally just got too tired of being lonely and settled with what was available
( ... )
two punk rock kids on bench 1st kid "nobody likes me" 2nd kid " i like you" 1st kid "nobody GOOD likes me"
I don't know how to tell you to find the thing that will make you happy. i am learning, slowly and with great difficulty how to be happy and love someone and not lose myself and not crush them and just be, but it isnot easy and i get it wrong all the time.
Go out and talk to people. you always forget that you are good at it and that you enjoy it, that's all i can say. glad you are healthy physically. seems like a good time to start working on the rest.
And I love you, Jake. And I do enjoy talking. You know it dawned on me today, that my distain for large, public places, isn't a social disorder at all; I am just uncomfortable with the roar of many people having their conversations all at once. I love people. I'm not anti-social.
The thing that makes you happy is nothing and everything. We can but bend to it's will, and we fool ourselves in our struggles. You can't stop a broken heart anymore than you can stop at just one pringle. You know you can't stop once you pop.
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And I don't know your work schedule anyway. But I would like to see you some time.
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I'm not doing well, actually. My health is better. I'm healthier. I'm still miserable, listless and rudderless. I just want to be with a woman and love her. I just want a relationship. I want someone to really know who I am and to really know who they are.
I feel like the half of a whole. Sometimes, I feel like a half. I have to shake that idea out of my head for quality of life reasons.
Then again.....I used to wish I had cancer, until the possibility became more real. Maybe I don't even know myself anymore? Maybe I just need someone else to know me so they can tell me who I am?
I shouldn't think right now.
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1st kid "nobody likes me"
2nd kid " i like you"
1st kid "nobody GOOD likes me"
I don't know how to tell you to find the thing that will make you happy. i am learning, slowly and with great difficulty how to be happy and love someone and not lose myself and not crush them and just be, but it isnot easy and i get it wrong all the time.
Go out and talk to people. you always forget that you are good at it and that you enjoy it, that's all i can say. glad you are healthy physically. seems like a good time to start working on the rest.
I like you.
Reply
The thing that makes you happy is nothing and everything. We can but bend to it's will, and we fool ourselves in our struggles. You can't stop a broken heart anymore than you can stop at just one pringle. You know you can't stop once you pop.
I have a cat, and I am thankful.
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suggested title for new album
"sore butt and a broken heart"
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