[FIC] Never Again part 9
Title: Never Again
Parts: 9/?
Rating: PG-13, AU
Pairing: Jaechun (friendship), Hints of Yoosu, Eventual Jaeho.
Disclaimers and warnings: I don’t own TVXQ. Character death.
Chapter: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Junsu woke to the sound of distant piano keys; muffled, as if behind paper screens or from the ear of the telephone. He would get all the way to the living room, smiling, ready to receive Yoochun’s often very late phone calls…
‘I couldn’t sleep. Can I play you something?’
Before he remembered Yoochun was gone.
“Junsu?”
Junsu snapped out of his daze and turned toward Jaejoong. He grimaced a little at the worried crease in between his friend’s eyebrows.
“You alright? I called you several times.”
“Yeah,” he replied, not quite meeting Jaejoong’s eyes. Junsu turned away and returned his attention to the dish he held in his hand.
“I’m just a little tired.” He confessed.
Jaejoong laid a hand on his shoulder; a welcome weight. “Maybe you shouldn’t have returned to work so early. This is your first break in weeks.”
Junsu shrugged and set the plate on the drying rack.
Almost four months had passed since Yoochun...
During which he had spent awake and working so that he had something to do with the time. Almost four months of looking down at his hands and at Jaejoong and expecting to see right through them. (Because it felt like he and Jaejoong faded a little more after every new day separated them from the last day Yoochun had lived).
Almost four months of piano notes in his ears, of distant laughter like ocean spray, and of feeling a chill every time a breeze blew through the hole in his chest, because Yoochun took something with him that Junsu may have needed.
He longed for normality, but had come to accept that such a thought was more foolish than picking up the telephone at night and expecting Yoochun to be on the other end.
“The show must go on, Jaejoong-hyung,” Junsu finally replied with another dismissive shrug at Jaejoong’s expectant silence. He squeezed the sponge in mild frustration as he hadn’t meant to sound so defeated.
For a second, Jaejoong didn’t say anything, and then he wound his arm around Junsu’s waist and pulled Junsu into an embrace. Junsu dropped the sponge and held Jaejoong in return. His hand left wet finger-trails on Jaejoong’s shirt and skin. Tiny bubbly beads soaked into Jaejoong’s dark hair and ran down the nape of his neck. Junsu squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply.
Jaejoong felt like Yoochun in his arms. As if all those years spent together had engraved Yoochun onto him.
“Just don’t work that hard, alright?” Jaejoong asked against Junsu’s shoulder. “Because you know, not even all the make-up in the world could cover up that much exhaustion.”
Junsu chuckled softly and he felt Jaejoong smile. “I know. Thanks for worrying.”
Jaejoong pulled away from the hug and smacked Junsu’s shoulder. “Don’t give me that shit. Just do as I tell you!”
Junsu laughed and nodded in defeat. He would agree to anything Jaejoong asked of him with that smile, especially to the strained ones.
“Now finish the dishes so you can shower and go to bed.” Jaejoong said, using his chin to point at the dishes in front of Junsu.
At this, Junsu protested, “No, Jaejoong-hyung, it’s okay. I’m not that tired, I can still drive home.”
But it seems Jaejoong hadn't heard him, or had ignored him altogether. Junsu watched his friend cross into the living room to take his usual seat. Jaejoong turned on the television and started to flip through channels. Bright light splashed against his profile as he sat back to watch the moving figures in the box and the sound of recorded laughter soon filled the room.
Junsu lowered his eyes and returned to his task. He wondered if he also held such a lonely silhouette when he was alone in his own living room late at night.
There had been a time when Yoochun and Jaejoong had asked him to move in with them. Plenty of times, in fact. They asked every time Junsu had to return home well past midnight or when they thought he wasn’t eating right and should have someone to cook for him when he was too tired to take care of himself. But he simply laughed the offers off and promised he would eventually. But he never did and had long since given up on wondering why. And now it was different. He wouldn’t be able to live here if he was asked just once more.
Junsu washed the suds off several spoons. Here, the sound of piano keys would be deafening.
“…And cut!” The director yelled. “We’ll take a break and then move onto the next scene. Good work!”
Junsu released himself from his role as he exhaled deeply. He rolled his shoulders and winced at the rock of fatigue that had settled there. As he removed his coat, an assistant was immediately by his side to take it and to hand him something warm to drink for his throat. Fighting a cough, he nodded to the list she read him (messages, notes and appointments) as they walked away from the set. He confirmed a few of them and told her to take a break too just before he detached himself from the crowd. A short walk away from the site offered him a vacant clearing and a bench under a shady tree. He walked toward it and breathed in the silence.
It was still early in the day and yet he already felt exhaustion gripping at his ankles as if he’d been carrying weights across sand all morning. He examined the weathered seat and finally succumbed to the pull of gravity. As his eyes surveyed the quiet scenery he picked at the bench’s peeling paint and let his mind wander.
His thoughts came back to this morning, as well as the other times he had invited Jaejoong to visit him at work. At how Jaejoong had always refused his offer and Junsu was always left to think that maybe it was too soon for his friend. He hadn’t asked again, but he still wished Jaejoong would agree one of these days. So that it would be just like old times, when they would visit each other at work whenever their schedules allowed it. And then Junsu thought, as he looked back at the movie set, that Jaejoong, just like him, would appreciate a place that was filled with Yoochun. Yoochun had loved acting and he had loved to entertain. He found Yoochun here. And so would Jaejoong if he gave it a chance.
But to his surprise, Jaejoong had shied away from the idea of work, from the sight of cameras and giant lights. He simply shook his head and refused the scripts that had piled up and the interviews the public had wanted to see.
Junsu looked to the distance where trailers were parked, felt the thick make-up on his face and slid his hand across the crisp fabric of his costume.
Lately, it had been difficult to understand Jaejoong.
Junsu sighed. If only Jaejoong would come. Yoochun was waiting for him here.
The shrill sound of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts. He reached into his pocket and smiled when he saw the caller’s name across the tiny screen.
“Jaejoong-hyung! Perfect! I was just thinking about-Lunch? No, I think I’ll be here all afternoon. Yeah, dinner may be doable. Okay, I’ll see you then. But I was just thinking-alright, later then. ‘Bye.”
He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a long time.
“Dinner with friends?” Curiosity knitted his eyebrows.
He wondered which friends Jaejoong had referred to, as Jaejoong barely spoke to anyone anymore. Always avoiding phone calls and keeping conversations short with those lucky enough to catch a minute with him.
“Kim Junsu-sshi, it’s time!” His assistant waved as she rushed forward.
He acknowledged her call and filed away his thoughts for later. He pulled at his unzipped persona and slipped it back on easily as his feet returned him to the set and back to Yoochun.
The bookstore had always been his refuge in between work and whatever lay beyond after work. Here, under the protection of his baseball cap, he can peruse the aisles freely and run his fingers across titles he had yet to read without being bothered.
Junsu crouched down and grabbed a book from a shelf.
Today, Yoochun would not be able to meet him here. However, that was alright, because this place was also filled with Yoochun.
But despite that solemn acceptance, the blanket of sadness that had been hovering above him for awhile now easily settled itself around his shoulders. Filming had left him tired and empty and he just didn’t have enough energy to shake the feeling off. He turned and sat against the bookshelf, disturbing it a little, and with his legs stretched in front of him, he closed his eyes and allowed sleep to hold him.
“Excuse me,” Someone was shaking him. “Umm, hello?”
Groggily, Junsu opened his eyes. He was disoriented for a moment and could not remember where he was. He looked around and saw shelved books, well-trodden carpet and the guy who had shaken him awake.
“Sorry, to have disturbed you, but I really need that book.” The guy pointed to the shelves he rested his back on.
“Oh! Sorry!” he was awake now and he immediately scooted out of the way.
“Well, I don’t really need it, need it.” The guy grinned, it was an open expression. “I just thought it would be nice to have something to read while I waited.”
“Oh.” Junsu stared as the guy flipped through the book. If that had been his only reason, then why did it have to be the book he happened to be sleeping against?
“This is the last book of a series, you know? I can’t believe I’ve completely forgotten about it.”
Junsu nodded vaguely as he checked his watch to see how long he had been sleeping. It had barely been ten minutes and yet it felt like hours had passed.
“Have you read it?”
“Huh?” he turned back to the guy crouching before him and then looked at the book he carried. The cover appeared familiar and with a sinking feeling, he realized why. It was the same book that was left dog-eared and unopened on top of Jaejoong and Yoochun’s table in their apartment. It was one of the books Yoochun had yet to…would never finish.
“No,” he said softly, “but a friend of mine has it.”
“Hmmm.” The stranger flipped through the book again. “Did your friend finish it yet? I’m hoping for a happy ending.”
Junsu shook his head automatically, not knowing why he was still there, talking to a complete stranger. But he didn’t get up to leave. Instead, he got another copy from behind him and held the book reverently, dearly.
“I don’t know how it ends.” He admitted. Yoochun had told him about the story once. Over two cups of hot chocolate and with the warmth of studio lights against their backs.
‘…so at the end he couldn’t find the other guy but figured he was alright ‘cuz he could take care of himself. And he had his own journey to finish, right? I mean if he doesn’t find that healer soon--’
‘so wait,’ Junsu interrupted Yoochun, which the other took as an opportunity to steal some whipped-cream off Junsu's cup. ‘-hey!’ he held his drink against him protectively to prevent anymore whipped-cream stealing. ‘Okay, so he doesn’t even know if his friend’s alright or not?’
‘Well, technically, they’re not really friends yet, but you know they care about the other…well, eventually they’ll be friends. But yeah, I think he trusts the other guy not to die on him, I mean, he still owed him a new sword after he lost it saving him from that dragon and all…’
“What happened to his friend?” Junsu suddenly found himself asking the stranger. It felt…it seemed important to know.
“His friend?” The other guy tilted his head to the side.
“Um,” Junsu gestured his hand about, suddenly excited. “the guy he saved from the dragon.”
“Oh! Hmmm…I figured they would meet again.” The guy flipped through the book. “Yeah…” And then he looked at Junsu, not quite meeting his eyes because of the baseball cap, but his gaze seemed penetrating enough.
“Why don’t you read it?”
Junsu shook his head slowly. “No, I…”
“Why not?”
“Because…” Yoochun was supposed to tell me what happened next, he thought.
And then, “Yeah, maybe I will.” He said decisively as he looked down at the book in his hands.
“Changminah! Where are you? We have to go!” At the call, the other stood suddenly and waved to someone Junsu couldn’t see.
“I’ve got to go. Um, read it! It’s really good.” He recommended, holding up the book as he briskly walked away.
Junsu lowered his hand from a wave cut short and looked behind him for the other books belonging to the series. He would read these first and then maybe, if he could will himself to do it, he could read the rest of the last book to Yoochun. From exactly where he had left of.
‘You know what I think?’ Yoochun had said out of the blue a couple of days afterwards, ‘I think that guy he saved is the healer, and the healer doesn’t know the main character is the one his village needed.’
‘How’d you figure that?’ He had asked, moving his face forward as Yoochun brushed some whipped-cream off his chin.
Yoochun smiled knowingly, ‘Because…’
“That’s how happy endings go.” Junsu quoted and smiled tenderly.
To his surprise…
“Shim Changmin, nice to finally meet you.”
Junsu met the stranger (he had spoken to at the bookstore) again. He shook the stranger’s, Changmin’s hand and wondered whether Changmin had known it wasn’t their first meeting. But before he could ask, Jaejoong had pointed to the guy beside Changmin and introduced him.
“This is Jung Yunho-sshi,”
“Nice to meet you, Kim Junsu-sshi.” He held out his hand to Junsu.
Yunho’s grip was firm and Junsu tried not to look as lost as he felt.
They were ushered to a table Jaejoong had booked ahead of time. As they passed several tables, gazes fell upon them, surely recognizing who they were. Walking across the length of the dimly lit room, an archway led them to a more open space. Their table was outside, a little secluded from the rest of the restaurant and overlooked a scene of the brightly lit urban night. A tiny breeze played with the flames of the candles in the middle of their table and the light reflected off the glass of their drinks and the silver of their spoons. It felt intimate.
Junsu sat between Jaejoong and Yunho, and Changmin (resting the napkin on his lap) sat in front of him.
“I’m glad you guys could make it.” Jaejoong said looking like he meant it.
“We almost didn’t. I’ve forgotten how busy the city could be.” Yunho replied beside him.
Jaejoong chuckled, “Yeah, really different isn’t it? I kinda miss the silence of the apartments.”
Yunho smiled, the candlelight making it seem that much softer.
Junsu looked from Jaejoong to Yunho, a question at the tip of his tongue, but felt like it was almost rude to interrupt. Something about Jaejoong’s easy manner was setting something off inside of Junsu. Like an ugly-simmering.
“We met Jaejoong-sshi at Yunho-hyung’s apartments. Well his parents owned them, but he was acting landlord at the time.” Changmin’s crisp voice broke past Yunho and Jaejoong’s chatter and was clearly directed at him.
He met Changmin’s gaze, understanding and sharp, as a tiny smile played at the young man’s lips.
“Oh.” He wanted to ask more, but didn’t quite know where to start.
“Ah, sorry Junsuyah,” Jaejoong’s hand squeezed his momentarily. “I was just excited to see them again. I met them when…” And at this, Jaejoong seemed to fail a little at his next words. His eyes looked to the side as if he could find the appropriate words there.
“Around four months ago.” Jaejoong finally said as a way of explanation.
Junsu was doing that nodding thing again. Like he didn’t understand, but was just reacting. Four months ago was when…
Junsu’s gaze found the flickering candle light, in danger of being snuffed out by every lick of the passing breeze.
“Oh.” Again.
Jaejoong found his hand for a second time. Junsu almost pulled away, but caught himself and interlaced his fingers with Jaejoong’s instead. He gave a reassuring squeeze (“I’m okay”) before letting go.
Thankfully someone came to ask if they had decided what they would like and the next few minutes were filled with discussions of what was good and what they would recommend and a bit of Jaejoong encouraging Changmin to order as much as he wanted. Junsu hoped he wasn’t gaping that much by the time Changmin had finished ordering.
When they were alone once again, Changmin tactfully found a subject that seemed safe enough. He told them about the school he would be attending in the city and how he would be staying with Yunho for a bit while he looked for a place of his own.
“Yunho-sshi, you had a place here?” Jaejoong asked as his hair swayed with the passing breeze. Junsu felt as if it wasn’t just the candlelight that caused Jaejoong’s eyes to shine that brightly.
Yunho nodded. “I lived here before my parents asked me to look over the apartments. I almost let it go when I realized it wasn’t just for a month or two that I would be acting as landlord.”
Junsu watched Jaejoong carefully now. It’s been awhile since he’d seen him this animated. “Ah! So you’re living around here again?”
“Eh? Yunho-hyung, did you forget to tell him?”
“I guess I did.” Yunho grinned.
“That’s great!” Jaejoong sat back smiling, as if it was the best news he’d heard in a long time.
Their food came shortly after and in between bites, a lighthearted conversation filled their table. Changmin had immediately pounced on the opportunity to ask Junsu about his latest movie and told him how much he looked forward to it. They discussed a few facts, with Junsu trying not to give as many details away and Changmin and his excited eyes making it very difficult. Beside him, Jaejoong and Yunho talked about people Junsu didn’t know and once in a while joined into his and Changmin’s conversation. There were moments when Junsu felt out of place, but Yunho would rope him back in or Changmin would, and it was hard not to like them.
Jaejoong’s hand would often find his own or his arm or his shoulder. He wondered if it was to reassure him, to tell him he was part of this, or was it for Jaejoong’s own benefit, just like touching base; like an anchor.
At one point, Junsu looked at the scene as if he was outside it. He looked at the smile that kept afloat on Jaejoong’s face and wondered if he moved just a little out of reach so that Jaejoong would touch nothing when he held his hand out…he wondered if Jaejoong would float away. Junsu then turned to Changmin and lastly to Yunho and wondered how they had managed to put that smile there.
He couldn’t quite explain the sort of dark feeling that came over him whenever he saw their easy smiles, but it was getting more dark as time passed and as more smiles and laughter were exchanged.
“…We were almost late because Changmin had wanted to get a book on the way here,” Yunho was saying.
“Oh? Which one?” Jaejoong asked as he wiped his lips with a napkin.
Changmin reached behind him, inside a bag Junsu had only now noticed Changmin had.
“This one,” Changmin showed Jaejoong.
Junsu’s eyes widened and flicked sideways to Jaejoong’s face immediately. To his surprise (and perhaps disappointment), Jaejoong only chuckled softly as he reached for the book.
“Ah, this one. Is it good?”
Junsu frowned.
“Yeah, it is. I've read the other books and had forgotten this was supposed to come out months ago!” Changmin explained excitedly.
“Well, let me know if it’s good or not. I’ve been looking for something good to read.”
Gritting his teeth, Junsu stood abruptly and the contents of their table shook a little.
Yunho reached for a glass quickly, saving it from spilling as Jaejoong and Changmin looked up at Junsu curiously.
“Junsu?” Jaejoong asked concerned.
For a bit, Junsu moved his mouth to try to form words, but nothing came out. He bit his bottom lip and his hands balled into fists at his sides. “Jaejoong-hyung, you…” He tried, but couldn’t find what he really wanted to say. His throat hurt and the way his stomach was rolling suddenly made him wish he hadn’t eaten that much.
Jaejoong made a move to hold Junsu’s hand but Junsu drew away and excused himself. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He tried to smile, but knew he failed when Jaejoong’s frown grew deeper.
He entered the restaurant and found the nearest restroom. It was thankfully vacant and he quickly walked to the sink to splash his face with cold water.
When he felt less dizzy, he looked at his reflection and jumped a little when he found Jaejoong’s as well.
“What’s wrong?”
Junsu reached for a napkin to wipe the water off his face as an excuse not to meet Jaejoong’s gaze. “Nothing.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Junsu hissed, although he didn’t mean to.
Jaejoong’s face revealed nothing. “Avoid me.”
Despite the blossoming pain in his chest, Junsu forced himself to meet Jaejoong’s gaze.
That was Yoochun’s book, Junsu thought, Jaejoong was supposed to say Yoochun had the same book. “I’m not avoiding you.”
“Yes, you are. Don’t you think I’d know if--”
“You don’t know anything!” Junsu snapped, his voice reverberating against the tiled walls.
Jaejoong stepped back, his eyes a little wide with surprise. “Junsuyah…”
Junsu immediately regretted shouting. His head hurt, his body hurt, he was so tired. He pushed his frustrations away and stepped forward to hug Jaejoong fiercely that his elbows and Jaejoong’s back hit the wall. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “…sorry, just forget it. It’s been a long day and…just forget it. Please.”
He held on tighter and felt Jaejoong hold him too.
“’You sure that’s it?” Jaejoong asked tentatively.
“Yeah, I’m just tired.”
They returned to their table after Junsu had composed himself. The rest of the meal remained pleasant. He acted his part and it wasn’t that difficult as Yunho and Changmin were wonderful conversationalists. When it was time to part, he had realized he quite liked them and would be happy to see them again. And yet as he and Jaejoong watched them walk toward the parking lot, Junsu would not have minded if he never saw them again.
“Jaejoong-hyung, why don’t you watch the filming today? It's the best part of the story.”
Jaejoong reached into the cupboard for the pepper shaker and sprinkled some onto the eggs simmering in the pan.
“Can’t today.” He answered distractedly.
“You busy?” Junsu coughed. His eyes skimmed over the newspaper laid out in front of him. “You don’t have to stay for the entire thing, just drop by. Some people miss you.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Really? But you should see the set, it’s enormous! It’s by the same crew you worked with in--”
“I’d rather not hear about it, Junsu,” Jaejoong moved around the kitchen. He tended to the eggs and then to the toast, as well as the brewing coffee. “How much sugar do you put in yours again?”
“Two.” Junsu paused before asking, “Why not? Don’t you miss it? Another script came for you. I looked at it and it sounds good. Why don’t you give that one a try…”
Jaejoong turned quickly and managed to spill some of the coffee he held in his hands onto his shirt. “Shit.” He put the cups down and sighed heavily.
“Junsu, look, I’m just…Just drop it, okay?”
“Jaejoong-hyung,”
“Drop it.” Jaejoong’s grave tone made Junsu hold back the next thing he was going to say.
With a frustrated huff, Jaejoong left the kitchen, “I’m gonna change. Your breakfast is ready. Eat.” And Junsu was left alone.
He left his seat and got his breakfast, and also mopped up some of the coffee that had spilled on the floor. The food was good, but felt dry in his mouth. He didn’t like that he couldn’t get through to Jaejoong, that Jaejoong wouldn’t even allow him.
“What’s he so busy with that he can’t even visit me at work?” He directed his question to the empty plate placed at the spot Yoochun usually occupied and that made him feel worse.
As he took a sip of coffee, the phone rang. He looked in the direction of the bedroom, but it seemed Jaejoong was still changing. After the second ring he got up and answered it.
“Hello?”
“Jaejoong-shii?” The caller asked.
“No, he’s…” Junsu looked at the archway leading to the bedrooms. “busy. May I know who’s calling?”
“Oh, I’ll just call back later then. This is Jung Yunho.”
Junsu’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll tell him you called.”
“Oh, alright. Thank you--” Junsu hung up the phone. He stared at it, he could still hear Yunho’s pleasant voice floating in the air. It sounded like sunny days and grass swaying in the breeze. He didn’t like it. Faster than he could think, his fingers found the caller’s list and he had deleted the number. The blue light blinked back to dark and the number of callers was reduced.
“What are you doing?”
Junsu turned, his heart jumping at his throat at the little scare. “Nothing,” he stammered.
Jaejoong stood in half-light, making his expression unreadable.
Junsu gripped the phone by his side and realizing too late that he looked guilty trying to hide it, he placed it back in its cradle and tried to walk past Jaejoong, who hadn’t moved yet.
“Junsuyah,” Jaejoong caught his arm as he walked past and Junsu’s stomach churned with guilt. He was a little dazed, a little angry, but he was mostly a lot confused.
“Who called?” Jaejoong turned him so that they faced each other and it felt worse to look at such a soft expression. Jaejoong knew who called and he knew what Junsu had done. He had watched and now he’s asking Junsu to explain why he had done it.
“I don’t know.” Junsu swallowed, and it hurt to swallow a lie; it was sharp and it burned.
The hold Jaejoong had on his arm loosened and then let go, leaving a disappointed bruise only Junsu could feel.
The silence that followed was palpable. He didn’t like it. There had been a lot of things lately that he didn't like.
“Finish your breakfast and don’t be late for work.” Jaejoong moved past him and started to clear the living room. There wasn’t much to clear, so he just sat there and looked out the window.
Junsu didn’t move from his place at the threshold between the dining room and the living room. He could see Jaejoong’s silent reflection off the mirror on the wall, and also the undisturbed book on the table in front of him.
Breathing deeply, he asked what he had wanted to ask ever since that dinner with Jaejoong’s new friends.
“Why didn’t you say Yoochun-hyung had the same book?”
Jaejoong glanced back at him and then at the book on the table, knowing exactly what Junsu was talking about.
“It wasn’t necessary.”
At those words, the anger he felt that night returned, (releasing him from the frozen state Jaejoong’s disappointment had left him in) as well as the frustration and confusion that had been building up ever since Jaejoong’s return. He turned swiftly and faced Jaejoong.
“Why? Because talking about Yoochun-hyung might ruin the occasion?”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened and his mouth opened in wordless inquiry.
“Because you don’t want to be reminded of Yoochun-hyung anymore, right? That’s why you won’t visit me at work, that’s why you refuse to film anymore, right!?” He was shouting. “Because you’d rather leave again and be with those people that make you happy! That Jung Yunho. He makes you smile right? You were smiling so much. You looked so happy. It’s better isn’t it? To be happy and not be sad all the time and cry at every little thing that reminds you of Yoochun-hyung!?”
“Junsuyah--” Jaejoong stood slowly, but didn’t approach him. It looked like he couldn’t say anything else past Junsu’s name.
“Maybe I should stop visiting too. Maybe I’m making you sad.” A tear slid down Junsu’s cheek, he didn’t know what he was saying anymore. He didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Maybe I should have gone with him--”
The dull shine of metal and the smell of rain on asphalt.
‘Junsu let go!’
Yoochun’s slippery fingers.
‘No, just hang on, please! Yoochun-hyung--’
Bending metal and snapping cables.
‘Junsuyah.’ Eyelashes wet with rain. ‘Let go, Junsuyah.’
‘No--’
Yoochun’s slippery fingers.
Junsu backed into the dinner table, his knees buckled under him and he sank to the floor. The hand that had gripped the table’s surface scattered the newspaper all over the place.
Jaejoong ran to him and held Junsu’s face in his hands. He was talking to Junsu, but Junsu couldn’t hear what was being said. His body was hot. All he could hear were piano keys…
‘Can I play you something?’
And feel phantom fingers on his arms letting go, slick with rain.
His eyes dropped to the scattered newspaper on the floor, a picture of Yoochun on the page he had been reading, and all he could think was how nice it would be if the article had ended with, ‘but he was just having a bad dream. Really he’s okay.’
~TBC
Thank you for reading.
Parts: 9/?
Rating: PG-13, AU
Pairing: Jaechun (friendship), Hints of Yoosu, Eventual Jaeho.
Disclaimers and warnings: I don’t own TVXQ. Character death.
Chapter: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Junsu woke to the sound of distant piano keys; muffled, as if behind paper screens or from the ear of the telephone. He would get all the way to the living room, smiling, ready to receive Yoochun’s often very late phone calls…
‘I couldn’t sleep. Can I play you something?’
Before he remembered Yoochun was gone.
“Junsu?”
Junsu snapped out of his daze and turned toward Jaejoong. He grimaced a little at the worried crease in between his friend’s eyebrows.
“You alright? I called you several times.”
“Yeah,” he replied, not quite meeting Jaejoong’s eyes. Junsu turned away and returned his attention to the dish he held in his hand.
“I’m just a little tired.” He confessed.
Jaejoong laid a hand on his shoulder; a welcome weight. “Maybe you shouldn’t have returned to work so early. This is your first break in weeks.”
Junsu shrugged and set the plate on the drying rack.
Almost four months had passed since Yoochun...
During which he had spent awake and working so that he had something to do with the time. Almost four months of looking down at his hands and at Jaejoong and expecting to see right through them. (Because it felt like he and Jaejoong faded a little more after every new day separated them from the last day Yoochun had lived).
Almost four months of piano notes in his ears, of distant laughter like ocean spray, and of feeling a chill every time a breeze blew through the hole in his chest, because Yoochun took something with him that Junsu may have needed.
He longed for normality, but had come to accept that such a thought was more foolish than picking up the telephone at night and expecting Yoochun to be on the other end.
“The show must go on, Jaejoong-hyung,” Junsu finally replied with another dismissive shrug at Jaejoong’s expectant silence. He squeezed the sponge in mild frustration as he hadn’t meant to sound so defeated.
For a second, Jaejoong didn’t say anything, and then he wound his arm around Junsu’s waist and pulled Junsu into an embrace. Junsu dropped the sponge and held Jaejoong in return. His hand left wet finger-trails on Jaejoong’s shirt and skin. Tiny bubbly beads soaked into Jaejoong’s dark hair and ran down the nape of his neck. Junsu squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply.
Jaejoong felt like Yoochun in his arms. As if all those years spent together had engraved Yoochun onto him.
“Just don’t work that hard, alright?” Jaejoong asked against Junsu’s shoulder. “Because you know, not even all the make-up in the world could cover up that much exhaustion.”
Junsu chuckled softly and he felt Jaejoong smile. “I know. Thanks for worrying.”
Jaejoong pulled away from the hug and smacked Junsu’s shoulder. “Don’t give me that shit. Just do as I tell you!”
Junsu laughed and nodded in defeat. He would agree to anything Jaejoong asked of him with that smile, especially to the strained ones.
“Now finish the dishes so you can shower and go to bed.” Jaejoong said, using his chin to point at the dishes in front of Junsu.
At this, Junsu protested, “No, Jaejoong-hyung, it’s okay. I’m not that tired, I can still drive home.”
But it seems Jaejoong hadn't heard him, or had ignored him altogether. Junsu watched his friend cross into the living room to take his usual seat. Jaejoong turned on the television and started to flip through channels. Bright light splashed against his profile as he sat back to watch the moving figures in the box and the sound of recorded laughter soon filled the room.
Junsu lowered his eyes and returned to his task. He wondered if he also held such a lonely silhouette when he was alone in his own living room late at night.
There had been a time when Yoochun and Jaejoong had asked him to move in with them. Plenty of times, in fact. They asked every time Junsu had to return home well past midnight or when they thought he wasn’t eating right and should have someone to cook for him when he was too tired to take care of himself. But he simply laughed the offers off and promised he would eventually. But he never did and had long since given up on wondering why. And now it was different. He wouldn’t be able to live here if he was asked just once more.
Junsu washed the suds off several spoons. Here, the sound of piano keys would be deafening.
“…And cut!” The director yelled. “We’ll take a break and then move onto the next scene. Good work!”
Junsu released himself from his role as he exhaled deeply. He rolled his shoulders and winced at the rock of fatigue that had settled there. As he removed his coat, an assistant was immediately by his side to take it and to hand him something warm to drink for his throat. Fighting a cough, he nodded to the list she read him (messages, notes and appointments) as they walked away from the set. He confirmed a few of them and told her to take a break too just before he detached himself from the crowd. A short walk away from the site offered him a vacant clearing and a bench under a shady tree. He walked toward it and breathed in the silence.
It was still early in the day and yet he already felt exhaustion gripping at his ankles as if he’d been carrying weights across sand all morning. He examined the weathered seat and finally succumbed to the pull of gravity. As his eyes surveyed the quiet scenery he picked at the bench’s peeling paint and let his mind wander.
His thoughts came back to this morning, as well as the other times he had invited Jaejoong to visit him at work. At how Jaejoong had always refused his offer and Junsu was always left to think that maybe it was too soon for his friend. He hadn’t asked again, but he still wished Jaejoong would agree one of these days. So that it would be just like old times, when they would visit each other at work whenever their schedules allowed it. And then Junsu thought, as he looked back at the movie set, that Jaejoong, just like him, would appreciate a place that was filled with Yoochun. Yoochun had loved acting and he had loved to entertain. He found Yoochun here. And so would Jaejoong if he gave it a chance.
But to his surprise, Jaejoong had shied away from the idea of work, from the sight of cameras and giant lights. He simply shook his head and refused the scripts that had piled up and the interviews the public had wanted to see.
Junsu looked to the distance where trailers were parked, felt the thick make-up on his face and slid his hand across the crisp fabric of his costume.
Lately, it had been difficult to understand Jaejoong.
Junsu sighed. If only Jaejoong would come. Yoochun was waiting for him here.
The shrill sound of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts. He reached into his pocket and smiled when he saw the caller’s name across the tiny screen.
“Jaejoong-hyung! Perfect! I was just thinking about-Lunch? No, I think I’ll be here all afternoon. Yeah, dinner may be doable. Okay, I’ll see you then. But I was just thinking-alright, later then. ‘Bye.”
He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a long time.
“Dinner with friends?” Curiosity knitted his eyebrows.
He wondered which friends Jaejoong had referred to, as Jaejoong barely spoke to anyone anymore. Always avoiding phone calls and keeping conversations short with those lucky enough to catch a minute with him.
“Kim Junsu-sshi, it’s time!” His assistant waved as she rushed forward.
He acknowledged her call and filed away his thoughts for later. He pulled at his unzipped persona and slipped it back on easily as his feet returned him to the set and back to Yoochun.
The bookstore had always been his refuge in between work and whatever lay beyond after work. Here, under the protection of his baseball cap, he can peruse the aisles freely and run his fingers across titles he had yet to read without being bothered.
Junsu crouched down and grabbed a book from a shelf.
Today, Yoochun would not be able to meet him here. However, that was alright, because this place was also filled with Yoochun.
But despite that solemn acceptance, the blanket of sadness that had been hovering above him for awhile now easily settled itself around his shoulders. Filming had left him tired and empty and he just didn’t have enough energy to shake the feeling off. He turned and sat against the bookshelf, disturbing it a little, and with his legs stretched in front of him, he closed his eyes and allowed sleep to hold him.
“Excuse me,” Someone was shaking him. “Umm, hello?”
Groggily, Junsu opened his eyes. He was disoriented for a moment and could not remember where he was. He looked around and saw shelved books, well-trodden carpet and the guy who had shaken him awake.
“Sorry, to have disturbed you, but I really need that book.” The guy pointed to the shelves he rested his back on.
“Oh! Sorry!” he was awake now and he immediately scooted out of the way.
“Well, I don’t really need it, need it.” The guy grinned, it was an open expression. “I just thought it would be nice to have something to read while I waited.”
“Oh.” Junsu stared as the guy flipped through the book. If that had been his only reason, then why did it have to be the book he happened to be sleeping against?
“This is the last book of a series, you know? I can’t believe I’ve completely forgotten about it.”
Junsu nodded vaguely as he checked his watch to see how long he had been sleeping. It had barely been ten minutes and yet it felt like hours had passed.
“Have you read it?”
“Huh?” he turned back to the guy crouching before him and then looked at the book he carried. The cover appeared familiar and with a sinking feeling, he realized why. It was the same book that was left dog-eared and unopened on top of Jaejoong and Yoochun’s table in their apartment. It was one of the books Yoochun had yet to…would never finish.
“No,” he said softly, “but a friend of mine has it.”
“Hmmm.” The stranger flipped through the book again. “Did your friend finish it yet? I’m hoping for a happy ending.”
Junsu shook his head automatically, not knowing why he was still there, talking to a complete stranger. But he didn’t get up to leave. Instead, he got another copy from behind him and held the book reverently, dearly.
“I don’t know how it ends.” He admitted. Yoochun had told him about the story once. Over two cups of hot chocolate and with the warmth of studio lights against their backs.
‘…so at the end he couldn’t find the other guy but figured he was alright ‘cuz he could take care of himself. And he had his own journey to finish, right? I mean if he doesn’t find that healer soon--’
‘so wait,’ Junsu interrupted Yoochun, which the other took as an opportunity to steal some whipped-cream off Junsu's cup. ‘-hey!’ he held his drink against him protectively to prevent anymore whipped-cream stealing. ‘Okay, so he doesn’t even know if his friend’s alright or not?’
‘Well, technically, they’re not really friends yet, but you know they care about the other…well, eventually they’ll be friends. But yeah, I think he trusts the other guy not to die on him, I mean, he still owed him a new sword after he lost it saving him from that dragon and all…’
“What happened to his friend?” Junsu suddenly found himself asking the stranger. It felt…it seemed important to know.
“His friend?” The other guy tilted his head to the side.
“Um,” Junsu gestured his hand about, suddenly excited. “the guy he saved from the dragon.”
“Oh! Hmmm…I figured they would meet again.” The guy flipped through the book. “Yeah…” And then he looked at Junsu, not quite meeting his eyes because of the baseball cap, but his gaze seemed penetrating enough.
“Why don’t you read it?”
Junsu shook his head slowly. “No, I…”
“Why not?”
“Because…” Yoochun was supposed to tell me what happened next, he thought.
And then, “Yeah, maybe I will.” He said decisively as he looked down at the book in his hands.
“Changminah! Where are you? We have to go!” At the call, the other stood suddenly and waved to someone Junsu couldn’t see.
“I’ve got to go. Um, read it! It’s really good.” He recommended, holding up the book as he briskly walked away.
Junsu lowered his hand from a wave cut short and looked behind him for the other books belonging to the series. He would read these first and then maybe, if he could will himself to do it, he could read the rest of the last book to Yoochun. From exactly where he had left of.
‘You know what I think?’ Yoochun had said out of the blue a couple of days afterwards, ‘I think that guy he saved is the healer, and the healer doesn’t know the main character is the one his village needed.’
‘How’d you figure that?’ He had asked, moving his face forward as Yoochun brushed some whipped-cream off his chin.
Yoochun smiled knowingly, ‘Because…’
“That’s how happy endings go.” Junsu quoted and smiled tenderly.
To his surprise…
“Shim Changmin, nice to finally meet you.”
Junsu met the stranger (he had spoken to at the bookstore) again. He shook the stranger’s, Changmin’s hand and wondered whether Changmin had known it wasn’t their first meeting. But before he could ask, Jaejoong had pointed to the guy beside Changmin and introduced him.
“This is Jung Yunho-sshi,”
“Nice to meet you, Kim Junsu-sshi.” He held out his hand to Junsu.
Yunho’s grip was firm and Junsu tried not to look as lost as he felt.
They were ushered to a table Jaejoong had booked ahead of time. As they passed several tables, gazes fell upon them, surely recognizing who they were. Walking across the length of the dimly lit room, an archway led them to a more open space. Their table was outside, a little secluded from the rest of the restaurant and overlooked a scene of the brightly lit urban night. A tiny breeze played with the flames of the candles in the middle of their table and the light reflected off the glass of their drinks and the silver of their spoons. It felt intimate.
Junsu sat between Jaejoong and Yunho, and Changmin (resting the napkin on his lap) sat in front of him.
“I’m glad you guys could make it.” Jaejoong said looking like he meant it.
“We almost didn’t. I’ve forgotten how busy the city could be.” Yunho replied beside him.
Jaejoong chuckled, “Yeah, really different isn’t it? I kinda miss the silence of the apartments.”
Yunho smiled, the candlelight making it seem that much softer.
Junsu looked from Jaejoong to Yunho, a question at the tip of his tongue, but felt like it was almost rude to interrupt. Something about Jaejoong’s easy manner was setting something off inside of Junsu. Like an ugly-simmering.
“We met Jaejoong-sshi at Yunho-hyung’s apartments. Well his parents owned them, but he was acting landlord at the time.” Changmin’s crisp voice broke past Yunho and Jaejoong’s chatter and was clearly directed at him.
He met Changmin’s gaze, understanding and sharp, as a tiny smile played at the young man’s lips.
“Oh.” He wanted to ask more, but didn’t quite know where to start.
“Ah, sorry Junsuyah,” Jaejoong’s hand squeezed his momentarily. “I was just excited to see them again. I met them when…” And at this, Jaejoong seemed to fail a little at his next words. His eyes looked to the side as if he could find the appropriate words there.
“Around four months ago.” Jaejoong finally said as a way of explanation.
Junsu was doing that nodding thing again. Like he didn’t understand, but was just reacting. Four months ago was when…
Junsu’s gaze found the flickering candle light, in danger of being snuffed out by every lick of the passing breeze.
“Oh.” Again.
Jaejoong found his hand for a second time. Junsu almost pulled away, but caught himself and interlaced his fingers with Jaejoong’s instead. He gave a reassuring squeeze (“I’m okay”) before letting go.
Thankfully someone came to ask if they had decided what they would like and the next few minutes were filled with discussions of what was good and what they would recommend and a bit of Jaejoong encouraging Changmin to order as much as he wanted. Junsu hoped he wasn’t gaping that much by the time Changmin had finished ordering.
When they were alone once again, Changmin tactfully found a subject that seemed safe enough. He told them about the school he would be attending in the city and how he would be staying with Yunho for a bit while he looked for a place of his own.
“Yunho-sshi, you had a place here?” Jaejoong asked as his hair swayed with the passing breeze. Junsu felt as if it wasn’t just the candlelight that caused Jaejoong’s eyes to shine that brightly.
Yunho nodded. “I lived here before my parents asked me to look over the apartments. I almost let it go when I realized it wasn’t just for a month or two that I would be acting as landlord.”
Junsu watched Jaejoong carefully now. It’s been awhile since he’d seen him this animated. “Ah! So you’re living around here again?”
“Eh? Yunho-hyung, did you forget to tell him?”
“I guess I did.” Yunho grinned.
“That’s great!” Jaejoong sat back smiling, as if it was the best news he’d heard in a long time.
Their food came shortly after and in between bites, a lighthearted conversation filled their table. Changmin had immediately pounced on the opportunity to ask Junsu about his latest movie and told him how much he looked forward to it. They discussed a few facts, with Junsu trying not to give as many details away and Changmin and his excited eyes making it very difficult. Beside him, Jaejoong and Yunho talked about people Junsu didn’t know and once in a while joined into his and Changmin’s conversation. There were moments when Junsu felt out of place, but Yunho would rope him back in or Changmin would, and it was hard not to like them.
Jaejoong’s hand would often find his own or his arm or his shoulder. He wondered if it was to reassure him, to tell him he was part of this, or was it for Jaejoong’s own benefit, just like touching base; like an anchor.
At one point, Junsu looked at the scene as if he was outside it. He looked at the smile that kept afloat on Jaejoong’s face and wondered if he moved just a little out of reach so that Jaejoong would touch nothing when he held his hand out…he wondered if Jaejoong would float away. Junsu then turned to Changmin and lastly to Yunho and wondered how they had managed to put that smile there.
He couldn’t quite explain the sort of dark feeling that came over him whenever he saw their easy smiles, but it was getting more dark as time passed and as more smiles and laughter were exchanged.
“…We were almost late because Changmin had wanted to get a book on the way here,” Yunho was saying.
“Oh? Which one?” Jaejoong asked as he wiped his lips with a napkin.
Changmin reached behind him, inside a bag Junsu had only now noticed Changmin had.
“This one,” Changmin showed Jaejoong.
Junsu’s eyes widened and flicked sideways to Jaejoong’s face immediately. To his surprise (and perhaps disappointment), Jaejoong only chuckled softly as he reached for the book.
“Ah, this one. Is it good?”
Junsu frowned.
“Yeah, it is. I've read the other books and had forgotten this was supposed to come out months ago!” Changmin explained excitedly.
“Well, let me know if it’s good or not. I’ve been looking for something good to read.”
Gritting his teeth, Junsu stood abruptly and the contents of their table shook a little.
Yunho reached for a glass quickly, saving it from spilling as Jaejoong and Changmin looked up at Junsu curiously.
“Junsu?” Jaejoong asked concerned.
For a bit, Junsu moved his mouth to try to form words, but nothing came out. He bit his bottom lip and his hands balled into fists at his sides. “Jaejoong-hyung, you…” He tried, but couldn’t find what he really wanted to say. His throat hurt and the way his stomach was rolling suddenly made him wish he hadn’t eaten that much.
Jaejoong made a move to hold Junsu’s hand but Junsu drew away and excused himself. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He tried to smile, but knew he failed when Jaejoong’s frown grew deeper.
He entered the restaurant and found the nearest restroom. It was thankfully vacant and he quickly walked to the sink to splash his face with cold water.
When he felt less dizzy, he looked at his reflection and jumped a little when he found Jaejoong’s as well.
“What’s wrong?”
Junsu reached for a napkin to wipe the water off his face as an excuse not to meet Jaejoong’s gaze. “Nothing.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Junsu hissed, although he didn’t mean to.
Jaejoong’s face revealed nothing. “Avoid me.”
Despite the blossoming pain in his chest, Junsu forced himself to meet Jaejoong’s gaze.
That was Yoochun’s book, Junsu thought, Jaejoong was supposed to say Yoochun had the same book. “I’m not avoiding you.”
“Yes, you are. Don’t you think I’d know if--”
“You don’t know anything!” Junsu snapped, his voice reverberating against the tiled walls.
Jaejoong stepped back, his eyes a little wide with surprise. “Junsuyah…”
Junsu immediately regretted shouting. His head hurt, his body hurt, he was so tired. He pushed his frustrations away and stepped forward to hug Jaejoong fiercely that his elbows and Jaejoong’s back hit the wall. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “…sorry, just forget it. It’s been a long day and…just forget it. Please.”
He held on tighter and felt Jaejoong hold him too.
“’You sure that’s it?” Jaejoong asked tentatively.
“Yeah, I’m just tired.”
They returned to their table after Junsu had composed himself. The rest of the meal remained pleasant. He acted his part and it wasn’t that difficult as Yunho and Changmin were wonderful conversationalists. When it was time to part, he had realized he quite liked them and would be happy to see them again. And yet as he and Jaejoong watched them walk toward the parking lot, Junsu would not have minded if he never saw them again.
“Jaejoong-hyung, why don’t you watch the filming today? It's the best part of the story.”
Jaejoong reached into the cupboard for the pepper shaker and sprinkled some onto the eggs simmering in the pan.
“Can’t today.” He answered distractedly.
“You busy?” Junsu coughed. His eyes skimmed over the newspaper laid out in front of him. “You don’t have to stay for the entire thing, just drop by. Some people miss you.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Really? But you should see the set, it’s enormous! It’s by the same crew you worked with in--”
“I’d rather not hear about it, Junsu,” Jaejoong moved around the kitchen. He tended to the eggs and then to the toast, as well as the brewing coffee. “How much sugar do you put in yours again?”
“Two.” Junsu paused before asking, “Why not? Don’t you miss it? Another script came for you. I looked at it and it sounds good. Why don’t you give that one a try…”
Jaejoong turned quickly and managed to spill some of the coffee he held in his hands onto his shirt. “Shit.” He put the cups down and sighed heavily.
“Junsu, look, I’m just…Just drop it, okay?”
“Jaejoong-hyung,”
“Drop it.” Jaejoong’s grave tone made Junsu hold back the next thing he was going to say.
With a frustrated huff, Jaejoong left the kitchen, “I’m gonna change. Your breakfast is ready. Eat.” And Junsu was left alone.
He left his seat and got his breakfast, and also mopped up some of the coffee that had spilled on the floor. The food was good, but felt dry in his mouth. He didn’t like that he couldn’t get through to Jaejoong, that Jaejoong wouldn’t even allow him.
“What’s he so busy with that he can’t even visit me at work?” He directed his question to the empty plate placed at the spot Yoochun usually occupied and that made him feel worse.
As he took a sip of coffee, the phone rang. He looked in the direction of the bedroom, but it seemed Jaejoong was still changing. After the second ring he got up and answered it.
“Hello?”
“Jaejoong-shii?” The caller asked.
“No, he’s…” Junsu looked at the archway leading to the bedrooms. “busy. May I know who’s calling?”
“Oh, I’ll just call back later then. This is Jung Yunho.”
Junsu’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll tell him you called.”
“Oh, alright. Thank you--” Junsu hung up the phone. He stared at it, he could still hear Yunho’s pleasant voice floating in the air. It sounded like sunny days and grass swaying in the breeze. He didn’t like it. Faster than he could think, his fingers found the caller’s list and he had deleted the number. The blue light blinked back to dark and the number of callers was reduced.
“What are you doing?”
Junsu turned, his heart jumping at his throat at the little scare. “Nothing,” he stammered.
Jaejoong stood in half-light, making his expression unreadable.
Junsu gripped the phone by his side and realizing too late that he looked guilty trying to hide it, he placed it back in its cradle and tried to walk past Jaejoong, who hadn’t moved yet.
“Junsuyah,” Jaejoong caught his arm as he walked past and Junsu’s stomach churned with guilt. He was a little dazed, a little angry, but he was mostly a lot confused.
“Who called?” Jaejoong turned him so that they faced each other and it felt worse to look at such a soft expression. Jaejoong knew who called and he knew what Junsu had done. He had watched and now he’s asking Junsu to explain why he had done it.
“I don’t know.” Junsu swallowed, and it hurt to swallow a lie; it was sharp and it burned.
The hold Jaejoong had on his arm loosened and then let go, leaving a disappointed bruise only Junsu could feel.
The silence that followed was palpable. He didn’t like it. There had been a lot of things lately that he didn't like.
“Finish your breakfast and don’t be late for work.” Jaejoong moved past him and started to clear the living room. There wasn’t much to clear, so he just sat there and looked out the window.
Junsu didn’t move from his place at the threshold between the dining room and the living room. He could see Jaejoong’s silent reflection off the mirror on the wall, and also the undisturbed book on the table in front of him.
Breathing deeply, he asked what he had wanted to ask ever since that dinner with Jaejoong’s new friends.
“Why didn’t you say Yoochun-hyung had the same book?”
Jaejoong glanced back at him and then at the book on the table, knowing exactly what Junsu was talking about.
“It wasn’t necessary.”
At those words, the anger he felt that night returned, (releasing him from the frozen state Jaejoong’s disappointment had left him in) as well as the frustration and confusion that had been building up ever since Jaejoong’s return. He turned swiftly and faced Jaejoong.
“Why? Because talking about Yoochun-hyung might ruin the occasion?”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened and his mouth opened in wordless inquiry.
“Because you don’t want to be reminded of Yoochun-hyung anymore, right? That’s why you won’t visit me at work, that’s why you refuse to film anymore, right!?” He was shouting. “Because you’d rather leave again and be with those people that make you happy! That Jung Yunho. He makes you smile right? You were smiling so much. You looked so happy. It’s better isn’t it? To be happy and not be sad all the time and cry at every little thing that reminds you of Yoochun-hyung!?”
“Junsuyah--” Jaejoong stood slowly, but didn’t approach him. It looked like he couldn’t say anything else past Junsu’s name.
“Maybe I should stop visiting too. Maybe I’m making you sad.” A tear slid down Junsu’s cheek, he didn’t know what he was saying anymore. He didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Maybe I should have gone with him--”
The dull shine of metal and the smell of rain on asphalt.
‘Junsu let go!’
Yoochun’s slippery fingers.
‘No, just hang on, please! Yoochun-hyung--’
Bending metal and snapping cables.
‘Junsuyah.’ Eyelashes wet with rain. ‘Let go, Junsuyah.’
‘No--’
Yoochun’s slippery fingers.
Junsu backed into the dinner table, his knees buckled under him and he sank to the floor. The hand that had gripped the table’s surface scattered the newspaper all over the place.
Jaejoong ran to him and held Junsu’s face in his hands. He was talking to Junsu, but Junsu couldn’t hear what was being said. His body was hot. All he could hear were piano keys…
‘Can I play you something?’
And feel phantom fingers on his arms letting go, slick with rain.
His eyes dropped to the scattered newspaper on the floor, a picture of Yoochun on the page he had been reading, and all he could think was how nice it would be if the article had ended with, ‘but he was just having a bad dream. Really he’s okay.’
~TBC
Thank you for reading.