[Fic] Ballad of the Moon : 1
Title: Ballad of the Moon
Pairing: Jaemin, Yoomin
Length: Chapter 1/?
Genre: fantasy, adventure, angst,drama
Disclaimer: idea based on goose-girl fairy tale ~
Summary: Changmin has no control over his life as he's forced to leave his home to become the escort of the Crown Prince in a faraway land. Before he can even reach his destination, he's betrayed by his own guard and barely escapes death, finding himself alone and forgotten in a dark forsaken land where magic is real and even the moon has deserted the sky.
A/N: i know other stories are waiting for updates, but this is writing itself. -0- so going with it :D ~ the first chapter is background and a little slow, but i promise it will pick up from chapter 2! enjoy~~
*****
***
When he was ten years old, Changmin, along with the whole rest of the castle, found out that his mother was not the Queen but one of the castle maids who had just passed away giving birth to yet another illegitimate child.
Although he was still too young to understand what was happening, or why servants and courtiers were now looking at him with open disdain in their eyes, why no one helped him after getting tripped in the hallway or finding things stolen and missing from his room, he did make the connection that the reason why Queen Mother had never seemed to love him as much as his brothers was because his birth mother was someone else; and now she was dead.
He did, however, get to see the woman before they took her away from the castle to be burned to ash as was the proper burial rites for non nobility. His oldest brother Yunho, who had always taken care of him since he was young, snuck him out of bed late that night. He held onto his hand firmly with the hand that always seemed warmer and stronger than his own, leading him to what must have been the maid's quarters. Changmin found the room oddly familiar, but unsettlingly quiet and empty as the only person that occupied it was laid out stiff and silent beneath a thick red cloth.
Changmin didn’t understand why she was sleeping that way, but when Yunho folded back the cloth to reveal her face he did feel a jolt as he recognized the castle maid who would always give him treats or be the first to pick him up when he fell and scraped his knee bloody. She had always seemed to be somewhere near him, working and watching with kind eyes from the shadows. He still clearly remembered the laugh lines about those warm eyes, the accompanying smile, hands that were worn and rough from hard work but that had always felt infinitely more comforting than the smooth slender hands of Queen Mother.
This maid had always favored him, treated him as if he were special or important to her, and later Changmin would wish more than anything that he could go back in time and receive those attentions with the knowledge that they were coming from none other than his real mother who loved him deeply, watching over him from afar, forbidden and unable to raise him as her own.
As it was, he just copied Yunho who breathed a kiss onto the still woman’s cheek. Her skin felt cold against his lips and he asked aloud why she was so cold when the fire was roaring in the fireplace, but Yunho had just told him to tell her good night and to pray for sweet dreams.
Years later and he still hadn’t been able to thank his brother for giving him that last moment with his mother. For helping him to say goodbye even though he hadn’t known that was what he had been doing.
Because after that night his life had changed radically. Gone was the ease and freedom of each day spent as the youngest prince of the kingdom, gone also were the classes and tutors he hated so much. No longer must he study the ways of royal conduct, nor struggle to write carefully penned pages on the virtue of loyalty and their people’s war history.
He had always hated sitting still, and was happy at first for now being free to run outside, spar with wooden swords, or wrestle with the stable boys to his heart’s content. He would realize quickly however that none of those pleasures would make up for the way both servants and nobles all over the castle seemed to change overnight. He wondered if they had ever liked him at all, hating to think they’d just been pretending out of duty as they now treated him like the dirty little snot-nosed kid that he was.
They no longer listened to his requests or even commands unless he was accompanied by one of his brothers. They would mock him in quiet undertones, words cruel and biting as were the blows that fell upon him dragged out and hidden behind the kitchens. Time and time again the boy’s he’d considered playmates would lie, framing him of petty thefts or misconduct, and although they were never severe enough to reach the ears of his father, the cold displeasure in Queen Mother’s eyes as she merely watched from a distance as her guards disciplined him was more terrifying than anything he’d ever known.
No, he didn’t understand it all then, but his whole life had changed. He was still a prince, still the son of the King, but he was illegitimate, dirty, and anyone who dared to, put him down for it. He was convinced that everyone hated him, blamed him, when he realized just how often a blind eye was turned, just how often it happened behind backs that were turned on purpose, and the number of incidents piled up.
Many still treated him as a prince, or else they didn’t care one way or the other, and he had a small group of staff and guards that were his personal servants. But his lifestyle was vastly different from that of his brothers. Changmin found it more comfortable outside. Not just to avoid the bad treatment or cold eyes, but because he felt so alive and almost invincible under the warm gleaming sun, riding on thundering hooves across fields so fast the world became a blur and the wind forced tears from his eyes. Or sparring with swords for hours until his hands bled from calluses torn open, dripping sweat and body aching and sore.
Using his body was the only way to fight through or deal with all the emotions and thoughts that had no where to go. Yet due to the rigorous training, he soon became a formidable swordsman, the top rider and hunter out of all the men as no one seemed to have as strong of a drive as he did. No one understood and he didn't expect them to.
It was among the common men and soldiers where he found true acceptance and respect. Not because of his birthright, but because he had earned it painstakingly over the years through sweat and pain. They at least respected him as a man, and that was all he could ask for. It's what he'd made of his life after all, and he appreciated their simple friendship, the lack of judgement or calculations based on rank and power.
He had slowly carved a place for himself, gathering a small group of loyal followers. And as his two older brothers grew into influential formidable political figures, he faded further into the background. The third prince. The one with nothing to his name, the one who would never become anything. He didn’t envy his brother’s positions or ranks in the least, he knew it was a great burden and responsibility they were shouldered with, and he was just glad he could provide them with a foil of sorts to help them shine. He supported them more than anyone else.
Nor did he resent his father’s blind indifference to his situation, the silent refusal to declare him his rightful son if only to stop the petty pranks and mistreatment, since by now he was able to stand his ground and deal with anyone who tried to look down on him. His father was the King after all, a busy man with more important things to deal with.
That was until his father decided to take everything away from him. Not as a father, but as a King, he'd decided to simply send him away. A political move, as he called it, a sort of peace offering to a far off kingdom which they could hardly pronounce the name of, so far away it almost fell off the map.
Apparently their furthest borders reached the edge of the other country, separated by a thick treacherous forest which many believed to either be haunted or full of wild magic. As it was, their relations were currently peaceful, yet Changmin’s father wanted to take extra precautions and assure they were allies by connecting them through a royal relationship.
Their family only had three children of marriageable age, yet they were all male. The last baby born of the Queen Mother, a weak little girl, had passed away during a severely harsh winter at only the age of three, leaving Changmin the youngest, though now a strong young man of nineteen. The lack of a princess had not daunted their father, who insisted on forging some sort of tie between their countries at all costs. The far off kingdom of Goguryo seemed to only have sons as well.
Therefore, it had been decided that the least useful, but no less royal, third prince would be sent to live forever in that far off land, becoming their Crown Prince’s personal guard and right hand man. To secure continued peace and strength between the two nations, he was to become a living peace offering. And Changmin had no say in the matter one way or another.
He bitterly told himself the real reason he was chosen was simply because he was the black spot on the royal name. The bastard son who was as dumb and uneducated as a farmer. Or so everyone thought.
Yes, everyone saw him publicly riding, hunting, and sword fighting, like any other young man his age, but behind closed doors and late into candle lit nights, Changmin studied furiously by the side of Yunho. His eldest brother had taken it upon himself to continue educating Changmin in all the ways of the kingdom, important knowledge and skills that he pressured Changmin to commit to learning.
He drilled into his head that ignorance was weakness, and being weak was dangerous. For no matter how much people looked down on Changmin because of his mother, he was still of the King’s blood. Still a prince of the nation, and he had to be prepared and understand the world he was a part of. He had to be responsible enough to uphold the family's name and honor should it be required of him. And now was the first time he was to be tested.
At first when he heard the news, Changmin was seethingly angry. He didn’t want to leave the only home he’d ever known, and especially couldn’t bear to imagine a life without Yunho in it. His brother was the only person who knew him, who believed in him, who loved him, and Changmin had learned everything from the older boy.
Merely two hours after his father had calmly and coolly commanded that he prepare himself to leave the castle within a fortnight, found Changmin out on the practice grounds, hacking fiercely away at a wooden practice statue, tearing large chunks out of the wood with each sweep of his sword.
The blade hummed and vibrated loudly in his hands, making them numb within minutes of starting his emotional attack. But he couldn’t stop. Not even when the statue was sorn into pieces, littering the dusty ground around him. He leaned wearily against the lump that remained, deep breaths tearing at his throat as he huffed thickly for air.
He told himself it was just the ferocity with which he’d practiced, that he’d worn himself out too quickly and too roughly. But it didn’t explain the sharp pain in his chest, nor the way his throat closed in on itself.
It just wasn’t fair. He felt like he was being sold off, that his father just wanted to get rid of him. It didn’t matter that he’d be helping them gain the allegiance of the largest kingdom nearest to theirs. He honestly didn’t care about politics as much as Yunho drilled them into him. He didn’t care about anything except the freedom he found on the back of the horse and the way Yunho’s gentle eyes saw took in all his flaws and pains and made him feel he belonged no where else but at his side.
Maybe the worst part was that for years now he’d already decided what he wanted to do with his life and position. He hadn’t told anyone yet, not even his brother, but he was confident no other man would be able to beat him and secure the position of Yunho’s personal guard. Yunho probably wouldn’t trust anyone but him either, and it meant he could give back everything his brother had given him, and more. He’d lay down his life for him, would protect him with everything he had. But now that dream was being taken away from him without a care.
To think that he’d get charged with the very position he dreamed of, accompanying a Crown Prince, but not that of his brother, that of another kingdom. It was a horribly bitter feeling, one that made him feel so powerless and that made him even angrier as he imagined someone else filling that position next to his brother. No one should be there but him, and he wanted to fight, prove his worth and claim the thing he’d been working himself so hard for. He was the hot headed one ready to take action, the opposing balance to his brother’s calm level-headed tactic, and he knew Yunho needed him just as much as he needed the other.
His body had burned out of energy, but despite his physical fatigue nothing could lessen or quench the still smoldering anger deep in his stomach. His thoughts continued to race, an endless repetition of the injustice of the decision, of how wrong it was, of how much he wanted to resist and fight. He'd never stood up against anything that had happened to him until now, always waiting and forcing himself to bear it, struggling to rise above it to make himself stronger as Yunho had painstakingly taught him the virtue of patience and caution. But what was the use of all that? How could he just sit back and let his life be destroyed?
It was Yunho who found him there a few hours later, slumped to the ground with his back to the wooden stump. The sun was low in the sky, bleeding into the dusty orange clouds, wobbling and melting the end of the day as it sunk lower. It threw the world into deep purple shadow, stretched and elongated. And it was one such shadow, Yunho's, that dropped over him from above. He lifted his head to see his brother backed with the remnants of the explosion of the citrus sunset.
Changmin would have thought the picture surreal, beautiful even, if it weren't for the sad look on his brother's face. Those deep eyes that usually held so much warmth were overflowing with something heavy, shadowed with dark, but they could still see right through him like always.
Yunho was then dropping down to sit beside him, a silent unconditional offer of a shoulder to rest against, and Changmin automatically leaned into the comforting embrace. They didn't need words, there was nothing to say. What could they say when it was out of their hands? It was something so much bigger than even the Crown Prince Yunho could dictate.
Yunho would go on to become the next king, a strong ruler, and Changmin would disappear from his life, cast away to a faraway land never to return. Changmin sighed deeply, filled with so many unsatisfied longings and dreams. So many which involved his brother. He'd always assumed they'd be together, thought he would be able to watch his brother ascend the throne and take his rightful place beside him. but now they were suddenly facing probably their last two weeks together. It was only a single last breath before forever. It was all too huge and too impossible to bear, too hard to let go.
"Changmin-ah." Yunho's voice was steady as always. "Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you'll be fine. Even without me."
And Changmin didn't even want to pretend to believe him. "No, I wont." He denied, voice devoid of emotion. He'd lost it all, let it rage and flow and break like waves upon rocks as he'd attacked the wooden block behind him. "It wasn't supposed to be like this." He continued bitterly, and Yunho slowly pulled away, turning instead to look at him.
"You'll find something worthwhile there, I'm sure of it. Something to make you smile again. And...years down the line, I'm sure you'll be able to just keep this...me...as just a warm childhood memory."
Changmin frowned at his brother, almost annoyed. "Is that really what you want to become to me, hyung? Is that what you're trying to convince yourself with?"
Yunho's soft smile sent a small sigh of something close to relief trickling through him. His brother was an idiot a lot of the time, and Changmin knew him well enough to know that even if Changmin eventually got over it all, that it was his brother who was the one who couldn't let go or forget. Yunho was really the one who wouldn't be okay without him there. He knew he was being selfish as that knowledge somehow comforted him slightly.
"I just...wont know what to do when I miss you too much. And I don't want you leaving here with regrets and not facing this with everything you've got." Yunho replied firmly, and even though he was probably right, Changmin really didn't care about that right now. "And I promise..." Yunho said carefully, meeting his eyes steadily. "That I'll come see you as often as I can."
"They said it's over a month’s travel from here." Changmin reminded him, knowing full well the odds of a Crown Prince, let alone King, having the leisure to be absent for such a long period merely to visit his little brother.
He didn't want Yunho to promise, didn't want those words to grow and bloom within him, fooling him and blinding him until he would only be disappointed in the end. Believing in empty words he'd built up on his own had happened far too many times already.
"You can't promise me that." He said quietly. "And I don't expect you to."
Yunho looked so guilty, upset, and sorry, and Changmin felt like he should have just played along, pretended along with him rather than state the crude truth. He somehow managed a smile.
The words that had filled his head until it felt it would burst for the last few hours, the reasons he had focused on to help convince and change his father's mind, the future he'd decided to stand for, it all faded away the way the anger had, gone dull and weak. There really was no fighting this. The look in Yunho's eyes told him everything, told him it was already all over, and saying it now would only hurt Yuhno more. "It...can be a second chance for me." He whispered instead. "You're the only one who really knows what that means to me."
Yunho nodded, searching his eyes for a moment before drawing him into a hug. Changmin couldn't bear to reveal that although his words were true, they were nothing of what he wanted, the truth, the dream he gave up without even giving voice to it. He didn't need a new start, he only needed everything that was his home, this love and support in his life, but he had to say it this way just so Yunho could be at peace. So his brother wouldn't blame himself for somehow failing him.
"But, I don't want to send you away." Yunho whispered brokenly, and Changmin buried his face in his shoulder. Yunho wasn't making this any easier for either of them, but at the same time he needed and yearned to hear these very words.
"Then can you...bring me back...later? After father's gone..."
"It's not banishment or anything, Min." Yunho laughed lightly. "You're not going to be there forever if I have any say in it."
Changmin felt reassured, bolstered by the fierceness of Yunho's conviction and smiled more easily into his brother's shoulder.
They sat side by side until the sun had disappeared completely behind the far off purple mountains clustered in the distance, now shrouded in navy clouds. The first stars pricked the velvet sky, and the moon was low and full on the horizon.
No more words were shared, neither of them able to find the right thing to say, and knowing there was not enough time to say it all. The warmth of Yunho's shoulder against his was the only thing keeping him grounded, the only thing keeping him from hoisting his sword again and raging at the practice dummy for the rest the night, this time desperately striving to keep back the grief, to fight away the unfamiliar prick of tears which he hadn't felt for so many years, tears which threatened to knock his battered defenses the rest of the way down, to knock his feet out from under him and plunge him into true hopelessness. But Yunho's warmth was steady, unwavering, and he clung to him shamelessly.
He would never let that warmth fade, would take it with him, and hopefully he would be able to leave a similar gift in his place to keep Yunho from blaming himself. He found Yunho's hand and gripped it with both of his own. And he wasn't prepared at all, didn't know what the foreign tangle of choked emotion that nearly stopped his heart was, as he realized that Yunho's hands were no longer bigger nor stronger than his own.
*****
A fortnight passed only too quickly, Changmin's escort and send off being organized systematically, the farewell party under full preparation.
Changmin didn't want any of it, didn't want to see the genuinely happy smiles as they bid farewell, the eyes speaking volumes as they followed him around everywhere he went these last few days. Much too happy to see him go, and he didn't need that adding to his already heavy heart.
He only wanted to savor any time left with Yunho, but his father kept him busy in the middle of everything, determined he should pay his respects to every last member of the court. It really felt like goodbye forever, and the frustration and stuffiness built within him, compressed and dangerously crouched, straining to spring free.
He was saved from one more long line of court officials and nobles bowing to the floor before him by one of his only friends, his personal servant since childhood. Junsu came to his side flushed, grinning, and excited. He seemed to embody everything about the upcoming journey that Changmin couldn't feel or understand, the undying brightness in his eyes that lit his whole face being a clear reflection of the opportunity he saw ahead.
The other loved to fill silences with words and laughter, whereas Changmin preferred to keep them. But the carefree friendliness of Junsu helped the two of them to get along despite their differences, and now was definitely a time he appreciated it.
Junsu was ecstatic and unable to hide his wild dreams and imagination of what lay in store for them in the Goguryo Kingdom, spilling it all forth in a rush as Changmin merely listened with half an ear. He nearly talked himself hoarse, laughing and beaming like it would be the best thing that ever happened to him. And for all Changmin knew, maybe for Junsu it would be just that. Freedom in a sense, or at least just higher rank and power in a new place. Like he'd said, lied, a new start.
He didn't seem to notice or think anything of Changmin's darker than normal silence or the heavy air surrounding him, as he was too busy filling him in with the list of the selected guard they'd be traveling with. Captain Lee of the West Guard was to be their guide as he'd traveled to the other land before. Changmin didn't know much about the man except for that he'd always openly disapproved of Changmin joining in the training of the guards and soldiers, and having him the leader of his team now was hardly encouraging. The General of the King's Army, a man who'd secretly helped him train for years, had apparently volunteered but it was no surprise that he'd been denied. Changmin was touched by the offer at least, and was sad to have to leave him behind as well. The elder man had always treated him more like a son than his own father did.
Changmin was soon lost in the bubbling waves of Junsu's cheery voice and time seemed to flee before it. It was only too soon that the torches were being lit, the hallways emptying out, and the tolling of the midnight bells rang through the castle. Even that sound echoed in his chest painfully, soon to become nothing but a bittersweet reminder of home, a sound he'd heard nightly since birth. It was a sound he'd even personally created, announcing his sixteenth birthday amid laughter muted with the resounding peals, a flooding thrill of power in a moment he'd never forget as Yunho had merely stood beside him grinning and laughing.
Finally the day was over and he came rocking back into himself, alone in his room, and it already felt foreign and no longer his own. Not with everything put away and packed, forcing him out and denying the possibility that he'd ever come back to use it again.
He couldn't take it for more than a few minutes, minutes which seemed like hours of futilely chasing sleep, and that night was the first in many years, and the last to be, that he doused the lights and slipped from the room, sneaking instead into Yunho's room.
He found Yunho awake and waiting for him, a smile of welcome, his own sigh of relief, and the arms that closed around him hid him from the world as he finally let himself break down. Nothing could stem or stop the flow of all his fears and insecurities, whispered against the rhythmic beating of a caring heart. Yunho comforted him gently, taking in everything and giving more back as he revealed and shared his own until they finally fell exhaustedly asleep.
The next morning hit with all the festivity and bustle of any special event, and Changmin hated to be the main character, paraded before the people as his father gave a formal speech, all superficial false words of the greatness of Changmin's choice, the way they'd all miss him, and finally a blessing bestowed upon his journey.
None of it stirred the empty cold nothingness that had shrouded him like a mantle from the moment he’d woke alone in Yunho's room, until he saw the glint of something else in the depths of his father's eyes as he drew him into a brief hug. The regal embrace of a King, but the eyes of a father. A tight smile and a rough, "Good boy. You'll do fine.", before he was released, ushered down the steps to the waiting group of soldiers now mounting their horses.
He hardly had time to find Yunho, their hug much too short and public to be satisfying as their last; even the brush of Yunho's lips on his cheek felt wrong, unsuitable, not enough for goodbye, and Changmin looked pleadingly into his brother's eyes.
"I love you." Words almost inaudible under a breath, "I'll see you soon."
And Changmin's eyes stung with the force of his emotions thrashing and screaming no on the inside. A final press to his hand, and he couldn't remember much else after. He was not sure how he had mounted his horse, sitting lonely and exposed high above what seemed thousands of faces turned up towards him. Junsu was nearly bursting at the seams beside him as he bounced in his saddle.
They were already moving slowly towards the gate, horribly conspicious, a big spectacle before the many people gathered along the main road to catch a glimpse of him, to watch him leave his only home behind.
After many endlessly long minutes of blaring horns and shouting people, it was finally blessedly, echoingly quiet. Nothing but the sound of their horses’ hooves trodding on the path through large fields and past humble farms.
Everything had to be left behind, and he couldn't return the smile that Junsu sent in his direction. Because he felt that tears may pour out instead and he could only focus resolutely on the road, the unknown, stretching before him. A road to forever with no turning back.
******
next chapter~
A/N: what do you think?? :P hehehe
Pairing: Jaemin, Yoomin
Length: Chapter 1/?
Genre: fantasy, adventure, angst,drama
Disclaimer: idea based on goose-girl fairy tale ~
Summary: Changmin has no control over his life as he's forced to leave his home to become the escort of the Crown Prince in a faraway land. Before he can even reach his destination, he's betrayed by his own guard and barely escapes death, finding himself alone and forgotten in a dark forsaken land where magic is real and even the moon has deserted the sky.
A/N: i know other stories are waiting for updates, but this is writing itself. -0- so going with it :D ~ the first chapter is background and a little slow, but i promise it will pick up from chapter 2! enjoy~~
*****
***
When he was ten years old, Changmin, along with the whole rest of the castle, found out that his mother was not the Queen but one of the castle maids who had just passed away giving birth to yet another illegitimate child.
Although he was still too young to understand what was happening, or why servants and courtiers were now looking at him with open disdain in their eyes, why no one helped him after getting tripped in the hallway or finding things stolen and missing from his room, he did make the connection that the reason why Queen Mother had never seemed to love him as much as his brothers was because his birth mother was someone else; and now she was dead.
He did, however, get to see the woman before they took her away from the castle to be burned to ash as was the proper burial rites for non nobility. His oldest brother Yunho, who had always taken care of him since he was young, snuck him out of bed late that night. He held onto his hand firmly with the hand that always seemed warmer and stronger than his own, leading him to what must have been the maid's quarters. Changmin found the room oddly familiar, but unsettlingly quiet and empty as the only person that occupied it was laid out stiff and silent beneath a thick red cloth.
Changmin didn’t understand why she was sleeping that way, but when Yunho folded back the cloth to reveal her face he did feel a jolt as he recognized the castle maid who would always give him treats or be the first to pick him up when he fell and scraped his knee bloody. She had always seemed to be somewhere near him, working and watching with kind eyes from the shadows. He still clearly remembered the laugh lines about those warm eyes, the accompanying smile, hands that were worn and rough from hard work but that had always felt infinitely more comforting than the smooth slender hands of Queen Mother.
This maid had always favored him, treated him as if he were special or important to her, and later Changmin would wish more than anything that he could go back in time and receive those attentions with the knowledge that they were coming from none other than his real mother who loved him deeply, watching over him from afar, forbidden and unable to raise him as her own.
As it was, he just copied Yunho who breathed a kiss onto the still woman’s cheek. Her skin felt cold against his lips and he asked aloud why she was so cold when the fire was roaring in the fireplace, but Yunho had just told him to tell her good night and to pray for sweet dreams.
Years later and he still hadn’t been able to thank his brother for giving him that last moment with his mother. For helping him to say goodbye even though he hadn’t known that was what he had been doing.
Because after that night his life had changed radically. Gone was the ease and freedom of each day spent as the youngest prince of the kingdom, gone also were the classes and tutors he hated so much. No longer must he study the ways of royal conduct, nor struggle to write carefully penned pages on the virtue of loyalty and their people’s war history.
He had always hated sitting still, and was happy at first for now being free to run outside, spar with wooden swords, or wrestle with the stable boys to his heart’s content. He would realize quickly however that none of those pleasures would make up for the way both servants and nobles all over the castle seemed to change overnight. He wondered if they had ever liked him at all, hating to think they’d just been pretending out of duty as they now treated him like the dirty little snot-nosed kid that he was.
They no longer listened to his requests or even commands unless he was accompanied by one of his brothers. They would mock him in quiet undertones, words cruel and biting as were the blows that fell upon him dragged out and hidden behind the kitchens. Time and time again the boy’s he’d considered playmates would lie, framing him of petty thefts or misconduct, and although they were never severe enough to reach the ears of his father, the cold displeasure in Queen Mother’s eyes as she merely watched from a distance as her guards disciplined him was more terrifying than anything he’d ever known.
No, he didn’t understand it all then, but his whole life had changed. He was still a prince, still the son of the King, but he was illegitimate, dirty, and anyone who dared to, put him down for it. He was convinced that everyone hated him, blamed him, when he realized just how often a blind eye was turned, just how often it happened behind backs that were turned on purpose, and the number of incidents piled up.
Many still treated him as a prince, or else they didn’t care one way or the other, and he had a small group of staff and guards that were his personal servants. But his lifestyle was vastly different from that of his brothers. Changmin found it more comfortable outside. Not just to avoid the bad treatment or cold eyes, but because he felt so alive and almost invincible under the warm gleaming sun, riding on thundering hooves across fields so fast the world became a blur and the wind forced tears from his eyes. Or sparring with swords for hours until his hands bled from calluses torn open, dripping sweat and body aching and sore.
Using his body was the only way to fight through or deal with all the emotions and thoughts that had no where to go. Yet due to the rigorous training, he soon became a formidable swordsman, the top rider and hunter out of all the men as no one seemed to have as strong of a drive as he did. No one understood and he didn't expect them to.
It was among the common men and soldiers where he found true acceptance and respect. Not because of his birthright, but because he had earned it painstakingly over the years through sweat and pain. They at least respected him as a man, and that was all he could ask for. It's what he'd made of his life after all, and he appreciated their simple friendship, the lack of judgement or calculations based on rank and power.
He had slowly carved a place for himself, gathering a small group of loyal followers. And as his two older brothers grew into influential formidable political figures, he faded further into the background. The third prince. The one with nothing to his name, the one who would never become anything. He didn’t envy his brother’s positions or ranks in the least, he knew it was a great burden and responsibility they were shouldered with, and he was just glad he could provide them with a foil of sorts to help them shine. He supported them more than anyone else.
Nor did he resent his father’s blind indifference to his situation, the silent refusal to declare him his rightful son if only to stop the petty pranks and mistreatment, since by now he was able to stand his ground and deal with anyone who tried to look down on him. His father was the King after all, a busy man with more important things to deal with.
That was until his father decided to take everything away from him. Not as a father, but as a King, he'd decided to simply send him away. A political move, as he called it, a sort of peace offering to a far off kingdom which they could hardly pronounce the name of, so far away it almost fell off the map.
Apparently their furthest borders reached the edge of the other country, separated by a thick treacherous forest which many believed to either be haunted or full of wild magic. As it was, their relations were currently peaceful, yet Changmin’s father wanted to take extra precautions and assure they were allies by connecting them through a royal relationship.
Their family only had three children of marriageable age, yet they were all male. The last baby born of the Queen Mother, a weak little girl, had passed away during a severely harsh winter at only the age of three, leaving Changmin the youngest, though now a strong young man of nineteen. The lack of a princess had not daunted their father, who insisted on forging some sort of tie between their countries at all costs. The far off kingdom of Goguryo seemed to only have sons as well.
Therefore, it had been decided that the least useful, but no less royal, third prince would be sent to live forever in that far off land, becoming their Crown Prince’s personal guard and right hand man. To secure continued peace and strength between the two nations, he was to become a living peace offering. And Changmin had no say in the matter one way or another.
He bitterly told himself the real reason he was chosen was simply because he was the black spot on the royal name. The bastard son who was as dumb and uneducated as a farmer. Or so everyone thought.
Yes, everyone saw him publicly riding, hunting, and sword fighting, like any other young man his age, but behind closed doors and late into candle lit nights, Changmin studied furiously by the side of Yunho. His eldest brother had taken it upon himself to continue educating Changmin in all the ways of the kingdom, important knowledge and skills that he pressured Changmin to commit to learning.
He drilled into his head that ignorance was weakness, and being weak was dangerous. For no matter how much people looked down on Changmin because of his mother, he was still of the King’s blood. Still a prince of the nation, and he had to be prepared and understand the world he was a part of. He had to be responsible enough to uphold the family's name and honor should it be required of him. And now was the first time he was to be tested.
At first when he heard the news, Changmin was seethingly angry. He didn’t want to leave the only home he’d ever known, and especially couldn’t bear to imagine a life without Yunho in it. His brother was the only person who knew him, who believed in him, who loved him, and Changmin had learned everything from the older boy.
Merely two hours after his father had calmly and coolly commanded that he prepare himself to leave the castle within a fortnight, found Changmin out on the practice grounds, hacking fiercely away at a wooden practice statue, tearing large chunks out of the wood with each sweep of his sword.
The blade hummed and vibrated loudly in his hands, making them numb within minutes of starting his emotional attack. But he couldn’t stop. Not even when the statue was sorn into pieces, littering the dusty ground around him. He leaned wearily against the lump that remained, deep breaths tearing at his throat as he huffed thickly for air.
He told himself it was just the ferocity with which he’d practiced, that he’d worn himself out too quickly and too roughly. But it didn’t explain the sharp pain in his chest, nor the way his throat closed in on itself.
It just wasn’t fair. He felt like he was being sold off, that his father just wanted to get rid of him. It didn’t matter that he’d be helping them gain the allegiance of the largest kingdom nearest to theirs. He honestly didn’t care about politics as much as Yunho drilled them into him. He didn’t care about anything except the freedom he found on the back of the horse and the way Yunho’s gentle eyes saw took in all his flaws and pains and made him feel he belonged no where else but at his side.
Maybe the worst part was that for years now he’d already decided what he wanted to do with his life and position. He hadn’t told anyone yet, not even his brother, but he was confident no other man would be able to beat him and secure the position of Yunho’s personal guard. Yunho probably wouldn’t trust anyone but him either, and it meant he could give back everything his brother had given him, and more. He’d lay down his life for him, would protect him with everything he had. But now that dream was being taken away from him without a care.
To think that he’d get charged with the very position he dreamed of, accompanying a Crown Prince, but not that of his brother, that of another kingdom. It was a horribly bitter feeling, one that made him feel so powerless and that made him even angrier as he imagined someone else filling that position next to his brother. No one should be there but him, and he wanted to fight, prove his worth and claim the thing he’d been working himself so hard for. He was the hot headed one ready to take action, the opposing balance to his brother’s calm level-headed tactic, and he knew Yunho needed him just as much as he needed the other.
His body had burned out of energy, but despite his physical fatigue nothing could lessen or quench the still smoldering anger deep in his stomach. His thoughts continued to race, an endless repetition of the injustice of the decision, of how wrong it was, of how much he wanted to resist and fight. He'd never stood up against anything that had happened to him until now, always waiting and forcing himself to bear it, struggling to rise above it to make himself stronger as Yunho had painstakingly taught him the virtue of patience and caution. But what was the use of all that? How could he just sit back and let his life be destroyed?
It was Yunho who found him there a few hours later, slumped to the ground with his back to the wooden stump. The sun was low in the sky, bleeding into the dusty orange clouds, wobbling and melting the end of the day as it sunk lower. It threw the world into deep purple shadow, stretched and elongated. And it was one such shadow, Yunho's, that dropped over him from above. He lifted his head to see his brother backed with the remnants of the explosion of the citrus sunset.
Changmin would have thought the picture surreal, beautiful even, if it weren't for the sad look on his brother's face. Those deep eyes that usually held so much warmth were overflowing with something heavy, shadowed with dark, but they could still see right through him like always.
Yunho was then dropping down to sit beside him, a silent unconditional offer of a shoulder to rest against, and Changmin automatically leaned into the comforting embrace. They didn't need words, there was nothing to say. What could they say when it was out of their hands? It was something so much bigger than even the Crown Prince Yunho could dictate.
Yunho would go on to become the next king, a strong ruler, and Changmin would disappear from his life, cast away to a faraway land never to return. Changmin sighed deeply, filled with so many unsatisfied longings and dreams. So many which involved his brother. He'd always assumed they'd be together, thought he would be able to watch his brother ascend the throne and take his rightful place beside him. but now they were suddenly facing probably their last two weeks together. It was only a single last breath before forever. It was all too huge and too impossible to bear, too hard to let go.
"Changmin-ah." Yunho's voice was steady as always. "Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you'll be fine. Even without me."
And Changmin didn't even want to pretend to believe him. "No, I wont." He denied, voice devoid of emotion. He'd lost it all, let it rage and flow and break like waves upon rocks as he'd attacked the wooden block behind him. "It wasn't supposed to be like this." He continued bitterly, and Yunho slowly pulled away, turning instead to look at him.
"You'll find something worthwhile there, I'm sure of it. Something to make you smile again. And...years down the line, I'm sure you'll be able to just keep this...me...as just a warm childhood memory."
Changmin frowned at his brother, almost annoyed. "Is that really what you want to become to me, hyung? Is that what you're trying to convince yourself with?"
Yunho's soft smile sent a small sigh of something close to relief trickling through him. His brother was an idiot a lot of the time, and Changmin knew him well enough to know that even if Changmin eventually got over it all, that it was his brother who was the one who couldn't let go or forget. Yunho was really the one who wouldn't be okay without him there. He knew he was being selfish as that knowledge somehow comforted him slightly.
"I just...wont know what to do when I miss you too much. And I don't want you leaving here with regrets and not facing this with everything you've got." Yunho replied firmly, and even though he was probably right, Changmin really didn't care about that right now. "And I promise..." Yunho said carefully, meeting his eyes steadily. "That I'll come see you as often as I can."
"They said it's over a month’s travel from here." Changmin reminded him, knowing full well the odds of a Crown Prince, let alone King, having the leisure to be absent for such a long period merely to visit his little brother.
He didn't want Yunho to promise, didn't want those words to grow and bloom within him, fooling him and blinding him until he would only be disappointed in the end. Believing in empty words he'd built up on his own had happened far too many times already.
"You can't promise me that." He said quietly. "And I don't expect you to."
Yunho looked so guilty, upset, and sorry, and Changmin felt like he should have just played along, pretended along with him rather than state the crude truth. He somehow managed a smile.
The words that had filled his head until it felt it would burst for the last few hours, the reasons he had focused on to help convince and change his father's mind, the future he'd decided to stand for, it all faded away the way the anger had, gone dull and weak. There really was no fighting this. The look in Yunho's eyes told him everything, told him it was already all over, and saying it now would only hurt Yuhno more. "It...can be a second chance for me." He whispered instead. "You're the only one who really knows what that means to me."
Yunho nodded, searching his eyes for a moment before drawing him into a hug. Changmin couldn't bear to reveal that although his words were true, they were nothing of what he wanted, the truth, the dream he gave up without even giving voice to it. He didn't need a new start, he only needed everything that was his home, this love and support in his life, but he had to say it this way just so Yunho could be at peace. So his brother wouldn't blame himself for somehow failing him.
"But, I don't want to send you away." Yunho whispered brokenly, and Changmin buried his face in his shoulder. Yunho wasn't making this any easier for either of them, but at the same time he needed and yearned to hear these very words.
"Then can you...bring me back...later? After father's gone..."
"It's not banishment or anything, Min." Yunho laughed lightly. "You're not going to be there forever if I have any say in it."
Changmin felt reassured, bolstered by the fierceness of Yunho's conviction and smiled more easily into his brother's shoulder.
They sat side by side until the sun had disappeared completely behind the far off purple mountains clustered in the distance, now shrouded in navy clouds. The first stars pricked the velvet sky, and the moon was low and full on the horizon.
No more words were shared, neither of them able to find the right thing to say, and knowing there was not enough time to say it all. The warmth of Yunho's shoulder against his was the only thing keeping him grounded, the only thing keeping him from hoisting his sword again and raging at the practice dummy for the rest the night, this time desperately striving to keep back the grief, to fight away the unfamiliar prick of tears which he hadn't felt for so many years, tears which threatened to knock his battered defenses the rest of the way down, to knock his feet out from under him and plunge him into true hopelessness. But Yunho's warmth was steady, unwavering, and he clung to him shamelessly.
He would never let that warmth fade, would take it with him, and hopefully he would be able to leave a similar gift in his place to keep Yunho from blaming himself. He found Yunho's hand and gripped it with both of his own. And he wasn't prepared at all, didn't know what the foreign tangle of choked emotion that nearly stopped his heart was, as he realized that Yunho's hands were no longer bigger nor stronger than his own.
*****
A fortnight passed only too quickly, Changmin's escort and send off being organized systematically, the farewell party under full preparation.
Changmin didn't want any of it, didn't want to see the genuinely happy smiles as they bid farewell, the eyes speaking volumes as they followed him around everywhere he went these last few days. Much too happy to see him go, and he didn't need that adding to his already heavy heart.
He only wanted to savor any time left with Yunho, but his father kept him busy in the middle of everything, determined he should pay his respects to every last member of the court. It really felt like goodbye forever, and the frustration and stuffiness built within him, compressed and dangerously crouched, straining to spring free.
He was saved from one more long line of court officials and nobles bowing to the floor before him by one of his only friends, his personal servant since childhood. Junsu came to his side flushed, grinning, and excited. He seemed to embody everything about the upcoming journey that Changmin couldn't feel or understand, the undying brightness in his eyes that lit his whole face being a clear reflection of the opportunity he saw ahead.
The other loved to fill silences with words and laughter, whereas Changmin preferred to keep them. But the carefree friendliness of Junsu helped the two of them to get along despite their differences, and now was definitely a time he appreciated it.
Junsu was ecstatic and unable to hide his wild dreams and imagination of what lay in store for them in the Goguryo Kingdom, spilling it all forth in a rush as Changmin merely listened with half an ear. He nearly talked himself hoarse, laughing and beaming like it would be the best thing that ever happened to him. And for all Changmin knew, maybe for Junsu it would be just that. Freedom in a sense, or at least just higher rank and power in a new place. Like he'd said, lied, a new start.
He didn't seem to notice or think anything of Changmin's darker than normal silence or the heavy air surrounding him, as he was too busy filling him in with the list of the selected guard they'd be traveling with. Captain Lee of the West Guard was to be their guide as he'd traveled to the other land before. Changmin didn't know much about the man except for that he'd always openly disapproved of Changmin joining in the training of the guards and soldiers, and having him the leader of his team now was hardly encouraging. The General of the King's Army, a man who'd secretly helped him train for years, had apparently volunteered but it was no surprise that he'd been denied. Changmin was touched by the offer at least, and was sad to have to leave him behind as well. The elder man had always treated him more like a son than his own father did.
Changmin was soon lost in the bubbling waves of Junsu's cheery voice and time seemed to flee before it. It was only too soon that the torches were being lit, the hallways emptying out, and the tolling of the midnight bells rang through the castle. Even that sound echoed in his chest painfully, soon to become nothing but a bittersweet reminder of home, a sound he'd heard nightly since birth. It was a sound he'd even personally created, announcing his sixteenth birthday amid laughter muted with the resounding peals, a flooding thrill of power in a moment he'd never forget as Yunho had merely stood beside him grinning and laughing.
Finally the day was over and he came rocking back into himself, alone in his room, and it already felt foreign and no longer his own. Not with everything put away and packed, forcing him out and denying the possibility that he'd ever come back to use it again.
He couldn't take it for more than a few minutes, minutes which seemed like hours of futilely chasing sleep, and that night was the first in many years, and the last to be, that he doused the lights and slipped from the room, sneaking instead into Yunho's room.
He found Yunho awake and waiting for him, a smile of welcome, his own sigh of relief, and the arms that closed around him hid him from the world as he finally let himself break down. Nothing could stem or stop the flow of all his fears and insecurities, whispered against the rhythmic beating of a caring heart. Yunho comforted him gently, taking in everything and giving more back as he revealed and shared his own until they finally fell exhaustedly asleep.
The next morning hit with all the festivity and bustle of any special event, and Changmin hated to be the main character, paraded before the people as his father gave a formal speech, all superficial false words of the greatness of Changmin's choice, the way they'd all miss him, and finally a blessing bestowed upon his journey.
None of it stirred the empty cold nothingness that had shrouded him like a mantle from the moment he’d woke alone in Yunho's room, until he saw the glint of something else in the depths of his father's eyes as he drew him into a brief hug. The regal embrace of a King, but the eyes of a father. A tight smile and a rough, "Good boy. You'll do fine.", before he was released, ushered down the steps to the waiting group of soldiers now mounting their horses.
He hardly had time to find Yunho, their hug much too short and public to be satisfying as their last; even the brush of Yunho's lips on his cheek felt wrong, unsuitable, not enough for goodbye, and Changmin looked pleadingly into his brother's eyes.
"I love you." Words almost inaudible under a breath, "I'll see you soon."
And Changmin's eyes stung with the force of his emotions thrashing and screaming no on the inside. A final press to his hand, and he couldn't remember much else after. He was not sure how he had mounted his horse, sitting lonely and exposed high above what seemed thousands of faces turned up towards him. Junsu was nearly bursting at the seams beside him as he bounced in his saddle.
They were already moving slowly towards the gate, horribly conspicious, a big spectacle before the many people gathered along the main road to catch a glimpse of him, to watch him leave his only home behind.
After many endlessly long minutes of blaring horns and shouting people, it was finally blessedly, echoingly quiet. Nothing but the sound of their horses’ hooves trodding on the path through large fields and past humble farms.
Everything had to be left behind, and he couldn't return the smile that Junsu sent in his direction. Because he felt that tears may pour out instead and he could only focus resolutely on the road, the unknown, stretching before him. A road to forever with no turning back.
******
next chapter~
A/N: what do you think?? :P hehehe