(Untitled)

[renegade_reaper]

Beat oughta known somethin' was goin' to happen. He'd gotten too comfortable where he was, too content to let things jus' happen instead of worryin'. The reminder hit him like someone had thrown a brick at him, leavin' him to jus' stare numbly at the thing he found at the foot of his bed.

The pin was exactly how he remembered it. Hanekoma had done

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[turnthebadinme]

She wasn't looking for him. Having not seen him all day, not even when she'd gone to his hut, Serena was keeping an eye out for Beat, yes, and that fact, these days, meant a little inherent panic sitting low in her. These days, that didn't mean much at all. She'd fallen into a habit of worrying over nothing, which meant refusing to worry. So she wasn't looking for him.

Out on the beach, where she wound up sooner or later most days, she was wandering aimlessly, barefoot through the sand. She'd successfully set aside all worries and cares, determinedly cheerful, until she spotted him, sitting not much further up the beach. Walking quickly toward him at first, she soon slowed and then stopped, hanging a few feet back, uncertainty bringing her relief to a crashing halt. "Beat?"

[turnthebadinme]

Serena shook her head, vehement. "We do terrible things for the people we love," she said, finally lifting her head, needing him to hear her. "That doesn't make us terrible, too. If it had been Eric..."

Maybe it was just that she hadn't been in his shoes, hadn't had to undergo all of it and so didn't know just what that entailed, but she was still sure of what she said. Thinking things through was all fine and good when there was time. When it came to saving a sibling's life, charging ahead was all that could be done. It was awful, it was, and she knew what it was to suffer the guilt of thoughtless choices, but his devotion to his sister only confirmed what she already knew - that he was good and loyal, whether or not he believed it. She knew how that part went, too.

[renegade_reaper]

Beat ain't so sure of that. She mighta looked up, be he was still lookin' down, feelin' a sorta heavy weight on his chest. In the end, it accomplished nothin' at all.

"She woulda been real mad at me for doin' it," he said, shoulders slumpin'. "I tried to make up for it, an' I was gettin' close to maybe findin' a way to help, 'till I came here. And now this place hadda send this."

He looked down at the pin again. There was still nothin' indicatin' it was special anymore. He didn't know if it was a sign of what happened in the end, or somethin' this place did. Either way, he found himself more frustrated than he had been in a long time.

"She might be gone for good, an' I'll never know," he finally murmured, jus' soundin' defeated now. "I mean, I messed up so much so far."

[turnthebadinme]

Again she shook her head, watching him now with a wide-eyed mix of worry and fear. "You can't think like that," she insisted. It was all so much still, more than she could really take in just yet, so she seized on the one thing that had entirely sunk in. The way he looked and sounded, it was almost as overwhelming as what he'd actually said, panic gripping her again. "You did what you could. No one could blame you for wanting to save her or - or for not being able to. For coming here. And neither should you. These things weren't in your control

[renegade_reaper]

Beat knew, deep down, she was right. Rhyme'd be the first one to tell him to jus' keep pushin' forward, but that didn't make the ache of her loss any easier to deal with.

"I jus' wish I knew what went down back home," he sighed, leanin' into her, now. He finally lifted his head to look at her, feelin' another sharp twist of guilt seein' how upset she looked. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell her. It was his problem to deal with, not hers. He frowned, lookin' back down again. "...An' sorry, yo. For dumpin' this on you an' all."

[turnthebadinme]

"Hey, no," she said quickly, turning her head to try and catch his eye, "no, don't be. You can tell me anything." Trying to find any pockets of potential good she could, she settled on the fact that he trusted her, that he had confided in her. In a place like this, after all, there was no reason not to go on pretending forever, but she didn't want him to feel like he had to. She didn't want to feel that way either, no matter if pretending tended to be her first choice.

Like how it was easier to think about that and him than to focus on what he'd told her, to think about how he might be dead for good somewhere. Those plans they'd made could have been wholly pointless all the while. At the time, it had seemed like a good pretend; now it just struck her as painfully childish. "I can handle it," she said, as firmly as she could. "I can. And I want to be here for you." It was the only thing she could do here.

[renegade_reaper]

After being almost positive she'd be upset about it all, he was almost unsure what to do now that she wasn't - not in the bad way, anyway. He nodded his head to show he understood, managin' to lift his gaze to hers again.

"I'm glad you found me," he said, lettin' out a kinda forced laugh. He'd thought he wanted to be alone, but suddenly that was lookin' it was the exact opposite.

[turnthebadinme]

"I'm hard to get rid of," she told him, her own attempt at a smile weak just then. It was a relief to see him look even fractionally better, but it didn't do much, in the end, to allay her fears. She could hardly think about it. It was too much to take in pieces and too much to handle all at once. It had been so stupid, all those times she'd wanted promises they would stay, knowing neither of them could ever keep their word for good. Even so, it seemed even more important now that he not leave and even less likely. He didn't have to say he wanted to go. She could guess. People always did.

[renegade_reaper]

Through all of it, she did stick by him. It was sinkin' in now, really, an' he felt the pull between here an' bein' back more strongly than ever before. He wanted to know, but at the same time, there was too much here to sit an' wish he'd be sent back.

There was nothin' he could really say to show how grateful he was he didn't lose her, too. He ain't ever been good at words, an' they were failin' him all over again. In the end, what he settled on was leanin' in to kiss the corner of her mouth, hand comin' to rest on her shoulder.

"I love you," he breathed out 'fore he even realized he said it. It didn't take him real long, though, an' he stilled immediately when he did.

[turnthebadinme]

She'd started to smile when he kissed her, more genuine, but it faded into wide-eyed bewilderment at that. Some reflex she hadn't known she possessed kicked in. She had wanted to hear those words, of course she had, and a part of her had been fighting off saying them herself - somewhere through the panic, too, it hit her that it felt good to hear him say, a flood of warmth inside the knot of confusion - but she hadn't expected it just then, not on top of everything else he'd said. She had been so sure that he was slipping away that this about-face left her staring.

It took a few seconds for her to realize what she was doing and that she hadn't said anything. She was supposed to say something. God, what kind of an idiot just sat there and didn't say anything to that? "What?" She bit her lip and winced, eyes shut tight as she took a breath. "That's not - I didn't mean -" She wanted to say it, but it seemed to stick in her throat.

[renegade_reaper]

His own panic had set in, flared up, really, 'specially when he saw her face. It'd been in his head for a while, the idea of tellin' her more than once crossin' his mind. He'd never been sure, though, never wanted to say somethin' he didn't mean, 'cause he'd never said it to anyone before an' he figured it oughta be special. He'd been caught up in all the emotions he was feelin' now, though, especially the ones that came outta realizin' she accepted him even when he expected her to push him away, to leave him with nothin' an' no one. Still, he hadn't meant to say it, not now, not even knowin' that, not after dumpin' so much on her.

"Naw, naw, it's aight," he eventually said, tryin' in vain to think of a way to reverse it all, to say it wasn't a problem if she didn't feel the same way. He'd deal with the disappointment later, 'cause he liked to think she felt the same, even if it hadn't been said. "You don't gotta apologize or nothin'. Jus'...jus' forget it."

[turnthebadinme]

"No," Serena said, shaking her head quickly, "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's - I just - I've never -" She reached out for his hands, more animated now but no less panicked as she scrambled for some way to put it right. This was crazy. It didn't make any sense to question him now when she'd trusted him, when he'd been there for her, through so much, but there it was, and anyway, it wasn't like it made sense to sit there wondering if someone was going to hate you when they'd just said they loved you.

"I do have to apologize," she continued, aware she was babbling and unable to stop herself, "I do. That was - it was a terrible thing for me to - and I should have - I'm sorry. I'm so - I mean, it's not like I didn't - oh, my god." How everyone else did this, she didn't know, but she was pretty sure she'd just ruined a good thing. Falling silent, she took a long, deep breath, looking up and biting her lip. "I thought you didn't want to be here."

Maybe it did make sense, after all. Saying 'I love you' was a lot like saying goodbye.

[renegade_reaper]

Beat jus' watched her, not sure what to think. She didn't say it back yet, an' the panickin' just made him think he was readin' it all wrong. It made the reasonin' behind why he still found himself wantin' to be here, even if he didn't know what went down back home, suddenly somethin' he wasn't sure he wanted to say.

"I -" he started, then faltered, not lookin' at her. It was too late to do much, an' he knew it. "I know I'm still there, an' even if I don't know, at least there's that. If I left here, I'd...I'd never see you again, man. An' that's somethin' I don't wanna lose, neither."

Seemed like he mighta done that anyway. He was tryin' not to think 'bout that.

[turnthebadinme]

"Oh." Somehow that made it better and worse all at the same time. Serena drew one of her hands back, pressing it against her mouth as she tried to steady herself in the face of her shifting panic. She hadn't wanted to think about that, the idea that he was dead, that he could be lost to her for good at any moment. It hurt too much to consider, but he'd just made it impossible to ignore.

Breath coming out in a gasp as her hand dropped down again, she looked over at him. "I didn't... I thought..." She stopped and found her breath again, shaking her head. "I'm just so scared of losing you."

[renegade_reaper]

Beat jus' ain't gettin' what she was thinkin'. He'd been so sure she didn't feel the same way, an' now she was sorta talkin' like she did. He was bad enough at this kinda stuff to begin with, an' she wasn't makin' it no easier.

"I dunno what I'd be doin' here without you," he spoke, voice kinda gettin' softer now. He didn't want her thinkin' he was plannin' on ditchin' her, at least, even if it wasn't how she felt. They'd been friends before everythin' that happened between them, after all. "I mean, even if - you know - even it ain't how you feel or nothin', aight?"

It ain't no time to promise anythin' he couldn't control beyond that, but it was as best he could offer up.

[turnthebadinme]

"No," Serena protested, though she knew she hadn't done anything that would have made it seem otherwise. "But it is. I do." She sighed heavily, closing her eyes tight. If nothing else, she'd managed to ruin what should have been a perfectly wonderful moment. Now that she'd caught up with herself, it hit her all over again that she had been acting like an idiot, flailing about and aimless.

"You just... you surprised me," she said after a moment. Reaching out, she brought her hand up to his cheek as she leaned in. "And I'm so bad at all of this, and no one's ever... But I do. I love you." Working up to it was more terrifying than actually saying it, which hardly made sense when he'd already taken the leap and said it first. It just seemed so much like tempting fate. Now that she had said it, though, there was a kind of relief and she looked over at him with a little smile, still worried but hopeful even so.