Return to the Afterlife Bar & Grille - Everybody Loves a Clown
Well, here we are again, eh. Its nice to see everyone tonight at our grand re-opening. I know I'm thrilled to be back... though you may feel a little different. But, let's see if we can't cheer some people up, huh? Let's get on with the first story! (waits for applause to die down) What do you say... #7014...
Hello, my name is... er, was Alonzo Papazy. But, most knew me as The Amazing Papazian, blind knife-thrower. Well, except for Titus, the Tiny Titan, who called me Barry - though I don't know why. But, there were also some... unfortunate... people who knew me as the clown who tore them to pieces.
You see, I am a Rakshasa and I feed on human flesh. Its what I do. Sure, there are some Rakshasas who live in filth and feast on spoiled food, but... well, I just find that a little more than disgusting.
I have traveled all over the United States. It is easy when you work with a traveling circus. We only stay in one town for a week or two and then pack up and leave. It suits my needs just fine.
And, with my shape-changing abilities, it is not hard to mimic the eyes of a blind man. Knife-throwers are rare - blind knife-throwers are rarer still. Finding employment with a circus is not hard when you possess freakish skills.
What's more, circus folk, carnies - they are all so used to being outcasts that they willingly band together to form a sort of surrogate family. They are fiercely loyal and will defend their own, protect their own with all that they have. They can smell their own kind, feel it like another sense, and they don't take kindly to those who try and infiltrate their ranks.
Not that I had much to worry about. No, every circus I worked with - Cooger & Dark's Pandemonium, The Chiodo Brothers' Big Top, The Red Triangle Circus, Calloway's Carnival, Bunker Brothers' Circus, and now at Cooper's - I was accepted, got the Gooble Gobble... One of Us seal of approval. That brotherhood pulled me out of a few sticky situations in the past. Oh, not that I was truly worried, but its always nice to know who your friends are.
I performed my act at the top of every hour, leaving me plenty of time to look over the buffet. No one spared me a glance as I walked through the crowd. After all, no one thought I could glance back. So, while they were playing their games, buying their hot dogs and cotton candy, I was taking stock. I had become particular in my tastes and felt I could look around until I found what I wanted:
a child between the ages of 7 and 11 (old enough not to be frightened, trusting enough to let me in)
accompanied by two adults (I don't care if they are the actual parents so long as they will be sleeping in the same room later on)
Then came the day when two fellas walked into my tent, one asking if I had seen Mr. Cooper. Well, I may not really be blind, but I could still smell the trouble pouring off of those two as if the sense was heightened. So, I told the guy off - did the whole 'enraged blind man' bit. You know: is that a blind joke? Have I seen Cooper?
And better yet, in walks Titus asking if there's a problem and the guy puts his foot in his mouth again. Just a little understanding, he says. Well, Titus can get a bit testy at times and he honed in on that word: little. Started threatening with his cudgel right then and there.
I thought that, between the two of us, we scared the fellas off. No such luck. I happened upon the tactless guy at the fairgrounds, wearing a Cooper jacket, talking on his cell phone about human bones and EMF and what-not. When I confronted him, he gave me some rigmarole about how he and his brother were writing a book about ghosts or some nonsense. Well, not the ghost part - the 'writing a book' part was nonsense.
I decided not to call him on the lie, play it cool for the time being. After all, one more meal and I could lay low, be home free, no one would be the wiser - and, even if they were, they certainly couldn't prove anything.
I found the perfect target that day - perfect for the meal, perfect because it didn't give those boys any time to figure things out. But these guys... two days and I was wrong about them twice. Thought I was in the clear, I was on my way down the hallway to the main course, when out of nowhere comes the bigger guy. He grabbed the kid just in time for his brother to shoot me in the chest. However, the gun was filled with rock salt - it couldn't kill me but it sure did hurt like hell.
Now these two were really on my last nerve. Disrupting my life... interfering with my meal... not like I was going to need another one for the next couple decades. I needed to find a way to get them fired or something - anything to get them away. They were just too close. But, I'd never had such a problem before. Cops, I could deal with... but these guys...
I was trying to come up with a plan when the shorter fella comes up to me, asks me if I have a brass dagger. Kid didn't know it, but boy did he just show his hand to the wrong guy. Thinking quick as I led him to my office/quarters, I finally hit on the obvious solution. I need to be rid of these two guys; I need another two-course meal... two birds, one stone, as they say.
Told the kid to look in my trunk for a dagger that I knew he wouldn't find. Also knew what he would find - my clown wig and costume. I saw the look on his face the instant he figured me out. Priceless. Also showed him a couple of my little tricks, namely my seeing eyes and my vanishing act. And, if that wasn't enough, I took a couple shots at him to keep him good and scared. Should of seen the relief when he finally got the door open, thinking he got away. Not too bright. I've been a professional knife thrower for years! If I wanted to hit him, I would have.
I followed the guys - yeah, the short one caught up with the tall one - to the fun house. Guess they thought they could trap me or something, but its funny how many tricks and secrets you get to see when you're blind. I already knew where all the trap doors were, and all the levers to operate them. I separated them but the smaller fella found his way to the bigger one again.
Yep, they were trouble. I had the advantage of being invisible, but I wanted to make sure of my edge. While the one worked on tearing apart the steam organ for whatever reason, I pinned the other to the wall with a couple of well placed knives. Now, I could deal with the big guy one-on-one.
Of course, I had already come to the conclusion that these two weren't like any of the typical couples I come across - you know, I tear into one while the other is frozen in fear, just waiting his or her turn to be next. What I didn't consider was that these two had a couple of tricks of their own.
I couldn't figure out why the immobilized guy turned up the fog - level the playing field, I guess. They couldn't see me so they tried to hide as well? Yeah, I only had a second or two to come up with that one because, suddenly, the one's calling out my location to the other. I was about to strike from behind, when the tall guy jams that broken off piece of pipe into my belly. And wouldn't you know it? Brass.
Well, the show may go on folks, but after that... I don't.