Fic: Heartless (Part 4/4)
Title: Heartless
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ten, TARDIS, Ianto
Rating: NC-17 (Part 1); PG-13 (Parts 2-4)
Spoilers: Maybe a bit for "Doomsday," obliquely.
Summary: Finding and losing.
Notes: Finally finished, and I'm scandalised at how long the final chapter took me to write (well, re-write, about 15 times). Still not entirely convinced that rewrite #16 was right, ultimately, so please let me know how it feels.
*Also part of my doctorwho_100 challenge ... because how could it not be? Prompt # 17: Blue (Prompt chart is here.)
(Part One)
(Part Two)
(Part Three)
Part Four
He knew he shouldn't have been there. It was entirely his own fault, Ianto reflected, leaning against Jack's desk in the sudden quiet after they left. I should have excused myself, he thought. I should have said, 'Always nice to meet an old friend of the Captain, we've certainly enjoyed baby-sitting your - ship, is it? How very odd. Well, do drop in again, and Jack, I'll be downstairs if you need me.' I should have gone for coffee. I should have walked out.
Ianto sighed.
I should have walked away. The minute he walked in. I meant to - I would have done but ...
"Coming home, then?" the man had asked, and the Captain had frozen. It was the look in Jack's eyes, Ianto had to admit it, that had made him linger discreetly next to the filing cabinet and watch and listen and try to understand. The woman had stepped into the stranger's embrace, and over her head the man met Jack's gaze.
"You're alive," he said to Jack, and Ianto wondered briefly at the shock and the joy in the man's voice.
Jack looked at him silently, distrust, anger, desire glittering in his eyes. "You're ... different," he said finally. The man had smiled, held Jack's gaze a moment longer, and looked down at the woman in his arms.
"And you're ... hmmm," he trailed off and regarded her. "Is this really what I thought you'd look like?"
"A bit," she answered. "I did have some say in it."
He ran his hand lightly across her cheek, coiled a tendril of hair around his finger. "And you decided to be ginger all on your own, then?" he asked.
She laughed. "Doctor! You're not jealous of your own ship?" He grinned at her, tilted her face up to his own, and kissed her hungrily. Ianto had watched Jack watch them, hovering protectively - though whether Jack was being protective of the woman or of this Doctor, Ianto couldn't have said.
They parted and the Doctor smiled down at her. "Let's get you home." He looked to Jack and reached to him. "Coming?"
Jack said nothing, his eyes veiled, and the Doctor withdrew the hand, covering his - was it embarrassment? The man had been so difficult to read, he seemed to be doing three different things at once even while just standing there, and Ianto hadn't been able to tell exactly what he was thinking - but he had stepped away, arms crossed, rocking back on his heels, and nodded towards the woman.
"Let's get her back to the TARDIS," he said. "After that, we'll sort all the rest of this out, all right?"
"The rest? The rest of what, exactly?"
"Well, for instance - your not being dead."
"And your apparently being the Doctor, somehow? Can we talk about that, too?"
"It's him, Jack," the woman said. "You know it is. He regenerated. It's what - "
"It's what Time Lords do, yeah," Jack interrupted. Ianto pressed further back against the wall as Jack turned and grabbed his greatcoat off the back of a chair. "You might have said something before now, though. About how he's an entirely different person and all."
"I'm not," the Doctor insisted. "It's still me. Well, mostly. Same memories, same man ... different teeth, though. And more hair," he added thoughtfully, as Jack shrugged into his coat.
"That's kind of the point, that whole different-teeth-more-hair thing. She could have at least told me!"
"It didn't occur to me," the woman said. "Physical appearance never mattered, Jack, I'm a ship, how would I possibly - " Jack glared at her in frustration. "He's still the same Doctor you fell in love with!" she said, exasperated. Eyes widening in embarrassment, Jack strode out of the office without a backward glance, the woman hurrying after him.
Ianto had waited, heart pounding miserably, as the Doctor turned and met his eyes with an even, quiet gaze. Ianto opened his mouth to say - something, anything, he had no idea what, exactly, he had been going to say - when suddenly the woman's voice had echoed in from the Hub:
"Well what does it matter anyway? He's still in love with you!"
The Doctor grinned briefly at Ianto and broke into a run after them.
Alone in the office, Ianto leaned against Jack's desk and sighed. It's my own fault, he thought. I should have walked away.
***
The TARDIS was the same, at least: a ridiculous, beautiful blue box parked incongruously in the shadow of the Millennium Centre. Jack traced the letters of the sign tacked to its battered door. 'Advice and assistance obtainable immediately,' he read ironically. Except it wasn't quite 'immediately,' was it? More like a couple lifetimes ... He glanced back at the Doctor, standing nearby with his arm around Blue, both of them watching Jack with identically unreadable expressions. Wordlessly, Blue glanced at the pocket of Jack's coat as he reached automatically for the key that was still - was always - inside. The small bit of metal was warm to his touch. Jack turned back to the ship, slipped the key in the lock, and pushed open the door.
His heart pounded as he stood for a moment, simply staring. Then with a whoop of joy he bounded inside and up the ramp, feeling the ship surround him like an embrace. Yes, he thought, it's right - this is right, turning back to the door as Blue stepped inside.
"Oh," she whispered, gazing about unblinkingly.
The Doctor ambled up behind her, slipping his arms around her waist, and leaned his chin on her shoulder. "How's it look from this side?" he asked softly, looking up with her to the vast ceiling of the control room. She considered.
"Small," she said finally.
"Small! What do you mean, small?"
"Well ... It's bigger from the inside."
He gaped at her, speechless, as Jack burst out laughing. "And I'll thank you to keep quiet, Captain!" the Doctor grinned across at him. Jack felt the breath catch in his throat at the too-familiar look in the strange brown eyes, and turned away to run a hand over the ship's console.
"You found us," Blue murmured to the Doctor, reaching up to pull him close, whispering to him with her lips against his. I found you. They spoke wordlessly, soundlessly, kissed desperately, still reaching for one another and the Doctor felt his hearts pounding as he held her impossibly closer and looked into the wide grey unblinking eyes. Don't leave me alone again, he told her. Ever.
Don't lose me again.
Never, he promised. I can't do this without you. Don't want to. You're all I have - he felt her smile and maybe, she told him, maybe we'll always be alone and maybe we're all we'll ever have and maybe that's the way but maybe -
Maybe.
From across the room Jack felt their gaze and turned to them; from across the room she looked into his eyes and stretched her hand to him. Almost unconsciously he stepped towards her.
A moment later she was gone.
***
"There you are."
Startled, Ianto looked up suddenly, the cups he'd been holding clattering into the sink. Jack grimaced guiltily and stepped into the narrow galley kitchen. "Sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you," he said. "Let me get those."
"No, you - you don't have to, it's fine."
"Really. I don't mind," he insisted, turning on the tap. "Hand me the soap?" Wordlessly Ianto passed him the bottle. Jack squirted pink liquid into the sink and watched the suds rise. "Hey," he chuckled suddenly, "remember that night we hosed out the cells and accidentally filled one with bubbles? I don't think I've ever been that clean and that dirty at the same time in my life ... " He caught Ianto's eye and trailed off, turned back to the sink and busied himself with the washing up.
"So," Ianto asked carefully, rolling down his sleeves, "is everything ... cleared up?"
Jack flicked a glance at him and nodded. "All settled."
"Good." He took his suit jacket from a hook on the wall and brushed off an invisible bit of fluff. "That's good. Oh, while you were gone yesterday Owen finally finished dissecting that Chelonian we've had in the freezer for the last six months. I'm sure he'll get the report done sometime in the next six months, just as soon as he's finished the three dozen or so other ones he's yet to get to. And the security updates went through; everything seems to be working so far, although there's apparently a concern that the cameras on level five could short out if we get a power surge - "
"Ianto. Look at me."
"Captain?"
Jack sighed and shook the suds off his hands. "I need to talk to you. I have to explain something."
He stared back levelly, thinking, Don't explain. I know. Don't talk, don't tell me, I don't want to hear it. "Of course, Captain."
"Stop with the captain bullshit, Ianto, it's me. I have to explain - " Jack stopped, raked a wet hand through his hair, and looked up into his eyes. "I'm going," he said simply. "I'm going away. I've already told the others. I'll be gone for a while, maybe for good, I don't know. But ... I'm leaving." His blue eyes were so very clear and bright - Ianto reached to brush a stray soap sud from Jack's hair, nodded slowly, ran his fingers gently along Jack's cheek. Sighed.
"With him," he said quietly. "With that - Doctor." Jack nodded. "He's it, he's what you've been looking for all this time. Isn't he?" Jack nodded again. "Then there's nothing to explain. It's right." Lightly, he traced Jack's lips with his fingertips. "You haven't seemed this calm in .... well, ever. It's right, Jack. Most people don't find what they're looking for. When you do - "
"You have to go with it."
"Yes."
Jack reached for him, drew him close. "You'll find it too," he whispered. "Whatever it is."
"I already did. More than once, in fact."
"Then it can happen again."
"Jack." Ianto smiled. "Kiss me goodbye."
***
The Doctor was waiting for him alone in the control room.
Not alone. Jack could feel her everywhere: the heart of the ship beat around them, the TARDIS throbbed with life, and as the Doctor glanced up at him he read fullness and contentment in his warm brown eyes. Jack crossed to stand beside him, resting his fingers lightly on the ship's console.
"You came back," the Doctor said.
"So did you."
His hand closed over Jack's and for a moment they stood, bathed in the liquid green glow of the time rotor. Jack closed his eyes, feeling the deep mechanical thrum beneath his palms and the Doctor's hand, cool and strong, on his. He breathed in slowly and opened his eyes to find the Doctor beaming at him. Jack grinned and reached to him, pulling him close, feeling the new body in his arms, unfamiliar and comforting, the two hearts beating against his chest.
"Doctor," he whispered.
"Captain."
"I guess ... we have some catching up to do."
"We do," the Doctor murmured, finding Jack's lips with his own, "and plenty of time to do it in, too."
Soundlessly, gently, the heart of the TARDIS beat around them.
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ten, TARDIS, Ianto
Rating: NC-17 (Part 1); PG-13 (Parts 2-4)
Spoilers: Maybe a bit for "Doomsday," obliquely.
Summary: Finding and losing.
Notes: Finally finished, and I'm scandalised at how long the final chapter took me to write (well, re-write, about 15 times). Still not entirely convinced that rewrite #16 was right, ultimately, so please let me know how it feels.
*Also part of my doctorwho_100 challenge ... because how could it not be? Prompt # 17: Blue (Prompt chart is here.)
(Part One)
(Part Two)
(Part Three)
Part Four
He knew he shouldn't have been there. It was entirely his own fault, Ianto reflected, leaning against Jack's desk in the sudden quiet after they left. I should have excused myself, he thought. I should have said, 'Always nice to meet an old friend of the Captain, we've certainly enjoyed baby-sitting your - ship, is it? How very odd. Well, do drop in again, and Jack, I'll be downstairs if you need me.' I should have gone for coffee. I should have walked out.
Ianto sighed.
I should have walked away. The minute he walked in. I meant to - I would have done but ...
"Coming home, then?" the man had asked, and the Captain had frozen. It was the look in Jack's eyes, Ianto had to admit it, that had made him linger discreetly next to the filing cabinet and watch and listen and try to understand. The woman had stepped into the stranger's embrace, and over her head the man met Jack's gaze.
"You're alive," he said to Jack, and Ianto wondered briefly at the shock and the joy in the man's voice.
Jack looked at him silently, distrust, anger, desire glittering in his eyes. "You're ... different," he said finally. The man had smiled, held Jack's gaze a moment longer, and looked down at the woman in his arms.
"And you're ... hmmm," he trailed off and regarded her. "Is this really what I thought you'd look like?"
"A bit," she answered. "I did have some say in it."
He ran his hand lightly across her cheek, coiled a tendril of hair around his finger. "And you decided to be ginger all on your own, then?" he asked.
She laughed. "Doctor! You're not jealous of your own ship?" He grinned at her, tilted her face up to his own, and kissed her hungrily. Ianto had watched Jack watch them, hovering protectively - though whether Jack was being protective of the woman or of this Doctor, Ianto couldn't have said.
They parted and the Doctor smiled down at her. "Let's get you home." He looked to Jack and reached to him. "Coming?"
Jack said nothing, his eyes veiled, and the Doctor withdrew the hand, covering his - was it embarrassment? The man had been so difficult to read, he seemed to be doing three different things at once even while just standing there, and Ianto hadn't been able to tell exactly what he was thinking - but he had stepped away, arms crossed, rocking back on his heels, and nodded towards the woman.
"Let's get her back to the TARDIS," he said. "After that, we'll sort all the rest of this out, all right?"
"The rest? The rest of what, exactly?"
"Well, for instance - your not being dead."
"And your apparently being the Doctor, somehow? Can we talk about that, too?"
"It's him, Jack," the woman said. "You know it is. He regenerated. It's what - "
"It's what Time Lords do, yeah," Jack interrupted. Ianto pressed further back against the wall as Jack turned and grabbed his greatcoat off the back of a chair. "You might have said something before now, though. About how he's an entirely different person and all."
"I'm not," the Doctor insisted. "It's still me. Well, mostly. Same memories, same man ... different teeth, though. And more hair," he added thoughtfully, as Jack shrugged into his coat.
"That's kind of the point, that whole different-teeth-more-hair thing. She could have at least told me!"
"It didn't occur to me," the woman said. "Physical appearance never mattered, Jack, I'm a ship, how would I possibly - " Jack glared at her in frustration. "He's still the same Doctor you fell in love with!" she said, exasperated. Eyes widening in embarrassment, Jack strode out of the office without a backward glance, the woman hurrying after him.
Ianto had waited, heart pounding miserably, as the Doctor turned and met his eyes with an even, quiet gaze. Ianto opened his mouth to say - something, anything, he had no idea what, exactly, he had been going to say - when suddenly the woman's voice had echoed in from the Hub:
"Well what does it matter anyway? He's still in love with you!"
The Doctor grinned briefly at Ianto and broke into a run after them.
Alone in the office, Ianto leaned against Jack's desk and sighed. It's my own fault, he thought. I should have walked away.
***
The TARDIS was the same, at least: a ridiculous, beautiful blue box parked incongruously in the shadow of the Millennium Centre. Jack traced the letters of the sign tacked to its battered door. 'Advice and assistance obtainable immediately,' he read ironically. Except it wasn't quite 'immediately,' was it? More like a couple lifetimes ... He glanced back at the Doctor, standing nearby with his arm around Blue, both of them watching Jack with identically unreadable expressions. Wordlessly, Blue glanced at the pocket of Jack's coat as he reached automatically for the key that was still - was always - inside. The small bit of metal was warm to his touch. Jack turned back to the ship, slipped the key in the lock, and pushed open the door.
His heart pounded as he stood for a moment, simply staring. Then with a whoop of joy he bounded inside and up the ramp, feeling the ship surround him like an embrace. Yes, he thought, it's right - this is right, turning back to the door as Blue stepped inside.
"Oh," she whispered, gazing about unblinkingly.
The Doctor ambled up behind her, slipping his arms around her waist, and leaned his chin on her shoulder. "How's it look from this side?" he asked softly, looking up with her to the vast ceiling of the control room. She considered.
"Small," she said finally.
"Small! What do you mean, small?"
"Well ... It's bigger from the inside."
He gaped at her, speechless, as Jack burst out laughing. "And I'll thank you to keep quiet, Captain!" the Doctor grinned across at him. Jack felt the breath catch in his throat at the too-familiar look in the strange brown eyes, and turned away to run a hand over the ship's console.
"You found us," Blue murmured to the Doctor, reaching up to pull him close, whispering to him with her lips against his. I found you. They spoke wordlessly, soundlessly, kissed desperately, still reaching for one another and the Doctor felt his hearts pounding as he held her impossibly closer and looked into the wide grey unblinking eyes. Don't leave me alone again, he told her. Ever.
Don't lose me again.
Never, he promised. I can't do this without you. Don't want to. You're all I have - he felt her smile and maybe, she told him, maybe we'll always be alone and maybe we're all we'll ever have and maybe that's the way but maybe -
Maybe.
From across the room Jack felt their gaze and turned to them; from across the room she looked into his eyes and stretched her hand to him. Almost unconsciously he stepped towards her.
A moment later she was gone.
***
"There you are."
Startled, Ianto looked up suddenly, the cups he'd been holding clattering into the sink. Jack grimaced guiltily and stepped into the narrow galley kitchen. "Sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you," he said. "Let me get those."
"No, you - you don't have to, it's fine."
"Really. I don't mind," he insisted, turning on the tap. "Hand me the soap?" Wordlessly Ianto passed him the bottle. Jack squirted pink liquid into the sink and watched the suds rise. "Hey," he chuckled suddenly, "remember that night we hosed out the cells and accidentally filled one with bubbles? I don't think I've ever been that clean and that dirty at the same time in my life ... " He caught Ianto's eye and trailed off, turned back to the sink and busied himself with the washing up.
"So," Ianto asked carefully, rolling down his sleeves, "is everything ... cleared up?"
Jack flicked a glance at him and nodded. "All settled."
"Good." He took his suit jacket from a hook on the wall and brushed off an invisible bit of fluff. "That's good. Oh, while you were gone yesterday Owen finally finished dissecting that Chelonian we've had in the freezer for the last six months. I'm sure he'll get the report done sometime in the next six months, just as soon as he's finished the three dozen or so other ones he's yet to get to. And the security updates went through; everything seems to be working so far, although there's apparently a concern that the cameras on level five could short out if we get a power surge - "
"Ianto. Look at me."
"Captain?"
Jack sighed and shook the suds off his hands. "I need to talk to you. I have to explain something."
He stared back levelly, thinking, Don't explain. I know. Don't talk, don't tell me, I don't want to hear it. "Of course, Captain."
"Stop with the captain bullshit, Ianto, it's me. I have to explain - " Jack stopped, raked a wet hand through his hair, and looked up into his eyes. "I'm going," he said simply. "I'm going away. I've already told the others. I'll be gone for a while, maybe for good, I don't know. But ... I'm leaving." His blue eyes were so very clear and bright - Ianto reached to brush a stray soap sud from Jack's hair, nodded slowly, ran his fingers gently along Jack's cheek. Sighed.
"With him," he said quietly. "With that - Doctor." Jack nodded. "He's it, he's what you've been looking for all this time. Isn't he?" Jack nodded again. "Then there's nothing to explain. It's right." Lightly, he traced Jack's lips with his fingertips. "You haven't seemed this calm in .... well, ever. It's right, Jack. Most people don't find what they're looking for. When you do - "
"You have to go with it."
"Yes."
Jack reached for him, drew him close. "You'll find it too," he whispered. "Whatever it is."
"I already did. More than once, in fact."
"Then it can happen again."
"Jack." Ianto smiled. "Kiss me goodbye."
***
The Doctor was waiting for him alone in the control room.
Not alone. Jack could feel her everywhere: the heart of the ship beat around them, the TARDIS throbbed with life, and as the Doctor glanced up at him he read fullness and contentment in his warm brown eyes. Jack crossed to stand beside him, resting his fingers lightly on the ship's console.
"You came back," the Doctor said.
"So did you."
His hand closed over Jack's and for a moment they stood, bathed in the liquid green glow of the time rotor. Jack closed his eyes, feeling the deep mechanical thrum beneath his palms and the Doctor's hand, cool and strong, on his. He breathed in slowly and opened his eyes to find the Doctor beaming at him. Jack grinned and reached to him, pulling him close, feeling the new body in his arms, unfamiliar and comforting, the two hearts beating against his chest.
"Doctor," he whispered.
"Captain."
"I guess ... we have some catching up to do."
"We do," the Doctor murmured, finding Jack's lips with his own, "and plenty of time to do it in, too."
Soundlessly, gently, the heart of the TARDIS beat around them.