(no subject)
character info
Player Information
Name: Nino
Age: Twenty
AIM SN: dreams of prospit
email: ninopalooza@gmail.com
Have you played in an LJ based game before? Yup! Lots of them since 2007/2008ish.
Currrently Played Characters: N/A!
Conditional: Official Reserve Link: bam!
Character Information
General
Canon Source: MSPA: Homestuck
Canon Format: the most extensive Webcomic that ever existed?
Character's Name: Dave Strider
Character's Age: Thirteen.
Conditional: If your character is 13 years of age or under, please clarify how they will be played.
Dave was brought up by his older brother to be pretty tough, and that includes the use of real weapons, however ironic they may or not have been. It's not uncommon for Dave to take a beatdown or two or three for the sake of toughening him up, but it took until Sburb for Dave to figure out the exact purpose of all that. He's had to defend himself from imps and other various hazards through both the use of his skill with the blade and his time shenanigans, and he's pretty much a professional at it, so long as he doesn't try taking on certain individuals beyond his skill level. By his canon point he's reached the top of his echeladder and has been said to have experienced a greater time in-game than anyone else (roughly 3 days' equivalent although the game itself only takes place is one), gaining a mastery of his skills and most likely maxing out his badassery (although he has yet to reach God Tier since he's not able to face his own death).
He can take a few monsters, or at least skillfully avoid them, it really doesn't phase him.
What form will your character's NV take? Terezi's red blind person glasses! Which for the sake of functionality will work much like his iShades did (like an iPhone only ... built into a pair of sunglasses), translating voice into his text quirk if he so chooses and also recording video via an extendable camera attachment on the arm of the glasses. He'll still have his regular Ben Stiller shades on his person for later, though. ;)
Abilities
Character's Canon Abilities:
Although Dave is physically skillful and nimble in many ways more than the other kids in Homestuck, his only real "power" is the ability to travel through time. As the Knight of Time, Dave is able to create time loops in order to influence the events of the future, which means he can go back or forward as needed. He does this by scratching a pair of floating records set on rotating gears, called Timetables. He's also able to use this skill to mess with time during battles, giving him the upper hand. Furthermore, because of the varying timelines, multiple Daves are apt to be spawned or to be seen hopping back and forth between past and present, which gets pretty confusing. Any Dave that is following the concurrent timeline is considered an "Alpha Dave," which the one I am playing is one of I think, jesus. Most of the ones that are spawned by certain choices made involving time travel end up dead. What a weird coincidence!
So the short version is he can control the flow of time for himself as he sees fit. And that's all there really is to say on the matter.
Conditional: If your character has no superhuman canon abilities, what dormant ability will you give them? I'm going to be making his time shenanigans dormant outside of battle. No breaking the space and time of ljrp, Dave.
Weapons:
Dave's Strife Specibus is initially Bladekind, later ½bladekind when his shitty ninja sword is broken in two during a confrontation with Bro. Through time shenanigans he can alternate between the two, however. Upon entry to the Port, Dave will be in possession of the Broken Caledscratch, given to him by an alternate self.
History/Personality/Plans/etc.
Character History: it's only a little more confusing than this app is.
Point in Canon: Just after this page, before departing from Bro's side to go get up to any other frog-related shenanigans that may or may not result in an untimely demise!
Character Personality:
One cannot simply describe the finer nuances of Dave. No. One must be a Strider to stride along the boulevards of Strider comprehension.
Okay, no, who am I kidding, he's pretty much transparent. It just takes a little bit of squinting and an appreciation for "you keep using that word; I don't think it means what you think it does" regarding the idea of irony. So basically if you've ever listened to "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette, take that, flip it, make some smartass comments about it, indulge it just for the hilarity, and set it to red text and there you go. Irony a la Strider.
Dave's life basically revolves around being cool. Not just looking cool while secretly being a bit of a failure on the inside like your typical anime trope, no. He wants to basically be the embodiment of downright enviable full-stop cool. And he's pretty good about making that happen. This probably has a lot to do with who raised him, given that his older brother (who is actually technically his genetic father; please don't get me started on ectobiology), aptly named Bro, is already the epitome of a cool douchebag. It's all in the walk, not the talk. But Bro, and subsequently his little however-partly-unintentional prodigy, have got both. For the majority of Dave's young life he wears a pair of Ironic Anime Shades resembling the ones Bro wears and often emulates his habits and interests in many ways; it isn't until John gives Dave a pair of authentic Ben Stiller sunglasses for his thirteenth birthday that Dave really begins to deviate into his own special flavor of Strider.
The shades and the way his Bro's puppets begin to freak him out a bit, anyway. Also thanks to John's influence. Puppets are one of the only few things that actually unnerve Dave, which is a slow progression in canon from just being vaguely creeped out to an outright enraged outburst after being covered in them at one point. This may be caused in part by one puppet in particular called Lil' Cal, which happens to be present the room where Dave's dream self sleeps, causing the waking world Dave to sometimes have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat.
So, of course, Bro finds ways to troll Dave with puppets all the damn time.
One of the other very few things that shake Dave's otherwise unshakeable composure is death. When handling it around others he maintains his flat and infallibly cool and calm demeanor, making quips about it and essentially being very roundabout in his feelings regarding it, but has been shown to be "unable to face" the notion of his own death, even when doing so would allow him to ascend to a higher level of power. Similarly, when he comes upon the corpse of an alternate version of himself during a time loop, he is visibly disturbed and cannot stop staring at the blood, and is also notably "freaked out" by having to dispose of his own body (by tossing it out a window and into a pit of lava). He also doesn't deal very well with the deaths of others, from the accidental maiming of a Rambunctious Crow ("no one must ever know about this") to discovering the bodies of his friends and, later on, Bro, impaled by his own sword. When asked if he is sad or broken up about it by Terezi he leads her on a completely roundabout and noncommittal wild goose chase without ever giving up an actual answer.
It's pretty apparent when he tries to Break, though, and upon failing to do so, lets himself lay on the ground face-down and unhappily tells Terezi to leave him alone.
In Dave's book, downplaying feelings is the quintessential rule of cool. So it isn't that he doesn't have them or feel them very strongly; he just doesn't communicate them outright very well. His actions speak for themselves, but his words are a conundrum, a mixture of sarcastic and sincere and sometimes outright lies in order to save face. He hasn't been shown to outright lose it around anyone, and as long as he has a say in the matter, that's how it'll stay. Bro brought him up to be tough, to hold that unshakeable wit or bust, and Dave doesn't normally have a problem with doing so. In fact, outwardly, Dave reacts pretty well to the nightmare that is Sburb, though most of that is due to his arrogant tendency to flat out reject things that don't fit into his mold and continue blindly pushing forward in whatever direction he's headed, regardless of whether this could put him into a bad spot.
Some of that blindly pushing forward is caused in part by being an easily-influenced person. He takes cues from others to structure his idea of cool, but things like John's opinions and Terezi's influence on him have been shown to massively direct what he does, though he never makes a point of showing it or saying so. Dave may have a massively hard time remembering things, since he forgets what he's doing at the time during quite a few moments in the storyline (at one point he even forgets that he was supposed to forget something), but when he is set on a task, he is pretty dead set about it. Again, sometimes literally, because many of his alternate timeline selves are killed as a result of a generally bad decision or some poor advice that he followed (thanks a lot, Terezi). After finding Bro dead he expresses that he feels weird for being the only one angry enough to want to go after Jack Noir and make him, and other such mutinous agents, pay by "putting them in the slammer," and notes that each of his friends all have their own reasons for not dropping what they're doing to make this happen, whereas he himself feels that they should all quit tiptoeing around the big problem and face it head-on. A lot of this might be grief talking, but Dave later makes a point of wanting to be the one to sacrifice himself for his friends to put a stop to things, so, again, you never know when he's actually being serious.
On the subject of his friends, Dave is actually quite close to them, despite how detached he can be from them all at times. Even Rose, who he maintains his distance with in order to avoid being psychoanalyzed by her, understands him in a way that doesn't need to be said, the same as John and Jade. They influence him in many ways, as does Terezi, his "patron troll" and the only one that he really cares about at all. It's easy for Dave to joke around them whether they appreciate his humor or not and he has been shown to resort to texting them to "calm his neves" during a moment when a possible puppet-induced freakout is imminent. With John in particular, he seems to share a number of interests, despite how often Dave berates him for liking stupid shit like Nic Cage movies (the reverse often holds true, although not quite as much, I guess because there isn't a lot to say about photography and weirdly preserving dead things and rapping on the fly while laying down some seriously ill jams on the turntables). The four kids really care about each other a lot, and it says something about Dave in particular that he would be willing to give himself up for the rest of them, despite that his apparent fear of his own death.
So overall Dave is kind of a mess of tropes and notions of cool, shooting off pop culture references and starting some sick fires in the form of the noble art of slam poetry to get his point across (or just to fill the airspace, who knows). He does things "ironically," which is really just that something is uncool but treating it as cool therefore makes it ironic and subsequently cool in this way, and never seems to be able to take things seriously except for when he is, just ha-ha you can't tell if that's what if he's doing or if he's just being a jackass. He keeps his bizarrely candy red eye hidden behind a pair of stylish shades and keeps his tone and expression flat, but there are lot of feelings going on beneath the surface there. Dave just doctors them up with tropes and irony labels before he lets them fly. And if it takes people awhile to get it--if they never get it, even--that's cool. He's got plenty of time on his side.
Character Plans: Considering the nature of Dave's canon material and personality, I think a more mature setting is just the right place to play him. As easy as it would be to mold him into a more lighthearted setting, I think I'd be able to roll with the survival horror theme a lot better and not have to feel like I'm taking the character out of his context and element, if... that makes any sense. But other than that, I don't have a solid direction for him, other than exploring his reaction to both the lighter and the darker side of the impending gameplay here. 8)
Appearance/PB: sprite | alpha | hero mode | dreamself
Writing Samples
First Person Sample
-- turntechGodhead [ TG ] began pestering shittyKidnapper [ SK ] --
TG: what
TG: the fuck
TG: is going on
TG: look ok i know the temptation to hijack a coolkid is hard to resist but its basically a goddamn faux pas to bring a guest to a kidnapping party that didnt rsvp first
TG: jesus learn some manners
TG: i mean i guess its cool if you think youre doing me a favor
TG: dont worry dave you dont have to check out your dead bro anymore cause now youre somewhere else look see how helpful i am do i get a treat now
TG: fuck you
TG: no
TG: you dont get a treat
TG: the only thing im handing out is some cold hard beatdowns to whatever chucklefuck wants to play around
TG: also possibly a reward if anyone happens to notice a pair of sweet ironic shades laying around
TG: theyre mine
TG: these arent
TG: actually im pretty sure i know whose these are and i can appreciate the irony but if i wanted to walk around seeing literally everything in bright fucking red id just gouge my eyes out and save myself the trouble of looking like a tool in these things
TG: at least then itd make sense for me to be wearing them
TG: only blind people wear blind people glasses its a fact of life any chump 1st grader off the playground can tell you that much
TG: jesus christ get with the picture
TG: worst goddamn kidnapper ever
TG: like even shittier than the guys from home alone and all their bullshit petty theft shenanigans
TG: seriously i want to know how the fuck two grown men get their asses handed to them by like a toddler for five movies straight
TG: more importantly though
TG: what kind of fucking parents leave their kid alone in a house that criminals are just irresistibly drawn to for five movies straight
TG: youd think after the first time theyd be like so imagine if our 8 year old werent clever enough to think of all these rudimentary booby traps
TG: not like the house is all fucked up or anything so obviously he cant be telling the truth
TG: kids make up stories about this shit all the time no big deal officer
TG: what the fuck were those guys after anyway
TG: obviously we'll never know as long as the day keeps getting saved by grade schoolers
TG: guess i should hire a grade schooler to ruin some kidnapper shit for me about now
TG: any takers
Third Person Sample
The kid really doesn't look like much. He's thin, a little ungainly looking in his skinny jeans with his tousled hair and his no one gives a fuck expression and the dark shades hiding freakishly discolored eyes, red as the sleeves on his shirt, bright as the blood in his veins. He's totally relaxed and apparently oblivious to the danger despite that they're looking right at each other. In his hand is a weapon, but it's broken, snapped in half and completely useless, in the creature's unprofessional opinion. Nothing about this child says anything to him in the way of "threat." All it sees is "dinner." The silent face-off lasts a full minute and then the beast's nostrils flare and it lunges all at once, overcome by the candy smell of candy organs pumping sweet, sweet candy blood all throughout this little candy human body. It takes a running start and leaps into the air, mouth wide open as if to swallow the boy whole.
But he's gone. The beast's jaws close on nothing but air, skidding in the dirt and whirling fast. There he is, over there! Lunge.
No, now he's over here! Lunge.
Here! No, here! Over here! Right behind you! To the left! Look up!
The monster is taking such a beating from the broken sword that it had previously dubbed as harmless, and so rapidly. The boy is inordinately dextrous; even its keen animalistic eyes can't follow his movements, and he seems to be disappearing and reappearing elsewhere. Every movement is unpredictable on his part, and yet he seems to know exactly which way the beast is going to go before he goes there. It feints left, the boy is already on the right, striking down hard with his shattered blade that still manages to cut through almost to the bone. There's pungent, discolored blood everywhere and not a single drop of it is candy red.
In a last-ditch effort, the beast goes berserk. It charges viciously, teeth gnashing and claws swiping, ignoring the waves of pain, the way it slides in a puddle of its own blood as it surely closes its teeth on the boy's arm-and a spatter of bright red flows into its mouth, hot and delicious, but it doesn't hear a human howl of pain. It hears its own. Something stabs into its flank and sends it flying, tearing the skin of the boy's arm as it's hurled away, but it rolls in midair and lands on its feet, snarling. Who dares intrude upon its hunt? Its prey?
It's the boy. There are two of them, identical. And then a flash, and beside it, another. And another. The only one that looks any different is the one with the bloodied arm, and that's the one the beast goes after. But it's surrounded by that human child, mirror copies of him all armed with a broken blade, flashing and reappearing so rapidly that it can't follow, can't keep track, and soon can't see at all because something slashes right across its eyes. Just as the world goes dark and it falls, there is a brief moment of startling clarity, and fifteen images of the boy standing side-by-side slide together into one, bloody arm, bloody sword, bloody flecks of beast fur on his face. They all become one in a moment's notice and the beast staggers one last time as the boy walks toward it with his sword, suddenly sharp, whole, intact, raised high, cursing its foolish misjudgement.
Dave is far from harmless.
Player Information
Name: Nino
Age: Twenty
AIM SN: dreams of prospit
email: ninopalooza@gmail.com
Have you played in an LJ based game before? Yup! Lots of them since 2007/2008ish.
Currrently Played Characters: N/A!
Conditional: Official Reserve Link: bam!
Character Information
General
Canon Source: MSPA: Homestuck
Canon Format: the most extensive Webcomic that ever existed?
Character's Name: Dave Strider
Character's Age: Thirteen.
Conditional: If your character is 13 years of age or under, please clarify how they will be played.
Dave was brought up by his older brother to be pretty tough, and that includes the use of real weapons, however ironic they may or not have been. It's not uncommon for Dave to take a beatdown or two or three for the sake of toughening him up, but it took until Sburb for Dave to figure out the exact purpose of all that. He's had to defend himself from imps and other various hazards through both the use of his skill with the blade and his time shenanigans, and he's pretty much a professional at it, so long as he doesn't try taking on certain individuals beyond his skill level. By his canon point he's reached the top of his echeladder and has been said to have experienced a greater time in-game than anyone else (roughly 3 days' equivalent although the game itself only takes place is one), gaining a mastery of his skills and most likely maxing out his badassery (although he has yet to reach God Tier since he's not able to face his own death).
He can take a few monsters, or at least skillfully avoid them, it really doesn't phase him.
What form will your character's NV take? Terezi's red blind person glasses! Which for the sake of functionality will work much like his iShades did (like an iPhone only ... built into a pair of sunglasses), translating voice into his text quirk if he so chooses and also recording video via an extendable camera attachment on the arm of the glasses. He'll still have his regular Ben Stiller shades on his person for later, though. ;)
Abilities
Character's Canon Abilities:
Although Dave is physically skillful and nimble in many ways more than the other kids in Homestuck, his only real "power" is the ability to travel through time. As the Knight of Time, Dave is able to create time loops in order to influence the events of the future, which means he can go back or forward as needed. He does this by scratching a pair of floating records set on rotating gears, called Timetables. He's also able to use this skill to mess with time during battles, giving him the upper hand. Furthermore, because of the varying timelines, multiple Daves are apt to be spawned or to be seen hopping back and forth between past and present, which gets pretty confusing. Any Dave that is following the concurrent timeline is considered an "Alpha Dave," which the one I am playing is one of I think, jesus. Most of the ones that are spawned by certain choices made involving time travel end up dead. What a weird coincidence!
So the short version is he can control the flow of time for himself as he sees fit. And that's all there really is to say on the matter.
Conditional: If your character has no superhuman canon abilities, what dormant ability will you give them? I'm going to be making his time shenanigans dormant outside of battle. No breaking the space and time of ljrp, Dave.
Weapons:
Dave's Strife Specibus is initially Bladekind, later ½bladekind when his shitty ninja sword is broken in two during a confrontation with Bro. Through time shenanigans he can alternate between the two, however. Upon entry to the Port, Dave will be in possession of the Broken Caledscratch, given to him by an alternate self.
History/Personality/Plans/etc.
Character History: it's only a little more confusing than this app is.
Point in Canon: Just after this page, before departing from Bro's side to go get up to any other frog-related shenanigans that may or may not result in an untimely demise!
Character Personality:
One cannot simply describe the finer nuances of Dave. No. One must be a Strider to stride along the boulevards of Strider comprehension.
Okay, no, who am I kidding, he's pretty much transparent. It just takes a little bit of squinting and an appreciation for "you keep using that word; I don't think it means what you think it does" regarding the idea of irony. So basically if you've ever listened to "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette, take that, flip it, make some smartass comments about it, indulge it just for the hilarity, and set it to red text and there you go. Irony a la Strider.
Dave's life basically revolves around being cool. Not just looking cool while secretly being a bit of a failure on the inside like your typical anime trope, no. He wants to basically be the embodiment of downright enviable full-stop cool. And he's pretty good about making that happen. This probably has a lot to do with who raised him, given that his older brother (who is actually technically his genetic father; please don't get me started on ectobiology), aptly named Bro, is already the epitome of a cool douchebag. It's all in the walk, not the talk. But Bro, and subsequently his little however-partly-unintentional prodigy, have got both. For the majority of Dave's young life he wears a pair of Ironic Anime Shades resembling the ones Bro wears and often emulates his habits and interests in many ways; it isn't until John gives Dave a pair of authentic Ben Stiller sunglasses for his thirteenth birthday that Dave really begins to deviate into his own special flavor of Strider.
The shades and the way his Bro's puppets begin to freak him out a bit, anyway. Also thanks to John's influence. Puppets are one of the only few things that actually unnerve Dave, which is a slow progression in canon from just being vaguely creeped out to an outright enraged outburst after being covered in them at one point. This may be caused in part by one puppet in particular called Lil' Cal, which happens to be present the room where Dave's dream self sleeps, causing the waking world Dave to sometimes have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat.
So, of course, Bro finds ways to troll Dave with puppets all the damn time.
One of the other very few things that shake Dave's otherwise unshakeable composure is death. When handling it around others he maintains his flat and infallibly cool and calm demeanor, making quips about it and essentially being very roundabout in his feelings regarding it, but has been shown to be "unable to face" the notion of his own death, even when doing so would allow him to ascend to a higher level of power. Similarly, when he comes upon the corpse of an alternate version of himself during a time loop, he is visibly disturbed and cannot stop staring at the blood, and is also notably "freaked out" by having to dispose of his own body (by tossing it out a window and into a pit of lava). He also doesn't deal very well with the deaths of others, from the accidental maiming of a Rambunctious Crow ("no one must ever know about this") to discovering the bodies of his friends and, later on, Bro, impaled by his own sword. When asked if he is sad or broken up about it by Terezi he leads her on a completely roundabout and noncommittal wild goose chase without ever giving up an actual answer.
It's pretty apparent when he tries to Break, though, and upon failing to do so, lets himself lay on the ground face-down and unhappily tells Terezi to leave him alone.
In Dave's book, downplaying feelings is the quintessential rule of cool. So it isn't that he doesn't have them or feel them very strongly; he just doesn't communicate them outright very well. His actions speak for themselves, but his words are a conundrum, a mixture of sarcastic and sincere and sometimes outright lies in order to save face. He hasn't been shown to outright lose it around anyone, and as long as he has a say in the matter, that's how it'll stay. Bro brought him up to be tough, to hold that unshakeable wit or bust, and Dave doesn't normally have a problem with doing so. In fact, outwardly, Dave reacts pretty well to the nightmare that is Sburb, though most of that is due to his arrogant tendency to flat out reject things that don't fit into his mold and continue blindly pushing forward in whatever direction he's headed, regardless of whether this could put him into a bad spot.
Some of that blindly pushing forward is caused in part by being an easily-influenced person. He takes cues from others to structure his idea of cool, but things like John's opinions and Terezi's influence on him have been shown to massively direct what he does, though he never makes a point of showing it or saying so. Dave may have a massively hard time remembering things, since he forgets what he's doing at the time during quite a few moments in the storyline (at one point he even forgets that he was supposed to forget something), but when he is set on a task, he is pretty dead set about it. Again, sometimes literally, because many of his alternate timeline selves are killed as a result of a generally bad decision or some poor advice that he followed (thanks a lot, Terezi). After finding Bro dead he expresses that he feels weird for being the only one angry enough to want to go after Jack Noir and make him, and other such mutinous agents, pay by "putting them in the slammer," and notes that each of his friends all have their own reasons for not dropping what they're doing to make this happen, whereas he himself feels that they should all quit tiptoeing around the big problem and face it head-on. A lot of this might be grief talking, but Dave later makes a point of wanting to be the one to sacrifice himself for his friends to put a stop to things, so, again, you never know when he's actually being serious.
On the subject of his friends, Dave is actually quite close to them, despite how detached he can be from them all at times. Even Rose, who he maintains his distance with in order to avoid being psychoanalyzed by her, understands him in a way that doesn't need to be said, the same as John and Jade. They influence him in many ways, as does Terezi, his "patron troll" and the only one that he really cares about at all. It's easy for Dave to joke around them whether they appreciate his humor or not and he has been shown to resort to texting them to "calm his neves" during a moment when a possible puppet-induced freakout is imminent. With John in particular, he seems to share a number of interests, despite how often Dave berates him for liking stupid shit like Nic Cage movies (the reverse often holds true, although not quite as much, I guess because there isn't a lot to say about photography and weirdly preserving dead things and rapping on the fly while laying down some seriously ill jams on the turntables). The four kids really care about each other a lot, and it says something about Dave in particular that he would be willing to give himself up for the rest of them, despite that his apparent fear of his own death.
So overall Dave is kind of a mess of tropes and notions of cool, shooting off pop culture references and starting some sick fires in the form of the noble art of slam poetry to get his point across (or just to fill the airspace, who knows). He does things "ironically," which is really just that something is uncool but treating it as cool therefore makes it ironic and subsequently cool in this way, and never seems to be able to take things seriously except for when he is, just ha-ha you can't tell if that's what if he's doing or if he's just being a jackass. He keeps his bizarrely candy red eye hidden behind a pair of stylish shades and keeps his tone and expression flat, but there are lot of feelings going on beneath the surface there. Dave just doctors them up with tropes and irony labels before he lets them fly. And if it takes people awhile to get it--if they never get it, even--that's cool. He's got plenty of time on his side.
Character Plans: Considering the nature of Dave's canon material and personality, I think a more mature setting is just the right place to play him. As easy as it would be to mold him into a more lighthearted setting, I think I'd be able to roll with the survival horror theme a lot better and not have to feel like I'm taking the character out of his context and element, if... that makes any sense. But other than that, I don't have a solid direction for him, other than exploring his reaction to both the lighter and the darker side of the impending gameplay here. 8)
Appearance/PB: sprite | alpha | hero mode | dreamself
Writing Samples
First Person Sample
-- turntechGodhead [ TG ] began pestering shittyKidnapper [ SK ] --
TG: what
TG: the fuck
TG: is going on
TG: look ok i know the temptation to hijack a coolkid is hard to resist but its basically a goddamn faux pas to bring a guest to a kidnapping party that didnt rsvp first
TG: jesus learn some manners
TG: i mean i guess its cool if you think youre doing me a favor
TG: dont worry dave you dont have to check out your dead bro anymore cause now youre somewhere else look see how helpful i am do i get a treat now
TG: fuck you
TG: no
TG: you dont get a treat
TG: the only thing im handing out is some cold hard beatdowns to whatever chucklefuck wants to play around
TG: also possibly a reward if anyone happens to notice a pair of sweet ironic shades laying around
TG: theyre mine
TG: these arent
TG: actually im pretty sure i know whose these are and i can appreciate the irony but if i wanted to walk around seeing literally everything in bright fucking red id just gouge my eyes out and save myself the trouble of looking like a tool in these things
TG: at least then itd make sense for me to be wearing them
TG: only blind people wear blind people glasses its a fact of life any chump 1st grader off the playground can tell you that much
TG: jesus christ get with the picture
TG: worst goddamn kidnapper ever
TG: like even shittier than the guys from home alone and all their bullshit petty theft shenanigans
TG: seriously i want to know how the fuck two grown men get their asses handed to them by like a toddler for five movies straight
TG: more importantly though
TG: what kind of fucking parents leave their kid alone in a house that criminals are just irresistibly drawn to for five movies straight
TG: youd think after the first time theyd be like so imagine if our 8 year old werent clever enough to think of all these rudimentary booby traps
TG: not like the house is all fucked up or anything so obviously he cant be telling the truth
TG: kids make up stories about this shit all the time no big deal officer
TG: what the fuck were those guys after anyway
TG: obviously we'll never know as long as the day keeps getting saved by grade schoolers
TG: guess i should hire a grade schooler to ruin some kidnapper shit for me about now
TG: any takers
Third Person Sample
The kid really doesn't look like much. He's thin, a little ungainly looking in his skinny jeans with his tousled hair and his no one gives a fuck expression and the dark shades hiding freakishly discolored eyes, red as the sleeves on his shirt, bright as the blood in his veins. He's totally relaxed and apparently oblivious to the danger despite that they're looking right at each other. In his hand is a weapon, but it's broken, snapped in half and completely useless, in the creature's unprofessional opinion. Nothing about this child says anything to him in the way of "threat." All it sees is "dinner." The silent face-off lasts a full minute and then the beast's nostrils flare and it lunges all at once, overcome by the candy smell of candy organs pumping sweet, sweet candy blood all throughout this little candy human body. It takes a running start and leaps into the air, mouth wide open as if to swallow the boy whole.
But he's gone. The beast's jaws close on nothing but air, skidding in the dirt and whirling fast. There he is, over there! Lunge.
No, now he's over here! Lunge.
Here! No, here! Over here! Right behind you! To the left! Look up!
The monster is taking such a beating from the broken sword that it had previously dubbed as harmless, and so rapidly. The boy is inordinately dextrous; even its keen animalistic eyes can't follow his movements, and he seems to be disappearing and reappearing elsewhere. Every movement is unpredictable on his part, and yet he seems to know exactly which way the beast is going to go before he goes there. It feints left, the boy is already on the right, striking down hard with his shattered blade that still manages to cut through almost to the bone. There's pungent, discolored blood everywhere and not a single drop of it is candy red.
In a last-ditch effort, the beast goes berserk. It charges viciously, teeth gnashing and claws swiping, ignoring the waves of pain, the way it slides in a puddle of its own blood as it surely closes its teeth on the boy's arm-and a spatter of bright red flows into its mouth, hot and delicious, but it doesn't hear a human howl of pain. It hears its own. Something stabs into its flank and sends it flying, tearing the skin of the boy's arm as it's hurled away, but it rolls in midair and lands on its feet, snarling. Who dares intrude upon its hunt? Its prey?
It's the boy. There are two of them, identical. And then a flash, and beside it, another. And another. The only one that looks any different is the one with the bloodied arm, and that's the one the beast goes after. But it's surrounded by that human child, mirror copies of him all armed with a broken blade, flashing and reappearing so rapidly that it can't follow, can't keep track, and soon can't see at all because something slashes right across its eyes. Just as the world goes dark and it falls, there is a brief moment of startling clarity, and fifteen images of the boy standing side-by-side slide together into one, bloody arm, bloody sword, bloody flecks of beast fur on his face. They all become one in a moment's notice and the beast staggers one last time as the boy walks toward it with his sword, suddenly sharp, whole, intact, raised high, cursing its foolish misjudgement.
Dave is far from harmless.