DEADPAN: Or, Deadpool Writes A Diary About Cooking Class
DEADPAN: Or, Deadpool Writes A Diary About Cooking Class
written by reena_jenkins
rated G
fandom: some generic amalgam of Cable & Deadpool (not exactly canon-compliant, and nowhere near as cracky)
Notes: So, on May 25th, fire_juggler asked Twitter, "Somebody please write a fix called "Deadpan", that I can use for my Read Deadpan #podficbingo square. #literalisgood #deadpanisnotmyfriend" Four days later, this is where my mind went.
Friday (Day 0)
Surprise, surprise! Or, not-so-happy surprise. Cable just announced that he's signed me up for a week of Intensive Remedial Cooking classes, at the Y downtown. Starting tomorrow. He said something about facing certain death far too often away from the house, and how he didn't want to actually die in his own kitchen. You let a waffle iron explode ONE TIME, and what happens? People doubt your ability to provide for them OR yourself. Well, fine. Screw Cable AND his robot arm. I'm going to make cookies and I'm not going to share any with him. So there.
Sunday (Day 1)
Showed up at the Y on time for class. Was the only one in spandex OR a mask. Though, the instructor DID have the funny chef coat on. That's something, right? My cooking partner is a soccer mom with three boys. She seemed pretty standoffish and unfriendly, didn't even want to share the stand mixer OR the bowl of biscotti dough, until I mentioned Bea Arthur. Turns out she's a fan, too! I think we'll get along like a house on fire.
Monday (Day 2)
'House on fire' not a term to be taken literally. Turns out, even though we let the cookie dough sit in the fridge overnight, and sliced it up and everything, turning the oven temperature up an extra hundred degrees to speed up cook time was a BAD PLAN. Good news: the Y's sprinkler system works fine.
Tuesday (Day 3)
Instructor in his silly chef coat gave us a new recipe today, for baked pasta. Said that boiling water and then cooking the contents shouldn't be too hard. Shows what he knows - the contents of this pan are harder than rocks. Maybe if I ever needed a blunt-force weapon on short notice….
Wednesday (Day 4)
Cooking Instructor wanted to make pot roast today. We got to use the knives! I think that a bandolier of knives across my back would look badass. Maybe crossing the bandolier of bullets across my front? I could have some cleavers, and some paring knives, and some serrated blades, and if we were ever attacked by a mutant with powers over dairy, I'd already be ready to cut the cheese. And, chefs are allowed to take their knife cases on airplanes… if we ever had to fly commercial instead of Cable just 'porting us to jobs, I wouldn't even have to check my weapons. Plus, the girl two stations over has the cutest wrap for her knives - it's red and black checker print. I could totally rock a checkered knife bandolier. I'll talk to Cable about it, see what he thinks.
Thursday (Day 5)
We tried making chicken noodle soup today. I don't think vegetables are supposed to turn that color when you boil them. Soccer Mom Cooking Partner was a great help in fending off the reanimated chicken carcasses, though. Probably shouldn't have used ingredients grown by the Y's class on Alternative Animal Husbandry Methods.
Friday (Day 6)
Tried making crepes today. I KNOW how to make crepes, despite Cable's traitorous thoughts about waffles. Soccer Mom Cooking Partner, however, does not. She also does not know how to use the blender. Despite slanderous claims from the rest of the class, I had nothing to do with taking the lid off as she pressed 'pulse'. I didn't have ANY desire to see if the batter would really spray out the top in a mushroom cloud, and I had placed no bets about how far the blast radius would reach. I CERTAINLY didn't double the entire recipe while we were measuring. Nope. Not me….
Saturday (Day 7)
Instructor let us freestyle in the kitchen today. Said we'd learned all he had to teach. Made chocolate chip walnut cookies, so I wouldn't have to share (Cable's allergic to walnuts). Learned a valuable lesson today: lining the cookie sheet with tinfoil instead of parchment paper makes everything burn. Good news: the Y's sprinkler system still works great.
Sunday (Day 8)
Wolverine paid us a house call today. Weird, because I wasn't expecting company at all. He was ranting and growling about stuff, the usual, violence and angst and general whining. For a badass with built-in chef's knives, he sure is a whiner. Then, after I pointed this out, he went for my head. I'm a fair bit attached to my head, even if it IS a zombie from another dimension. And, like all surprise visits, I was NOT prepared for company - my swords were at the cleaner's. So I beaned him with a frying pan instead. Oh, look, Cable - those cooking classes were useful after all! I think I'll make come waffles, to celebrate….
[the end]
And, awesome of awesomes - fire_juggler has posted her podfic of this ficlet right over here! You guys totally have to go listen to it, because she made it so much funnier than it was in my head. And, coverart! It's got Deadpool, leaning on an oven.
The more Deadpool on your iPod, the better, my friends.