Brendon's Letter
Back to introduction and notes || Back to story overview
He opens the letter in the living room, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, even though it’s summer and in all reality far too hot to be covered up by anything other than light cotton, preferably of the short variety. It doesn’t matter. The blanket is oddly comforting, and he needs all the stability he can get as he thumbs open the envelope and takes out the messy, scribbled-on pages inside.
I'll write it all across the wall before my job is done…
He very nearly burned it, found himself holding the letter between his thumb and forefinger over the sink, reaching for the lighter in his pocket. He kind of wishes that he had gone through with it, even now as he unfolds the pages, smoothes them out in his lap. Nothing good can possibly come from reading Brendon’s words to him right now, not when the wound is still so fresh and he needs whatever conviction he has left to get through tomorrow, to keep his promise to Keltie and move on with his life.
In the end, though, he just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t watch something created by Brendon burn.
He prefers not to think too much about the implications of this.
Now, I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret…
There are three pages altogether, all filled with Brendon’s messy handwriting, comments in all colours in the margins and even within the text, as though Brendon was working on this for a long time and used whatever pen he managed to find to note down new ideas every time inspiration struck. Some things are underlined, other crossed out or have little symbols drawn on them. At the top corner there’s Put on S&T top hat and red LS? Check w/ Spence if funny. That particular idea has been crossed out. Twice. Apparently, Spencer disapproved. Ryan closes his eyes, hears the lyrics of that particular song in his head, sways a little and wishes that his own, mocking words were a little further from the truth in all of this.
There are other things as well. Little doodles, a phone number, Ryan’s name written in a cloud of supposedly rhyming words (in several different languages, for some reason). He scans the page, filtering through the impressions, before his eyes settle on what seems to be the first line of the actual speech.
Ryan, when I met you, I was no one, it starts. Just a tiny skinny little kid with no friends and nothing to do all day except silently rebel (rebel silently? ask Spence.) against what people were telling me to do, think or believe in even-without ever having the guts to just be honest and tell it to their faces. And you changed all that. Well, all four of you guys did, but you, Ryan, in particular.
You know, I seriously considered breaking into your house and stealing one of your notebooks, just so that I’d have better, more colourful words to describe how much you mean to me, how much seeing you happy makes me want to kiss you me smile my heart sing. (find other, less pathetic expression. Check w/ Pete for ideas)
Yeah, so obviously I didn’t, right? No sense in breaking down a door when you have a key. There’s no way you’d ever use that expression in anything you’d let me sing on stage. (that’s true at least. make joke about being just a pretty face here?) And believe me when I tell you that I think we’re all very grateful for that…
It goes on for a good two and a half pages, and with every line, Ryan feels his heart sink. It ranges from light-hearted jokes and things meant to purely entertain-
So, Keltie, some things you should know about Ryan now that it’s too late to give him back: one-he steals the green M&Ms and claims that they were never there in the first place and that the rest of us are colour blind. Two: he always folds his socks inside-out when he throws them in the basket, which means they never, EVER get clean in the first round of laundry. Three: he loves the chipmunk in Enchanted, even though he claims that it’s stupid and badly CGI'd…
-to things bordering on indecent or inappropriate (most of them crossed out, Ryan suspects Spencer’s influence)-
So, I found out from the Internet that there’s a little snag with the marriage licence. Apparently, Ryan’s already been married to both Spencer and me for the past seven years or so…
You might not know this, but Ryan is a veritable god in bed. (remember to make pause here) His snoring can practically cause earthquakes. It’s a definite superpower. (Crossed out three times, the comment For Christ’s sake, Bden, his grandma will be there! written directly underneath in Spencer’s neat print.)
-and finally to heartfelt, completely cheesy but with just enough Brendon in it to make the words achingly sincere-
I know you’re getting a new family today, but I hope you know that we’ll always be there…
You’re the most generous person I know, and if I could, I would give you the world…
You made me who I am today, made the band what it is, made us all gods when we were just kids with guitars, pretending to be stars in someone’s living room…
Your words make me fall in love, cry, feel so many things I never knew existed before you poured them into my head…
It all ends with a toast to the lucky two, for finding that special person to brighten their lives. Keltie, welcome to the Panic family. And, Ryan… what more is there to say? I love you. Always will.”
The last sentence is underlined with a thick, blue marker, and in the same colour, there’s a hastily scribbled note in the bottom right corner.
I realised as I re-read this that I’d written you vows instead of a speech.
Ryan’s eyes move over the last line again and again, until his eyesight is too blurry to make out the words anymore. He thinks of his own vows, safely tucked into the side compartment of his overnight bag. He knows them by heart, can hear them echo inside his head as he re-reads Brendon’s letter from beginning to end until he knows every word in there as well. The ones he wrote to Keltie are prettier, better structured, more poetic. More original, witty even.
They don’t mean shit in comparison.
They talk about how Keltie’s beautiful, how she’s warm and funny and perfect. How she’s always laughing and how she never gives up. They talk about how she will make a wonderful wife and the best mother and about how lucky Ryan is to have found her.
Nowhere is there any mention that she’s changed him, or that she continuously keeps on changing him, what it means to Ryan to have her in his life, what he would be without her.
You made me who I am today.
The well-crafted verses he spent days and weeks perfecting morph in his head, twisting themselves around to the image of dark hair and darker eyes, of Brendon’s smiling face before him.
I made you a god, but you made me a man.
You took the knives from my head and turned them into music.
You make me actually want to have a happy ending.
You fill me with yourself and that makes me who I am.
Loving you is like living in music.
The words are simple and rough. Not in any way exceptional or even particularly good. The ones he has for Keltie are much better (objectively speaking), and they represent him in a much clearer way.
These words, though. These words for Brendon represent them. The unity of them, not just the sum of different parts.
Brendon’s words (and Ryan’s words for him) mean so much more than his words for Keltie-he realises that, he’s not stupid-and he wishes that he knew if that even makes a difference in the grand scheme of things. Wishes that he knew how heavy burdens love will actually carry if you use it as a rope to hurl yourself off a cliff and into a place where you’ll be wandering blindly through uncharted lands.
If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep, then I’m putting out the lantern, make your own way back home…
He folds up the pages, putting them safely in the back pocket of his jeans with trembling hands and walks out of the house, grabbing his car keys on the way.
MAKE YOUR CHOICE:
Where is Ryan going?
To talk to Keltie || To Spencer’s house