Me 3 (Rating NC-17)
“Rimmer began to regret his outburst. He didn’t like to see his other self upset, and he even contemplated briefly going up to him and giving him a manly embrace. But in a brief moment of homosexual panic, he thought his double might get the wrong idea. Not that he would, of course, because he was him and he knew for a fact he wasn’t that way sexually tilted; so obviously his double wasn’t and obviously his double would know that he wasn’t either, and it was simply a manly embrace meant in a sort of mano a mano kind of way…Perhaps he was tired…Two or three days in bed and he’d be his old self again…Who cared if his copy saw it as a sign of weakness? He’d suggest it anyway.” Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, Grant/Naylor, pg 233.
“Time off?!” the double bellowed. “A couple of days?!”
“Well, I just thought…” Rimmer began feebly.
“Oh…” the double said, comprehension dawning on his smug, gittish face. “I know what this is about.”
“What do you mean?” Rimmer asked, trying to hold down his temper. Ten hours sleep over three weeks was definitely taking its toll. He felt he could easily snap at any moment.
“You want some privacy so you can wank.”
Rimmer spluttered his distaste before he could put it into words.
“I…you’ve got the wrong end of the stick there, miladdo!”
“Have I really? I daresay, you’re probably unfamiliar with the right end of the stick, if you get my drift, Duke.”
“You can’t possibly be suggesting what it sounds awfully like you’re…”
“Oh yes I am, you petulant, whining excuse for a man! You’re so maladjusted you even need two or three days, as you said, to figure out how your stick even works.”
“Absurd!” said Rimmer, affronted at being maligned. “What about McGruder? I showed her what-for!”
“No, I showed her what-for, you probably couldn’t even get in before collapsing into a fit of nervous tears.”
This was unbearable to hear from oneself. Rimmer’s short fuse was ignited, and he moved toward the double to shove him. The time for words was past. This smegging git had been spouting rubbish about him for almost a month.
When he was in front of the other him, though, and saw the look on his double’s face which suggested he knew what Rimmer was about to do (and of course he would, them being almost the same person), he wanted to shock him. Wipe that stupid, snide look off his face. Instead of shoving him, he instead reached his hand down to cup the other hologram’s crotch, then slid the fingers upwards toward the torso, teasingly.
The double was appropriately shocked, but would not allow himself to show it. A tiny blush gave him away.
“I am very familiar with how my stick works, Ironballs,” Rimmer gloated suggestively.
Not wanting to be outdone, or intimidated by himself, the double leaned forward and reached around to grab Rimmer’s buttocks and forcefully pull him closer.
Rimmer would not lose to this…this imitation! Yet being pressed up against himself aroused him. He was embarrassed for a moment before he shifted slightly and noticed the same was true for the double.
“Nervous, Rimmer?” the double asked, giving his buttocks a squeeze.
“Not at all, Rimmer,” he replied, with defiance in his voice.
“I don’t believe you,” The double stated, nose-to-nose with his counterpart.
Rimmer could not let a challenge go unmet. He closed his eyes and attacked the double’s lips with his own. They mashed together violently, and neither man moved for a few seconds.
Then the double pushed the kiss deeper, pulling at the other man’s lower lip, biting it slightly harder than was pleasant.
Rimmer raised the stakes by driving his tongue into the other’s mouth.
Both men were now experiencing the uncomfortable sensation of their growing arousal against the tightness of their trousers.
The double was unsure what he should do next to best himself. The feel of the other Rimmer’s erection against his own, even through simulated polyester clothes, was distracting him. A-ha! The goit would not be able to keep up the charade of confidence if he pulled his hands from their station on the other’s arse and around to the front, undoing the button and fly…
Rimmer had not foreseen such a quick escalation of the game. As he felt the double unzip his trousers he began to panic. He mastered his fear and decided to jump ahead much further, that would show the smegger he was unfazed. He lowered himself to his knees before his likeness, and returned the favor of helping him undress.
The double felt the hands brush against his swelling bulge. He acknowledged to himself that the only way to prove he wasn’t a coward at this juncture was to stand tall and take whatever the other dealt out. When Rimmer slid his cock out of the hard-light Y-fronts, he nearly came with the excitement of anticipation. He’d never had this done before.
Rimmer pushed all thoughts out of his mind as he stared at the double’s blushing erection in front of him. Could he really do this?
“What’s wrong, Rimsy? You’re hesitating,” the double said snidely.
Rimmer opened his mouth and immediately shoved it in, so fast and far he nearly choked.
The double made a surprised ‘meep’ sound.
A voice from the right interrupted.
“What the smeg is going on?” Lister asked loudly, frozen in his first step into the room. “Rimmer?” he asked, disbelieving.
Rimmer pulled back, letting the holo-flesh slide out.
The double looked over toward Lister, unashamed.
“Ah, Listy! Good. You can be our impartial judge.”
“You keep him out of this!” Rimmer said desperately, standing up and wiping his mouth.
“Settling a dispute,” said the double matter-of-factly.
“With a blow-job?” Lister asked, to verify he hadn’t imagined what he’d just seen.
Rimmer was looking at Lister’s face, trying to gauge what the man must be thinking of him - both of him - right now.
Lister instead glanced at the double's smug grin and paused. "Right…er, I’ll just…er…” And he cleared his throat to start over. “Listen, I was just coming to tell you two that one of you has got to go. Holly said that to maintain power, the ship can only can have one hologram so one of you has to be switched off, who's it going to be?" He still avoided looking at Rimmer, instead opting for staring around the room, just above Rimmer's head, and the No Smoking sign.
"Who what?" asked Rimmer.
"Who's going to stay, and who's going to be turned off?"
“Well, obviously I'm staying,” said Rimmer.
“Why, ‘obviously’?” said his double.
"Because I'm the original. I was here first."
"So what? We should toss for it."
"Nooo," said Rimmer through a disparaging laugh. "Why should I want to toss for it? I might lose."
Lister fished out a coin. "Heads or tails?"
"What?" said Rimmer.
'Fair's fair. You call."
"You expect me to call heads or tails over whether or not I get erased?" Rimmer's features fled to the perimeter of his face. "No way. I stay."
"You're the same person. It's only fair. Call." Lister flipped the coin, caught it, and covered it with his hand.
"I'm not calling." Rimmer whined.
His double rolled his eyes and glared at Rimmer. "Let's settle this some other time, when Bonehead can make up his mind."
Rimmer staggered on the floor, visibly curling up on himself. "Yeah, another time," he weakly agreed.
Lister finally looked at him then, but Rimmer had turned away, so he sighed before shrugging and leaving the room.
Neither of them had looked at the double’s face, smirking smugly.
Sleeping in the same quarters meant being privy to the other’s state of mind, to some extent. Settling down for lights-out, Rimmer watched his other self pace back and forth across the room. He was obviously thinking very hard about something, and Rimmer desperately wanted to know what it was (in case it involved him, of course). More than likely the bastard was plotting how to make it so he stayed with the crew while Rimmer’s hologram got turned off. Of all the nerve! He desperately wanted to know what the other was thinking, but to ask would be a weakness, though - another way of losing an unspoken battle between them. He tried to put it out of his mind, turned over, and fell asleep.
The double certainly was obsessing over how to stay alive. Or at least, consciously dead. Whatever it was that holograms were, he was hoping to stay that way. An awful, despicable, disgusting idea had occurred to him that just might do the trick and keep him around. He could seduce Listy. That way, the goit would feel all involved with him, the sentimental moron, and wouldn’t be able to erase him. It would mean sacrifice, naturally, of both good sense and taste (probably in both uses of the word). Rimmer Directive Number One (and two, three, four and five) stated: I will do anything to survive. Even something as unpleasant as sucking-off the grossest man alive.
But the double was puzzling over how best to plan his lust-attack, being soft-light. Surely there was something he could do to enact his brilliant scheme, though nothing was forthcoming, no matter how long he paced or how scrunched up his eyebrows were in concentration.
He was getting tired. It was always difficult to stay awake when Rimmer was asleep. Though they maintained different memory disks, and individual needs and experiences, the lines always got a bit blurred once consciousness was taken out of the equation. The double assumed it was something to do with the Hologram Simulation Suite overlaying their dreams to conserve power (much less difficult to power one Arnold’s dreams than two). They often woke up feeling awkward, knowing they had both dreamt the same strange, pathetic, or in some cases sensual and embarrassing things.
Lying down to rest, the double felt something strange jar him. He looked around to see if it had been a movement or noise, but nothing registered. How odd. Then he felt the presence of someone else inside his mind. He knew because he could feel his memories being tugged to the forefront of his thoughts without any reason or precedent. Yes, definitely, there was someone playing with his holo-memory disk, probably on the vid-screens in the Simulation Suite. And who else would it be but that smug git, Lister! He was tampering! Probably wanted to relive today’s events, walking in on him and old Iron balls, eh? The ruddy ponce!
At first outrage was all Rimmer felt, but before he sat up to get out of bed, march down to the Simulation Suite, and give Lister a good shouting-at, he paused. Wait a minute, Arnie, he told himself. This could be it! This could be the answer to the problem! Maybe in his dream, he could seduce Lister. If Listy was watching, then no doubt he’d be moved by it. The romantic git would probably develop a schoolgirl-like crush overnight! And since it seemed that luck was on his side, and Lister was keyed into the system using the helmet (and he must be! How else would the double be able to sense his presence in his head?!), he would also feel some of what was being dreamed.
Arnold closed his eyes and allowed himself to slip into that most amiable stage of sleep where you know you’re dreaming and you can control it to some extent. He would start the ball rolling, and see what happened when he sunk deeper into REM and couldn’t control it anymore.
Lister fumbled with the keypad, eyes squinting at the screen. He wasn’t familiar with the controls in this room, but felt fairly confident he could work them out himself, without Holly’s input. In fact he’d prefer if Holly never knew what he was doing. He wasn’t sure he could explain himself.
Walking in on one Rimmer chowing down on the other’s naughty bits was not something he’d ever expected to have to face. He’d been trying to block the image from rising to the forefront of his consciousness all day, but obviously it had played on his thoughts. So here he was, unable to sleep, and sneaking down to the Hologram Simulation Suite to …well, perfectly honestly, be a voyeur. He was curious what else those twats had been up to when alone.
Pushing buttons and getting nowhere closer to finding how to navigate through Rimmer’s memories, he saw the helmet and, shrugging, put it on. It didn’t seem to make a difference, but he left it atop his head anyway, just in case. Pressing a yellow button at the top of the display brought an image to the screen he recognized.
“Yes! Found it!” Lister said aloud, assuming it was due to his technological prowess and not a scheming double’s best-laid plans.
The scene unfolding was the one he had walked in on earlier. This was the prelude, though, it looked like. Well, both Rimmers’ trousers were still on, anyway. He watched one grope the other’s buttocks, watched them kiss (this sight made his stomach tighten and things lower down take notice), at first tentatively, then roughly.
When one Rimmer reached down to unzip the other, Lister inhaled slow and deep. He was mightily shocked, then, when the Rimmers on the vid screen stopped their fumbling and peered in his direction.
What the smeg? His pulse sped up. From his vantage point, the saw his own likeness enter the scene from somewhere just to the right of his vision. His eyes widened while his eyebrows furrowed, simultaneously. This wasn’t what had happened. What had he tapped into?
He sat transfixed as the Lister on the screen walked toward the two holograms still clinging to one another. One wore a grin, while the other looked petrified. He thought he could tell, now, which was which.
“Listy,” the smiling one said. “We were hoping you could help us settle a little dispute.”
Lister thought to himself: I’ve seen how you like to settle disputes, Rimmer.
This was all wrong. This was different from the actual series of events earlier. Oh, god, he thought, as realization flooded into his mind. They’re asleep, they must be dreaming. I’ve tapped into their dream.
Suddenly his attention was once more on the screen, however, as he heard his own voice say through the monitor, “I’ve seen how you like to settle disputes, Rimmer.”
“What the smegging hell?” he said aloud, standing up and trying to back away. He was jolted into place after two steps by the helmet’s cable, plugged into the console.
The dots were connecting. The helmet.
His brainwaves were hooked up to the hologram simulator.
The Rimmers were dreaming.
And…his mind was now connected to theirs.
He sat down again, his eyes wide, watching the screen. The smiling Rimmer approached him, and touched him on the shoulder. Lister pulled away from the feel of a hand that wasn’t there, looking around the room and seeing no one else. Had he felt Rimmer’s hand? How was that possible?
He’d heard once that reality was all in the mind. Did that mean, with his mind linked to theirs, that their ordinarily intangible bodies were real to him now?
The feel of the phantom hand on his shoulder moving down his chest to his groin was answer enough. He watched as his likeness on the screen got the same treatment. He held his breath, unsure how to react.
The Rimmer on the screen squeezed the visible bulge on Lister. He felt it, and raised his hips in the chair, stunned.
My god, he thought. Is this what they dream about?
The other Rimmer suddenly made a throat-clearing sound. Lister and the double looked over at him.
“Don’t you bring him into this!” he said, mortified.
The double simply grinned and turned back to Lister.
“I think he’d feel rather left out if we didn’t include him,” he half-whispered, sultrily, “wouldn’t you, Listy?” As he asked this question, his hand fondled the other man’s erection.
Lister, sitting in the chair, watching this on a screen, whimpered at the touch. The Lister in the dream did so, too.
That was answer enough for the Rimmers.
The double leaned in, whispering, “Lie down, Listy.”
“What, on the floor?” the dream Lister asked, breathily.
Rimmer pondered, and a bed appeared. The sudden arrival of a new piece of furniture in the docking bay struck none of them as strange. The dream-logic was entirely plausible.
“Now. Before I change my mind.” He reiterated.
On the screen, Lister lowered himself to the mattress and lay there compliantly.
Lister gasped, as, sitting in the dim hologram suite, he felt the sensation of a mattress beneath him. He closed his eyes automatically, drinking in the sensation. They shot open again, almost instantly, in surprise. He scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion, then closed his eyes again to be sure. Yes. Behind his eyelids he could see what was happening on screen, but clearer. It was as though it was streaming directly into his mind (which, he then realized, it probably was).
He closed his eyes, opened them, and conferred with the screen a few more times before satisfied with the truth of the situation. He decided to watch with eyes closed from now on.
The double fell to his knees on the mattress, and spread Lister’s legs so that he could kneel between them. He then efficiently unzipped and tugged down the other man’s trousers to unveil the firm cock, so much hotter than the rest of the surrounding flesh (though one glance to Lister’s face suggested his cheeks might rival it for heat, blushing as he was).
Rimmer gasped, watching from a few feet away. The double was very pleased to see his other self’s eyes wide and mesmerized by the sight. He smirked.
“Deary me, Listy,” the double said with an edge of mockery to his voice. He lifted one hand and slowly, deliberately, ran his index finger up and down the length of the organ. “You’re so eager. Absolutely shameless, aren’t you?”
A deep blush appeared now on Lister’s neck as well.
Feeling too close, too involved in the situation unfolding, yet unable to move away, Rimmer’s eyes grew wider and his eyebrows made an effort to join his hairline above. He clenched and unclenched his hands a few times at his sides, desperate to ignore how much watching himself and Listy fooling around on a bed was stirring up unexpected thoughts.
The double was quickly losing sight of any overarching goal of the exercise as he bit his lip and logic gave way to pure want. Perhaps this had begun as a way to humiliate Lister. All that mattered was using Lister to help him achieve release.
He squirmed further down and pulled the goit’s trousers off completely, then leaned over him. Dark eyes looked back at him, lust, bewilderment, and fear all clearly present.
Slowly he traced Lister’s jaw line with his long, thin fingers. He let the fingertips dance along the edge of those full lips. Then he smirked and pushed his middle finger into the mouth. Lister groaned and closed his eyes, swirling his tongue around the thin finger. The double grinned and then shoved his other fingers forcefully into the soft, wet mouth causing Lister’s eyes to open wide in surprise. The fingers spread and contracted, tickling around his tongue.
The double pulled his hand back and quickly lowered it, slick with saliva, to Lister’s posterior.
Lister felt the warm, slippery fingers tease at his puckered entrance and held his breath, his muscles tightening.
The double saw his hesitation and a smirk played on his lips. He shoved three fingers into Lister without any warning or preparation. Lister gasped and felt all his muscles tighten even further with the unexpected shock of violation. The double pulled his fingers out, leaving Lister feeling unnaturally wet, but relieved. The double positioned himself between his legs, the tip of his hard cock pushing up against Lister’s unprepared rump. Steadying himself on his arms, the double shoved the whole of his length into the tight hole.
“Ow, smeg!” Lister hissed, his world a sharp and swelling pain.
“It’s not so bad after a minute,” the double said nonchalantly, and began thrusting in and out.
“Ah, god, hold on a second, eh?” Lister replied through clenched teeth, trying to seem calm but reeling from the new and uncomfortable sensations.
“Can’t…” the double said, breathily, as he pushed harder and faster into the other man. Lister read the signs and hoped to god that the double was almost finished and the awkward sensations could cease.
The double spasmed and fell onto Lister’s chest as he came, panting. He pulled out and bemusedly looked over at Rimmer before getting up to leave.
“You…you can’t leave him like that!” Rimmer said defiantly.
“Hmm?” The double replied, confused.
“Lister! You can’t just…you know…and then not even…” he sputtered for another moment before visibly centering himself. “That was the worst smegging sex in the history of the world.”
This hurt the double’s pride.
“Oh? And I suppose you could do better, then? What on earth was bad about it?! I was completely satisfied, thank-you-very-much!”
“Well HE wasn’t, was he?”
“What, Lister? I’m sure he was. Weren’t you, Listy?”
Lister was slowing his breathing and trying not to focus on the still-swelling pain in his behind. He was indignant.
“Are you jokin’? Smeg, you’re such a selfish git, Rimmer.”
“See?!”
“Well go on, then, Ironballs, try and do better. Use some pansy sweet talk, maybe. Buy him chocolates.”
Lister started to get up, and Rimmer crossed over to him, getting to his knees.
“Wait,” he said gently. Lister had never heard Rimmer talk that way and obeyed out of curiosity as much as shock.
Rimmer reached down and began playing with Lister’s half-mast cock, bringing it to fullness again. He saw that all of Lister’s muscles were tensed, and gently kissed along his neck to loosen him up.
Lister moaned appreciatively. Rimmer hesitated for a moment above Lister’s mouth, then softly kissed him. It was only one, long, quiet kiss, and then he moved down Lister’s neck again to the chest. He then took his hand from Lister’s stiff and bobbing cock while his mouth began to lick at the tip.
Fully loosened, Lister arched his hips, remembering that he was genuinely turned-on before the double had made him so uncomfortable. Now his mind was abuzz again with the sweet haze of excitement.
Rimmer licked and sucked, almost forgetting that they had an audience until the double cleared his throat.
“I could do that, too, you know,” he told Rimmer, his eyes wide and appreciative, “if I felt like it. Only I didn’t know he made those sorts of sounds…”
Lister was, indeed, gasping, whining, thrashing and generally creating a spectacle that would make any self-respecting human melt with lust.
“…God…Rimmer…oooooh, smeg….”
“Go on, then,” Rimmer whispered to his double while moving steadily downward.
The double leaned over Lister, pulled the hard cock into his mouth and began copying the licking movements he’d just observed.
Rimmer had moved to Lister’s entrance, where he began tentatively licking in circles. When Lister did not tense, he slowly began to swirl his tongue and dip it into the tight crevice. Deeper and deeper he managed to probe, before pulling away for a moment to moisten his fingers with saliva.
Slowly, oh-so-slowly, and taking his cues from Lister’s moans and gasps, he worked one finger in, then two, and finally three.
He sat up to position his own swelling cock and asked, “Are you ready?”
A pleading whimper and hip thrust were his only response.
He slowly pushed the tip of himself inside.
“…More…” Lister begged.
So Rimmer pushed carefully until he was completely sheathed inside the other man. He moved into a different angle as he pulled out, and heard Lister cry out in pleasure.
“Oh my god….do that again…” Lister breathed, out of his mind with stimulation.
So Rimmer did, making sure to enter at the same angle and hit that same spot.
Lister cried out again.
“Please…more…” he entreated, eyes rolled back into his head, eyelashes fluttering, face flushed.
And Rimmer decided to stop being gentle and give him what he was begging for. He thrusted hard and quickly, giving him all that he could, and letting the cries of Lister’s pleasure wash over him.
“…More!” Lister cried again. Rimmer was starting to worry. He was giving everything he could, yet he wasn’t fully satisfying Lister’s need.
The double let the cock fall from his mouth and moved to where Rimmer was perched. Rimmer noticed that his double’s member was hard again, even after using Lister within the hour. Well, it could certainly be put to advantage now.
The double aligned his cock next to Rimmer’s and found a position in which he could support himself comfortably alongside his other self. The tip of his penis began pushing into Lister’s already occupied arse. Instead of pain, though, Lister felt only new waves of pleasure, as they both began to press into him, rubbing against his prostate and filling him so fully he felt utterly conquered, and at peace.
The three writhed and drove into each other until Lister felt a deep, powerful orgasm roll over him like he’d never felt before. As his muscles tightened in ecstasy it brought the two Rimmers to their own climaxes.
Pulling apart, they each felt exhausted and overwhelmed with the possible meaning of this new closeness. The double got up to leave, seemingly unaffected by the emotional exchange they had just experienced. Lister let him. But he reached for Rimmer, and pulled him to lie next to him on the mattress. Neither said anything, but they held each other.
“Clear who was the winner, I’d say,” the double said smugly as he got to his feet. “Nice try, though, Arnie.”
Rimmer watched him go, uninterested in giving a retort.
Yeah, Lister thought, pretty smeggin’ clear to me, but I don’t know why that git thinks it’s him.
Lister realized, with a jolt, that this was, none of it, real. That even if he was in fact lying in a bed with Rimmer, he wasn’t really, because Rimmer was dead and made of light. And would never feel like this.
Even so. It was clear which one would stay and which would get erased.
He took off his helmet shakily, and headed for his own, empty bed.