I will never, never, never be complete again.

[reconstruct_her]

...but I believe you wanted it this way...
You're still alive in all of us.
...and as much as I said I was trying to let you go, you're still with me through eternity.
I will never, ever forget.

Comments

[b_d_s_monkey]

I sent you a message on IM, but I'm not sure if you use the name anymore . . . we never seem to be online at the same time anymore.

anyway, I was totally devastated when I heard . . . I can't imagine how much pain you must be in. I am so so so so sorry Jade.

*hugs*

I hope you're doing alright. if there's a memorial will you be able to make the trip? I hope so.

[reconstruct_her]

I guess I don't use that name anymore, because I got no IM.

I'm shatterred but I'm "doing"...or just pretending to, ya know?

A friend said we can arrange for me to hitch a ride with her whenever the memorial is.
I spoke to my supervisor about arranging the time off if it falls on a weekday.
I should be able to make it. I have to.

[b_d_s_monkey]

I'm reallllly glad you'll be able to go. Like you said, some form of closure, although the grief will take, well, not this bad, but the rest of your life in some ways I imagine. Please say you've heard *how* by now, cuz I don't want to have to be the one to tell you.

again, I am so sorry Jade; you have my deepest condolences.

more *hugs*

[reconstruct_her]

I just hope it's not a weekday because I am not sure how to flex the budget around missing more work, ya know?

I know how.

[bluekristen83]

Those pics are beautiful.

[reconstruct_her]

Some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

[bluekristen83]

:(

[reconstruct_her]

At least I had them, right?
I miss her eyes and her hands and every silly miniscule moment we shared, as insignificant as anyone else may have seen them to be.
...
...and the look in her eyes when she told me she wanted to be with me, and I cried.
...
Baths that lasted for hours...being held tight while convulsing through my worst breakdowns...
...
Dancing along Haight...
...
Our lengthy coffee shop talks...especially about the depths of memory in relation to childhood...
...
The days we'd sit out in the middle of the sidewalk because there was a patch of sun, and we needed it...
...

[anti_shatter]

My thoughts are with you sweetheart.
I don't know what to say, but you know how much I'll be thinking of you right now.
Those pictures are truly beautiful. I know you both had your ups and downs, but I don't think I've seen anyone ever look so at peace and so happy with someone, as she looks with you. Undeniabley so, no matter what might have been said in temper.

I won't pretend to know either of you, but I know that it might be years, perhaps never, when someone looks on me as she did on you.

My love. xx

[reconstruct_her]

The 6th picture down was her favorite of us. The funny thing is, neither of us ever remembered where it was taken.

The sudden move from SF down here ended up in me losing just about every photograph I had. I wish I still had all the ones we ever took.

At least, in me, I'll always have all the memories.

I know that sometimes she was at peace with me, and happy...and that fact is one I cherish most.
I just wish that somehow she would have realized how to be happy by herself, with herself and her life.

I know that no matter where life takes me I will never love anyone like I did her. To this day I cannot comprehend how she brought the sides of me out that she did, but...I know that I am one of the luckiest girls to have shared with her what we did, friendship, intimacy, both good and bad times...
...and you know...I'd never want to love someone like I did her, because no one should or could ever be compared to her and what she was and always will be to me.

This is the emptiest feeling.

[anti_shatter]

I cried on the way to work today. Not because I knew her, but I thought of you, what you've lost..I felt so empty.. I can't even explain. Then I thought of the pictures you had posted..and I thought, how can someone be so loved, but so lost..
Empathy is a bitch sometimes.
I never spoke to Paige in anyway shape or form, but I always remember something you passed on to me in a conversation from her..It went something like.."Walking along the edge of your teacup.." Isn't it wonderful when something spins around in your head for so long it won't come to the front when you want to recall it?
Anyway.. She looked, and sounded truly captivating from all I heard about her. A work of art.

Just think, she was most likely one of those girls that EVERYONE wanted a piece of..And she chose to share a piece with you, one you can keep always.

If you need to talk.. I wish I could offer more but.. If you want.. You know.. h.s.dale@blueyonder.co.uk

[reconstruct_her]

Yeah...just like it's hard for me to explain any of this or myself to anyone as of late.
I feel bad because I don't understand my feelings and defense mechanisms all too much since I found out, I just...know they are there.
Like my poor roomate, I can't bear talking to him about this/her...and he's right there...and I lock myself in my room instead and cry, or go to Shawna's...
...something about vulnerability...and how he's entirely too sensitive to my emotions than I can handle upfront from anyone right now.
All I could say to anyone last night was that this is the loneliest, emptiest place and it scares me shitless.
I lost that poem she'd written me, but remember it, mostly.
...and you're right, she has always been truly captivating...an absolute blessing.
I am at lack of the words I really mean to say to people, but someday when I am more sorted I will write.

[violetdoll]

I was pointed to this entry by someone and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know how much you loved her and how much she was a part of you. I don't want any drama or anything, I just wanted to give my condolences. they probably don't mean much but I couldn't just read and not say something. I can only assume that she is gone but hope you find comfort in knowing that she is at peace. when we lose someone, all we have left are our memories. write everything you can remember down, poetry she loved, her favorite songs, her outlook on life. sadly enough, with age comes fading memories and you will appreciate the fact that you took the time to document all you remember now to look back on later. take care of yourself.

[reconstruct_her]

I don't want drama or anything else like that either, don't worry...Your condolences actually mean a lot because they were the least expected.
I haven't been ready to document all my memories...right now it's just little bits and pieces that I think of and smile about. I think if I really thought too much about the years we knew each other, I'd crash right now...it's too fresh for that.

Anyhow...hope you're well.

[sl1ngsh0t]

Just dropping by to give you hugs and well-wishes :)The pix weren't here by the time I left this comment, but I hope the shared memories refresh you, and do not cause any pain :) Feel free to add me if you like.

Best,
Brenda

[reconstruct_her]

Yeah...I switched all my images to snapfish and didn't feel like going and fixing all my previous picture post.
I miss her like hell but I have to keep living, you know? Doesn't mean it doesn't sting sometimes, though.
I'll add you.