Passing Flame
Title: Passing Flame
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: JunSeung
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash (not graphic)
Word count: 2,383
Summary: In which Hyunseung believes his feelings are only temporary.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt.
Special A/N for the Jesters: I AM SO SORRY for the cruel way my previous two installments have treated Junhyung. I hope this helps me make up for it.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon
Hyunseung told himself it was just a passing flame. He told himself this every singe day. Each time Junhyung dropped his voice down into a low drawl as he practiced another rap, Hyunseung would tell himself that the speed of his heart only increased due to his inner artist's appreciation of the talent he was hearing. When Junhyung would strip his shirt off after several hours of difficult dance practice, Hyunseung would think to himself that his eyes were only wandering out of envy of the other's thinner body, and that his blush was only caused by the heat of the room and the intensity of the practice.
On the occasions Junhyung's tiredness caused him to abandon his usual sarcastic attitude in favor of his real ('Secret,' Hyunseung thought to himself), kind personality, the one he only showed rarely, and even then only to those people with whom he was particularly close, Hyunseung allowed himself to admit there was something there, something more than platonic. But he also knew that it would be short-lived, and hopefully sooner rather than later, he would go back to feeling about Junhyung the way he felt for the rest of his bandmates, as his brothers.
Though, he considered, maybe "short-lived" was becoming a bit of a stretch, because all of this had started almost four months prior. There wasn't some major event that took place, there was no moment of realization. Just one day, Hyunseung looked at Junhyung and knew that the warmth in his chest wasn't from some external force and he wasn't looking at Junhyung in that admiring kind of way he sometimes looked at Kikwang when he danced or Yoseob when he sang. It had been a weird sensation to adjust to, and a difficult one to accept. But as long as he could convince himself it was only temporary, Hyunseung could deal with these feelings.
Not that Junhyung was helping matters. Hyunseung had taken to avoiding being caught alone with Junhyung when he could help it. This, however, seemed to fuel Junhyung into finding as many opportunities as possible to get them alone. Sometimes it seemed to Hyunseung that they were in a sort of silent competition that neither was willing to acknowledge and nobody knew about but them. The boys would offer to go out and eat after a hard day's work and Hyunseung would stay behind, exhausted and in need of some time alone with his computer to respond to some fan tweets, then at the last minute Junhyung would choose to stay behind as well, effectively forcing them to spend an evening together in the dorm. Or they would separate into groups of two for some practice or another, and Hyunseung would try to stick himself like glue to another member of the group before Junhyung would come along and explain (with flawless logic, of course) exactly why that member would benefit most from being paired off with someone else, then claim Hyunseung for himself. More often than not, Hyunseung felt that Junhyung was vastly superior to him in this twisted little game they were playing. He suspected this may have been partly because something inside of Hyunseung really enjoyed their time together, no matter how much he wished he didn't.
So it was with some disappointment but no real surprise that Hyunseung found himself one evening, tired beyond reason, his body aching from a full day in the dance studio, alone in the dorm with Junhyung as the others headed out to a karaoke bar. He had been half-tempted to decide to tag along when he found out Junhyung wouldn't be going. But he really was completely out of energy, and all he wanted to do was lay in bed tweeting with his phone until he fell alseep.
As he sent out a tweet about their hard work that day, Junhyung slid into the bed beside Hyunseung's, laying on his side and looking at Hyunseung curiously. Hyunseung ignored him. He scrolled around until he found a tweet from a fan and he sent her a short but sincere reply. Junhyung was still staring. The older man glanced over briefly before finding another tweet to answer. When he realized Junhyung wasn't going to give up anytime soon, he huffed and looked over at him. "Can I help you with something?"
Junhyung blinked his tired eyes slowly. "Are you depressed?"
Hyunseung furrowed his brow. "Of course not; why would you think that?"
"You've been trying to stay here alone a lot. I thought you might be depressed or something. I didn't want you to be alone, in case you are."
Hyunseung was surprised by his response. He was extremely touched by the gesture, and a bit ashamed that he had thought Junhyung was trying to toy around with him by making sure they were together as often as he had. Moving to face Junhyung fully and leaning on his elbow, he asked, "Do the other guys think that too?"
Junhyung shook his head. "Doojoon thinks you've been tired a lot or something. I didn't want to say anything to them about what I thought in case I was wrong and they got all worried over nothing."
"Thank you," Hyunseung replied, looking away. These were the kinds of moments he wanted to avoid. When Junhyung showed just how big his heart could be, Hyunseung couldn't help but fall for him more and more. 'More and more?' he thought to himself. 'Since when was this anything as deep as that?' Returning his gaze to Junhyung, he continued, "I didn't mean to make you worry."
Junhyung smiled, the kind of small and sincere smile that made his eyes scrunch up at the corners and made Hyunseung's heart flutter just a little bit. "Alright, if you're not sad about something, then why have you been avoiding people?"
Hyunseung frowned. "I'm not avoiding people."
Junhyung released a puff of breath. "I was trying to ask in a generalized way, but if you're going to make me ask directly... Why have you been avoiding me?"
Setting his mouth in a firm line, Hyunseung rolled onto his back. He picked up his phone again as he replied, "I'm not. You're reading way too far into things."
As Hyunseung toyed around with his phone, Junhyung remained silent. After long moments during which Hyunseung grew more and more aware of Junhyung's eyes on him, Hyunseung finally set his phone aside again and asked, "What?"
"You've been avoiding me, Hyunseung."
"No, I haven't -" Suddenly, a mutual frustration seemed to break out as they began talking over one another.
"Yes, yes you have! Every time we try to -"
"You're crazy, I'm not having this discussion -"
"- do anything as a group, if you think I'll be there, you -"
"- because you're just talking like a crazy person, and I won't -"
"- decide you need to stay home, or spend your time with someone else -"
"- try to explain to you why I want to spend time -"
"- and you've already said you're not depressed, so why would you -"
"- with whomever I want to spend my time with, when this is all -"
"- feel the need to avoid me like I'm some kind of plague?!"
"- because I LIKE YOU!"
As the last three words were practically shouted into the small distance between them, Hyunseung's eyes grew as wide as saucers. His hand shot to his mouth, as though covering it could undo what he'd said. Meanwhile, Junhyung remained motionless and expressionless. When Hyunseung felt like he couldn't bear another moment of Junhyung's scrutinization, the younger man sat up, looking down at Hyunseung, his expression still blank. "Is that true?"
Hyunseung sat up as well, his head bowed, letting his hair cover his eyes as he responded, "Yeah, it is. I think I need to go for a walk." He stood from the bed, heading for the door.
By the time he'd reached the living room, he heard Junhyung moving around in the bedroom. He didn't wait to see if Junhyung had anything to add to the conversation; it only took him a moment to slide on his shoes and grab his coat, then he was out the door.
The cool air outside did little to alleviate the burn across his cheeks. He could barely think, let alone try to work out what he was going to do about this. So instead he pulled up his hood, crammed his hands into the pockets of his jacket and focused on putting one foot in front of the other as he walked away from the dorm. Briefly, he considered walking away and never returning. Certainly that would be easier than ever facing Junhyung again. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Footsteps approached him from behind at a fast pace, and Hyunseung bowed his head again to let his hair cover his eyes.
"Hey," Junhyung grabbed Hyunseung's elbow, halting his movements. He stepped in front of Hyunseung, facing him and said, "You don't just say that to a guy and then take off without giving him a chance to respond. That's not fair."
Hyunseung sniffed back the tears that threatened to spill and answered in a choked voice, "I'm sorry."
Junhyung let out a soft 'tch' under his breath. "How long have you been feeling... like that?"
Focusing on a crack in the sidewalk by his left foot, Hyunseung shrugged. "Maybe... four months now? Something like that."
"Were you ever gonna tell me?"
Hyunseung shook his head, feeling more tears begin to spring to his eyes.
"Why not?"
Again, Hyunseung shrugged. "I thought it would go away."
Junhyung sighed and tilted his head back, then placed his hands on the sides of Hyunseung's shoulders. "Can you look at me?" When Hyunseung didn't move, Junhyung added more quietly, "Please?"
Hyunseung took a deep breath, then lifted his head. Junhyung lowered the older man's hood as he did so, then watched as a tear fell from Hyunseung's eye and began its trek down his cheek.
"Hey, hey," Junhyung brushed the tear away with his thumb. "Don't cry. There's nothing happening worth crying over." Hyunseung took another deep breath and wiped at his eyes, nodding. "Now, can we go back inside? This isn't the kind of discussion you have in the middle of the sidewalk."
Hyunseung really didn't want to have any type of conversation, but he knew he owed Junhyung at least that much, so he followed behind Junhyung as they made their way back to the dorm. He had gone back to staring at the ground, shame filling every inch of his body, his feet feeling like they were covered in concrete as he forced himself to follow his bandmate.
When they finally reached the dorm, Hyunseung slipped off his shoes and stepped inside. In front of him, Junhyung turned to face Hyunseung, shutting the door behind the older man before pulling him close by his waist and kissing him. Hyunseung couldn't respond at first as shock froze him in place. Then he found that he'd regained at least his basic motor functions, and he pulled away from Junhyung, staring at him with wide eyes.
"I hope that wasn't too sudden," Junhyung stated.
"Sudden? It shouldn't be happening at all! Oh, God, what if the guys found out -"
"I'm pretty sure they already think we're sleeping together," supplied Junhyung with a chuckle.
"That's not even a little bit funny," Hyunseung chided. "And what about everyone outside of Beast? What about the fans?"
"They also think we're sleeping together."
Hyunseung hit Junhyung's arm hard as the younger man began to chuckle again. "This isn't a joke!"
"No, but it's not even half as serious as you're making it." When it seemed that Hyunseung was about to strike again, Junhyung held up a hand of surrender. "Look, I get it. People tend to frown on stuff like this." He pulled Hyunseung close again, arms wrapped around his waist. "And I don't care. I've been in love with you since the day I met you. Finding out you like me, it's like getting the best Christmas gift of my life or something. You think I'm gonna give that up so easily?"
"Junhyung, we can't..." Hyunseung pushed halfheartedly at Junhyung's shoulders.
"You're so negative right now. We can. I'm not asking you to put it on a banner and fly it all across Korea advertizing us as the new idol couple or something. I love you." He moved his hands to the sides of Hyunseung's face to look him squarely in the eyes. "I love you," he repeated in a softer tone. "And I want to be with you. And I'll go through whatever difficulties or secrecy or whatever it takes." He slid his hands down to Hyunseung's chest.
Hyunseung stared at Junhyung with incredulity. "If we were together, there's no way we could hide it from the other guys."
"No, we'd have to let them know."
"And if they hate it? If they want us out?"
"They're not like that, Hyunseung. Maybe they won't be thrilled, but I wasn't really joking before when I said I think they already think we're sleeping with each other. They're our friends. Before bandmates or any of the rest of it, they're some of our closest friends, and they care about us, and they still will."
Hyunseung wanted so badly to have faith in everything Junhyung was saying, but he was incredibly scared of what could happen. "What if word gets out and Beast is ruined?"
Junhyung sighed. "It won't. Please, enough what-ifs. I'm going to ask you once, and whatever your answer is, I'll accept it. If you think the risk is too great, I understand. But I'd do anything to make this work for us. Hyunseung, will you try to make this work with me? Will you be my boyfriend?"
These feelings were only supposed to be temporary. Hyunseung closed his eyes as he gave himself a few moments to think. But Junhyung's feelings weren't temporary. Was that what Hyunseung had to look forward to: years of unfulfilled desires and an unquenchable longing? When would his like turn to love, or had it already without him noticing? Would he spend the rest of his time in Beast regretting never trying to be with Junhyung, having to watch by his side through everything without being able to kiss him or hold him? Finally, Hyunseung opened his eyes. That wasn't a reality he wanted for himself or for Junhyung.
Though it scared him more than just about anything had before, Hyunseung adopted a small smile and answered, "Yes."
~끝~
Author: dracoslovebunny
Pairing: JunSeung
Status: Oneshot
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash (not graphic)
Word count: 2,383
Summary: In which Hyunseung believes his feelings are only temporary.
A/N: Written as part of my ongoing ALL-PAIRINGS 15-fic self-challenge. Each fic is a standalone (not part of the same storyline as the others). Fics are prompted by A Little Left of Logical. Title is the prompt.
Special A/N for the Jesters: I AM SO SORRY for the cruel way my previous two installments have treated Junhyung. I hope this helps me make up for it.
Previous Installments:
Accident/KiWoon // Imitation of Life/JunWoon
Hyunseung told himself it was just a passing flame. He told himself this every singe day. Each time Junhyung dropped his voice down into a low drawl as he practiced another rap, Hyunseung would tell himself that the speed of his heart only increased due to his inner artist's appreciation of the talent he was hearing. When Junhyung would strip his shirt off after several hours of difficult dance practice, Hyunseung would think to himself that his eyes were only wandering out of envy of the other's thinner body, and that his blush was only caused by the heat of the room and the intensity of the practice.
On the occasions Junhyung's tiredness caused him to abandon his usual sarcastic attitude in favor of his real ('Secret,' Hyunseung thought to himself), kind personality, the one he only showed rarely, and even then only to those people with whom he was particularly close, Hyunseung allowed himself to admit there was something there, something more than platonic. But he also knew that it would be short-lived, and hopefully sooner rather than later, he would go back to feeling about Junhyung the way he felt for the rest of his bandmates, as his brothers.
Though, he considered, maybe "short-lived" was becoming a bit of a stretch, because all of this had started almost four months prior. There wasn't some major event that took place, there was no moment of realization. Just one day, Hyunseung looked at Junhyung and knew that the warmth in his chest wasn't from some external force and he wasn't looking at Junhyung in that admiring kind of way he sometimes looked at Kikwang when he danced or Yoseob when he sang. It had been a weird sensation to adjust to, and a difficult one to accept. But as long as he could convince himself it was only temporary, Hyunseung could deal with these feelings.
Not that Junhyung was helping matters. Hyunseung had taken to avoiding being caught alone with Junhyung when he could help it. This, however, seemed to fuel Junhyung into finding as many opportunities as possible to get them alone. Sometimes it seemed to Hyunseung that they were in a sort of silent competition that neither was willing to acknowledge and nobody knew about but them. The boys would offer to go out and eat after a hard day's work and Hyunseung would stay behind, exhausted and in need of some time alone with his computer to respond to some fan tweets, then at the last minute Junhyung would choose to stay behind as well, effectively forcing them to spend an evening together in the dorm. Or they would separate into groups of two for some practice or another, and Hyunseung would try to stick himself like glue to another member of the group before Junhyung would come along and explain (with flawless logic, of course) exactly why that member would benefit most from being paired off with someone else, then claim Hyunseung for himself. More often than not, Hyunseung felt that Junhyung was vastly superior to him in this twisted little game they were playing. He suspected this may have been partly because something inside of Hyunseung really enjoyed their time together, no matter how much he wished he didn't.
So it was with some disappointment but no real surprise that Hyunseung found himself one evening, tired beyond reason, his body aching from a full day in the dance studio, alone in the dorm with Junhyung as the others headed out to a karaoke bar. He had been half-tempted to decide to tag along when he found out Junhyung wouldn't be going. But he really was completely out of energy, and all he wanted to do was lay in bed tweeting with his phone until he fell alseep.
As he sent out a tweet about their hard work that day, Junhyung slid into the bed beside Hyunseung's, laying on his side and looking at Hyunseung curiously. Hyunseung ignored him. He scrolled around until he found a tweet from a fan and he sent her a short but sincere reply. Junhyung was still staring. The older man glanced over briefly before finding another tweet to answer. When he realized Junhyung wasn't going to give up anytime soon, he huffed and looked over at him. "Can I help you with something?"
Junhyung blinked his tired eyes slowly. "Are you depressed?"
Hyunseung furrowed his brow. "Of course not; why would you think that?"
"You've been trying to stay here alone a lot. I thought you might be depressed or something. I didn't want you to be alone, in case you are."
Hyunseung was surprised by his response. He was extremely touched by the gesture, and a bit ashamed that he had thought Junhyung was trying to toy around with him by making sure they were together as often as he had. Moving to face Junhyung fully and leaning on his elbow, he asked, "Do the other guys think that too?"
Junhyung shook his head. "Doojoon thinks you've been tired a lot or something. I didn't want to say anything to them about what I thought in case I was wrong and they got all worried over nothing."
"Thank you," Hyunseung replied, looking away. These were the kinds of moments he wanted to avoid. When Junhyung showed just how big his heart could be, Hyunseung couldn't help but fall for him more and more. 'More and more?' he thought to himself. 'Since when was this anything as deep as that?' Returning his gaze to Junhyung, he continued, "I didn't mean to make you worry."
Junhyung smiled, the kind of small and sincere smile that made his eyes scrunch up at the corners and made Hyunseung's heart flutter just a little bit. "Alright, if you're not sad about something, then why have you been avoiding people?"
Hyunseung frowned. "I'm not avoiding people."
Junhyung released a puff of breath. "I was trying to ask in a generalized way, but if you're going to make me ask directly... Why have you been avoiding me?"
Setting his mouth in a firm line, Hyunseung rolled onto his back. He picked up his phone again as he replied, "I'm not. You're reading way too far into things."
As Hyunseung toyed around with his phone, Junhyung remained silent. After long moments during which Hyunseung grew more and more aware of Junhyung's eyes on him, Hyunseung finally set his phone aside again and asked, "What?"
"You've been avoiding me, Hyunseung."
"No, I haven't -" Suddenly, a mutual frustration seemed to break out as they began talking over one another.
"Yes, yes you have! Every time we try to -"
"You're crazy, I'm not having this discussion -"
"- do anything as a group, if you think I'll be there, you -"
"- because you're just talking like a crazy person, and I won't -"
"- decide you need to stay home, or spend your time with someone else -"
"- try to explain to you why I want to spend time -"
"- and you've already said you're not depressed, so why would you -"
"- with whomever I want to spend my time with, when this is all -"
"- feel the need to avoid me like I'm some kind of plague?!"
"- because I LIKE YOU!"
As the last three words were practically shouted into the small distance between them, Hyunseung's eyes grew as wide as saucers. His hand shot to his mouth, as though covering it could undo what he'd said. Meanwhile, Junhyung remained motionless and expressionless. When Hyunseung felt like he couldn't bear another moment of Junhyung's scrutinization, the younger man sat up, looking down at Hyunseung, his expression still blank. "Is that true?"
Hyunseung sat up as well, his head bowed, letting his hair cover his eyes as he responded, "Yeah, it is. I think I need to go for a walk." He stood from the bed, heading for the door.
By the time he'd reached the living room, he heard Junhyung moving around in the bedroom. He didn't wait to see if Junhyung had anything to add to the conversation; it only took him a moment to slide on his shoes and grab his coat, then he was out the door.
The cool air outside did little to alleviate the burn across his cheeks. He could barely think, let alone try to work out what he was going to do about this. So instead he pulled up his hood, crammed his hands into the pockets of his jacket and focused on putting one foot in front of the other as he walked away from the dorm. Briefly, he considered walking away and never returning. Certainly that would be easier than ever facing Junhyung again. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Footsteps approached him from behind at a fast pace, and Hyunseung bowed his head again to let his hair cover his eyes.
"Hey," Junhyung grabbed Hyunseung's elbow, halting his movements. He stepped in front of Hyunseung, facing him and said, "You don't just say that to a guy and then take off without giving him a chance to respond. That's not fair."
Hyunseung sniffed back the tears that threatened to spill and answered in a choked voice, "I'm sorry."
Junhyung let out a soft 'tch' under his breath. "How long have you been feeling... like that?"
Focusing on a crack in the sidewalk by his left foot, Hyunseung shrugged. "Maybe... four months now? Something like that."
"Were you ever gonna tell me?"
Hyunseung shook his head, feeling more tears begin to spring to his eyes.
"Why not?"
Again, Hyunseung shrugged. "I thought it would go away."
Junhyung sighed and tilted his head back, then placed his hands on the sides of Hyunseung's shoulders. "Can you look at me?" When Hyunseung didn't move, Junhyung added more quietly, "Please?"
Hyunseung took a deep breath, then lifted his head. Junhyung lowered the older man's hood as he did so, then watched as a tear fell from Hyunseung's eye and began its trek down his cheek.
"Hey, hey," Junhyung brushed the tear away with his thumb. "Don't cry. There's nothing happening worth crying over." Hyunseung took another deep breath and wiped at his eyes, nodding. "Now, can we go back inside? This isn't the kind of discussion you have in the middle of the sidewalk."
Hyunseung really didn't want to have any type of conversation, but he knew he owed Junhyung at least that much, so he followed behind Junhyung as they made their way back to the dorm. He had gone back to staring at the ground, shame filling every inch of his body, his feet feeling like they were covered in concrete as he forced himself to follow his bandmate.
When they finally reached the dorm, Hyunseung slipped off his shoes and stepped inside. In front of him, Junhyung turned to face Hyunseung, shutting the door behind the older man before pulling him close by his waist and kissing him. Hyunseung couldn't respond at first as shock froze him in place. Then he found that he'd regained at least his basic motor functions, and he pulled away from Junhyung, staring at him with wide eyes.
"I hope that wasn't too sudden," Junhyung stated.
"Sudden? It shouldn't be happening at all! Oh, God, what if the guys found out -"
"I'm pretty sure they already think we're sleeping together," supplied Junhyung with a chuckle.
"That's not even a little bit funny," Hyunseung chided. "And what about everyone outside of Beast? What about the fans?"
"They also think we're sleeping together."
Hyunseung hit Junhyung's arm hard as the younger man began to chuckle again. "This isn't a joke!"
"No, but it's not even half as serious as you're making it." When it seemed that Hyunseung was about to strike again, Junhyung held up a hand of surrender. "Look, I get it. People tend to frown on stuff like this." He pulled Hyunseung close again, arms wrapped around his waist. "And I don't care. I've been in love with you since the day I met you. Finding out you like me, it's like getting the best Christmas gift of my life or something. You think I'm gonna give that up so easily?"
"Junhyung, we can't..." Hyunseung pushed halfheartedly at Junhyung's shoulders.
"You're so negative right now. We can. I'm not asking you to put it on a banner and fly it all across Korea advertizing us as the new idol couple or something. I love you." He moved his hands to the sides of Hyunseung's face to look him squarely in the eyes. "I love you," he repeated in a softer tone. "And I want to be with you. And I'll go through whatever difficulties or secrecy or whatever it takes." He slid his hands down to Hyunseung's chest.
Hyunseung stared at Junhyung with incredulity. "If we were together, there's no way we could hide it from the other guys."
"No, we'd have to let them know."
"And if they hate it? If they want us out?"
"They're not like that, Hyunseung. Maybe they won't be thrilled, but I wasn't really joking before when I said I think they already think we're sleeping with each other. They're our friends. Before bandmates or any of the rest of it, they're some of our closest friends, and they care about us, and they still will."
Hyunseung wanted so badly to have faith in everything Junhyung was saying, but he was incredibly scared of what could happen. "What if word gets out and Beast is ruined?"
Junhyung sighed. "It won't. Please, enough what-ifs. I'm going to ask you once, and whatever your answer is, I'll accept it. If you think the risk is too great, I understand. But I'd do anything to make this work for us. Hyunseung, will you try to make this work with me? Will you be my boyfriend?"
These feelings were only supposed to be temporary. Hyunseung closed his eyes as he gave himself a few moments to think. But Junhyung's feelings weren't temporary. Was that what Hyunseung had to look forward to: years of unfulfilled desires and an unquenchable longing? When would his like turn to love, or had it already without him noticing? Would he spend the rest of his time in Beast regretting never trying to be with Junhyung, having to watch by his side through everything without being able to kiss him or hold him? Finally, Hyunseung opened his eyes. That wasn't a reality he wanted for himself or for Junhyung.
Though it scared him more than just about anything had before, Hyunseung adopted a small smile and answered, "Yes."
~끝~