Fic: What a Thing to Have Done (1/1)
Title: What a Thing to Have Done
Rating: R (language mostly)
Word count: 1300
Summary: Sam starts to shut down after Jess dies.
Author’s Note: Part of a (yet to be named) ‘verse in which Sam is deaf and Dean is an awesome brother and sometimes John isn't the best. This one is mostly Sam 'n Dean and takes place right at the beginning of Season 1. (Also, for you ASL linguists out there, I decided to write the English interpretation of what Sam signs rather than use a type of ASL gloss.)
---
Sam never thought he’d see his world go up in flames. He’d left that life behind him and things were supposed to be different now, normal. Everything was supposed to be okay because he was going to marry Jess and go to law school and be done with the hunt forever, but then there’s blood dripping from the ceiling and everything bursts into red and she’s burning and it’s so hot and he can’t reach her and she’s burning.
Sam screams, because she’s always wanted to hear his voice (come on Sammy, just say something, anything) and why can’t he reach her, she’s burning.
He feels strong arms wrap around him and start pushing him away, and he doesn’t have time to look and see who it is because he’s still screaming, a mantra of no no no no no spilling from his lips because that’s all he knows how to say. The arms just grip him tighter, and then Dean is in his face and Sam can tell he’s yelling but he doesn’t care because Jess.
Dean doesn’t let go, and then they’re outside and just like that, she’s gone. Everything is gone.
---
Dean drives. It’s four in the morning and Dean has no idea where he’s going, but he keeps going anyway. Next to him, Sam is silent. He’s managed to fold his legs up to his chest, his head resting on his knees, and he’s barely moved an inch since Dean started driving. Dean checks every now and then to make sure he’s still breathing (because sometimes Sam gets so inside his head that everything else just shuts down and he literally forgets to breathe), and Sam just stares straight ahead at the empty road in front of them.
Dean pulls over. He twists his hands as they grip the wheel, thinks where the fuck do we go from here, and for a moment it’s all too much because this isn’t how it was supposed to go down, but then Sam turns and looks at him for the first time since they got in the car and shit, he can’t lose it now so he opens the door and spills out of the car, motioning with his hand for Sam to follow and then he’s walking out into the open field lining the road.
He doesn’t so much see Sam begin to follow him as he hears him, and a few paces later Sam has fallen into step beside him. Dean doesn’t stop walking until they can no longer see the highway. He tilts his head back and looks at the sky, feels the wind dance across his skin. There isn’t a cloud in sight and it’s lit completely with stars and he doesn’t want to look away so he lies down, folds his hands behind his head and just looks. They used to do this all the time when they were kids. When things got to be too much, they’d go out in the middle of the night when Dad wasn’t around and just stare up at the sky, breathe and forget the world for a moment, and when they would go back inside they’d be okay again. Until the next time.
It takes Sam a moment, like he isn’t sure if he wants to let himself do this or not, but eventually Sam curls up against Dean’s chest and that’s all it takes. He cries and he cries and he cries, and Dean can’t bring himself to say a word, so he nestles his fingers in the hair at the nape of Sam’s neck and keeps his eyes on the stars, tries to keep his heartbeat a steady thrum underneath Sam’s cheek.
Sam doesn’t stop crying until the sun starts to peak over the horizon. His face is puffy and swollen when Dean finally sits up and takes a look at him, and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever seen so much grief on one person’s face before-not even Dad after the fire, not even his own when Dad explained to him that Mom wasn’t coming back-and it scares the shit out of him.
'Sammy,' he signs, a million questions contained in that one word and Sam is looking at him with those eyes and Dean has no idea what the fuck to do, but Sam gives him a nod (hasn’t said a word since they left Stanford), and then they’re brushing themselves off and heading back to the car and not looking back because that’s what they do.
Dean drives. He still has no idea where he’s going, but Sam’s still breathing and they suddenly have all the time in the world (Dad’s missing, Jess is gone). Next to him, Sam closes his eyes.
Dean turns up the radio.
---
It’s been a week. Sam has nightmares and gasps in his sleep, and Dean doesn’t know whether to wake him or just let it happen because Sam barely ever sleeps anymore. In the end he just keeps driving because this is home now. Dean thinks this could be normal, but Sam still hasn’t said a word and he can’t shake the feeling that something’s about to break.
Two days later Sam stops eating because everything tastes of ash (Dean hears him throwing up in the bathroom after) and Dean says, “Sammy. Sammy, please,” but Sam won’t look at him and his words drop straight to the ground.
---
They go to Bobby’s.
They’re standing in the middle of the junkyard, and Dean gives Sam a crowbar and signs, 'Go crazy.'
Sam studies the weight in his hand for a moment, then turns and smashes the window of the closest car to him. Dean steps back and Sam keeps swinging, until his body is too exhausted (he still won’t eat and what good is sleep if you wake up more tired than before?) and he sinks to the ground and when did he start crying and why is his throat so raw?
Dean crouches down beside him, rests his chin on top of Sam’s head and gently shushes him. Sam reaches out and grips Dean’s shirt like it’s the only thing keeping him from falling off the edge of the earth. He cries and he screams and he shakes.
Dean never lets go.
---
“Here.” Bobby places a sandwich on the table. Sam stares at it like he’s never seen food before in his life. Dean looks at Bobby. Bobby looks at Sam. “Alright, look,” he says, and picks up the sandwich and takes a bite. “Ain’t nothing wrong with it. Try it.”
---
Sam eats a bowl of soup three days later. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever been so relieved in his life.
---
It’s been three weeks and Sam’s first words are 'I think there’s something wrong with me' but Dean is so fucking happy to see his brother talking again that he just grins and Sam furrows his eyebrows but Dean can’t stop fucking smiling.
Then he finally gets his shit together and says, “You’re no more fucked up than the rest of us,” and then Sam lets a ghost of a smile reach the corners of his lips and Dean thinks he could just die right now because Sammy’s back and fuck, he missed him.
---
'B-L-A-C-K-W-A-T-E-R R-I-D-G-E,' Sam fingerspells. That’s where the coordinates lead to. 'You think Dad is there?' They’re back in the Impala and the music is blaring and Sam is breathing and he’s eating and he’s talking and thank god.
'Only one way to find out,' Dean signs, and presses down on the gas just a little bit harder.
end.
Rating: R (language mostly)
Word count: 1300
Summary: Sam starts to shut down after Jess dies.
Author’s Note: Part of a (yet to be named) ‘verse in which Sam is deaf and Dean is an awesome brother and sometimes John isn't the best. This one is mostly Sam 'n Dean and takes place right at the beginning of Season 1. (Also, for you ASL linguists out there, I decided to write the English interpretation of what Sam signs rather than use a type of ASL gloss.)
---
Sam never thought he’d see his world go up in flames. He’d left that life behind him and things were supposed to be different now, normal. Everything was supposed to be okay because he was going to marry Jess and go to law school and be done with the hunt forever, but then there’s blood dripping from the ceiling and everything bursts into red and she’s burning and it’s so hot and he can’t reach her and she’s burning.
Sam screams, because she’s always wanted to hear his voice (come on Sammy, just say something, anything) and why can’t he reach her, she’s burning.
He feels strong arms wrap around him and start pushing him away, and he doesn’t have time to look and see who it is because he’s still screaming, a mantra of no no no no no spilling from his lips because that’s all he knows how to say. The arms just grip him tighter, and then Dean is in his face and Sam can tell he’s yelling but he doesn’t care because Jess.
Dean doesn’t let go, and then they’re outside and just like that, she’s gone. Everything is gone.
---
Dean drives. It’s four in the morning and Dean has no idea where he’s going, but he keeps going anyway. Next to him, Sam is silent. He’s managed to fold his legs up to his chest, his head resting on his knees, and he’s barely moved an inch since Dean started driving. Dean checks every now and then to make sure he’s still breathing (because sometimes Sam gets so inside his head that everything else just shuts down and he literally forgets to breathe), and Sam just stares straight ahead at the empty road in front of them.
Dean pulls over. He twists his hands as they grip the wheel, thinks where the fuck do we go from here, and for a moment it’s all too much because this isn’t how it was supposed to go down, but then Sam turns and looks at him for the first time since they got in the car and shit, he can’t lose it now so he opens the door and spills out of the car, motioning with his hand for Sam to follow and then he’s walking out into the open field lining the road.
He doesn’t so much see Sam begin to follow him as he hears him, and a few paces later Sam has fallen into step beside him. Dean doesn’t stop walking until they can no longer see the highway. He tilts his head back and looks at the sky, feels the wind dance across his skin. There isn’t a cloud in sight and it’s lit completely with stars and he doesn’t want to look away so he lies down, folds his hands behind his head and just looks. They used to do this all the time when they were kids. When things got to be too much, they’d go out in the middle of the night when Dad wasn’t around and just stare up at the sky, breathe and forget the world for a moment, and when they would go back inside they’d be okay again. Until the next time.
It takes Sam a moment, like he isn’t sure if he wants to let himself do this or not, but eventually Sam curls up against Dean’s chest and that’s all it takes. He cries and he cries and he cries, and Dean can’t bring himself to say a word, so he nestles his fingers in the hair at the nape of Sam’s neck and keeps his eyes on the stars, tries to keep his heartbeat a steady thrum underneath Sam’s cheek.
Sam doesn’t stop crying until the sun starts to peak over the horizon. His face is puffy and swollen when Dean finally sits up and takes a look at him, and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever seen so much grief on one person’s face before-not even Dad after the fire, not even his own when Dad explained to him that Mom wasn’t coming back-and it scares the shit out of him.
'Sammy,' he signs, a million questions contained in that one word and Sam is looking at him with those eyes and Dean has no idea what the fuck to do, but Sam gives him a nod (hasn’t said a word since they left Stanford), and then they’re brushing themselves off and heading back to the car and not looking back because that’s what they do.
Dean drives. He still has no idea where he’s going, but Sam’s still breathing and they suddenly have all the time in the world (Dad’s missing, Jess is gone). Next to him, Sam closes his eyes.
Dean turns up the radio.
---
It’s been a week. Sam has nightmares and gasps in his sleep, and Dean doesn’t know whether to wake him or just let it happen because Sam barely ever sleeps anymore. In the end he just keeps driving because this is home now. Dean thinks this could be normal, but Sam still hasn’t said a word and he can’t shake the feeling that something’s about to break.
Two days later Sam stops eating because everything tastes of ash (Dean hears him throwing up in the bathroom after) and Dean says, “Sammy. Sammy, please,” but Sam won’t look at him and his words drop straight to the ground.
---
They go to Bobby’s.
They’re standing in the middle of the junkyard, and Dean gives Sam a crowbar and signs, 'Go crazy.'
Sam studies the weight in his hand for a moment, then turns and smashes the window of the closest car to him. Dean steps back and Sam keeps swinging, until his body is too exhausted (he still won’t eat and what good is sleep if you wake up more tired than before?) and he sinks to the ground and when did he start crying and why is his throat so raw?
Dean crouches down beside him, rests his chin on top of Sam’s head and gently shushes him. Sam reaches out and grips Dean’s shirt like it’s the only thing keeping him from falling off the edge of the earth. He cries and he screams and he shakes.
Dean never lets go.
---
“Here.” Bobby places a sandwich on the table. Sam stares at it like he’s never seen food before in his life. Dean looks at Bobby. Bobby looks at Sam. “Alright, look,” he says, and picks up the sandwich and takes a bite. “Ain’t nothing wrong with it. Try it.”
---
Sam eats a bowl of soup three days later. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever been so relieved in his life.
---
It’s been three weeks and Sam’s first words are 'I think there’s something wrong with me' but Dean is so fucking happy to see his brother talking again that he just grins and Sam furrows his eyebrows but Dean can’t stop fucking smiling.
Then he finally gets his shit together and says, “You’re no more fucked up than the rest of us,” and then Sam lets a ghost of a smile reach the corners of his lips and Dean thinks he could just die right now because Sammy’s back and fuck, he missed him.
---
'B-L-A-C-K-W-A-T-E-R R-I-D-G-E,' Sam fingerspells. That’s where the coordinates lead to. 'You think Dad is there?' They’re back in the Impala and the music is blaring and Sam is breathing and he’s eating and he’s talking and thank god.
'Only one way to find out,' Dean signs, and presses down on the gas just a little bit harder.
end.