Poem in progress...

[readingredhead]

The assignment: write a two-part poem. Part one should detail a certain experience, and part two should present the same happenings from a different vantage point, outside of the immediate experience

Comments

[transientrain]

Try changing the point of view of one of them... or is that not allowed?

[readingredhead]

Definitely allowed. The problem is that I kind of like the idea that the women in one doesn't actually know these things about the couple she sees--that she's making it up about them, and the thing the envies about them aren't even things that she knows are true, which makes her situation even more pathetic (and she probably knows it).

Also...the problem is that I really love the "you" of two and don't want to change it a bit, but I can't think of any other counterpart to "you" that isn't "I." I'm mulling it over though, certainly...I understand what you're saying, just not how I'd go about it...

[transientrain]

Tug at it! It's definitely worth the effort!

[ext_37496]

Darn. I see what you mean, there's something in two that's real, and one doesn't quite have that the same way.

But I think that in two, the speaker isn't a character, while in one she's the center of attention. (In two the "you" is definitely the reader, while in one it doesn't seem to be.) And it's kinda pulling the poem down too in comparison to two.

Unfortunately I don't have a solution for you. Heh.

[pippins_smile]

Iiiiiii like this! I love how the first one feels so perfectly, contentedly intimate, but the second one is like zooming out on the camera, to get the real, bigger, darker picture.