The Lack of Better Options (fic)
Title: The Lack of Better Options
Fandom: Heroes
Rating: PG
Word Count: 970
Characters/Pairings: Claire, Sylar (mentions of Peter)
Disclaimer: Don’t own.
Spoilers/Time Line: After everything
Summery: A conversation at a coffee shop between Claire & Sylar, years down the line. This fic operates under the belief that due to Sylar & Claire's immortality (and perhaps lack of better options), they have an antagonistic friendship (half friends/half foes) and occasionally meet up to talk with Peter. Though they haven't spoken in ten years due to a falling out. About fish. Yeah, you read that right.
Author’s Notes: co-written with my bestest bud gimmemypickle . all the funny is her fault, all the lame mine. ;D
"I take it you're still not speaking to me, Claire?"
"You guess correctly, jerk."
"You spoke."
"Blow me."
"Come on, you still can't be angry about the fish."
"That is precisely what I am still angry about, Sylar!"
"It's been ten years. You probably don't even remember their names."
"Oscar, Humbert, Octavius, Lorna, Marple, Odysseus, Frida and Mr. Sparkles McGuff."
"I see you inherited your dearly departed mother's talent for naming."
"You think now's the time to bring that up, really?"
"... Fair enough."
*
"You murdered my fish! You strung them up like Christmas lights! Which, by the way, I totally know you stole from Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
"Fine, I killed your fish! Are you happy now?"
"Why did you murder my innocent fish? What did they ever do to you?"
"I didn't intentionally kill them, alright?!"
"The mangled fish beg to differ!"
"I sleepwalk."
"What?"
"I did it the night that I was watching your fish and I knocked over the aquarium. I didn't realize it until morning, and by then it was too late."
"So, what, you accidentally killed the fish, but to save face, you poked holes in them and strung them up on my window?"
"That's about it, yeah."
"I can't believe I am (sort of) friends with such a psycho."
"Aww! Friends! Really?"
*
"So, you watch Buffy?"
"There was a marathon and I didn't want to get up to get the remote."
"Why didn't you just use your telekinesis?"
"Shut up."
"You have a guy crush on Angelus, don't you?"
"We should order now."
"You wish he could have been your mentor."
"I think I'll just have a coffee and a chocolate doughnut."
"That's going to go straight to your hips, and then you so won't be able to pull off those leather pants."
"I can kill one of your other pets, you know. Didn't you just adopt a new puppy? Mr. Muggles 11.0?"
"Shutting up."
*
"So, how's Peter's girlfriend? Lola was her name, wasn't it?"
"Actually, it's Lisa. And she's dead."
"Another one?"
"Yep."
"What happened this time?"
"He took her back in time as an anniversary present."
"And...?"
"Gave her the Black Death."
"He gave her the Plague?"
"Mm'hmm. It was pretty gross. He just ended up having to leave her there."
"How's he taking it?"
"As well as can be expected. Lisa was #239 in a 114 year period, so it's getting easier."
"The Petrelli family should come with a warning label."
"Like your family was the embodiment of normalcy?"
"Fair point."
*
"Aren't you dating the great great granddaughter of your (sort of) ex-girlfriend that you killed but brought back to life only to abandon her for a life of murder and power stealing? You belong on Jerry Springer."
"Puppy."
"Fine."
*
"Great, now you've scared the waitress."
"What! All I did was smile at her. I can't be nice?"
"Not really, no. ... Stop that, I said! Now we'll never get any service."
"You can say that again. Looks like Peter started hitting on her. At least now we won't have to tip her."
"You're such a cheap bastard."
"Fifty bucks says she's dead by the end of the week."
"Aww you've got to give Peter a little more credit than that. ... I'll give it a month before he accidentally stews her in a volcano."
"You're on. He didn't really do that did he?"
*
"Maybe we should get Peter some mental help?"
"Says the guy who has actual mental problems."
"Hey that's not fair! I'm working on those. And you don't think systematic disposal of ones girlfriends is a problem?"
"Well, when you put it that way ..."
"At least I was more direct, not hiding behind accidents."
"Your mother-"
"Bring it up again and I'll kill every fish on of this godforsaken planet."
"You will not! And do you know why? Because I will stop at nothing to make sure you never take another life, Sylar! "
"... Got that out of your system?"
"You know I have to say that at least once during our little meetings. There are quotas that must be met."
"Touche."
*
"Oh will you look at that. I forgot my purse. Mind picking this one up for me?"
"You said you'd get the bill this time."
"Well, my money in my other severed skullcap so ... could you get it?"
"I knew you were going to do this. I knew you were going to try to leave me with the bill, which is why I didn't bring any money."
"You're the one who wants to hand out all the damn time. Why should I have to pay?"
"Because it's polite."
"Oh now you're worried about etiquette? When I distinctly remember you breaking into my house and slicing my head opened."
"I APOLOGIZED FOR THAT! And I let Mr. Muggles 1.0 out before there was bloodshed. I spared him."
"... get the bill, Sylar. For the shear amount of time you spent tormenting me, you are in my debt for all eternity I'd say."
"I didn't bring any money, Claire ... Guess I'll just have to kill everybody in this diner to curb our embarrassment."
"It's called dine and dash, dude."
"Claire that's tacky."
"I'm sure they'd much rather us stiff them a couple bucks then to be turned into actual stiffs."
"Oh nice play on words, Claire. Bravo."
"Suck it, bitch! ... Hey, I've got a plan that could get us outta here sans blood shed."
"Lay it on me then."
*
"I thought you said sans blood shed."
"What? Oh I meant theirs. By the way you can take that fork out of your eye now. People are starting to stare."
"You can be so mean, Claire. Would it hurt you to say please?"
"I have another fork. May I please use it on you?"