Hmmm... Martiza looks like Serena's mother? That would mean that she would look middle-aged. Much too old for Darian, ne? It could be read as an insult. I think the first time, you should say that she looks like she could be Serena's older sister. Or a young aunt, maybe. The second time when Raye has realized that she looks like QS, then she could think mother.
Mina's splay-hand point seemed odd to me for some reason. Haha, I keep thinking it's like she's trying to cast a spell on Martiza. *grin*
Typos. I shall have to get to your typos one of these days, but there is a glaringly obvious one in here. I shall leave it as the easy plum for you to find. *s-l-o-w smile*
Glaring typo... I have to find an obvious one? Okay.
I fixed the mother sister thing. And the hand splayed thing is just she motioned to her with an open hand, you know the one when you don't point with a finger, but you are pointing but waving in their directions.
Awww... You missed it. Come on now (*said coaxingly*), it really is obvious. A "She" instead of a "Her". (ED: as in you said "She" instead of "Her". That was confusing.) I'll even be nice and tell you it is a Martiza referencing sentence.
How about "Her fingers splayed a little as she flipped her hand towards Martiza." That evenhanded splayed finger thing still bothers me...
Oh yeah. Breakfast. I was heading there, wasn't I?
Almost forgot about this series and the characters. I really liked this one out of the others you've written. I continue to hope that this series branches out with the other characters. I'm sure this series isn't done right ;) You know the ending is just begging to have more told.
Comments 7
Mina's splay-hand point seemed odd to me for some reason. Haha, I keep thinking it's like she's trying to cast a spell on Martiza. *grin*
Typos. I shall have to get to your typos one of these days, but there is a glaringly obvious one in here. I shall leave it as the easy plum for you to find. *s-l-o-w smile*
Reply
I fixed the mother sister thing. And the hand splayed thing is just she motioned to her with an open hand, you know the one when you don't point with a finger, but you are pointing but waving in their directions.
Reply
How about "Her fingers splayed a little as she flipped her hand towards Martiza." That evenhanded splayed finger thing still bothers me...
Oh yeah. Breakfast. I was heading there, wasn't I?
Reply
And as a consolation prize, I changed the sentence that was bothering you.
Breakfast? No that was a chocolate chip cookie. Now it is time to hang clothes.
Reply
Reply
And you really like the series or this story in particular out of all the other ones. Just curious, but am willing to take the ego petting either way.
Reply
Leave a comment