(Untitled)

[sheankelor]

Clunky, stilted... I'll come back and see what I can do, unless one of you guys tells me it is okay. ed: I chopped off the whole end, and now we are left with this stubby section. Do I need to broaden it

Comments

[seniumboy]

I like this. I can't put my finger on what it is, but something in the story just makes everything flow just right. There's no need to change anything like dialog and such. Maybe mention the skin tone/hair of the emissaries. And that, if they were cold, there would be other ways to tell aside from goosebumps :)

[sheankelor]

Thank you... the clunky part was removed and changed into it's own story, completely modified.

And of course there are other ways to tell their chilly... But Selenity wasn't going to mention the shivering. ^-~

*skips away giggling*

[raya_light]

Smart Selenity... You wouldn't want to offend your new guests, ne? ^-^

Missing single quote at the beginning of Selenity's thoughts.

Her composer returned <-- Really? Was he busy elsewhere writing up a theme song for this season? *giggles* Oh! Composure... I kinda liked composer, though...

That was a good place to edit it. The meeting works much better in the next session (and yes I read it the old way first, geeze. *winks*).

[sheankelor]

I figured you did, and I'm glad the new way is better. And of course he was composing a new theme song. She felt she needed her own.