On Social Handling Of Abuse/Assault Fallout

[rax]

Content warning: Abuse, rape, sexual assault, discussions of self-harm, PTSD, rax being angry. Maybe other things. This isn't really nice rax and this isn't about nice things. I know a couple of folks just friended me and like. This probably isn't where to start your raxperience? :P

Comments

[rax]

I appreciate this, thank you. I considered a restraining order, but X would probably challenge it, which would lead to having to face X in court, which would lead to having to interact with X and tell the whole all-the-nasty-details story in semipublic and just. ugh. They've been pretty good about leaving me alone and I think doing nothing is the best way to keep it that way?

(I did briefly consider pressing charges at one point, but I don't trust the justice system to be fair to either of us because of our various marginalized identities --- and I do trust it to be shittier to X than X deserves.)

In all seriousness, it is my belief that people who want to hedge their bets and retain relationships with both you and X are setting up social conditions under which assault might happen to other people.

Yes. This is kind of why I hate this situation (other than the, you know, trauma bit), and the reason I'm making this post now is that I'm pretty sure this is happening. :( :( :(

[ff00ff]

I neither know who X is nor if I interact with you or they regularly in not in-person ways. I do know I don't interact with either of you in in-person ways. If you know more than me and know where you interact with me or X interacts with me online, and something I could do in that venue would better make you comfortable in that venue I am open to it.

[rax]

I am like 99% sure you don't know them. If you're super concerned, message me privately and I'll make sure.

(You almost certainly don't interact with me online without knowing you do, unless you're in Homestuck fandom? I'm not in any of the usual furry places.)

[csbermack]

Your list of boundaries is generally good and I am glad to see them explicitly written down. It helps your friends to have them.

I have a comment about your boundaries list, because there is a thing that is squicky to me. It's asking friends to warn others that X is dangerous.

It is okay that you have that boundary; it crosses my boundaries in an uncomfortable way.

You're asking me to try to control someone else's behavior on your behalf, asking for me to intervene in something three tiers out from you. (Tier one: stuff directly to do with you. Tier two: stuff between me and someone else. Tier three: stuff between someone else and someone else). I might decide to do it anyway, either out of respect for your boundaries or because of my own discomfort, but I still don't like being asked for it.

But again, it is okay for you to feel that way, and for you to want people to do that. Your safety comes first

[rax]

I think that's understandable, and I probably should have said both in the partners section and there that I understand that those things have internal and external costs, and not everyone will be able to do them all the time.

I get what you're saying about third-level boundaries, but I also think that the intersection with community boundaries is important --- it's not that I wasnt someone to be meddling in other individual decisions, I want to extend my safety to the safety of my community, especially in small communities full of vulnerable people who like to hang out in sexually charged atmospheres. The thing I'm trying to avoid is the missing stair, I guess? If X wanders off into model train enthusiasts and starts chilling with folks there, sure I'll talk to them if they need to know something, but otherwise that's not my problem and not really my friends' problem either (unless they're model train enthusiasts, I guess). But inside my community --- which I probably should have specified --- I do think this kind of thing is

[csbermack]

I think missing stair and community action are a different question from the set of "and I have to fade from you" questions. Not everyone is able to be invested in actively challenging the missing stairs -- and that is okay, but if they happen to be friends with you they still have to not violate your boundaries.

In the context of this conversation, I suggest:

Part 1 of challenging missing stairs: there becomes a norm of people stating their boundaries and others supporting them. That goes a long way right there, and I think if something like your list became a norm then many people wouldn't have to do very much work of figuring out their own explicit boundaries because the space would be a world of safer. Modelling good behavior -- and also this is not your job, this is your friends' job.

Part 2 of challenging missing stairs: the people who can do it work on active bystander effect. "Dude that is not cool", the warnings you mention, etc.

[rax]

I think that's fair. I'm pretty sure that if someone did everything else and just really wasn't up to the missing stair challenging, that would be fine. But it's definitely one of the things that contributes to my comfort level with someone, whether or not they participate in that process? So I'm hesitant to not have it on the list in some form, because it is one of the things that's important to me.

[jadia]

I just want to say that I completely support what you are doing here and that I wish you felt more supported everywhere in your life in this. I don't think you should have to be up front and loud about things to be supported, but if you want to be, I think you should get to be.

I think your list is perfectly reasonable to ask for. Regarding the warning others about X part, you may want to include a note as to how much information about you that you'd like to be disclosed, or not disclosed. (Maybe that's what "some level of receipts from me" means, but I didn't understand it.)

[rax]

Yeah, I need to think more about how to word that, and also what exactly I want it to mean. :P Thank you!

[crschmidt]

All of your reasonable-to-ask-for things seem reasonable to ask for to me.

[rax]

Thank you.