Romancing the Pain - Part 9
Title: Romancing the Pain
Rating: M
Pairing: Pepa/Silvia
Summary: Post episode 104 as well as my last fic, Come Back to Me. It’s basically its sequel; the events that occur after Silvia was released from the hospital.
A/N: Hello boys and girls…uh…ladies and gentlemen. *clears throat* This chapter is totally, completely, wholly and utterly dedicated to !JUNEBUG! . Why? Cuz the woman sat and read all EIGHT chapters of this story in one go. Everybody please give my wife a round of applause because honest to goodness, that was a lot of angst and ouchy ouch for her to read through. *claps repeatedly* Juney, honey, this one’s for you. I hope I did your big, fat, dedication justice. Besitos! Hope the rest of y’all enjoy it too!
ROMANCING THE PAIN - Part 9
It was that hour of the night, the twilight hour. Not quite morning, not quite night. But it commanded quiet, reverence for its presence. It blanketed the cities and streets with a hushed stillness and dusted the midnight blue skies with diamond shaped stars. All was quiet in this twilight hour, save for the steady breathing of two women who lay in bed, entangled around the other, their naked bodies painted over with a silvery light emanating from the full moon. It poured through the open window and draped itself over them, illuminating their skins to an almost supernatural glow.
Silvia lay on her back, Pepa in her arms. The taller woman was fast asleep, lulled into Morpheus’ embrace by the steady beating of Silvia’s heart. Silvia on the other hand, was wide awake. She had spent the better part of the night simply playing with strands of Pepa’s ebony hair, sifting its silky softness through her fingers, marveling at the texture. Her eyes ran repeatedly over Pepa’s face, memorizing the arch of her eyebrows, her high cheekbones with its faint rosy hue, the shape and fullness of Pepa’s lips. For the better part of the night, Silvia did nothing else but cradle this precious package against her, cherishing every moment, every touch, every look.
The redhead shifted her head slightly as a soft tune was to be heard crooning from a stereo on the dresser top. Sharp ears picked out the lyrics, lyrics that plucked at Silvia’s heartstrings as a guitarist would to their guitar.
I wanna touch your skin, I wanna taste it
I wanna feel that love like we used to make it
Silvia unconsciously leaned down and dropped a kiss onto the top of Pepa’s head. Yes. She wanted the love they shared back. She wanted to revel in its brilliance, bask in its warmth. She wanted her knees to knock together when Pepa smiled that crooked grin at her. She wanted to feel that fire in her belly when Pepa turned eyes, smoldering with unbridled passion onto her. She wanted Pepa, in all her faults and glory.
I don’t care if we go nowhere
You’re all I see
One more night with you
Is all I need
Silvia didn’t want one more night. She wanted every night. Every day. Every minute of every day. Every second of every night. She wanted forever. And she had almost thrown it away because she had been too scared to face her gauntlet of emotions. Afraid of facing the world.
Tell me what I want to hear
I don’t care if you’re lying, baby
I just want to feel your touch right now
Silvia felt a ghost of a smile stretch at her lips. How very true. She would do and say almost anything to get Pepa to touch her. She cuddled closer to the sleeping woman, sharing in her warmth, breathing in the scent that was uniquely Pepa.
Go ahead and call it love
Tomorrow you can deny it, baby
Kiss me again, let me pretend
That it’s not wrong
Baby, lead me on
The words hit Silvia like a slap in the face and her body went taut for a second, muscles bunching up in reaction to the verbal abuse. They words to the song had just summed up their lovemaking in the kitchen earlier this evening. It WAS wrong. There was no love behind those actions. No tenderness. No warmth. It was calculated and cold and afterwards both women had clung desperately onto each other, willing their love to seep back some ray of light into their diminished and darkened souls. Even at their wildest, they never made love like that. Even when they threw each other up against walls and doors, tearing at the other’s clothes, mouths coming together frantically in response to frenzied lust, their actions have never ever been driven by fury and anger.
Silvia shuddered, the tremor grating against frazzled nerves and singeing her blood with pinpricks of ice. She gripped Pepa tighter. The redhead never wanted to make love with Pepa like that again. Ever. It was devoid of everything their shared, mocking and taunting their love, tainting it with dark stains that could never be removed. Silvia shuddered again. No. Never again. She made this vow repeatedly in her head even as she looked down tenderly at Pepa.
“I love you,” she whispered sincerely, willing the sleeping woman to believe her. Then Silvia frowned as her body jump-started and sent a signal of warning to her brain.
Pepa’s body was tense, every muscle stiff. Beads of sweat had begun to collect on her forehead and her brows were knitted in a painful grimace. She twisted in Silvia’s embrace fitfully, a whimper escaping parted lips.
Silvia worked an arm out from under Pepa and sat up against the headboard slightly. Gods, she hoped against hope that Pepa wasn’t having a nightmare. The redhead looked down at the sleeping woman in trepidation. All hope was shattered when Pepa jerked erratically and let loose a piercing scream, so condensed with fear that it rattled Silvia down to the marrow of her bones, making her blood run ice cold. Panic and worry creased the redhead’s face.
“Pepa. Pepa, honey.” Silvia tried for a soothing tone, knowing that it was never good to wake a person up abruptly from a bad dream. She smoothed a tentative hand down Pepa’s cheek, thumbing away droplets of tears that had begun to squeeze out from tightly shut eyelids. “Pepa, cariño. C’mon and open those beautiful brown eyes for me,” Silvia pleaded softly.
In response, Pepa’s entire frame twitched and she spun away from Silvia, body curling into a fetal position. The brunette began sobbing in her sleep, muttering incomprehensible phrases under her breath. A hand shot out to smack away something Silvia could not see only to have it retreat into the folded body. A tremor shook Pepa’s shoulders, sliding down Pepa’s spine to jolt the rest of her body precariously.
Silvia was now past the point of worried. She scooted closer to Pepa, feeling the heat and fear radiating off Pepa in waves. The taller woman’s fear was so palpable that Silvia could almost taste it in the air. She pressed a hand to Pepa’s shoulder, trying to get her to turn around. “Pe…”
Pepa’s entire body snapped upon contact with the redhead’s hand. Like a rubber band shot out from a hand, Pepa’s arm lashed out violently, her clenched fist connecting with something solid even as her eyes wrenched opened, glancing around her surroundings with a wild expression. An expression that swung around and landed on Silvia. And immediately turned into a look of abject horror.
Time seemed to stand still. Pepa, half twisted, her legs facing one direction, her torso the other, stared up at Silvia silently, mouth in an almost comical “O”, eyes betraying her by soaking up the evidence of her crime. Eyes that locked onto Silvia’s hand. The hand that was cupping an already swelling red cheek. Pepa felt the beginnings of her soul begin to rip.
Silvia was the first to break the paralysis that haunted the room. She rocked back, landing on the bed with a soft thump. She cupped her aching cheek and stared silently at Pepa, unsure of how to interpret or go about the situation. She didn’t have to ponder for long.
Pepa, misinterpreting Silvia’s actions AND the fact that she had just hit…
The taller woman couldn’t even finish that mental sentence. She dashed off the bed, rolling onto the floor momentarily before picking herself up and almost hurling herself through the bathroom door, shutting it forcefully behind her and slamming the lock in place. Pepa barely made it to the toilet bowl before her stomach heaved unrelentingly and she was retching into the toilet forcefully.
Silvia reacted quickly, knowing this could turn from already bad to extremely worse. She scrambled off the bed and ran to the threshold of the bathroom door, pounding insistently and furiously on it. “Pepa! Pepa let me in!” She heard the taller woman cough and gag and banged her fists even more forcefully against the door. “Pepa, goddamnit, let me in!”
No response from the woman on the other side of the door. Silvia slid down to the floor, her fists protesting from the bruising contact. Her heart ached upon hearing Pepa getting so sick behind the locked door in reaction to what she had done and she longed for nothing more than to go in and comfort her. “Pepa…” It was the barest whisper of a word. It floated around the room aimlessly, disappearing out the window. Silvia traced a finger down the door and leaned her head against it. Right now, she could only wait until Pepa came out. Her other hand reached up and with medically trained fingers, poked tentatively at the sore skin and tissue on her bruised cheek. It was slightly puffy but nothing seemed to be broken. She brought her hand back down. Tears mimicked the movement of her hand, trickling down her face and descending onto her lap in silent splashes.
**********
Silvia almost fell through the threshold of the bathroom as the door opened. She had leaned against it for the better part of two hours, getting drowsy despite the fickle situation. Her body was saved from impact onto the floor as two strong hands reached down and steadied her. Silvia looked up into Pepa’s eyes and shook. They were so haunted and blank that they turned the normally liquid brown warmth into black tar. Silvia hurried to her feet, wanting, no needing to fix this.
“Pepa…”The rest of the sentence was cut off by Pepa covering her hand over her mouth. Silvia pushed it away and tried to continue but Pepa re-covered her mouth, shaking her head slowly.
“No.” Even her voice had taken on a hollow quality. “No,” the brunette repeated, voice cracking under the pressure of her emotional pain. “Nothing you say can or will change the fact that I…” Pepa couldn’t continue as a sob tore out of her throat, setting in motion a stream of tears that ran down her cheeks, streaking her all too pale face.
Silvia moved forward and wrapped her arms around Pepa. “It was an accident,” the redhead tried soothingly. She felt Pepa tense in her embrace but only hugged her tighter. They stayed this way for precious seconds before finally, just finally, she felt Pepa snake her arms around her and return the hug. Silvia breathed a sigh of relief and started to turn them around, walking them both back towards the bed. Silvia sat down first, falling onto her back and bringing Pepa down with her, resuming their positions earlier in the night. She felt Pepa convulse in her arms and her heart broke in response. “Shh…” Silvia murmured. “Shh…”
Pepa lifted up her head from Silvia’s shoulders and looked into Silvia’s eyes. Eyes that shone with forgiveness, understanding, and love. It was too much for Pepa that her wife could so easily forgive something Pepa thought she was never capable of doing to Silvia. A large piece of her soul tore, the pain of the tear biting at the edges of Pepa’s already frayed nerves. She lifted a shaky hand to touch at the swelled cheek, tears spilling over at the sight and feel of the bruise she had put on her wife’s face.
“Oh gods…” The words, ripped out from the bottom of her soul only to escape past a sore throat, rang throughout the room, peppering the dense atmosphere with its agony. Sobs wracked Pepa’s body. “Silvia…Silvia, por favor...forgive me…I’m so sorry! Lo siento…lo siento!”
Silvia bent down and rested her forehead against Pepa’s intermingling their tears. “It wasn’t your fault,” Silvia insisted, trying to get Pepa to believe, trying to get her words to sink into the other woman’s conscience. “It was an accident, Pepa. Please.” The last word was said so pleadingly that it squeezed both their hearts in a painful grip. “Please, Pepa. Let it go.”
And with that, Silvia drew Pepa closer to her, allowing the taller woman to cry, to grieve. She intermittently pressed kisses into the dark hair, murmuring words of reassurance and comfort.
Dawn peeked over the horizon before the two women finally fell into a fitful sleep.
*********
Silvia instinctively knew something was wrong when she awoke. The feeling hung in the air, reaching down with clawed hands to dig into her sub-consciousness, disturbing the tendrils of sleep. The redhead tossed and turned a little amongst the sheets, muttering nonsensically before suddenly bolting upright as the memories of last night ran through her like an electric shock. She immediately turned to her right and froze; heart dropping to the pit of her stomach. It was not the empty side of the bed or the fact that it was cold that petrified Silvia. No. No, it was Pepa’s wedding band that glinted ominously off the sunlight as it rested on top of a folded piece of paper that threw Silvia’s world upside down…..
A/N 2: Lyrics belong to Gloriana. No copyright infringement intended. For those who want to listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIeSHJGgJZ4