A Hole Where Something Was - Part One
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Jensen was standing outside the gates of Silent Oaks Psychiatric Hospital. Silent Oaks. The name still creeped him out. If he were ever to write a horror movie, that would be what he’d call the haunted asylum in it, the one where people were getting slaughtered. But this was supposed to be a positive place. A place where people got better. He shook his head and smiled down at his dog. “Ready to go in, Icky?”
Icarus barked back in reply and Jensen grinned, bending down to ruffle his head. “Good boy.”
Despite being a cockapoo and thus destined to be a carried-around pet for girls, Icarus was a registered P.A.T. Dog and Jensen couldn’t be prouder. Icky was the best thing to ever happen to him, and when Danneel brought him back to his place after their nasty break-up it was the happiest she’d ever made him. Which should be saying something about their relationship, but whatever. No hard feelings. He got Icarus out of it, because, apparently, he’d ‘ruined him forever’.
Danneel had bought him because he was cute. Jensen had been the one to feed him and walk him and realize his great potential. He’d trained him and enrolled him in the Pets As Therapy program because he knew Icky could help. And Icky was happy to. If it had disturbed him, Jensen would have stopped. But Icarus was always bouncy whenever they left a nursing home.
Now he was trying something new and unapproved. It had taken some convincing, but he’d gotten the director of Silent Oaks to sign off on his little project. It wasn’t only the elderly who needed a companion. The dogs could do so much more good out there. And he was going to prove it.
He’d already made good progress with some of the residents of Silent Oaks. They didn’t let him near the suicidal patients, but that was okay. He understood. Jensen could however talk to some of the clinically depressed and those few who were filed under the same label, but who just really needed some rest and perspective.
Not everybody always needed medication. At least that was Jensen’s opinion. He was lucky that Eric, the director of Silent Oaks, agreed with him.
It was a fulfilling task and Jensen was looking forward to his visit. Icarus seemed excited to meet his new friends as well, because he was leaning hard into his leash - or as hard as the little guy could, anyway - telling Jensen to stop dawdling and hurry the hell up.
“Alright, alright,” Jensen smiled at Icky and pressed the buzzer to be allowed in. They already knew him and it was enough for him to wave at the security guard. He didn’t have to sign in anymore. In a way, he was a staff member. Once inside the compound, Jensen went straight for the gardens with their huge, name-giving oaks. The grounds were really quite large, but there were also a few community places, so you could either just wander off and be alone, or sit with fellow patients and play chess, or cards, or just chat.
Jensen was headed for the chess tables when Icarus suddenly had other plans and dragged him towards one of the benches, where a guy was sitting slumped over, just staring at the ground. Jensen wasn’t so sure if this was the right person to approach, but if Icky sensed something, he’d follow.
As he got nearer, the guy noticed them and sat up, confused. Jensen was startled to notice how young he was, shaggy hair and clothes - a bathrobe, actually - having disguised his age before. But this guy - this kid - couldn’t be any older than twenty. Icarus stopped in front of the stranger and sat down, wagging his tail. The guy cocked his head, but he neither reached out nor did his sullen expression visibly change.
“It’s okay, you can touch him,” Jensen started to say and moved closer. The guy looked up at him briefly, but then his gaze zoomed quickly back to the ground. “I’m Jensen, by the way. And this is Icarus. Nice to meet you, uh…” Jensen held out his hand hopefully, but the stranger ignored him.
Jensen’s face fell. Oh well then. “Alright. We’ll get out of your hair, then.” He forced a smile and tugged on Icky’s leash. But Icarus wouldn’t budge. “Icky. Come on.” Jensen frowned and tugged a little harder.
Icarus got up, but he still wouldn’t leave. Instead he suddenly barked and then bounced up and down quite a few times. “Shit!” Jensen blushed. ‘On the job’, Icarus never yapped or made quite a scene like this. He didn’t know what was up with his dog today.
“Down. Icarus. Down!” Jensen’s voice was firm and it got through to his dog. Icky stopped and turned towards him, giving him an innocent look, as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. Jensen was about to scold him and apologize to the stranger, but when he looked at him, he saw that the kid was fighting down a smile. Huh. Imagine that.
Jensen wasn’t going to call him up on it but he found himself smiling as well. “Alright. See you tomorrow, maybe?” He didn’t expect an answer and he didn’t get one, but he was hopeful when he left. The stranger had smiled. Somehow, this felt like a big deal. Jensen wasn’t quite sure why, but it had touched something within him. And he’d try his best to make him smile again the next day.
And Icarus was going to get a special treat later. Even if, technically, he’d been a bad boy. But he had good instincts and Jensen had learned to trust in them.
Thankfully it was spring break, so Jensen could make good on his promise and be back the next day. The stranger was sitting on the same bench again, one of the first ones when you came in, but still hidden from view from the main gates and far away from the social tables, which were closer to the house.
Icarus woofed happily as they got closer and the kid looked up, surprised, then he closed his bathrobe tighter and Jensen could swear he saw him blush. Huh. His gaze was focused back on the ground, but his eyes kept sneaking up ever so slightly, waiting for Icarus to appear in his view, it seemed. Jensen smiled. There. His boy seemed to be breaking through to the kid.
The only problem was, Icky was still barking. Jensen shushed him. He wasn’t supposed to make noise. Always being calm and friendly was a must for a P.A.T. Dog. They couldn’t go into a nursing home and bark down the place. And even if Icarus was such a small dog, Jensen still looked around nervously. He didn’t want to lose his opportunity here.
“Shut it, Icky. Dammit,” Jensen whispered harshly. They were in front of the guy now and Jensen kneeled down to point his finger straight in Icky’s face. “Down!”
Icarus looked at him, panting with his tongue lolling out, then he turned and looked at the stranger and gave another yap, as if he was waiting for the kid’s command instead of Jensen’s. Jensen frowned.
“Listen, if you can’t behave today, we’re going to have to leave.” Jensen tried to reason with his dog, even though he knew it was futile. In response, Icky just barked again. “Fuck.” Jensen passed his hand through his hair. What if they were scaring the kid off? “I’m sorry.” He looked at him, even though the guy was still looking at the ground. “We’ll just leave again.”
He stood up and bent to pick up his dog, when the stranger suddenly spoke up. “No, wait.” The boy looked up and his eyes met Jensen’s. “Don’t.”
Jensen bit his lip. “You want us to stay?”
“I don’t want you to punish the dog.” The shaggy-haired kid held out his hand and Icarus sniffed it curiously before he started licking. The boy didn’t try and hide his smile this time. Jensen’s heart skipped a beat.
“He’s not supposed to bark,” Jensen explained. “And usually he doesn’t.” He shrugged, wishing the boy would look back at him instead of staring at Icky. Jensen still hadn’t figured out the color of his eyes. “I wouldn’t have punished him though.”
Now the guy did look up, face furrowed in doubt. He was assessing Jensen, seeing if he was being told the truth. Then he nodded. “Okay.”
“So, uh. Can we… can we stay?” Jensen asked.
“Okay.” The kid was still letting Icarus lick his hand.
Jensen smiled. It was actually really cute. “So, hi again. I’m…”
”Jensen.” The guy interrupted him, finally looking up again. “I know. And this is Icarus.” He’d moved to scratch him behind his floppy ears and Jensen realized how huge the guy’s hands actually were. Icarus seemed to be loving it.
He smiled, chagrined. “Right.” Jensen scratched the back of his neck. “Didn’t think you…”
“I’m not retarded, Jensen.” The guy’s face hardened and he looked back down.
Jensen wanted to kick himself. “Yeah, I know. Sorry, it’s just…” He had no idea how to continue this, so he decided to move past it. “And you’re…?” Maybe he shouldn’t press, but he wanted a name with the face. And the eyes. He still couldn’t decide which color they were. It was equal parts fascinating and frustrating.
The guy left him hanging for a minute before he answered. “Jared.”
“Jared,” Jensen repeated. He was about to hold his hand out again, but then decided against it. “Nice to meet you, Jared. Uhm, again. Since we already met yesterday.” And Jensen should just shut up.
Jared smiled at him though. “Yeah, Jensen.” Then he focused back on the dog. “And it’s very nice to meet you, little Icarus.”
Icky responded to his name with a small yip, then Jared picked him up and cradled him against his chest, petting him affectionately. And Jensen didn’t know this guy. At all. And he’d never been jealous of his dog before, but right now…
He mentally kicked himself and sat down on the grass opposite of Jared’s bench. He knew better than to invade his personal space and share the bench. He’d made that mistake a few weeks ago, when he’d sat down uninvited next to this guy called Fred. It hadn’t ended well.
And this was not a hook-up. He was here to help Jared get better. Or rather, Icarus was here to help Jared. Jensen was just the dog walker. He should just sit back and let them have their time together.
“So, are you visiting someone?” Jared asked, surprising Jensen.
“Yes. You.” Jensen couldn’t help a smirk.
Jared smiled back and for the first time, Jensen could really see his dimples. Damn! That boy’s smile could light up a room. “No, I mean, who’re you really here to see?”
“You?” Jensen suggested, and then he had to look away, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’m here to see whoever wants to see me. Or well, Icarus. He’s a therapeutic dog.”
Jared raised his eyebrow, then he brought Icky up close to his face. “Are you now?” Icarus was licking the air, trying to reach Jared’s face. “So, Icarus, do you want to know about my mother?”
Icarus once again yipped and Jared laughed. Jensen chuckled. “That’s not really what…” Jensen stopped himself. “Uh, if you want to talk about your mother, go ahead. I can leave you two alone, if you want to?”
Jared just gave him a look, then he put Icarus back down. “Dude, seriously.” He rolled his eyes. “My mom’s not my problem.”
“What is?” Jensen heard himself asking before the thought had reached his brain. And the second it was out, he wanted to beat himself for it. So very hard. Because Jared shut down immediately.
“I think you should leave. I’m sure there’s other patients here who need some attention from Icarus.” Jared’s gaze was fixed on the ground again, facing away from Jensen’s direction.
Jensen got up reluctantly. “Yeah…” He didn’t apologize. Jared wouldn’t want to talk about it, so it was best to just ignore it. “Same time tomorrow?” He asked hopefully, but Jared didn’t acknowledge him.
Icarus nudged Jared’s leg once, in a weird goodbye, and then he followed Jensen further down along the pathway. The heavy oaks were blocking the sun at this time of day and Jensen shivered, wishing he’d brought a jacket. He turned around once to find Jared slumped over on the bench, looking just as miserable as the day before. Damn! But he’d get that smile back tomorrow. Jensen would do anything for it.
Jensen had to fight with himself really hard the next day. He wanted to go on over to Silent Oaks as soon as he got up, even though he knew that it was silly. Jared wouldn’t be out yet and Jensen really had to work on his thesis. So he forced down some toast and then sat down in front of his laptop. He was staring at the screen for maybe 30 minutes before he gave up and went to play with Icarus instead, then watched some daytime TV with Icky curled up and asleep in his lap. He absently stroked his fur, his thoughts occupied with Jared.
Jensen wasn’t sure just what it was about that kid, but he intrigued him more than any of the other patients. Maybe it was that smile of his, that so rarely came through. But when it did, it was infectious. Jensen wondered what had broken this kid. It just felt like such a shame.
He grabbed lunch on the way to the hospital and breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted Jared sitting on his bench. Part of him had been afraid he’d driven him off the day before. Jensen was sure Jared had to talk about his problems in therapy all day, he didn’t need that from Jensen as well.
Something was different about him though. Jensen had almost reached him when he realized what it was. Jared was wearing baggy pants and a tee shirt instead of his ratty sweats and bathrobe combo from before. His hair also looked like it might have been combed. But it was hard to tell because it was windy today and Jared’s long mop was all kinds of tussled. He’d definitely washed it though.
Jensen smiled. “Hello, Jared.”
Jared’s face lit up and he leaned forward on the bench, then he seemed to catch himself and toned down his excitement. “Hey.” His smile had dimmed for a second, but it came back as soon as Icarus bundled up to him, yapping and bouncing until Jared scooped him up and hugged him to his chest. “Hey, buddy.”
For a moment, Jensen thought about apologizing for the day before, but then decided it was best to just not bring it up. He sat down on the ground opposite Jared again and just watched him cuddle Icarus.
“Can he do any tricks?” Jared asked when he put him back down.
“You’ve seen him bounce, right?” Jensen smirked. Icky could jump up from the ground to way past Jensen’s waist with one single bounce. He really had no idea where the dog got that strength from, with the tiny legs that he had.
Jared smiled. “Well, yeah.” He cocked his head. “But besides that?”
Jensen frowned, mildly offended. Icarus was a trained P.A.T. dog, for crying out loud! He didn’t need to do any tricks. “No, I guess not.”
“Oh.” Jared’s face fell a little. “So when I throw a stick, he won’t catch it?” Jared reached under the bench to produce a small sized branch. Just large enough for Icarus, but not too heavy. It was cleared off of any small twigs, probably so Icarus wouldn’t get hurt.
Jensen was impressed. “Why don’t you test it out?”
Jared bit his lip, looked at Icarus, then at the branch, then he threw it. Icarus remained firmly seated, looking up at Jared with his big puppy eyes. Jensen couldn’t help it, he cracked up.
“I’m sorry, it’s just…” Jensen clamped his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing too much.
“He’s not that kinda dog, is he?” Jared shook his head, but he was smiling down at Icarus, then he reached and petted him again.
“Nope, sorry.” Jensen wiped at his eyes after he’d calmed down enough. “And you went through all the trouble of puppy proofing that branch.”
Jared looked up, caught. He blushed. “Was nothing.”
“No, man. I really appreciate it.” Jensen smiled. “You care about Icky. And you’re not mad he just majorly failed you.” And they were coming to a point again where Jensen should maybe just shut up. He couldn’t help it though. He always had to analyse. And share.
“Please.” Jared’s smile turned sad again. “How can I be mad when I look at that face.” He cupped Icky’s chin. “Besides, he didn’t fail me. And even if he had, I wouldn’t be mad about it.” The last was spoken in a tiny voice, maybe not meant for Jensen to hear.
“You’re a good person, Jared.” And right now, Jensen wanted nothing more than to get up, sit down next to him and hug him close. His fingers clenched against his thighs. He couldn’t. Shouldn’t.
Jared looked at him, then. And like before, their eyes just met and neither of them looked away for the longest time. It was Jared who broke the moment. “So Icky’s just here to get petted?”
“Isn’t that enough?” Jensen asked back, voice a little edgy. He shouldn’t be offended. It was a valid question. But he thought of all the training and tests they had to undergo before Icarus got approved for the program, and it just stung.
“Oh, yeah, no.” Jared blushed again and he picked Icarus back up. “Sorry. It is.” He petted Icarus’ head. “You’re a great dog, Icky.”
“The best.” Jensen agreed.
Jared smiled at him. “And you are…?”
Jensen clucked his tongue to swallow back a naughty response. “Just the dog walker, basically,” he said instead.
“So you bring Icky to see sick people all day?” Jared frowned.
Again, Jensen had to bite back his initial response, this time about the definition of ‘sick people’. “Nah, he just comes here now, for a few hours. I’ve been to some nursing homes before, a couple months ago.”
Jared nodded. “Ah, now I understand the ‘no barking’ rule.” Icarus had settled in his lap and seemed content to just let Jared pet him. “Can’t give those old folks a heart attack by yapping at them.”
“Yeah, ‘cause they were really scared of my little fur ball here.” Jensen gave him a crooked smile.
“I can totally see that.” Jared raised Icky’s ears and let them flop back down. “Icarus is a beast.”
“Like you wouldn’t even believe.” Jensen raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly.
“Seriously?” Jared smirked.
“Nah, he really is the best.” Jensen shrugged. “Unless you try to bathe him. He transforms into a vicious little devil then, knocking stuff over and making you chase him through each and every room, if you’re dumb enough to forget to close the bathroom door before he smells the dog shampoo.”
Jared laughed - honestly laughed - and all the breath rushed out of Jensen’s lungs. “I’d love to see that one day,” Jared replied, and Jensen was still breathless. Jared. In his bathroom. Bathing Icarus with him.
“I’d love that, too.” They shared a smile, then Jensen realized he’d once again spoken without thinking about it first. But hey, Jared had smiled back. So all was well, right? Should he ask him when he was getting out of here?
Jared ducked his head and scratched the back of his head. “So, you come here every day?” His bangs had fallen in his eyes and Jensen’s fists clenched again. Jensen would not reach out to touch him, adorable as he might be.
“Sadly, no.” It wasn’t always fun and games, and usually once a week was more than enough for Jensen, but now that he knew Jared? Damn, it would suck so much when spring break was over.
“Oh.” Jared’s face fell a little.
“But I’ll be here every day for the next two weeks.” And maybe he could squeeze in some more time after that. He was writing his thesis on this after all. He’d need more material.
“Oh,” Jared repeated, on a cheerier note though. He petted Icarus again.
“So, are you new here?” Jensen asked, to keep the conversation going.
“Uhm, no.” Jared shrugged. “Been here since a month.”
”Oh.” Jensen frowned. “Because I haven’t seen you around.” And he’d have definitely noticed someone like Jared.
“Yeah…” Jared bit his lip. “I haven’t really been, uh, outside much.”
“Ah, I probably always missed you when you were.” Jensen sighed. Damn timing.
“By not much I mean never.” Jared revealed.
“Oh.” Jensen cocked his head. Jared had picked up Icarus again and was cradling him to his chest. “So you just stayed inside?”
Jared nodded. “My bed, mostly.” He was looking away. “When they didn’t make me go to therapy.”
That kind of explained Jared’s appearance two days ago. Jensen swallowed, unsure what to say. Just what had to happen to someone like Jared to make him stay in bed all day? “Well, I’m glad you’re outside now.”
“Me, too.” Jared gave him a shy smile.
Jensen felt like his own smile in response was going to split his face open, but he couldn’t stop. His stomach fluttered at Jared’s confession and he wanted nothing more than to join him on that bench, put down Icky, and then hug Jared instead. And then take him out of here and fix him himself. And Jensen wouldn’t even protest if Jared chose to spend all day in his bed.
Then again, he knew this was serious and he shouldn’t think like that. He couldn’t help it though. Jared just did… things to him. He licked his lips. Jared was watching him.
“Do you think I’m weird?” Jared asked him.
“No.” Jensen didn’t even have to think about it. Jared was intriguing, yes, but definitely not weird. “Why? Do you think you are?”
“For staying in bed all day?” Jared half shrugged, half nodded.
Jensen rolled his eyes. “Please. There’s lots of days when I wish I could just stay in bed and not get up.”
“Yeah.” Jared nibbled on his forefinger. “But you don’t do it. You get up.”
“Yeah, cause otherwise Icky here would jump my bed and piss in it. And he’d probably try eating me if he got no kibble,” Jensen smirked. He’d get up otherwise as well. Probably. But a part of him really got where Jared was coming from.
Jared laughed. “Okay, I see your point.” He buried his hands deep in Icarus’ fur. “Maybe I should get a dog as well.”
“Maybe,” Jensen nodded in encouragement, ignoring that little voice in his head that told him you shouldn’t get a dog if you can’t even take care of yourself. But what did he know about Jared, anyway? And he seemed great with Icarus. Maybe a dog was really all that kid needed.
“I’ve always wanted a dog.” Jared set Icky down on the ground again.
“Well, there you go.” Jensen made a gesture to indicate it was a done deal now. Jared would get out of here, and Jared would get a dog.
“I’d teach him tricks though,” Jared smirked at him.
Jensen gasped. “Hey! My dog is awesome.” Jared’s sarcasm was unexpected, but Jensen liked it. He snatched Icarus for himself and cradled him protectively. “In fact, he’s so awesome, he doesn’t need to do stupid ticks to prove his superiority. It would be beneath him. And I’m not insulting him by making him pick up a stick and bring it back, just so I can throw it again. Icarus is smarter than that.”
Jared chuckled. “Alright, I agree. Icky is the best.” He held up his hands in defeat.
Jensen let go of him, and right on cue, Icky bounced on the spot twice before he jumped up and into Jared’s lap. Jensen shook his head. He’d never seen Icky be this drawn to anybody. Anybody, but himself.
They remained silent for a few minutes, until Jensen decided to push his luck again. “Hey, Jared?”
“Yeah?” Jared cocked his head and looked up from where he was cuddling Icky.
“Why did you stay in bed?” He watched Jared carefully. “I mean, are you hiding from something? Or are you just tired? What?” Maybe someone was harassing him? Threatening him? Maybe something really bad had happened to him. Oh, fuck! Jensen really hoped that wasn’t it. He couldn’t stand the thought of somebody purposefully hurting Jared.
“I…” Jared started, then he stopped again. “I… dunno?” was all he offered at first and Jensen was ready to just drop it, when Jared went on. “It’s just easier, you know? And it’s nice and comfy in my bed.” He looked somewhere past Jensen’s face, his eyes glazing over. “I just like it in there.”
“And the outside is scary?” Jensen prodded.
”Scary?” Jared looked at him, seeming to think it over. “No, not really. Not scary. Just more of… a hassle, you know?”
Jensen nodded, although he didn’t really get it. But Jared needed him to understand and he really wished he could help him.
“And I…” Jared sighed and looked down at the ground. “I just didn’t want anyone to see me like this.”
“Like what?” Jensen frowned. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Jared.”
Jared chuckled bitterly. “I’ve been living in my frigging pyjamas, Jensen. I’m in a mental hospital because I couldn’t get out of bed, because I just failed at life. You know how embarrassing that is?”
“Everybody loses track sometimes, Jared. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jensen knelt up and touched Jared’s thigh. He just had to reassure him. Icarus stayed quietly in Jared’s lap.
“Not like this.” Jared shook his head. He refused to meet Jensen’s inquiring glance, but he also didn’t shake off Jensen’s touch.
“No, maybe not.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s thigh. “There’s worse cases out there. Trust me. A lot worse.”
Jared looked at him after that, a sad smile on his face. “But there’s also tons of normal people. Not freaks like me.”
Jensen scoffed. “Fuck it. Normal’s boring. And you’re not a freak.”
“I’m fucking hospitalised, Jensen.” Jared’s face hardened and he moved on the bench until Jensen’s hand fell off.
“Admitting you need help doesn’t make you a freak. Far from it, Jared.” Jensen didn’t try to touch him again. Instead he reached for Icky when Jared pushed him off his lap as well.
Jared didn’t say anything for a while, then he sighed heavily. “I think I’m tired now.”
“Oh.” Jensen could take a hint when he got one this obvious. “Alright, I should go up to the chess tables anyway. See if I can beat Lauren today.” He got up and brushed some dirt off his jeans. “See you tomorrow?”
Jensen didn’t really expect an answer, but Jared surprised him. “Probably.”
It might have sounded non-committal and dull, but Jensen knew Jared would be here waiting for him, on the very same bench, tomorrow. It kept him grinning all the way over to the chess tables. And he was still grinning on his way home after a long, surprisingly exhausting day at Silent Oaks.
Even though it was tempting, Jensen resisted doing any research on what might be Jared’s condition because he didn’t want to be influenced by it. He wanted to listen to Jared. Let him talk. Find out just what was bothering him. If Jensen was sure of one thing, it was that each person was different and everybody had their own, unique problems.
Sure, he acknowledged that there were some pretty good casebook cases, and some patients shared nine out of ten traits associated with their diagnosed conditions, but the difference remained. And you could easily fuck someone up by just assuming he was the very same as the last ten people you treated. Jensen would be damned before he became like that.
So instead of looking it up, he looked forward to talking to Jared again. Even if they’d end up just talking about the weather. He almost skipped lunch in order to get there early, then remembered that they had strict lunch times at Silent Oaks, so Jared wouldn’t be outside waiting for him if he popped in early.
The thought made him realize just how pathetic he’d gotten. Three days. He’d known Jared for three days. He didn’t even know if he was gay or straight. He was in a psychiatric hospital, for fuck’s sake. Jensen should be working to help him get better. Which, yes, he was. But he wanted him to get better and get out of there, so that they could hang out and get to know each other better. Much better, if Jensen got a say in it.
“What did you do to me, Icky?” Jensen asked, looking down at his dog before they entered the gates of Silent Oaks that afternoon. Icarus just yipped at him in response, but Jensen could swear he was smirking. His dog. Smirking at him. Maybe he should check himself in, while he was already here. He could spend more time with Jared…
Jensen rolled his eyes and grinned at his own foolishness. The grin considerably widened when he spotted Jared sitting upright on the bench, waiting for him. Of course he slumped over as soon as he saw them, but he couldn’t fool Jensen. Jared was looking forward to this just as much as he was.
“Hey there, Jared.”
“Jensen.” Jared nodded. “Icky.” Then he grinned and reached into his pockets. Jensen noticed he was wearing the same baggy pants from the day before, but a fresh shirt. Simple, black. But it looked really good on Jared.
Jensen was so distracted that he didn’t even realize Jared was feeding his dog before Icky was chomping happily on his treat. He blinked. “You got doggy treats?”
“Yeah.” Jared’s happy smile faltered a little. “Uhm, hey, it’s okay, right? Shit, sorry!” he wiped his hands on his pants nervously. “I should have asked you first.”
“What? No.” Jensen waved it off. “That’s fine.” Because it was Jared and, strange as it was, Jensen trusted him not to feed his dog something dangerous. In fact, he felt a pang of guilt that he hadn’t brought Jared some treats to feed to Icky himself.
“Oh. Okay then.” Jared scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’ve actually got some more.”
Jensen chuckled. “How the hell did you get doggie treats? Oh, please don’t tell me someone’s actually snacking on them in here?”
“No,” Jared shook his head. “Uhm, that is, not that I know of. Got them from Rob.”
“The poet?” Jensen cocked his head.
“Yeah.” Jared fed Icky another treat. This time he held it up high and made Icky jump for it. “He’s kind of the go-to guy for, uhm, stuff.”
“I don’t think I want to know.” He might feel compelled to report him to Eric, and Jensen liked Rob. He was usually hanging around outside somewhere, writing poetry. Apparently he used to be a hip, upcoming musician, but then he had some sort of meltdown at a concert. Something about a girl and her eating his heart. And strawberry pop tarts.
Jensen didn’t quite get the poems that Rob showed him. ‘Lyrics’, he called them, but everybody in here tried to encourage him to just publish them as poems instead of going back on stage.
And apparently, Rob was also versatile in trading goods. Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Hey, what did you have to give him for those treats?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Jared smirked.
“Try me.”
“My old bathrobe. That’s all he wanted,” Jared shrugged and leaned down to pick up Icarus.
“Okay, that’s… weird.” Jensen frowned. Rob wouldn’t use it for pervy stuff, would he? He’d always seemed pretty harmless.
Jared shrugged again. “Fair trade. Or, well, maybe not so much on his part.” Jared petted Icarus enthusiastically, then he grinned when Icarus barked happily. “I didn’t need it anymore but now I can make your dog fall in love with me.” He winked.
Jensen was taken aback. Was this the same kid who wouldn’t even talk to him just a few days ago? And now he was mocking him? And maybe even flirting? “I don’t think you need doggie treats for that, Jared.” Jensen flopped down on the ground. “Icarus was pretty enamored with you right from the get-go.”
Jared’s grin widened. “You think so?”
“I know so,” Jensen grinned back. “Trust me. I know my dog.” And he also knew how easy it was to fall in love with Jared - in a purely platonic way, of course.
Jared continued to play with Icarus and Jensen was content to just watch them for a while. “You know,” Jared started, “I get it, I think. Why this works.”
“What works?” Jensen raised an eyebrow.
“Therapy pets. It feels good to be loved.” Jared hugged Icarus close to his chest. “Even if it’s just a dog, there’s someone out there who likes you. Still likes you. Even after you’ve fucked up.”
Jensen swallowed hard. “I’m sure there’s more people who love you no matter what.”
Jared made a face. “No, not really.”
“What about your parents?” Jensen wouldn’t have brought them up, but Jared had said yesterday that his mother wasn’t a problem, so it should be okay to talk about them.
Jared shrugged dismissively. “They don’t count. They’ve been genetically programmed to love me. Besides, I’m pretty sure they’d be damn disappointed in me right now.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” Jensen sat up straighter, moving closer to Jared. “They’re your parents. They should be proud of you no matter what.”
“Yes, that’s the thing.” Jared sighed. “That’s why their opinions don’t really count.”
Jensen raised his eyebrow, pretty sure that Jared was lying to himself right now, but he wouldn’t call him on to it. “So what about your friends then?”
Jared looked away. “No.”
No, he didn’t want to talk about it, or no, he didn’t have any? Jensen bit his lip. He really wanted to ask, but he shouldn’t push. “True friends would understand.”
“I guess.” Jared smiled sadly.
So no friends, it was. No real friends, anyway. Hard to believe with someone as easy to get on with as Jared. Jensen looked away, unsure on how to proceed.
“I always thought I had great friends,” Jared continued on his own. “The best.”
Jensen met his gaze and they shared a small smile.
“In high school, we were always hanging out together. Having fun, talking, just being around each other.” Jared closed his eyes. “But then everybody moved away for college, myself included, and I guess it’s really true what they say. Out of sight, out of mind.”
Jensen nodded. Okay, yeah. He didn’t really have any contact with any of his old friends either. It was a nice thought, to be best friends for ever, but reality usually came crashing down on you, especially at college. So much to do, so much to learn. So many new faces.
“I, uh… I kinda tried to keep in contact though. To talk to them,” Jared explained.
“What happened?”
“They didn’t take me seriously. Same as everyone I met at college.” Jared shook his head. “They just thought I was joking when I told them that I was having problems and struggling.”
“Wow,” Jensen didn’t know what to say. “That sucks!”
“Yeah,” Jared sighed. “My own fault though, I guess.”
“I really doubt that,” Jensen replied, raising an eyebrow.
“No, really. High school always came easy for me. Everything always came easy for me.” Jared’s hands were buried deep in Icarus’ fur. “Friends, sports, girls. Everybody liked me.”
“So then, what happened?” Jensen found it hard to see how this was the same guy who couldn’t get out of bed.
“I dunno. Life?” Jared shrugged. “Real life?”
Jensen nodded in acknowledgement.
“It all just went so fast. Suddenly everybody around me knew where they wanted to go to college, who they wanted to be in ten years. Where they wanted to be. Professions, life plans, everything.” Jared shook his head.
“But you didn’t?” Jensen guessed.
Jared shook his head. “I never thought about it. And when I tried to, I came up blank. I knew a few things I didn’t want to do, but I just had no idea what I wanted to do instead.”
“And nobody could help you figure it out.” It wasn’t really a question.
“No,” Jared sighed. “Whenever I tried to tell them, they just cut me off. ‘Oh Jared, you’ll make your way.’ Or ‘Oh, Jared, there’s a great future ahead of you.’ Yes. Thank you.” He rolled his eyes again. “That really helped.”
“Hey, they were just supportive.” Jensen was close enough so that he could pat Jared’s knee. Which he did. Twice. “And I’m sure they meant what they said.”
Jared snorted. “But it didn’t help.” His gaze wandered off again. “It actually just made it harder.”
“How?” Jensen asked.
“Failing. It felt like I wasn’t only failing me, I was failing all of them, too. In their perception of me.” Jared had stopped petting Icarus. “And on the other hand, I didn’t care. They obviously don’t really know me, nor do they care. So why should I care? Why should I care what any of them thinks?”
“You shouldn’t.” Jensen squeezed his thigh this time.
“Right?” Jared looked at him. “So who cares if I go out and study, or if I just stay in bed and sleep? The only person I could disappoint was myself, and I just didn’t care anymore.”
“Except you did care?” Jensen guessed.
“Kinda. Not about college. But I just didn’t want to spend my life in the bedroom.” Jared smirked, but it looked fake. “Not alone, at any rate.”
Jensen nodded. Yeah. He got that.
“And it didn’t make anything better. I just kept feeling worse.” Icarus started licking Jared’s hand, bringing a smile out on his face. “But the longer I waited, the harder it was to get back up and face people, other than my pizza delivery guy.”
“But eventually you broke the circle,” Jensen encouraged.
“Yeah.” Jared shrugged. “I mean, I had the internet. I did some research. Then I checked myself in here.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, Jared.” Jensen squeezed his thigh once again and this time, he didn’t remove his hand.
Jared let out a short laugh. “You’re proud?”
“Yeah,” Jensen made sure he had his gaze. “You realized you needed help and you went and got it. It takes a lot of balls to do that.”
Jared ducked his head, but he couldn’t hide his smile. “Thank you. I guess.”
Jensen nodded and patted his knee, then he took his hand away. Much as he wanted to keep touching Jared, it felt inappropriate. Jared had started petting Icarus again, but he kept avoiding Jensen’s glance. It was time to switch the topic. “Wanna see how high you can make Icky jump for those biscuits?”
“Definitely!” Jared’s happy grin was back instantly and he shooed Icarus off his lap before he got up and pulled another treat out of his pocket.
They spend a lot of time just playing with Icarus after that. Poor Icky was frustrated when Jared was up to his full height, since he had trouble reaching his hand. But he got a lot of doggie treats out of it, so Jensen was sure his dog was happy. Jensen also showed Jared how to get Icarus to spin on himself and roll over and in the end, Icarus was so exhausted, they didn’t even really need to tell him to play dead. He just collapsed on the grass next to the bench and refused to get back up.
Jensen petted Icky’s head, then got a water bottle out of his bag and fed him some from his hand. Icarus lapped it up gratefully. “Well, alright.” Jensen smiled up at Jared. “You’ve officially worn out my dog. And if you know Icky, you know that that task is almost impossible.”
Jared grinned and flopped down on the bench. He was breathing harshly as well, since they had also spent some time running around with Icarus chasing them.
“You want some water, Jared?” Jensen asked him, slightly concerned. It was clear that Jared really had spent a lot of time in his bed lately - he was pretty out of shape. But he was still muscular, so apparently he used to work out a lot. Before.
“Do I have to lap it out of your hand?” Jared’s eyebrow was raised, but he was grinning as he said it.
Once again, Jensen was stumped by how flirty Jared was, so he just handed him the bottle. Jared’s face fell a little and Jensen bit his lip. “Maybe next time.” Jared smiled at him, and Jensen decided, what the hell? “If you’re good,” he added with a wink.
That made Jared laugh. “You want me to fetch a stick for you? ‘Cause I’ll do it. I’m better than Icky.”
“Insulting my dog again, are you?” Jensen scolded him. “That’s sure getting you places.”
Jared just kept grinning and finished off the water. Jensen watched his throat muscles work, and fuck, yes. This was getting him places.
Jensen swallowed and got up from the crouch he was in, ready to sit back down on his usual spot on the grass. But Jared scooted over on the bench meaningfully and Jensen took the hint and sat down next to him instead.
Icarus was still panting and flat on the ground. Jared watched him, cocking his head. “Hey, we didn’t wear him out too much, right? He’s gonna be okay?”
Jensen smiled at the honest concern he could hear in Jared’s voice. That boy was making his heart jump all over the place. “Don’t worry. He’ll be up and running around again in five minutes. The Energizer bunny in that commercial was modelled after him.”
“So he keeps you pretty occupied?” Jared asked.
“Pretty much, yeah.” Jensen smiled fondly down at his dog. It was never overwhelming though. Icarus was just fun to have around.
“So, uh…” Jared ducked his head. “Is it just you taking care of him, or do you have help?”
“Well, sometimes when I have classes all day, I drop him off at a neighbor’s, but...” Jensen stopped, realizing just what Jared had been asking him. “It’s really just me. Me and Icarus.” Alone. Single. Available.
“Cool.” Jared’s smile was shy and he scratched his neck. Then, suddenly, he froze. “Shit, what time is it?”
Jensen checked his watch and blinked. “It’s just past 4.” So much for spending some time with the others. He’d have to leave soon.
“Fuck! I’m missing group therapy. I have to go.” Jared sighed and got up. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Definitely.” Jensen beamed.
“Bye, Icky.” Jared petted his head and then he headed off towards the main building. Jensen watched him go, still smiling, then he leaned down to put the leash back on Icarus.
“Ready to go, Icky?” But Icarus just looked up at him pitifully, not making any move to get up, until Jensen caved. “Alright, but only till we’re through the gates. Then you gotta walk.” He picked Icarus up and cradled him in his arms. The one good thing about having a girly dog - besides Icky being plain awesome - was that they were easy to lift and carry around.
Once back on the street, Icarus continued to give Jensen that look, so he carried him one more block before he finally put him back down and forced him to walk on his own again. “Don’t get used to it. I’m only doing this because you made Jared smile.”
Jensen tugged on the leash until Icky gave up and walked home with him. Jensen should be worrying about his thesis right now, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about Jared. He couldn’t wait until tomorrow.
The next day, Jensen cooked. He’d promised his mom he’d have at least one home-cooked meal a week and she had insisted on teaching him all the fast and easy single recipes she knew. Plus, it kept him occupied so that he didn’t obsess about Jared too much.
Although he might have fed Icarus even more scraps of chicken than usual when he was making his stir-fry, just because he was so grateful that he’d dragged him to the bench. Along with Jared’s doggie treats, Jensen would have to watch out not to let him get too fat. They had to keep him running again today. It would be good for Jared as well.
This time, when Jensen arrived at Silent Oaks, Jared was not only actively waiting for him, he waved when he spotted them. Jensen waved back happily. Jared got up to greet him and they spent the next hour playing catch with Icarus.
When they arrived back at the bench, Icarus went straight for the bowl of water Jared must have put out for him. Jensen blinked, once again amazed at Jared’s consideration. It even extended to two water bottles hidden behind the bench for the both of them, as he found out only seconds later, when Jared reached for them.
Jensen accepted one wordlessly and sat down on the bench next to Jared. They spent a moment in silence, just drinking and calming back down. Relative silence, since Icarus was slurping his water down noisily.
“So,” Jared started. “What do you do, anyways? Besides being Icarus’ dog walker.”
They’d been too busy running around to really talk until now, and Jensen was glad Jared was starting up a real conversation. “Well, it’s spring break now, but usually I’m working on my masters degree.”
“Cool.” Jared nodded. “What subject?”
Jensen swallowed. Damn, he’d hoped to avoid this. People always got weird when he told them, and he could only imagine it was worse for someone in a mental hospital. “Psychology.”
Jensen was right. Jared froze right up and moved a few inches away from him. “Wait, what?” Jared’s eyes widened. “I thought you were just volunteering here with your dog. But you do this for a living? Do you work here?”
“What? No!” Jensen held up his hands. “They just give me visitation rights.”
Jared continued to look doubtful and Jensen could see him withdrawing,
“Honestly, Jared. I don’t answer to them. Whatever you tell me stays between us. I’m not secretly updating them with status reports or anything.” Jensen tried to give him an encouraging smile.
“But you talk about me?” Jared crossed his arms in front of his chest protectively.
“No!” Jensen shook his head. “No, really. I last saw Eric two weeks ago, and that was just because he happened to walk by when I was at the chess tables. We barely even said hello.”
“Eric?” Jared frowned. “Oh, wait. Dr. Kripke.” He nodded and passed a hand through his hair. “What about everyone else?”
Jensen shook his head again. “I don’t even know any of your therapists. Frankly, I think they avoid me on purpose because they think what I’m doing with Icky is bullshit.”
“So you’re not secretly recording every single thing I say or do?” Jared sounded doubtful.
“Fuck, no!” Jensen was getting frustrated. Maybe he should have just lied. Math would have been a really great subject to mention to get people to switch the topic. Why didn’t he say he majored in Mathematics? “Seriously, Jared. You’re my friend. When we talk, I’m your friend who listens. Nothing else.”
“You’re not psycho-analysing me?” Jared raised an eyebrow.
Jensen smirked. “Nah. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.“ Jared suddenly looked offended and Jensen blinked. “Oh, no! I don’t mean you’re too screwed up or anything. I mean I’m not qualified for it. I’m not a trained therapist.”
Jared had turned his back on him and was petting Icarus, completely ignoring Jensen.
Jensen gave him a couple of minutes, then he cleared his throat. “So, uh…” But he didn’t have time to think of a good way to save their conversation because Jared interrupted him.
“Listen, Jensen.” Jared stood up. “I need some time to think about this before I can talk to you again.” He looked away. “If I can talk to you again.”
All the breath whooshed out of Jensen’s lungs and he felt like he was suffocating, lying under a huge rock that was crushing his ribcage and breaking his heart.
“I just need time.” Jared shook his head and turned around, striding away from him before Jensen could get over his shock.
He looked down at Icarus, who cocked his head before he nudged Jensen’s leg until Jensen picked him up. “Why didn’t I say Math?” he asked him. Once in his lap, Icarus curled up and licked his hand. Jensen petted him gently with his other hand. “Alright, time to go.” With a sigh, Jensen got up and carried Icky out of Silent Oaks and all the way back home. He couldn’t face anyone else today. He felt utterly depleted. And he’d never thought he’d be able to hate his Masters this much.
continued here