Always on My Mind
Title: Always on My Mind
Summary: Coda to 2.10 Steve thinks about Danny the whole time he's in North Korea.
Characters: Steve, with appearances by basically the whole cast. I guess there's implied Steve/Danny, or maybe it's very pre-slash, IDEK. It reads like gen, though.
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,363
Disclaimer: It all belongs to CBS, alas. Nothing recognizable is mine.
Warnings: Violence, mentions of torture
Neurotic Author's Note #1: We really needed another coda to 2.10, right? Right? Yes. Well, since we needed one, here it is. :)
Neurotic Author's Note #2: This is mostly pkwench's fault. She gave me a prompt, and then I took liberties with the prompt, and it resulted in this.
Neurotic Author's Note #3: This is much closer to how I would have liked it to go. But then, I'm a little biased toward Steve/Danny, so there.
Steve can count on the fingers of one hand the times in his life when he has been taken completely off-guard. The first time was when uniformed officers appeared on his father's doorstep and turned all their lives completely upside-down. The second was an ambush somewhere in the Indochina peninsula during an op that was so covert he was practically ordered to forget it ever happened. The third was when Victor Hesse murdered his father thousands of miles away, a gunshot over a phone line. The fourth time was the only one that ever turned out well, and that was when he found himself on the receiving end of a very respectable hay-maker from a short, loud-mouthed Jersey cop.
Right now he's staring down the barrel of a gun, staring past it into the wild, desperate eyes of Jenna Kaye, and it feels a lot like she's already pulled the trigger. He has to resist the impulse to look down, to grab at his gut to check for bullets. Danny warned him about something like this happening, is the last thing he thinks before everything goes dark, Jenna's "I'm sorry," still echoing in his ears.
Danny's never going to know what happened to him. He's being half-dragged through the rainforest, rope around his neck like a pack animal, and Danny is never going to know any of it. Steve yells at Wo Fat for as long as he can manage, demanding answers he's never going to get, because yelling about Jenna takes his mind off Danny, off the fact that he knows he's never going to see him again, never hear his voice again, never feel the tips of his fingers against his skin ever again. So he tries to fall back on his training, tries so hard it feels like his head might explode, but it doesn't work. For the first time in his life it doesn't work, because Danny's gotten under his skin and that's all he can think of, how Danny knew this was a trap, how he tried to warn him in his own way without trying to hold him back. He shouts at Wo Fat again, and gets beaten down again, like a stray dog, and at least for a while he's unconscious and doesn't have to think about any of it.
The thing is, Jenna's family. Jenna is ohana, has been ever since she weaselled her way into Five-0 all those months ago. It's what makes this so goddamned awful. She's one of them, Danny loves her, Kono loves her, they all do. They've all known what it's like to lose someone they love, that's why they all knew she was one of them from the start. It's why it hurts so goddamned much. And yeah, Steve gets it. He's not sure that he wouldn't step over that line if it meant getting back his mother, getting back his father (his mind refuses to contemplate putting Danny in that scenario, it's unthinkable). But Jenna chose a different kind of family, and he doesn't know what to do with that. Danny would, he thinks, even as he's being strung up like a side of beef, even as the blows rain down on. Danny understands these things, because he's good like that, even if Steve likes to give him a hard time about having feelings. Steve has them too, he just never knows what to do with them the way Danny does. Danny gets it, gets him, the way no one has since Steve's mother was alive.
Jenna's crying. Her fiancé is dead and Steve could have told her that from the start if she'd only told him the truth. Or maybe Danny could tell her, he's better at the next-of-kin stuff. Steve's shoulders are on fire, and he's perversely grateful because it means his lacerated feet aren't bearing any of his weight. If Danny were here, he'd be yelling at Steve for being a reckless hero with a death wish, untying him and holding him up and probably propping him up somewhere to try to clean him up, lecturing him the whole time. Jenna's tears are drying, slowly, and all he can hear is Danny's voice at the back of his mind, telling him to stay sharp, to pay attention, to come home safe -you jerk- because otherwise he'll lose his mind, and nobody wants that.
Wo Fat is a hands-on guy. He likes to commit his own murders, conduct his own interrogations. Danny would have something to say about that, something acerbic and straight to the point. Steve thinks Danny would probably want to use Wo Fat's own cattle prod on him, give him a taste of his own medicine, because for all that Danny likes to tell Steve that he's an animal, that he can't be taken out in public, Steve knows who Danny is, under that fast-talking exterior. He knows Danny, knows that there is literally nothing Danny won't do for his family, knows that, even if he doesn't deserve it, Danny thinks of him as family. Danny would be coming for him right now, if Danny even knew where he was, if he knew what was happening, except that he doesn't and it means Steve is never going to see Danny again. Wo Fat asks about Shelburne again, and again, and the cattle prod sizzles and sparks and all Steve can do is try to keep from screaming so loudly that he irreparably damages his vocal cords. Then Wo Fat loses his temper, uses his fists, and Danny's voice is back, crystal clear in Steve's head You see that, babe? He's lost it. He's panicking, because he has no idea what he's asking about. And Steve laughs in Wo Fat's face, spits blood onto the floor, because it's become a farce, an ignorant man asking a man in the dark if he's got a light.
Steve laughs, because Danny's right, and Jenna is giving him the keys to the kingdom, and for a split-second he thinks that he's going to get them out of this, get them both out of this and they'll sort out the whole mess when they're home safe in Hawaii and she'll apologize for real and they'll all forgive her, just as soon as they're home and safe. And then the next thing he knows Wo Fat pulls a gun out of nowhere and Jenna is dead and Danny has gone worryingly silent and Steve is screaming at Wo Fat, rage and grief making him spit out threats he has no way of carrying out, and oh God, what is he going to tell Danny? Danny, who's never going to know because he doesn't know where they are or what happened to them, and Steve is never going to be able to tell him any of it.
He escapes, because that's the only option he has, but there's nowhere to go but straight into gunfire, and when he's shoved to the ground and trussed up again like a pig for a luau, he feels something ridiculously like relief. He doesn't know anything about Shelburne, and when that becomes apparent Wo Fat is going to kill him outright, and Steve is starting to look forward to that. There's nowhere to go, no one to turn to, no one left who knows he's here, and his head is throbbing and his shoulders are screaming in agony, his back on fire. Sitting down, at least, he doesn't have to put any more weight on his feet, and he lets his head rest against the wooden partition in the truck, wondering just how long it will be before Wo Fat puts a bullet in his brain. Danny would be upset if he got shot, Steve thinks muzzily, head lolling. Danny has an aversion to bullets, doesn't like it when they're flying around. He'd hate this mission, if he knew, if he wasn't home safe in Hawaii. Look at you, babe, you're a mess. What is it with you and being such a magnet for bullets, huh?
"Danny," he mumbles, but it's useless, because Danny isn't here, Danny doesn't know where he is. Danny's safe at home in Hawaii with his family, and that's something to be grateful for, at least.
He lets himself imagine that Danny's here, ignores the sounds of explosions and gunfire from outside (soon none of it is going to matter at all anyway), lets himself have this fantasy because there's no harm in it anymore. He lets his eyes close, only to have them snap open a moment later when light slants across his face, bright and sharp, and Danny's voice pierces through the fog and noise. "Hey, Steve! I got Steve -he's alive!"
The tarp on the truck gets pulled up and flung open, and Steve tells himself it can't be real, even as he's breathing out Danny's name like it's the answer to all his prayers (which it might be, but he's not really thinking too straight anymore). "Danny..."
Danny's not really there, the way he hasn't been there the whole time, because Danny doesn't know where he is, but the ropes are gone from his wrists, and Danny's telling him to shut up in that choked-off voice he gets sometimes when Steve has dodged one too many bullets for his liking. Steve thinks maybe he asked about Wo Fat, because that's who he was expecting, because Danny's not meant to be here. Danny's meant to be safe at home with his family, but he's here and so is Chin and a crowd of familiar faces, pulling him up and out of the truck. Danny's holding him up, and Steve wants to tell him he's fine, he can walk on his own -he did it not two hours ago- except that his knees buckle before he can even open his mouth. Chin and Danny carry him between them, and he's glad it's them, glad it's not any of these other men he doesn't really know (he doesn't know Joe anymore, wonders if he ever really did), glad that they're here and real even though they should have stayed where it was safe.
Kono's not here, but he'll see her soon. He finds himself sitting propped up between Joe's knees, and he wishes it was Danny, but he grins anyway. Chin is getting married and Danny's cracking jokes, and Steve grins until he thinks his face might split in two. Joe pats him on the shoulder and all he can think is that he wants it to be Danny's hands and Danny's a whole entire world away.
There's a hospital in Seoul, but Steve doesn't want to stay a minute more than he has to, and to his surprise Danny backs him up, insists that they need to go home to Hawaii and he can rest there, go to the hospital in Honolulu if he has to. Steve is cleaned up, wearing hospital scrubs and bandages and nothing else, but Danny shoots him this look that tells Steve that he gets it, he gets that Steve needs to be home, needs the sound and smell of the ocean, that this bright city full of unaccustomed sounds and lights and smells is the last thing he wants or needs. It's not that different from one hospital to the next, but somehow it does make a difference, and maybe it's just the drugs they're pumping into his IV, but he lets himself drift, watches everyone move around his hospital bed, movements jerky like an old film reel.
Danny puts a hand over his, and it's the only thing that's felt real since they pulled him off the back of the truck. Steve shifts a little on the bed, and Danny brushes his free hand against his forehead, the way he might do with Grace when she's feeling sick, Steve thinks muzzily. "Fever's up, a little. How you feeling, babe?"
"Why did you come?" It's not what Steve meant to say, but it's what comes out of his mouth anyway. "'s dangerous, Danny. Could have been killed."
"I seem to recall saying the same thing to you, jerk."
Steve shakes his head, even though that makes it hurt more. "But you have your family here, Danno."
He's surprised when Danny jerks back at that like he's been stung, face closing off. "Right," he says stiffly. "You get some rest, okay? I'm gonna get some air."
Steve stares after him, wishing it didn't feel quite so much like he's being ripped apart when Danny leaves his sight. He shifts again on the bed, finds Chin shaking his head at him. "What'd I say?"
Chin pats him gently on the knee, mindful of his injuries. "Brah, there are times when I wonder how the hell you survived the SEALs, being this clueless. What makes you think you're not Danny's family? That he wouldn't do for you what you'd do for him or any one of us in a heartbeat? You went to North Korea for Jenna when she was in trouble, why shouldn't we come for you?"
It makes a lot more sense than it really should. He should go after Danny, explain what he meant, except that everything feels kind of heavy and sluggish, and when Chin suggests gently that he should get some sleep, he can't find it in himself to argue or even resist. When he wakes up again, the lights in the room have been dimmed, and Danny is slumped uncomfortably in a chair next to the bed, watching him. He scrambles up to stand next to Steve's bed.
"Hey, you're awake. How you feeling?"
He doesn't really know, can't begin to answer, so instead he pulls a hand free from his sheets and reaches out. He's rewarded when Danny takes his hand without hesitation, fingers warm and strong and lightly calloused from years of working with a gun. Steve swallows, throat still too dry, barely recognizes his own voice when he manages to speak.
"I thought about you the whole time," he says.
Danny's answering laugh is the best sound he's heard in his entire life.
Summary: Coda to 2.10 Steve thinks about Danny the whole time he's in North Korea.
Characters: Steve, with appearances by basically the whole cast. I guess there's implied Steve/Danny, or maybe it's very pre-slash, IDEK. It reads like gen, though.
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,363
Disclaimer: It all belongs to CBS, alas. Nothing recognizable is mine.
Warnings: Violence, mentions of torture
Neurotic Author's Note #1: We really needed another coda to 2.10, right? Right? Yes. Well, since we needed one, here it is. :)
Neurotic Author's Note #2: This is mostly pkwench's fault. She gave me a prompt, and then I took liberties with the prompt, and it resulted in this.
Neurotic Author's Note #3: This is much closer to how I would have liked it to go. But then, I'm a little biased toward Steve/Danny, so there.
Steve can count on the fingers of one hand the times in his life when he has been taken completely off-guard. The first time was when uniformed officers appeared on his father's doorstep and turned all their lives completely upside-down. The second was an ambush somewhere in the Indochina peninsula during an op that was so covert he was practically ordered to forget it ever happened. The third was when Victor Hesse murdered his father thousands of miles away, a gunshot over a phone line. The fourth time was the only one that ever turned out well, and that was when he found himself on the receiving end of a very respectable hay-maker from a short, loud-mouthed Jersey cop.
Right now he's staring down the barrel of a gun, staring past it into the wild, desperate eyes of Jenna Kaye, and it feels a lot like she's already pulled the trigger. He has to resist the impulse to look down, to grab at his gut to check for bullets. Danny warned him about something like this happening, is the last thing he thinks before everything goes dark, Jenna's "I'm sorry," still echoing in his ears.
Danny's never going to know what happened to him. He's being half-dragged through the rainforest, rope around his neck like a pack animal, and Danny is never going to know any of it. Steve yells at Wo Fat for as long as he can manage, demanding answers he's never going to get, because yelling about Jenna takes his mind off Danny, off the fact that he knows he's never going to see him again, never hear his voice again, never feel the tips of his fingers against his skin ever again. So he tries to fall back on his training, tries so hard it feels like his head might explode, but it doesn't work. For the first time in his life it doesn't work, because Danny's gotten under his skin and that's all he can think of, how Danny knew this was a trap, how he tried to warn him in his own way without trying to hold him back. He shouts at Wo Fat again, and gets beaten down again, like a stray dog, and at least for a while he's unconscious and doesn't have to think about any of it.
The thing is, Jenna's family. Jenna is ohana, has been ever since she weaselled her way into Five-0 all those months ago. It's what makes this so goddamned awful. She's one of them, Danny loves her, Kono loves her, they all do. They've all known what it's like to lose someone they love, that's why they all knew she was one of them from the start. It's why it hurts so goddamned much. And yeah, Steve gets it. He's not sure that he wouldn't step over that line if it meant getting back his mother, getting back his father (his mind refuses to contemplate putting Danny in that scenario, it's unthinkable). But Jenna chose a different kind of family, and he doesn't know what to do with that. Danny would, he thinks, even as he's being strung up like a side of beef, even as the blows rain down on. Danny understands these things, because he's good like that, even if Steve likes to give him a hard time about having feelings. Steve has them too, he just never knows what to do with them the way Danny does. Danny gets it, gets him, the way no one has since Steve's mother was alive.
Jenna's crying. Her fiancé is dead and Steve could have told her that from the start if she'd only told him the truth. Or maybe Danny could tell her, he's better at the next-of-kin stuff. Steve's shoulders are on fire, and he's perversely grateful because it means his lacerated feet aren't bearing any of his weight. If Danny were here, he'd be yelling at Steve for being a reckless hero with a death wish, untying him and holding him up and probably propping him up somewhere to try to clean him up, lecturing him the whole time. Jenna's tears are drying, slowly, and all he can hear is Danny's voice at the back of his mind, telling him to stay sharp, to pay attention, to come home safe -you jerk- because otherwise he'll lose his mind, and nobody wants that.
Wo Fat is a hands-on guy. He likes to commit his own murders, conduct his own interrogations. Danny would have something to say about that, something acerbic and straight to the point. Steve thinks Danny would probably want to use Wo Fat's own cattle prod on him, give him a taste of his own medicine, because for all that Danny likes to tell Steve that he's an animal, that he can't be taken out in public, Steve knows who Danny is, under that fast-talking exterior. He knows Danny, knows that there is literally nothing Danny won't do for his family, knows that, even if he doesn't deserve it, Danny thinks of him as family. Danny would be coming for him right now, if Danny even knew where he was, if he knew what was happening, except that he doesn't and it means Steve is never going to see Danny again. Wo Fat asks about Shelburne again, and again, and the cattle prod sizzles and sparks and all Steve can do is try to keep from screaming so loudly that he irreparably damages his vocal cords. Then Wo Fat loses his temper, uses his fists, and Danny's voice is back, crystal clear in Steve's head You see that, babe? He's lost it. He's panicking, because he has no idea what he's asking about. And Steve laughs in Wo Fat's face, spits blood onto the floor, because it's become a farce, an ignorant man asking a man in the dark if he's got a light.
Steve laughs, because Danny's right, and Jenna is giving him the keys to the kingdom, and for a split-second he thinks that he's going to get them out of this, get them both out of this and they'll sort out the whole mess when they're home safe in Hawaii and she'll apologize for real and they'll all forgive her, just as soon as they're home and safe. And then the next thing he knows Wo Fat pulls a gun out of nowhere and Jenna is dead and Danny has gone worryingly silent and Steve is screaming at Wo Fat, rage and grief making him spit out threats he has no way of carrying out, and oh God, what is he going to tell Danny? Danny, who's never going to know because he doesn't know where they are or what happened to them, and Steve is never going to be able to tell him any of it.
He escapes, because that's the only option he has, but there's nowhere to go but straight into gunfire, and when he's shoved to the ground and trussed up again like a pig for a luau, he feels something ridiculously like relief. He doesn't know anything about Shelburne, and when that becomes apparent Wo Fat is going to kill him outright, and Steve is starting to look forward to that. There's nowhere to go, no one to turn to, no one left who knows he's here, and his head is throbbing and his shoulders are screaming in agony, his back on fire. Sitting down, at least, he doesn't have to put any more weight on his feet, and he lets his head rest against the wooden partition in the truck, wondering just how long it will be before Wo Fat puts a bullet in his brain. Danny would be upset if he got shot, Steve thinks muzzily, head lolling. Danny has an aversion to bullets, doesn't like it when they're flying around. He'd hate this mission, if he knew, if he wasn't home safe in Hawaii. Look at you, babe, you're a mess. What is it with you and being such a magnet for bullets, huh?
"Danny," he mumbles, but it's useless, because Danny isn't here, Danny doesn't know where he is. Danny's safe at home in Hawaii with his family, and that's something to be grateful for, at least.
He lets himself imagine that Danny's here, ignores the sounds of explosions and gunfire from outside (soon none of it is going to matter at all anyway), lets himself have this fantasy because there's no harm in it anymore. He lets his eyes close, only to have them snap open a moment later when light slants across his face, bright and sharp, and Danny's voice pierces through the fog and noise. "Hey, Steve! I got Steve -he's alive!"
The tarp on the truck gets pulled up and flung open, and Steve tells himself it can't be real, even as he's breathing out Danny's name like it's the answer to all his prayers (which it might be, but he's not really thinking too straight anymore). "Danny..."
Danny's not really there, the way he hasn't been there the whole time, because Danny doesn't know where he is, but the ropes are gone from his wrists, and Danny's telling him to shut up in that choked-off voice he gets sometimes when Steve has dodged one too many bullets for his liking. Steve thinks maybe he asked about Wo Fat, because that's who he was expecting, because Danny's not meant to be here. Danny's meant to be safe at home with his family, but he's here and so is Chin and a crowd of familiar faces, pulling him up and out of the truck. Danny's holding him up, and Steve wants to tell him he's fine, he can walk on his own -he did it not two hours ago- except that his knees buckle before he can even open his mouth. Chin and Danny carry him between them, and he's glad it's them, glad it's not any of these other men he doesn't really know (he doesn't know Joe anymore, wonders if he ever really did), glad that they're here and real even though they should have stayed where it was safe.
Kono's not here, but he'll see her soon. He finds himself sitting propped up between Joe's knees, and he wishes it was Danny, but he grins anyway. Chin is getting married and Danny's cracking jokes, and Steve grins until he thinks his face might split in two. Joe pats him on the shoulder and all he can think is that he wants it to be Danny's hands and Danny's a whole entire world away.
There's a hospital in Seoul, but Steve doesn't want to stay a minute more than he has to, and to his surprise Danny backs him up, insists that they need to go home to Hawaii and he can rest there, go to the hospital in Honolulu if he has to. Steve is cleaned up, wearing hospital scrubs and bandages and nothing else, but Danny shoots him this look that tells Steve that he gets it, he gets that Steve needs to be home, needs the sound and smell of the ocean, that this bright city full of unaccustomed sounds and lights and smells is the last thing he wants or needs. It's not that different from one hospital to the next, but somehow it does make a difference, and maybe it's just the drugs they're pumping into his IV, but he lets himself drift, watches everyone move around his hospital bed, movements jerky like an old film reel.
Danny puts a hand over his, and it's the only thing that's felt real since they pulled him off the back of the truck. Steve shifts a little on the bed, and Danny brushes his free hand against his forehead, the way he might do with Grace when she's feeling sick, Steve thinks muzzily. "Fever's up, a little. How you feeling, babe?"
"Why did you come?" It's not what Steve meant to say, but it's what comes out of his mouth anyway. "'s dangerous, Danny. Could have been killed."
"I seem to recall saying the same thing to you, jerk."
Steve shakes his head, even though that makes it hurt more. "But you have your family here, Danno."
He's surprised when Danny jerks back at that like he's been stung, face closing off. "Right," he says stiffly. "You get some rest, okay? I'm gonna get some air."
Steve stares after him, wishing it didn't feel quite so much like he's being ripped apart when Danny leaves his sight. He shifts again on the bed, finds Chin shaking his head at him. "What'd I say?"
Chin pats him gently on the knee, mindful of his injuries. "Brah, there are times when I wonder how the hell you survived the SEALs, being this clueless. What makes you think you're not Danny's family? That he wouldn't do for you what you'd do for him or any one of us in a heartbeat? You went to North Korea for Jenna when she was in trouble, why shouldn't we come for you?"
It makes a lot more sense than it really should. He should go after Danny, explain what he meant, except that everything feels kind of heavy and sluggish, and when Chin suggests gently that he should get some sleep, he can't find it in himself to argue or even resist. When he wakes up again, the lights in the room have been dimmed, and Danny is slumped uncomfortably in a chair next to the bed, watching him. He scrambles up to stand next to Steve's bed.
"Hey, you're awake. How you feeling?"
He doesn't really know, can't begin to answer, so instead he pulls a hand free from his sheets and reaches out. He's rewarded when Danny takes his hand without hesitation, fingers warm and strong and lightly calloused from years of working with a gun. Steve swallows, throat still too dry, barely recognizes his own voice when he manages to speak.
"I thought about you the whole time," he says.
Danny's answering laugh is the best sound he's heard in his entire life.