Not in Kansas Anymore
Title: Not in Kansas Anymore
Fandoms: The Hobbit & Supernatural
Pairing: None
Warnings: Crack, just crack.
Word Count: 1688
Disclaimer: If I owned the Hobbit, it would be ridiculous.
Summary: Dean, Sam and Castiel end up in Hobbiton just as the dwarves arrive. Crack ensues.
“I told you not to touch it, but no, you just had to poke the cursed object with a stick.”
“Technically, I didn't touch it, that's what the stick was for. It's not my fault that the magic goblet of whatever-the-fuck decided to send us here anyway.”
“Dammit, Dean! Why can't you ever -”
“Perhaps young Samuel, placing blame can wait until we discover how to return to your home because this is no earthly plane that I can recognize.”
“See Sammy, Cas agrees with me and you can't argue with an Angel of the Lo- Wait a minute, what do you mean you don't recognize this place? I thought angels were supposed to be all-knowing and all-seeing and shit.”
“The word is omniscient, Dean. I know your brain has trouble handling that many syllables but you could at least try to tone down the swearing in front of Castiel.”
“There is no need to defend my sensibilities, young Winchester. I am well aware of your brother's rough exterior and I assure you this only makes his soul shine brighter to our eyes.”
“See Sammy, angels fucking love me. You're the one who needs to take that stick out of your ass.”
“Screw you, my sex life has nothing to do with the state of my soul.”
“Now that he has stopped sleeping with the demon Ruby, Samuel is actually correct. Our Father has never cared whether or not you fornicate.”
“Great. Just great. Now Dean is going to be insufferable. But seeing as I will never be able to hear the word fornicate again without cringing, can we get back to the much more pressing question of where the hell we are?”
“I assure you, this is not Hell. But as I was trying to tell your brother before you interrupted, I am neither omnipotent nor omniscient and thus I have no idea about the answer that you seek. Though it does look like a very peaceful place to be.”
“It's too peaceful if you ask me; I can feel my badassity disappearing already.”
“Badassity is not a word, Dean.”
“Suck it, Sammy. If I want to-”
“What are you doing in my azalea patch?!”
“I- Well-”
“We just...”
“I do apolo-”
“You're really short.”
“Sammy!”
“SHORT! Why you... ! I'll have you know that I am three feet and four inches tall, which is a perfectly respectable height for a hobbit. It's you great lumbering lugs who have blundered into my yard, stomping all over my lovely flowers without a care in the world. Of course you didn't bother to think about how long it took me to grow that perfect shade of red or how Meredith is going to lord it over me at the next market fair. No, you just show up, disrupting my nicely settled life just like that meddling wizard. All that talk of adventure and magic and nothing practical like what's going to happen to my hobbit hole if I just go running off...”
“Excuse me? Did you say wizard?”
“Oh yes, Gandalf the Grey he called himself. More like Gandalf the Meddler because I recognize that deceptive twinkle in his eye. But if he thinks I'm going to-”
“You mean, like an actual wizard? With a pointy hat and magic staff and everything?”
“Well I've never actually seen him do any magic, unless you count his impressive fireworks, but that is the general idea. It's not like there's much call for spells around these parts. Why do you ask?”
“Because, my small friend, we are not from your world. We were sent here by a curse of great power and perhaps this wizard Gandalf may be able to assist us in our journey home.”
“Oh, dear. I guess you had better come inside then. I don't know when exactly Gandalf will return, but he did say that he might stop by sometime tonight. Come, come, into the dining room. I was just about to cook supper and you must be starving from your travails. But oh, do watch your hea-”
“Fucking ow! Why would you put a lamp there! Fuck! Fuck! Ow!”
“My word, are you all right?”
“Don't worry about the Sasquatch over there. He's got a head like a rock so he'll be fine. Serves him right for being ginormous anyway and we have much more important things to talk about. Like food.”
“Of course, of course. I have fish and potatoes and a fine head of cabbage, and there are bread rolls and jam and sliced meats and cheese - three kinds I'll have you know. As well as mushrooms and rice and five sorts of soup; the finest larder in Hobbiton is at your service tonight.”
“We thank you, Master Hobbit, but you need not worry about me. I do not require sustenance.”
“Oh, are you not very hungry? I have plenty of light snacks as well.”
“You misunderstand me. I simply do not eat.”
“You. Don't. Eat.”
“Damn it, Cas. Now look at what you've done. You made him faint...
Hey, hey. Wake up. There you go. Ignore Cas, he's totally crazy and I forgot to ask you the most important question. Do you have any pie?”
“Do I have any pie? Of course I have pie. I have three kinds in the pantry and if you give me a candlemark I can whip up some more. Peach, apple or boysenberry?”
“...Sammy. I think I'm in love.”
---**Several pies later**---
“So when is this wizard of yours supposed to get here?”
“It should be any time now. I could have sworn he said that he planned to eat tonight and there's only two meals left... Oh, there's the doorbell now.”
“...You're really short for a wizard. How's the air down there?”
“Why don't I chop you off at your kneecaps and let you find out?”
“Dammit, Sammy. Will you stop knocking these people about their height? We can't all be giants like you and that axe looks sharp.”
“Of course it's sharp. What kind of unskilled dwarrowling do you take me f-?”
“Now, now. Master Dwarrow. These men are my guests and I will not have bloodshed on my mother's carpets, even if they deserve a slash or two... And to answer your question, young Sam, this is not a wizard. This is a dwarf, though I'm a wee bit unclear on why he's in my hobbit hole.”
“Well you're a burglar, aren't you? Now, Gandalf said there would be food?”
“Oh yes, of course. Please come and help yoursel- A burglar! Why I never! When I see that wizard I'm going to smack him so hard his ears will be ringing all the way to Rivendell.” **Mutter, mutter, mutter**
“Was it something I said?”
“Don't worry about it. He seems the touchy sort. But do you really prefer to be called a dwarf? I thought that the politically correct term was little person these days.”
“Grrrrr!”
“Samuel, you should probably stop speaking to Master Dwalin here; he has murder growing in his heart. You should go to answer the door instead.”
“The door? But it hasn't-” *Chime* “Sure, Cas. I'll go do tha- GOD DAMN IT!! Why are all these lights so freaking low?!”
“I swear you did that on purpose.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
---**A short time later**---
“So you were sent here by a cursed goblet?”
“Yeah, I'll let Sammy fill you in on the details. I've got to get me some more pie before these dwarves eat everything.”
“They're all so short. Why are they all so short?! I feel like I'm surrounded by smurfs. Bearded grumpy smurfs with far too many swords... Motherfucker! The next lamp I run into is getting ripped out of the wall!!”
“...Maybe you had better talk to Cas instead.”
“Greetings wizard. I am Castiel, an Angel of the Lord.”
“How very fascinating. I am Gandalf the Grey and you are like no man that I have ever seen. Though in truth you aren't a man, are you, despite the form you wear?”
“This body was freely given and we are not so different, even if you cloak your brilliance in the weight of memory.”
“Perhaps not. Perhaps not indeed. Shall we get down to business then?”
“Yes. We shall.”
“Is your brother all right? He seems a bit twitchy.”
“Sammy? He'll be fine in a bit. Apparently dwarves just give him the creeps.”
“That's... actually kind of insulting. We've hardly been that bad, have we?”
“Don't worry about it, Kíli. Lots of men don't take kindly to dwarves, although they usually pretend that we've cheated them before they try to run us out of town.”
“Okay, seriously? Get over here, bitch, you're making us Winchesters look like a bunch of speciesist douchebags and you need to cut it out.”
“Speciesist isn't a word, Dean. And I'm not one, anyway. Unlike you I don't have trouble with people who are different from me.”
“So prove it, college boy. Sit down here with our new friends and have a couple drinks.”
“Fine then! I will, jerk!”
---**Several drinks later**---
“... and that's when Sammy ran screaming from the room.”
“Hah! You are a fine teller of tales, Master Winchester. Let us drink!”
“Damn straight, that is an awesome plan. But you should really call me Dean instead of that Master Winchester stuff. I'm not a freaking priest.”
“In that case you must call us Fíli and Kíli. We've never been much for titles like our uncle sometimes wants.”
“ “At your service.” ”
“You know, I am pretty drunk but I think you said that already and if you're really at my service, you should hand me another pie.”
“Ori! Pastry!... Here you are, my friend.”
“Seriously, Sammy. These guys are the best.”
“Whatever. I still think they're like freaky midget acrobats or something. You just like them because they're enabling your creepy pie obsession without complaint.”
“... And there's nothing wrong with that. Why you got to be hating all the time?”
“I'm not hating. You're just an overly friendly man-child.”
“Ah, shut it. Someone has to have some fun with a downer like you around. Hey, Fíli, want to trade? At least your brother seems to know how to party.”
“Tempting, but no. I promised our mother that I would look after Kíli and you don't want him anyway. He's loud and reckless and always loses my best knives.”
**Perks up** “Did you say knives?”
---**Several near misses later**---
“Hey! Watch it lads! That last dagger nearly sliced my beard!”
“Sorry, Balin. Sammy here merely wanted to test his aim... Here friend, try this one. The balance may be more to your taste.”
“Dean, I take it all back. These guys are the best. We should just stay here forever even if I'm always hitting my head on things. You'd have your food and I could start a new collection of sharp things to throw. It would be awesome.”
“Hah! I told you, bitch.”
“Jerk.”
“Elf-face.”
“Royal pain.”
“Um, what?”
“Sorry, my friends. Were we not trading insults now?”
“No, no. I was just trying to say how amazing you guys are. You are my favorite people ever and we should just have adventures all the time. We could be the Four Musketeers with funny nicknames and everything!”
“Tempting, Sammy, very tempting. I'd forgotten how ridiculous a drunk you are when you’re not depressed. But-”
“HAVE YOU BEEN THROWING KNIVES AT MY GRANDMOTHER'S ARMOIRE?!!”
“-I think it may be time to leave.”
“Indeed. The wizard and I have discovered a path home and so you must say farewell to your friends. Thank you all for your hospitality.”
**Swoosh****Pop****Sizzle****Crack**
**Silence**
“Curse it, Fíli. They took the pie.”
End
Now with a sequel (written by someone else) on Ao3: Over a Rainbow
Fandoms: The Hobbit & Supernatural
Pairing: None
Warnings: Crack, just crack.
Word Count: 1688
Disclaimer: If I owned the Hobbit, it would be ridiculous.
Summary: Dean, Sam and Castiel end up in Hobbiton just as the dwarves arrive. Crack ensues.
“I told you not to touch it, but no, you just had to poke the cursed object with a stick.”
“Technically, I didn't touch it, that's what the stick was for. It's not my fault that the magic goblet of whatever-the-fuck decided to send us here anyway.”
“Dammit, Dean! Why can't you ever -”
“Perhaps young Samuel, placing blame can wait until we discover how to return to your home because this is no earthly plane that I can recognize.”
“See Sammy, Cas agrees with me and you can't argue with an Angel of the Lo- Wait a minute, what do you mean you don't recognize this place? I thought angels were supposed to be all-knowing and all-seeing and shit.”
“The word is omniscient, Dean. I know your brain has trouble handling that many syllables but you could at least try to tone down the swearing in front of Castiel.”
“There is no need to defend my sensibilities, young Winchester. I am well aware of your brother's rough exterior and I assure you this only makes his soul shine brighter to our eyes.”
“See Sammy, angels fucking love me. You're the one who needs to take that stick out of your ass.”
“Screw you, my sex life has nothing to do with the state of my soul.”
“Now that he has stopped sleeping with the demon Ruby, Samuel is actually correct. Our Father has never cared whether or not you fornicate.”
“Great. Just great. Now Dean is going to be insufferable. But seeing as I will never be able to hear the word fornicate again without cringing, can we get back to the much more pressing question of where the hell we are?”
“I assure you, this is not Hell. But as I was trying to tell your brother before you interrupted, I am neither omnipotent nor omniscient and thus I have no idea about the answer that you seek. Though it does look like a very peaceful place to be.”
“It's too peaceful if you ask me; I can feel my badassity disappearing already.”
“Badassity is not a word, Dean.”
“Suck it, Sammy. If I want to-”
“What are you doing in my azalea patch?!”
“I- Well-”
“We just...”
“I do apolo-”
“You're really short.”
“Sammy!”
“SHORT! Why you... ! I'll have you know that I am three feet and four inches tall, which is a perfectly respectable height for a hobbit. It's you great lumbering lugs who have blundered into my yard, stomping all over my lovely flowers without a care in the world. Of course you didn't bother to think about how long it took me to grow that perfect shade of red or how Meredith is going to lord it over me at the next market fair. No, you just show up, disrupting my nicely settled life just like that meddling wizard. All that talk of adventure and magic and nothing practical like what's going to happen to my hobbit hole if I just go running off...”
“Excuse me? Did you say wizard?”
“Oh yes, Gandalf the Grey he called himself. More like Gandalf the Meddler because I recognize that deceptive twinkle in his eye. But if he thinks I'm going to-”
“You mean, like an actual wizard? With a pointy hat and magic staff and everything?”
“Well I've never actually seen him do any magic, unless you count his impressive fireworks, but that is the general idea. It's not like there's much call for spells around these parts. Why do you ask?”
“Because, my small friend, we are not from your world. We were sent here by a curse of great power and perhaps this wizard Gandalf may be able to assist us in our journey home.”
“Oh, dear. I guess you had better come inside then. I don't know when exactly Gandalf will return, but he did say that he might stop by sometime tonight. Come, come, into the dining room. I was just about to cook supper and you must be starving from your travails. But oh, do watch your hea-”
“Fucking ow! Why would you put a lamp there! Fuck! Fuck! Ow!”
“My word, are you all right?”
“Don't worry about the Sasquatch over there. He's got a head like a rock so he'll be fine. Serves him right for being ginormous anyway and we have much more important things to talk about. Like food.”
“Of course, of course. I have fish and potatoes and a fine head of cabbage, and there are bread rolls and jam and sliced meats and cheese - three kinds I'll have you know. As well as mushrooms and rice and five sorts of soup; the finest larder in Hobbiton is at your service tonight.”
“We thank you, Master Hobbit, but you need not worry about me. I do not require sustenance.”
“Oh, are you not very hungry? I have plenty of light snacks as well.”
“You misunderstand me. I simply do not eat.”
“You. Don't. Eat.”
“Damn it, Cas. Now look at what you've done. You made him faint...
Hey, hey. Wake up. There you go. Ignore Cas, he's totally crazy and I forgot to ask you the most important question. Do you have any pie?”
“Do I have any pie? Of course I have pie. I have three kinds in the pantry and if you give me a candlemark I can whip up some more. Peach, apple or boysenberry?”
“...Sammy. I think I'm in love.”
---**Several pies later**---
“So when is this wizard of yours supposed to get here?”
“It should be any time now. I could have sworn he said that he planned to eat tonight and there's only two meals left... Oh, there's the doorbell now.”
“...You're really short for a wizard. How's the air down there?”
“Why don't I chop you off at your kneecaps and let you find out?”
“Dammit, Sammy. Will you stop knocking these people about their height? We can't all be giants like you and that axe looks sharp.”
“Of course it's sharp. What kind of unskilled dwarrowling do you take me f-?”
“Now, now. Master Dwarrow. These men are my guests and I will not have bloodshed on my mother's carpets, even if they deserve a slash or two... And to answer your question, young Sam, this is not a wizard. This is a dwarf, though I'm a wee bit unclear on why he's in my hobbit hole.”
“Well you're a burglar, aren't you? Now, Gandalf said there would be food?”
“Oh yes, of course. Please come and help yoursel- A burglar! Why I never! When I see that wizard I'm going to smack him so hard his ears will be ringing all the way to Rivendell.” **Mutter, mutter, mutter**
“Was it something I said?”
“Don't worry about it. He seems the touchy sort. But do you really prefer to be called a dwarf? I thought that the politically correct term was little person these days.”
“Grrrrr!”
“Samuel, you should probably stop speaking to Master Dwalin here; he has murder growing in his heart. You should go to answer the door instead.”
“The door? But it hasn't-” *Chime* “Sure, Cas. I'll go do tha- GOD DAMN IT!! Why are all these lights so freaking low?!”
“I swear you did that on purpose.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
---**A short time later**---
“So you were sent here by a cursed goblet?”
“Yeah, I'll let Sammy fill you in on the details. I've got to get me some more pie before these dwarves eat everything.”
“They're all so short. Why are they all so short?! I feel like I'm surrounded by smurfs. Bearded grumpy smurfs with far too many swords... Motherfucker! The next lamp I run into is getting ripped out of the wall!!”
“...Maybe you had better talk to Cas instead.”
“Greetings wizard. I am Castiel, an Angel of the Lord.”
“How very fascinating. I am Gandalf the Grey and you are like no man that I have ever seen. Though in truth you aren't a man, are you, despite the form you wear?”
“This body was freely given and we are not so different, even if you cloak your brilliance in the weight of memory.”
“Perhaps not. Perhaps not indeed. Shall we get down to business then?”
“Yes. We shall.”
“Is your brother all right? He seems a bit twitchy.”
“Sammy? He'll be fine in a bit. Apparently dwarves just give him the creeps.”
“That's... actually kind of insulting. We've hardly been that bad, have we?”
“Don't worry about it, Kíli. Lots of men don't take kindly to dwarves, although they usually pretend that we've cheated them before they try to run us out of town.”
“Okay, seriously? Get over here, bitch, you're making us Winchesters look like a bunch of speciesist douchebags and you need to cut it out.”
“Speciesist isn't a word, Dean. And I'm not one, anyway. Unlike you I don't have trouble with people who are different from me.”
“So prove it, college boy. Sit down here with our new friends and have a couple drinks.”
“Fine then! I will, jerk!”
---**Several drinks later**---
“... and that's when Sammy ran screaming from the room.”
“Hah! You are a fine teller of tales, Master Winchester. Let us drink!”
“Damn straight, that is an awesome plan. But you should really call me Dean instead of that Master Winchester stuff. I'm not a freaking priest.”
“In that case you must call us Fíli and Kíli. We've never been much for titles like our uncle sometimes wants.”
“ “At your service.” ”
“You know, I am pretty drunk but I think you said that already and if you're really at my service, you should hand me another pie.”
“Ori! Pastry!... Here you are, my friend.”
“Seriously, Sammy. These guys are the best.”
“Whatever. I still think they're like freaky midget acrobats or something. You just like them because they're enabling your creepy pie obsession without complaint.”
“... And there's nothing wrong with that. Why you got to be hating all the time?”
“I'm not hating. You're just an overly friendly man-child.”
“Ah, shut it. Someone has to have some fun with a downer like you around. Hey, Fíli, want to trade? At least your brother seems to know how to party.”
“Tempting, but no. I promised our mother that I would look after Kíli and you don't want him anyway. He's loud and reckless and always loses my best knives.”
**Perks up** “Did you say knives?”
---**Several near misses later**---
“Hey! Watch it lads! That last dagger nearly sliced my beard!”
“Sorry, Balin. Sammy here merely wanted to test his aim... Here friend, try this one. The balance may be more to your taste.”
“Dean, I take it all back. These guys are the best. We should just stay here forever even if I'm always hitting my head on things. You'd have your food and I could start a new collection of sharp things to throw. It would be awesome.”
“Hah! I told you, bitch.”
“Jerk.”
“Elf-face.”
“Royal pain.”
“Um, what?”
“Sorry, my friends. Were we not trading insults now?”
“No, no. I was just trying to say how amazing you guys are. You are my favorite people ever and we should just have adventures all the time. We could be the Four Musketeers with funny nicknames and everything!”
“Tempting, Sammy, very tempting. I'd forgotten how ridiculous a drunk you are when you’re not depressed. But-”
“HAVE YOU BEEN THROWING KNIVES AT MY GRANDMOTHER'S ARMOIRE?!!”
“-I think it may be time to leave.”
“Indeed. The wizard and I have discovered a path home and so you must say farewell to your friends. Thank you all for your hospitality.”
**Swoosh****Pop****Sizzle****Crack**
**Silence**
“Curse it, Fíli. They took the pie.”
End
Now with a sequel (written by someone else) on Ao3: Over a Rainbow