The new normal

[randy_byers]

I'm reminded almost every day that there are people who have it far worse than I do. There are people who have the exact same cancer I do and who are undergoing the exact same treatment, who are doing worse than I'm doing and having more problems. There are people with other kinds of cancer who also have it far worse than I do. My dentist told me

Comments

[gerisullivan]

Reading. Listening.

[randy_byers]

Thanks, Geri. It's very much appreciated.

[ext_1726775]

First of all, you probably won't be surprised when I say to you "fuck all that crap about who has it worse than you do". Randy, even if you whined and puled and threw things every damn day, you'd be surviving a very serious illness that tried to kill you. Okay? So fuck who has it worse or who has a different worse

[randy_byers]

Thank you, Andi. It really means a lot to me to read these things from you. Not to be too pathetic, but I'm not used to being so dependent on others, or at least it's been 40 years since I was. I'm not used to feeling so fucking weak and helpless. But I suppose it's edumacational, eh? Maybe I need to learn some humility? Well, we'll see if an old dog can learn new humility.

[ext_1726775]

It's not about humility. You got that, you really did. Being dependent on others SUCKS HUGE massive poisonous tree frogs. Yellow ones. I've had to deal with it for yeah, well over 30 years and you can see how good I am at it, right? It's the misery of being patient with yourself, not comparing what you do to what ANYone else does and letting yourself off the hook. For far more than you realize- but you'd let me off the hook or practically anyone else for the same things.

Pain and illness are tiring and exhausting and that is one of the nastiest things and hardest to get used to. I was supposed to be meeting regularly with Amnesty International, the White House and the ACLU by now, finishing another book and traveling to Tuscany. I woke up, had coffee, did laundry (note that I did not fold or put any of it away) and slept for like 5 hours. Weak and helpless is nasty. And look how successful I am at it after over 30 years. It will change. AND people get it better than we realize.

A

[randy_byers]

I'm smiling at the image of you having coffee with Amnesty International, Michelle and Barack, and the ACLU in Tuscany. It looks like a good time to me!

[dalmeny]

I have never yet met anyone who enjoyed chemo. Not done it myself, but everyone I know who has found it revolting, debilitating, frustrating, and maybe other things ending with "ing". dmw had it fairly easy, yet even a dozen years later his body reacts badly to foodstuffs that remind it of the chemo (chocolate and duck, for some reason that sounds plausible to our biochemist friend). Other friends on chemo, weathering through it took almost all the energy they had.

try to do fun stuff with the people I love, even if it means they end up watching me snooze a lotDid I ever write up the houseboat trip I took with friends when I was going through the worst of my pernicious anemia? That was pretty much exactly as you say. I'd surface for twenty minutes, people would chat with me, then I'd have to go back to my bunk and sleep for a few more hours, all amid beautiful scenery. On one over-ambitious day, I joined my friends for a hike. I lasted about fifteen minutes, after which I sat down under a tree and told them to go on and come back for

[randy_byers]

Thank you so much for all of that. Chocolate and duck? Combined or separately?

Your description of the houseboat trip reminds me so much of the trip I took to the Olympic National Forest with my sister after the radiation was done, including the short hike to Second Beach, where I had to stop and snooze on a driftwood log for a while. Because it was a sunny day (whereas it had been stormy up until that day), it was actually very pleasant, despite the fact that I had absolutely no energy for exploration of the beautiful beach.

[bibliofile]

Andi is wise. Listen to the Andi!

<3