Happy Thoughts: Brendon/Cash. The Beginning.
From: February 15-16, 2008
So what I really was going to write you today, before I got distracted by pictures, is that apparently in my slash version of the frat!verse, Brendon has a boyfriend. I was talking about it with someone in the comments to the last story--she asked if Brendon was gay, and I was like, ...I have no idea! Probably, since I think he probably is in real life.
And then I got this image (because I'm always getting images, right?) of Brendon totally having this crush on this other boy (we're going to go with Cash, from The Cab, though that was a thought from today) and he really likes the other boy, maybe doesn't realize it's a crush, but Cash totally reciprocates it. And Cash tries to make a move--maybe they're studying somewhere? But Cash kisses him, and at first Brendon freezes, and then he kisses back, and then he's like, wait, wait, no. I can't. Maybe it goes farther, maybe it doesn't, but at some point he chooses his house over his boy, because he doesn't want to lose what he has with his frat--they're pretty much his family now-because he's not sure how they'd take it (even if we all know that they couldn't care less) and then Brendon is sad.
Then I was thinking that word gets around about Pete and Patrick, and Brendon's like, wow, I could have this! But maybe Spencer is the one to corner Brendon and be like, dude, what the fuck? And Brendon ends up telling him, because he's pretty sure Spencer won't care, and Spencer's like, you don't think Patrick spends every night over at Pete's *studying*, do you? Then Jon and Ryan wander in, and they're like, um, duh. You totally need to invite him over. And Brendon really wants to.
So he goes back to Cash's dorm and knocks and he's like, hi, I'm an idiot, and Cash says, "You really are." And at some point Brendon invites him over to the house, and they make out in his room, and Jon and Cassie walk in on them, and Jon tells whomever's in the hall that Brendon's making out with his boyfriend, and Brendon blushes, but then all the rest of the house wants to meet Cash and they all love him of course, and thus ends my happy thought.
Brendon/Cash is totally my new happy place. I want to cuddle them! And then I want them to cuddle each other! Like, I can't stop grinning at the idea of Jon walking in on them, and Brendon and Cash being totally mussed when the first of the other guys come in to check out this new significant other and totally make sure he's worthy of Brendon, which he obviously is, since he's sitting between Brendon and the arm of the couch, and he's not trying to move away from Brendon at all. Instead he's got his hand wrapped around Brendon's wrist, fingers rubbing small circles over Brendon's pulse point, maybe to calm Brendon down, maybe to calm himself down? And then when even more guys come in (I'm thinking Bill and Gabe and Travis, probably Pete, too) Cash just holds on to Brendon.
-Because my brain won't stop working! Going back, deepening:
I've decided that Brendon and Cash were totally partners in Bio 202, because Ryan and Spencer managed to get into a completely different section, and Brendon somehow got stuck with the 9 o'clock lab on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it's one of those things where he walks into the lab and feels like everyone else already knows each other, or at least *someone* and so when he sees an empty seat, he asks if he can take it, and Cash (because of course it's next to Cash) smiles up at him and says, sure! And so they totally bond over, like, disecting fetal pigs and ...I can't remember what else I dissected in bio, and going on hikes to pick up specimens to examine. And they become pretty good friends, so they decide to try to sign up for the same lab again Spring quarter.
And at first it's great, they sit together in class, they go study in the library together, Brendon goes over to Cash's dorm and studies there, and it's at that point, when they totally stopped talking about Biology an hour before, and Brendon's doodling pictures in highlighter on a blank page of his notebook, that Cash sort of half stands out of his seat and leans across the table and kisses Brendon. Then he sits down and blushes, and Brendon opens and closes his mouth a few times. Cash almost looks like he's going to say he's sorry, but his stare turns rather defiant after a moment, and Brendon knows he should say he's sorry, Cash misunderstood some signal, he should leave before things get anymore awkward, because they're getting really awkward, but when Brendon breaks, it's not for the door, it's to give Cash a kiss of his own. And then they're sort of smiling and giggling and then they hear people coming down the hallway, so they sit back down and start pretending to study again.
And Brendon thinks this is awesome, until he actually gets back to the house, and Ryan and Spencer and Jon are sitting around talking about their girlfriends, or maybe the girls are there, too, and they start talking about trying to set Brendon up with someone--Greta, perhaps? And Brendon sort of freaks, because of course he's expected to have a girlfriend. That's what frat boys do.
And Brendon starts feeling awkward around Cash again, because he doesn't know how to tell his guys, doesn't know how they'll take it, and what if they hate him, what if this ruins everything that he's built with his house--he's already pretty much lost his parents, not wanting to be Mormon any longer, and if he loses his guys... So. Freak out!
Cash invites him over after their Bio lab the next week, and Brendon stammers some totally lame excuse, which Cash can totally see through, and it breaks Brendon's heart to do it, but the next class, he doesn't sit by Cash anymore. And there's some other frat boy in their lab section--a FIJI, maybe?--and he starts doing his labs with him. And Brendon gets totally depressed, even though he knows he has no right, and sometimes he'll find himself looking around the library for Cash, or walking by his dorm and looking up at the window to Cash's room, and--he's totally broken-hearted.
So, he throws himself into house stuff to distract himself. He volunteers to be in charge of writing the House of the Year application, and he sort of takes that as the call to make sure they're involved in everything, so that they CAN win. So, he heads their Greek Week organizing committee. He makes them participate in other houses philanthropies. The 24 hour dance-a-thon? He is so there! Also, Spring Sing! They're doing Aladdin, how can he not be thinking about it 24 hours a day?
And every time he sees Cash now, he's with a brother, or another Greek person, or maybe Greta, because she's silly and fun to hang out with, and SHE doesn't want to date him--no matter that everyone else seems to want her to--so bonus.
Finally, though, maybe the week before the Spring Sing/House of the Year award giving, Spencer is like, dude. what the hell? What's going on? And Brendon's wound so tightly, and he just wants to TELL somebody, so. He does. He's sitting on Travis' couch (because Spencer's living with Travis this quarter) and his leg is bouncing up and down, and then for a moment he just. stops. and says, "I'm gay. Maybe. I--"
Spencer's not so much surprised. So really, he just says, "And?"
And the whole story comes out. How much of a jerk Brendon's been, and he keeps seeing Cash everywhere, and he MISSES Cash, and the stupid, stupid tattoo of the dollar sign, but he just can't, he can't do this, and Spencer actually looks a little bit peeved then. Which is when he busts out with the 'what do you think Patrick does over at Pete's?' line. At which point Brendon starts blinking and says, Really? And Spencer nods and says that the only reason Brendon didn't see it is because he's been too wrapped up in his own problems, and also throwing himself into the whole single-handedly going to win the house the house of the year award thing.
So Brendon starts to feel a little bit of a flicker of hope.
Then, the next night, he tells Jon and Ryan, because it felt really good to tell Spencer! And Jon and Ryan are his other two best friends in the house, so. Yeah. And Jon's like, well what about that guy you know, Ross. That reporter for the paper who kept, like, oohing and ahhing over Tom's photography? And Brendon realizes that they're thinking about setting him up, and he maybe has to bolt at that point, because seriously. He doesn't quite know what to do with all of this.
And he sees Cash on campus some more, but again he's always with a brother or someone, and he can't seem to get up the courage to talk to him, and Cash is studiously not watching him whenever Brendon glances his way, except that one time Brendon catches him at it, and he tries to smile, but then Cash looks away.
Finally, the night of Sing and Awards comes, and they don't win Sing, they place third, but it's totally okay, because they did really awesome, and they DO win the House of the Year award, and Jon totally drags Brendon up on stage to help him accept it, and none of the guys in FBR can stop smiling. Or bouncing. Brendon bounces all the way back to the house, and he bounces up to his room, and then--he's alone in this room, taking off his costume, and he just sort of stops, because this is everything he's been working for, thought he wanted, but it's really not. So, he pulls on his jeans and a hoodie and he makes his decision. The party's already started out in the hallway, Butcher's breaking out the beer, and music is coming out of so many rooms, and there are girlfriends around and Ray's talking about turning on the disco lights in the basement, and so much is about to happen! And Brendon will pretty much be the man of the hour! But he starts heading downstairs, running into Ryan and Keltie and Spencer and Haley at the front door, and they're like, "Where are you going?" and Brendon just runs out, saying, "Things to do!"
Which is, of course, when he shows up at Cash's door. He hides in the lounge for a few minutes, gathering his courage, but then finally he makes himself knock. At first he thinks Cash isn't going to answer, but then he DOES. Brendon wants to reach out and touch so badly he hurts, but he shoves his hands inside his sweatshirt pocket and says something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry, I fucked up. You shouldn't forgive me, I can't forgive me, and all I know was that I was so fucking scared of losing everything, but I didn't know how much it would hurt to lose you, and I know there's not anything I can say--"
Cash asks something along the lines of, "I heard that you won your award. You should be celebrating--"
But Brendon says, "The only person I wanted to share tonight with is you. If, you know, you wanted to."
Cash is silent for a long time, but then he says, "I was just watching 'Army of Darkness'. You know, if you wanted to come in."
Brendon does. He spends the night.
They don't do anything but talk and sleep, and maybe nuzzle a little when they go to bed, and Brendon sleeps better than he has in quite awhile.
The next day, he totally does the Walk of Shame (tm) back to his house, and Ryan's the only one up, in the dining room, and he raises an eyebrow in Brendon's direction, and says, "So." Brendon just smiles.
The next week, when Brendon's pretty much been spending most every night at Cash's, Jon asks when he gets to meet the boyfriend, and Brendon thinks about it long and hard, and then invites Cash over. Which is when we get to the watching TV in Jon and Brendon's room, with one smacked kiss turning into making out, and then, as I said before, Jon and Cassie come in, and Bill's following behind, and when Jon stops in the doorway, Bill runs into him, and says, "what's the hold up, Walker?" and Jon says, "Brendon's totally making out with his boyfriend." But of course, it's not just Bill out there, it's Travis, too, and he's like, "We finally get to meet the boyfriend? Dude! Urie finally brought his boyfriend over!" Which, of course, draws everyone
out.
Then we get to the wrist rubbing, which Spencer is maybe the only one to notice (because of course he has to come in and try to save Brendon from all of the hovering brothers) and he's met Cash before, so he just starts talking to him. And it's like an impromptu party in Brendon and Jon's room, with people coming in and leaving again, and at some point, maybe after it's down to Spencer and Ryan and Jon (and Cassie and Keltie and Haley?) Brendon rests his head on Cash's shoulder, and later that night, Brendon and Jon give Cash a ride back to the dorms, and Brendon spends the night again. And maybe they don't just sleep.
And then, because I refuse to believe that any of the boys in FBR are not made of awesome, Brendon's walking across campus at some point during the next week, and he sees Cash walking towards him with... someone. Gabe? Ryland? Joe? And they're totally vetting Cash, but Cash is taking it with good grace, and when... I'm thinking Joe... leaves, he says, "See you around!" and he says it like he hopes it will be true. At which point, Cash turns to Brendon and says, "Walk you to class?" and Brendon says, "Sure." Then, halfway across the quad, he reaches out to take Cash's hand.
And so it goes...
So what I really was going to write you today, before I got distracted by pictures, is that apparently in my slash version of the frat!verse, Brendon has a boyfriend. I was talking about it with someone in the comments to the last story--she asked if Brendon was gay, and I was like, ...I have no idea! Probably, since I think he probably is in real life.
And then I got this image (because I'm always getting images, right?) of Brendon totally having this crush on this other boy (we're going to go with Cash, from The Cab, though that was a thought from today) and he really likes the other boy, maybe doesn't realize it's a crush, but Cash totally reciprocates it. And Cash tries to make a move--maybe they're studying somewhere? But Cash kisses him, and at first Brendon freezes, and then he kisses back, and then he's like, wait, wait, no. I can't. Maybe it goes farther, maybe it doesn't, but at some point he chooses his house over his boy, because he doesn't want to lose what he has with his frat--they're pretty much his family now-because he's not sure how they'd take it (even if we all know that they couldn't care less) and then Brendon is sad.
Then I was thinking that word gets around about Pete and Patrick, and Brendon's like, wow, I could have this! But maybe Spencer is the one to corner Brendon and be like, dude, what the fuck? And Brendon ends up telling him, because he's pretty sure Spencer won't care, and Spencer's like, you don't think Patrick spends every night over at Pete's *studying*, do you? Then Jon and Ryan wander in, and they're like, um, duh. You totally need to invite him over. And Brendon really wants to.
So he goes back to Cash's dorm and knocks and he's like, hi, I'm an idiot, and Cash says, "You really are." And at some point Brendon invites him over to the house, and they make out in his room, and Jon and Cassie walk in on them, and Jon tells whomever's in the hall that Brendon's making out with his boyfriend, and Brendon blushes, but then all the rest of the house wants to meet Cash and they all love him of course, and thus ends my happy thought.
Brendon/Cash is totally my new happy place. I want to cuddle them! And then I want them to cuddle each other! Like, I can't stop grinning at the idea of Jon walking in on them, and Brendon and Cash being totally mussed when the first of the other guys come in to check out this new significant other and totally make sure he's worthy of Brendon, which he obviously is, since he's sitting between Brendon and the arm of the couch, and he's not trying to move away from Brendon at all. Instead he's got his hand wrapped around Brendon's wrist, fingers rubbing small circles over Brendon's pulse point, maybe to calm Brendon down, maybe to calm himself down? And then when even more guys come in (I'm thinking Bill and Gabe and Travis, probably Pete, too) Cash just holds on to Brendon.
-Because my brain won't stop working! Going back, deepening:
I've decided that Brendon and Cash were totally partners in Bio 202, because Ryan and Spencer managed to get into a completely different section, and Brendon somehow got stuck with the 9 o'clock lab on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it's one of those things where he walks into the lab and feels like everyone else already knows each other, or at least *someone* and so when he sees an empty seat, he asks if he can take it, and Cash (because of course it's next to Cash) smiles up at him and says, sure! And so they totally bond over, like, disecting fetal pigs and ...I can't remember what else I dissected in bio, and going on hikes to pick up specimens to examine. And they become pretty good friends, so they decide to try to sign up for the same lab again Spring quarter.
And at first it's great, they sit together in class, they go study in the library together, Brendon goes over to Cash's dorm and studies there, and it's at that point, when they totally stopped talking about Biology an hour before, and Brendon's doodling pictures in highlighter on a blank page of his notebook, that Cash sort of half stands out of his seat and leans across the table and kisses Brendon. Then he sits down and blushes, and Brendon opens and closes his mouth a few times. Cash almost looks like he's going to say he's sorry, but his stare turns rather defiant after a moment, and Brendon knows he should say he's sorry, Cash misunderstood some signal, he should leave before things get anymore awkward, because they're getting really awkward, but when Brendon breaks, it's not for the door, it's to give Cash a kiss of his own. And then they're sort of smiling and giggling and then they hear people coming down the hallway, so they sit back down and start pretending to study again.
And Brendon thinks this is awesome, until he actually gets back to the house, and Ryan and Spencer and Jon are sitting around talking about their girlfriends, or maybe the girls are there, too, and they start talking about trying to set Brendon up with someone--Greta, perhaps? And Brendon sort of freaks, because of course he's expected to have a girlfriend. That's what frat boys do.
And Brendon starts feeling awkward around Cash again, because he doesn't know how to tell his guys, doesn't know how they'll take it, and what if they hate him, what if this ruins everything that he's built with his house--he's already pretty much lost his parents, not wanting to be Mormon any longer, and if he loses his guys... So. Freak out!
Cash invites him over after their Bio lab the next week, and Brendon stammers some totally lame excuse, which Cash can totally see through, and it breaks Brendon's heart to do it, but the next class, he doesn't sit by Cash anymore. And there's some other frat boy in their lab section--a FIJI, maybe?--and he starts doing his labs with him. And Brendon gets totally depressed, even though he knows he has no right, and sometimes he'll find himself looking around the library for Cash, or walking by his dorm and looking up at the window to Cash's room, and--he's totally broken-hearted.
So, he throws himself into house stuff to distract himself. He volunteers to be in charge of writing the House of the Year application, and he sort of takes that as the call to make sure they're involved in everything, so that they CAN win. So, he heads their Greek Week organizing committee. He makes them participate in other houses philanthropies. The 24 hour dance-a-thon? He is so there! Also, Spring Sing! They're doing Aladdin, how can he not be thinking about it 24 hours a day?
And every time he sees Cash now, he's with a brother, or another Greek person, or maybe Greta, because she's silly and fun to hang out with, and SHE doesn't want to date him--no matter that everyone else seems to want her to--so bonus.
Finally, though, maybe the week before the Spring Sing/House of the Year award giving, Spencer is like, dude. what the hell? What's going on? And Brendon's wound so tightly, and he just wants to TELL somebody, so. He does. He's sitting on Travis' couch (because Spencer's living with Travis this quarter) and his leg is bouncing up and down, and then for a moment he just. stops. and says, "I'm gay. Maybe. I--"
Spencer's not so much surprised. So really, he just says, "And?"
And the whole story comes out. How much of a jerk Brendon's been, and he keeps seeing Cash everywhere, and he MISSES Cash, and the stupid, stupid tattoo of the dollar sign, but he just can't, he can't do this, and Spencer actually looks a little bit peeved then. Which is when he busts out with the 'what do you think Patrick does over at Pete's?' line. At which point Brendon starts blinking and says, Really? And Spencer nods and says that the only reason Brendon didn't see it is because he's been too wrapped up in his own problems, and also throwing himself into the whole single-handedly going to win the house the house of the year award thing.
So Brendon starts to feel a little bit of a flicker of hope.
Then, the next night, he tells Jon and Ryan, because it felt really good to tell Spencer! And Jon and Ryan are his other two best friends in the house, so. Yeah. And Jon's like, well what about that guy you know, Ross. That reporter for the paper who kept, like, oohing and ahhing over Tom's photography? And Brendon realizes that they're thinking about setting him up, and he maybe has to bolt at that point, because seriously. He doesn't quite know what to do with all of this.
And he sees Cash on campus some more, but again he's always with a brother or someone, and he can't seem to get up the courage to talk to him, and Cash is studiously not watching him whenever Brendon glances his way, except that one time Brendon catches him at it, and he tries to smile, but then Cash looks away.
Finally, the night of Sing and Awards comes, and they don't win Sing, they place third, but it's totally okay, because they did really awesome, and they DO win the House of the Year award, and Jon totally drags Brendon up on stage to help him accept it, and none of the guys in FBR can stop smiling. Or bouncing. Brendon bounces all the way back to the house, and he bounces up to his room, and then--he's alone in this room, taking off his costume, and he just sort of stops, because this is everything he's been working for, thought he wanted, but it's really not. So, he pulls on his jeans and a hoodie and he makes his decision. The party's already started out in the hallway, Butcher's breaking out the beer, and music is coming out of so many rooms, and there are girlfriends around and Ray's talking about turning on the disco lights in the basement, and so much is about to happen! And Brendon will pretty much be the man of the hour! But he starts heading downstairs, running into Ryan and Keltie and Spencer and Haley at the front door, and they're like, "Where are you going?" and Brendon just runs out, saying, "Things to do!"
Which is, of course, when he shows up at Cash's door. He hides in the lounge for a few minutes, gathering his courage, but then finally he makes himself knock. At first he thinks Cash isn't going to answer, but then he DOES. Brendon wants to reach out and touch so badly he hurts, but he shoves his hands inside his sweatshirt pocket and says something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry, I fucked up. You shouldn't forgive me, I can't forgive me, and all I know was that I was so fucking scared of losing everything, but I didn't know how much it would hurt to lose you, and I know there's not anything I can say--"
Cash asks something along the lines of, "I heard that you won your award. You should be celebrating--"
But Brendon says, "The only person I wanted to share tonight with is you. If, you know, you wanted to."
Cash is silent for a long time, but then he says, "I was just watching 'Army of Darkness'. You know, if you wanted to come in."
Brendon does. He spends the night.
They don't do anything but talk and sleep, and maybe nuzzle a little when they go to bed, and Brendon sleeps better than he has in quite awhile.
The next day, he totally does the Walk of Shame (tm) back to his house, and Ryan's the only one up, in the dining room, and he raises an eyebrow in Brendon's direction, and says, "So." Brendon just smiles.
The next week, when Brendon's pretty much been spending most every night at Cash's, Jon asks when he gets to meet the boyfriend, and Brendon thinks about it long and hard, and then invites Cash over. Which is when we get to the watching TV in Jon and Brendon's room, with one smacked kiss turning into making out, and then, as I said before, Jon and Cassie come in, and Bill's following behind, and when Jon stops in the doorway, Bill runs into him, and says, "what's the hold up, Walker?" and Jon says, "Brendon's totally making out with his boyfriend." But of course, it's not just Bill out there, it's Travis, too, and he's like, "We finally get to meet the boyfriend? Dude! Urie finally brought his boyfriend over!" Which, of course, draws everyone
out.
Then we get to the wrist rubbing, which Spencer is maybe the only one to notice (because of course he has to come in and try to save Brendon from all of the hovering brothers) and he's met Cash before, so he just starts talking to him. And it's like an impromptu party in Brendon and Jon's room, with people coming in and leaving again, and at some point, maybe after it's down to Spencer and Ryan and Jon (and Cassie and Keltie and Haley?) Brendon rests his head on Cash's shoulder, and later that night, Brendon and Jon give Cash a ride back to the dorms, and Brendon spends the night again. And maybe they don't just sleep.
And then, because I refuse to believe that any of the boys in FBR are not made of awesome, Brendon's walking across campus at some point during the next week, and he sees Cash walking towards him with... someone. Gabe? Ryland? Joe? And they're totally vetting Cash, but Cash is taking it with good grace, and when... I'm thinking Joe... leaves, he says, "See you around!" and he says it like he hopes it will be true. At which point, Cash turns to Brendon and says, "Walk you to class?" and Brendon says, "Sure." Then, halfway across the quad, he reaches out to take Cash's hand.
And so it goes...