FIC: Time - Sean and Elijah
I'm trying to be sure that all my stories are posted here in my LJ and added to my 'Memories' area. I've looked and looked and I can NOT find this story anywhere in my LJ. I thought I posted it here, but perhaps I was mistaken.
If you're seeing it for the first time, enjoy. If you're seeing for the second time.. feel free not to read it. I think it's one of my best. Be warned. There are angst, tears, and he word 'Seanie'.
Title: Time
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@diversesouls.com )
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: It is 10 years since they’ve seen each other. Feedback: I’d appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about
public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions
about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any
person
Author’s notes: Not my usual universe. In this story Sean and Elijah never did get together. It is now 10 years since they’ve seen each other. Is it their time now? Be warned. There is angst, tears, and he word 'Seanie'.
- Time -
Elijah reached for the menu, smiling as graciously as he could manage. Dining in public was always risky. Even waiters in the finest and most expensive restaurants in Paris couldn't always be trusted not to run to the phone and dial the paparazzi. Elijah had eaten here for years and had never had those kind of problems, but tonight was a bit different, and he was unusually quiet and wary.
Armand had been his waiter many times. He knew Elijah's favorite foods, favorite wines, and, far more important to Elijah, he knew Elijah's preference for eating alone and uninterrupted. "Good evening, Mr. Wood." He said quietly. "May I offer my congratulations on a well deserved award?"
Elijah smiled. "Thank you, Armand. The chicken, please."
Armand nodded as if Elijah had just made the wisest of all possible choicest. "May I suggest the Taittinger to accompany?"
Elijah nodded and Armand quietly disappeared. Elijah sighed. The award. It was his second Oscar. The first had been for "The Waiting Years", which had been his very first action movie after. . . he sighed again. After "Lord of the Rings" he forced himself to finish the thought, shaking his head against the surge of pain that accompanied it.
Neither of his two awards meant much to him. This latest one even less than the first. "Longest Eve" had been a best selling romantic novel and, as the leading male actor of his generation, a title that wearied Elijah's ears, he was given first shot at the leading role.
It had been a perfect match. The part of the brooding, melancholy Jack Leward might have been written for him. Leward’s life, with it's heartbreak and loneliness, was a page from Elijah's own book. "No acting required." Elijah thought, and then winced against another storm of pain as he remembered where he had first head that phrase.
Elijah slumped back in his chair and sighed. He was glad to be back in Paris. It had been his home for the past 7 years, and anytime he had to be in Hollywood with it's garishness and painful memories, he was frantic to return. The quiet avenues of Paris suited him now. Hollywood was not only alien, it was frightening. There was always the chance of running into people one would rather not see.
Elijah had felt afraid that he wouldn’t be at the Oscar ceremony and equally afraid that he would. He wasn't there though, and in spite of how much the sight of him would have hurt, Elijah felt his heart ache with sadness. "I wish I could have seen him." He thought. "Just to look at him, even if we didn't speak."
Dom, now a famous Hollywood character actor and equally famous skirt chaser volunteered a bit of news about him. "Well, you know he hasn't acted in a long time. And I'm not sure how well his production company is doing. It's so rare that I see him anymore. Just a card at Christmas with one word scrawled across the bottom. . . 'Sean'."
Elijah listened to Dom's remarks with, what he hoped was, a nonchalant attitude and then quickly changed the subject. It was hard to hear the things Don was saying, but it was pretty much the way things had been even when Elijah still lived here. Sean had very nearly disappeared. And Elijah's heart had broken.
Not seeing him had been bad enough, and the loneliness of not having their relationship in his life still caused Elijah great pain. But the rare times when Elijah HAD seen him were even worse. He'd been kind and gentle, just like always. He even smiled that same sweet smile.
But his eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that Elijah loved, were stricken with a poignant, aching sadness that was horribly painful to behold. And no matter how many times he told you in that gentle voice that he was happy and everything was fine, those eyes screamed out at you that he was lying. It was the main reason Elijah had finally moved to Paris. He simply couldn't bear it anymore.
Nothing was ever going to change. Sean had made that clear a million times. And so Elijah left. He had found peace in Paris, away from the frenzy of LA and the chance having to see those eyes again.
The years had changed many things for Elijah. He was no longer the newcomer child star trying desperately to grasp a place for himself in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was now a well thought of actor who had his pick of choice roles.
He had married once, thinking with the foolish heart of a twenty-three year old, that doing so would heal the ache in his heart. It had lasted one painful year, and Elijah had thanked whatever gods looked over the young and foolish that there had been no children. Since then, he had tried relationships with both men and women, but found happiness nowhere. He dated occasionally, but for the most part had gained a reputation as a quiet, serious loner who preferred his own company.
Elijah ate his dinner slowly and then took a taxi to his home an exclusive Paris suburb. As he paid the driver he turned to look at the black SUV that was heading north past his house. Odd to see an SUV on Paris streets. Elijah smiled, remembering how the California freeways and streets were thick with them.
He entered his house and wandered into the living room. Ignoring the TV, he turned on some music, poured himself a glass of wine, and fell into his cushy recliner with a sigh. He was glad to be home. He could relax here, something that was totally impossible nearly anywhere else.
He glanced up at the mantle above his fireplace and saw the two Oscars sitting side by side. He shook his head and wondered if there wasn't some, less conspicuous, place to put them. He stood up and walked to the mantle. He was reaching for the Oscars when his eye caught sight of a small case sitting at the far end of the mantle. Elijah walked to it and picked it up. Enclosed in a small glass case was a golden ring and chain. Engraved into the ring were words written in a language unknown on this planet.
Elijah stared at the ring. "One ring to rule them all," he said softly "one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." He felt his eyes suddenly burn. "Well," he said quietly you sure worked your magic on me. I've been bound ever since." He sat the case down and grabbed the Oscars.
Wheeling in his living room he looked for some other place to put them. Seeing nothing satisfactory, he wandered into the dining room, then the kitchen. Feeling frustrated, he sat the two awards on top of the refrigerator. Eyeing them in their new home, he laughed. "Good place for you!" he said to the two shiny, gold Oscars. "Right where everyone puts their junk!"
He walked back into the living room, feeling a ridiculous sense of satisfaction about finding the perfect place for his Oscars. He poured himself another glass of wine in celebration and was raising it to his lips when his doorbell rang.
Elijah was rather stunned. He couldn’t remember the last time his doorbell had rung without him knowing exactly who would be ringing it. He walked to the door feeling apprehension growing in his stomach. He pulled it open and looked out onto his stoop.
Sean. . .
. . . stood there staring at him. At least Elijah thought it was Sean. But, no. "Can't be!" Elijah thought, shaking his head. He felt the apprehension in his stomach expand into a huge, aching, swell that began, slowly, painfully, to devour his entire body. His mouth was open in astonishment and disbelief. "Am I dreaming?" he said out loud to the apparition standing on his stoop.
The apparition, apparently, had been given the power of speech. "Well," it said in Sean's voice. "Not unless I am too. And I doubt I would have dreamed a five hour flight."
Elijah did the most insane thing he could have done, but he couldn't help himself. He reached his hand out and touched Sean's chest. He fully expected his hand to go right straight through. Dream people were like that . . . disembodied mist that you could reach right through. But his hand stopped firmly right over Sean's heart.
Sean looked at Elijah's hand and then back up to his face trying, very obviously, not to smile. "Is this what passes for a handshake in Paris?" he asked quietly. "And, are you going to let me in? Or do I have to talk to you from here."
Elijah pulled his hand back. "I'm sorry." He said quickly. "I thought you were a dr. . ." he let the sentence drift off unfinished. "Never mind. I. . . yes.” He heard him self stammering and tried to form at least one coherent sentence. “Do. Come in. Of course. Sorry, Sean." He backed away from the door, watching Sean as he came into the house, still not fully believing it.
He pointed at the living room and Sean wandered in, taking his jacket off as he walked. Elijah walked behind him, stopping at the bar where he lifted the wine bottle in Sean's direction. "Want some?" Sean nodded as he sat down on the couch, and Elijah poured him a glass and carried it to him.
"Thanks." Sean said with a sigh. "I need this, believe me."
Elijah fell back into his chair and stared at Sean with unabashed astonishment. Ten years. He looked for change and found it. Grey hair at his temples, and the lines around his eyes that had always been there were deeper now, and had been joined by others. There was a bit more slack in the handsome jaw. But he was still Sean, even after all the years that had passed. Still Sean. A part of his mind was screaming at him to get away while he still could. Telling him to remember all the years of pain and loneliness and run before it was too late.
But another, gentler part of him was rejoicing that he had been given this one last chance to be with the one he loved, even if all they did was talk.
Elijah watched him lift the wine glass to his lips and nearly winced at the sight of Sean's hands. . . those hands that he loved. They looked the same as always and Elijah felt a disproportionate sense of relief and happiness.
That happiness was a warning though, and Elijah leaned back in his chair, fighting with himself, forcing himself to remember the pain so that he wouldn't get caught up again.
"How's Chris?" Elijah asked quietly. That seemed a safe enough question.
"She's fine I guess." Sean said amiably. "I haven't seen her since Christmas, but she was OK then."
"WHAT?" Elijah spouted?? "What are you saying?"
"We divorced two years ago." Sean said softly. "I rather thought you knew."
"No." Elijah said, wondering why Dom hadn't mentioned it. But then he seldom let Dom talk about Sean. Changed the subject whenever he tried to talk about him. "No, I didn't know. I’m sorry, Sean."
Sean shrugged. "I’m not."
"How are the kids? Are they with Chris?"
"Yeah, they're with her, and they're fine." He smiled at Elijah. "Ally still asks about you. Now that you're a big, hot, star she tells all her friends you used to give her horsy-back rides."
"You got pictures?" Elijah asked him and laughed at the 'are you nuts?" look that Sean gave him. He sat on the floor at Sean's feet and gaped at Sean's daughters, now a teenagers and totally gorgeous!
"Jesus!" Elijah spouted. "They're amazing!" He grinned up at Sean. "You'll be a grandpa before you know it." He laughed and ducked from the fake punch Sean threw at him.
"Shaddup, you." Sean growled, taking his wallet back. "I'm far too young for that." Elijah rolled his eyes and Sean faked looking insulted.
"Hey!" he said with a wink. "None of that age shit!"
Elijah laughed again. That was his line whenever anyone on the 'Lord of the Rings set brought up his age.
"That's three times I've laughed in the last three minutes." Elijah thought. "And I bet I haven't laughed three times in the past three months." He wondered if he should get up and go back to his chair, but it felt good to be this close to Sean so he stayed sitting on the floor at his feet. Stayed were he could touch him. Not that he would. He wouldn't. But. . . he could.
"You surprised to see me?" Sean asked him quietly.
"To say the least." Elijah told him. "I thought you were a dream. Or a ghost. That's why I reached out and touched you. I figured my hand would go right through you."
Sean laughed. "But it didn't."
"Nope." Elijah said. "You must be real."
"A little too real at times." Sean muttered. "Anyway," he said looking down at Elijah, "I had to be here on business and it occurred to me that I hadn't told you congratulations on your Oscar."
"Oh?" Elijah said, trying not to smile. "And which Oscar are you congratulating me for? You never said a word about the first one either."
"You have TWO?" Sean said, mouth open in a fake gasp of surprise. "Wow! I am truly in the presence of greatness."
"Wanker!" Elijah said, grinning at him. "Hey! You want to see them?"
"Sure." Sean said. Elijah stood up and gestured Sean to follow him.
They walked into the kitchen and Elijah pointed at the top of the fridge. Sean stared for a long moment, then turned to look at Elijah. "Perfect." He said soberly, giving Elijah the thumbs-up sign.
After a moment they both burst into spontaneous laughter that lasted a long time. The same old laughter they'd always shared. The moment they started to get control of themselves, Elijah pointed to the top of the fridge and giggled as insanely as he had when he was twenty which caused Sean to crack up all over again.
"The top of the fridge. . . " Sean choked. "The fucking top of the fridge! Oh, Lijah, you are priceless."
It occurred to Elijah in that moment that no one had called him "Lijah" in years. He made it a point to correct anyone who tried. His name was Elijah or Mr. Wood.
The walked back to the living room and Sean sat back on the couch. Elijah eyed the floor at Sean's feet where he had been sitting and leaned toward that direction. Then he hesitated and spun on his heel to sit in his chair instead. Sean gave him a small smile and Elijah felt his heart lurch. He wondered if Sean had noticed his change in direction. He had better find out why Sean was here. Elijah already knew there was going to be a huge emotional price tag attached to this evening. It would take a long time to get over having this kind of contact with Sean.
Elijah looked at him and felt his heart lurch again. The years since they'd last been together hadn't changed a thing. His heart was as bound to the man sitting on his couch as it had always been. He bowed his head, wishing he could just open his eyes and find that Sean had gone or, better yet, not been there at all.
He had felt his heart leap when Sean said he was divorced, but if Elijah still meant anything to him, Sean would have contacted him two years ago when it happened. Nothing spoke more clearly to Sean's indifference than the fact that all this time had passed and Elijah had heard nothing. He sighed.
"What's wrong?" Sean asked him.
Without looking up, Elijah asked: "Sean, why are you here? I know it's not the Oscar."
"Wanted to see you." Sean said quietly.
"I'm surprised to hear it." Elijah said bluntly. "I've been here for a long time. Been in Hollywood now and then. I've never seen you. Never heard from you. Not even when you got divorced."
Sean looked up quickly. Elijah hadn't meant to add this last, but it popped out of his mouth almost against his will.
"Sorry." Elijah said. "I shouldn't have said that. About the divorce. Guess there was no real reason for me to hear from you then."
"Wasn't there?" Sean said softly.
"Well WAS there?" Elijah spouted. "Jeez, Sean. Just answer my question."
"I did." Sean said. "I said I wanted to see you. And ever since I said that, you've been diatribing at me."
"Diatribing?" Elijah said. "That's not a word."
Sean grinned. "Yattering then."
"That's not a word either."
"Oh my god!" Sean half yelled. "OK! You've been talking non stop. How's that?" He said with a grin.
Elijah's head was still down, and Sean felt frustrated, just as he always had when he couldn't see Elijah's eyes.
"Lij?" Sean said softly. "Please look at me."
Elijah raised his head and Sean smiled, piercing Elijah's heart.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" Elijah yelled. Sean winced and Elijah instantly hated himself. "Oh god, Sean. I'm sorry. I'm just. . ."
"You're just what?" Sean asked him. "And for the third time, I’m here because I wanted to see you."
"OK." Elijah said with a sigh. "Stage two then. WHY did you want to see me?"
"Well, that takes more explaining." He settled against the couch and looked at Elijah. "Lij," he said softly. "Does my being here upset you?"
Elijah glanced up at him. "Well, fuck YES it upsets me!" Elijah cried. "Jesus, Sean! Still the same razor sharp, I-have-more-college-degrees-than-anyone-else-on-earth, mind, huh."
Sean lowered his head. "I'm sorry." Then he looked up at Elijah quickly. "I’m sorry you're upset, and I'll try to make you NOT be upset with me if you'll let me. But I’m not sorry I’m here. I'm not sorry I'm sitting here four feet away from you. No. Not sorry about that at all."
“He’ll make me not upset if I let him?” Elijah thought. “He’s not sorry he’s sitting here? Jesus! What does all that mean?” He was afraid to ask. The wave of anxiety and if he were honest enough to admit it, longing… that flowed over him from the moment he first saw Sean on his stoop had not diminished. Had, in face, become more pronounced. More painful. More demanding. He sighed.
"Why did you want to see me, Sean?" Elijah asked again.
Sean sighed. "I wanted to see you because it had been too long since we'd been together."
"Only ten years." Elijah said. "Hardly worth mentioning."
"Not quite ten years." Sean told him. "Nine years, 7 months, and an odd number of days."
"You keep track?" Elijah asked him, astonished.
"I made the numbers up." Sean said quietly. "But I sure impressed the hell out of you for a second."
"Then why tell me you made it up?"
Sean shrugged.
"This is all bullshit!" Elijah yelped. "You don't have any reason for being here at all. You're making all this up as you go along."
"Yes." Sean said. "I am. But I'd hoped you wouldn't notice."
Elijah glared at him. "I ought to throw you out of here right now. After everything I've been through you sit here and play games with me after a ten year separation?"
"Lij," Sean nearly whispered. "I am NOT playing games. I’m making things up so you'll let me go on sitting here. I know I’m babbling, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to go on sitting here with you."
Elijah felt tears burn in his eyes. "Then why in the hell don't you just SAY that?" he said in a shaky voice.
"I'm sorry." Sean said. He sighed and looked at Elijah, an expression in his eyes that almost pleaded with him. "Please, Lij. I told you the only reason I’m here. I wanted to see you. And now, I want to sit here and go on seeing you."
Elijah was trying hard not to tear up. He glanced at Sean's hands. "Why are your hands shaking?" He held his own hands up. "Why are mine?" He shook his head and sighed. "Jesus, I'm a fool. I should never have let you into the house."
Sean looked at him, a dawning awareness filling first his heart, and then his face. He smiled at Elijah, tentatively at first, and then more broadly. Elijah tried not to look, but did. “When he smiles. . . “ Elijah thought, his breath catching softly in his throat. The glow on that beautiful open face when he smiled so happily was impossible to resist. He had to smile back at him. Just had to.
Sean’s eyes were wide and wondering. "You mean. . . " Sean said hesitantly. ". . . that you might still. . . like me?"
Elijah shrugged. "Could be." He said quietly. "But I’m not sure it matters much. If you liked ME, you would have contacted me when you got divorced." He looked into Sean's eyes, which had opened incredibly wide. He looked surprised, and completely baffled.
Sean brought his hands up to his face, fingers pressed against his forehead as though he had a headache, then he lowered them and looked at Elijah again. "Dom. . ." he said in a very shaky voice. "Dom said you didn't want to hear anything about me. Made him shut up whenever he mentioned me. I. . . I. . . didn't think you cared anymore."
His hand jerked toward Elijah, very hesitantly as though he wanted to touch him, then dropped to his side. "God.” He said in a rough whisper. “Believe me. If I'd thought in any way that you would have cared about knowing. . . " he let the sentence trail off.
Elijah felt as though his heart was breaking all over again. More wasted years.
"Well, for what it's worth to you, I would have cared." He looked at Sean who was staring with eyes that seemed to marvel at him. "Still 'like' you?" Elijah said dryly, repeating Sean's words.
Sean eyed him for a long moment then lowered his gaze. "What did you want me to say, Lij?"
Elijah shrugged. Did he dare to answer that question? He glanced at Sean whose face had started to light up with that gorgeous smile again. He looked so adorable that Elijah had to laugh.
Sean looked puzzled. "What did I do?" he asked.
Elijah shook his head. "You smiled." He told him. Then he lowered his head, shaking it slowly. "Jesus. I am so fucking. . . " he hesitated, then stopped.
"You're so fucking. . . what?" Sean asked quietly. "What's wrong, Lij?"
Elijah thought for a moment and then looked him dead in the eye. "You walked in the door and you're here three minutes and I laughed three times." He shook his head. "Before that? Hell, I bet I hadn't laughed three times in three months."
"Why?" Sean asked him, he was biting his lip and leaning forward on the couch.
"What the fuck do you think?" Elijah said suddenly, voice breaking.
'Jesus Christ, Sean." He suddenly stood up and began to pace, trying desperately not to cry. He stopped in front of the mantle, staring at the glass case and the ring. "Someone said to me the other day that I was a melancholy guy. And I thought back to when I started " Lord of the Rings' and the way I was then." His voice was soft and filled with sadness. He wheeled and looked at Sean. "You remember how I was then?"
Sean nodded.
"I was young and full of life." Elijah said. "Laughed all the time. Irreverent, crazy, everything was fun. You'd try to get me to slow down. Not be so nuts. And I'd all the time be trying to get you to be more adventuresome." He looked down at Sean. "Remember?"
Sean nodded and smiled at him. "Very well. I kept trying to take you under my wing, and you wanted no part of it."
"I liked it." Elijah said slowly. "I liked it when you were protective of me."
Sean smiled at him again.
"And now?" Elijah said, staring into Sean's eyes. "I’m a melancholy guy. A melancholy guy who never laughs."
Sean's smile disappeared.
"And you know what? Tonight I figured out why I don't laugh anymore." He took a deep breath. "You want to hear why?"
Sean sighed. "Probably not." He said calmly. "But tell me anyway."
"Because," Elijah said staring into his eyes, "it's hard to laugh when you don't have a heart."
Sean lowered his head and for a long moment there was total silence. "I know how you feel." He finally said. "And it's funny. Toward the end, Chris used to say to me all the time: 'Why don't you just go to him, Sean. It's where your heart is anyway!'
Elijah drew a shaky breath and turned to face the mantle. "Fair trade." He murmured under his breath.
Sean looked at him silently.
"You took my fucking heart, Sean." he said softly. "How the fuck can I laugh when I have. . . no. . . heart?" As he said the last three words he felt himself dissolving into tears and suddenly didn't care. "Fuck it!" Elijah thought. "Let him see how I feel."
Sean was off the couch in one beat of his heart and before the next beat had gathered Elijah into his arms. "Oh god, baby. Don't. Don't cry."
Elijah wrapped his arms around Sean's neck and buried his face against Sean's chest. He was absolutely drowning in the sensation of Sean's arms around him. Everything he had ever loved about being in his arms engulfed him in a tidal wave of emotion. The feeling of safety, of security, of love and caring, of being protected and cherished. Feelings he hadn't experienced in years were overwhelming him.
"Sean." Elijah half moaned. "Seanie."
He heard Sean's breath catch in his throat at the sound of the pet nickname that only Elijah was allowed to use. And then, somehow, they were both on the couch, lying on the couch together, and Sean was holding him tight again, and he could feel Sean's whole body against his, just like it used to be.
"Seanie." He whispered, twining his arms around Sean's neck. "Is it possible?" Elijah thought. "Is it possible that this is real and that he's actually holding me?" He inhaled deeply, and nearly laughed out loud with joy. The same scent. Sean. Nothing else quite smelled like Sean. He tightened his arms, pulling Sean even closer. "Seanie." He murmured.
"Mmmm?" Sean murmured, snuggling against Elijah. "You want something, ring boy?" He looked down at Elijah's face against his shoulder. "Because if you don't want something important, kindly don't bother me. I’m reclaiming my heart."
"No." Elijah said. "No. Don't."
Sean looked back down at him.
"Let me keep it."
Sean smiled. "Well," he drawled out as if considering. "I suppose we could make some kind of deal."
Elijah smiled against his sweater. "How about. . . I'll keep yours and you keep mine."
"Fine." Sean said. "Only problem is. . . I don't want my heart to be 3000 miles away from me. So," he said, leaning over Elijah's face. "one of us is going to have to move."
Elijah laughed softly. "Oh? And I suppose it has to be me, huh?"
Sean shook his head. "No. It doesn't." He was silent for a long time, then he turned and looked down into Elijah's eyes. "I’m not wild about living outside the US." He said quietly. "Mainly because of the kids." He reached out his hand and stroked Elijah's hair gently. His voice was soft and halting. "But if you're really telling me that you're willing to give us a chance. . . that you still care about me after all this time. . . if I can. . . could have. . . that. . . miracle. . . I'll move to the fucking moon."
"Is this why you came here?" Elijah asked him. "To find out if I still cared about you? To ask me to come back to you? To give us a chance?"
Sean nodded. "I've been wanting to come here since the divorce." He sighed and shook his head. “Well, before that really, but. . . “ his voice trailed off. He looked past Elijah, his voice suddenly distant and sad. "I did my best. I gave her as much happiness as I could. But we both knew.. both of us. . . that there was only one person I would ever really love. And," he said, turning his head to look down at Elijah. "eventually nothing either of us did was enough to make that. . . not matter."
His fingers moved from Elijah's hair to his brow, then began tracing his face with a gentle touch. "It took me two years to get here because I was just plain scared. Especially after what Dom said."
Elijah reached up and caressed his face in return. "Seanie, I’m so sorry. I said that to Dom because hearing about you was just too painful."
Sean sighed. "Then I saw you on TV the night you accepted your Oscar." He shook his head. "I hadn't seen you in a long time. Won't watch your movies. . . even your old ones. Turn off the TV when they come on. But. . . Oscar night. . . there you were." He winked at Elijah. "And I see that you finally learned how to buy a tux."
"No." Elijah said with a grin. "I just grew into one. I’m not a geeky kid
anymore so I don't look like a confused penguin when I put one on."
Sean smiled down at him. "You were so beautiful that it stopped my heart. And when you did your acceptance speech. . . " he didn’t finish.
"What?" Elijah prompted him. "What?"
"I could see sadness." He said softly. "You smiled, you were happy, but in your eyes. . . that old light was gone. It broke my heart."
Elijah's breath caught in his throat. "I was sad because you weren't there." He said in a choked voice. "I'd been hoping to see you. . . even if all I got to do was look at you."
Sean shook his head. "We're both so stupid." He said in amazement. "Why didn't you just call me and say: 'I want to see you.'?"
Elijah sighed. "Who knows? Scared most likely. Afraid you would say: Go away!"
"Jesus," Sean said, catching his hand and raising it to his lips in a soft kiss. "I would have crawled through broken glass to get to you."
Elijah felt Sean's lips against his fingers and he took a deep, shuddering breath feeling his whole body clench with aching need. "Sean." He breathed.
Sean looked down at him and kissed his fingers again. His eyes had lost that look of bittersweet sadness. Now they were the same beautiful hazel eyes that Elijah had always loved. And they looked down at him with infinite love and tenderness.
"I think," Sean said quietly against Elijah’s fingers, "that if I don't get to kiss you soon, I’m going to go insane."
Elijah gasped and took Sean's face in his hands. He saw an expression akin to fear flicker cross Sean's handsome face, but Elijah didn't hesitate. He drew Sean's face down to his and brushed his lips against Sean's softly. He heard Sean moan and heard the harsh rush of his breath. He was astounded by how much he wanted Sean. Astounded by how instantly and unhesitatingly his mind, body, heart, and soul yearned to pour themselves into him. It might have been yesterday that they had last embraced.
Elijah pulled away a little and looked at him. "I wonder." He said with a smile. "I wonder if I can remember how you like to be kissed."
Sean looked down at him. His eyes transformed from gentle hazel to a deep green as Elijah watched. Eyes the color of emerald. His gaze as he watched Elijah, smoldered with need. Elijah was mesmerized by the look of barely restrained passion on Sean's face. Finally he found his voice.
"You think I can remember?" Elijah whispered, breathless.
Sean bit his lip and shook his head slowly.
"Let's see." Elijah murmured. He pulled Sean's face down to him and gently sipped at Sean's lips with his open mouth. Sean whimpered and his arms quickly went around Elijah pulling him tight against Sean's body.
Elijah kissed him again and again. He covered Sean's mouth with the same soft, slow kisses that had always driven him mad and Sean returned them with a fierce and passionate hunger. "More." He moaned against Elijah's mouth. "Oh, Lijah. Baby. More. Please." Elijah sobbed against him, drinking Sean in with his open mouth, feeling Sean ardently returning his kisses, inhaling his breath, licking his mouth as though he hungered and thirsted for nothing on earth except Elijah's kisses.
Their kisses were a joining of the most achingly painful and compelling intimacy. They were a question asked and an answer given. They both felt overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings. . . of their desire. "Take my soul." Sean whispered against Elijah's mouth. "Please. Take all of me. Don't leave anything. I want to belong to you completely."
Elijah strained his body and mouth closer to Sean. "And you take mine." He begged. His arms around Sean's neck tightened and he pressed his face against Sean's neck, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. Sean's arms around him tightened, crushing Elijah's body against his. For a long moment they clung to each other, both of them struggling for control.
"Baby." Sean said in a choking voice. 'Lij?"
Elijah shook his head, incapable of speaking.
Sean rocked him and shook his head. "Lijah? I feel. . . " he shook his head again.
"What?" Elijah whispered against Sean's neck.
"Scared." Sean whispered back. "So scared."
Elijah stroked his hair. "What are you afraid of, Seanie?" Sean shook his head. "Of us being together again?" Elijah asked.
"Yes. . . no." Sean murmured. He dropped his head to Elijah's shoulder and whimpered. "I don't know. All of it, I guess."
"Yes, no, you don't know?" Elijah teased. "Well, as long as you're sure." He smiled when he heard Sean laugh softly.
Elijah pushed his head up. "I’m just as scared as you are." He said quietly. "But I’m not giving you up again, scared or no scared."
"God, NO!" Sean told him vehemently. "Oh my god, Lijah, are you kidding? I'm never going to let to let you go again. Never."
"And by the way. . ." Elijah said, softly. ". . . I’m going to move back to the US to live with you."
Sean looked at him with his heart in his eyes. "God, baby." He said in a strangled voice.
"Don't get me wrong," Elijah said. "I don't really want to live in LA again. But until the kids are grown, that's where you need to be. And I," he said, stroking Sean's face. ". . . I need to be with you."
"We don’t have to live in LA." Sean told him quietly. "We can live anywhere you like. San Francisco? San Diego? I don't care."
" Where we are doesn't matter." Elijah said with a shrug. "We can figure it out later."
Sean shook his head. "I don't believe this. I drove up here fully expecting that you'd refuse to even speak to me. Took all the courage I had to knock on your door. All these years, I thought you hated me. I thought you would never forgive me." He leaned his head onto Elijah's shoulder and Elijah could feel his body shaking.
He wrapped his arms around Sean's back and held him tight. "It's OK now, you know." Elijah whispered against his hair. "It really is OK now." Sean's arms around his waist tightened in response. He stroked Sean's back and hair, the most profound feeling of bliss coursing through his body. "I've never stopped loving you." Elijah whispered. "Never once since the day I met you."
Sean's head tipped up to look at him with shiny eyes. Elijah smiled at him. "Scary stuff, huh?"
Sean nodded, silently. He lowered his eyes and opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't. He lowered his forehead until it touched Elijah's chest and Elijah kissed the top of his head. "Hey! You're bald up here!" he whooped.
"What?!" Sean said, clearly startled.
"Kidding!" Elijah said with a wink and a grin. He pulled on Sean's thick locks. "You have tons of hair."
"You brat!" Sean laughed. "Scare me to death why don't you!"
"Got you to laugh." Elijah said quietly. "That's what I was after anyway."
"Mmm." Sean murmured, snuggling his head back onto Elijah's shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" he murmured.
"Sure."
"Does this place have a bedroom?"
"Actually, no." Elijah said with a straight face. "I sleep in the kitchen with the Oscars."
Sean looked up at him, biting his lip, and Elijah stood up, pulling on Sean's hand. "Come on." He said gently. "I'll show you."
Sean walked up the stairs behind Elijah, holding the hand that Elijah extended behind him. The first thing he saw when he walked into Elijah's bedroom was a picture of himself sitting on Elijah's dresser. He walked over and picked it up. "Pretty old." Sean commented.
Elijah looked at what he was holding. "Oh. Yeah. It is." He pointed toward his bed. "I have a newer one here." Sean's gaze followed where Elijah was pointing. He saw a picture of himself that had been taken 5 years or so ago. "That's newer?" Sean laughed.
"Newest I have." Elijah said with a shrug.
"Good damn thing." Sean commented, eyeing the picture. "Or you never would have talked to me."
"You've hardly changed at all." Elijah responded with a smile. "Stop fishing for compliments."
Sean scowled at him and sat down on the bed. Elijah sat down on his heels and reached to pull Sean's shoes off. "Don't!" Sean protested. "I'll do that."
Elijah batted his hands away and pulled Sean's shoes off. Then he stood up and reached to pull Sean's sweater off.
"Wait." Sean said, his voice trembling. "Wait, baby."
Elijah stopped and stood where he was, fingers reaching to stroke Sean's hair.
Sean took a deep breath. Then he looked up at Elijah, reaching around his waist to pull him close. "Baby?" he said quietly. "I am scared to death."
Elijah's eyes got wide. "To make love with me?" he asked, incredulous. Sean nodded, his face pointed down toward the floor.
In an instant Elijah was filled with outraged anger. "Jesus!" he spat out! Sean looked up at him quickly, eyes wide and startled.
"Oh, baby." Elijah soothed him. "That wasn't for you. I’m just pissed at what time has done to us." He sighed. "Our lovemaking was perfection. The sweetest lovemaking in my life. Nothing else has ever been able to touch it. Now you feel afraid to touch me or let me touch you and I can't fucking stand it."
"Time didn't do it." Sean said with a sigh. "WE did it." He looked up at Elijah and smiled. "But, I bet we can fix it."
"You think?" Elijah said, smiling back. He looked at Sean for a moment, stroking his hair, then turned and walked to the door. Sean thought he was leaving and his heart sank, but all Elijah did was hit the light switch, throwing the room into darkness.
When he came back to Sean he could barely see him. "OK," Elijah said with a smile. "Just this once, I'll make the sacrifice. You feel less scared now?"
"A bit." Sean admitted. "Guess things are always easier in the dark."
"Mmm" Elijah muttered, hands moving to pull Sean's sweater over his head. "Whatever it takes to get these clothes off you."
He knelt down to grab for the snap of Sean's jeans, but Sean beat him to it. "You take your own clothes off." He said, batting Elijah's hands away.
"Aww." Elijah complained. "You're no fun!" He stripped off his clothes and quickly jumped into the bed, Sean right behind him.
Sean lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling. Elijah leaned over him on one elbow. "You used to like me to undress you." He said in a small, quiet voice.
Sean turned to him with a soft smile. "And I still do." He shook his head and grabbed Elijah's hand. "Baby, I was terrified to knock on your door. Just think of the fear I feel to be in this bed with you."
"YOU?" Elijah scoffed. "The best lover on Earth?" he gave Sean a look of disbelief.
"That was a long time ago." Sean said lowering his eyes. "I’m so afraid I won't be. . . " he fumbled for a word and couldn't find it. "I'm sorry." He whispered to Elijah.
"You're afraid you won't be as good as you used to be?" Elijah said, raising Sean's hand to his mouth to kiss it.
"Yes." Sean said softly. "Afraid I won't be good at ALL. Afraid of disappointing you. Afraid you'll change your mind. Afraid of so many things I can't count them all."
Elijah clung to his hand, staring at him. Finally he shook his head as if clearing it. "Sean?"
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
Sean's head turned away and Elijah heard his breath catch in his throat. Then, slowly, his head turned back toward Elijah, and he stared into his eyes. "I love you more my life." Sean said softly.
Elijah lowered himself to the pillow in back of him and held his arms out to Sean, pulling on his hand, tugging on his hair. "Show me." He whispered. "Come to me, Seanie. Show me that you love me. Show me with your hands. With your body. With your kisses. Just love me, Sean. Love me."
Sean gathered him into his arms. He inhaled sharply as he felt Elijah's naked body pressing against his. Every fiber of his being melted with white-hot need, and he moaned deep in his throat. Raising his head, Sean looked into the impossibly blue eyes that had captivated his soul so many years ago. There were lines around them now that hadn't been there before. And a deeper, wiser essence glowed within them. The body he loved had changed too. It wasn't a boy's body anymore, it was a man's. Yet, so much still Elijah that Sean was nearly delirious with joy.
He lowered his head and hungrily kissed the lips that he still adored. Elijah's mouth opened underneath his and Sean felt Elijah's tongue teasingly stroking his lips, lapping at him.
Sean raised his head and looked down again. Elijah was smiling at him. "Getting easier?" he asked with a wink.
"Brat." Sean muttered, capturing Elijah's lips again, moaning into his mouth with undisguised hunger.
They kissed each other for a long, long time. Soft, wet, lingering kisses, interspersed with murmured words of love and promises for their future. Tiny baby kisses, sipped from each other's lips on the way to or from other parts of their bodies that longed for the comfort and reassurance that only the beloved's lips can give. Deep, hot, fiery kisses, taking their breath and their will away. Leaving them with nothing except their yearning for each other.
Sean moaned and pulled Elijah underneath his body, loving the ragged gasps of his breath and upward thrust of his hips. He felt his cock pressing hard against Elijah's body. Felt Elijah's throbbing erection pressed just as hard against Sean. He leaned up on one arm and swept his hand from Elijah's throat, down his body, to as far down his leg as Sean could reach. His fingers touched Elijah softly, gently and he whimpered helplessly when he heard Elijah loudly moan his name and saw his body buck upwards toward Sean's exploring fingers.
Sean gently caressed a nipple and again, Elijah's strangled voice moaned Sean's name and his body arched upward, reaching desperately for Sean's touch. Sean stroked Elijah's cock, feeling it throb with desire every time his mouth leaned down to kiss and lick Elijah's body.
"Sean. Sean." Elijah gasped. "Oh god, my Seanie. Please, please, please. I can't stand anymore." There were no words that could have described the longing in his body. He felt like wanton. Open legs, open arms, open mouth. He wrapped his legs around Sean's body, clinging to him. His head thrashed from side to side, teeth clenched. "Sean." he gasped. "God. Oh god. Oh god. Sean. Sean. Sean." His legs and arms crushed Sean's body against his, while his mouth claimed Sean's in an open hungry kiss. His body moved against Sean's with anguished thrusts. Writhing against him, beseeching Sean with his whole body to please…
". . . please, please. I need to come. Oh Sean. I need to. I need. I NEED!" Sean's groan was nearly a scream, He grasped Elijah's hips to pull their bodies even tighter together. His own body moved wildly against Elijah's begging him to. . . "Come! Oh baby.. Lijah.. Li.. ja.. please… come… now.. oh god.." His body thrashed wildly on top of Elijah's, grinding their cocks together with hot and frenzied thrusts.
With a cry of release, Elijah felt his body spasm with explosions of pleasure so intense his head spun and white hot lights flashed in front of his eyes. He felt Sean shudder against him, hearing him sobbing helplessly, crying Elijah's name again and again.
Sean's body convulsed, pressing against Elijah's in unspeakable ecstasy. Shuddering violently, he turned to his side and pulled Elijah into his arms, holding him so tight he was afraid Elijah couldn't breathe.
Elijah, shuddering in breaths of gasping completion, buried his head against Sean's chest. "Oh. Oh." He half-sobbed. Sean's hands were gentling his back, soothing his hair. "Oh thank god. Thank god." Elijah said, feeling his eyes fill with tears.
The full weight of all the sad and lonely years descended on Elijah, and he wound his arms around Sean's neck and burst into tears, clinging to him desperately. "Thank god." He sobbed. "Oh thank god."
Sean tried to speak, but couldn't. His throat ached unbearably, but he tried not to cry. He wanted to comfort Elijah, not fall apart himself.
Elijah looked up at him with a tear streaked face. "Sam." he moaned. "Oh Sam, you've come back to me."
Sean burst into tears and crushed Elijah against him. "Shhh." He whispered, still sobbing. "Oh baby. Don't. Please. I can't bear it."
Elijah captured Sean's face in his hands. "Sam." He breathed, and pulled Sean's face down into his kiss. Sean gasped again and again, trying to control his sobs and failing. The sound of Elijah saying Sam's name was devastating. A wrenching symbol of everything he loved and everything he'd lost.
Elijah pulled Sean's head onto his shoulder and cradled him. “Beloved." He whispered. "Sam. Sam. God, I adore you." He kissed the tears from Sean's face, and rocked him gently.
Sean cried against his shoulder for a long time. Finally his sobs quieted and he felt Elijah's lips on his face, kissing his tears away. He took a deep shuddering breath. "I haven't cried in. . . " Sean thought for a moment. ". . . 10 years." He whispered, in a voice that was still harsh with unshed tears. "But hearing you call me 'Sam." He shook his head and felt his throat tighten again.
"You still worried that you've forgotten how to make love to me?" Elijah teased, hoping to lighten Sean's mood.
He felt, and then heard, Sean laugh softly. "Guess it came back to me, huh?" he murmured to Elijah. "Didn't seem like we did half bad."
"Oh," Elijah said with fake nonchalance. "It was OK."
Sean laughed again and pulled him close, snuggling Elijah against his body. Nuzzling his throat, kissing his face. Feeling as though he could never get enough.
"Tomorrow," Elijah told him "we have to put this house up for sale and get TWO tickets back to LA."
"No." Sean said. "I've got two weeks. Let's just hole up here and. . . uh. . . "
"Get reacquainted?" Elijah said coyly.
"Uh.. yeah." Sean murmured. "Get reacquainted. That's what they call it in Paris, huh? Hmm. Me, I was going to say 'let's just hole up here for two weeks and fuck like ferrets'."
Elijah laughed softly. "Oooo!" he sighed. "I love a man with a plan." He couldn't believe how happy he felt. Later, he and Sean would talk, and make plans. They'd catch up. They'd make love again.. and hopefully, again. Elijah knew that every career plan he'd made was now on indefinite hold. His career for the next year or so was being with Sean. Making up for time lost. Making memories to last for all the time they had left. Cherishing their time together. Using their time together to cherish each other.
Time was on their side now. And Elijah would never allow them to waste one more second. Every second with him.. with HIM.. was precious. It was their time now. Their time.
- end -
If you're seeing it for the first time, enjoy. If you're seeing for the second time.. feel free not to read it. I think it's one of my best. Be warned. There are angst, tears, and he word 'Seanie'.
Title: Time
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@diversesouls.com )
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: It is 10 years since they’ve seen each other. Feedback: I’d appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about
public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions
about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any
person
Author’s notes: Not my usual universe. In this story Sean and Elijah never did get together. It is now 10 years since they’ve seen each other. Is it their time now? Be warned. There is angst, tears, and he word 'Seanie'.
- Time -
Elijah reached for the menu, smiling as graciously as he could manage. Dining in public was always risky. Even waiters in the finest and most expensive restaurants in Paris couldn't always be trusted not to run to the phone and dial the paparazzi. Elijah had eaten here for years and had never had those kind of problems, but tonight was a bit different, and he was unusually quiet and wary.
Armand had been his waiter many times. He knew Elijah's favorite foods, favorite wines, and, far more important to Elijah, he knew Elijah's preference for eating alone and uninterrupted. "Good evening, Mr. Wood." He said quietly. "May I offer my congratulations on a well deserved award?"
Elijah smiled. "Thank you, Armand. The chicken, please."
Armand nodded as if Elijah had just made the wisest of all possible choicest. "May I suggest the Taittinger to accompany?"
Elijah nodded and Armand quietly disappeared. Elijah sighed. The award. It was his second Oscar. The first had been for "The Waiting Years", which had been his very first action movie after. . . he sighed again. After "Lord of the Rings" he forced himself to finish the thought, shaking his head against the surge of pain that accompanied it.
Neither of his two awards meant much to him. This latest one even less than the first. "Longest Eve" had been a best selling romantic novel and, as the leading male actor of his generation, a title that wearied Elijah's ears, he was given first shot at the leading role.
It had been a perfect match. The part of the brooding, melancholy Jack Leward might have been written for him. Leward’s life, with it's heartbreak and loneliness, was a page from Elijah's own book. "No acting required." Elijah thought, and then winced against another storm of pain as he remembered where he had first head that phrase.
Elijah slumped back in his chair and sighed. He was glad to be back in Paris. It had been his home for the past 7 years, and anytime he had to be in Hollywood with it's garishness and painful memories, he was frantic to return. The quiet avenues of Paris suited him now. Hollywood was not only alien, it was frightening. There was always the chance of running into people one would rather not see.
Elijah had felt afraid that he wouldn’t be at the Oscar ceremony and equally afraid that he would. He wasn't there though, and in spite of how much the sight of him would have hurt, Elijah felt his heart ache with sadness. "I wish I could have seen him." He thought. "Just to look at him, even if we didn't speak."
Dom, now a famous Hollywood character actor and equally famous skirt chaser volunteered a bit of news about him. "Well, you know he hasn't acted in a long time. And I'm not sure how well his production company is doing. It's so rare that I see him anymore. Just a card at Christmas with one word scrawled across the bottom. . . 'Sean'."
Elijah listened to Dom's remarks with, what he hoped was, a nonchalant attitude and then quickly changed the subject. It was hard to hear the things Don was saying, but it was pretty much the way things had been even when Elijah still lived here. Sean had very nearly disappeared. And Elijah's heart had broken.
Not seeing him had been bad enough, and the loneliness of not having their relationship in his life still caused Elijah great pain. But the rare times when Elijah HAD seen him were even worse. He'd been kind and gentle, just like always. He even smiled that same sweet smile.
But his eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that Elijah loved, were stricken with a poignant, aching sadness that was horribly painful to behold. And no matter how many times he told you in that gentle voice that he was happy and everything was fine, those eyes screamed out at you that he was lying. It was the main reason Elijah had finally moved to Paris. He simply couldn't bear it anymore.
Nothing was ever going to change. Sean had made that clear a million times. And so Elijah left. He had found peace in Paris, away from the frenzy of LA and the chance having to see those eyes again.
The years had changed many things for Elijah. He was no longer the newcomer child star trying desperately to grasp a place for himself in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was now a well thought of actor who had his pick of choice roles.
He had married once, thinking with the foolish heart of a twenty-three year old, that doing so would heal the ache in his heart. It had lasted one painful year, and Elijah had thanked whatever gods looked over the young and foolish that there had been no children. Since then, he had tried relationships with both men and women, but found happiness nowhere. He dated occasionally, but for the most part had gained a reputation as a quiet, serious loner who preferred his own company.
Elijah ate his dinner slowly and then took a taxi to his home an exclusive Paris suburb. As he paid the driver he turned to look at the black SUV that was heading north past his house. Odd to see an SUV on Paris streets. Elijah smiled, remembering how the California freeways and streets were thick with them.
He entered his house and wandered into the living room. Ignoring the TV, he turned on some music, poured himself a glass of wine, and fell into his cushy recliner with a sigh. He was glad to be home. He could relax here, something that was totally impossible nearly anywhere else.
He glanced up at the mantle above his fireplace and saw the two Oscars sitting side by side. He shook his head and wondered if there wasn't some, less conspicuous, place to put them. He stood up and walked to the mantle. He was reaching for the Oscars when his eye caught sight of a small case sitting at the far end of the mantle. Elijah walked to it and picked it up. Enclosed in a small glass case was a golden ring and chain. Engraved into the ring were words written in a language unknown on this planet.
Elijah stared at the ring. "One ring to rule them all," he said softly "one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." He felt his eyes suddenly burn. "Well," he said quietly you sure worked your magic on me. I've been bound ever since." He sat the case down and grabbed the Oscars.
Wheeling in his living room he looked for some other place to put them. Seeing nothing satisfactory, he wandered into the dining room, then the kitchen. Feeling frustrated, he sat the two awards on top of the refrigerator. Eyeing them in their new home, he laughed. "Good place for you!" he said to the two shiny, gold Oscars. "Right where everyone puts their junk!"
He walked back into the living room, feeling a ridiculous sense of satisfaction about finding the perfect place for his Oscars. He poured himself another glass of wine in celebration and was raising it to his lips when his doorbell rang.
Elijah was rather stunned. He couldn’t remember the last time his doorbell had rung without him knowing exactly who would be ringing it. He walked to the door feeling apprehension growing in his stomach. He pulled it open and looked out onto his stoop.
Sean. . .
. . . stood there staring at him. At least Elijah thought it was Sean. But, no. "Can't be!" Elijah thought, shaking his head. He felt the apprehension in his stomach expand into a huge, aching, swell that began, slowly, painfully, to devour his entire body. His mouth was open in astonishment and disbelief. "Am I dreaming?" he said out loud to the apparition standing on his stoop.
The apparition, apparently, had been given the power of speech. "Well," it said in Sean's voice. "Not unless I am too. And I doubt I would have dreamed a five hour flight."
Elijah did the most insane thing he could have done, but he couldn't help himself. He reached his hand out and touched Sean's chest. He fully expected his hand to go right straight through. Dream people were like that . . . disembodied mist that you could reach right through. But his hand stopped firmly right over Sean's heart.
Sean looked at Elijah's hand and then back up to his face trying, very obviously, not to smile. "Is this what passes for a handshake in Paris?" he asked quietly. "And, are you going to let me in? Or do I have to talk to you from here."
Elijah pulled his hand back. "I'm sorry." He said quickly. "I thought you were a dr. . ." he let the sentence drift off unfinished. "Never mind. I. . . yes.” He heard him self stammering and tried to form at least one coherent sentence. “Do. Come in. Of course. Sorry, Sean." He backed away from the door, watching Sean as he came into the house, still not fully believing it.
He pointed at the living room and Sean wandered in, taking his jacket off as he walked. Elijah walked behind him, stopping at the bar where he lifted the wine bottle in Sean's direction. "Want some?" Sean nodded as he sat down on the couch, and Elijah poured him a glass and carried it to him.
"Thanks." Sean said with a sigh. "I need this, believe me."
Elijah fell back into his chair and stared at Sean with unabashed astonishment. Ten years. He looked for change and found it. Grey hair at his temples, and the lines around his eyes that had always been there were deeper now, and had been joined by others. There was a bit more slack in the handsome jaw. But he was still Sean, even after all the years that had passed. Still Sean. A part of his mind was screaming at him to get away while he still could. Telling him to remember all the years of pain and loneliness and run before it was too late.
But another, gentler part of him was rejoicing that he had been given this one last chance to be with the one he loved, even if all they did was talk.
Elijah watched him lift the wine glass to his lips and nearly winced at the sight of Sean's hands. . . those hands that he loved. They looked the same as always and Elijah felt a disproportionate sense of relief and happiness.
That happiness was a warning though, and Elijah leaned back in his chair, fighting with himself, forcing himself to remember the pain so that he wouldn't get caught up again.
"How's Chris?" Elijah asked quietly. That seemed a safe enough question.
"She's fine I guess." Sean said amiably. "I haven't seen her since Christmas, but she was OK then."
"WHAT?" Elijah spouted?? "What are you saying?"
"We divorced two years ago." Sean said softly. "I rather thought you knew."
"No." Elijah said, wondering why Dom hadn't mentioned it. But then he seldom let Dom talk about Sean. Changed the subject whenever he tried to talk about him. "No, I didn't know. I’m sorry, Sean."
Sean shrugged. "I’m not."
"How are the kids? Are they with Chris?"
"Yeah, they're with her, and they're fine." He smiled at Elijah. "Ally still asks about you. Now that you're a big, hot, star she tells all her friends you used to give her horsy-back rides."
"You got pictures?" Elijah asked him and laughed at the 'are you nuts?" look that Sean gave him. He sat on the floor at Sean's feet and gaped at Sean's daughters, now a teenagers and totally gorgeous!
"Jesus!" Elijah spouted. "They're amazing!" He grinned up at Sean. "You'll be a grandpa before you know it." He laughed and ducked from the fake punch Sean threw at him.
"Shaddup, you." Sean growled, taking his wallet back. "I'm far too young for that." Elijah rolled his eyes and Sean faked looking insulted.
"Hey!" he said with a wink. "None of that age shit!"
Elijah laughed again. That was his line whenever anyone on the 'Lord of the Rings set brought up his age.
"That's three times I've laughed in the last three minutes." Elijah thought. "And I bet I haven't laughed three times in the past three months." He wondered if he should get up and go back to his chair, but it felt good to be this close to Sean so he stayed sitting on the floor at his feet. Stayed were he could touch him. Not that he would. He wouldn't. But. . . he could.
"You surprised to see me?" Sean asked him quietly.
"To say the least." Elijah told him. "I thought you were a dream. Or a ghost. That's why I reached out and touched you. I figured my hand would go right through you."
Sean laughed. "But it didn't."
"Nope." Elijah said. "You must be real."
"A little too real at times." Sean muttered. "Anyway," he said looking down at Elijah, "I had to be here on business and it occurred to me that I hadn't told you congratulations on your Oscar."
"Oh?" Elijah said, trying not to smile. "And which Oscar are you congratulating me for? You never said a word about the first one either."
"You have TWO?" Sean said, mouth open in a fake gasp of surprise. "Wow! I am truly in the presence of greatness."
"Wanker!" Elijah said, grinning at him. "Hey! You want to see them?"
"Sure." Sean said. Elijah stood up and gestured Sean to follow him.
They walked into the kitchen and Elijah pointed at the top of the fridge. Sean stared for a long moment, then turned to look at Elijah. "Perfect." He said soberly, giving Elijah the thumbs-up sign.
After a moment they both burst into spontaneous laughter that lasted a long time. The same old laughter they'd always shared. The moment they started to get control of themselves, Elijah pointed to the top of the fridge and giggled as insanely as he had when he was twenty which caused Sean to crack up all over again.
"The top of the fridge. . . " Sean choked. "The fucking top of the fridge! Oh, Lijah, you are priceless."
It occurred to Elijah in that moment that no one had called him "Lijah" in years. He made it a point to correct anyone who tried. His name was Elijah or Mr. Wood.
The walked back to the living room and Sean sat back on the couch. Elijah eyed the floor at Sean's feet where he had been sitting and leaned toward that direction. Then he hesitated and spun on his heel to sit in his chair instead. Sean gave him a small smile and Elijah felt his heart lurch. He wondered if Sean had noticed his change in direction. He had better find out why Sean was here. Elijah already knew there was going to be a huge emotional price tag attached to this evening. It would take a long time to get over having this kind of contact with Sean.
Elijah looked at him and felt his heart lurch again. The years since they'd last been together hadn't changed a thing. His heart was as bound to the man sitting on his couch as it had always been. He bowed his head, wishing he could just open his eyes and find that Sean had gone or, better yet, not been there at all.
He had felt his heart leap when Sean said he was divorced, but if Elijah still meant anything to him, Sean would have contacted him two years ago when it happened. Nothing spoke more clearly to Sean's indifference than the fact that all this time had passed and Elijah had heard nothing. He sighed.
"What's wrong?" Sean asked him.
Without looking up, Elijah asked: "Sean, why are you here? I know it's not the Oscar."
"Wanted to see you." Sean said quietly.
"I'm surprised to hear it." Elijah said bluntly. "I've been here for a long time. Been in Hollywood now and then. I've never seen you. Never heard from you. Not even when you got divorced."
Sean looked up quickly. Elijah hadn't meant to add this last, but it popped out of his mouth almost against his will.
"Sorry." Elijah said. "I shouldn't have said that. About the divorce. Guess there was no real reason for me to hear from you then."
"Wasn't there?" Sean said softly.
"Well WAS there?" Elijah spouted. "Jeez, Sean. Just answer my question."
"I did." Sean said. "I said I wanted to see you. And ever since I said that, you've been diatribing at me."
"Diatribing?" Elijah said. "That's not a word."
Sean grinned. "Yattering then."
"That's not a word either."
"Oh my god!" Sean half yelled. "OK! You've been talking non stop. How's that?" He said with a grin.
Elijah's head was still down, and Sean felt frustrated, just as he always had when he couldn't see Elijah's eyes.
"Lij?" Sean said softly. "Please look at me."
Elijah raised his head and Sean smiled, piercing Elijah's heart.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" Elijah yelled. Sean winced and Elijah instantly hated himself. "Oh god, Sean. I'm sorry. I'm just. . ."
"You're just what?" Sean asked him. "And for the third time, I’m here because I wanted to see you."
"OK." Elijah said with a sigh. "Stage two then. WHY did you want to see me?"
"Well, that takes more explaining." He settled against the couch and looked at Elijah. "Lij," he said softly. "Does my being here upset you?"
Elijah glanced up at him. "Well, fuck YES it upsets me!" Elijah cried. "Jesus, Sean! Still the same razor sharp, I-have-more-college-degrees-than-anyone-else-on-earth, mind, huh."
Sean lowered his head. "I'm sorry." Then he looked up at Elijah quickly. "I’m sorry you're upset, and I'll try to make you NOT be upset with me if you'll let me. But I’m not sorry I’m here. I'm not sorry I'm sitting here four feet away from you. No. Not sorry about that at all."
“He’ll make me not upset if I let him?” Elijah thought. “He’s not sorry he’s sitting here? Jesus! What does all that mean?” He was afraid to ask. The wave of anxiety and if he were honest enough to admit it, longing… that flowed over him from the moment he first saw Sean on his stoop had not diminished. Had, in face, become more pronounced. More painful. More demanding. He sighed.
"Why did you want to see me, Sean?" Elijah asked again.
Sean sighed. "I wanted to see you because it had been too long since we'd been together."
"Only ten years." Elijah said. "Hardly worth mentioning."
"Not quite ten years." Sean told him. "Nine years, 7 months, and an odd number of days."
"You keep track?" Elijah asked him, astonished.
"I made the numbers up." Sean said quietly. "But I sure impressed the hell out of you for a second."
"Then why tell me you made it up?"
Sean shrugged.
"This is all bullshit!" Elijah yelped. "You don't have any reason for being here at all. You're making all this up as you go along."
"Yes." Sean said. "I am. But I'd hoped you wouldn't notice."
Elijah glared at him. "I ought to throw you out of here right now. After everything I've been through you sit here and play games with me after a ten year separation?"
"Lij," Sean nearly whispered. "I am NOT playing games. I’m making things up so you'll let me go on sitting here. I know I’m babbling, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to go on sitting here with you."
Elijah felt tears burn in his eyes. "Then why in the hell don't you just SAY that?" he said in a shaky voice.
"I'm sorry." Sean said. He sighed and looked at Elijah, an expression in his eyes that almost pleaded with him. "Please, Lij. I told you the only reason I’m here. I wanted to see you. And now, I want to sit here and go on seeing you."
Elijah was trying hard not to tear up. He glanced at Sean's hands. "Why are your hands shaking?" He held his own hands up. "Why are mine?" He shook his head and sighed. "Jesus, I'm a fool. I should never have let you into the house."
Sean looked at him, a dawning awareness filling first his heart, and then his face. He smiled at Elijah, tentatively at first, and then more broadly. Elijah tried not to look, but did. “When he smiles. . . “ Elijah thought, his breath catching softly in his throat. The glow on that beautiful open face when he smiled so happily was impossible to resist. He had to smile back at him. Just had to.
Sean’s eyes were wide and wondering. "You mean. . . " Sean said hesitantly. ". . . that you might still. . . like me?"
Elijah shrugged. "Could be." He said quietly. "But I’m not sure it matters much. If you liked ME, you would have contacted me when you got divorced." He looked into Sean's eyes, which had opened incredibly wide. He looked surprised, and completely baffled.
Sean brought his hands up to his face, fingers pressed against his forehead as though he had a headache, then he lowered them and looked at Elijah again. "Dom. . ." he said in a very shaky voice. "Dom said you didn't want to hear anything about me. Made him shut up whenever he mentioned me. I. . . I. . . didn't think you cared anymore."
His hand jerked toward Elijah, very hesitantly as though he wanted to touch him, then dropped to his side. "God.” He said in a rough whisper. “Believe me. If I'd thought in any way that you would have cared about knowing. . . " he let the sentence trail off.
Elijah felt as though his heart was breaking all over again. More wasted years.
"Well, for what it's worth to you, I would have cared." He looked at Sean who was staring with eyes that seemed to marvel at him. "Still 'like' you?" Elijah said dryly, repeating Sean's words.
Sean eyed him for a long moment then lowered his gaze. "What did you want me to say, Lij?"
Elijah shrugged. Did he dare to answer that question? He glanced at Sean whose face had started to light up with that gorgeous smile again. He looked so adorable that Elijah had to laugh.
Sean looked puzzled. "What did I do?" he asked.
Elijah shook his head. "You smiled." He told him. Then he lowered his head, shaking it slowly. "Jesus. I am so fucking. . . " he hesitated, then stopped.
"You're so fucking. . . what?" Sean asked quietly. "What's wrong, Lij?"
Elijah thought for a moment and then looked him dead in the eye. "You walked in the door and you're here three minutes and I laughed three times." He shook his head. "Before that? Hell, I bet I hadn't laughed three times in three months."
"Why?" Sean asked him, he was biting his lip and leaning forward on the couch.
"What the fuck do you think?" Elijah said suddenly, voice breaking.
'Jesus Christ, Sean." He suddenly stood up and began to pace, trying desperately not to cry. He stopped in front of the mantle, staring at the glass case and the ring. "Someone said to me the other day that I was a melancholy guy. And I thought back to when I started " Lord of the Rings' and the way I was then." His voice was soft and filled with sadness. He wheeled and looked at Sean. "You remember how I was then?"
Sean nodded.
"I was young and full of life." Elijah said. "Laughed all the time. Irreverent, crazy, everything was fun. You'd try to get me to slow down. Not be so nuts. And I'd all the time be trying to get you to be more adventuresome." He looked down at Sean. "Remember?"
Sean nodded and smiled at him. "Very well. I kept trying to take you under my wing, and you wanted no part of it."
"I liked it." Elijah said slowly. "I liked it when you were protective of me."
Sean smiled at him again.
"And now?" Elijah said, staring into Sean's eyes. "I’m a melancholy guy. A melancholy guy who never laughs."
Sean's smile disappeared.
"And you know what? Tonight I figured out why I don't laugh anymore." He took a deep breath. "You want to hear why?"
Sean sighed. "Probably not." He said calmly. "But tell me anyway."
"Because," Elijah said staring into his eyes, "it's hard to laugh when you don't have a heart."
Sean lowered his head and for a long moment there was total silence. "I know how you feel." He finally said. "And it's funny. Toward the end, Chris used to say to me all the time: 'Why don't you just go to him, Sean. It's where your heart is anyway!'
Elijah drew a shaky breath and turned to face the mantle. "Fair trade." He murmured under his breath.
Sean looked at him silently.
"You took my fucking heart, Sean." he said softly. "How the fuck can I laugh when I have. . . no. . . heart?" As he said the last three words he felt himself dissolving into tears and suddenly didn't care. "Fuck it!" Elijah thought. "Let him see how I feel."
Sean was off the couch in one beat of his heart and before the next beat had gathered Elijah into his arms. "Oh god, baby. Don't. Don't cry."
Elijah wrapped his arms around Sean's neck and buried his face against Sean's chest. He was absolutely drowning in the sensation of Sean's arms around him. Everything he had ever loved about being in his arms engulfed him in a tidal wave of emotion. The feeling of safety, of security, of love and caring, of being protected and cherished. Feelings he hadn't experienced in years were overwhelming him.
"Sean." Elijah half moaned. "Seanie."
He heard Sean's breath catch in his throat at the sound of the pet nickname that only Elijah was allowed to use. And then, somehow, they were both on the couch, lying on the couch together, and Sean was holding him tight again, and he could feel Sean's whole body against his, just like it used to be.
"Seanie." He whispered, twining his arms around Sean's neck. "Is it possible?" Elijah thought. "Is it possible that this is real and that he's actually holding me?" He inhaled deeply, and nearly laughed out loud with joy. The same scent. Sean. Nothing else quite smelled like Sean. He tightened his arms, pulling Sean even closer. "Seanie." He murmured.
"Mmmm?" Sean murmured, snuggling against Elijah. "You want something, ring boy?" He looked down at Elijah's face against his shoulder. "Because if you don't want something important, kindly don't bother me. I’m reclaiming my heart."
"No." Elijah said. "No. Don't."
Sean looked back down at him.
"Let me keep it."
Sean smiled. "Well," he drawled out as if considering. "I suppose we could make some kind of deal."
Elijah smiled against his sweater. "How about. . . I'll keep yours and you keep mine."
"Fine." Sean said. "Only problem is. . . I don't want my heart to be 3000 miles away from me. So," he said, leaning over Elijah's face. "one of us is going to have to move."
Elijah laughed softly. "Oh? And I suppose it has to be me, huh?"
Sean shook his head. "No. It doesn't." He was silent for a long time, then he turned and looked down into Elijah's eyes. "I’m not wild about living outside the US." He said quietly. "Mainly because of the kids." He reached out his hand and stroked Elijah's hair gently. His voice was soft and halting. "But if you're really telling me that you're willing to give us a chance. . . that you still care about me after all this time. . . if I can. . . could have. . . that. . . miracle. . . I'll move to the fucking moon."
"Is this why you came here?" Elijah asked him. "To find out if I still cared about you? To ask me to come back to you? To give us a chance?"
Sean nodded. "I've been wanting to come here since the divorce." He sighed and shook his head. “Well, before that really, but. . . “ his voice trailed off. He looked past Elijah, his voice suddenly distant and sad. "I did my best. I gave her as much happiness as I could. But we both knew.. both of us. . . that there was only one person I would ever really love. And," he said, turning his head to look down at Elijah. "eventually nothing either of us did was enough to make that. . . not matter."
His fingers moved from Elijah's hair to his brow, then began tracing his face with a gentle touch. "It took me two years to get here because I was just plain scared. Especially after what Dom said."
Elijah reached up and caressed his face in return. "Seanie, I’m so sorry. I said that to Dom because hearing about you was just too painful."
Sean sighed. "Then I saw you on TV the night you accepted your Oscar." He shook his head. "I hadn't seen you in a long time. Won't watch your movies. . . even your old ones. Turn off the TV when they come on. But. . . Oscar night. . . there you were." He winked at Elijah. "And I see that you finally learned how to buy a tux."
"No." Elijah said with a grin. "I just grew into one. I’m not a geeky kid
anymore so I don't look like a confused penguin when I put one on."
Sean smiled down at him. "You were so beautiful that it stopped my heart. And when you did your acceptance speech. . . " he didn’t finish.
"What?" Elijah prompted him. "What?"
"I could see sadness." He said softly. "You smiled, you were happy, but in your eyes. . . that old light was gone. It broke my heart."
Elijah's breath caught in his throat. "I was sad because you weren't there." He said in a choked voice. "I'd been hoping to see you. . . even if all I got to do was look at you."
Sean shook his head. "We're both so stupid." He said in amazement. "Why didn't you just call me and say: 'I want to see you.'?"
Elijah sighed. "Who knows? Scared most likely. Afraid you would say: Go away!"
"Jesus," Sean said, catching his hand and raising it to his lips in a soft kiss. "I would have crawled through broken glass to get to you."
Elijah felt Sean's lips against his fingers and he took a deep, shuddering breath feeling his whole body clench with aching need. "Sean." He breathed.
Sean looked down at him and kissed his fingers again. His eyes had lost that look of bittersweet sadness. Now they were the same beautiful hazel eyes that Elijah had always loved. And they looked down at him with infinite love and tenderness.
"I think," Sean said quietly against Elijah’s fingers, "that if I don't get to kiss you soon, I’m going to go insane."
Elijah gasped and took Sean's face in his hands. He saw an expression akin to fear flicker cross Sean's handsome face, but Elijah didn't hesitate. He drew Sean's face down to his and brushed his lips against Sean's softly. He heard Sean moan and heard the harsh rush of his breath. He was astounded by how much he wanted Sean. Astounded by how instantly and unhesitatingly his mind, body, heart, and soul yearned to pour themselves into him. It might have been yesterday that they had last embraced.
Elijah pulled away a little and looked at him. "I wonder." He said with a smile. "I wonder if I can remember how you like to be kissed."
Sean looked down at him. His eyes transformed from gentle hazel to a deep green as Elijah watched. Eyes the color of emerald. His gaze as he watched Elijah, smoldered with need. Elijah was mesmerized by the look of barely restrained passion on Sean's face. Finally he found his voice.
"You think I can remember?" Elijah whispered, breathless.
Sean bit his lip and shook his head slowly.
"Let's see." Elijah murmured. He pulled Sean's face down to him and gently sipped at Sean's lips with his open mouth. Sean whimpered and his arms quickly went around Elijah pulling him tight against Sean's body.
Elijah kissed him again and again. He covered Sean's mouth with the same soft, slow kisses that had always driven him mad and Sean returned them with a fierce and passionate hunger. "More." He moaned against Elijah's mouth. "Oh, Lijah. Baby. More. Please." Elijah sobbed against him, drinking Sean in with his open mouth, feeling Sean ardently returning his kisses, inhaling his breath, licking his mouth as though he hungered and thirsted for nothing on earth except Elijah's kisses.
Their kisses were a joining of the most achingly painful and compelling intimacy. They were a question asked and an answer given. They both felt overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings. . . of their desire. "Take my soul." Sean whispered against Elijah's mouth. "Please. Take all of me. Don't leave anything. I want to belong to you completely."
Elijah strained his body and mouth closer to Sean. "And you take mine." He begged. His arms around Sean's neck tightened and he pressed his face against Sean's neck, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. Sean's arms around him tightened, crushing Elijah's body against his. For a long moment they clung to each other, both of them struggling for control.
"Baby." Sean said in a choking voice. 'Lij?"
Elijah shook his head, incapable of speaking.
Sean rocked him and shook his head. "Lijah? I feel. . . " he shook his head again.
"What?" Elijah whispered against Sean's neck.
"Scared." Sean whispered back. "So scared."
Elijah stroked his hair. "What are you afraid of, Seanie?" Sean shook his head. "Of us being together again?" Elijah asked.
"Yes. . . no." Sean murmured. He dropped his head to Elijah's shoulder and whimpered. "I don't know. All of it, I guess."
"Yes, no, you don't know?" Elijah teased. "Well, as long as you're sure." He smiled when he heard Sean laugh softly.
Elijah pushed his head up. "I’m just as scared as you are." He said quietly. "But I’m not giving you up again, scared or no scared."
"God, NO!" Sean told him vehemently. "Oh my god, Lijah, are you kidding? I'm never going to let to let you go again. Never."
"And by the way. . ." Elijah said, softly. ". . . I’m going to move back to the US to live with you."
Sean looked at him with his heart in his eyes. "God, baby." He said in a strangled voice.
"Don't get me wrong," Elijah said. "I don't really want to live in LA again. But until the kids are grown, that's where you need to be. And I," he said, stroking Sean's face. ". . . I need to be with you."
"We don’t have to live in LA." Sean told him quietly. "We can live anywhere you like. San Francisco? San Diego? I don't care."
" Where we are doesn't matter." Elijah said with a shrug. "We can figure it out later."
Sean shook his head. "I don't believe this. I drove up here fully expecting that you'd refuse to even speak to me. Took all the courage I had to knock on your door. All these years, I thought you hated me. I thought you would never forgive me." He leaned his head onto Elijah's shoulder and Elijah could feel his body shaking.
He wrapped his arms around Sean's back and held him tight. "It's OK now, you know." Elijah whispered against his hair. "It really is OK now." Sean's arms around his waist tightened in response. He stroked Sean's back and hair, the most profound feeling of bliss coursing through his body. "I've never stopped loving you." Elijah whispered. "Never once since the day I met you."
Sean's head tipped up to look at him with shiny eyes. Elijah smiled at him. "Scary stuff, huh?"
Sean nodded, silently. He lowered his eyes and opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't. He lowered his forehead until it touched Elijah's chest and Elijah kissed the top of his head. "Hey! You're bald up here!" he whooped.
"What?!" Sean said, clearly startled.
"Kidding!" Elijah said with a wink and a grin. He pulled on Sean's thick locks. "You have tons of hair."
"You brat!" Sean laughed. "Scare me to death why don't you!"
"Got you to laugh." Elijah said quietly. "That's what I was after anyway."
"Mmm." Sean murmured, snuggling his head back onto Elijah's shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" he murmured.
"Sure."
"Does this place have a bedroom?"
"Actually, no." Elijah said with a straight face. "I sleep in the kitchen with the Oscars."
Sean looked up at him, biting his lip, and Elijah stood up, pulling on Sean's hand. "Come on." He said gently. "I'll show you."
Sean walked up the stairs behind Elijah, holding the hand that Elijah extended behind him. The first thing he saw when he walked into Elijah's bedroom was a picture of himself sitting on Elijah's dresser. He walked over and picked it up. "Pretty old." Sean commented.
Elijah looked at what he was holding. "Oh. Yeah. It is." He pointed toward his bed. "I have a newer one here." Sean's gaze followed where Elijah was pointing. He saw a picture of himself that had been taken 5 years or so ago. "That's newer?" Sean laughed.
"Newest I have." Elijah said with a shrug.
"Good damn thing." Sean commented, eyeing the picture. "Or you never would have talked to me."
"You've hardly changed at all." Elijah responded with a smile. "Stop fishing for compliments."
Sean scowled at him and sat down on the bed. Elijah sat down on his heels and reached to pull Sean's shoes off. "Don't!" Sean protested. "I'll do that."
Elijah batted his hands away and pulled Sean's shoes off. Then he stood up and reached to pull Sean's sweater off.
"Wait." Sean said, his voice trembling. "Wait, baby."
Elijah stopped and stood where he was, fingers reaching to stroke Sean's hair.
Sean took a deep breath. Then he looked up at Elijah, reaching around his waist to pull him close. "Baby?" he said quietly. "I am scared to death."
Elijah's eyes got wide. "To make love with me?" he asked, incredulous. Sean nodded, his face pointed down toward the floor.
In an instant Elijah was filled with outraged anger. "Jesus!" he spat out! Sean looked up at him quickly, eyes wide and startled.
"Oh, baby." Elijah soothed him. "That wasn't for you. I’m just pissed at what time has done to us." He sighed. "Our lovemaking was perfection. The sweetest lovemaking in my life. Nothing else has ever been able to touch it. Now you feel afraid to touch me or let me touch you and I can't fucking stand it."
"Time didn't do it." Sean said with a sigh. "WE did it." He looked up at Elijah and smiled. "But, I bet we can fix it."
"You think?" Elijah said, smiling back. He looked at Sean for a moment, stroking his hair, then turned and walked to the door. Sean thought he was leaving and his heart sank, but all Elijah did was hit the light switch, throwing the room into darkness.
When he came back to Sean he could barely see him. "OK," Elijah said with a smile. "Just this once, I'll make the sacrifice. You feel less scared now?"
"A bit." Sean admitted. "Guess things are always easier in the dark."
"Mmm" Elijah muttered, hands moving to pull Sean's sweater over his head. "Whatever it takes to get these clothes off you."
He knelt down to grab for the snap of Sean's jeans, but Sean beat him to it. "You take your own clothes off." He said, batting Elijah's hands away.
"Aww." Elijah complained. "You're no fun!" He stripped off his clothes and quickly jumped into the bed, Sean right behind him.
Sean lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling. Elijah leaned over him on one elbow. "You used to like me to undress you." He said in a small, quiet voice.
Sean turned to him with a soft smile. "And I still do." He shook his head and grabbed Elijah's hand. "Baby, I was terrified to knock on your door. Just think of the fear I feel to be in this bed with you."
"YOU?" Elijah scoffed. "The best lover on Earth?" he gave Sean a look of disbelief.
"That was a long time ago." Sean said lowering his eyes. "I’m so afraid I won't be. . . " he fumbled for a word and couldn't find it. "I'm sorry." He whispered to Elijah.
"You're afraid you won't be as good as you used to be?" Elijah said, raising Sean's hand to his mouth to kiss it.
"Yes." Sean said softly. "Afraid I won't be good at ALL. Afraid of disappointing you. Afraid you'll change your mind. Afraid of so many things I can't count them all."
Elijah clung to his hand, staring at him. Finally he shook his head as if clearing it. "Sean?"
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
Sean's head turned away and Elijah heard his breath catch in his throat. Then, slowly, his head turned back toward Elijah, and he stared into his eyes. "I love you more my life." Sean said softly.
Elijah lowered himself to the pillow in back of him and held his arms out to Sean, pulling on his hand, tugging on his hair. "Show me." He whispered. "Come to me, Seanie. Show me that you love me. Show me with your hands. With your body. With your kisses. Just love me, Sean. Love me."
Sean gathered him into his arms. He inhaled sharply as he felt Elijah's naked body pressing against his. Every fiber of his being melted with white-hot need, and he moaned deep in his throat. Raising his head, Sean looked into the impossibly blue eyes that had captivated his soul so many years ago. There were lines around them now that hadn't been there before. And a deeper, wiser essence glowed within them. The body he loved had changed too. It wasn't a boy's body anymore, it was a man's. Yet, so much still Elijah that Sean was nearly delirious with joy.
He lowered his head and hungrily kissed the lips that he still adored. Elijah's mouth opened underneath his and Sean felt Elijah's tongue teasingly stroking his lips, lapping at him.
Sean raised his head and looked down again. Elijah was smiling at him. "Getting easier?" he asked with a wink.
"Brat." Sean muttered, capturing Elijah's lips again, moaning into his mouth with undisguised hunger.
They kissed each other for a long, long time. Soft, wet, lingering kisses, interspersed with murmured words of love and promises for their future. Tiny baby kisses, sipped from each other's lips on the way to or from other parts of their bodies that longed for the comfort and reassurance that only the beloved's lips can give. Deep, hot, fiery kisses, taking their breath and their will away. Leaving them with nothing except their yearning for each other.
Sean moaned and pulled Elijah underneath his body, loving the ragged gasps of his breath and upward thrust of his hips. He felt his cock pressing hard against Elijah's body. Felt Elijah's throbbing erection pressed just as hard against Sean. He leaned up on one arm and swept his hand from Elijah's throat, down his body, to as far down his leg as Sean could reach. His fingers touched Elijah softly, gently and he whimpered helplessly when he heard Elijah loudly moan his name and saw his body buck upwards toward Sean's exploring fingers.
Sean gently caressed a nipple and again, Elijah's strangled voice moaned Sean's name and his body arched upward, reaching desperately for Sean's touch. Sean stroked Elijah's cock, feeling it throb with desire every time his mouth leaned down to kiss and lick Elijah's body.
"Sean. Sean." Elijah gasped. "Oh god, my Seanie. Please, please, please. I can't stand anymore." There were no words that could have described the longing in his body. He felt like wanton. Open legs, open arms, open mouth. He wrapped his legs around Sean's body, clinging to him. His head thrashed from side to side, teeth clenched. "Sean." he gasped. "God. Oh god. Oh god. Sean. Sean. Sean." His legs and arms crushed Sean's body against his, while his mouth claimed Sean's in an open hungry kiss. His body moved against Sean's with anguished thrusts. Writhing against him, beseeching Sean with his whole body to please…
". . . please, please. I need to come. Oh Sean. I need to. I need. I NEED!" Sean's groan was nearly a scream, He grasped Elijah's hips to pull their bodies even tighter together. His own body moved wildly against Elijah's begging him to. . . "Come! Oh baby.. Lijah.. Li.. ja.. please… come… now.. oh god.." His body thrashed wildly on top of Elijah's, grinding their cocks together with hot and frenzied thrusts.
With a cry of release, Elijah felt his body spasm with explosions of pleasure so intense his head spun and white hot lights flashed in front of his eyes. He felt Sean shudder against him, hearing him sobbing helplessly, crying Elijah's name again and again.
Sean's body convulsed, pressing against Elijah's in unspeakable ecstasy. Shuddering violently, he turned to his side and pulled Elijah into his arms, holding him so tight he was afraid Elijah couldn't breathe.
Elijah, shuddering in breaths of gasping completion, buried his head against Sean's chest. "Oh. Oh." He half-sobbed. Sean's hands were gentling his back, soothing his hair. "Oh thank god. Thank god." Elijah said, feeling his eyes fill with tears.
The full weight of all the sad and lonely years descended on Elijah, and he wound his arms around Sean's neck and burst into tears, clinging to him desperately. "Thank god." He sobbed. "Oh thank god."
Sean tried to speak, but couldn't. His throat ached unbearably, but he tried not to cry. He wanted to comfort Elijah, not fall apart himself.
Elijah looked up at him with a tear streaked face. "Sam." he moaned. "Oh Sam, you've come back to me."
Sean burst into tears and crushed Elijah against him. "Shhh." He whispered, still sobbing. "Oh baby. Don't. Please. I can't bear it."
Elijah captured Sean's face in his hands. "Sam." He breathed, and pulled Sean's face down into his kiss. Sean gasped again and again, trying to control his sobs and failing. The sound of Elijah saying Sam's name was devastating. A wrenching symbol of everything he loved and everything he'd lost.
Elijah pulled Sean's head onto his shoulder and cradled him. “Beloved." He whispered. "Sam. Sam. God, I adore you." He kissed the tears from Sean's face, and rocked him gently.
Sean cried against his shoulder for a long time. Finally his sobs quieted and he felt Elijah's lips on his face, kissing his tears away. He took a deep shuddering breath. "I haven't cried in. . . " Sean thought for a moment. ". . . 10 years." He whispered, in a voice that was still harsh with unshed tears. "But hearing you call me 'Sam." He shook his head and felt his throat tighten again.
"You still worried that you've forgotten how to make love to me?" Elijah teased, hoping to lighten Sean's mood.
He felt, and then heard, Sean laugh softly. "Guess it came back to me, huh?" he murmured to Elijah. "Didn't seem like we did half bad."
"Oh," Elijah said with fake nonchalance. "It was OK."
Sean laughed again and pulled him close, snuggling Elijah against his body. Nuzzling his throat, kissing his face. Feeling as though he could never get enough.
"Tomorrow," Elijah told him "we have to put this house up for sale and get TWO tickets back to LA."
"No." Sean said. "I've got two weeks. Let's just hole up here and. . . uh. . . "
"Get reacquainted?" Elijah said coyly.
"Uh.. yeah." Sean murmured. "Get reacquainted. That's what they call it in Paris, huh? Hmm. Me, I was going to say 'let's just hole up here for two weeks and fuck like ferrets'."
Elijah laughed softly. "Oooo!" he sighed. "I love a man with a plan." He couldn't believe how happy he felt. Later, he and Sean would talk, and make plans. They'd catch up. They'd make love again.. and hopefully, again. Elijah knew that every career plan he'd made was now on indefinite hold. His career for the next year or so was being with Sean. Making up for time lost. Making memories to last for all the time they had left. Cherishing their time together. Using their time together to cherish each other.
Time was on their side now. And Elijah would never allow them to waste one more second. Every second with him.. with HIM.. was precious. It was their time now. Their time.
- end -