FIC: Confessions - by Rakshi and Princess of Geekland - Sean/Elijah - PG
A sequel to 'The Conversation'.
Title: CONFESSIONS
Author: rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net ) and princessofg
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Continuation of 'The Conversation'
Feedback: We'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about
public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions
about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any
person mentioned in this story.
Author's notes: I'm so delighted that my dearest princessofg joined with me to write this sequel to 'The Conversation' '. Yet another story is planned for this series, entitled 'The Reunion'. We both hope you enjoy this joint offering.
Sean walked into the kitchen, his car keys in his hand. He heard laughter, and he followed the sound into their office. Chris was standing in front of the filing cabinet, the phone squeezed between her shoulder and her cheek. She bent over and opened another window on the spreadsheet program that she had up on the computer screen.
“I’ll tell him, Jerry. Thanks again. Bye now.”
She hung up the phone and sat down, reached for the mouse. Sean knew without thinking about it that it was the budget for his Lord of the Rings book project. Even from across the room, the look of the layout Chris had opened was so familiar to him. They had created it together, had worked on all of it together. He inhaled, but he held the sigh in his chest. He walked silently across the rooms thick carpet and put his hands on her shoulders. She jumped as she looked up.
"Baby, I didn’t hear you come in.”
“You were on the phone,” he said, bending down for a kiss.
She smiled and turned back to the screen and started telling him the news from his publisher. He stood there listening, his hands on her shoulders.
“So, to make a long story short, he does think there’s a good chance of a paperback deal, but they just want to wait a couple more weeks until the final sales figures come in from December.” She finished updating the projections as she spoke, then saved her work and put her hands over his, standing and turning around without letting go.
“But tell me about your meeting. Let’s have a glass of wine. The workday is officially over now you’re home, right?”
She smiled again and he managed to smile back. He followed her into the kitchen.
“Where are the kids?” he said.
“This was the weekend my mom wanted to take them to see Pat, remember?”
“Oh, that’s right.” He shook his head. How could he have gotten that confused. But it explained why he had had the nagging certainty since about lunch time that he would tell her tonight, that the time was right, that he should speak. That he must speak. He had been rehearsing lines in the car and trying to control his intense dread.
They poured wine, moved into the sun room, exchanged the updates about his day, his business, her plans. She was starting to talk about what to do for dinner.
“Chris.”
Something in his voice made her pause and frown at him. He waited, not knowing, despite his rehearsing, quite how to start. He was conscious of what he would destroy, regardless of how she reacted. He had to do it. He had to start this even if it meant ruining his life. Elijah’s face came into his mind, vividly, suddenly, and he closed his eyes and exhaled. Integrity. Chris’ frown had faded, and expectancy had joined it on her face. Her eyebrows came up just a little. He tried to rein in his quick mind from creating the shot list of what would happen to her face as she heard what he was about to tell her. He focused on how the sofa arm felt under his fingers, how the red wine was pungent in his nose, how the sunlight was falling through the slats of the blinds. He would remember the sunlight, he thought.
“Chris, I have to talk to you about Elijah.”
“Elijah? Has something happened to him?”
“Well, yes and no.”
“What?”
He took a deep breath. “Chris, this is going to hurt you and I know it and I hate it. But just to get right to the point, I’ve fallen in love with Elijah and when I was in New York with him last week I realized I couldn't go on without telling you.”
Her eyes got wide and she got up and walked over to the doors that led to the pool. She stood there, looking out.
Sean forced himself to continue. “I seem to be totally incapable of lying about this, but maybe that would have been better.”
He saw her back rising and falling quickly, but he knew better than to get up and go over there. He wet his dry mouth with the fragrant wine and waited. He hoped this would be marginally easier than dreading it for a week had been.
“So what are you going to do now, Sean?”
She hadn’t turned around. Her voice was steady but he could hear the tightness in it.
“I don’t quite know. I just know I can’t lie to either of you, or to myself.”
“Well, I can’t really help you decide what to do. And it’s pretty shitty of you to try to get me to brainstorm this one with you, too.”
Yeah, she would be angry first. That’s what he had guessed when he had thought this through on the plane.
“Chris, I am not asking that. Of course that would be unfair. The shittiest thing of it is that the whole damn thing is unfair. It’s just unfair.”
She turned around. “Tell me about it,” she said dryly. She took a swallow of wine and looked at him. He met her eyes steadily. It was the least he could do.
She said, “I knew from the beginning you were crazy about him, but what does Mac call it? A straight crush? That’s what I thought it was. That’s all I thought it was. I thought the movie had made him your new best friend.” She shook her head, looked thoughtful. He supposed she was remembering.
He just sat there, knowing she would parse it all through, fit in the new data, adjust her version of reality. The emotional reaction would come later; maybe not even today. That was the way she was. He waited. He felt the tears gathering in his throat and just sat there with the lump, watching her.
When her eyes met his, he knew she was current again. So he had to tell her what was next.
He said, “I’m not presenting you with some grand plan. This may sound crazy to you, but I don’t even feel like I want a divorce. I don’t know what I want, exactly, but I do know that I had to tell you.”
“You had to confess,” she said bitterly. “You had to give me the chance to be the fucking grownup.”
He closed his eyes against the sting of truth in her words. When he opened them she had turned back to the view of the lawn and the pool and the lush beautiful things that his movies had bought them. He sat there, ready to absorb whatever she had to throw at him next. He deserved it.
Chris said, “Dammit, we had sex that night you came back. Are you putting me at risk for something? Elijah’s actually gay and not just with you, either -- he’s got to be. What were you thinking?”
She turned and stared at him. She was really upset now.
“Chris, we didn’t do anything in New York that would have put you at risk. I promise you that. We haven't slept together.”
She sighed and turned her back again. Her shoulders sagged.
After a minute, she said, “Leave me alone for a while, Sean. I have to think. I have to figure out how I feel about this.”
He got up, but she turned around and said, “Wait a minute. I’m assuming that you told me this mostly because you’re not going to stop it. There would be no reason for you to tell me unless you were planning on doing something. Like ... leaving.”
“Chris, I don’t even know that, really, but I guess, yeah.” He looked down. He had to admit, faced with her and this betrayal that he would, in some ways, never be able to forgive himself for, that there was no way he was going to give up what he had found with Elijah. He didn’t know much about what he wanted at this point, but he found, up against the broken glass of his marriage, that he could not now imagine living without Elijah. He asked himself, again, if he could imagine living without her, and he did not have an answer. He wondered what was wrong with him that he felt only confusion about his wife of thirteen years and only clarity about Elijah Wood.
She said, “You’re going to keep on doing, whatever this is you’ve got with him, no matter what I say.”
He sighed again. This was NOT easier than dreading it. “I am going to try to be totally and completely clear. I am not standing here confessing to something that I have conceptualized as a meaningless crush on a co-star. That is not what I am telling you. The full picture of what I AM telling you... I don’t know what that is, and if I had waited until I knew what it was to tell you about it... I don’t think I could have made myself wait very much longer to tell you about last week. I couldn’t not admit how I feel about him, apparently, and I couldn’t not tell you.”
“Jesus,” she said, turning back to the window. “Figure out what you want, Sean. Ask me for something more than just to accept that my husband is ... is suddenly bisexual and in love with a college kid! Leave me alone, OK?”
He did as she asked. As he entered the hall he could hear her start crying. She shouted at him, “Yeah, and fucking go ahead and call him and tell him I know! I know you will! So go outside and get out your cell and... call... him.” She trailed off into sobs. He put his hand on the wall to steady himself and kept walking. He put his wine on the piano and went outside.
Elijah's cell was number 4 on his speed dial.
"Seanie!"
"Hey, you. Where are you? Can you talk?"
"What is it?" Elijah, of course, heard the pain and fear in his voice immediately.
"Can you talk?"
"Yeah, I'm home. There's no one here."
"Wish I was there, too."
"Baby, what is it?"
"I just talked to Chris."
"Where are YOU?"
"Front yard."
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah. It was ... hard. It was a relief, though."
"Sean."
"Nothing is settled. She was quite upset. I'll keep you posted, OK? But this was right, to do this."
"I love you so much. You have no idea how I've worried about this. In some ways I really wish I had never started this, never pushed you to this."
"No, baby, no. It's so right. You didn't push me to anything. I have to do this. It's time."
Elijah was silent, and they listened to each other on the open line for a few minutes, just waiting. Comforted by the connection.
Elijah said, "I wish you were here right now."
"Me, too. Bye now, baby. I love you."
"I love you, too."
***
Sean spent the first of what would be many nights in the guest room of the their home. With the girls gone for the weekend, the house was very quiet. He stayed up too late surfing channels and wished he were the kind of person who could drink himself to sleep. The dog padded, confused, between Sean's room and the master suite. Chris found him the next morning, drinking coffee by the pool, trying to think.
"I want to make sure I have something straight here," she said, standing there in her bathrobe with her arms crossed.
"Okay," he said carefully.
"You just figured this out, about Elijah, and you haven't slept with him or anything, and you still need to tell me this?"
"That's right."
She stared at him. "What do you want, Sean? What are you doing?"
"I don't know what I'm doing, Chris. But I know..." He took a deep breath. "I know things have to change. I know Elijah has become more important to me than I ever thought possible. I'm sorry."
She stared at him, and he watched the tears fill her eyes.
***
“Hey,” Elijah breathed into the phone.
“Jesus,” Sean half moaned. “You say one word and my stomach takes a nose dive.”
Elijah laughed softly, and Sean could see him, sprawled on his back, shoes off, an ankle resting against one knee, showing just a bit of tongue when he laughed as he always did.
“It does, huh,” Elijah murmured. “That’s sweet, Sean.”
“What the hell is happening to me? I didn’t USED to feel like this when we talked on the phone? Now… I hear your voice and I’m like a 12-year-old girl. Stomach full of butterflies.”
“You complaining? I think that’s a wonderful part of being in love. Those butterflies.”
“You get them too?”
“Well, of course I do!”
“When I call you? When you hear my voice? Really?”
“When I hear your voice. When I see your name on my caller ID. When I think about you sometimes.”
Sean was silent.
“And I’m not like a 12- year-old girl.”
“Elijah, I know that. I just meant…”
“I know what you meant. I’m teasing you.”
Sean sighed.
“So, how was your day?” Elijah queried.
“So-so.”
“Where are you now?”
“On the veranda.”
“Where’s Chris?”
“Upstairs, in what has now become HER room.”
“Can’t say I’m sorry to hear it. So you’ve been banished to the den?”
“I’ve been banished. I don’t think she much cares where I park myself. Actually, I’ve been sleeping in the spare room.”
“Have you two talked?”
“Not since the last time I talked to you.” Sean hesitated. “Oh, we say: ‘Excuse me’. We say: ‘Ally has the dentist. Can you take her?’ We say: ‘I’m going to a meeting.’ But talk? Really talk? No.”
“So nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”
“No. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”
Elijah sighed, and Sean knew he was fidgeting nervously, trying to conceal his annoyance.
“Lij, I’m sorry. I - I just can’t make this happen any faster.”
“Sean, stop. I’m not asking you to.”
“She knows, Lij. She knows now. She’s coming to it a little at a time. I could leave today if I really wanted to. But I don’t.”
“Oh?”
Sean sighed. They’d had this same conversation in varying forms at least 10 times since he’d returned from New York, and the thought of having it again sent ice-water cascading into his stomach, chasing away any suggestion of butterflies… leaving him feeling empty. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere… anywhere there was a flat surface and a dark, dark room… and sleep. He wanted to close his eyes and sink into oblivion.
“Lij…,”
“Never mind, Sean,” he said quietly. “I know.”
“DO you?” Sean queried.
His voice grated into Elijah’s ear, and he knew instantly that Sean was on a ragged edge. His heart expanded with love and pity. “Seanie,” Elijah breathed. “I do know. I’m sorry.”
He could hear Sean breathing into the phone and fell silent. Waiting. Elijah had seen this routine a thousand times. Slow, deep breaths; eyes closed; relaxing on the exhale.
Finally… “I’m sorry too, Lij, truly I am. This is all so damned nuts. Half the time I wish we had just... I mean I really wish we were already…,” He sighed in frustration. “Oh, fuck it! You know what I wish!”
“That we were already lovers so you wouldn’t be thinking about it quite so much?”
Silence.
“Sean?”
“Hang on,” Sean bit off.
His hand moved to cover the phone, but not quickly enough to block Chris’ voice, muffled in the background: ‘… if HE can spare you.. ‘ then silence as Sean hit mute.
Elijah sighed and waited. He didn’t blame her. God knew, he’d feel exactly the same if things were reversed. In fact he doubted he’d demonstrate as much grace under pressure as Chris was managing.
Then, suddenly, Sean was back. “Lij? Gotta go.”
“I know. I heard.”
A whispered: “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry...” grated into Elijah’s ear, and Sean was gone. As he hung up, too, Elijah wondered just who Sean had been talking to.
The phone was all they had, and they clung to it like a lifeline. Daily calls were their only contact, and even that was occasionally denied them. Elijah, of course, rarely called Sean unless specifically instructed to do so. He didn’t want to make a bad situation worse, and was fearful he’d call while Chris was around. Sean wouldn’t taunt Chris by calling Elijah in front of her, and each day, by the time he was free of his schedule and the demands of his household, Elijah was often unavailable.
Sean walked his fragile emotional tightrope with skill born of his determination to do as little harm as possible. He wanted to leave, but refused to rush things, preferring to inch his way toward the door as Chris became more adjusted to the new reality. If he’d had nothing else to contend with, the fact of his shattered marriage would have left Sean heartbroken. But at the same time he was struggling with his feelings of grief and failure, he was also struggling to understand his burgeoning passion for Elijah.
They hadn’t been together since the night in Elijah’s New York apartment when they had first spoken of their love and longing for each other. Nor had they made love. Both of them preferred to wait until Sean was truly free; they already felt guilty enough. But the waiting was becoming a torment.
***
“Hi,” Sean said.
“Hey… how’s it going?”
“I’m so sorry about yesterday, Lij. She wanted to go over some Lava stuff.”
“Jesus, Sean, it’s ok. God, babe…”
Silence.
Elijah went on, “I know this has to be so hard on you. On both of you, as far as that goes.”
Sean nodded, eyes closed, forgetting that Elijah couldn’t see him. Then he stammered into the phone: “I miss you so much. I - I wish…”
“We were together?” Elijah finished.
A quick intake of breath was Elijah’s only answer. “Yeah, buddy,” Elijah half-whispered. “Me too. I’d give a lot to just … just be the way we were the night we -- the night of Lincoln Center.”
Sean nodded again, feeling his chest tighten. Moments like this always took Sean by surprise. He’d never felt emotions this overwhelming. An entire continent separated them, but eyes closed, phone clutched tight in a sweaty palm, Sean was drowning in Elijah’s nearness. His chest constricted with the need to touch him.
“I need to see you!” Sean blurted.
“Then come here! Fly out tonight!”
Elijah heard a ragged sigh.
“I can’t, Lij.”
“Tell me why. Make me understand.”
“Because if I do… if I see you… if I’m alone with you, nothing on Earth would stop me from…” Sean hesitated, then sighed again. He was embarrassed by the longing in his voice until he heard the smile in Elijah’s.
“Making love to me, Sean? Nothing on Earth would keep you from…”
“Yes. You know that’s what I meant. It’s fucking terrifying.”
“Why?” Elijah queried, his voice genuinely confused. “I don’t get that. Why would that scare you?”
“Jesus, Elijah! Because I’ve never done that before. Because I’m afraid I won’t be… good at it. Good enough at it. Good enough for YOU… ohhh, JESUS! This whole conversation…”
“Drives you nuts?” Elijah giggled. Then quickly: “Sean, stop pulling your hair.”
Sean released the handful of hair he’d been clutching. He slowly lowered the phone from his ear and looked at it quizzically, hearing Elijah’s high pitched giggle floating up to him from the earpiece. He raised it again. “How the hell did you…”
“You ALWAYS do that when you’re stressed out, Sean! You do that: ‘Ohhh, Jesus!’, thing then you pull on your own hair.”
Sean shook his head and laughed. “I had no idea I was so fucking predictable.”
The warmth from Elijah’s smile filled his voice. “You still manage to surprise me, Seanie.”
Sean began to sink toward the couch, legs suddenly hollow and unable to hold him. He collapsed there, eyes closed, and sucked in a quick breath. “I’m glad I can still do that now and then.” He tried to ignore his growing arousal. ‘Jesus!’ Sean thought. ‘I’m fucking losing it.’
“Lij,” he breathed. “Lijah, I want -- to see you…”
“I know what you want,” Elijah told him quietly. “I know exactly what you want, Sean. You want the same thing I want.”
Sean pressed his palm against the aching bulge beneath his zipper and moaned softly.
“Sean, listen to me. You and I will do just fine. We don’t need to dive into bed five minutes after you get here. We didn’t dive into bed the last time we were together, did we? I seem to remember that night as being pretty fucking wonderful.”
“It was, wasn’t it,” Sean agreed. He forced his hand away from his rapidly growing erection. ‘That’s not the way,” he thought. ‘That’s not the part of me that really wants him.’ He said, “Lij?”
“Yeah?”
“You ever … you know … do it yourself?”
“You mean get to thinking of you and go whack off in the bathroom or something?”
“Beautifully put,” Sean said with a grin. “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
“It’s tempting,” Elijah admitted. “But, no. I haven’t done that. I want to wait ‘til we’re together.”
“God! See? That’s what I mean! We both think about it and it’s all built up in our minds… and what if I’m not as good as you think I’ll be? What if I freeze or something? What if I can’t… figure out how to please you?” His hand reached for his hair again… then he stopped himself, grinning in spite of his turmoil.
“Sean, stop. If you want to know what pleases me, ask me! I have no motivation for keeping it a secret.”
“What pleases you? What pleases you the most?”
“You want to know NOW?”
“Yes. Now.”
“OK, but just out of curiosity… why now? So you can practice?” He giggled.
“No. But… maybe -- like -- read up on it or something.”
Elijah absolutely screamed with laughter. Sean held the phone back from his ear and stared at it a moment before speaking again. “OK. OK. Enough already.” More delighted laughter filled his ear, along with choked off words that sounded like his name. “Elijah… enough. You’re embarrassing me!”
“Oh, god, that’s the best! Oh fuck, Sean! That is just the best ever!” He laughed again. “Jesus, babe. So typical of you. Go read a book and study-up on technique.”
Sean shrugged, then sighed. “Kinda stupid, huh.”
Elijah’s laugher slowed, then stopped. “I laughed because it was just such a ‘Sean’ thing for you to say. But I am completely touched, and a little thrilled, that you said it.”
Sean snorted derisively.
“I am! I love you for being that kind of person. The kind who’d ask what I want … then do everything in your power to make that happen for me.” Silence. Then softly: “Thank you, Sean. Thank you. I truly love you.”
Sean choked. “Lij…,” He tried to speak but could barely take a breath. After a long moment: “God, Lijah. I -- I love you too. So much it hurts.”
Sean heard a deep sigh. “I know it hurts. This whole thing hurts. Jesus, I didn’t think love could be so much like grief!”
“I’m sorry, Elijah. I truly am. I should have kept my mouth shut in New York until after I’d made this move here at home. But… I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know… I didn’t think… you’d want me. I had to be sure you wanted me.”
“Are you sure now?” Elijah asked softly. “God, I hope you are. With all you’re going through, I want you to know that what’s waiting at the end of all this is going to be worth it.”
“It’ll be worth it. You’re worth anything, Lij. Us together is worth anything. If I couldn’t believe that right now… I’d jump off a bridge.”
Elijah heard the cracks in his voice and knew that the hazel eyes he loved were filling with tears. “It’s OK, Seanie. We’re going to be all right. It’s hard because I want so much to be with you. Feel your arms around me again. It’s hard to wait. So hard.”
“Lij…,” Sean whispered brokenly.
“But I know we’ll make it. I know we can do it. Wait it out... Sean? Sean?”
Sean struggled for control. “Yeah, babe.”
“Talk to me about making love to me. Talk to me about how wonderful it’ll be. Please?”
Sean’s eyes slowly closed. His head fell back against the couch and he felt tears streaming out of the corners of his eyes and across his temples, dampening his hair. The breath he drew was harsh and uneven. “It’ll be wonderful, Elijah. It was wonderful just to hold you in my arms. To feel you that close to me.” He swallowed hard. “I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to hold you that way when we’re both -- when we -- I mean when we’re…”
“Naked?” Elijah whispered.
“Yeah,” Sean breathed. “And to kiss you again. I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful that kiss was, Elijah. I’ve never felt that way before. I didn’t know anyone COULD feel that way. If anyone had told me that they DID feel that way… I wouldn’t have believed them. I would’ve thought they were a delusional romantic.”
Elijah smiled. “But you were wrong.”
“I know. I know I was wrong. But I’ve had no touchstone for this, Elijah. Nothing to compare it to. Nothing in my life prepared me for … that one kiss.” He sat in quiet thought for a long moment and Elijah held his tongue, sensing somehow that this was an important revelation for Sean. Finally Sean spoke again, in a voice soft and dark as black velvet: “I didn’t know such feelings existed until I felt them that night with you.”
“Sean. Babe…,”
“And now… I want to feel them again so badly that I could cry.”
“And you will,” Elijah breathed. “Sean, you will. We BOTH will.”
“There are times when I have to force myself not to just walk up to her and say: ‘I’m leaving. I have to go. I have to go NOW!'”
“No, Sean. Don’t. Please. You’d hate yourself for it. And I don’t want our life together to start with you hating yourself. You have to wait ‘til the time is right.”
“Jesus, I don’t know. Will there EVER be a ‘right time’ to do this?”
“You’ll feel it, Sean. You’ll know.”
“Elijah…”
“No. No, Sean. Don’t do this to yourself. You’ll know when the time is right.”
“Will I?”
“Sean, listen to me.”
“I am, Lij. Honest, I am.”
“Sean… I believe in you.”
Sean choked on his words, eyes swimming again. “God, I love you. I love you so much.”
“I love you too. Never stop.”
“It feels like forever.”
“I know, but it’s not. And it won’t be. Arrange a trip somehow. Even one night. I need it. WE need it.”
“I’ll try, babe.” He lifted his head at the sound of a car engine. I better go, love. She just pulled in the driveway.”
“Call tomorrow?”
“Call later tonight if I can manage it. But tomorrow definitely.”
“Bye. Love you, Sean.”
“Same here, Lij. Always.”
Sean hung up the phone and walked toward the door to meet his wife.
***
Sean's days fell into an uncomfortable new pattern. He felt so separated from Chris, even though they still lived in the same house, did the same routine. Sometimes he would watch her as they drove, or cooked dinner, or went to one of the girls' events. He would think, Where have the last thirteen years of my life gone? Who is this person? How could I have married her? What was I doing?
It began to seem incredible to him that he had devoted so much of his life, his self, to her. Because all he could think about was Elijah.
It seemed to Sean that without much discussion, he and Chris had established that the heart of the marriage had stopped beating. What remained was a shell. He felt that he wanted to give her whatever dignity she needed, and that the next step would be up to her. But he was wrong about that. The next step, as it turned out, was up to him.
***
It was late. Sean couldn't sleep, restless thoughts of Elijah -- his skin, his eyes, his scent -- crowding his mind. He HAD been doing some reading, even with Elijah ribbing him about it. And made some judicious use of the internet, too. He had learned alot about how he and Elijah would make love, would please each other. And it seemed totally inevitable and totally right. Lying in the double bed in the guest room, Sean thought how strange it was -- the truth of what he had told Elijah back in January. That he had slipped so easily into accepting that he could love and desire another man like this. Because it was Elijah, it didn't seem hard at all. Much less of a bridge to cross that one would think -- from straight to ... something else. Sean didn't care if he would be called "gay" now, when people found out. He really didn't care. All he cared about was the truth he had finally been forced to uncover: His all consuming love for a certain beautiful man. He did wonder what would have happened if things had been different; if he had not married so young. But he also knew it was pointless to wonder. He and Elijah's age difference meant that Sean had met him precisely as soon as it was possible for them to be together; how Sean's marriage fit into that destiny, Sean had no idea. He felt humbled and saddened at the wasted years, yet it had to have all happened for a reason. The inevitability of his passion for Elijah was the proof of that, he thought. His only hope now was to emerge from this with as little damage to his daughters as possible. It would happen one step at a time. But happen it would. He and Elijah would be together someday. It was just about the only certainty Sean had.
His evening had been full of work-related socializing. He had had no chance to speak to Elijah all day. He finally got up and left the guest room and wandered outside in his boxers and t-shirt. He carried his cell phone with him out of habit; it was never far from him in case Elijah called or he had a chance to call him. Elijah never called, of course, unless it was arranged ahead of time, but Sean could not shake the eager speculation that he might, he might. So just in case, it was good to have the phone in his hand. It made him feel closer to Elijah, somehow, just to hold on to it.
Thoughts of Elijah, as always, made those 12-year-old-girl butterflies jump in his stomach, made him uneasy in a delicious way that felt like stage fright or indigestion. Sean couldn't remember ever feeling so excited and so happy and so scarily thrilled all at once. When he tried to think back to how he and Chris had gotten together, it didn't even compare. Then, there had been a feeling of getting things right, getting things settled. Satisfaction, and accomplishment. This was a soul-electrifying excitement, a kind of sensual, soulful passion that he had never experienced before. As he had told Elijah, he had not known this kind of passion, this kind of peak experience, was real and not the fantasy of romance novelists. The only things that had ever come close were the birth of his children, holding them in his arms for the first time, and a few special and unique times at work when he felt he had stretched his talent and his capacity into something new and challenging and fine. And of course, Elijah was intimately involved in what he thought of as his best work, as well. Elijah was intimately involved in everything now.
He stood by the pool, watching the moonlight shift and dance on the little ripples that the breeze sent across its dark surface. He felt so close to Elijah at that moment that he almost thought that if he turned his head, Lij would be there in the shadows, right there in Sean's yard. Of course that was impossible, but that's how it felt.
His hand pushed across his stomach, eased lower, closed around his erection. It was a poor substitute for comfort, and with no desire for release. Just thinking about Elijah could make him hard. He stood still, his palm pressing into his crotch, swimming in Elijah's presence. His eyes fell shut. It was late in California, even later in New York, but Sean lifted the cell phone in his other hand, and opened his eyes. It would be all right, he knew. He would call, and somehow knew he wouldn't be waking Elijah. He punched the speed dial, and after two rings he heard the only voice in the universe that he wanted to hear.
"I knew it was you," Elijah said.
Sean thrilled all over again at the sound, the excitement he was already feeling boosted several impossible notches more. He took his hand away from his erection and started pacing around the pool. He couldn't keep still and he didn't want to touch himself anymore. He had a bit more of Elijah now and that was all he wanted. He tried to breathe and to calm down.
"Where are you?" Sean said.
"In a taxi. Going home."
"Listen," Sean said, and marveled at himself for saying it. "I don't want to wait any more. I want to come and see you."
"Sean."
"I -- I -- I know it's a big step but I want it. So much."
"You're saying you know what will happen if we are together in the same time zone again."
"Yes. We'll -- I'll.... Oh, Elijah, I can't stand it anymore. I want to be near you, I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and have you and show you how much I love you. I want to feel you, to touch you. All of you."
"Sean." His voice was a ragged whisper.
"Say it's OK. Say I can come."
"You know I want it. So much. But is it all right? I mean..."
"I know. I know. Yes. It'll have to be, won't it?"
They listened to each other breathing, knowing it was a turning point, but knowing somehow that they had taken this turning long ago, that it perhaps was inevitable before Elijah had ever asked Sean about kissing, before they had ever walked the rocks of Mount Ruapehu together. It went back to that day right there in Los Angeles when they had met for the first time. And, Sean thought, if you believed in the eternal existence of souls, maybe even before that.
Elijah said, "Just tell me, baby. I'll meet you wherever you say."
"I'll get the tickets tomorrow, Elijah. I have to come. I have to come to you."
"I'm here, baby. Waiting for you."
End
Title: CONFESSIONS
Author: rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net ) and princessofg
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Continuation of 'The Conversation'
Feedback: We'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about
public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions
about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any
person mentioned in this story.
Author's notes: I'm so delighted that my dearest princessofg joined with me to write this sequel to 'The Conversation' '. Yet another story is planned for this series, entitled 'The Reunion'. We both hope you enjoy this joint offering.
Sean walked into the kitchen, his car keys in his hand. He heard laughter, and he followed the sound into their office. Chris was standing in front of the filing cabinet, the phone squeezed between her shoulder and her cheek. She bent over and opened another window on the spreadsheet program that she had up on the computer screen.
“I’ll tell him, Jerry. Thanks again. Bye now.”
She hung up the phone and sat down, reached for the mouse. Sean knew without thinking about it that it was the budget for his Lord of the Rings book project. Even from across the room, the look of the layout Chris had opened was so familiar to him. They had created it together, had worked on all of it together. He inhaled, but he held the sigh in his chest. He walked silently across the rooms thick carpet and put his hands on her shoulders. She jumped as she looked up.
"Baby, I didn’t hear you come in.”
“You were on the phone,” he said, bending down for a kiss.
She smiled and turned back to the screen and started telling him the news from his publisher. He stood there listening, his hands on her shoulders.
“So, to make a long story short, he does think there’s a good chance of a paperback deal, but they just want to wait a couple more weeks until the final sales figures come in from December.” She finished updating the projections as she spoke, then saved her work and put her hands over his, standing and turning around without letting go.
“But tell me about your meeting. Let’s have a glass of wine. The workday is officially over now you’re home, right?”
She smiled again and he managed to smile back. He followed her into the kitchen.
“Where are the kids?” he said.
“This was the weekend my mom wanted to take them to see Pat, remember?”
“Oh, that’s right.” He shook his head. How could he have gotten that confused. But it explained why he had had the nagging certainty since about lunch time that he would tell her tonight, that the time was right, that he should speak. That he must speak. He had been rehearsing lines in the car and trying to control his intense dread.
They poured wine, moved into the sun room, exchanged the updates about his day, his business, her plans. She was starting to talk about what to do for dinner.
“Chris.”
Something in his voice made her pause and frown at him. He waited, not knowing, despite his rehearsing, quite how to start. He was conscious of what he would destroy, regardless of how she reacted. He had to do it. He had to start this even if it meant ruining his life. Elijah’s face came into his mind, vividly, suddenly, and he closed his eyes and exhaled. Integrity. Chris’ frown had faded, and expectancy had joined it on her face. Her eyebrows came up just a little. He tried to rein in his quick mind from creating the shot list of what would happen to her face as she heard what he was about to tell her. He focused on how the sofa arm felt under his fingers, how the red wine was pungent in his nose, how the sunlight was falling through the slats of the blinds. He would remember the sunlight, he thought.
“Chris, I have to talk to you about Elijah.”
“Elijah? Has something happened to him?”
“Well, yes and no.”
“What?”
He took a deep breath. “Chris, this is going to hurt you and I know it and I hate it. But just to get right to the point, I’ve fallen in love with Elijah and when I was in New York with him last week I realized I couldn't go on without telling you.”
Her eyes got wide and she got up and walked over to the doors that led to the pool. She stood there, looking out.
Sean forced himself to continue. “I seem to be totally incapable of lying about this, but maybe that would have been better.”
He saw her back rising and falling quickly, but he knew better than to get up and go over there. He wet his dry mouth with the fragrant wine and waited. He hoped this would be marginally easier than dreading it for a week had been.
“So what are you going to do now, Sean?”
She hadn’t turned around. Her voice was steady but he could hear the tightness in it.
“I don’t quite know. I just know I can’t lie to either of you, or to myself.”
“Well, I can’t really help you decide what to do. And it’s pretty shitty of you to try to get me to brainstorm this one with you, too.”
Yeah, she would be angry first. That’s what he had guessed when he had thought this through on the plane.
“Chris, I am not asking that. Of course that would be unfair. The shittiest thing of it is that the whole damn thing is unfair. It’s just unfair.”
She turned around. “Tell me about it,” she said dryly. She took a swallow of wine and looked at him. He met her eyes steadily. It was the least he could do.
She said, “I knew from the beginning you were crazy about him, but what does Mac call it? A straight crush? That’s what I thought it was. That’s all I thought it was. I thought the movie had made him your new best friend.” She shook her head, looked thoughtful. He supposed she was remembering.
He just sat there, knowing she would parse it all through, fit in the new data, adjust her version of reality. The emotional reaction would come later; maybe not even today. That was the way she was. He waited. He felt the tears gathering in his throat and just sat there with the lump, watching her.
When her eyes met his, he knew she was current again. So he had to tell her what was next.
He said, “I’m not presenting you with some grand plan. This may sound crazy to you, but I don’t even feel like I want a divorce. I don’t know what I want, exactly, but I do know that I had to tell you.”
“You had to confess,” she said bitterly. “You had to give me the chance to be the fucking grownup.”
He closed his eyes against the sting of truth in her words. When he opened them she had turned back to the view of the lawn and the pool and the lush beautiful things that his movies had bought them. He sat there, ready to absorb whatever she had to throw at him next. He deserved it.
Chris said, “Dammit, we had sex that night you came back. Are you putting me at risk for something? Elijah’s actually gay and not just with you, either -- he’s got to be. What were you thinking?”
She turned and stared at him. She was really upset now.
“Chris, we didn’t do anything in New York that would have put you at risk. I promise you that. We haven't slept together.”
She sighed and turned her back again. Her shoulders sagged.
After a minute, she said, “Leave me alone for a while, Sean. I have to think. I have to figure out how I feel about this.”
He got up, but she turned around and said, “Wait a minute. I’m assuming that you told me this mostly because you’re not going to stop it. There would be no reason for you to tell me unless you were planning on doing something. Like ... leaving.”
“Chris, I don’t even know that, really, but I guess, yeah.” He looked down. He had to admit, faced with her and this betrayal that he would, in some ways, never be able to forgive himself for, that there was no way he was going to give up what he had found with Elijah. He didn’t know much about what he wanted at this point, but he found, up against the broken glass of his marriage, that he could not now imagine living without Elijah. He asked himself, again, if he could imagine living without her, and he did not have an answer. He wondered what was wrong with him that he felt only confusion about his wife of thirteen years and only clarity about Elijah Wood.
She said, “You’re going to keep on doing, whatever this is you’ve got with him, no matter what I say.”
He sighed again. This was NOT easier than dreading it. “I am going to try to be totally and completely clear. I am not standing here confessing to something that I have conceptualized as a meaningless crush on a co-star. That is not what I am telling you. The full picture of what I AM telling you... I don’t know what that is, and if I had waited until I knew what it was to tell you about it... I don’t think I could have made myself wait very much longer to tell you about last week. I couldn’t not admit how I feel about him, apparently, and I couldn’t not tell you.”
“Jesus,” she said, turning back to the window. “Figure out what you want, Sean. Ask me for something more than just to accept that my husband is ... is suddenly bisexual and in love with a college kid! Leave me alone, OK?”
He did as she asked. As he entered the hall he could hear her start crying. She shouted at him, “Yeah, and fucking go ahead and call him and tell him I know! I know you will! So go outside and get out your cell and... call... him.” She trailed off into sobs. He put his hand on the wall to steady himself and kept walking. He put his wine on the piano and went outside.
Elijah's cell was number 4 on his speed dial.
"Seanie!"
"Hey, you. Where are you? Can you talk?"
"What is it?" Elijah, of course, heard the pain and fear in his voice immediately.
"Can you talk?"
"Yeah, I'm home. There's no one here."
"Wish I was there, too."
"Baby, what is it?"
"I just talked to Chris."
"Where are YOU?"
"Front yard."
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah. It was ... hard. It was a relief, though."
"Sean."
"Nothing is settled. She was quite upset. I'll keep you posted, OK? But this was right, to do this."
"I love you so much. You have no idea how I've worried about this. In some ways I really wish I had never started this, never pushed you to this."
"No, baby, no. It's so right. You didn't push me to anything. I have to do this. It's time."
Elijah was silent, and they listened to each other on the open line for a few minutes, just waiting. Comforted by the connection.
Elijah said, "I wish you were here right now."
"Me, too. Bye now, baby. I love you."
"I love you, too."
***
Sean spent the first of what would be many nights in the guest room of the their home. With the girls gone for the weekend, the house was very quiet. He stayed up too late surfing channels and wished he were the kind of person who could drink himself to sleep. The dog padded, confused, between Sean's room and the master suite. Chris found him the next morning, drinking coffee by the pool, trying to think.
"I want to make sure I have something straight here," she said, standing there in her bathrobe with her arms crossed.
"Okay," he said carefully.
"You just figured this out, about Elijah, and you haven't slept with him or anything, and you still need to tell me this?"
"That's right."
She stared at him. "What do you want, Sean? What are you doing?"
"I don't know what I'm doing, Chris. But I know..." He took a deep breath. "I know things have to change. I know Elijah has become more important to me than I ever thought possible. I'm sorry."
She stared at him, and he watched the tears fill her eyes.
***
“Hey,” Elijah breathed into the phone.
“Jesus,” Sean half moaned. “You say one word and my stomach takes a nose dive.”
Elijah laughed softly, and Sean could see him, sprawled on his back, shoes off, an ankle resting against one knee, showing just a bit of tongue when he laughed as he always did.
“It does, huh,” Elijah murmured. “That’s sweet, Sean.”
“What the hell is happening to me? I didn’t USED to feel like this when we talked on the phone? Now… I hear your voice and I’m like a 12-year-old girl. Stomach full of butterflies.”
“You complaining? I think that’s a wonderful part of being in love. Those butterflies.”
“You get them too?”
“Well, of course I do!”
“When I call you? When you hear my voice? Really?”
“When I hear your voice. When I see your name on my caller ID. When I think about you sometimes.”
Sean was silent.
“And I’m not like a 12- year-old girl.”
“Elijah, I know that. I just meant…”
“I know what you meant. I’m teasing you.”
Sean sighed.
“So, how was your day?” Elijah queried.
“So-so.”
“Where are you now?”
“On the veranda.”
“Where’s Chris?”
“Upstairs, in what has now become HER room.”
“Can’t say I’m sorry to hear it. So you’ve been banished to the den?”
“I’ve been banished. I don’t think she much cares where I park myself. Actually, I’ve been sleeping in the spare room.”
“Have you two talked?”
“Not since the last time I talked to you.” Sean hesitated. “Oh, we say: ‘Excuse me’. We say: ‘Ally has the dentist. Can you take her?’ We say: ‘I’m going to a meeting.’ But talk? Really talk? No.”
“So nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”
“No. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”
Elijah sighed, and Sean knew he was fidgeting nervously, trying to conceal his annoyance.
“Lij, I’m sorry. I - I just can’t make this happen any faster.”
“Sean, stop. I’m not asking you to.”
“She knows, Lij. She knows now. She’s coming to it a little at a time. I could leave today if I really wanted to. But I don’t.”
“Oh?”
Sean sighed. They’d had this same conversation in varying forms at least 10 times since he’d returned from New York, and the thought of having it again sent ice-water cascading into his stomach, chasing away any suggestion of butterflies… leaving him feeling empty. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere… anywhere there was a flat surface and a dark, dark room… and sleep. He wanted to close his eyes and sink into oblivion.
“Lij…,”
“Never mind, Sean,” he said quietly. “I know.”
“DO you?” Sean queried.
His voice grated into Elijah’s ear, and he knew instantly that Sean was on a ragged edge. His heart expanded with love and pity. “Seanie,” Elijah breathed. “I do know. I’m sorry.”
He could hear Sean breathing into the phone and fell silent. Waiting. Elijah had seen this routine a thousand times. Slow, deep breaths; eyes closed; relaxing on the exhale.
Finally… “I’m sorry too, Lij, truly I am. This is all so damned nuts. Half the time I wish we had just... I mean I really wish we were already…,” He sighed in frustration. “Oh, fuck it! You know what I wish!”
“That we were already lovers so you wouldn’t be thinking about it quite so much?”
Silence.
“Sean?”
“Hang on,” Sean bit off.
His hand moved to cover the phone, but not quickly enough to block Chris’ voice, muffled in the background: ‘… if HE can spare you.. ‘ then silence as Sean hit mute.
Elijah sighed and waited. He didn’t blame her. God knew, he’d feel exactly the same if things were reversed. In fact he doubted he’d demonstrate as much grace under pressure as Chris was managing.
Then, suddenly, Sean was back. “Lij? Gotta go.”
“I know. I heard.”
A whispered: “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry...” grated into Elijah’s ear, and Sean was gone. As he hung up, too, Elijah wondered just who Sean had been talking to.
The phone was all they had, and they clung to it like a lifeline. Daily calls were their only contact, and even that was occasionally denied them. Elijah, of course, rarely called Sean unless specifically instructed to do so. He didn’t want to make a bad situation worse, and was fearful he’d call while Chris was around. Sean wouldn’t taunt Chris by calling Elijah in front of her, and each day, by the time he was free of his schedule and the demands of his household, Elijah was often unavailable.
Sean walked his fragile emotional tightrope with skill born of his determination to do as little harm as possible. He wanted to leave, but refused to rush things, preferring to inch his way toward the door as Chris became more adjusted to the new reality. If he’d had nothing else to contend with, the fact of his shattered marriage would have left Sean heartbroken. But at the same time he was struggling with his feelings of grief and failure, he was also struggling to understand his burgeoning passion for Elijah.
They hadn’t been together since the night in Elijah’s New York apartment when they had first spoken of their love and longing for each other. Nor had they made love. Both of them preferred to wait until Sean was truly free; they already felt guilty enough. But the waiting was becoming a torment.
***
“Hi,” Sean said.
“Hey… how’s it going?”
“I’m so sorry about yesterday, Lij. She wanted to go over some Lava stuff.”
“Jesus, Sean, it’s ok. God, babe…”
Silence.
Elijah went on, “I know this has to be so hard on you. On both of you, as far as that goes.”
Sean nodded, eyes closed, forgetting that Elijah couldn’t see him. Then he stammered into the phone: “I miss you so much. I - I wish…”
“We were together?” Elijah finished.
A quick intake of breath was Elijah’s only answer. “Yeah, buddy,” Elijah half-whispered. “Me too. I’d give a lot to just … just be the way we were the night we -- the night of Lincoln Center.”
Sean nodded again, feeling his chest tighten. Moments like this always took Sean by surprise. He’d never felt emotions this overwhelming. An entire continent separated them, but eyes closed, phone clutched tight in a sweaty palm, Sean was drowning in Elijah’s nearness. His chest constricted with the need to touch him.
“I need to see you!” Sean blurted.
“Then come here! Fly out tonight!”
Elijah heard a ragged sigh.
“I can’t, Lij.”
“Tell me why. Make me understand.”
“Because if I do… if I see you… if I’m alone with you, nothing on Earth would stop me from…” Sean hesitated, then sighed again. He was embarrassed by the longing in his voice until he heard the smile in Elijah’s.
“Making love to me, Sean? Nothing on Earth would keep you from…”
“Yes. You know that’s what I meant. It’s fucking terrifying.”
“Why?” Elijah queried, his voice genuinely confused. “I don’t get that. Why would that scare you?”
“Jesus, Elijah! Because I’ve never done that before. Because I’m afraid I won’t be… good at it. Good enough at it. Good enough for YOU… ohhh, JESUS! This whole conversation…”
“Drives you nuts?” Elijah giggled. Then quickly: “Sean, stop pulling your hair.”
Sean released the handful of hair he’d been clutching. He slowly lowered the phone from his ear and looked at it quizzically, hearing Elijah’s high pitched giggle floating up to him from the earpiece. He raised it again. “How the hell did you…”
“You ALWAYS do that when you’re stressed out, Sean! You do that: ‘Ohhh, Jesus!’, thing then you pull on your own hair.”
Sean shook his head and laughed. “I had no idea I was so fucking predictable.”
The warmth from Elijah’s smile filled his voice. “You still manage to surprise me, Seanie.”
Sean began to sink toward the couch, legs suddenly hollow and unable to hold him. He collapsed there, eyes closed, and sucked in a quick breath. “I’m glad I can still do that now and then.” He tried to ignore his growing arousal. ‘Jesus!’ Sean thought. ‘I’m fucking losing it.’
“Lij,” he breathed. “Lijah, I want -- to see you…”
“I know what you want,” Elijah told him quietly. “I know exactly what you want, Sean. You want the same thing I want.”
Sean pressed his palm against the aching bulge beneath his zipper and moaned softly.
“Sean, listen to me. You and I will do just fine. We don’t need to dive into bed five minutes after you get here. We didn’t dive into bed the last time we were together, did we? I seem to remember that night as being pretty fucking wonderful.”
“It was, wasn’t it,” Sean agreed. He forced his hand away from his rapidly growing erection. ‘That’s not the way,” he thought. ‘That’s not the part of me that really wants him.’ He said, “Lij?”
“Yeah?”
“You ever … you know … do it yourself?”
“You mean get to thinking of you and go whack off in the bathroom or something?”
“Beautifully put,” Sean said with a grin. “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
“It’s tempting,” Elijah admitted. “But, no. I haven’t done that. I want to wait ‘til we’re together.”
“God! See? That’s what I mean! We both think about it and it’s all built up in our minds… and what if I’m not as good as you think I’ll be? What if I freeze or something? What if I can’t… figure out how to please you?” His hand reached for his hair again… then he stopped himself, grinning in spite of his turmoil.
“Sean, stop. If you want to know what pleases me, ask me! I have no motivation for keeping it a secret.”
“What pleases you? What pleases you the most?”
“You want to know NOW?”
“Yes. Now.”
“OK, but just out of curiosity… why now? So you can practice?” He giggled.
“No. But… maybe -- like -- read up on it or something.”
Elijah absolutely screamed with laughter. Sean held the phone back from his ear and stared at it a moment before speaking again. “OK. OK. Enough already.” More delighted laughter filled his ear, along with choked off words that sounded like his name. “Elijah… enough. You’re embarrassing me!”
“Oh, god, that’s the best! Oh fuck, Sean! That is just the best ever!” He laughed again. “Jesus, babe. So typical of you. Go read a book and study-up on technique.”
Sean shrugged, then sighed. “Kinda stupid, huh.”
Elijah’s laugher slowed, then stopped. “I laughed because it was just such a ‘Sean’ thing for you to say. But I am completely touched, and a little thrilled, that you said it.”
Sean snorted derisively.
“I am! I love you for being that kind of person. The kind who’d ask what I want … then do everything in your power to make that happen for me.” Silence. Then softly: “Thank you, Sean. Thank you. I truly love you.”
Sean choked. “Lij…,” He tried to speak but could barely take a breath. After a long moment: “God, Lijah. I -- I love you too. So much it hurts.”
Sean heard a deep sigh. “I know it hurts. This whole thing hurts. Jesus, I didn’t think love could be so much like grief!”
“I’m sorry, Elijah. I truly am. I should have kept my mouth shut in New York until after I’d made this move here at home. But… I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know… I didn’t think… you’d want me. I had to be sure you wanted me.”
“Are you sure now?” Elijah asked softly. “God, I hope you are. With all you’re going through, I want you to know that what’s waiting at the end of all this is going to be worth it.”
“It’ll be worth it. You’re worth anything, Lij. Us together is worth anything. If I couldn’t believe that right now… I’d jump off a bridge.”
Elijah heard the cracks in his voice and knew that the hazel eyes he loved were filling with tears. “It’s OK, Seanie. We’re going to be all right. It’s hard because I want so much to be with you. Feel your arms around me again. It’s hard to wait. So hard.”
“Lij…,” Sean whispered brokenly.
“But I know we’ll make it. I know we can do it. Wait it out... Sean? Sean?”
Sean struggled for control. “Yeah, babe.”
“Talk to me about making love to me. Talk to me about how wonderful it’ll be. Please?”
Sean’s eyes slowly closed. His head fell back against the couch and he felt tears streaming out of the corners of his eyes and across his temples, dampening his hair. The breath he drew was harsh and uneven. “It’ll be wonderful, Elijah. It was wonderful just to hold you in my arms. To feel you that close to me.” He swallowed hard. “I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to hold you that way when we’re both -- when we -- I mean when we’re…”
“Naked?” Elijah whispered.
“Yeah,” Sean breathed. “And to kiss you again. I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful that kiss was, Elijah. I’ve never felt that way before. I didn’t know anyone COULD feel that way. If anyone had told me that they DID feel that way… I wouldn’t have believed them. I would’ve thought they were a delusional romantic.”
Elijah smiled. “But you were wrong.”
“I know. I know I was wrong. But I’ve had no touchstone for this, Elijah. Nothing to compare it to. Nothing in my life prepared me for … that one kiss.” He sat in quiet thought for a long moment and Elijah held his tongue, sensing somehow that this was an important revelation for Sean. Finally Sean spoke again, in a voice soft and dark as black velvet: “I didn’t know such feelings existed until I felt them that night with you.”
“Sean. Babe…,”
“And now… I want to feel them again so badly that I could cry.”
“And you will,” Elijah breathed. “Sean, you will. We BOTH will.”
“There are times when I have to force myself not to just walk up to her and say: ‘I’m leaving. I have to go. I have to go NOW!'”
“No, Sean. Don’t. Please. You’d hate yourself for it. And I don’t want our life together to start with you hating yourself. You have to wait ‘til the time is right.”
“Jesus, I don’t know. Will there EVER be a ‘right time’ to do this?”
“You’ll feel it, Sean. You’ll know.”
“Elijah…”
“No. No, Sean. Don’t do this to yourself. You’ll know when the time is right.”
“Will I?”
“Sean, listen to me.”
“I am, Lij. Honest, I am.”
“Sean… I believe in you.”
Sean choked on his words, eyes swimming again. “God, I love you. I love you so much.”
“I love you too. Never stop.”
“It feels like forever.”
“I know, but it’s not. And it won’t be. Arrange a trip somehow. Even one night. I need it. WE need it.”
“I’ll try, babe.” He lifted his head at the sound of a car engine. I better go, love. She just pulled in the driveway.”
“Call tomorrow?”
“Call later tonight if I can manage it. But tomorrow definitely.”
“Bye. Love you, Sean.”
“Same here, Lij. Always.”
Sean hung up the phone and walked toward the door to meet his wife.
***
Sean's days fell into an uncomfortable new pattern. He felt so separated from Chris, even though they still lived in the same house, did the same routine. Sometimes he would watch her as they drove, or cooked dinner, or went to one of the girls' events. He would think, Where have the last thirteen years of my life gone? Who is this person? How could I have married her? What was I doing?
It began to seem incredible to him that he had devoted so much of his life, his self, to her. Because all he could think about was Elijah.
It seemed to Sean that without much discussion, he and Chris had established that the heart of the marriage had stopped beating. What remained was a shell. He felt that he wanted to give her whatever dignity she needed, and that the next step would be up to her. But he was wrong about that. The next step, as it turned out, was up to him.
***
It was late. Sean couldn't sleep, restless thoughts of Elijah -- his skin, his eyes, his scent -- crowding his mind. He HAD been doing some reading, even with Elijah ribbing him about it. And made some judicious use of the internet, too. He had learned alot about how he and Elijah would make love, would please each other. And it seemed totally inevitable and totally right. Lying in the double bed in the guest room, Sean thought how strange it was -- the truth of what he had told Elijah back in January. That he had slipped so easily into accepting that he could love and desire another man like this. Because it was Elijah, it didn't seem hard at all. Much less of a bridge to cross that one would think -- from straight to ... something else. Sean didn't care if he would be called "gay" now, when people found out. He really didn't care. All he cared about was the truth he had finally been forced to uncover: His all consuming love for a certain beautiful man. He did wonder what would have happened if things had been different; if he had not married so young. But he also knew it was pointless to wonder. He and Elijah's age difference meant that Sean had met him precisely as soon as it was possible for them to be together; how Sean's marriage fit into that destiny, Sean had no idea. He felt humbled and saddened at the wasted years, yet it had to have all happened for a reason. The inevitability of his passion for Elijah was the proof of that, he thought. His only hope now was to emerge from this with as little damage to his daughters as possible. It would happen one step at a time. But happen it would. He and Elijah would be together someday. It was just about the only certainty Sean had.
His evening had been full of work-related socializing. He had had no chance to speak to Elijah all day. He finally got up and left the guest room and wandered outside in his boxers and t-shirt. He carried his cell phone with him out of habit; it was never far from him in case Elijah called or he had a chance to call him. Elijah never called, of course, unless it was arranged ahead of time, but Sean could not shake the eager speculation that he might, he might. So just in case, it was good to have the phone in his hand. It made him feel closer to Elijah, somehow, just to hold on to it.
Thoughts of Elijah, as always, made those 12-year-old-girl butterflies jump in his stomach, made him uneasy in a delicious way that felt like stage fright or indigestion. Sean couldn't remember ever feeling so excited and so happy and so scarily thrilled all at once. When he tried to think back to how he and Chris had gotten together, it didn't even compare. Then, there had been a feeling of getting things right, getting things settled. Satisfaction, and accomplishment. This was a soul-electrifying excitement, a kind of sensual, soulful passion that he had never experienced before. As he had told Elijah, he had not known this kind of passion, this kind of peak experience, was real and not the fantasy of romance novelists. The only things that had ever come close were the birth of his children, holding them in his arms for the first time, and a few special and unique times at work when he felt he had stretched his talent and his capacity into something new and challenging and fine. And of course, Elijah was intimately involved in what he thought of as his best work, as well. Elijah was intimately involved in everything now.
He stood by the pool, watching the moonlight shift and dance on the little ripples that the breeze sent across its dark surface. He felt so close to Elijah at that moment that he almost thought that if he turned his head, Lij would be there in the shadows, right there in Sean's yard. Of course that was impossible, but that's how it felt.
His hand pushed across his stomach, eased lower, closed around his erection. It was a poor substitute for comfort, and with no desire for release. Just thinking about Elijah could make him hard. He stood still, his palm pressing into his crotch, swimming in Elijah's presence. His eyes fell shut. It was late in California, even later in New York, but Sean lifted the cell phone in his other hand, and opened his eyes. It would be all right, he knew. He would call, and somehow knew he wouldn't be waking Elijah. He punched the speed dial, and after two rings he heard the only voice in the universe that he wanted to hear.
"I knew it was you," Elijah said.
Sean thrilled all over again at the sound, the excitement he was already feeling boosted several impossible notches more. He took his hand away from his erection and started pacing around the pool. He couldn't keep still and he didn't want to touch himself anymore. He had a bit more of Elijah now and that was all he wanted. He tried to breathe and to calm down.
"Where are you?" Sean said.
"In a taxi. Going home."
"Listen," Sean said, and marveled at himself for saying it. "I don't want to wait any more. I want to come and see you."
"Sean."
"I -- I -- I know it's a big step but I want it. So much."
"You're saying you know what will happen if we are together in the same time zone again."
"Yes. We'll -- I'll.... Oh, Elijah, I can't stand it anymore. I want to be near you, I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and have you and show you how much I love you. I want to feel you, to touch you. All of you."
"Sean." His voice was a ragged whisper.
"Say it's OK. Say I can come."
"You know I want it. So much. But is it all right? I mean..."
"I know. I know. Yes. It'll have to be, won't it?"
They listened to each other breathing, knowing it was a turning point, but knowing somehow that they had taken this turning long ago, that it perhaps was inevitable before Elijah had ever asked Sean about kissing, before they had ever walked the rocks of Mount Ruapehu together. It went back to that day right there in Los Angeles when they had met for the first time. And, Sean thought, if you believed in the eternal existence of souls, maybe even before that.
Elijah said, "Just tell me, baby. I'll meet you wherever you say."
"I'll get the tickets tomorrow, Elijah. I have to come. I have to come to you."
"I'm here, baby. Waiting for you."
End