FIC: The Conversation - Sean/Elijah - PG
Title: The Conversation
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net )
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Sean and Elijah have a conversation.
Time and Place: In Elijah’s NY apartment, not long after the ROTK premieres.
Feedback: I'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of satirical fantasy about public figures. It is completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in this work.
Author’s Note: Blessings on ladysunrope for her marvelous suggestions. Blessings also on my beloved princessofg for making this a much better story with her insightful beta work. This story is something of an experiment with dialogue. Hope you like it.
The Conversation
I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
'Til we're both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away
Peter Gabriel - Talk To Me
It was late. The New York night outside the windows of Elijah’s apartment was mild for January, cool and clear. They could have been on the balcony… but they weren’t
Sean sprawled on the couch fiddling with his cell phone. He’d been trying to figure out how to send text messages for two days now, but even with Elijah’s help, he hadn’t managed to get one through.
He felt something cold hit his hand and glanced up to see Elijah holding out a chilled and dripping glass. Sean reached for it gratefully. “Thanks,” he murmured, laying the cell aside. He sipped the champagne and smiled slowly. It felt almost as good as it tasted. He was ready to kick back a bit, the past few weeks had been grueling.
Elijah had settled, cross-legged, on the floor at his feet and was watching him steadily, sampling the golden liquid as he gazed. He drank as though he held a glass of soda, clutching the stem in his fist, taking long, sloppy slugs that left a wet line of champagne glistening along his upper lip.
Sean resisted the temptation to lean over and swipe at the wetness with his thumb. ‘Jesus,’ he thought. ‘I’ve spent thousands of hours looking at him. You’d think I’d be tired of it. But, I’m not. Never could be.’ He sighed and flicked his wet fingers toward Elijah’s face, laughing softly as the drops feathered across his cheeks.
“Hey!” Elijah protested, grinning. “So, how’s the champers?”
“Good,” Sean told him. “It’s so nice to just.. you know.. relax.”
Elijah nodded, studying his wine.
“What do you see in there?” Sean quizzed him with a grin.
Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. He lifted the glass to his lips and downed the wine in one swallow. “Not a thing.” He squirmed a bit and scooted closer to where Sean was perched on the edge of the couch.
“Sean?”
“Mmm.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“You know you can.”
Elijah shrugged. “Well, this question is a bit... oh, I dunno, unusual, I guess.”
Sean leaned back a bit and scrutinized him, his brow furrowed. “Well, now you HAVE to ask me. What is it?”
Elijah splayed his hands out in front of him, and for a long moment he looked down at them quizzically. He slowly drew his fingers into a fist, then opened them again.
“Elijah?” Sean asked quietly. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“Oh, no. No, no, no,” Elijah told him quickly, still staring at his hands. “It’s just.. “ He glanced up at Sean, his beautiful features twisting into an expression of doubt. “It’s just... an unusual question.”
Sean smirked at him, making Elijah smile. He leaned forward in a conspiratorial manner. “Umm, Elwood?”
Elijah punched at Sean’s leg, giggling, knowing what was coming. “OK. OK.”
Sean leaned closer and murmured. “We’ve already determined that the question is… uhmmm ‘unusual’.” He nodded sagely. “Time to… like... uh...” he waved his fingers as if motioning something forward. “... move on?”
Two blue eyes narrowed in his direction. “Prick.”
Sean leaned back on the couch, inhaling deeply. It was hard for him to relax. Even sitting still was tough for him at times. He was so driven to be doing, becoming, always seeking what he never quite found.
But… not here. Not now.
He gazed at Elijah for a count of two, savoring a deepening feeling of contentment. “Wussy-boy,” he murmured, watching the blue eyes slant as the grin hit his face.
“Fuck you, Astin!”
“Promises, promises,” Sean responded with a wink. “The question,” he prodded. “Elijah, ask the damn question.”
Elijah squirmed again,
“Ahh, fuck, Sean,” he muttered. “Maybe this was just a bad idea. Now that’s it’s come right down to it, I can’t ask you.” He shook his head, an expression of disgust twisting his features. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem… “
“… like a wuss?” Sean grinned.
Elijah glanced quickly up at him and scowled.
“Come on, Elwood,” Sean prompted, leaning forward. “Tell me.” He grasped Elijah’s wrists and tugged him closer, bending until their eyes were only inches apart. “Please, Lij,” he begged in a low whisper.
Elijah’s eyes widened slightly as Sean’s whisper invoked an aura of intimacy around them. His words were a flow of warm air over Elijah’s face, tightening his skin. Leaving him feeling how he supposed a drowning man would feel if one could drown in something close to… what? The word ‘bliss’ came, unbidden, into his mind, and he frowned.
His eyes focused on Sean’s hand as it enclosed his left wrist. His arm looked so small in Sean’s hand. Words came slowly. With difficulty. Elijah inhaled deeply. “Sean, I’m afraid to say it.”
Sean lifted his hand and rested it gently on Elijah’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed but he said nothing.
“I’m afraid you won’t like it,” Elijah muttered.
Again Sean said nothing. He placed both palms on Elijah’s shoulders and looked over Elijah’s head, thinking. Then their eyes locked again. “Lij, maybe the things I don’t like hearing are the things I most NEED to hear.” His hands moved on Elijah’s shoulders, shaking him gently. “You know?”
Elijah nodded slowly. “I know, Sean. But this… ,” He sighed, and shook himself in self disgust. “Ahhhh.. I’m a cunt. I shouldn’t have mentioned it unless I was sure I’d have the balls to actually follow through.”
He hands touched Sean’s arms, moving slowly from his wrists to his elbows and back again while they gazed into each other’s eyes.
“OK,” Elijah said decisively. “I’ll ask the question.” He dropped his head and took a short breath, then raised his eyes to Sean’s again.
“Have you ever wondered…” he began, and stopped.
Sean remained silent, but his hands squeezed Elijah’s neck reassuringly.
Elijah cleared his throat and shook himself briefly, as though trying to shake off his reluctance. “Have you ever wondered… ,” he began again. “What it would feel like… ,” he stopped again and looked up at Sean apprehensively.
Sean’s eyes had narrowed a bit. “What it would feel like… ,” he prompted.
“To kiss me,” Elijah finished quickly, almost running the words together in his haste.
Sean leaned back slowly.. looking over Elijah’s head, his brows raised. “To… ,” he started, then stopped, then started again. “… to kiss you,” he said quietly.
He looked down at Elijah quickly. “I HAVE kissed you!”
Elijah merely looked at him.
“Oh,” Sean said quietly. “You mean…,” he stopped again, then swallowed hard and continued. “… a real kiss.”
Elijah sighed. “I’m not asking you to DO it,” he said slowly. “Just asking if it ever crossed your mind. I mean… you know.. to wonder what it would feel like.”
Their eyes locked, then Elijah looked quickly away.
“I TOLD you it was a stupid question!” Elijah snapped. He threw Sean’s hands off his shoulders and started to scramble to his feet. “Why did you make me ask it?”
Sean refused the bait and snagged his arm, tugging hard, trying to drag Elijah back to the floor. “Would you wait a minute?” Sean asked gently. “Would you just please give me a second to think?”
“What’s to think about? It’s a simple yes or no question.” He tried to pull his arm from Sean’s grasp, but Sean hung on tight.
“Elijah,” Sean implored. “Sit down.” He tugged again. “Please.”
Elijah looked over his head, but Sean could see his clenched jaw and set lips.
“The answer is yes.”
“You’re lying,” Elijah mumbled.
“I’m not,” Sean said solidly. “Elijah, sit. Please. I’m not lying.”
Elijah dropped to his knees in front of the couch and looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Sean,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have called you a liar. I know you don’t lie to me.”
“I’m just not sure what you really want, Lij.”
Elijah shook his head. “I’m not either.”
Sean dropped his hands back onto Elijah’s shoulders. “Why did you ask me this?”
Elijah shrugged. “Sometimes we seem so close. I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally. I feel a sense of… intimacy that I've never felt before. It's almost overwhelming at times. Like… like no one else exists. When it’s like that… I think.. I.. I've thought… I’ve felt like… I mean I’ve uhhh.. said to myself: ‘He’s going to kiss me.’”
Sean’s hands rose and captured Elijah’s head between them. His thumbs moved in small, gentle circles, massaging his temples.
“And what would you have done if I had?” he asked.
His voice was warm and low. Elijah’s eyes started to close, losing himself again. Sinking into the same warm, soothing enchantment that he’d felt so many times with Sean. He forced his eyes open. “There! Like that! You just did it again.”
Sean laughed. “What? What did I do? Rub your temples?”
“You used that voice!” Elijah told him. “That… ‘Sean-voice. You’re using that intimate Sean-voice. Do you do that on purpose? That’s when I wonder if you’re going to kiss me.”
“Should I?”
“Should you?”
The thumbs stopped rubbing. The eyes took on an emerald glow. “Yeah. Should I?”
Elijah drew in a breath and opened his mouth to speak… but Sean beat him to it.
“Are we having THE conversation?” he half-whispered.
“Why not? You’re using THE voice,” Elijah pointed out.
Sean was silent for a moment, then, surprisingly, giggled. “Sorry.” He lifted his voice into a high falsetto “How’s this? Is this better?”
“Sean!” Elijah grumbled. He grabbed Sean’s wrists and pushed his hands down and away. “I actually wanted to have a semi-serious conversation here. One with some amount of meaning to me. But now…” He stood quickly and ducked away from Sean’s reaching arm. “I’m going to get some more wine,” he said tightly, taking his wineglass from the table. “You can just sit here and do… ,” He waved his hands in the air in disgust. “… whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing!”
Sean sighed, grabbed his glass, and followed Elijah into the kitchen. He was standing beside the counter pouring himself more champagne when Sean walked up and held out his glass. Elijah silently poured for him, then stared down at his half-empty wineglass while Sean sipped.
“Lij,” Sean began. “I never meant to… ,”
“Well, fuck this!” Elijah interrupted. He opened the cupboard next to his head, pulled out a large water tumbler and gazed at it, nodding approvingly. “Now THAT’S more like it!” He dumped the contents of his wineglass into the tumbler, then filled it to the brim with champagne.
“Jeez, Lij,” Sean said quietly. “Do you think you should… ,”
Elijah picked the tumbler up and walked toward the living room before Sean could finish. He turned at the door and glanced back. “You coming?” he asked irritably.
For a moment there was silence. “No,” Sean drawled finally. “But the night’s young and I still have hope.”
Elijah fell slowly forward against the door-jam, laughing helplessly. “OK. OK,” he squeaked, glancing at Sean who winked as he passed. “You got me.”
Sean sat back on the couch, and watched as Elijah moved some distance away before re-perching on the floor.
“Lij?” Sean asked quietly.
Elijah looked up.
Sean crooked his finger. “C’mere.”
Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. “Nope. I’m happy right here.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Elijah. Please?”
Elijah’s head was still shaking. “Uh uh,” he said, sipping his wine.
“You punishing me?”
“You feel punished?” Elijah snapped.
“Yes. I do,” Sean told him seriously.
Now it was Elijah’s turn to roll his eyes. Shaking his head and donning his most ‘put upon’ expression, he scooted across the floor to Sean’s feet. He sat his tumbler of champagne on the carpet and spread his arms out, looking up at Sean. “OK. I’m here. Now what?”
Sean silently held out his hand.
“What?”
Sean’s hand extended further.
“Oh, fer’ fuck’s sake… ,” Elijah sputtered. He sighed dramatically and placed his hand in Sean’s.
“Now what?” Elijah asked, looking up into Sean’s eyes.
“Grab your bubbly,” Sean said, grasping Elijah’s hand tightly.
Elijah grabbed his tumbler, and was immediately hauled to his feet, and onto the couch beside Sean.
“Fuck's sake, Astin!” Elijah spouted, trying not to laugh. “Ya, could’a spilled my champers!”
“I’d have gotten you some more,” Sean said, slipping his arm around Elijah’s shoulders. He tugged, pulling Elijah close to him. Then turned half sideways, his arm still draped over his friend.
“OK,” he said softly. “I gather this is more important than I thought. So I apologize for goofing around.”
Elijah started to speak, but Sean held up one finger, asking him to wait.
“Your question made me feel self-conscious, and that, in turn made me want to joke about it.”
Elijah nodded. “I can understand that.”
Sean sighed and wrapped his hand around the back of Elijah’s neck. Elijah tried not to smile, but failed. The hand on his neck felt huge. And warm. Very warm.
“Lij?” Sean asked softly.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you want to have this conversation?”
Sean’s thumb was moving. Rubbing softly just under Elijah’s ear, touching his ear lobe with a gentle caress every time it moved. Elijah looked up and into his eyes. There was no humor there now. No irony. He looked totally absorbed in what they were saying.
“Yeah,” Elijah said. “I do.”
Sean nodded slowly and pulled Elijah toward him. He bent his head and pressed their foreheads together gently. Then he backed away.
“OK, Elwood. Whatever you want.” He was silent for a moment, then spoke softly: “Have I ever wondered what it would feel like to kiss you.” His thumb moved under Elijah’s ear again. His eyes were focused beyond Elijah, to the wall in back of him.
Elijah was silent.
“Yes. I’ve… thought about it.”
“Yeah?” Elijah breathed.
Sean’s head fell forward. All Elijah could see was the top of his head, so he cupped Sean’s chin and tried to tilt his face up. But Sean grabbed his hand and pushed it away.
“I don’t know if I can say this while I’m looking at you,” he murmured.
Elijah nodded. “OK, Sean. Say it without looking at me.”
Sean’s head dropped again, and Elijah let it fall. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Sean’s soft, wavy hair. It smelled like a Spring day, clean and fresh. He pressed his face against the silken curls, rubbing them against his cheek and when Sean sighed he felt a stab of guilt hit his chest.
“Sean?” he said quietly, trying to tip Sean’s face up again. “Sean, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer.”
Sean refused to lift his head. “No,” he murmured. “I'll answer.”
Elijah said nothing, but kept his face pressed to Sean’s curls.
“I feel afraid, Elijah,” he said softly.
“Afraid when you think of it?”
“Yes. Afraid.”
“Why that of all things? I thought maybe disgusted. Or offend…”
“No!” he said vehemently. He lifted his head and looked directly into Elijah’s eyes. “I would not feel disgusted! Or offended.”
“I thought maybe you wouldn’t like it.”
Sean surprised him by smiling. Then surprised him further by leaning in and kissing his brow. “Lij, my problem with thinking about us kissing ISN’T that I think I wouldn’t like it.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Soooo… ,” Elijah prompted.
“So… what IS the problem?” Sean asked.
“Uh.. yeah. Well… what are you afraid of?”
Sean drew a deep sigh. “Well… I-i-i-eee uhh…” he stopped, his face wrinkled as if in pain. “I mean I… ,” he began, then stopped again. "I’m afraid that if I started kissing you… really kissing you… that stopping would be… hard. Sean told him finally, the words rushing out of his throat in a hoarse whisper. His head immediately dropped again. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad? Why would I be mad? We need to… ”
“All this GAY shit you’ve been through!” Sean interrupted, pushing Elijah’s hands down. “All these idiotic rumors? I know how much it’s bothered you! I know how upset you’ve been by it. Then I have THOSE kind of feelings for you? God I make myself… ,” He shook his head and gestured frantically with his arms. “Ahhhhh, God… I… I make myself sick!”
Elijah grabbed his wrists and forced his arms down. “Stop it!”
Sean was shaking his head. “I’m a creep. A creep!”
Elijah pressed his hand to Sean’s mouth. “Jesus! Would you fucking stop?” he half-yelled.
Sean looked at him, his eyes filled with misery.
“What? You’re a creep? And…,” Elijah grinned and poked him gently in the ribs, unable to resist quoting "Radiohead". “What? I’m so fuckin’ special?”
Sean didn’t smile. He sighed and turned away. “Not funny.”
“No,” Elijah said. “I suppose not. But I have to tell you, of all the things you've said to me tonight, that's the one thing that SHOULD make me angry!”
Sean’s head nodded as it dropped into his hands. “It’s been that kind’a night.”
“How could you compare what you and I feel toward each other to the ridiculous fucking rumors being spread around on the Internet by people who don’t even KNOW us!”
Sean raised his head and glanced sideways. “Lij, I… ,”
“How could you do that? You know how much I hate that stuff, Sean. You know what I think of people who discuss my private life that way. And now you’re comparing them to US?”
Sean shrugged his shoulders. “Lij, I’m sorry. I… I guess I just… ,” he shrugged again then sighed and shook his head in defeat. “I’m just sorry. You’re right, and I’m just sorry.”
Elijah grinned. Sean’s head was down and his broad shoulders were hunched. He ran his fingers through Sean’s hair, pressing hard on his scalp. “Afraid you couldn’t stop?” he asked gently.
Sean’s head lifted enough to shoot Elijah a sheepish glance, blushing furiously. “You did ask,” he pointed out.
“Afraid you couldn’t stop, Sean! That’s so awesomely sweet!”
“Elijah!”
“Well it IS, Sean,” he insisted. “Still my Samwise. Still protecting me, even from yourself." He carded his fingers through Sean's hair. "I think you’re exaggerating though. I doubt you’d have any trouble stopping.”
Sean stared into his eyes without saying a word. He was chewing on the inside of his lower lip and his eyes were narrowed. Three seconds of the silent staring was all Elijah could take.
“What?” he erupted. “What are you thinking?”
“You’re wrong,” Sean said quietly.
“About… Oh. About… stopping.” He looked at Sean with a doubtful expression twisting his features. “Really?”
Sean turned away quickly and made a grab for his cell phone. “Show me again how to do text messages on this. I can’t believe I’m having so much trouble with it.”
“Sean!”
“What, Elijah? Do we need to talk about this anymore? You have your answer. I feel bad enough about all this as it is. I wish I'd never started talking about it.” He thrust the cell phone at Elijah as though it were on fire. “Show me again!”
Elijah took the phone and set it gently on the table. “Sean. Stop. I was kidding about being mad. I tease too much at times. I just wanted you to stop being so harsh with yourself.”
Sean silently examined his hands.
“Sean, does it really… worry you?” Elijah put his hand on Sean’s back and moved it in a circular motion.
“Elijah! Of course it worries me! Jesus!”
“The… uh.. ‘gay shit’?” Elijah asked, smiling gently.
Sean turned to him. “My god, Elijah, it’s not funny. I hate myself for how I feel about you at times.”
Elijah’s hand fell from Sean’s back. He leaned back, frowning, his fists clenched against the pain that reverberated through his body. He felt his eyes sting. “Hate yourself?”
“Lij…”
“Do you know how bad that makes me feel?” He didn’t want Sean to see the tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t turn away. “Jesus, Sean. Should I hate myself for how I feel about YOU? Do you see those feelings as… wrong somehow?”
Stunned, Sean’s eyes flew open. “Oh god, Lij! That’s not what I meant!”
Elijah sighed. “Sounded like you did. Like you think having gay feelings for me is… a bad thing.”
“It’s not that at all!” Sean cried, seizing Elijah’s shoulders roughly and pulling him into a tight hug. “I just don’t know what to do!”
Elijah wrapped his arms around Sean’s body, rocking him gently.
“Shhhh,” he soothed. “It’s OK. You don’t have to do anything. God,
I'm sorry. This is all my fault, Seanie.”
Sean mumbled against Elijah’s shirt. “How could my feelings be your
fault?”
Elijah cupped Sean’s face in his hands, trying to lift his head. “Because I WANT you to want to kiss me, and try to tease you into it by doing things I know you find… seductive. Because it doesn’t bother me that I want to kiss you, and I forget that you feel differently. Because I wouldn't mind exploring that side of our relationship, and though I know you probably don't want to, I talk about it anyway because it feels good.” He finally managed to lift Sean’s bowed head and peeked into his eyes. “How’s that?”
Sean swallowed hard. “I - god, Lij. You really feel that way?”
Elijah nodded. “Yeah. I do. And furthermore, it doesn't bother me one fucking iota.” He sighed gently and pressed his forehead against Sean’s. "I wish you felt the same.”
Sean sighed softly. "Not much chance of that, Doodle. There’s just too much at stake."
“I know.”
Sean shook his head, then sat back suddenly, catching his breath. “Elijah! Tell me something.”
Surprised, Elijah blinked. “OK. What?”
Sean captured Elijah’s hands in his. “I think about being…”
“Gay?” Elijah asked, squeezing Sean’s hands and trying not to smile.
“Well, yeah,” Sean replied. “I mean… I don’t really worry about it. More like… wonder about it. It’s not like I haven’t felt… I mean - I HAVE felt... Jesus, Lij, you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” Elijah said with a grin. “Tell me!”
Sean glowered at him. “Stop.”
Elijah considered for a moment. “I don’t think you’re gay, Sean. Bi, maybe. Maybe just…," he hesitated, then grinned. "Hetero-flexible?”
"Hetero-flexible," Sean growled scornfully. “Spare me the massive rationalizations.”
“But, it’s not," Elijah protested. "You’re mostly straight…” Elijah’s grin widened. “With one noteworthy exception.”
“Mostly straight,” Sean muttered sarcastically. “C'mon, Elijah.”
“How many other guys do you wanna shag?” Elijah shot back.
“Didn’t say I wanted to shag YOU,” Sean replied, a brief smile
softening his face. “We were talking about a KISS here, remember?”
Elijah opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. “OK,” he whispered,
blushing. “You’re right, Sean. I’m projecting.”
They were silent for a moment, then Elijah spoke quietly. “My mom knew I was gay before I did.” He grinned at Sean’s surprised look. “Yeah. And she was always open enough about it that when I finally understood what I was feeling, she’s the person I turned to. I’ve never really seen myself as wrong or bad because of her acceptance.”
Sean thought about his relationship with his own mother, and smiled. “God, Lij, that’s amazing.”
Elijah nodded, taking Sean’s hand in his. “She told me that a person’s gender didn’t matter when I fell in love. That in many ways it was the least important aspect of any relationship. But that it DID matter that I loved with integrity. It mattered that the one I love have integrity, and it mattered that my love for them was expressed with integrity.”
Sean hesitated, wondering if he really wanted to hear the answer, then spoke falteringly. “Lij, have you had many… relationships?”
Elijah smiled. “I’ve had a couple lovers. One guy I met while I was shooting ‘The Faculty’” He hesitated for a moment, then continued. “One I met on the Lord of the Rings set, and no, I won’t tell you who it was.”
Sean grimaced, but nodded at the same time. “OK. Fair enough.”
He lowered his head for a moment, then spoke softly. “It would have been nice if the first guy I’d ever kissed had been you.”
Sean stared at him silently, his heart pounding. “Listen,” he said quietly. “Let me tell you something about me that you might not know.”
Elijah nodded.
“All my life I’ve had this… empty feeling. This big hole inside me.” He thought for a moment, his thumbs brushing across the back of Elijah’s hands. “I’ve thrown a lot of things into that hole trying to fill it. Trying to make that empty feeling go away. Because… it hurts.”
He glanced up. “You know?”
Elijah nodded again, feeling his eyes smart. Sean didn’t usually let anyone see this deep inside him. He was careful to wear a smiling mask that covered over the kind of emotional openness that could crack his heart. Sean was honest to a fault…intellectually. But only rarely did this honestly extend to his feelings. He didn't like feeling that vulnerable. Elijah knew that. This was new, this access to the inner reaches of Sean's heart, and Elijah listened, spellbound.
“I threw work into that hole. Money. Family. Thought if I got married… that would fill it. Thought if I had a kid… THAT would fill it. Got involved with politics. Thought THAT would fill it." Sean sighed. " I bought things. Did things. Wanted things." He shook his head. “But… nothing filled it, Elijah. That empty feeling never went away.”
He glanced up again, then lowered his head and stared at their joined hands. “It just hurt me. All the time.” He stopped… and seemed to think for a moment. “And… it made me feel like a failure. Because nothing I ever did or had was enough. And I'd constantly kid myself into believing that whatever I was currently obsessing over would be IT. Would be the one thing that gave me peace." He hesitated still staring at Elijah's hands clasped in his own. "But… it never was."
“Then…,” Sean said, quietly. “I met you, Elijah.” He lifted his head and peeked at Elijah then lowered it again. “You.”
Elijah lifted his hand and ran it through Sean’s hair. The smarting in his eyes had turned into burning. His throat ached unbearably. “Sean,” he choked.
“I dunno,” Sean said, laughing quietly. “I’ve never had a clue what to call it, Elijah. Maybe it was too simple for me. I wanted it to be complex and difficult. A deep psychological mystery. Something I had to wrestle with. Figure out. Unravel. When all the time it was simply that I fell in love. I wonder now if I've ever been in love with anyone else. I don't know how else to understand it, Elijah.” He leaned into Elijah’s hand, feeling as though he was dissolving from the inside out. Hoping that hand could catch him. Save him from disappearing.
“I do know that when I'm with you, the emptiness is gone. I lack for nothing." He stared up, quickly, into Elijah's eyes, pulling Elijah's hand back into his own. "I don’t give a damn what anyone wants to label it. But, Jesus… I was afraid to say anything. Afraid to do anything. I wasn’t afraid of what it said about my sexual orientation. Could have cared less about that. I was afraid of the impact it would have on my life. On my family.” He shook his head, mindlessly clutching at Elijah's hands with both of his. "But, oh god, Lij, that wasn't the worst of it."
"Tell me," Elijah breathed.
Sean nodded silently. When he next spoke his voice was hesitant. "I was afraid that talking about this stuff or even THINKING about this stuff, would somehow cause me to fuck up our friendship." He shook his head, his voice breaking. "I simply could not have borne it if I'd done that, Elijah."
"Never happen," Elijah reassured him, holding his hands tight. "Sean that's just not a possibility."
Sean shrugged. "So you say, Elwood." He released Elijah's hands and leaned back on the sofa. "And maybe that's true."
"Maybe?"
"Elijah, I've seen times in the past four years when that last thing you wanted or could have dealt from me was a declaration of big gay love. You had enough 'gay' going on in your life."
Elijah's eyes narrowed. "Sean, you're doing it again."
“Doing what?” He asked, his eyes suddenly twinkling. “Taking 20 minutes to say what you said in 20 seconds?”
Elijah remained silent and Sean sighed. "There are other considerations."
Elijah nodded. "I understand that, Sean. I'm not asking you for anything."
"What?" Sean queried in disbelief. "Elijah, this entire conversation is asking me for something. Even if all it's asking me for is a confession."
"Sean, we can talk about this."
"We've BEEN talking about it. I'm not any less anxious, or any more
convinced that it's a good idea."
"Sean," Elijah said softly. "We can talk about this."
"And accomplish what?" Sean asked.
"Accomplish being emotionally honest with each other if nothing else," Elijah said. "I don't know how we can even call ourselves close friends, while we're ignoring the huge pink Oliphaunt sitting in the middle of the room."
Sean shot him a glance.
"I thought we had agreed on that, Sean. That we'd always be honest with each other."
"I AM honest with you!" Sean said. "I've never lied to you about this, Elijah."
"Oh, I get it. Omissions don't count, huh?" He glowered at Sean. "That's your definition of honestly? NOW who's handing out massive rationalizations!"
Sean stared into his friend's face, struggling for calm. "You're right," he said finally. "God, I know you're right. It's just that… I'm not used to dealing with powerful emotions. I'm used to burying them. I'm not used to thinking of them as 'safe'. To me… the more powerful my feelings for you grew, the more they frightened me. "
Elijah nodded. "I understand, Sean. But…" he grinned suddenly. "You've been outed. You know now. We both know the way the other one feels. You can't go back to not knowing. And… neither can I. No more pink Oliphaunt."
Sean looked at Elijah, his hazel eyes glowing with compassion. "Lij," Sean half-whispered. "I have to tell Chris. If omissions are wrong for us, aren't they just as wrong for her? What do I say to her now that I've been… outed?"
Suddenly frightened, Elijah grabbed his arm. “Sean, wait.”
Sean shook his head. "Suppressed feelings are easy to rationalize. I could call them something else. Be as affectionate with you as I wanted to be because we were 'just friends'. Now what do I do?"
Elijah choked. "God, Seanie, I never meant…"
"I know, baby. You wanted us to be open with each other, and you’re right to want that. But now… how do I explain to HER? What do I say when she asks me why I look at you the way I do? What do I say when she asks me if I'm in love with you?"
"Say 'no'," Elijah breathed.
"Lie?" Sean queried.
"YES, lie!" Elijah thundered. "Of COURSE, lie!" He ran his hands through his dark hair almost desperately. "Jesus, Sean! There's nothing noble about a truth whose only purpose is to hurt someone! What other purpose would it serve? You're not about to leave her… so why tell her? To spare YOU from having to think of yourself as a guy who told his wife a lie? What else IS there? We're not lovers. There's nothing to tell."
"But Lij," Sean responded in a low, quiet voice. "I WANT us to be lovers."
Elijah smiled slowly. "So do I. But we're not." His grin broadened. "Hell, I didn't even get that kiss we talked about. And you need to be careful using that warm, flirty voice with me. I tend to take it seriously."
Sean glanced at him. "I LIKE using that warm, flirty voice with you. I like the feeling of intimacy it creates." He lowered his head, but not before Elijah had seen the unhappiness in his face.
"Sean, please keep your mouth shut to Chris. You're entitled to have private feelings that you only share with me. What's the point to telling her? Neither of us is ready for that kind of move." He grabbed Sean's arm. "You're NOT, are you?"
Sean turned to face Elijah. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to say 'no' to that question?"
Elijah silently stared at him, his hand reaching blindly to touch Sean's face. "I know," he whispered. "Hurts me to hear it, but it's the right thing for you to say for now. I know that too."
Sean sighed. "I feel like Sam. Torn between Frodo and Rosie. Jesus, Elijah. This whole thing is monumentally life changing. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. Makes me do and say stupid things at times."
Elijah's smile was warm as his thumbs caressed Sean’s cheekbones. “We’re both frightened. We feel that way because we’re decent people! We don’t want anyone hurt on account of us. Hard for me to feel bad about that, Sean. It’s a lot of the reason why I love you. You’re a decent guy.”
Sean felt his chest tighten. “Lij…,” he whispered.
"We can do this, Sean. And we can do it without having a 'Grey Havens' in our lives."
Sean stared at him silently.
"Can't we?" Elijah asked quietly, and Sean was suddenly blindsided by how young he was. Oh, he'd grown up, no question. He wasn't the kid that Sean had met and grown to love in New Zealand. But now, in this moment of emotional truth between them, Sean saw his innocence, his inexperience, his unconditional belief in Sean's love… and his fear.
Sean shook his head, feeling love for Elijah overwhelm him. "Jesus, Elijah. This is bullshit."
He reached up quickly and took Elijah's face into his two hands and pulled him slowly forward until their lips were pressed together. Elijah's gasp opened his mouth under Sean's and for a long time the only sounds in the room were quick inhalations and tiny, whimpering moans of pleasure.
Sean finally leaned back, releasing Elijah's face, his head lowered.
"Oh my god," Elijah breathed. He glanced up as Sean lifted his head, expecting to see his features twisted with sadness or self recrimination. Instead, he looked into the smiling face of beatific joy. Sean's eyes shown with a rapturous light. He was biting his lower lip. "Sean?" Elijah queried. "What…"
Sean's hands captured Elijah's faced and drew him in for another slow, lingering kiss. When he released Elijah he laughed out loud.
"My god!" Elijah choked, struggling for breath. "You're laughing?"
"Is THAT was I was so afraid of?" Sean asked, grinning. "Elijah!" he cried. "Oh my god, Elijah!"
Elijah laughed out loud. "What! Tell me! Jesus, you're a crazy person! What!"
Sean grabbed him and hugged him tight. He pressed his mouth to Elijah's ear and took a deep breath. "I'm happy," he whispered in wonder. "I've never felt this kind of joy before. Except…" he leaned back and looked at Elijah. "Except maybe when the girls were born."
"I'm totally happy to take a back seat to the girls," Elijah grinned, his arms around Sean's neck. "Would you mind telling me though, what exactly is happening here? Is this a prelude to us being lovers? Is this a beginning? An end? What's going on?"
Sean shrugged happily. "I dunno. Hell, took me four years to get this far!" He peered into Elijah's eyes. "But.. do you suppose I could have another kiss?"
Elijah laughed, softly. "Greedy bastard, aren’t you!"
"Hey, It's research!" Sean protested, locking both arms around Elijah's waist. "You know… so I can answer your questions." He drew Elijah close. "I'm happy, Lij" Sean murmured. "I'm just so happy."
"Well, god knows, I'm glad to hear it," Elijah said. "Jesus, I can hardly believe it though, Sean. I expected a lot of reactions from you if this ever happened… but not this one."
Sean's lips moved slowly up the long slope of Elijah's throat, smiling as Elijah gasped, overwhelmed by the joy he felt. "Mmmm... Lijah, my Lijah," he crooned softly. "You think you're surprised!" He let his tongue skim gently over pale, firm skin… then whispered against it: 'You ought to be inside MY skin!"
Elijah pushed him back gently. "Sean, what IS this? What's happening here? Where is this going?"
Sean pulled Elijah back against his body. "My god, you feel so GOOD!" He quickly pulled Elijah down until they were lying side-by-side on the couch. "Where's it going?" he echoed, leaning back to look into Elijah's eyes. "I told you. I don't know."
Elijah opened his mouth to speak.
"Shhhh," Sean whispered. "Hush. Just hush for a second. Don't talk. Just let me hold you."
He pulled Elijah's body tight against his, touching down their entire length. "Oh god, Elijah, nothing ever felt this good before. Nothing. No one. Not ever. I didn't know anything COULD feel this good." He pressed his face against Elijah's throat in amazement feeling a rapture that was nearly mindless.
He kissed Elijah's cheek. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured. "I didn't mean to cut you off. I just needed to feel this. I just needed to hold you. I didn't know how much I needed it 'til I felt you this close to me."
Elijah nodded. "I know."
"Can we just… lie here?" Sean asked. "Can we just be here together? Just… do this? Just let me hold you?"
Elijah nodded.
"And then," Sean continued. "In an hour or so, ask me again where it's going? Maybe by then I'll be more coherent."
Elijah laughed softly against Sean's shirt. "Coherent’s never been your strong suit, but…” he pretended to ponder. “… you’ve got a deal."
Sean looked down at his face. "So beautiful," he breathed. "Now I know what Sam meant."
Elijah smiled and stroked Sean's hair. "What? What are you talking about?"
Sean's eyes were soft, and filled with love. "Sam was watching Frodo sleep when they stopped to eat the stewed rabbits. He was thinking how beautiful Frodo was… how he had a light that glowed from the inside out. He'd seen the light when Frodo was asleep and recovering in Rivendell. He could see it again now. And he said: "I love him. He's like that and sometimes it shines through. But I love him whether or no."
His hand cupped Elijah's face and he leaned closer. "He saw Frodo's spirit. Just like I see yours."
Elijah's chest was too tight with feeling to permit words. He hoped that his echoing touch down Sean's cheek spoke of his love and joy. He hoped Sean understood.
Sean's head bent lower, and his lips pressed softly against Elijah's once again. "Breathe," he whispered. "Breathe, Elijah. Please."
Elijah drew in a long, shaky breath, then exhaled slowly. He felt Sean inhale at the same time, taking Elijah's breath into his body, and Elijah's eyes burned with sudden tears. He felt the touch of Sean's lips on his. The most gentle touch Elijah had ever known. And yet, it conveyed so much hunger that Elijah gasped, his body aching.
"Sean," he whimpered. "Stop. Please. We need time to think and I can't think when we're like this."
Sean nodded and pressed his lips against Elijah's shirt, moaning softly. "I don't want to think… but I will if you say we need to." He gathered Elijah closer, pressing their bodies tight together. His eyes slowly closed. Elijah’s nearness was overwhelming. Sean was drowning. Suffocating. He hadn’t known that joy like this was possible for him, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Let me have this. I don’t really care if this is all I ever have. Just don’t take this away from me and I’ll be happy."
Elijah's eyes were bright and his voice cracked when he spoke. "LET you have it?" His hand grasped a handful of Sean's shirt. "You think I don’t want this as much as you do?" He gasped suddenly in remembrance. "God! We have a 'thing' tomorrow night don't we!"
Sean kissed his cheek. "Yeah," he murmured. "A screening I think. At… where the hell was it! Lincoln Center, I think."
"Mmmm," Elijah murmured. "Well, once we get there, we should probably make a vow not to look at each other."
Sean giggled. "You're probably right, but frankly, Mr. Frodo, I don't see it happening." He nuzzled Elijah's face. "Makes me happy to look at you. Always has."
Elijah snuggled, against Sean's shoulder. "Well, it's no big deal," he murmured. "I doubt anyone'll notice anything anyway."
Sean nodded agreement, and then giggled. "By the way, thanks for asking the question, Lij. The answer proved to be very enlightening."
Elijah poked his ribs… hard. "No problem, Seanwise. Happy to be of service.” He sighed softly. “Sean, please promise me you’ll lie to Chris.”
Sean was silent for a long moment, his hands moving slowly over Elijah’s back. Then he took a deep breath. “Lij, I can’t promise you that. What I can and do promise you is that I’ll be the kind of person your mom wanted you to love. One with integrity. And no matter where that leads us, I won’t falter.”
Elijah nodded. “That’s what I was afraid of.” He looked up into Sean’s eyes. “But it’s also exactly what I expected.”
~ End ~
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net )
Rating: PG
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Sean and Elijah have a conversation.
Time and Place: In Elijah’s NY apartment, not long after the ROTK premieres.
Feedback: I'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of satirical fantasy about public figures. It is completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in this work.
Author’s Note: Blessings on ladysunrope for her marvelous suggestions. Blessings also on my beloved princessofg for making this a much better story with her insightful beta work. This story is something of an experiment with dialogue. Hope you like it.
The Conversation
I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
'Til we're both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away
Peter Gabriel - Talk To Me
It was late. The New York night outside the windows of Elijah’s apartment was mild for January, cool and clear. They could have been on the balcony… but they weren’t
Sean sprawled on the couch fiddling with his cell phone. He’d been trying to figure out how to send text messages for two days now, but even with Elijah’s help, he hadn’t managed to get one through.
He felt something cold hit his hand and glanced up to see Elijah holding out a chilled and dripping glass. Sean reached for it gratefully. “Thanks,” he murmured, laying the cell aside. He sipped the champagne and smiled slowly. It felt almost as good as it tasted. He was ready to kick back a bit, the past few weeks had been grueling.
Elijah had settled, cross-legged, on the floor at his feet and was watching him steadily, sampling the golden liquid as he gazed. He drank as though he held a glass of soda, clutching the stem in his fist, taking long, sloppy slugs that left a wet line of champagne glistening along his upper lip.
Sean resisted the temptation to lean over and swipe at the wetness with his thumb. ‘Jesus,’ he thought. ‘I’ve spent thousands of hours looking at him. You’d think I’d be tired of it. But, I’m not. Never could be.’ He sighed and flicked his wet fingers toward Elijah’s face, laughing softly as the drops feathered across his cheeks.
“Hey!” Elijah protested, grinning. “So, how’s the champers?”
“Good,” Sean told him. “It’s so nice to just.. you know.. relax.”
Elijah nodded, studying his wine.
“What do you see in there?” Sean quizzed him with a grin.
Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. He lifted the glass to his lips and downed the wine in one swallow. “Not a thing.” He squirmed a bit and scooted closer to where Sean was perched on the edge of the couch.
“Sean?”
“Mmm.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“You know you can.”
Elijah shrugged. “Well, this question is a bit... oh, I dunno, unusual, I guess.”
Sean leaned back a bit and scrutinized him, his brow furrowed. “Well, now you HAVE to ask me. What is it?”
Elijah splayed his hands out in front of him, and for a long moment he looked down at them quizzically. He slowly drew his fingers into a fist, then opened them again.
“Elijah?” Sean asked quietly. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“Oh, no. No, no, no,” Elijah told him quickly, still staring at his hands. “It’s just.. “ He glanced up at Sean, his beautiful features twisting into an expression of doubt. “It’s just... an unusual question.”
Sean smirked at him, making Elijah smile. He leaned forward in a conspiratorial manner. “Umm, Elwood?”
Elijah punched at Sean’s leg, giggling, knowing what was coming. “OK. OK.”
Sean leaned closer and murmured. “We’ve already determined that the question is… uhmmm ‘unusual’.” He nodded sagely. “Time to… like... uh...” he waved his fingers as if motioning something forward. “... move on?”
Two blue eyes narrowed in his direction. “Prick.”
Sean leaned back on the couch, inhaling deeply. It was hard for him to relax. Even sitting still was tough for him at times. He was so driven to be doing, becoming, always seeking what he never quite found.
But… not here. Not now.
He gazed at Elijah for a count of two, savoring a deepening feeling of contentment. “Wussy-boy,” he murmured, watching the blue eyes slant as the grin hit his face.
“Fuck you, Astin!”
“Promises, promises,” Sean responded with a wink. “The question,” he prodded. “Elijah, ask the damn question.”
Elijah squirmed again,
“Ahh, fuck, Sean,” he muttered. “Maybe this was just a bad idea. Now that’s it’s come right down to it, I can’t ask you.” He shook his head, an expression of disgust twisting his features. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem… “
“… like a wuss?” Sean grinned.
Elijah glanced quickly up at him and scowled.
“Come on, Elwood,” Sean prompted, leaning forward. “Tell me.” He grasped Elijah’s wrists and tugged him closer, bending until their eyes were only inches apart. “Please, Lij,” he begged in a low whisper.
Elijah’s eyes widened slightly as Sean’s whisper invoked an aura of intimacy around them. His words were a flow of warm air over Elijah’s face, tightening his skin. Leaving him feeling how he supposed a drowning man would feel if one could drown in something close to… what? The word ‘bliss’ came, unbidden, into his mind, and he frowned.
His eyes focused on Sean’s hand as it enclosed his left wrist. His arm looked so small in Sean’s hand. Words came slowly. With difficulty. Elijah inhaled deeply. “Sean, I’m afraid to say it.”
Sean lifted his hand and rested it gently on Elijah’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed but he said nothing.
“I’m afraid you won’t like it,” Elijah muttered.
Again Sean said nothing. He placed both palms on Elijah’s shoulders and looked over Elijah’s head, thinking. Then their eyes locked again. “Lij, maybe the things I don’t like hearing are the things I most NEED to hear.” His hands moved on Elijah’s shoulders, shaking him gently. “You know?”
Elijah nodded slowly. “I know, Sean. But this… ,” He sighed, and shook himself in self disgust. “Ahhhh.. I’m a cunt. I shouldn’t have mentioned it unless I was sure I’d have the balls to actually follow through.”
He hands touched Sean’s arms, moving slowly from his wrists to his elbows and back again while they gazed into each other’s eyes.
“OK,” Elijah said decisively. “I’ll ask the question.” He dropped his head and took a short breath, then raised his eyes to Sean’s again.
“Have you ever wondered…” he began, and stopped.
Sean remained silent, but his hands squeezed Elijah’s neck reassuringly.
Elijah cleared his throat and shook himself briefly, as though trying to shake off his reluctance. “Have you ever wondered… ,” he began again. “What it would feel like… ,” he stopped again and looked up at Sean apprehensively.
Sean’s eyes had narrowed a bit. “What it would feel like… ,” he prompted.
“To kiss me,” Elijah finished quickly, almost running the words together in his haste.
Sean leaned back slowly.. looking over Elijah’s head, his brows raised. “To… ,” he started, then stopped, then started again. “… to kiss you,” he said quietly.
He looked down at Elijah quickly. “I HAVE kissed you!”
Elijah merely looked at him.
“Oh,” Sean said quietly. “You mean…,” he stopped again, then swallowed hard and continued. “… a real kiss.”
Elijah sighed. “I’m not asking you to DO it,” he said slowly. “Just asking if it ever crossed your mind. I mean… you know.. to wonder what it would feel like.”
Their eyes locked, then Elijah looked quickly away.
“I TOLD you it was a stupid question!” Elijah snapped. He threw Sean’s hands off his shoulders and started to scramble to his feet. “Why did you make me ask it?”
Sean refused the bait and snagged his arm, tugging hard, trying to drag Elijah back to the floor. “Would you wait a minute?” Sean asked gently. “Would you just please give me a second to think?”
“What’s to think about? It’s a simple yes or no question.” He tried to pull his arm from Sean’s grasp, but Sean hung on tight.
“Elijah,” Sean implored. “Sit down.” He tugged again. “Please.”
Elijah looked over his head, but Sean could see his clenched jaw and set lips.
“The answer is yes.”
“You’re lying,” Elijah mumbled.
“I’m not,” Sean said solidly. “Elijah, sit. Please. I’m not lying.”
Elijah dropped to his knees in front of the couch and looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Sean,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have called you a liar. I know you don’t lie to me.”
“I’m just not sure what you really want, Lij.”
Elijah shook his head. “I’m not either.”
Sean dropped his hands back onto Elijah’s shoulders. “Why did you ask me this?”
Elijah shrugged. “Sometimes we seem so close. I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally. I feel a sense of… intimacy that I've never felt before. It's almost overwhelming at times. Like… like no one else exists. When it’s like that… I think.. I.. I've thought… I’ve felt like… I mean I’ve uhhh.. said to myself: ‘He’s going to kiss me.’”
Sean’s hands rose and captured Elijah’s head between them. His thumbs moved in small, gentle circles, massaging his temples.
“And what would you have done if I had?” he asked.
His voice was warm and low. Elijah’s eyes started to close, losing himself again. Sinking into the same warm, soothing enchantment that he’d felt so many times with Sean. He forced his eyes open. “There! Like that! You just did it again.”
Sean laughed. “What? What did I do? Rub your temples?”
“You used that voice!” Elijah told him. “That… ‘Sean-voice. You’re using that intimate Sean-voice. Do you do that on purpose? That’s when I wonder if you’re going to kiss me.”
“Should I?”
“Should you?”
The thumbs stopped rubbing. The eyes took on an emerald glow. “Yeah. Should I?”
Elijah drew in a breath and opened his mouth to speak… but Sean beat him to it.
“Are we having THE conversation?” he half-whispered.
“Why not? You’re using THE voice,” Elijah pointed out.
Sean was silent for a moment, then, surprisingly, giggled. “Sorry.” He lifted his voice into a high falsetto “How’s this? Is this better?”
“Sean!” Elijah grumbled. He grabbed Sean’s wrists and pushed his hands down and away. “I actually wanted to have a semi-serious conversation here. One with some amount of meaning to me. But now…” He stood quickly and ducked away from Sean’s reaching arm. “I’m going to get some more wine,” he said tightly, taking his wineglass from the table. “You can just sit here and do… ,” He waved his hands in the air in disgust. “… whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing!”
Sean sighed, grabbed his glass, and followed Elijah into the kitchen. He was standing beside the counter pouring himself more champagne when Sean walked up and held out his glass. Elijah silently poured for him, then stared down at his half-empty wineglass while Sean sipped.
“Lij,” Sean began. “I never meant to… ,”
“Well, fuck this!” Elijah interrupted. He opened the cupboard next to his head, pulled out a large water tumbler and gazed at it, nodding approvingly. “Now THAT’S more like it!” He dumped the contents of his wineglass into the tumbler, then filled it to the brim with champagne.
“Jeez, Lij,” Sean said quietly. “Do you think you should… ,”
Elijah picked the tumbler up and walked toward the living room before Sean could finish. He turned at the door and glanced back. “You coming?” he asked irritably.
For a moment there was silence. “No,” Sean drawled finally. “But the night’s young and I still have hope.”
Elijah fell slowly forward against the door-jam, laughing helplessly. “OK. OK,” he squeaked, glancing at Sean who winked as he passed. “You got me.”
Sean sat back on the couch, and watched as Elijah moved some distance away before re-perching on the floor.
“Lij?” Sean asked quietly.
Elijah looked up.
Sean crooked his finger. “C’mere.”
Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. “Nope. I’m happy right here.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Elijah. Please?”
Elijah’s head was still shaking. “Uh uh,” he said, sipping his wine.
“You punishing me?”
“You feel punished?” Elijah snapped.
“Yes. I do,” Sean told him seriously.
Now it was Elijah’s turn to roll his eyes. Shaking his head and donning his most ‘put upon’ expression, he scooted across the floor to Sean’s feet. He sat his tumbler of champagne on the carpet and spread his arms out, looking up at Sean. “OK. I’m here. Now what?”
Sean silently held out his hand.
“What?”
Sean’s hand extended further.
“Oh, fer’ fuck’s sake… ,” Elijah sputtered. He sighed dramatically and placed his hand in Sean’s.
“Now what?” Elijah asked, looking up into Sean’s eyes.
“Grab your bubbly,” Sean said, grasping Elijah’s hand tightly.
Elijah grabbed his tumbler, and was immediately hauled to his feet, and onto the couch beside Sean.
“Fuck's sake, Astin!” Elijah spouted, trying not to laugh. “Ya, could’a spilled my champers!”
“I’d have gotten you some more,” Sean said, slipping his arm around Elijah’s shoulders. He tugged, pulling Elijah close to him. Then turned half sideways, his arm still draped over his friend.
“OK,” he said softly. “I gather this is more important than I thought. So I apologize for goofing around.”
Elijah started to speak, but Sean held up one finger, asking him to wait.
“Your question made me feel self-conscious, and that, in turn made me want to joke about it.”
Elijah nodded. “I can understand that.”
Sean sighed and wrapped his hand around the back of Elijah’s neck. Elijah tried not to smile, but failed. The hand on his neck felt huge. And warm. Very warm.
“Lij?” Sean asked softly.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you want to have this conversation?”
Sean’s thumb was moving. Rubbing softly just under Elijah’s ear, touching his ear lobe with a gentle caress every time it moved. Elijah looked up and into his eyes. There was no humor there now. No irony. He looked totally absorbed in what they were saying.
“Yeah,” Elijah said. “I do.”
Sean nodded slowly and pulled Elijah toward him. He bent his head and pressed their foreheads together gently. Then he backed away.
“OK, Elwood. Whatever you want.” He was silent for a moment, then spoke softly: “Have I ever wondered what it would feel like to kiss you.” His thumb moved under Elijah’s ear again. His eyes were focused beyond Elijah, to the wall in back of him.
Elijah was silent.
“Yes. I’ve… thought about it.”
“Yeah?” Elijah breathed.
Sean’s head fell forward. All Elijah could see was the top of his head, so he cupped Sean’s chin and tried to tilt his face up. But Sean grabbed his hand and pushed it away.
“I don’t know if I can say this while I’m looking at you,” he murmured.
Elijah nodded. “OK, Sean. Say it without looking at me.”
Sean’s head dropped again, and Elijah let it fall. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Sean’s soft, wavy hair. It smelled like a Spring day, clean and fresh. He pressed his face against the silken curls, rubbing them against his cheek and when Sean sighed he felt a stab of guilt hit his chest.
“Sean?” he said quietly, trying to tip Sean’s face up again. “Sean, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer.”
Sean refused to lift his head. “No,” he murmured. “I'll answer.”
Elijah said nothing, but kept his face pressed to Sean’s curls.
“I feel afraid, Elijah,” he said softly.
“Afraid when you think of it?”
“Yes. Afraid.”
“Why that of all things? I thought maybe disgusted. Or offend…”
“No!” he said vehemently. He lifted his head and looked directly into Elijah’s eyes. “I would not feel disgusted! Or offended.”
“I thought maybe you wouldn’t like it.”
Sean surprised him by smiling. Then surprised him further by leaning in and kissing his brow. “Lij, my problem with thinking about us kissing ISN’T that I think I wouldn’t like it.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Soooo… ,” Elijah prompted.
“So… what IS the problem?” Sean asked.
“Uh.. yeah. Well… what are you afraid of?”
Sean drew a deep sigh. “Well… I-i-i-eee uhh…” he stopped, his face wrinkled as if in pain. “I mean I… ,” he began, then stopped again. "I’m afraid that if I started kissing you… really kissing you… that stopping would be… hard. Sean told him finally, the words rushing out of his throat in a hoarse whisper. His head immediately dropped again. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad? Why would I be mad? We need to… ”
“All this GAY shit you’ve been through!” Sean interrupted, pushing Elijah’s hands down. “All these idiotic rumors? I know how much it’s bothered you! I know how upset you’ve been by it. Then I have THOSE kind of feelings for you? God I make myself… ,” He shook his head and gestured frantically with his arms. “Ahhhhh, God… I… I make myself sick!”
Elijah grabbed his wrists and forced his arms down. “Stop it!”
Sean was shaking his head. “I’m a creep. A creep!”
Elijah pressed his hand to Sean’s mouth. “Jesus! Would you fucking stop?” he half-yelled.
Sean looked at him, his eyes filled with misery.
“What? You’re a creep? And…,” Elijah grinned and poked him gently in the ribs, unable to resist quoting "Radiohead". “What? I’m so fuckin’ special?”
Sean didn’t smile. He sighed and turned away. “Not funny.”
“No,” Elijah said. “I suppose not. But I have to tell you, of all the things you've said to me tonight, that's the one thing that SHOULD make me angry!”
Sean’s head nodded as it dropped into his hands. “It’s been that kind’a night.”
“How could you compare what you and I feel toward each other to the ridiculous fucking rumors being spread around on the Internet by people who don’t even KNOW us!”
Sean raised his head and glanced sideways. “Lij, I… ,”
“How could you do that? You know how much I hate that stuff, Sean. You know what I think of people who discuss my private life that way. And now you’re comparing them to US?”
Sean shrugged his shoulders. “Lij, I’m sorry. I… I guess I just… ,” he shrugged again then sighed and shook his head in defeat. “I’m just sorry. You’re right, and I’m just sorry.”
Elijah grinned. Sean’s head was down and his broad shoulders were hunched. He ran his fingers through Sean’s hair, pressing hard on his scalp. “Afraid you couldn’t stop?” he asked gently.
Sean’s head lifted enough to shoot Elijah a sheepish glance, blushing furiously. “You did ask,” he pointed out.
“Afraid you couldn’t stop, Sean! That’s so awesomely sweet!”
“Elijah!”
“Well it IS, Sean,” he insisted. “Still my Samwise. Still protecting me, even from yourself." He carded his fingers through Sean's hair. "I think you’re exaggerating though. I doubt you’d have any trouble stopping.”
Sean stared into his eyes without saying a word. He was chewing on the inside of his lower lip and his eyes were narrowed. Three seconds of the silent staring was all Elijah could take.
“What?” he erupted. “What are you thinking?”
“You’re wrong,” Sean said quietly.
“About… Oh. About… stopping.” He looked at Sean with a doubtful expression twisting his features. “Really?”
Sean turned away quickly and made a grab for his cell phone. “Show me again how to do text messages on this. I can’t believe I’m having so much trouble with it.”
“Sean!”
“What, Elijah? Do we need to talk about this anymore? You have your answer. I feel bad enough about all this as it is. I wish I'd never started talking about it.” He thrust the cell phone at Elijah as though it were on fire. “Show me again!”
Elijah took the phone and set it gently on the table. “Sean. Stop. I was kidding about being mad. I tease too much at times. I just wanted you to stop being so harsh with yourself.”
Sean silently examined his hands.
“Sean, does it really… worry you?” Elijah put his hand on Sean’s back and moved it in a circular motion.
“Elijah! Of course it worries me! Jesus!”
“The… uh.. ‘gay shit’?” Elijah asked, smiling gently.
Sean turned to him. “My god, Elijah, it’s not funny. I hate myself for how I feel about you at times.”
Elijah’s hand fell from Sean’s back. He leaned back, frowning, his fists clenched against the pain that reverberated through his body. He felt his eyes sting. “Hate yourself?”
“Lij…”
“Do you know how bad that makes me feel?” He didn’t want Sean to see the tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t turn away. “Jesus, Sean. Should I hate myself for how I feel about YOU? Do you see those feelings as… wrong somehow?”
Stunned, Sean’s eyes flew open. “Oh god, Lij! That’s not what I meant!”
Elijah sighed. “Sounded like you did. Like you think having gay feelings for me is… a bad thing.”
“It’s not that at all!” Sean cried, seizing Elijah’s shoulders roughly and pulling him into a tight hug. “I just don’t know what to do!”
Elijah wrapped his arms around Sean’s body, rocking him gently.
“Shhhh,” he soothed. “It’s OK. You don’t have to do anything. God,
I'm sorry. This is all my fault, Seanie.”
Sean mumbled against Elijah’s shirt. “How could my feelings be your
fault?”
Elijah cupped Sean’s face in his hands, trying to lift his head. “Because I WANT you to want to kiss me, and try to tease you into it by doing things I know you find… seductive. Because it doesn’t bother me that I want to kiss you, and I forget that you feel differently. Because I wouldn't mind exploring that side of our relationship, and though I know you probably don't want to, I talk about it anyway because it feels good.” He finally managed to lift Sean’s bowed head and peeked into his eyes. “How’s that?”
Sean swallowed hard. “I - god, Lij. You really feel that way?”
Elijah nodded. “Yeah. I do. And furthermore, it doesn't bother me one fucking iota.” He sighed gently and pressed his forehead against Sean’s. "I wish you felt the same.”
Sean sighed softly. "Not much chance of that, Doodle. There’s just too much at stake."
“I know.”
Sean shook his head, then sat back suddenly, catching his breath. “Elijah! Tell me something.”
Surprised, Elijah blinked. “OK. What?”
Sean captured Elijah’s hands in his. “I think about being…”
“Gay?” Elijah asked, squeezing Sean’s hands and trying not to smile.
“Well, yeah,” Sean replied. “I mean… I don’t really worry about it. More like… wonder about it. It’s not like I haven’t felt… I mean - I HAVE felt... Jesus, Lij, you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” Elijah said with a grin. “Tell me!”
Sean glowered at him. “Stop.”
Elijah considered for a moment. “I don’t think you’re gay, Sean. Bi, maybe. Maybe just…," he hesitated, then grinned. "Hetero-flexible?”
"Hetero-flexible," Sean growled scornfully. “Spare me the massive rationalizations.”
“But, it’s not," Elijah protested. "You’re mostly straight…” Elijah’s grin widened. “With one noteworthy exception.”
“Mostly straight,” Sean muttered sarcastically. “C'mon, Elijah.”
“How many other guys do you wanna shag?” Elijah shot back.
“Didn’t say I wanted to shag YOU,” Sean replied, a brief smile
softening his face. “We were talking about a KISS here, remember?”
Elijah opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. “OK,” he whispered,
blushing. “You’re right, Sean. I’m projecting.”
They were silent for a moment, then Elijah spoke quietly. “My mom knew I was gay before I did.” He grinned at Sean’s surprised look. “Yeah. And she was always open enough about it that when I finally understood what I was feeling, she’s the person I turned to. I’ve never really seen myself as wrong or bad because of her acceptance.”
Sean thought about his relationship with his own mother, and smiled. “God, Lij, that’s amazing.”
Elijah nodded, taking Sean’s hand in his. “She told me that a person’s gender didn’t matter when I fell in love. That in many ways it was the least important aspect of any relationship. But that it DID matter that I loved with integrity. It mattered that the one I love have integrity, and it mattered that my love for them was expressed with integrity.”
Sean hesitated, wondering if he really wanted to hear the answer, then spoke falteringly. “Lij, have you had many… relationships?”
Elijah smiled. “I’ve had a couple lovers. One guy I met while I was shooting ‘The Faculty’” He hesitated for a moment, then continued. “One I met on the Lord of the Rings set, and no, I won’t tell you who it was.”
Sean grimaced, but nodded at the same time. “OK. Fair enough.”
He lowered his head for a moment, then spoke softly. “It would have been nice if the first guy I’d ever kissed had been you.”
Sean stared at him silently, his heart pounding. “Listen,” he said quietly. “Let me tell you something about me that you might not know.”
Elijah nodded.
“All my life I’ve had this… empty feeling. This big hole inside me.” He thought for a moment, his thumbs brushing across the back of Elijah’s hands. “I’ve thrown a lot of things into that hole trying to fill it. Trying to make that empty feeling go away. Because… it hurts.”
He glanced up. “You know?”
Elijah nodded again, feeling his eyes smart. Sean didn’t usually let anyone see this deep inside him. He was careful to wear a smiling mask that covered over the kind of emotional openness that could crack his heart. Sean was honest to a fault…intellectually. But only rarely did this honestly extend to his feelings. He didn't like feeling that vulnerable. Elijah knew that. This was new, this access to the inner reaches of Sean's heart, and Elijah listened, spellbound.
“I threw work into that hole. Money. Family. Thought if I got married… that would fill it. Thought if I had a kid… THAT would fill it. Got involved with politics. Thought THAT would fill it." Sean sighed. " I bought things. Did things. Wanted things." He shook his head. “But… nothing filled it, Elijah. That empty feeling never went away.”
He glanced up again, then lowered his head and stared at their joined hands. “It just hurt me. All the time.” He stopped… and seemed to think for a moment. “And… it made me feel like a failure. Because nothing I ever did or had was enough. And I'd constantly kid myself into believing that whatever I was currently obsessing over would be IT. Would be the one thing that gave me peace." He hesitated still staring at Elijah's hands clasped in his own. "But… it never was."
“Then…,” Sean said, quietly. “I met you, Elijah.” He lifted his head and peeked at Elijah then lowered it again. “You.”
Elijah lifted his hand and ran it through Sean’s hair. The smarting in his eyes had turned into burning. His throat ached unbearably. “Sean,” he choked.
“I dunno,” Sean said, laughing quietly. “I’ve never had a clue what to call it, Elijah. Maybe it was too simple for me. I wanted it to be complex and difficult. A deep psychological mystery. Something I had to wrestle with. Figure out. Unravel. When all the time it was simply that I fell in love. I wonder now if I've ever been in love with anyone else. I don't know how else to understand it, Elijah.” He leaned into Elijah’s hand, feeling as though he was dissolving from the inside out. Hoping that hand could catch him. Save him from disappearing.
“I do know that when I'm with you, the emptiness is gone. I lack for nothing." He stared up, quickly, into Elijah's eyes, pulling Elijah's hand back into his own. "I don’t give a damn what anyone wants to label it. But, Jesus… I was afraid to say anything. Afraid to do anything. I wasn’t afraid of what it said about my sexual orientation. Could have cared less about that. I was afraid of the impact it would have on my life. On my family.” He shook his head, mindlessly clutching at Elijah's hands with both of his. "But, oh god, Lij, that wasn't the worst of it."
"Tell me," Elijah breathed.
Sean nodded silently. When he next spoke his voice was hesitant. "I was afraid that talking about this stuff or even THINKING about this stuff, would somehow cause me to fuck up our friendship." He shook his head, his voice breaking. "I simply could not have borne it if I'd done that, Elijah."
"Never happen," Elijah reassured him, holding his hands tight. "Sean that's just not a possibility."
Sean shrugged. "So you say, Elwood." He released Elijah's hands and leaned back on the sofa. "And maybe that's true."
"Maybe?"
"Elijah, I've seen times in the past four years when that last thing you wanted or could have dealt from me was a declaration of big gay love. You had enough 'gay' going on in your life."
Elijah's eyes narrowed. "Sean, you're doing it again."
“Doing what?” He asked, his eyes suddenly twinkling. “Taking 20 minutes to say what you said in 20 seconds?”
Elijah remained silent and Sean sighed. "There are other considerations."
Elijah nodded. "I understand that, Sean. I'm not asking you for anything."
"What?" Sean queried in disbelief. "Elijah, this entire conversation is asking me for something. Even if all it's asking me for is a confession."
"Sean, we can talk about this."
"We've BEEN talking about it. I'm not any less anxious, or any more
convinced that it's a good idea."
"Sean," Elijah said softly. "We can talk about this."
"And accomplish what?" Sean asked.
"Accomplish being emotionally honest with each other if nothing else," Elijah said. "I don't know how we can even call ourselves close friends, while we're ignoring the huge pink Oliphaunt sitting in the middle of the room."
Sean shot him a glance.
"I thought we had agreed on that, Sean. That we'd always be honest with each other."
"I AM honest with you!" Sean said. "I've never lied to you about this, Elijah."
"Oh, I get it. Omissions don't count, huh?" He glowered at Sean. "That's your definition of honestly? NOW who's handing out massive rationalizations!"
Sean stared into his friend's face, struggling for calm. "You're right," he said finally. "God, I know you're right. It's just that… I'm not used to dealing with powerful emotions. I'm used to burying them. I'm not used to thinking of them as 'safe'. To me… the more powerful my feelings for you grew, the more they frightened me. "
Elijah nodded. "I understand, Sean. But…" he grinned suddenly. "You've been outed. You know now. We both know the way the other one feels. You can't go back to not knowing. And… neither can I. No more pink Oliphaunt."
Sean looked at Elijah, his hazel eyes glowing with compassion. "Lij," Sean half-whispered. "I have to tell Chris. If omissions are wrong for us, aren't they just as wrong for her? What do I say to her now that I've been… outed?"
Suddenly frightened, Elijah grabbed his arm. “Sean, wait.”
Sean shook his head. "Suppressed feelings are easy to rationalize. I could call them something else. Be as affectionate with you as I wanted to be because we were 'just friends'. Now what do I do?"
Elijah choked. "God, Seanie, I never meant…"
"I know, baby. You wanted us to be open with each other, and you’re right to want that. But now… how do I explain to HER? What do I say when she asks me why I look at you the way I do? What do I say when she asks me if I'm in love with you?"
"Say 'no'," Elijah breathed.
"Lie?" Sean queried.
"YES, lie!" Elijah thundered. "Of COURSE, lie!" He ran his hands through his dark hair almost desperately. "Jesus, Sean! There's nothing noble about a truth whose only purpose is to hurt someone! What other purpose would it serve? You're not about to leave her… so why tell her? To spare YOU from having to think of yourself as a guy who told his wife a lie? What else IS there? We're not lovers. There's nothing to tell."
"But Lij," Sean responded in a low, quiet voice. "I WANT us to be lovers."
Elijah smiled slowly. "So do I. But we're not." His grin broadened. "Hell, I didn't even get that kiss we talked about. And you need to be careful using that warm, flirty voice with me. I tend to take it seriously."
Sean glanced at him. "I LIKE using that warm, flirty voice with you. I like the feeling of intimacy it creates." He lowered his head, but not before Elijah had seen the unhappiness in his face.
"Sean, please keep your mouth shut to Chris. You're entitled to have private feelings that you only share with me. What's the point to telling her? Neither of us is ready for that kind of move." He grabbed Sean's arm. "You're NOT, are you?"
Sean turned to face Elijah. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to say 'no' to that question?"
Elijah silently stared at him, his hand reaching blindly to touch Sean's face. "I know," he whispered. "Hurts me to hear it, but it's the right thing for you to say for now. I know that too."
Sean sighed. "I feel like Sam. Torn between Frodo and Rosie. Jesus, Elijah. This whole thing is monumentally life changing. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. Makes me do and say stupid things at times."
Elijah's smile was warm as his thumbs caressed Sean’s cheekbones. “We’re both frightened. We feel that way because we’re decent people! We don’t want anyone hurt on account of us. Hard for me to feel bad about that, Sean. It’s a lot of the reason why I love you. You’re a decent guy.”
Sean felt his chest tighten. “Lij…,” he whispered.
"We can do this, Sean. And we can do it without having a 'Grey Havens' in our lives."
Sean stared at him silently.
"Can't we?" Elijah asked quietly, and Sean was suddenly blindsided by how young he was. Oh, he'd grown up, no question. He wasn't the kid that Sean had met and grown to love in New Zealand. But now, in this moment of emotional truth between them, Sean saw his innocence, his inexperience, his unconditional belief in Sean's love… and his fear.
Sean shook his head, feeling love for Elijah overwhelm him. "Jesus, Elijah. This is bullshit."
He reached up quickly and took Elijah's face into his two hands and pulled him slowly forward until their lips were pressed together. Elijah's gasp opened his mouth under Sean's and for a long time the only sounds in the room were quick inhalations and tiny, whimpering moans of pleasure.
Sean finally leaned back, releasing Elijah's face, his head lowered.
"Oh my god," Elijah breathed. He glanced up as Sean lifted his head, expecting to see his features twisted with sadness or self recrimination. Instead, he looked into the smiling face of beatific joy. Sean's eyes shown with a rapturous light. He was biting his lower lip. "Sean?" Elijah queried. "What…"
Sean's hands captured Elijah's faced and drew him in for another slow, lingering kiss. When he released Elijah he laughed out loud.
"My god!" Elijah choked, struggling for breath. "You're laughing?"
"Is THAT was I was so afraid of?" Sean asked, grinning. "Elijah!" he cried. "Oh my god, Elijah!"
Elijah laughed out loud. "What! Tell me! Jesus, you're a crazy person! What!"
Sean grabbed him and hugged him tight. He pressed his mouth to Elijah's ear and took a deep breath. "I'm happy," he whispered in wonder. "I've never felt this kind of joy before. Except…" he leaned back and looked at Elijah. "Except maybe when the girls were born."
"I'm totally happy to take a back seat to the girls," Elijah grinned, his arms around Sean's neck. "Would you mind telling me though, what exactly is happening here? Is this a prelude to us being lovers? Is this a beginning? An end? What's going on?"
Sean shrugged happily. "I dunno. Hell, took me four years to get this far!" He peered into Elijah's eyes. "But.. do you suppose I could have another kiss?"
Elijah laughed, softly. "Greedy bastard, aren’t you!"
"Hey, It's research!" Sean protested, locking both arms around Elijah's waist. "You know… so I can answer your questions." He drew Elijah close. "I'm happy, Lij" Sean murmured. "I'm just so happy."
"Well, god knows, I'm glad to hear it," Elijah said. "Jesus, I can hardly believe it though, Sean. I expected a lot of reactions from you if this ever happened… but not this one."
Sean's lips moved slowly up the long slope of Elijah's throat, smiling as Elijah gasped, overwhelmed by the joy he felt. "Mmmm... Lijah, my Lijah," he crooned softly. "You think you're surprised!" He let his tongue skim gently over pale, firm skin… then whispered against it: 'You ought to be inside MY skin!"
Elijah pushed him back gently. "Sean, what IS this? What's happening here? Where is this going?"
Sean pulled Elijah back against his body. "My god, you feel so GOOD!" He quickly pulled Elijah down until they were lying side-by-side on the couch. "Where's it going?" he echoed, leaning back to look into Elijah's eyes. "I told you. I don't know."
Elijah opened his mouth to speak.
"Shhhh," Sean whispered. "Hush. Just hush for a second. Don't talk. Just let me hold you."
He pulled Elijah's body tight against his, touching down their entire length. "Oh god, Elijah, nothing ever felt this good before. Nothing. No one. Not ever. I didn't know anything COULD feel this good." He pressed his face against Elijah's throat in amazement feeling a rapture that was nearly mindless.
He kissed Elijah's cheek. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured. "I didn't mean to cut you off. I just needed to feel this. I just needed to hold you. I didn't know how much I needed it 'til I felt you this close to me."
Elijah nodded. "I know."
"Can we just… lie here?" Sean asked. "Can we just be here together? Just… do this? Just let me hold you?"
Elijah nodded.
"And then," Sean continued. "In an hour or so, ask me again where it's going? Maybe by then I'll be more coherent."
Elijah laughed softly against Sean's shirt. "Coherent’s never been your strong suit, but…” he pretended to ponder. “… you’ve got a deal."
Sean looked down at his face. "So beautiful," he breathed. "Now I know what Sam meant."
Elijah smiled and stroked Sean's hair. "What? What are you talking about?"
Sean's eyes were soft, and filled with love. "Sam was watching Frodo sleep when they stopped to eat the stewed rabbits. He was thinking how beautiful Frodo was… how he had a light that glowed from the inside out. He'd seen the light when Frodo was asleep and recovering in Rivendell. He could see it again now. And he said: "I love him. He's like that and sometimes it shines through. But I love him whether or no."
His hand cupped Elijah's face and he leaned closer. "He saw Frodo's spirit. Just like I see yours."
Elijah's chest was too tight with feeling to permit words. He hoped that his echoing touch down Sean's cheek spoke of his love and joy. He hoped Sean understood.
Sean's head bent lower, and his lips pressed softly against Elijah's once again. "Breathe," he whispered. "Breathe, Elijah. Please."
Elijah drew in a long, shaky breath, then exhaled slowly. He felt Sean inhale at the same time, taking Elijah's breath into his body, and Elijah's eyes burned with sudden tears. He felt the touch of Sean's lips on his. The most gentle touch Elijah had ever known. And yet, it conveyed so much hunger that Elijah gasped, his body aching.
"Sean," he whimpered. "Stop. Please. We need time to think and I can't think when we're like this."
Sean nodded and pressed his lips against Elijah's shirt, moaning softly. "I don't want to think… but I will if you say we need to." He gathered Elijah closer, pressing their bodies tight together. His eyes slowly closed. Elijah’s nearness was overwhelming. Sean was drowning. Suffocating. He hadn’t known that joy like this was possible for him, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Let me have this. I don’t really care if this is all I ever have. Just don’t take this away from me and I’ll be happy."
Elijah's eyes were bright and his voice cracked when he spoke. "LET you have it?" His hand grasped a handful of Sean's shirt. "You think I don’t want this as much as you do?" He gasped suddenly in remembrance. "God! We have a 'thing' tomorrow night don't we!"
Sean kissed his cheek. "Yeah," he murmured. "A screening I think. At… where the hell was it! Lincoln Center, I think."
"Mmmm," Elijah murmured. "Well, once we get there, we should probably make a vow not to look at each other."
Sean giggled. "You're probably right, but frankly, Mr. Frodo, I don't see it happening." He nuzzled Elijah's face. "Makes me happy to look at you. Always has."
Elijah snuggled, against Sean's shoulder. "Well, it's no big deal," he murmured. "I doubt anyone'll notice anything anyway."
Sean nodded agreement, and then giggled. "By the way, thanks for asking the question, Lij. The answer proved to be very enlightening."
Elijah poked his ribs… hard. "No problem, Seanwise. Happy to be of service.” He sighed softly. “Sean, please promise me you’ll lie to Chris.”
Sean was silent for a long moment, his hands moving slowly over Elijah’s back. Then he took a deep breath. “Lij, I can’t promise you that. What I can and do promise you is that I’ll be the kind of person your mom wanted you to love. One with integrity. And no matter where that leads us, I won’t falter.”
Elijah nodded. “That’s what I was afraid of.” He looked up into Sean’s eyes. “But it’s also exactly what I expected.”
~ End ~