SG1 Fic - Knock Out (The Please Don't Hurt 'Em Hammer Remix) (PG-13, Gen)
Title: Knock Out (The Please Don't Hurt 'Em Hammer Remix)
Summary: In which everyone gets hammered, nailed, and screwed.
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Pairing/Genre: Gen
Spoilers: Enemy Mine
Word Count: 1,720
Remix of: Screwed by linnet_101.
A/N: Thanks to the ever wonderful smittywing for betaing, and helping with the title, because I just had to involve MC Hammer.
"Only SG-1," Colonel Edwards grumbled as he walked down the hall to the conference room to find out what had happened this time. He had been happily in the middle of a piece of key lime pie when when he had gotten the call from General Hammond that there was a containment situation down at the labs.
General Hammond hadn't said what the situation involved, just that SG-1 needed their help. It was always SG-1. Not that he didn't respect and Jack O'Neill and his team, he really did. They did a fine job protecting the galaxy. They just always got into so much darn trouble doing it.
Then again, he wasn't really one to talk. He'd had a minor interplanetary dispute on his last mission, and Doctor Jackson had saved their collective bacon.
He pulled himself out of his thoughts when he reached the conference room door. Major Lorne was standing there waiting for him. The Major opened the door for him and gave a brisk "Sir," before following him into the room. The rest of SG-11, along with SG's 2, 3, 5, and 15 were already crowded in the room. Whatever happened must be a doozy, because every team that was on base was present. He took a seat next to Colonel Reynolds.
"All right people, settle down, we have a rather serious containment breach on the base. A short while ago Major Carter and Doctor Jackson were testing an artifact in the labs when the artifact started glowing and they, well, they turned into screws. Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c, and six marines responded to the initial distress call and were also turned into screws."
"I'm sorry, sir, did you just say they were turned into screws?" Colonel Edwards couldn't mask the shock and disbelief in voice. They saw a lot of crazy stuff around the SGC, but people literally turning into tools was a new one.
"Yes, Colonel, this is not a joke or a drill. Right now we have the problem contained but we have no idea if the affliction will spread. So far only SG-1 and six marines have been converted. Doctor Lee and his team are reviewing the surveillance video, but I'm afraid I cannot let them near the device. Thankfully, everyone who has been converted seems to be mentally intact and capable of communication, but without appendages, there isn't much they can do." General Hammond shook his head a bit as he finished talking.
"Sir!" Sergeant Harriman walked into the room. "Doctor Lee has detected a low level energy field just outside the contained area. He suggests we expand the area another two levels and evacuate all non essential personnel."
"Agreed. Sergeant, go with Colonel Reynolds and contact all off-world teams and tell them to go to the alpha site. Colonel Edwards, take your team plus SG's 3, 5, and 15 to help with the base evacuation. Once everyone is out, I want the base quarantined. Go!" General Hammond ended the meeting and walked into his office.
Aside from the usual hiccups that went with any military operation, they had the base cleared in less than three hours. Which was rather fortuitous as thirty minutes later, Doctor Felger accidentally caused a power spike in the device, (how he managed to do that from a level up was beyond comprehension) which converted everyone on that level, and those above and below. Most notably, Major Lorne had turned into a small allen wrench, Doctor Lee into a washer, and Doctor Felger into a can of WD-40. The machine seemed to have no rhyme or reason for the conversion, at least that he could figure out. Felger was a bit greasy, but that didn't explain all of SG-1 turning into screws. Major Lorne as a allen wrench was also a bit nonsensical.
One week later, almost 75% of the personnel who stayed behind had been converted. General Hammond was a wingnut, Sergeant Siler was a big wrench (which Edwards personally found hilarious), Sergeant Harriman was, ironically, a megaphone, which Edwards didn't really think was a tool, but they still hadn't found a method to the device's madness.
The only person still finding humor with the situation was Colonel O'Neill. Edwards didn't think the man would ever run out of puns, double entendres, and bad jokes. Thankfully, no one had turned into a screwdriver yet, so they were saved those jokes.
Those who hadn't been converted knew it was only a matter of time. They weren't sure how the device worked, but the conversion field was getting bigger and bigger. Everyone was working around the clock - it turned out that sentient tools didn't need to eat, sleep, or take breaks. Granted they also didn't have eyes, ears, mouths, or appendages. There were bets going around that when everyone finally converted back, they would be naked. (He was pretty sure O'Neill was behind that pool.)
Even if the unconverted had wanted to leave (they didn't) once General Hammond had been converted, the President had ordered the base sealed off. The scientists at Area 52 had found a way to stop the device from spreading beyond the base, but it only worked on the surface. No one could leave the base because they weren't sure what would happen if a person walked through the shield. Senator Kinsey had been trying to get the base blown up for days, as his 'containment solution'. Edwards had never had a personal issue with Kinsey before but he knew O'Neill didn't didn't like him, and now Edwards knew why. The man was slimy. At least the president had disagreed, and they more time to figure it all out.
Two weeks later when he was hopping around the base on his long handle he was almost hoping for an explosion. Not that he wanted to die, and he most definitely did not want to die as a hammer, but he couldn't take it anymore! He missed his lips and ears and thumbs and eating and sleeping and . . . other parts he had grown rather fond of over the years.
Major Carter had tried everything someone shaped like a screw could try (he had heard a few stories of her falling over and having some issues getting back up. General Hammond had assigned Colonel Reynolds to stay with her - he had turned into tongs and was rather helpful to have around) and everyone was going crazy. Even O'Neill was running out jokes.
General Hammond had taken to organizing the base like his tool box, sorting everyone out in case Carter needed someone, but that had only been amusing for about 10 hours.
Three weeks later he knew he was going to die as a hammer. If hammers could even die. Or he would rust. He never thought about rusting before - it probably wouldn't be a pleasant feeling experience.
"Edwards!" He heard O'Neill shout his name across the room. "I've hit upon a solution to this problem. We need you to knock some sense into it." Edwards winced (as much as a hammer could wince) at the bad puns, but he figured out where O'Neill was going with them. He was the only hammer, and they hadn't tried breaking the device yet.
"I'm up for anything at this point, O'Neill. Will Carter go along with it?"
"As screwed as we are at this point, I don't think we'll need to hammer her to hard to get her to go along."
"Isn't the pun thing getting a bit old?" Edwards started hopping behind O'Neill who was shuffling out of the room.
"Yeah, but at this point, I've spent three weeks making bad puns! I'm not stopping now."
Six hours later, Edwards and O'Neill hopped and shuffled their way to the door of the lab.
"I’ve found a solution." O'Neill stated as he shuffled in the room first.
"Sir?" Carter was leaning against a filing cabinet. He hadn't really thought about it, but he was lucky he had a flat base. He wasn't exactly coordinated so he probably would have fallen over a lot if he hadn't been flat.
"You might not like it."
"At this point, I’m willing to try anything."
"Good. Colonel Edwards from SG-11 has volunteered." He wriggled forward, letting Edwards through the door. Edwards hadn't seen Carter since he was changed, but he was pretty sure Doctor Jackson was keeping her apprised of all the changes and who was what.
"You have got to be kidding me, sir." Yeah, he hadn't thought she would go for this idea.
"It’s the tried and tested way, Carter. If it won’t work - hit it."
"Are you sure Colonel?" The screw that was Carter swiveled toward him.
"Yes, Major. I am sure."
"Alright then. I've got nothing better."
Well, that had been surprisingly easy. Edwards hopped over to the device and positioned himself in front of it. He really hoped this worked. He also hoped the pool was wrong and they would all have their clothing on when they changed back. It would be damned embarrassing for him to lose his clothing in front of Major Carter. He mentally readied himself and fell forward onto the device. He felt it crack and the liquid spilled out, and then the world went black.
"Edwards! Wake up!" He heard O'Neill shouting before he saw him. He also heard something that sounded a lot like laughter. His head was pounding so he raised his hand - his hand he had hands!
"It worked?" He croaked out, his shook his head a bit trying to focus his eyes. He saw Carter standing off the side laughing so hard tears were running down her face and O'Neill was standing next to him.
"Yup. You certainly nailed it. Now off to the infirmary we go!" Edwards let O'Neill help him up and they started walking toward the infirmary. He could still hear Carter laughing as they walked away.
"Only SG-1." Edwards winced a bit. He was going to need aspirin. A lot of it.
Summary: In which everyone gets hammered, nailed, and screwed.
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Pairing/Genre: Gen
Spoilers: Enemy Mine
Word Count: 1,720
Remix of: Screwed by linnet_101.
A/N: Thanks to the ever wonderful smittywing for betaing, and helping with the title, because I just had to involve MC Hammer.
"Only SG-1," Colonel Edwards grumbled as he walked down the hall to the conference room to find out what had happened this time. He had been happily in the middle of a piece of key lime pie when when he had gotten the call from General Hammond that there was a containment situation down at the labs.
General Hammond hadn't said what the situation involved, just that SG-1 needed their help. It was always SG-1. Not that he didn't respect and Jack O'Neill and his team, he really did. They did a fine job protecting the galaxy. They just always got into so much darn trouble doing it.
Then again, he wasn't really one to talk. He'd had a minor interplanetary dispute on his last mission, and Doctor Jackson had saved their collective bacon.
He pulled himself out of his thoughts when he reached the conference room door. Major Lorne was standing there waiting for him. The Major opened the door for him and gave a brisk "Sir," before following him into the room. The rest of SG-11, along with SG's 2, 3, 5, and 15 were already crowded in the room. Whatever happened must be a doozy, because every team that was on base was present. He took a seat next to Colonel Reynolds.
"All right people, settle down, we have a rather serious containment breach on the base. A short while ago Major Carter and Doctor Jackson were testing an artifact in the labs when the artifact started glowing and they, well, they turned into screws. Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c, and six marines responded to the initial distress call and were also turned into screws."
"I'm sorry, sir, did you just say they were turned into screws?" Colonel Edwards couldn't mask the shock and disbelief in voice. They saw a lot of crazy stuff around the SGC, but people literally turning into tools was a new one.
"Yes, Colonel, this is not a joke or a drill. Right now we have the problem contained but we have no idea if the affliction will spread. So far only SG-1 and six marines have been converted. Doctor Lee and his team are reviewing the surveillance video, but I'm afraid I cannot let them near the device. Thankfully, everyone who has been converted seems to be mentally intact and capable of communication, but without appendages, there isn't much they can do." General Hammond shook his head a bit as he finished talking.
"Sir!" Sergeant Harriman walked into the room. "Doctor Lee has detected a low level energy field just outside the contained area. He suggests we expand the area another two levels and evacuate all non essential personnel."
"Agreed. Sergeant, go with Colonel Reynolds and contact all off-world teams and tell them to go to the alpha site. Colonel Edwards, take your team plus SG's 3, 5, and 15 to help with the base evacuation. Once everyone is out, I want the base quarantined. Go!" General Hammond ended the meeting and walked into his office.
Aside from the usual hiccups that went with any military operation, they had the base cleared in less than three hours. Which was rather fortuitous as thirty minutes later, Doctor Felger accidentally caused a power spike in the device, (how he managed to do that from a level up was beyond comprehension) which converted everyone on that level, and those above and below. Most notably, Major Lorne had turned into a small allen wrench, Doctor Lee into a washer, and Doctor Felger into a can of WD-40. The machine seemed to have no rhyme or reason for the conversion, at least that he could figure out. Felger was a bit greasy, but that didn't explain all of SG-1 turning into screws. Major Lorne as a allen wrench was also a bit nonsensical.
One week later, almost 75% of the personnel who stayed behind had been converted. General Hammond was a wingnut, Sergeant Siler was a big wrench (which Edwards personally found hilarious), Sergeant Harriman was, ironically, a megaphone, which Edwards didn't really think was a tool, but they still hadn't found a method to the device's madness.
The only person still finding humor with the situation was Colonel O'Neill. Edwards didn't think the man would ever run out of puns, double entendres, and bad jokes. Thankfully, no one had turned into a screwdriver yet, so they were saved those jokes.
Those who hadn't been converted knew it was only a matter of time. They weren't sure how the device worked, but the conversion field was getting bigger and bigger. Everyone was working around the clock - it turned out that sentient tools didn't need to eat, sleep, or take breaks. Granted they also didn't have eyes, ears, mouths, or appendages. There were bets going around that when everyone finally converted back, they would be naked. (He was pretty sure O'Neill was behind that pool.)
Even if the unconverted had wanted to leave (they didn't) once General Hammond had been converted, the President had ordered the base sealed off. The scientists at Area 52 had found a way to stop the device from spreading beyond the base, but it only worked on the surface. No one could leave the base because they weren't sure what would happen if a person walked through the shield. Senator Kinsey had been trying to get the base blown up for days, as his 'containment solution'. Edwards had never had a personal issue with Kinsey before but he knew O'Neill didn't didn't like him, and now Edwards knew why. The man was slimy. At least the president had disagreed, and they more time to figure it all out.
Two weeks later when he was hopping around the base on his long handle he was almost hoping for an explosion. Not that he wanted to die, and he most definitely did not want to die as a hammer, but he couldn't take it anymore! He missed his lips and ears and thumbs and eating and sleeping and . . . other parts he had grown rather fond of over the years.
Major Carter had tried everything someone shaped like a screw could try (he had heard a few stories of her falling over and having some issues getting back up. General Hammond had assigned Colonel Reynolds to stay with her - he had turned into tongs and was rather helpful to have around) and everyone was going crazy. Even O'Neill was running out jokes.
General Hammond had taken to organizing the base like his tool box, sorting everyone out in case Carter needed someone, but that had only been amusing for about 10 hours.
Three weeks later he knew he was going to die as a hammer. If hammers could even die. Or he would rust. He never thought about rusting before - it probably wouldn't be a pleasant feeling experience.
"Edwards!" He heard O'Neill shout his name across the room. "I've hit upon a solution to this problem. We need you to knock some sense into it." Edwards winced (as much as a hammer could wince) at the bad puns, but he figured out where O'Neill was going with them. He was the only hammer, and they hadn't tried breaking the device yet.
"I'm up for anything at this point, O'Neill. Will Carter go along with it?"
"As screwed as we are at this point, I don't think we'll need to hammer her to hard to get her to go along."
"Isn't the pun thing getting a bit old?" Edwards started hopping behind O'Neill who was shuffling out of the room.
"Yeah, but at this point, I've spent three weeks making bad puns! I'm not stopping now."
Six hours later, Edwards and O'Neill hopped and shuffled their way to the door of the lab.
"I’ve found a solution." O'Neill stated as he shuffled in the room first.
"Sir?" Carter was leaning against a filing cabinet. He hadn't really thought about it, but he was lucky he had a flat base. He wasn't exactly coordinated so he probably would have fallen over a lot if he hadn't been flat.
"You might not like it."
"At this point, I’m willing to try anything."
"Good. Colonel Edwards from SG-11 has volunteered." He wriggled forward, letting Edwards through the door. Edwards hadn't seen Carter since he was changed, but he was pretty sure Doctor Jackson was keeping her apprised of all the changes and who was what.
"You have got to be kidding me, sir." Yeah, he hadn't thought she would go for this idea.
"It’s the tried and tested way, Carter. If it won’t work - hit it."
"Are you sure Colonel?" The screw that was Carter swiveled toward him.
"Yes, Major. I am sure."
"Alright then. I've got nothing better."
Well, that had been surprisingly easy. Edwards hopped over to the device and positioned himself in front of it. He really hoped this worked. He also hoped the pool was wrong and they would all have their clothing on when they changed back. It would be damned embarrassing for him to lose his clothing in front of Major Carter. He mentally readied himself and fell forward onto the device. He felt it crack and the liquid spilled out, and then the world went black.
"Edwards! Wake up!" He heard O'Neill shouting before he saw him. He also heard something that sounded a lot like laughter. His head was pounding so he raised his hand - his hand he had hands!
"It worked?" He croaked out, his shook his head a bit trying to focus his eyes. He saw Carter standing off the side laughing so hard tears were running down her face and O'Neill was standing next to him.
"Yup. You certainly nailed it. Now off to the infirmary we go!" Edwards let O'Neill help him up and they started walking toward the infirmary. He could still hear Carter laughing as they walked away.
"Only SG-1." Edwards winced a bit. He was going to need aspirin. A lot of it.