[fanfic] 16. today, tomorrow
Today, tomorrow
Wooyoung doesn’t want to cross Nichkhun off his list so he can have another tomorrow with him.
Nichkhun/Wooyoung
au(romance+angst), pg
3, 895 words
teaser || 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
+
“Put me down,” Wooyoung says, loosening his arms around Nichkhun.
“Wooyoung-ah…”
“Put me down,” Wooyoung says calmly, even though there’s still a slight tremor in his voice. Very reluctantly, Nichkhun slowly loosens his grip on Wooyoung’s legs and puts him down. Wooyoung grabs onto Nichkhun’s arm tightly to prevent himself from stumbling. “Take me home,” he demands. Nichkhun does so without arguing any further. The journey is yet again filled with silence but this time with tension as well.
“Wooyoung…” Nichkhun calls again when they have reached the front of the bakery. Wooyoung quickly pulls his hand and looks away, not wanting to meet his gaze with Nichkhun’s.
Wooyoung swallows a lump down his throat. “Goodnight,” he greets and walks inside without waiting for Nichkhun‘s reply. He ignores the voices calling for him when he passed by the kitchen, hurrying up the stairs and falling down on the first few steps from his hasty movements but quickly gathering himself back up again.
Wooyoung enters his room and closes the door behind him. With no more lights entering from outside, darkness invades the room completely. He drops his bag wherever, slumps on his bed and pulls the blanket to cover himself wholly.
“It’s not true…It’s not true…” Wooyoung chants to himself, unwilling to believe what he had heard from Nichkhun. But Nichkhun’s words keep playing in his mind like a broken record and that frustrates and scares him at the same time. Wooyoung still feels a little warm but the heat pricks at the back of his eyes this time. He’s not going to cry, no, Wooyoung you’re stronger than this, he tells himself.
But what if Nichkhun really leaves? Will he be strong enough to watch and not do anything about it?
+
The rain is pouring outside. Wooyoung watches through the display window of the bakery, letting the tailor takes the measurements of his body. Minjun, Fei and their parents have been busy planning and preparing for their wedding since a few weeks ago, and even though Wooyoung was excited at first, right now he isn’t very sure anymore. Of course he’s still happy for Minjun and Fei, but the wedding makes him think of churches, wedding bells, cakes, confetti and rings, and he’s only reminded of the things he’s about to lose, things he can’t and will never have. That saddens him somehow.
It’s silent in the bakery, save for the sound of the rain pouring and the lead pencil dragging across the paper as the tailor jots down measurements on her book. Even the twins are unusually quiet, patiently waiting for their turns. Minjun walks back in to check on them after dealing with some paperwork.
“Jaebeommie, your turn,” Minjun says, seeing the hired tailor’s finally done with taking measurements from Wooyoung. Jaebeom wordlessly stands up from his stool and approaches the tailor.
“Why am I the last one?” Jinyoung whines.
“Because you’re the youngest,” Jaebeom reasons.
“But I’m sleepy and I want to nap.”
“Yah! I’m sleepy too, okay?” Jaebeom grumbles this time. They’re so easily irritated when they’re sleepy like this and Wooyoung understands that.
“Whatever.” Jinyoung yawns and presses his cheek on the counter. Wooyoung smiles, taking a seat next to Jinyoung and leaning his cheek against the top as well.
“Just wait for another bit, okay?” Wooyoung says, rubbing his thumb on Jinyoung’s cheek. Jinyoung pouts, but nods his head.
“Yah, I was wondering if Nichkhun should have one of his own too,” Minjun says, referring to their outfits for the wedding. Wooyoung tenses and straightens back up on his seat.
“What...?” he asks, uncertain.
“Should we make one for Nichkhun too?” Minjun rephrases.
“Hyung…” Wooyoung smiles shakily. Never had he imagine Minjun offering such thing to him, especially when it comes to Nichkhun. “But why?”
“Wouldn’t you like that? I mean,” Minjun rubs his chin with his finger, mumbling “he’s a part of the family too now, is he not?”
Wooyoung blinks at Minjun, and then a genuine smile appears on his face. His gaze shifts curiously to the cab outside of the bakery, his expression turning blank when Nichkhun runs into the bakery and their eyes meet.
“Nichkhun!” Minjun greets, sounding somewhere between pleased and relieved. “We were just talking about you.”
“Hmm?” Nichkhun replies distractedly, reluctantly breaking eye contact with Wooyoung. The tailor is already done with Jaebeom, so now it’s finally Jinyoung’s turn.
“We’re making tailored suits for my wedding. We were just wondering if you’d like to have one too,” Minjun explains.
“M-Me?” Nichkhun’s reaction is what Wooyoung had expected. Wooyoung knows Nichkhun finds Minjun intimidating, so it might be a little surprising and odd to receive such kindness from him. Nichkhun’s gaze softens when Minjun nods his head. “That’s really nice of you to include me. But I-” Nichkhun hesitates. “I don’t think…” he trails off. “I- I need to talk with Wooyoung.”
Minjun looks at them suspiciously, but nods his head in understanding. Wooyoung wordlessly leads Nichkhun upstairs to his bedroom. Seeing Jaebeom napping at the lounge area, Wooyoung closes the door quietly so their talks won’t bother his brother’s sleep.
“What is it?” Wooyoung asks. He feels nervous especially after remembering what Nichkhun said last night. He knows he can’t run forever and now that his head is clear from any alcoholic effects, maybe they can finally have a proper conversation about this whole matter.
“About last night-”
“When?” Wooyoung quickly cuts in, turning around to face away from Nichkhun. He’s not ready to hear it but doesn’t want to postpone any longer. Nichkhun takes a very long time to answer.
“After my basketball match…”
Wooyoung widens his eyes in shock, swiveling back around on his heels. “That’s…” Wooyoung does a quick check on the calendar in his mind.
“This Saturday,” they both say at the same time. Last night, Nichkhun told him he had to leave earlier than planned, but Wooyoung didn’t expect it to be this soon...It’s hard to register that Nichkhun’s leaving him in five days.
“Oh.” Wooyoung’s voice was really hushed, even to his own ears. He doesn’t want to freak out, doesn’t want to throw tantrums because he’s trying to be understanding, to be fucking considerate of Nichkhun and his feelings and the situation he’s been put into. But what will he get back in return...?
“You’ll...You’ll come back, right?”
Nichkhun shakes his head. It’s not a definite no, but more to I don’t know or I’m not sure. Something inside of Wooyoung is set into a shake. Wooyoung starts to tremble, starts to actually lose his calm as the thoughts of Nichkhun leaving him forever frighten him to his core.
“But back then you said you’d come back,” Wooyoung reminds Nichkhun, almost desperately. “Don’t you remember?”
“I remember…” Nichkhun says. “I’m leaving and I want to come back. But- Wooyoung-ah…I’m not sure when that’ll be. I’m still looking for a way to come back but I don’t know how long that will take.” Nichkhun looks down, his hands clenched into fists until his knuckles turn white. Wooyoung hadn’t noticed he has his hands clenched as well on his sides.
“So, you’re not sure you can come back?” Wooyoung’s growing annoyed and frustrated at the same time. “You might not come back at all?” Nichkhun closes his eyes, shakily reaching for Wooyoung’s hands and squeezing them tight but Wooyoung pulls them away.
“Wooyoung-ah…” The look in Nichkhun’s eyes turn desperate too. He looks as if he was going to cry. But all Wooyoung could think about were the things they did together for the past couple of weeks, of how Nichkhun had been very persistent and pushy towards completing Wooyoung’s wish list. Accusation after accusation runs wild in Wooyoung’s mind, feeling angry, betrayed and stupid for not realizing (even though he did have his own suspicion at some point).
“Is that why you’re doing this?” Wooyoung tears the list from the pin board, slamming it hard against the table. Nichkhun stares at the paper and then back at Wooyoung. “Did you think this will make everything okay? Why are you doing this? Why? You want to give me something to remember when you’re gone? Did you think this will make it up for everything so you can leave and not come back again?”
“Wooyoung, it’s not…like that at all…” Nichkhun says, but he was hesitating and that only made Wooyoung think Nichkhun really did thought it off like that, and that angers him, these thoughts of Nichkhun leaving him and thinking it would all be okay after finishing doing a favor for him. It frightens Wooyoung even more that Nichkhun’s not looking at him, at how defeated he looks.
“Damn you.” Wooyoung hadn’t realize he’s crying until the sob escaped from his mouth. He falls down on his bed. For a moment, Nichkhun looks as if he was going to catch Wooyoung, but stops in his tracks and stares at him instead. “I don’t want only memories of you, Khun. I want relishing memories with you. Don’t you get it?”
Nichkhun sits down next to Wooyoung, and Wooyoung lets Nichkhun pulls him into his embrace, even though he’s not hugging Nichkhun back. “What about me, Khun? What will happen to me if you leave?”
Nichkhun tightens his hug. “Wooyoung.”
“You don’t understand. Do you know how it feels like to be scared? To close your eyes not knowing if you’re ever going to wake up again? To go to sleep not knowing if you’re going to survive another day?”
“I know, because I live in fear of realizing I might lose you any fleeting moment now without me being there for you, to save you.”
Wooyoung whimpers and finally hugs Nichkhun back, so tight he refuses to let go, afraid that Nichkhun would leave him. “I’m scared I won’t make it. I‘m scared I can‘t be here for you anymore when you come back.”
“You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. I’ll leave and come again and we can get back together again.”
“You promise?”
Nichkhun nods. “I just have to leave for a little while. I really have to go. My dad is sick. He’s dying…”
Wooyoung inhales a sharp breath at that. He feels bad and stupid for not letting Nichkhun explain the reason he has to be away. “I’m sorry. Khun- Oh God, Khun. I’m so, so sorry,” Wooyoung says, rubbing his hand on Nichkhun’s back in comforting manner. Wooyoung buries his face on the crook of Nichkhun’s neck, feeling sad and sympathetic over the news. But…
Can‘t you stay for a little while longer…?
Wooyoung throws the selfish part of him as far away as possible.
+
Wooyoung is not prepared for any of these and five days are honestly too short of a time to be doing all the things Wooyoung wanted them to do together. He doesn’t want to waste them either, so he spends it with Nichkhun a lot even though without doing anything and just being there in each other’s presence, sometimes lost in the silence. It gets harder though, the mood turning dull and days getting shorter and no matter how hard Wooyoung wanted to go on like usual, to pretend he’s okay, they both know he can’t lie. Tears often find their way to Wooyoung’s eyes and he’s stopped pretending to be strong and accepted Nichkhun’s hugs that Wooyoung knows he can’t seek for anymore when Nichkhun leaves.
Saturday comes too soon but Wooyoung puts a smile on his face and tries to cheer for Nichkhun as much as he can. Nichkhun smiles back at him, pale face and tired features but the sparkle in his eyes tells Wooyoung that he’s happy Wooyoung’s here for him, that he’s thankful for Wooyoung’s effort and support.
Wooyoung’s sitting amongst the crowd but he’s never felt this alone before without Nichkhun on his side. Junho joins him a few minutes later and Wooyoung didn’t think he’d be this glad to have Junho accompanying him. Junho doesn’t say anything but his presence was more than enough, giving him a little strength to not break down right there. Even if Nichkhun is unreachable from here, at least Wooyoung’s lucky that he can still see Nichkhun. What if Nichkhun leaves and Wooyoung can’t see him anymore? Will he be okay?
Nichkhun turns to his direction and Wooyoung quickly waves his hand at him and offers a supportive smile. I love you so much, Wooyoung mouths at Nichkhun. Nichkhun brightens up but even at this distance, Wooyoung can see the quiver of Nichkhun’s lips when he mouths I love you too back at him.
Nichkhun throws the basketball and gains the final points, thus sealing their win in the match. Wooyoung hears his heart cracks but pretends he doesn’t. Not when Nichkhun runs up to him and hugs him like this. Not when he doesn’t want to make Nichkhun feel bad and leave with sad memories of him.
They’re separated by Nichkhun’s luggage in between them. It’s just a small one and Wooyoung feels comforted at the sight of it because it feels like Nichkhun will only be away for a short while. But Wooyoung doesn’t like the distance put between them so he moves to get on Nichkhun’s other side, only to stop when he’s behind Nichkhun and hugs him instead. He doesn’t care about the looks thrown at them from the two girls waiting for the bus at the same stop, and neither does Nichkhun as he rests his free hand on top of Wooyoung’s and rubs it gently. Chansung and Junho are there too because they’re taking the same bus but they give Wooyoung and Nichkhun the space they need. When the bus arrives and neither Wooyoung nor Nichkhun makes a move to get in, both Chansung and Junho understood they’re not taking this ride. The two girls hastily hop on the bus, followed by Junho and Chansung after they said goodbye to Nichkhun and told him they’ll be waiting at the airport tomorrow morning, even offering to take the luggage with them for the night.
Wooyoung presses his forehead on Nichkhun’s back. “Wooyoung-ah…”
Wooyoung sniffles and tightens his arms around Nichkhun. “Just stay like this for a little while.”
And they did, staying silent for a very long time- lost in the moment and in their own thoughts. When the same bus comes back on the same stop again, it’s empty as they finally get on, taking the middle seats. There’s so much things to say but Wooyoung doesn’t know where to begin. Even though he wanted so much to believe this won’t be the last time he’ll be seeing Nichkhun, there’s still a part of him that knows this might just be it at the same time.
“My birthday is coming up soon,” Wooyoung says. “Do you think you’ll be able to be here for that?”
“Would be nice if I could.” Nichkhun thinks it over, leaning forward on the seat in front of them and resting his cheek on his folded arms to look at Wooyoung. “What kind of present would you want?”
Wooyoung sends Nichkhun a stare. You know what I want, it says. Instead of saying it aloud, Wooyoung only shrugs his shoulders. Nichkhun nudges Wooyoung’s thigh with his own. “Come on now, no need to be shy.”
Wooyoung sighs. “You already know,” he mumbles, hand clutching on Nichkhun’s shirt. “I want you to be here.”
Nichkhun smiles softly at Wooyoung. “You’d want me as a your birthday present?” He asks, pressing the bell to their stop. He grabs Wooyoung’s hand and entwines their fingers together, pulling him up from the seat.
“Mmm,” Wooyoung nods. “Even though you’ll always be the greatest gift of my life, I’d still want you and your presence to be my birthday present.”
Nichkhun stares at Wooyoung with unreadable eyes as the bus drives away from the stop. “You’re so cute,” he coos.
“You’re supposed to say, okay then, I’ll be there, you know?” Wooyoung pretends to sulk and walk away, even though he does feel that dull ache on his heart. Maybe Nichkhun really doesn’t feel all that assured that he’ll be around for Wooyoung’s birthday.
“Would be nice to celebrate your birthday with you,” Nichkhun catches up with him. “No promises but…I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
Wooyoung folds his arms on his chest and gazes at Nichkhun. “If you do come back, take me to an amusement park.”
“Amusement park?” Nichkhun raises his eyebrows. “Sounds fun. I will take you there, if you give me a kiss on the Ferris wheel.”
“Not gonna happen.” Wooyoung looks away and walks off.
“Why not?”
“Don’t know. H-Hey-” Wooyoung blinks when Nichkhun pulls him from walking into the bakery, gently pushing Wooyoung to lean his back on the wall. Wooyoung looks up at Nichkhun pressing against him. “What?”
“So I’m not getting my Ferris wheel kiss?”
“You can kiss the Ferris wheel if you want. I’m sure it won’t mind.” Wooyoung tries moving away but Nichkhun pushes him back onto the wall. “What?”
“Can I have a kiss outside the bakery instead?”
Wooyoung blushes slightly. “I don’t know, Khun. If you wanted a kiss,” Wooyoung grabs Nichkhun’s shoulders with his hands but instead of pulling him closer, he pushes Nichkhun away and escapes. “I think you should get it yourself.”
Wooyoung enters the bakery, with Nichkhun following closely behind. They stop to greet Wooyoung’s parents resting in the living room, but Wooyoung excuses himself first when they entered the topic on Nichkhun leaving tomorrow morning. Wooyoung walks up the stairs, shuffling to his bedroom and waiting for Nichkhun at the doorframe of the room. He doesn’t let Wooyoung wait for too long as Nichkhun joins him again shortly after. Wooyoung lets Nichkhun in, but as soon as he closes the door, Wooyoung finds himself pressed against it by Nichkhun again, this time with Nichkhun immediately claiming his lips in an urgent kiss.
Wooyoung kisses Nichkhun back just as desperately, silent don’t go and I love you, I love you, I love you left unsaid. Wooyoung pulls back to catch his breath, but an involuntary whimper escapes his mouth when Nichkhun continues his kisses on Wooyoung’s chin, down to his neck.
“K-Khun…”
Hearing Wooyoung’s voice, Nichkhun stops. His arms snake around Wooyoung’s waist, lifting his head up to press a kiss on Wooyoung’s forehead. He murmurs, “Will you miss me?”
What a silly question, Wooyoung thinks. Of course he will miss Nichkhun. He will miss him a lot. Wooyoung tightens his arms around Nichkhun, licks his lips and nods his head slowly. “I will. Don’t forget me here, ‘kay?”
Nichkhun chuckles and then sighs quietly. “How is that even possible for me to forget you.”
“Just promise me you won’t forget me, okay?” Wooyoung looks up at Nichkhun to search for his eyes. “Okay?” he insists. Nichkhun agrees with the nod of his head.
“You have to take care of yourself.”
“Mmm. I’ll be sure to be fine so we can go out again when you come back.” Nichkhun hums in approval. Wooyoung leans his head on Nichkhun’s shoulder. “Khun?”
“Hmm?”
Don’t go, he wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat. I’m sick and dying too, you know? Can’t you stay here with me? Wooyoung swallows them all down and hopes he sound convincing when he says “You were really great in that basketball game” instead.
“Of course,” Nichkhun says, seemingly unaware of Wooyoung’s shaky voice. If he noticed, Nichkhun doesn’t say anything about it. “Didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you,” he jokes. “I wouldn’t have done just as well if you weren’t there. Your presence gave me strength.”
It’s funny and scary at the same time that they both seem to look up to each other for strength. If they’re away and can’t be there for each other, Wooyoung wonders who will fall and break first.
Somewhere in between their long conversations, Wooyoung must have dozed off because when he wakes up, it’s already dawn. He’s at least glad that the warmth beside him is still there. Not wanting to wake Nichkhun, Wooyoung carefully sits up and rubs his bleary eyes before he just sits there staring at Nichkhun’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful and serene it breaks Wooyoung’s heart to realize that his Nichkhun will be leaving him in another few hours and they both don’t even know when they’ll get to see each other again. Slowly, Wooyoung reaches for his sketchbook and pencil on the table beside his bed, flipping to a new page and immediately starting to draw the sleeping Nichkhun.
The morning slowly approaches, sunlight seeping in through the window and casting shadows on Nichkhun’s face. Wooyoung stops drawing and reaches out his hand to touch Nichkhun’s face, his fingers lightly brushing Nichkhun’s hair from his forehead. He traces them down Nichkhun’s nose and philtrum, and then to his lips before rubbing his thumb on Nichkhun’s cheek. He wants to memorize and imprint every contour and feel of Nichkhun’s face into his mind, wants to stop this moment and live in it forever but he knows he can’t, he knows the time is still ticking, knows that Nichkhun will have to leave and he will have to let him.
Wooyoung sniffles, wiping the tears that managed to escape from his eyes with his hand and lies back down facing Nichkhun. He closes his eyes and snuggles closer to Nichkhun’s chest.
“I don’t want you to go…”
Wooyoung wants to stop crying because he doesn’t want Nichkhun to see him like this, but when Nichkhun pulls Wooyoung closer to him, that only makes him cry even more.
The moment Wooyoung opens his eyes again, the sun’s way up in the sky. The sketchbook is gone and the bed is cold and empty, but there’s a necklace with a key pendant hung on his neck. He grabs the key into his hand, not really knowing what it’s for. Maybe because he’s been crying a lot to sleep just a few hours ago that he can’t even shed another tear anymore. He gets up from the bed and goes downstairs, sitting on the threshold that separates the kitchen and the bakery and looking straight ahead to the glass door. Wooyoung hears footsteps from behind him but doesn’t turn to look.
“Wooyoung-ah, what are you doing?” It’s Minjun’s voice. Wooyoung suddenly feels so cold so he hugs his knees closer to his chest. “Wooyoung?” Minjun calls again.
“Hyung…”
Minjun sits next him. “Hmm? What’s wrong?”
“Nichkhun…” Wooyoung trails off.
“Yes, Nichkhun?”
“Nichkhun is gone,” Wooyoung sniffles. He buries his face on his folded arms above his knees. Silence takes over as Minjun tries to comprehend the whole thing.
“I told you not to get too attached to him, didn’t I?” Minjun says after a long while. His voice is soft but stern at the same time. Wooyoung starts to shake.
“I know. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you.”
“Wooyoung-ah…”
Wooyoung turns to Minjun and grips on his shirt tightly, burying his face onto his brother‘s chest. “Hyung. Hyung…”
“It’ll be alright,” Minjun pats Wooyoung’s back. Wooyoung wants to believe Minjun’s words but unless Nichkhun comes back to his side, he’s not very convinced everything will be alright again.
Wooyoung doesn’t want to cross Nichkhun off his list so he can have another tomorrow with him.
Nichkhun/Wooyoung
au(romance+angst), pg
3, 895 words
teaser || 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
+
“Put me down,” Wooyoung says, loosening his arms around Nichkhun.
“Wooyoung-ah…”
“Put me down,” Wooyoung says calmly, even though there’s still a slight tremor in his voice. Very reluctantly, Nichkhun slowly loosens his grip on Wooyoung’s legs and puts him down. Wooyoung grabs onto Nichkhun’s arm tightly to prevent himself from stumbling. “Take me home,” he demands. Nichkhun does so without arguing any further. The journey is yet again filled with silence but this time with tension as well.
“Wooyoung…” Nichkhun calls again when they have reached the front of the bakery. Wooyoung quickly pulls his hand and looks away, not wanting to meet his gaze with Nichkhun’s.
Wooyoung swallows a lump down his throat. “Goodnight,” he greets and walks inside without waiting for Nichkhun‘s reply. He ignores the voices calling for him when he passed by the kitchen, hurrying up the stairs and falling down on the first few steps from his hasty movements but quickly gathering himself back up again.
Wooyoung enters his room and closes the door behind him. With no more lights entering from outside, darkness invades the room completely. He drops his bag wherever, slumps on his bed and pulls the blanket to cover himself wholly.
“It’s not true…It’s not true…” Wooyoung chants to himself, unwilling to believe what he had heard from Nichkhun. But Nichkhun’s words keep playing in his mind like a broken record and that frustrates and scares him at the same time. Wooyoung still feels a little warm but the heat pricks at the back of his eyes this time. He’s not going to cry, no, Wooyoung you’re stronger than this, he tells himself.
But what if Nichkhun really leaves? Will he be strong enough to watch and not do anything about it?
+
The rain is pouring outside. Wooyoung watches through the display window of the bakery, letting the tailor takes the measurements of his body. Minjun, Fei and their parents have been busy planning and preparing for their wedding since a few weeks ago, and even though Wooyoung was excited at first, right now he isn’t very sure anymore. Of course he’s still happy for Minjun and Fei, but the wedding makes him think of churches, wedding bells, cakes, confetti and rings, and he’s only reminded of the things he’s about to lose, things he can’t and will never have. That saddens him somehow.
It’s silent in the bakery, save for the sound of the rain pouring and the lead pencil dragging across the paper as the tailor jots down measurements on her book. Even the twins are unusually quiet, patiently waiting for their turns. Minjun walks back in to check on them after dealing with some paperwork.
“Jaebeommie, your turn,” Minjun says, seeing the hired tailor’s finally done with taking measurements from Wooyoung. Jaebeom wordlessly stands up from his stool and approaches the tailor.
“Why am I the last one?” Jinyoung whines.
“Because you’re the youngest,” Jaebeom reasons.
“But I’m sleepy and I want to nap.”
“Yah! I’m sleepy too, okay?” Jaebeom grumbles this time. They’re so easily irritated when they’re sleepy like this and Wooyoung understands that.
“Whatever.” Jinyoung yawns and presses his cheek on the counter. Wooyoung smiles, taking a seat next to Jinyoung and leaning his cheek against the top as well.
“Just wait for another bit, okay?” Wooyoung says, rubbing his thumb on Jinyoung’s cheek. Jinyoung pouts, but nods his head.
“Yah, I was wondering if Nichkhun should have one of his own too,” Minjun says, referring to their outfits for the wedding. Wooyoung tenses and straightens back up on his seat.
“What...?” he asks, uncertain.
“Should we make one for Nichkhun too?” Minjun rephrases.
“Hyung…” Wooyoung smiles shakily. Never had he imagine Minjun offering such thing to him, especially when it comes to Nichkhun. “But why?”
“Wouldn’t you like that? I mean,” Minjun rubs his chin with his finger, mumbling “he’s a part of the family too now, is he not?”
Wooyoung blinks at Minjun, and then a genuine smile appears on his face. His gaze shifts curiously to the cab outside of the bakery, his expression turning blank when Nichkhun runs into the bakery and their eyes meet.
“Nichkhun!” Minjun greets, sounding somewhere between pleased and relieved. “We were just talking about you.”
“Hmm?” Nichkhun replies distractedly, reluctantly breaking eye contact with Wooyoung. The tailor is already done with Jaebeom, so now it’s finally Jinyoung’s turn.
“We’re making tailored suits for my wedding. We were just wondering if you’d like to have one too,” Minjun explains.
“M-Me?” Nichkhun’s reaction is what Wooyoung had expected. Wooyoung knows Nichkhun finds Minjun intimidating, so it might be a little surprising and odd to receive such kindness from him. Nichkhun’s gaze softens when Minjun nods his head. “That’s really nice of you to include me. But I-” Nichkhun hesitates. “I don’t think…” he trails off. “I- I need to talk with Wooyoung.”
Minjun looks at them suspiciously, but nods his head in understanding. Wooyoung wordlessly leads Nichkhun upstairs to his bedroom. Seeing Jaebeom napping at the lounge area, Wooyoung closes the door quietly so their talks won’t bother his brother’s sleep.
“What is it?” Wooyoung asks. He feels nervous especially after remembering what Nichkhun said last night. He knows he can’t run forever and now that his head is clear from any alcoholic effects, maybe they can finally have a proper conversation about this whole matter.
“About last night-”
“When?” Wooyoung quickly cuts in, turning around to face away from Nichkhun. He’s not ready to hear it but doesn’t want to postpone any longer. Nichkhun takes a very long time to answer.
“After my basketball match…”
Wooyoung widens his eyes in shock, swiveling back around on his heels. “That’s…” Wooyoung does a quick check on the calendar in his mind.
“This Saturday,” they both say at the same time. Last night, Nichkhun told him he had to leave earlier than planned, but Wooyoung didn’t expect it to be this soon...It’s hard to register that Nichkhun’s leaving him in five days.
“Oh.” Wooyoung’s voice was really hushed, even to his own ears. He doesn’t want to freak out, doesn’t want to throw tantrums because he’s trying to be understanding, to be fucking considerate of Nichkhun and his feelings and the situation he’s been put into. But what will he get back in return...?
“You’ll...You’ll come back, right?”
Nichkhun shakes his head. It’s not a definite no, but more to I don’t know or I’m not sure. Something inside of Wooyoung is set into a shake. Wooyoung starts to tremble, starts to actually lose his calm as the thoughts of Nichkhun leaving him forever frighten him to his core.
“But back then you said you’d come back,” Wooyoung reminds Nichkhun, almost desperately. “Don’t you remember?”
“I remember…” Nichkhun says. “I’m leaving and I want to come back. But- Wooyoung-ah…I’m not sure when that’ll be. I’m still looking for a way to come back but I don’t know how long that will take.” Nichkhun looks down, his hands clenched into fists until his knuckles turn white. Wooyoung hadn’t noticed he has his hands clenched as well on his sides.
“So, you’re not sure you can come back?” Wooyoung’s growing annoyed and frustrated at the same time. “You might not come back at all?” Nichkhun closes his eyes, shakily reaching for Wooyoung’s hands and squeezing them tight but Wooyoung pulls them away.
“Wooyoung-ah…” The look in Nichkhun’s eyes turn desperate too. He looks as if he was going to cry. But all Wooyoung could think about were the things they did together for the past couple of weeks, of how Nichkhun had been very persistent and pushy towards completing Wooyoung’s wish list. Accusation after accusation runs wild in Wooyoung’s mind, feeling angry, betrayed and stupid for not realizing (even though he did have his own suspicion at some point).
“Is that why you’re doing this?” Wooyoung tears the list from the pin board, slamming it hard against the table. Nichkhun stares at the paper and then back at Wooyoung. “Did you think this will make everything okay? Why are you doing this? Why? You want to give me something to remember when you’re gone? Did you think this will make it up for everything so you can leave and not come back again?”
“Wooyoung, it’s not…like that at all…” Nichkhun says, but he was hesitating and that only made Wooyoung think Nichkhun really did thought it off like that, and that angers him, these thoughts of Nichkhun leaving him and thinking it would all be okay after finishing doing a favor for him. It frightens Wooyoung even more that Nichkhun’s not looking at him, at how defeated he looks.
“Damn you.” Wooyoung hadn’t realize he’s crying until the sob escaped from his mouth. He falls down on his bed. For a moment, Nichkhun looks as if he was going to catch Wooyoung, but stops in his tracks and stares at him instead. “I don’t want only memories of you, Khun. I want relishing memories with you. Don’t you get it?”
Nichkhun sits down next to Wooyoung, and Wooyoung lets Nichkhun pulls him into his embrace, even though he’s not hugging Nichkhun back. “What about me, Khun? What will happen to me if you leave?”
Nichkhun tightens his hug. “Wooyoung.”
“You don’t understand. Do you know how it feels like to be scared? To close your eyes not knowing if you’re ever going to wake up again? To go to sleep not knowing if you’re going to survive another day?”
“I know, because I live in fear of realizing I might lose you any fleeting moment now without me being there for you, to save you.”
Wooyoung whimpers and finally hugs Nichkhun back, so tight he refuses to let go, afraid that Nichkhun would leave him. “I’m scared I won’t make it. I‘m scared I can‘t be here for you anymore when you come back.”
“You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. I’ll leave and come again and we can get back together again.”
“You promise?”
Nichkhun nods. “I just have to leave for a little while. I really have to go. My dad is sick. He’s dying…”
Wooyoung inhales a sharp breath at that. He feels bad and stupid for not letting Nichkhun explain the reason he has to be away. “I’m sorry. Khun- Oh God, Khun. I’m so, so sorry,” Wooyoung says, rubbing his hand on Nichkhun’s back in comforting manner. Wooyoung buries his face on the crook of Nichkhun’s neck, feeling sad and sympathetic over the news. But…
Can‘t you stay for a little while longer…?
Wooyoung throws the selfish part of him as far away as possible.
+
Wooyoung is not prepared for any of these and five days are honestly too short of a time to be doing all the things Wooyoung wanted them to do together. He doesn’t want to waste them either, so he spends it with Nichkhun a lot even though without doing anything and just being there in each other’s presence, sometimes lost in the silence. It gets harder though, the mood turning dull and days getting shorter and no matter how hard Wooyoung wanted to go on like usual, to pretend he’s okay, they both know he can’t lie. Tears often find their way to Wooyoung’s eyes and he’s stopped pretending to be strong and accepted Nichkhun’s hugs that Wooyoung knows he can’t seek for anymore when Nichkhun leaves.
Saturday comes too soon but Wooyoung puts a smile on his face and tries to cheer for Nichkhun as much as he can. Nichkhun smiles back at him, pale face and tired features but the sparkle in his eyes tells Wooyoung that he’s happy Wooyoung’s here for him, that he’s thankful for Wooyoung’s effort and support.
Wooyoung’s sitting amongst the crowd but he’s never felt this alone before without Nichkhun on his side. Junho joins him a few minutes later and Wooyoung didn’t think he’d be this glad to have Junho accompanying him. Junho doesn’t say anything but his presence was more than enough, giving him a little strength to not break down right there. Even if Nichkhun is unreachable from here, at least Wooyoung’s lucky that he can still see Nichkhun. What if Nichkhun leaves and Wooyoung can’t see him anymore? Will he be okay?
Nichkhun turns to his direction and Wooyoung quickly waves his hand at him and offers a supportive smile. I love you so much, Wooyoung mouths at Nichkhun. Nichkhun brightens up but even at this distance, Wooyoung can see the quiver of Nichkhun’s lips when he mouths I love you too back at him.
Nichkhun throws the basketball and gains the final points, thus sealing their win in the match. Wooyoung hears his heart cracks but pretends he doesn’t. Not when Nichkhun runs up to him and hugs him like this. Not when he doesn’t want to make Nichkhun feel bad and leave with sad memories of him.
They’re separated by Nichkhun’s luggage in between them. It’s just a small one and Wooyoung feels comforted at the sight of it because it feels like Nichkhun will only be away for a short while. But Wooyoung doesn’t like the distance put between them so he moves to get on Nichkhun’s other side, only to stop when he’s behind Nichkhun and hugs him instead. He doesn’t care about the looks thrown at them from the two girls waiting for the bus at the same stop, and neither does Nichkhun as he rests his free hand on top of Wooyoung’s and rubs it gently. Chansung and Junho are there too because they’re taking the same bus but they give Wooyoung and Nichkhun the space they need. When the bus arrives and neither Wooyoung nor Nichkhun makes a move to get in, both Chansung and Junho understood they’re not taking this ride. The two girls hastily hop on the bus, followed by Junho and Chansung after they said goodbye to Nichkhun and told him they’ll be waiting at the airport tomorrow morning, even offering to take the luggage with them for the night.
Wooyoung presses his forehead on Nichkhun’s back. “Wooyoung-ah…”
Wooyoung sniffles and tightens his arms around Nichkhun. “Just stay like this for a little while.”
And they did, staying silent for a very long time- lost in the moment and in their own thoughts. When the same bus comes back on the same stop again, it’s empty as they finally get on, taking the middle seats. There’s so much things to say but Wooyoung doesn’t know where to begin. Even though he wanted so much to believe this won’t be the last time he’ll be seeing Nichkhun, there’s still a part of him that knows this might just be it at the same time.
“My birthday is coming up soon,” Wooyoung says. “Do you think you’ll be able to be here for that?”
“Would be nice if I could.” Nichkhun thinks it over, leaning forward on the seat in front of them and resting his cheek on his folded arms to look at Wooyoung. “What kind of present would you want?”
Wooyoung sends Nichkhun a stare. You know what I want, it says. Instead of saying it aloud, Wooyoung only shrugs his shoulders. Nichkhun nudges Wooyoung’s thigh with his own. “Come on now, no need to be shy.”
Wooyoung sighs. “You already know,” he mumbles, hand clutching on Nichkhun’s shirt. “I want you to be here.”
Nichkhun smiles softly at Wooyoung. “You’d want me as a your birthday present?” He asks, pressing the bell to their stop. He grabs Wooyoung’s hand and entwines their fingers together, pulling him up from the seat.
“Mmm,” Wooyoung nods. “Even though you’ll always be the greatest gift of my life, I’d still want you and your presence to be my birthday present.”
Nichkhun stares at Wooyoung with unreadable eyes as the bus drives away from the stop. “You’re so cute,” he coos.
“You’re supposed to say, okay then, I’ll be there, you know?” Wooyoung pretends to sulk and walk away, even though he does feel that dull ache on his heart. Maybe Nichkhun really doesn’t feel all that assured that he’ll be around for Wooyoung’s birthday.
“Would be nice to celebrate your birthday with you,” Nichkhun catches up with him. “No promises but…I’ll see what I can do, okay?”
Wooyoung folds his arms on his chest and gazes at Nichkhun. “If you do come back, take me to an amusement park.”
“Amusement park?” Nichkhun raises his eyebrows. “Sounds fun. I will take you there, if you give me a kiss on the Ferris wheel.”
“Not gonna happen.” Wooyoung looks away and walks off.
“Why not?”
“Don’t know. H-Hey-” Wooyoung blinks when Nichkhun pulls him from walking into the bakery, gently pushing Wooyoung to lean his back on the wall. Wooyoung looks up at Nichkhun pressing against him. “What?”
“So I’m not getting my Ferris wheel kiss?”
“You can kiss the Ferris wheel if you want. I’m sure it won’t mind.” Wooyoung tries moving away but Nichkhun pushes him back onto the wall. “What?”
“Can I have a kiss outside the bakery instead?”
Wooyoung blushes slightly. “I don’t know, Khun. If you wanted a kiss,” Wooyoung grabs Nichkhun’s shoulders with his hands but instead of pulling him closer, he pushes Nichkhun away and escapes. “I think you should get it yourself.”
Wooyoung enters the bakery, with Nichkhun following closely behind. They stop to greet Wooyoung’s parents resting in the living room, but Wooyoung excuses himself first when they entered the topic on Nichkhun leaving tomorrow morning. Wooyoung walks up the stairs, shuffling to his bedroom and waiting for Nichkhun at the doorframe of the room. He doesn’t let Wooyoung wait for too long as Nichkhun joins him again shortly after. Wooyoung lets Nichkhun in, but as soon as he closes the door, Wooyoung finds himself pressed against it by Nichkhun again, this time with Nichkhun immediately claiming his lips in an urgent kiss.
Wooyoung kisses Nichkhun back just as desperately, silent don’t go and I love you, I love you, I love you left unsaid. Wooyoung pulls back to catch his breath, but an involuntary whimper escapes his mouth when Nichkhun continues his kisses on Wooyoung’s chin, down to his neck.
“K-Khun…”
Hearing Wooyoung’s voice, Nichkhun stops. His arms snake around Wooyoung’s waist, lifting his head up to press a kiss on Wooyoung’s forehead. He murmurs, “Will you miss me?”
What a silly question, Wooyoung thinks. Of course he will miss Nichkhun. He will miss him a lot. Wooyoung tightens his arms around Nichkhun, licks his lips and nods his head slowly. “I will. Don’t forget me here, ‘kay?”
Nichkhun chuckles and then sighs quietly. “How is that even possible for me to forget you.”
“Just promise me you won’t forget me, okay?” Wooyoung looks up at Nichkhun to search for his eyes. “Okay?” he insists. Nichkhun agrees with the nod of his head.
“You have to take care of yourself.”
“Mmm. I’ll be sure to be fine so we can go out again when you come back.” Nichkhun hums in approval. Wooyoung leans his head on Nichkhun’s shoulder. “Khun?”
“Hmm?”
Don’t go, he wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat. I’m sick and dying too, you know? Can’t you stay here with me? Wooyoung swallows them all down and hopes he sound convincing when he says “You were really great in that basketball game” instead.
“Of course,” Nichkhun says, seemingly unaware of Wooyoung’s shaky voice. If he noticed, Nichkhun doesn’t say anything about it. “Didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you,” he jokes. “I wouldn’t have done just as well if you weren’t there. Your presence gave me strength.”
It’s funny and scary at the same time that they both seem to look up to each other for strength. If they’re away and can’t be there for each other, Wooyoung wonders who will fall and break first.
Somewhere in between their long conversations, Wooyoung must have dozed off because when he wakes up, it’s already dawn. He’s at least glad that the warmth beside him is still there. Not wanting to wake Nichkhun, Wooyoung carefully sits up and rubs his bleary eyes before he just sits there staring at Nichkhun’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful and serene it breaks Wooyoung’s heart to realize that his Nichkhun will be leaving him in another few hours and they both don’t even know when they’ll get to see each other again. Slowly, Wooyoung reaches for his sketchbook and pencil on the table beside his bed, flipping to a new page and immediately starting to draw the sleeping Nichkhun.
The morning slowly approaches, sunlight seeping in through the window and casting shadows on Nichkhun’s face. Wooyoung stops drawing and reaches out his hand to touch Nichkhun’s face, his fingers lightly brushing Nichkhun’s hair from his forehead. He traces them down Nichkhun’s nose and philtrum, and then to his lips before rubbing his thumb on Nichkhun’s cheek. He wants to memorize and imprint every contour and feel of Nichkhun’s face into his mind, wants to stop this moment and live in it forever but he knows he can’t, he knows the time is still ticking, knows that Nichkhun will have to leave and he will have to let him.
Wooyoung sniffles, wiping the tears that managed to escape from his eyes with his hand and lies back down facing Nichkhun. He closes his eyes and snuggles closer to Nichkhun’s chest.
“I don’t want you to go…”
Wooyoung wants to stop crying because he doesn’t want Nichkhun to see him like this, but when Nichkhun pulls Wooyoung closer to him, that only makes him cry even more.
The moment Wooyoung opens his eyes again, the sun’s way up in the sky. The sketchbook is gone and the bed is cold and empty, but there’s a necklace with a key pendant hung on his neck. He grabs the key into his hand, not really knowing what it’s for. Maybe because he’s been crying a lot to sleep just a few hours ago that he can’t even shed another tear anymore. He gets up from the bed and goes downstairs, sitting on the threshold that separates the kitchen and the bakery and looking straight ahead to the glass door. Wooyoung hears footsteps from behind him but doesn’t turn to look.
“Wooyoung-ah, what are you doing?” It’s Minjun’s voice. Wooyoung suddenly feels so cold so he hugs his knees closer to his chest. “Wooyoung?” Minjun calls again.
“Hyung…”
Minjun sits next him. “Hmm? What’s wrong?”
“Nichkhun…” Wooyoung trails off.
“Yes, Nichkhun?”
“Nichkhun is gone,” Wooyoung sniffles. He buries his face on his folded arms above his knees. Silence takes over as Minjun tries to comprehend the whole thing.
“I told you not to get too attached to him, didn’t I?” Minjun says after a long while. His voice is soft but stern at the same time. Wooyoung starts to shake.
“I know. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you.”
“Wooyoung-ah…”
Wooyoung turns to Minjun and grips on his shirt tightly, burying his face onto his brother‘s chest. “Hyung. Hyung…”
“It’ll be alright,” Minjun pats Wooyoung’s back. Wooyoung wants to believe Minjun’s words but unless Nichkhun comes back to his side, he’s not very convinced everything will be alright again.