Without You
The clear sunshine that shined down on us when we walked together…
None of these have left me-inside my head, it makes me slowly die.
♥♥♥♥♥
He’s clinging to everyone, you think as you watch him sneak up on Siwon and rest his head on the other’s shoulder, everyone but you.
As you growl at your thoughts, you examine the sight before you. He is cuddling with Siwon-not the first time you’ve seen this happen before. However, he usually comes to find you after just to spend some time together. Today, he doesn’t.
Instead, he skips away to pester Leeteuk about something as he attacks the other with hugs, thanking him for being such a good hyung to everyone. Your hands crumple into fists almost unwillingly but you stay glued to the couch you’re on. It would do no good to make a scene in the waiting room while there are tons of other idols you are competing with in the same room.
So you swallow your irritation-yourangeryourfrustrationyourjealousy-and continue to fiddle with the pen in your hand as you listen to your iPod. Unconsciously, you turn the music up to drown the soft, unmistakable laughter you hear. Without even looking up you know it’s him-no one else possesses that sweet, delightful laughter.
As though you’ve lost all self-control, your head turns imperceptibly to the side only to see yet another thing that makes your blood boil with rage.
Most of your members, along with a few members from other groups as well, are seated in a circle of the floor. Normally, that would not have even bothered you, but today, today, you are in a bad mood. Just seeing him leaning on Shindong while he laughs until he turns breathless is enough to make you feel like throwing something against the wall-preferably Shindong at the moment.
Immediately, before you get out of control, you change the song until something peaceful flows through your ears and your eyes flutter to a close. You force yourself to breathe-inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale-and start to think.
You think about the day his odd behaviour began-because you remember everything about him clearly-and you think about what might have caused him to change his behaviour in the first place.
That day unfolds before you in vivid, clear images. They come in rapid flashes and you have to make a conscious effort to slow them down. You remember a gloomy, rainy day. A day that was busier than you would have liked. You remember the feeling of being overwhelmed and annoyed at everyone. You remember being especially annoyed at him and his constant touching-something you’d give anything to have now.
You remember returning from Kiss the Radio with a permanent crease in your forehead. You remember marching angrily into your room, tossing your bag onto the floor with a loud thud! You remember the surprise on your face when he mumbled something as he rubbed his eyes awake, having taken a nap while he waited for you. You remember the excitement in his face as you entered his line of vision and you remember the harsh tone you used to tell him to get out.
You regret every single thing you did that day.
You remember his hurt, pained look as he scampered away, tears flowing freely. You remember the twinge you felt immediately after and the guilt that has consumed you since.
That was a week ago. And you hate yourself for it.
You hate that you aren’t a verbal person who can just admit his feelings openly. You hate that you can’t seem to choke out the words I’m sorry. You hate that you caused the pain in his eyes every time he looks at you. You hate the way you feel right now; the way it eats you up alive. You hate him-
No, you could never hate him. You couldn’t ever even come close to hating him. Nothing he does, or will ever do for that matter, can make you hate him. Not in this lifetime-not in any lifetime.
Since then, you have watched as he avoids you as though you would bring the death of him. You watch silently, agonizingly as he gets closer with the other members. As he develops new relationships and improve others, you begin to fall out of your close circle of friends and exclude yourself. The members have long since gotten used to your constant glower and have stopped bothering to ask you what’s wrong… what happened to you two?
You reply with a quick, it’s nothing, and resume whatever you were doing. But on the inside, your heart screams everything.
Since that night, you have slept fitfully. Without him by your side to lull you to sleep, you toss violently in bed. Your stuffed fish you received from him when he left for Super Junior M activities is nothing compared to the real thing. You find yourself sleeping in his old t-shirts, the ones he accidentally left in your room after long nights. His unique, familiar smell is still there and you fear the day your own scent will consume his.
As you watch them fool around through the mirror, your eye catches Leeteuk’s for the briefest of seconds and he tells you something. Go talk to him idiot, go talk to him. You stare into his eyes for a second longer before you nod-a slight bow of the head. You promise to thank him later-if everything turns out alright.
Placing your iPod in your bag, you take your time to gather the courage you know you’ll need to talk to him. To apologize to him. Suddenly, you remember the day he asked you out. How nervous he was; how absolutely cute he was. How he grabbed your hands and refused to let go even though his palms were growing terribly sweaty. How he whispered your name like it was the lonely thing he knew. Hyukjae, Hyukjae.
Everything comes back to you and it hits you with enough force to leave you breathless. Although it brings tears to your eyes, you are thankful that you remembered; the memory only pushes you harder.
Taking calculated steps, you tip-toe to the circle and gently take his arm and he jumps in surprise. Seeing your face, he smiles immediately as though it’s become a reflex, but upon remembering your situation, the smile disappears, to be replaced with a cold, hard look. Your eyes drop to the floor and the guilt consumes you once again. Nevertheless, you give a small tug on his arm and he must feel the desperation oozing out of you because he gets up and leaves the group.
Even after all you two have been through, he still understands you like no other.
♥♥♥♥♥
“What do you want Eunhyuk?” you flinch at his harsh words, not even bothering to hide your true emotions. You aren’t afraid to be yourself around him because he’s the only one who knows you through and through.
On the inside, you are hurt that he’s chosen to call you by your stage name because in private, you know that he prefers the name Hyukjae to everything else. Although you may be imagining it, you can see the internal struggle in his eyes as the words leave his lips. His pain hurts you as well, but it also gives you a faint hope.
Maybe there is a chance he’ll forgive you.
You almost grab his hand in an effort to console him-but then you remember why you’re here in the first place and what you’ve done to land you in this situation. Without even thinking, you hear yourself say:
“I-I just needed to talk to you Hae.” Even to you, your voice sounds soft and vulnerable-exactly how you’re feeling on the inside right now. You’re sure that the look in your eyes must be borderline desperate, but at this moment, you don’t care. You don’t care about anything but getting him back and into your arms.
He offers you a cold, unforgiving glare and you feel tears well up in your eyes. The absolute loathing he sends to you in waves of constant disgust is enough to break your heart. Please don’t hate me Donghae. Anything but hate. I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.
Before he can push you away even more than he has done over the past few days, you stumble out a few nearly incoherent words.
“Donghae… please don’t do this to me,” you practically sob out. “I didn’t mean to ignore you Hae. I-I was having an off day and, and…” you choke on your ever flowing tears, leaving you breathless and disorientated. Afraid that he’ll leave you without giving you a chance to explain, you grab on to him desperately.
He stuns you by cautiously wrapping his arms around you. As you cling onto him, he gently strokes your back, trying to soothe you. The feeling of being in his arms calms you like nothing else could. The warmth radiating from his body is enough to make you melt to the floor. Your sobs gradually begin to stop and once your senses return to you, you realize that his body is shaking. Confused, you look up to see his face covered in tears.
He returns your gaze with a watery smile and suddenly, both you and he are bawling again. However, in amidst of all the blubbering and all the whimpering, you find yourself happier than you’ve been during the past week. Seeing your hesitant smile and ignoring the fact that both his face and yours are wet with tears, he leans forward to give you a chaste kiss.
You return it with as much feeling as you can, trying to convey all your emotions-happiness, regret, love, everything-at once. He must understand because he smiles his perfect smile and you know that all is forgiven. All the tension you’ve been feeling melts away completely and you fall to the ground as your legs give out, bringing him with you as you hit the floor.
The hallway is filled with the sound of laughter as you laugh like you hadn’t in years. He joins you willingly, happy to be in your presence once again. As the laughter carries away, he pulls you to rest in between his legs so that you’re lying on his chest with your legs parallel to his. Gently, he turns your head to capture your lips once again and you eagerly attach your lips to his. Turning your body slightly to accommodate the change of activity, you wrap your arms around his neck as he places his hands on your thin waist.
You remain in his embrace for a moment longer before you realize that you have yet to explain things clearly to him. Although you know for a fact that he would be perfectly content to have things go back to the way they were without knowing the reason why everything happened in the first place, you feel that you need to tell him. Not only would you be wracked with guilt for causing this and being forgiven so easily, he deserves the right to understand what’s going on in your heart.
“Donghae… I want to apologize-” you start, playing with his hair nervously. You don’t get very far before he interrupts you.
“You’re already forgiven Hyukkie,” he whispers in your ear. Just the use of your nickname makes your heart soar and you know now more than ever exactly how deep you’ve fallen. Placing your lips on his, to silence him more than anything, you enjoy the feeling of his lips and just… everything.
“But Hae, I want you to know why. And don’t interrupt me,” you say softly, earning a pout from him. You kiss him again, just because you can. “It’s a stupid reason so don’t laugh at me okay?” He nods seriously but his eyes tell a different story.
“I was feeling… overwhelmed? Yeah overwhelmed would be a good word. Like with all these schedules and everything, I just felt like I was being consumed or something. Ugh, I’m sorry that your boyfriend is so bad with words Hae.” At this, he takes your hands in his own and lightly draws circles on your skin. “I-I was just having an off day, I guess. And the whole day, you were clinging to other people and, and something in me just snapped. I was furious. Insanely jealous. I don’t even know what came over me really…” you pause, trying to gather your thoughts together before continuing. You admire his patience when it comes to you and once again, your heart is enveloped by this warm feeling you could only describe as love.
“I was still in a bad mood during Kiss the Radio… Even ask Teukie-hyung. I-I just couldn’t deal with anything anymore. And then when I get home, I see you in my bed, waiting for me and-I’m sorry for yelling at you because I regret it. I regret everything I did that day. I’m so sorry, Hae, so sorry…” you repeat the words until your vision get blurry and he pulls you in to kiss you on the forehead. He wipes the tears that fall from your puffy eyes with a loving gentleness that makes you wonder what you ever did to deserve him.
“Shhh, it’s okay Hyuk. I forgive you. I could never stay mad at you,” he murmurs tenderly in that beautiful voice of his. “You’re not the only one who needs to apologize. I was so harsh towards you… it-every second of it broke my heart. I’m so sorry Hyukjae.”
As though the two of you are perfectly in sync, your emotions trigger his and he starts to cry as well. He on the floor with his back against the wall, you laying in his arms with your back against his chest… it’s a perfect scene.
That’s the exact moment the other members decide to exit the waiting room, along with the company of others, to see you and him-a wet mess of tangled limbs. With exclamations of hyung! Stop crying already… and do you have any idea how much time it’s going to take to redo your make-up?! You can’t help but start giggling as he joins you a second later.
While everyone fusses over you and your runny make-up, you’re just happy to know that you’re in his arms… somewhere you’ll want to be for the rest of your life.
♥♥♥♥♥
Tra la la la la ~ This is the result of seeing Hae hugging too many people other than Hyukjae :D
i.e Shindong, Yesung, Leeteuk, Sungmin, Siwon... the list goes on and on and on.
Also the result of my overall stress of exams :D
When they're over, I promise I'll write the next chapter of Love Disease and Love, Life and Charming Fishies~
Thank you and I hope you enjoy^^
P.S Comments make me happy ;D
None of these have left me-inside my head, it makes me slowly die.
♥♥♥♥♥
He’s clinging to everyone, you think as you watch him sneak up on Siwon and rest his head on the other’s shoulder, everyone but you.
As you growl at your thoughts, you examine the sight before you. He is cuddling with Siwon-not the first time you’ve seen this happen before. However, he usually comes to find you after just to spend some time together. Today, he doesn’t.
Instead, he skips away to pester Leeteuk about something as he attacks the other with hugs, thanking him for being such a good hyung to everyone. Your hands crumple into fists almost unwillingly but you stay glued to the couch you’re on. It would do no good to make a scene in the waiting room while there are tons of other idols you are competing with in the same room.
So you swallow your irritation-yourangeryourfrustrationyourjealousy-and continue to fiddle with the pen in your hand as you listen to your iPod. Unconsciously, you turn the music up to drown the soft, unmistakable laughter you hear. Without even looking up you know it’s him-no one else possesses that sweet, delightful laughter.
As though you’ve lost all self-control, your head turns imperceptibly to the side only to see yet another thing that makes your blood boil with rage.
Most of your members, along with a few members from other groups as well, are seated in a circle of the floor. Normally, that would not have even bothered you, but today, today, you are in a bad mood. Just seeing him leaning on Shindong while he laughs until he turns breathless is enough to make you feel like throwing something against the wall-preferably Shindong at the moment.
Immediately, before you get out of control, you change the song until something peaceful flows through your ears and your eyes flutter to a close. You force yourself to breathe-inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale-and start to think.
You think about the day his odd behaviour began-because you remember everything about him clearly-and you think about what might have caused him to change his behaviour in the first place.
That day unfolds before you in vivid, clear images. They come in rapid flashes and you have to make a conscious effort to slow them down. You remember a gloomy, rainy day. A day that was busier than you would have liked. You remember the feeling of being overwhelmed and annoyed at everyone. You remember being especially annoyed at him and his constant touching-something you’d give anything to have now.
You remember returning from Kiss the Radio with a permanent crease in your forehead. You remember marching angrily into your room, tossing your bag onto the floor with a loud thud! You remember the surprise on your face when he mumbled something as he rubbed his eyes awake, having taken a nap while he waited for you. You remember the excitement in his face as you entered his line of vision and you remember the harsh tone you used to tell him to get out.
You regret every single thing you did that day.
You remember his hurt, pained look as he scampered away, tears flowing freely. You remember the twinge you felt immediately after and the guilt that has consumed you since.
That was a week ago. And you hate yourself for it.
You hate that you aren’t a verbal person who can just admit his feelings openly. You hate that you can’t seem to choke out the words I’m sorry. You hate that you caused the pain in his eyes every time he looks at you. You hate the way you feel right now; the way it eats you up alive. You hate him-
No, you could never hate him. You couldn’t ever even come close to hating him. Nothing he does, or will ever do for that matter, can make you hate him. Not in this lifetime-not in any lifetime.
Since then, you have watched as he avoids you as though you would bring the death of him. You watch silently, agonizingly as he gets closer with the other members. As he develops new relationships and improve others, you begin to fall out of your close circle of friends and exclude yourself. The members have long since gotten used to your constant glower and have stopped bothering to ask you what’s wrong… what happened to you two?
You reply with a quick, it’s nothing, and resume whatever you were doing. But on the inside, your heart screams everything.
Since that night, you have slept fitfully. Without him by your side to lull you to sleep, you toss violently in bed. Your stuffed fish you received from him when he left for Super Junior M activities is nothing compared to the real thing. You find yourself sleeping in his old t-shirts, the ones he accidentally left in your room after long nights. His unique, familiar smell is still there and you fear the day your own scent will consume his.
As you watch them fool around through the mirror, your eye catches Leeteuk’s for the briefest of seconds and he tells you something. Go talk to him idiot, go talk to him. You stare into his eyes for a second longer before you nod-a slight bow of the head. You promise to thank him later-if everything turns out alright.
Placing your iPod in your bag, you take your time to gather the courage you know you’ll need to talk to him. To apologize to him. Suddenly, you remember the day he asked you out. How nervous he was; how absolutely cute he was. How he grabbed your hands and refused to let go even though his palms were growing terribly sweaty. How he whispered your name like it was the lonely thing he knew. Hyukjae, Hyukjae.
Everything comes back to you and it hits you with enough force to leave you breathless. Although it brings tears to your eyes, you are thankful that you remembered; the memory only pushes you harder.
Taking calculated steps, you tip-toe to the circle and gently take his arm and he jumps in surprise. Seeing your face, he smiles immediately as though it’s become a reflex, but upon remembering your situation, the smile disappears, to be replaced with a cold, hard look. Your eyes drop to the floor and the guilt consumes you once again. Nevertheless, you give a small tug on his arm and he must feel the desperation oozing out of you because he gets up and leaves the group.
Even after all you two have been through, he still understands you like no other.
♥♥♥♥♥
“What do you want Eunhyuk?” you flinch at his harsh words, not even bothering to hide your true emotions. You aren’t afraid to be yourself around him because he’s the only one who knows you through and through.
On the inside, you are hurt that he’s chosen to call you by your stage name because in private, you know that he prefers the name Hyukjae to everything else. Although you may be imagining it, you can see the internal struggle in his eyes as the words leave his lips. His pain hurts you as well, but it also gives you a faint hope.
Maybe there is a chance he’ll forgive you.
You almost grab his hand in an effort to console him-but then you remember why you’re here in the first place and what you’ve done to land you in this situation. Without even thinking, you hear yourself say:
“I-I just needed to talk to you Hae.” Even to you, your voice sounds soft and vulnerable-exactly how you’re feeling on the inside right now. You’re sure that the look in your eyes must be borderline desperate, but at this moment, you don’t care. You don’t care about anything but getting him back and into your arms.
He offers you a cold, unforgiving glare and you feel tears well up in your eyes. The absolute loathing he sends to you in waves of constant disgust is enough to break your heart. Please don’t hate me Donghae. Anything but hate. I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.
Before he can push you away even more than he has done over the past few days, you stumble out a few nearly incoherent words.
“Donghae… please don’t do this to me,” you practically sob out. “I didn’t mean to ignore you Hae. I-I was having an off day and, and…” you choke on your ever flowing tears, leaving you breathless and disorientated. Afraid that he’ll leave you without giving you a chance to explain, you grab on to him desperately.
He stuns you by cautiously wrapping his arms around you. As you cling onto him, he gently strokes your back, trying to soothe you. The feeling of being in his arms calms you like nothing else could. The warmth radiating from his body is enough to make you melt to the floor. Your sobs gradually begin to stop and once your senses return to you, you realize that his body is shaking. Confused, you look up to see his face covered in tears.
He returns your gaze with a watery smile and suddenly, both you and he are bawling again. However, in amidst of all the blubbering and all the whimpering, you find yourself happier than you’ve been during the past week. Seeing your hesitant smile and ignoring the fact that both his face and yours are wet with tears, he leans forward to give you a chaste kiss.
You return it with as much feeling as you can, trying to convey all your emotions-happiness, regret, love, everything-at once. He must understand because he smiles his perfect smile and you know that all is forgiven. All the tension you’ve been feeling melts away completely and you fall to the ground as your legs give out, bringing him with you as you hit the floor.
The hallway is filled with the sound of laughter as you laugh like you hadn’t in years. He joins you willingly, happy to be in your presence once again. As the laughter carries away, he pulls you to rest in between his legs so that you’re lying on his chest with your legs parallel to his. Gently, he turns your head to capture your lips once again and you eagerly attach your lips to his. Turning your body slightly to accommodate the change of activity, you wrap your arms around his neck as he places his hands on your thin waist.
You remain in his embrace for a moment longer before you realize that you have yet to explain things clearly to him. Although you know for a fact that he would be perfectly content to have things go back to the way they were without knowing the reason why everything happened in the first place, you feel that you need to tell him. Not only would you be wracked with guilt for causing this and being forgiven so easily, he deserves the right to understand what’s going on in your heart.
“Donghae… I want to apologize-” you start, playing with his hair nervously. You don’t get very far before he interrupts you.
“You’re already forgiven Hyukkie,” he whispers in your ear. Just the use of your nickname makes your heart soar and you know now more than ever exactly how deep you’ve fallen. Placing your lips on his, to silence him more than anything, you enjoy the feeling of his lips and just… everything.
“But Hae, I want you to know why. And don’t interrupt me,” you say softly, earning a pout from him. You kiss him again, just because you can. “It’s a stupid reason so don’t laugh at me okay?” He nods seriously but his eyes tell a different story.
“I was feeling… overwhelmed? Yeah overwhelmed would be a good word. Like with all these schedules and everything, I just felt like I was being consumed or something. Ugh, I’m sorry that your boyfriend is so bad with words Hae.” At this, he takes your hands in his own and lightly draws circles on your skin. “I-I was just having an off day, I guess. And the whole day, you were clinging to other people and, and something in me just snapped. I was furious. Insanely jealous. I don’t even know what came over me really…” you pause, trying to gather your thoughts together before continuing. You admire his patience when it comes to you and once again, your heart is enveloped by this warm feeling you could only describe as love.
“I was still in a bad mood during Kiss the Radio… Even ask Teukie-hyung. I-I just couldn’t deal with anything anymore. And then when I get home, I see you in my bed, waiting for me and-I’m sorry for yelling at you because I regret it. I regret everything I did that day. I’m so sorry, Hae, so sorry…” you repeat the words until your vision get blurry and he pulls you in to kiss you on the forehead. He wipes the tears that fall from your puffy eyes with a loving gentleness that makes you wonder what you ever did to deserve him.
“Shhh, it’s okay Hyuk. I forgive you. I could never stay mad at you,” he murmurs tenderly in that beautiful voice of his. “You’re not the only one who needs to apologize. I was so harsh towards you… it-every second of it broke my heart. I’m so sorry Hyukjae.”
As though the two of you are perfectly in sync, your emotions trigger his and he starts to cry as well. He on the floor with his back against the wall, you laying in his arms with your back against his chest… it’s a perfect scene.
That’s the exact moment the other members decide to exit the waiting room, along with the company of others, to see you and him-a wet mess of tangled limbs. With exclamations of hyung! Stop crying already… and do you have any idea how much time it’s going to take to redo your make-up?! You can’t help but start giggling as he joins you a second later.
While everyone fusses over you and your runny make-up, you’re just happy to know that you’re in his arms… somewhere you’ll want to be for the rest of your life.
♥♥♥♥♥
Tra la la la la ~ This is the result of seeing Hae hugging too many people other than Hyukjae :D
i.e Shindong, Yesung, Leeteuk, Sungmin, Siwon... the list goes on and on and on.
Also the result of my overall stress of exams :D
When they're over, I promise I'll write the next chapter of Love Disease and Love, Life and Charming Fishies~
Thank you and I hope you enjoy^^
P.S Comments make me happy ;D