You will make it. You will make it through. I promise you.
( continued from Part I)
2004: 22 years old
January 13th: “I watched two--count them, two!--Buffy episodes on Friday night. Just because I love you guys.”
Jan. 25th: “And then we talked a lot about how I can look at it like a compromise, as if I'm tolerating this temporary pain because I know that in going through it. . .I stand a better chance at living a better life in the long run. . .which is worse? My teacher thinking I'm strange. . .or hiding from his or another stranger's scrutiny so that my entire life can be wasted and ruined. Hmm, lemme think. God.”
January 27th: “I do think my depression has lifted slightly, over the last few months. . .I still have the dark thoughts, but not quite as much. . .I try not to dwell on them, once I get to the point where I can't really make them budge. . . It's hard sometimes, but I try to remember how things look and feel different, when you are still depressed. . .if you remind yourself, "nothing looks or feels how it should, right now." Then that's helpful.”
Feb. 14th: (re: same-sex marriages being performed in San Francisco) "Every time I think of them all getting together and instigating this civil disobedience, risking their political reputations for their principles, sticking it to right-wing America (you might as well fax Bush a picture of your middle finger, like "eat it!"), I actually laugh. I guess that's what people mean, when they talk about laughing from joy.”
Mar. 1st: “Imagine an apartment in Tigard, Oregon. Then add one tablespoon of Rachael, and double that with a spoonful of dosidella, stir vigorously, and voila! Recipe for danger! Hee, DANGER. Like, watch out, world, here we come! (this is the part where we skip down the road together, and toss our hats in the air, like Mary Tyler Moore).”
Mar. 14th: “dosidella will be here on Thursday, and I'll be meeting her at the bus station in the morning. Weird! Heh. I'll probably spend at least the first five minutes just laughing and going "Oh my God!" Because it'll be so crazy meeting her. Like "What are you doing here?!" Hee. "But, how are we talking, without a computer? I-I don't understand!"
Mar. 21st: Guess who just made a slushIE (we're trying to break her into the proper way of saying things here; she keeps saying "slush") in my kitchen, and who is now killing her lungs via a cigarette in my backyard? That would be dosidella! Ha! Is she in your backyard? No? I didn't think so!
Apr. 8th: "I love living on my own. . . Dosi and I are currently watching every single episode of both Buffy and the X Files consecutively (because I'd never watched Buffy, and same for her and XF), which my sister finds really amusing, like "how perfect, that you'd find a roommate as into the internet and TV as you." Two peas in a pod, man."
May 20th: "As for how I actually am doing in my day-to-day life. . .it's kind of all over the place. I am in one of my nightmares-every-single-night-phases, which kind of shows that even when I am laughing in the moment and feeling good, I still have some serious underlying issues in general.”
September 20th: “Mainly, I just felt the need to post how my nephew is the cutest damn baby in the world. No, THE WORLD, okay? And the smartest, and the sweetest. He could totally win in a baby deathmatch for those things. Heh, like Baby vs. Baby: Fight to the death!”
September 24th: “Wait, and now apparently Kevin has green blood? Uh, good to know, I suppose. I think we all have been watching too much X Files lately. Especially since now Jen is trying to make him understand that only aliens have green blood. Heh. And now they are debating which aliens have it, and, haha. Look what I've done to her. I've totally made her into someone who talks about how you properly kill a bounty hunter at twelve thirty in the morning. Excellent. It's the least I could do, since she made me watch Buffy and Angel, and now I actually like it. Somewhat. A little. Perhaps. OR DO I? Hee. Okay, I do. . .
And no, I also can't believe I'm forcing myself to go through "William" again, considering how that plotline KILLS MY SOUL. But whatever. At least Jen and I have an understanding that there will be serious ranting from both our parts, as we progress in these shows' seasons. She's obviously already heard quite a bit from me, during season eight of the X Files. Hee. . .I totally have to pause the episodes sometimes, to just let out massive rants. And she just listens, then I plop back down and hit play, and we move on. Ha. Good times.”
October 1st: “dosi and I have drank of the vodka. A little too much. This would be funnier if there were more errors, but i keep fixing them, because even as a drunken person, I am still anal, apparently. Jen says hi. And I keep making typos, but then I fix them, when I should just leave them. God, I am the worst drunken poster, EVER. And I totally just barfed, by the way. I t was GREAT. Now, we are supposed to write a drunken fanfic about Mulder and Scully. Possibly in a Jeopardy crossover. More to come, toomrow. That's wrong, but I'm leavig it, for prosperity. dosi i slaughing at me, but that's okay.
i should kle let her take over at this point, becvause she is worse than me. and did I mention that vodka is AWESOME. tomorrow, i will regret this terribly. but tonight, THE DAY IS MINE, TREBEK!"
November 1st: Okay, countdown time. I am super on-edge over the election, tonight. . .I kind of want to show up at the poll places and like shake people as they go in, yelling "you're voting for Kerry, right? RIGHT? Promise me!" They'd probably throw me out though, huh? Yeah, thought so. Hee. They'll be all "I'm sorry, we've already filled our position for Hysterical Poll Worker. She's over there, rocking back and forth in the corner. You can try the next precinct though, if you want."
---
2005: 23 years old
February 18th: “I like fell over on the floor when I first saw that, like "oh my God, you're so cute, that's it!" and then I attacked. Hee. Auntie Attacks, I call them, where I randomly grab him and hug him, like "you're cute!" And he smiles and it's funny. Heh.”
April 13th: “I have a job interview tomorrow at that call center place I almost took a job with last summer. So, wish me luck, even though it's bittersweet and I'd obviously rather keep watching Jay. But it's simply not an option anymore, because I couldn't even pay my half of the rent this month.”
July 17th: “Kevin is telling me I have to admit I'm drunk. He is a cockblocking West Virginian. And he says if I post that, with the West Virginian part, he's going to murder me. Possibly like a West Virginian. It's all this big, strange Pennsylvanian thing. I don't know. But I still say I'm just almost drunk. Hahaha.”
---
2006: 24 years old
May 11th: “And then Kevin went, because you know, as goes Jen, so goes his nation and all. And then I was like "Well fine, just move then, you assbastards!" Okay, so no, I was more like "Well that sucks, but I understand." Then I called them assbastards under my breath, of course. (again, not really, but shh). . .Apparently they didn't realize the world revolves around ME, and they should've just, you know, stayed un-educated poor people for the rest of their lives so they could still come over and play boggle with me on Friday nights. Is that so much to ask?. . .
So I was going to tell you guys about this girl I knew who had been increasingly questioning her sexuality over the last year or so. . .Oh wait, except that's not another girl, that's me. Right. Heh. I know, what a lame way to announce that. But I hate it even being something to, like, "announce." Feels overdramatic. But there's absolutely no casual way to bring it up. Like I can't be all "So what's new with me? Well, I moved, gained some weight, and oh yeah, I might be gay. Or maybe not. Maybe just bi. But I'm not sure. And it's very confusing, and suddenly I'm questioning what I find attractive and what I don't, and did I mention it's confusing? But forget all that and hey, how bout them yankees?" The only people I've talked about it to have been Kevin and Jen. Whose reaction was like I'd told them I had a ham sandwich for lunch, amusingly enough. Heh. Well, and then Kevin was like "so does this mean you'll finally give in and have an orgy with Jen while I watch?" But aside from that, the reaction was pretty mundane. Which is why I love them.”
June 12th: “But! I'm going to see Jen and Kevin. In a state I've never been to, and I don't have to work for the next nine days, and we're going to go to a theme park (where I'll probably go on, like, two rides, cause I'm a pussy, but that's okay, it'll be FUN, DAMMIT).”
November 5th: “In other, more important, news, my Mom had a somewhat massive heart attack. . . honestly at the time, we didn't know if she was going to live or not. . . I actually felt like I was in shock or something, like Life just showed up and bitch-slapped me, and I realized no matter how much my Mom drives me batshit insane, I wouldn't want her gone. . .
After what happened with my Mom, I got in a fight with my Dad. I called to let them know, the night it happened, and never heard back from them. . . So when I called him. . .and said I thought it was because he was mad, he got all cold and weird and sarcastic, like "you need to lighten up, Rachael." No questions about what had happened really, or even so much basic concern and compassion as a stranger on the street would've shown. . .It was all one-word replies, and fakeness. And "so how's your summer been?" And no I'm not kidding. How's your summer been. While I'm meanwhile in tears on the other end. So yeah, basically he was a total freak about it. Actually said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cold or callous, but I can't pretend to care too much when it's your Mother, after everything she's put me through". . .And then at the end of the conversation, because I turn into a child when talking to him, I was actually like "I'm sorry (for crying), I've just had a couple of really upsetting days" and his reply was this impersonal "well, maybe we can talk again later when you've calmed down a little."
November 20th: “Okay, so there's some serious dorkitude going on, over here. Last night I started this list of books and authors I've been meaning to read, or think I should read, and now I've got like two and a half pages going, covered on both sides. It's a good thing I live next to a library.”
December 19th: “There's also the girl I've been hanging out with. . .It's sort of becoming a more-than-friends thing. And Jen will probably laugh if she reads this, because I overanalyzed it with her on the phone the other night like a big spazz (as is my wont), but after spending time with her again last night I'm actually feeling kind of really good about it.”
---
2007: 25 years old
February 16th: “I've actually been pretty okay, off the Effexor. . . As for how I'm doing now, I think I'm okay. I have good days and bad days, which I think is all right. It's better than being clinically depressed for months on end, with no reprieve. I have my issues still, but I'm working on them.”
February 28th: “Jay was playing by himself in his room and he came out to her all "Mommy, come see what I did!", all proud. So she walked in his room with him and he'd colored with marker all over one of his shirts. Hee. And she was like "Jayden, you know you're not supposed to do that, right? Why'd you do that?" And he--all crestfallen face and everything--was like "I wanted to do stripes, like Tigger has!" Hee!. . .
He's also now constantly telling my sister that she needs to have a baby, apparently. She told me he just randomly started telling her that in the car, the other day. All "you need to have a baby in the tummy, Mommy. I like babies. They have little hands, and they drink from bottles.” Heh.”
---
2009: 27 years old
July 4th: “I have a new niece. She turns one this August, and is a little hell-raiser. . .Jayden meanwhile is turning six on Tuesday. SIX, people! Can you believe that?. . .
The second club. . .it's for people with anxiety and depression issues. I've gone bowling and out to eat with them like three times or so now, and I think it was really good for me. . .
I've come to accept that I lean more toward girls and fall closer to gay on the spectrum, but still do occasionally find a guy attractive so my identity is still within bi-territory. Still sometimes wish I was easier to stick in a cookie-cutter box with a clean-cut label, but that would just be far too simple now wouldn't it?"
August 5th: “TV is clearly my soul-mate. And if it were legal to marry a TV show, Battlestar Galactica would pretty much be my newest spouse, all shiny and pretty and new. Except X-Files would totes own the coveted 1st Wife status, and would probably look down on Bones and Battlestar Galactica like "whatever, just because it's been a few years, you're all passing me by for these young 20 year-olds? And what the hell is with this So You Think You Can Dance nonsense? You're hooking up with reality shows now?! I thought we had something special!" And then I'd have to be like "No, baby, you know you're always #1 in my heart. But I love these new shows too. You know they'll never have what we had though! Remember the long walks on the beach, the hours of fanfic-reading, the yelling at Chris Carter?" And then I'd buy it flowers and we'd kiss and make up before probably inevitably getting interrupted by the Damn Bee. But that's a whole 'nother story. Hee.”
August 11th: “Me: *peeks head over cubicle* Hey there fellow coworker, guess what I did this weekend?
Coworker: What?
Me: I watched season 4.0 Battlestar Galactica DVDs, that's what! And you know what else?
Coworker: Um, what? *eyes me nervously*
Me: IT IS AWESOME AND ROSLIN AND ADAMA ARE MEANT TO BE, DO YOU HEAR ME? MEANT TO BEEEEEEEE!
Coworker: That's. . .that's great, Rachael. Maybe you should take a sick day, yeah?. . .”
August 17th: “Mom was admitted into the hospital this weekend because of fluid around the heart and lungs. She's still there now, because they're waiting on said test results and are trying to get the fluid out with dialysis (she has kidney failure and has been on dialysis for quite some time).”
August 27th: "Coworker #1: *hangs up phone* Asians!
Coworker #2 (who is Asian): What? Asians? My people?
Coworker #1: Yes, your people!
Coworker #2: You want me to talk to them?
Coworker #1: Yes, could you? They might not all understand you though.
Coworker #2: Well, I speak Asian, you know.
Me: You speak every Asian language?
Coworker #2: Yes. Although there's really only one. We just confuse the rest of you into thinking there's more than one.
Me: Ooooh, good to know."
August 31st: “Guess who started walking yesterday on her very first birthday? That would be my niece! Way to decide to make that developmental leap on a memorable day, kid!. . .”
September 2nd: “Jayden: Let's go to the planet Pluto!
Me: Okay, but Pluto isn't a planet anymore.
Jayden: But why?
Me: I don't know, it just isn't. It's too small or something.
Jayden: *looks confused*
Me: Tell me about it, kid. Sigh. Poor Pluto.”
September 12th: “Honestly though--and I know I'm a huge cheeseball for this--but when I realized today that this was my lj's anniversary (it's easy for me to remember because of the date) I started thinking about all the things I've been through these last seven years and the friendships that have developed, and I started feeling like I was going to tear up. Again, I realize what a complete & utter sap that makes me, and am totally using the fact that I'm on my period as an excuse. Heh. But really, it's kind of huge when you think about it. 20 to 27 years old. That is some epic shit right there.”
September 15th: “And thus concludes our coverage of Rachael's Trip to Pittsburgh, 2009. I think from these pictures we can gather several pieces of wisdom:
-Rachael should not be allowed to make punk-rock signs so much
-Kevin should not be allowed near mp3s while drunk. Or conversely he should, but only when a camera is present to better assist in future humiliation on my livejournal
-Jen should next time be dragged into our ridiculousness, because she got off way too easy here
-and, finally, Long Island Iced Teas are delicious.”
September 20th: “BONES, OH MY GOD, BONES. ackaoiheiaohiohxih!!!”
September 26th: “Angry Guy: This transfer should be for 3 hours!
Driver: No, it shouldn't be. It should be for an hour and a half.
Angry Guy: IT SHOULD BE FOR THREE! The other driver gives it to me for three!
Driver: We have this argument everyday, and I'm telling you: it's for one and a half.
Angry Guy: NO IT'S NOT.
Driver: I've worked on these buses for a damn long time, okay? I'm not gonna argue with you, sir.
Angry Guy: YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE!
Driver: No, I'm not. YOU are.
Angry Guy: NO, YOU ARE.
Driver: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? You want a transfer for three hours? Do you? GET UP HERE AND GET ONE THEN. I'M DONE ARGUING WITH YOU.
Passenger: *grabs transfer & continues to bitch & moan about why the driver is an asshole*
Driver: Why are you still complaining? I gave you what you wanted, now sit down!
Passenger: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
Punk: No, YOU'RE an asshole.
Angry Guy: What? No I'm not.
Punk: Yes, you are. He gave you what you wanted, so shut the hell up.
Angry Guy: *continues to argue*
Punk: CHECK THE SIGN, DUDE.
And then he pulled out one of his cardboard signs that read--and I am dead serious here--FUCK YOU. It actually said "FUCK YOU" in big capital letters, people. I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP IF I TRIED.
First off, the fact that he even had a sign that said "FUCK YOU" is just already so brilliant, there aren't even words. But the fact that he happened to also have it with him at that exact moment, and was able to then use it on that guy? IT WAS LIKE DESTINY.”
October 4th: “I'll have you all know that at Target my sister was having trouble finding the mascara she was looking for, and randomly went "frak!" Haha. I was like *JOY FACE* over it, and turned to her like "was that for me?" And she was like "yes." Hee!”
October 10th: “I think I might have a wrinkle appearing above my upper lip on the left side. That. . .is just not acceptable. Okay? NO. Wrinkles on older women? Sexy. Dignified. Reflecting of age & wisdom & experience. I, however, am none of those things & thus it is just weird & shocking & generally not cool. I AM GETTING OLD, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? *wrings hands*”
October 18th: (re: my stepdad) "There's been a really noticeable shift in his attitude and way of being over the last several years, to the point where my sister and I have both commented on it to each other. He's actually said "I love you" to both of us in the last year, which was like ~crazy~."
October 22nd: "You guys know what's cute? My nephew. Who randomly calls me on the phone now. . .and when I asked him what he learned in school today--replied "you don't really learn anything in 1st grade. You just do the same thing everyday! Math!" Heeeee. I was like "Well, are you learning anything new about math that you didn't know before?" And I couldn't hear everything he said to that unfortunately, but I know it included a rant about "counting" and "not having enough hands". Haha. *squishes him*”
November 13th: “While we were trick-or-treating, a real white cat started following us around, which I thought was hilarious. Especially because Isabella--in her own white cat costume--kept squealing and trying to get the cat, toddling after it & almost falling every other second in her big fuzzy paw-feet. So it was like OMG GIANT BABY CAT CHASING TINY REAL CAT OMG. Hee.
On a lamer note, because my family is nearly incapable of allowing a holiday to pass without at least a little drama, my brother in law decided to act a fool the night before and largely tainted much of my Halloween with his alchy antics. Stupid family drama. So damn annoying. Seriously, would it be so wrong to just like punch him in the balls next time I see him? Or perhaps hit him over the head with a vase, a la Mad Men? Because it'd be 100% justified, I'm just saying.”
December 9th: “I found out today that my contract at work has been extended another six months.”
December 13th: “I'm supposed to have an "80s Movie Day" with Amy--yes, the one I dated way back when. . .Not sure if it'll be fun or majorly awkward, but hey, can't find out unless I try.”
December 20th: “Yesterday morning, in the midst of my migraine from Hades, I get a call at 9 am from my sister letting me know that she's leaving my brother in law and moving in with my mom. . .
I'll believe it when I see the divorce papers signed.”
December 24th: “She took him back. Are we surprised? No. . .
I've learned over time that's not true with my mom, but I think it took me longer to learn it with my sister. To learn that setting down boundaries in a dysfunctional situation doesn't mean you don't love that person; it simply means you're acknowledging you've done all you can, and that to do any more would not only not help them, but it would actually hurt you.”
December 25th: “Cashier: How old are you?
Me: *eyes him* Why?
Cashier: Well, 'cause I can't really tell, I was just curious, and uh. . .
Me: 27. How old are you?
Cashier: 19.
Me: Good to know.
Cashier: I just wanted to know, 'cause like, you never know when you might need that info.
Me: Uh-huh
Cashier: There might be some life or death situation or something.
Me: Right
Cashier: Like, what if you were being mugged out in the parking lot, and the guy was like "I need to know how old you are or else!" I could help!
Me: Well, if that happens I'll think of you.
Cashier: Yeah, yeah. Well, um, Merry Christmas!”
December 30th: “My dad & them still haven't called me back since Christmas. . . it is a real possibility that my relationship with them is dead. . .”
And, finally (from that same entry), the quote that best wraps up the last ten years of my life for me:
“I know I'll be okay. I have to be.”
So there you have it, folks. Two entries, ten years, one life.
Here's to friends, here's to therapy, here's to surviving & being alive today to tell the tale. Here's to faith and the times when God is all you have, even if you're not truly sure you believe in Him. Here's to all the people who didn't make it along the way. Here's to those who died on 9-11, the tsanami, Katrina, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bali, Sri Lanka, Sudan, and on and on. Here's to everyone suffering right now who feels like they can't make it, but will. Here's to the ones who won't. Here's to the audacity of hope & the first African American president. Here's to same sex marriage, to a world with no signs that say "God hates fags." Here's to television and fandom and silly livejournal posts that make me laugh. Here's to a new decade and a new beginning. Here's to 3,650 days, one at a time. Here's to life, y'all. Here's to life.
For my Vid of the Day today, I can't think of a more appropriate song than this one. Sing us into the new year, won't you, Judy?
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