Reading for one of my trauma classes. I’m not summarizing the whole thing, just bits I found especially interesting.
Chapter One: Clinical Features of PTSD. Nothing new here.
Chapter Two: Cognitive and Behavioral Features of PTSD.
Amnesia. People rarely have global amnesia for traumatic events (not even knowing it happened or having no memories
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But that itself suggests how the whole thing works: had she done nothing, she undoubtedly would have beaten herself up for being a coward and standing by while someone got killed. In fact, she courageously stepped forward... but only recalls her "mistakes."
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I'm working on training myself out of those habits of thought, but it's slow going.
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Focusing only on imaginary good outcomes of actions you didn’t take. “If I’d asked him out, he definitely would have said yes, and then we'd be happily married now.”
But, of course, they gather more force when they're applied to more serious situations.
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It's hard to say what's going on with memory for early childhood, though, because how much people remember of it varies wildly, even without trauma. My early childhood (as opposed to my later childhood) was quite nice, from the memories I do have and from what I've been told. But I have only one or two memories from before about age three or four, and not a whole lot from before six or seven.
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If this book is correct, the reason you don't remember may be because you were so completely focused on saving yourself and your children, that you had no attention to spare for the collision itself.
Maybe the only way you could have recalled the collision would have been if you'd been less focused on steering... and then maybe you would have had the head-on collision, after all.
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As I cannnot learn from something I do not remember and so I have stopped driving - as I have no memory of the collision itself and the unknown is scarier than the known.
One can deal with the known, even with the worst of it, but how does one deal just with a hole where a memory should be?
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I cannnot learn from something I do not remember
I'm not sure that the collision itself, even if you could retrieve it, would be anything you could learn from. Any potential learning probably comes from the parts you already remember - the parts leading up to the collision, in which you were taking effective and life-saving action, not the collision itself.
I don't know what your particular collision was like, but I've been in several car crashes, including one very serious one in which I was driving. They all felt exactly the same: a tremendous sense of impact, simultaneously shocking and inevitable, painless and terrifying and over by the time you've registered that it happened.
Have you ever asked your children what it felt like to them?
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