Fanfiction: Always Darkest Before the Dawn - Part I
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Series: Aftershocks
TAG to Episode: S5 Desperate Measures
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Sam/Team friendship. Sam/Jack UST.
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Written for entertainment purposes only.
Always Darkest Before the Dawn
There was a look in Samantha Carter’s eyes that Jack O’Neill had never wanted to see there. In some ways it was a miracle that he had never seen it before despite the trauma the Air Force Major had already suffered during her time in the Stargate programme. But it had been a different trauma that Carter had endured in the last week. She had kidnapped by a man - not an alien or someone on a different planet with a skewed sociological development - just a common garden ordinary man on Earth who had put her through hell.
Humans were the worst, Jack considered bleakly as he tried to get comfortable. The pain one human could inflict on another was more terrifying than most of the things that awaited them through the Stargate. The pain Adrian Conrad and his bunch of doctors had inflicted on Carter was amongst the most horrific. She was questioning herself; her worth as a person. After all, if she was worth anything, why would anyone do what they had done to her? Deny her basic human rights; lock her up, experiment on her like she was a lab rat. He could see the questions forming in her deep blue eyes; had seen them in his own too many times.
He had his own experiences at being told he was worthless, at being held captive by men who considered him less than human; a dog, vermin, crap. He remembered the insults; every one. He knew only too well what it was like to be grabbed without warning, to be drugged and restrained. He knew the helplessness and frustration at being unable to prevent what happened; to have no control. He had seen all his old emotions in Carter’s face as she had told General Hammond and himself of her experience; it was like looking in a mirror only it was her face and not his staring back at him. It was weird. It was bad. Which brought him back to his original thought; Jack had never, never, wanted to see that look in Carter’s eyes.
Jack fought the pull of tiredness and he could see Carter was starting to flag too as Hammond wrapped up the make-shift debriefing held by necessity at Jack’s bedside given his wounded arm and back. She was pale; too pale. They had kept it to military personnel only to give her the illusion of privacy but Jack figured Daniel Jackson and Teal’c were not far away.
Carter had been matter-of-fact; calm even as she had debriefed. Anybody else might have been fooled by her recounting but Jack knew her too well. He’d seen the tremor in her fingers that she had hidden by clasping her hands behind her back when she’d told of being grabbed at her gym. He’d heard her breath catch before she spoke when she recalled her first awakening, her dislocation, and the realisation that she was restrained. He’d heard the shake in her voice that gave away the terror she had felt.
She’d been drugged for the majority of her stay as Conrad’s guest and Jack could see that it disturbed her. She had very few recollections of that period; ceilings, the doctors, dizziness. He empathised. He’d lost weeks of his own life in Iraq. He had no idea what they’d done to him, what he had done during the missing time. It bothered him the not-knowing although he had buried it. Jack knew it would bother Carter. He wondered whether she would be able to bury it in time as he had done.
The doctors holding her had only stopped drugging her to question her it seemed but it had given her an opportunity. He had listened proudly to her as she had told them of her escape attempt. He had seen the same pride in her shining from Hammond’s pale blue eyes. Carter had thought on her feet; she had almost gotten out without them.
When she had told them of her conversation with Conrad, Jack had done a poor job at hiding his anger. They’d already worked out much of what she told them; Conrad was dying, he’d planned to use the Goa’uld symbiote to cure himself; he’d believed Carter would provide the answer on how to free himself of the symbiote once he was better. His actions in kidnapping her and using her like a lab rat had seemed entirely justified in his desperation.
Jack couldn’t have cared less about Conrad’s motives. In his opinion, the guy was a selfish cretin who didn’t deserve to live for what he had put Carter through and if he ever came across him again he wouldn’t hesitate to kill him. Cold anger settled in Jack’s belly; there was something to be said for the whole Jaffa revenge gig. Jack grimaced. The truth was that he’d had Conrad in his sights and he’d been a hair’s breadth away from shooting the damn guy when Harry Maybourne had shot him.
Damn it.
He was so shooting Maybourne the next time he saw him. Not that he didn’t owe the disgraced former Colonel; Maybourne had helped Jack find Carter in the end.
Jack’s eyes ran back over her as she finished answering Hammond’s questions on their rescue and return to the SGC. He barely remembered the trip back in the specially arranged jet Hammond had procured. He remembered the hard concrete floor beneath him when he regained consciousness after being shot and trying not to move as Carter had seen to the bullet wound in his arm. He remembered Teal’c and Daniel both appearing with Janet Fraiser. He had a vague memory of being injected with something…of waking on the flight back and seeing Carter asleep in the seat beside him, dressed in spare clothing and shivering despite the blanket someone had placed over her…he had drifted back to sleep with only the thought that Carter was safe.
Carter was safe.
Maybourne’s early warning to Jack that he should prepare himself for Carter not coming back hadn’t come true and a fresh wave of relief rushed through Jack and stole his breath. He had struggled with the warning even though he had known from the moment they had confirmed Carter was missing that it was a possibility that she was dead. He had refused to believe it.
Couldn’t believe it.
Hadn’t wanted to.
He had needed desperately to believe that she was alive; that they would bring her home because after an incident where a computer entity had possessed her, Jack knew what it was like to believe Carter was dead and he never wanted to be there again. It had been the reason why he had pushed them both into returning to a professional relationship; to protect himself and to protect her from getting too close while they still had a war to fight. He had even tried to move on and date somebody else as Carter had moved on and dated other guys but it hadn’t worked out. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Carter; would rather die himself than lose her.
He still loved her.
That thought rippled through him like blood through his veins, air through his lungs. He would always love her; he was reconciled to that.
But he had still failed to protect her.
The knowledge sat heavy on his shoulders. If he had almost lost her to the computer entity because they were too close, he had almost lost her to Conrad because they weren’t close enough. He’d taken a step back; she had taken a step back, and the resulting gap between them was too wide. As her CO he’d had no reason to check in with Carter when the rest of SG1 had been ordered to Washington the weekend before to take part in an investigation over the events with the Aschen. Carter had been injured and exempt from the review despite her pivotal role in revealing the Aschen’s duplicity. If it hadn’t been for Daniel raising the alarm when he’d failed to get hold of her…
Jack’s mind flashed to the moment he had burst into the sterile hospital room and seen Carter struggling with the two doctors for her life. He could remember the light glinting off the needle on the syringe; Carter’s terrified face. A second later and he would have been too late. The thought tightened his chest and he rubbed it absently as though to ease the pain in his heart.
It had been close.
Too close. Before their step back, he would have called her himself, Jack thought with some consternation. They would probably have made arrangements to check in with each other. He would have known she was missing so much sooner and maybe, just maybe, they would have found her before the doctors had decided to kill her for their experiment. There had to be a happy medium, Jack contemplated tiredly; some way for him to balance the fact that he loved her with protecting her.
‘Colonel?’ Hammond’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts and Jack glanced up to see both the General and Carter looking back at him worriedly.
‘Sorry.’ Jack reached up and rubbed his face with his good hand. ‘I was…’ he gestured vaguely, ‘you know.’
‘You should probably get some rest, sir.’ Sam offered, her blue eyes running over him.
‘You too.’ Jack shot back. He frowned. ‘Shouldn’t you be in one of these oh-so-comfy beds yourself?’
Sam’s gaze dropped to his feet. ‘Doctor Fraiser’s given me permission to stay in my quarters.’
Jack’s eyes narrowed on her. He had a feeling that she had begged to stay out of the infirmary and given her experience he could understand why; it didn’t explain why the CMO had acquiesced. ‘That’s not fair.’ He said out loud, hoping he could distract her from dwelling by getting her focused on something else. ‘If you’re in quarters, I should be in quarters.’
‘You’re on a morphine drip, sir.’ Sam’s eyes flickered back up to him.
‘So.’ Jack motioned at her. ‘Help me out, Carter. I can take it with me.’
‘Colonel.’ Hammond’s use of his rank had Jack subsiding and a brief glance at Hammond revealed the General had known why Jack had made his bid for freedom as they both took in Carter’s amusement.
Janet entered and stopped at the sight of the General stood beside the bed. ‘Sir?’
Hammond waved her forward. ‘Doctor.’
Janet approached with her hands in the pockets of her medical coat. Her brown eyes went straight to Carter. ‘You should get some food and rest, Major.’
‘I concur.’ Hammond said gently. ‘We’re done here.’
Jack’s eyes caught on a movement in the doorway. ‘Perfect timing.’ He waved his hovering team-mates forward. Daniel entered sheepishly while Teal’c retained an impassive exterior. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’ Daniel responded. He crossed his arms as he halted on the other side of the bed from the General, Sam and Janet. ‘You OK?’
‘I’m on a morphine drip.’ Jack said succinctly.
Daniel nodded without replying and his anxious gaze moved to Sam.
‘Why don’t you kids take Carter and get some food? Make sure she gets some rest?’ Jack suggested.
Sam bristled. ‘Sir.’
Jack caught her eyes. ‘Carter.’ He jerked his head at the guys. They had been through hell during the search for her and he figured they needed the time with her as much as she needed food and a straight eight hours. He saw the realisation dawn in her blue eyes.
Sam sighed and smiled wanly at Daniel and Teal’c. ‘I guess I could eat.’
‘You should keep it light.’ Janet cautioned. ‘Soft foods.’
Teal’c smiled back. ‘It will be a pleasure to escort you to the commissary, Major Carter.’
Daniel smiled, pleased. He glanced back at Jack and the two men exchanged a silent message as the archaeologist acknowledged Jack had passed the responsibility for looking after Carter to him and Teal’c. ‘You want us to bring you something back?’
Jack opened his mouth to answer.
‘No.’ Janet spoke before he could. ‘The Colonel will be sleeping. You can come back and see him in the morning.’
‘Doc!’ Jack protested - more because he knew it was expected than because the idea of sleeping wasn’t attractive.
‘We’ll see you in the morning, sir.’ Sam said formally. She hesitated, her eyes flitting to Hammond and Janet as though considering their presence. She obviously decided against saying anything more. She gave a nod and turned for the door.
Jack watched as his three team-mates walked out.
‘Doctor,’ Hammond said, ‘perhaps you can give your report on Major Carter before Colonel O’Neill rests.’
Janet looked for a moment as though she was going to argue but she sighed and nodded instead. ‘Her blood work came back clean. Whatever drugs she was subjected to have left her system.’ She wet her lips and her eyes darted between the two men. ‘There’s no physical evidence to suggest she was sexually assaulted during her periods of unconsciousness.’
‘Thank God.’ Hammond said fervently.
Jack felt his own throat close up at the news. He had wondered; they had all wondered. She had been kept hostage for so long.
Janet nodded. ‘Regardless, Major Carter’s body was subjected to medical procedures against her will. There are healing puncture marks and incisions on her body. I believe they have performed a number of biopsies.’ Her words were crisp but her brown eyes shone with her distress.
Jack shook his head in denial that Carter had been put through that. He could see Hammond struggle with it too.
‘Given that, and given the psychological impact…’ Janet stopped unable to continue.
‘It’s just like they raped her.’ Jack completed.
Janet nodded reluctantly. ‘Control of her body was taken away from her. She was physically assaulted.’ She sighed angrily. ‘Then there’s the trauma of knowing that she was considered to be on a par with a lab rat with these guys. The way she was dehumanised.’ She pressed her lips together. ‘I recommend a period of psychological treatment before she returns to full duty.’
‘She’s so not going to like that.’ Jack commented without thinking.
The petite doctor glared at him.
‘Come on, Doc.’ Jack said. ‘You really think she’s going to open up with Mackenzie? She can barely stand being around the infirmary; around you.’ He held her eyes. ‘I’m guessing that’s why you’ve agreed to her staying in quarters.’
‘Against my better judgement.’ Janet shot back. ‘And her fear of doctors and the infirmary are part of the reason why it’s imperative she get help from professionals, Colonel.’
Jack lifted a hand from his bed and gestured. ‘Forcing medical help on her right now is only going to do more damage.’ He paused and caught Janet’s eye. ‘I should know.’
Janet looked momentarily shocked. Jack guessed that it was his sudden willingness to admit that he had been through the same thing that had taken the wind out of her sails. He saw her gaze stray to his morphine drip.
‘You have another suggestion, Colonel?’ Hammond jumped in swiftly.
‘Let SG1 handle it.’ Jack said immediately. ‘We can get her through it.’ He looked at Janet. ‘Enough so she might request help.’
Janet frowned. ‘And if that means sharing some of your own experiences with the Major, Colonel? Are you telling me you’re really prepared to do that?’
‘If that’s what it takes to get her through it.’ Jack didn’t hesitate. He hated what he had been through; hated the idea of sharing but if sharing every excruciating minute of his experience helped Carter come to terms with hers, it would be worth it.
‘Doctor?’ Hammond prompted.
She sighed. ‘I would want to monitor the Major’s progress, sir.’
‘Yes.’ Jack couldn’t contain his glee at getting his way.
‘But.’ Janet said quickly. She shot him a look before she turned to the General. ‘If I feel that the Major isn’t progressing with her recovery, I reserve the right to revisit this and,’ she stressed, ‘she will be subject to a pysch eval before I clear her for off-world duties.’
‘Agreed.’ Hammond said.
Jack pulled a face but he accepted the compromise.
‘Now you need to rest.’ Janet said briskly.
‘I need another five minutes with the Colonel.’ Hammond said firmly.
‘Sir…’
‘Five minutes, Doctor.’ Hammond promised, holding up a hand to forestall the argument he could see forming in her eyes.
Janet glowered unhappily but acquiesced with a nod. She turned on her heel and left.
‘You know she’s going to be timing you.’ Jack commented and frowned. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. His eyes darted to the drip and he saw Hammond follow his gaze with some bemusement.
Hammond cleared his throat. ‘We have a problem.’
Jack sobered. ‘You think the investigation on the Aschen was a set-up to grab Carter.’ It wasn’t a question; he’d had the same thought.
‘Let’s just say it seems awfully convenient that Major Carter is grabbed the same weekend that the rest of us are required to be elsewhere at the insistence of something instigated by Senator Kinsey.’ Hammond noted tersely. ‘Add to that that she was a main witness but excluded because of her injury…’ His round face was red; his jaw clenched. It was evident what conclusion Hammond had drawn.
‘We saw Kinsey and Simmons at the Pentagon. They know each other.’ Jack sighed. He pointed at his CO. ‘I would bet my house that Simmons knew the exact details of Maybourne’s deal with Zeditron and exactly what Conrad had planned.’
Hammond pursed his lips. ‘You think Simmons set it up.’
‘Set it up or was planning to take advantage of it.’ Jack admitted. ‘I can’t prove it but let’s face it; the NID would love to get their hands on a live Goa’uld and they’ve been after Carter for years. Conrad’s plan provided them with two for one.’
The disgust on Hammond’s face matched Jack’s. ‘We dropped the ball.’
Jack couldn’t disagree with him.
Hammond sighed. ‘I think Major Carter doesn’t need to know that her own government may have conspired in her abduction.’
‘No, sir.’ Jack wondered how he was going to stop her from piecing it together.
‘The question is how do we stop it from happening again?’ Hammond sighed tiredly.
‘We need to start implementing security checks for when we’re Earth-side.’ Jack said strongly. ‘For all SG teams. SG1 may be more at risk but we’re not the only ones who’ve gotten into some strange crap and might be on the NID’s most wanted list.’
‘I’ll issue orders.’ Hammond said. He gestured at Jack. ‘Get some rest.’
Jack nodded. The morphine had dulled the aches in his body and made him drowsy. Sleep sounded good. He settled back against the pillows and pulled the blankets closer. He closed his eyes.
‘Jack.’
Hammond’s rare use of his first name had Jack’s eyes snapping open.
‘Good job bringing her home, son.’ Hammond said quietly. His pale blue eyes met Jack’s appreciatively and Jack’s chest constricted painfully. He sometimes forgot about Hammond’s relationship with the Carters; sometimes forgot he wasn’t the only one who loved her…
Jack gave a slow nod. Hammond gave a small smile and disappeared. Jack felt his eyes closing again inextricably. Carter was safe; he could sleep.
o-O-o
Sam stirred listlessly at the soup she had selected and pushed what she thought was a carrot from one side of her bowl to the other. She glanced across the table and met Daniel’s concerned gaze at the amount of food she had left. She firmed her lips and pushed the meal away reaching for the blue jello she had selected as dessert.
‘Major Carter…’ Teal’c began but stopped at the glare she levelled on him.
‘You should eat.’ Daniel said, apparently ignoring her unhappiness at their fussing.
‘I am eating.’ She pointed her spoon at the jello.
Daniel tutted but subsided. He reached for the pecan pie he had chosen and dug in. For a few moments they were all fixated on eating.
Sam appreciated the quiet. They sat at the back of the commissary, at a table tucked away into the far corner. Its position deterred everyone from coming over; either that or Teal’c’s glare. The Jaffa sat beside her, providing a shield between her and the rest of the world. As much as she hated to admit it, she appreciated it. She didn’t have the strength to deal with the well-meaning platitudes of other people. She barely had the strength to deal with the usual background noise and the strange feeling of normality at sitting there. She could almost pretend that the past week hadn’t happened.
Her team-mates hadn’t asked her any questions as they had shepherded her through getting the meal and they had been mostly concerned that she ate something. But she could see the curiosity in their eyes and she knew it was only a matter of time before they started to gently hint that she should start talking.
She just couldn’t do it.
It had been bad enough reporting what had happened to her to the General and the Colonel, and she couldn’t go through it again. She needed to divert their attention, Sam determined.
She cleared her throat and scooped up another lump of jello. ‘So, how did it go in Washington?’
Daniel blinked at her momentarily thrown by her abrupt conversation opener. ‘It, uh, went OK.’
‘The President determined that we took appropriate action in regards to the Aschen.’ Teal’c replied with a satisfied smile.
‘That’s it?’ Sam asked surprised. ‘No details.’ She teased.
Daniel waved his fork at her. ‘There’s not a lot to tell you. Saturday was mostly sitting around waiting and Sunday…’ he stopped abruptly.
‘Sunday?’ Sam prompted.
‘We were all kind of distracted.’ Daniel admitted with a sigh. ‘We hadn’t been able to contact you and we were worried.’
She paused in scraping the glass clean. It felt good to know they had been concerned when they hadn’t been able to contact her; that they had noticed something was wrong. It had been her main worry when she had been cognisant enough to think clearly. With her team-mates in Washington and with her being away on sick leave, she had feared no one would have realised she was gone until she failed to turn up for her check-up with Janet on Monday. She knew she’d been transported and that the trail would have gone cold by the time they realised she was missing.
‘We’re sorry, Sam.’ Daniel said regaining her attention. ‘We should have been here.’ His blue eyes shone with remorse.
‘It’s not your fault, Daniel.’ Sam said lowering her spoon. Her gaze swept over both her team-mates. ‘You had no choice about going to Washington. It was just bad timing.’
At least she hoped that’s all it was. The idea that Kinsey may have set-up the investigation to ensure she was isolated that particular weekend had crossed her mind but there was no evidence and, on the whole, she much preferred to believe that what had happened was down to the sick desperation of Adrian Conrad alone.
‘Do you think Maybourne actually shot Jack?’ Daniel asked suddenly.
‘I don’t know.’ Sam shrugged and frowned at the twinge in her shoulder. The injury she had sustained escaping from the Aschen wasn’t completely healed. ‘According to the Colonel, Conrad was in front of him and he was shot from behind. It could have been anybody. Maybe one of Conrad’s own people.’
‘The Goa’uld would be a valuable asset to a man such as Maybourne.’ Teal’c suggested.
‘Look what Zeditron was willing to pay for the symbiote but a hosted Goa’uld?’ Daniel sighed. ‘One who could provide information?’
‘What was Maybourne doing there anyway?’ Sam asked. The question had been nagging at her ever since the disgraced former Colonel had burst in alongside her CO to rescue her.
Daniel and Teal’c exchanged a look clearly debating what to tell her.
‘Daniel.’ Sam said insistently.
‘Jack didn’t explain how we found you?’ Daniel asked as he pushed his empty plate away and reached for his coffee.
Sam shook her head. ‘I was the only one who debriefed.’ She said shortly. ‘So?’
Daniel took a gulp of caffeine and gestured with the mug. ‘As soon as we confirmed you were missing we began searching for you. The police had found your car by your gym so Jack went over to see what he could find out while Teal’c and I questioned your neighbours.’
Sam shifted uncomfortable. She appreciated the necessity but she hated the idea of everyone knowing what had happened to her.
‘We were discreet.’ Daniel promised her quickly and Sam belatedly realised that too much of her discomfort must have shown on her face.
‘We did not uncover any information.’ Teal’c continued. ‘However, O’Neill was able to ascertain from an eye-witness who had heard your cries that you had been grabbed by a number of men.’
Daniel’s lips twisted. ‘We figured it might be the rogue part of the NID and Jack thought Maybourne might be useful. We left a message for him and Maybourne made contact with Jack.’
‘He suggested O’Neill contact Colonel Simmons.’ Teal’c said crisply.
‘Simmons was in on it?’ Sam’s fingers clenched around the spoon tightly. She shouldn’t be surprised, she told herself; Simmons didn’t like her or the rest of SG1. He had actively investigated them twice trying to discredit them.
‘Not exactly.’ Daniel said hurriedly. ‘When Jack went to see him, Simmons told Jack that Maybourne had lied to him; that if he wanted to find out what happened to you that he should ask Maybourne why Zeditron had paid him three million dollars.’
‘The Colonel went to see Simmons?’ Sam repeated. ‘At the Pentagon?’
Teal’c inclined his head. ‘He was most determined to find you, Major Carter.’
Sam shook herself slightly. ‘So that gave you the link to Zeditron?’
Daniel nodded. ‘We did some research and realised Conrad was probably sick.’
‘O’Neill came across Maybourne at Zeditron headquarters and questioned him further.’ Teal’c added.
‘Maybourne admitted to stealing the symbiote from the Russians…’
‘The Russians?’ Sam questioned. ‘The Russians had a Goa’uld symbiote?’
‘They had a Jaffa.’ Daniel corrected. ‘The symbiote was approaching maturity so…’
Sam nodded in understanding and waved at him to continue.
‘Maybourne stole the symbiote and delivered it to a doctor.’ Daniel sipped his drink. ‘He led Jack to the doctor’s office and when Jack faxed us Conrad’s medical file, Janet was able to diagnose him. She was the one who suggested that Conrad would probably be at a medical facility which is when I remembered Zeditron owned Saint Catherine’s hospital.’
‘The building where I was held.’ Sam concluded with a shiver. She looked warmly at her team-mates. ‘I can’t believe you pieced it together.’ She smiled tiredly. ‘But I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you did.’
Daniel and Teal’c exchanged another look.
‘Jack did a lot of the legwork.’ Daniel said quietly. ‘He was determined to find you.’
Sam didn’t know how to react to that. She lowered her gaze to the remains of her jello. The Colonel was protective of the whole team, she told herself firmly. He would have done the same if Daniel or Teal’c had gone missing. It didn’t mean anything. He had made it clear after he had almost killed her to save the base that he wanted them to have a purely professional relationship and leave their previously declared inappropriate feelings in the past.
Sam knew it was for the best; the regulations existed for a reason. They couldn’t love each other and serve with each other. It was too dangerous. She had done her best to follow the Colonel’s lead but she had come to the conclusion that she still loved him even if he had moved on and was dating someone else. Sam sighed. She had decided to bury her feelings and focus on her career. She couldn’t bear the idea that he would realise how she felt and pity her. She looked down at the remnants of her meal. She was tired, too tired to be thinking about the Colonel and her feelings for him.
‘I’m beat.’ Sam admitted bluntly. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘We will escort you to quarters.’ Teal’c informed her as he stood up to allow her to leave the table. Daniel hastily drained his mug and stood up.
She nodded. She wanted to refuse, to claim she was fine, but the part of her that was thankful for the protective presence of her team-mates even in the safety of the base won hands down.
‘Thanks, guys.’ Sam let them guide her back through the corridors of the SGC. They reached her quarters and Sam slid her card through the security reader. The door swung open.
‘Will you be OK?’ Daniel asked hesitantly. ‘I can stay if you want.’ He gave a shrug as though to underscore he didn’t mind and that it was her decision.
‘I’m just going to crash.’ She reached forward and Daniel’s arms gently encased her. ‘Thank you.’
Daniel hugged her. ‘It’s good to have you back.’
Sam let go of Daniel and accepted a similar hug from Teal’c.
‘Sleep well, Major Carter.’ Teal’c said, releasing her.
She stepped back comforted by their evident concern and care for her. ‘I’ll see you both in the morning.’ She entered her room and closed the door.
The silence in the small room was deafening.
She was alone.
Completely alone.
The bed suddenly looked foreboding; the idea of sleep seemed scary. She didn’t want to close her eyes and be alone with her thoughts. She didn’t want to dream about what had happened to her.
Sam rubbed her arms suddenly chilled. Maybe a warm shower would help relax her, Sam mused. She wandered into the small adjoining bathroom and turned the water on. She began to strip. She unbuttoned her shirt and shrugged it off her shoulders, wincing as her bad shoulder twinged. She pulled off her t-shirt and stopped as her eyes caught on her image in the mirror. She took a step toward it. Her fingers grazed over the small plasters that covered her abdomen; another by her breast and yet another under her arm.
She ripped them off violently exposing the harsh red lines and puncture marks that marred her body. Her breath shortened at the ugly sight of them. Her fingers trembled as they touched each mark. Tears stung her eyes. They would heal and disappear eventually. She took off the rest of her clothing, revealing the patchwork of bruises on her legs and hips; the dull marks that gave away where she had been restrained. She closed her eyes as she stepped under the warm spray of the water.
Her head bowed. Hot tears leaked out from the corners of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She leaned heavily on the back wall of the shower as she sobbed. Her body shook. Eventually, she sank into a sitting position. She huddled in the far corner; her knees under her chin, her arms tight around her legs. Her eyes were pinned to the open bathroom door. The water cascaded over her shaking form.
Shock.
She was in shock.
She registered the realisation dimly. Seeing the evidence of her experience had made it real again.
She had been abducted.
She had been subjected to examinations.
By humans. Humans on Earth. Not the Goa’uld, or some strange aliens, or the humans of some odd sociological evolution but humans on Earth.
To her captors she had been less than human; not worthy of respect because of her experience with Jolinar; she had been an object to be used and abused. If her team hadn’t shown up she would be dead. The memory of the doctors grabbing her so they could inject her, kill her so they could continue their experiments…God, she couldn’t even remember most of what had happened to her during the period she had been drugged. All she could remember was not being in control.
Just like when Jolinar had taken over her body except as a host she had seen everything Jolinar did. Everything was too fuzzy this time; too out of focus. There were flashes. She could remember being naked and vulnerable. Cold. So cold. Metal against her skin; needle pricks…rough hands on her body, pulling and pinching.
Sam abruptly stumbled into a standing position and reached for the soap and sponge. She ruthlessly scrubbed at her body, ignoring the sharp sting as her wounds broke open and bled again. She scrubbed and rinsed. Scrubbed and rinsed again. She repeated it until her arms were heavy and tired. She stayed under the spray and let it wash away the remaining suds, the faint blood marks.
She stepped out and shivered violently. She turned away hurriedly and retched into the toilet, grateful that the shower noise covered the sounds of her vomiting her meagre dinner. She flushed the lavatory and rinsed her mouth, brushed her teeth. She reached for a towel, wrapping it around her body tightly. She reached for another and towelled her hair before she slung it over her shoulders. She made her way back into the bedroom.
She dressed into her pyjamas quickly and climbed into the bed. She sat with her back straight against the pillows; her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her calves. Her eyes were locked on the door. She didn’t feel safe.
Even in the Mountain.
Even with her team just down the corridor.
She shook badly but stayed where she was. She was tired. So tired. All she wanted to do was sleep.
Her eyes fluttered shut and she snapped them back open. The next time they closed, they stayed shut.
o-O-o
He was running through a Goa’uld mothership. He could hear his footsteps pounding on the floor and the sharp, short breaths that burned his lungs. Desperation filled him. He couldn’t find her…couldn’t find her…
Suddenly he was in an all too familiar tent. Perfume filled his nostrils; made him dizzy.
‘Daniel.’ Her voice with its Abydonian lilt turning his name from ordinary into the exotic just as she had turned him from an ordinary man into an adventurer.
‘Sha’re.’ He turned but it wasn’t his wife who greeted him. Ammonet stared back at him from Sha’re’s dark eyes.
‘You will never find her.’ Ammonet said harshly. ‘She is gone.’
‘No!’ Daniel yelled the word as her hand came up, as the beam hit his forehead, as the pain of losing Sha’re filled him…
And suddenly everything disappeared and he was in the gate room, the Stargate before him. Shifu, Sha’re’s child, stood on the ramp. He looked the same as when Daniel had met him; young, dressed in robes and a strangely wise look in his dark eyes. The last time Daniel had seen him, Shifu had been an Ascended being, disappearing through the Stargate with a wave of a flashy glowing tendril.
‘Shifu.’ Daniel looked around him, disoriented. ‘Where…? What?’ He closed his eyes and shook his head as his hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose. ‘I was looking for someone.’
Sam, he realised belatedly. Sam had been missing.
‘She is safe.’ Shifu confirmed. His young face was troubled. ‘You still grieve for Mother.’
‘Yes.’ Daniel sat down wearily on the ramp. ‘I miss her.’
‘Your journey will not continue while you dwell on her loss.’ Shifu murmured.
Daniel sighed. ‘Maybe I don’t want my journey to continue. I’m not exactly achieving what I set out to do.’ He gave a sad laugh. ‘I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore.’
Shifu reached out and placed a hand on Daniel’s heart. ‘The journey must continue if you are to discover your destination.’
Daniel frowned. ‘You sound like Oma.’
Shifu smiled enigmatically. ‘Yours will not be an easy journey, Father.’
Daniel’s eyes widened. ‘Father?’
Shifu’s head tilted like a bird eyeing a worm. ‘Father.’ He grinned. ‘You must return; they need you and you have much to do before our paths will cross again.’
Daniel woke abruptly, gasping for breath as though he had been running, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He sat up and the sheet covering his body dropped to pool at his hips, leaving his torso bare. He reached for the bedside light and snapped it on. The room flooded with artificial light. He rubbed at his eyes as he stared blearily at the clock.
It was late - or early depending on the definition. He had only managed a couple of hours of sleep.
Sam.
She was safe, he told himself but his arm was already pulling back the covers. He dressed swiftly into BDU pants, a t-shirt and he dragged a shirt over the top to ward off the chill. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that the last day had been a dream; that they hadn’t really found Sam and brought her home. He couldn’t ignore the urge to check. He yanked open his door and slipped out silently into the corridor. He stopped short at the sight of Teal’c outside Sam’s quarters. The Jaffa sat on a chair; his eyes closed; perfectly still.
Daniel gave an understanding grimace. Evidently, Teal’c had determined that he would guard their team-mate. ‘Teal’c.’
The Jaffa’s eyes sprang open and settled on Daniel. ‘Daniel Jackson.’
‘Is she…?’ Daniel waved at the door.
‘She is sleeping.’ Teal’c confirmed. An almost embarrassed look flitted over Teal’c’s usually impassive face. ‘I thought it would be best for one of us to stand guard.’
‘Good idea.’ Daniel dropped to the floor beside Teal’c. He leaned back against the wall. ‘I woke up and, er, just had to check we really found her.’ He closed his eyes and rested his head up against the wall.
Teal’c didn’t respond and Daniel figured he understood.
‘I was thinking.’ Daniel paused as though debating whether to continue and explain further. ‘I was thinking about Diana Mendez.’ He stopped and sighed. ‘Do you think she knew that it wasn’t Adrian Conrad?’
‘You were considering your own experience with Ammonet.’ Teal’c said softly.
‘Yeah.’ Daniel opened his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘I knew it wasn’t Sha’re who tried to kill me; that it was Ammonet, but I just wondered whether…’
‘Whether Diana Mendez realised it was not Adrian Conrad who killed her.’ Teal’c completed.
She probably hadn’t, Daniel considered sadly. Conrad and Mendez didn’t really know the Goa’uld; if they had, they would never have come up their insane idea. ‘I know they were desperate to save Conrad from his disease but I can’t believe they seriously thought they could find a way to control the Goa’uld or extract it.’ He muttered. Conrad’s plan of curing his terminal illness by using the Goa’uld’s healing powers had been deeply flawed. Daniel found his anger stirring.
‘They were foolish.’ Teal’c agreed. He frowned heavily.
Daniel looked towards Sam’s door. He could understand why Sam had not wanted to be in the infirmary, but he couldn’t understand why Janet had agreed to her being in quarters. Sam had seemed too fragile - a description he didn’t often associate with his team-mate. ‘We should have found her sooner.’ He complained, wrapping his arms tighter around his body and staring at the empty, silent corridor in front of him unseeingly.
‘We recovered Major Carter as soon as we located her.’ Teal’c noted.
Daniel shook his head. ‘We should have found her sooner.’ He repeated, some of his buried frustration rising to the surface and sharpening his words. ‘We should have done more.’
Teal’c raised an eyebrow. ‘What more could we have done?’
‘I don’t know.’ Daniel retorted. ‘Something. Raised the alarm earlier.’ He sighed heavily. ‘Gone with Jack to see Simmons.’
Teal’c regarded him evenly. ‘Colonel O’Neill explained his reasoning in going into the field alone.’
‘You didn’t agree with that anymore than I did, Teal’c.’ Daniel pointed out. The Jaffa had been as equally as frustrated as Daniel at being left to the background work as Jack had called it.
Daniel pushed himself off the floor and got up to pace. ‘I just…I just feel completely useless.’ He turned back to Teal’c. He folded his arms over his chest. ‘I mean, what happens now? What do we say? Do we say anything?’
‘I do not know.’ Teal’c confessed. ‘We can only offer our support as Major Carter recovers from her experience and as O’Neill recovers from his wounds.’
Daniel nodded. He fidgeted for a long moment at Teal’c’s gentle reminder of Jack’s injury. Sam hadn’t been the only one they had almost lost the previous day; the memory of seeing the bruise on Jack’s back had been startling as had Janet’s crisp observation that if the Colonel hadn’t been wearing a vest he’d be dead. He waved back down the corridor towards the elevator. ‘I’m going to go check on Jack.’
Teal’c inclined his head in agreement. Daniel walked away slowly. He entered the elevator and rubbed his sore eyes. The infirmary was quiet. The medicinal smell that always permeated its corridors had Daniel wincing. He pulled up a chair by Jack and sat down.
Daniel watched the older man sleeping. The Colonel’s face was tensed, the lines that criss-crossed his features deep and heavy, as though the stress of the past week had followed him into his dreams. It probably had, Daniel mused tiredly.
It seemed surreal.
The whole thing had taken on the quality of a nightmare; Sam getting kidnapped; their frantic search for her; the rescue. He shuddered. If it seemed like a nightmare to him, he hated to think what it felt like to Sam. She had been the one captured, taken hostage; experimented upon.
Guilt stirred. Intellectually, he knew it wasn’t his fault or SG1’s for leaving Sam alone the previous weekend. They had followed their orders to take part in the investigation. They couldn’t have known what would happen.
Yet.
He couldn’t deny that he wondered if he should have raised the alarm earlier when she hadn’t responded to his first set of messages. He had waited too long. It chilled him to think he had debated telling Jack when he did.
Jack shifted in his sleep.
Daniel figured his feeling of guilt was shared by the military man. Jack had worked tirelessly to find Sam during the past week to the exclusion of all else despite the lack of leads and information. Daniel wondered what that meant…if it meant anything. Jack was dating an attractive woman; he had moved on from his feelings for Sam…or had he? Daniel couldn’t forget Jack’s single-minded purpose during Sam’s absence. Jack had acted like a man searching for the woman he loved. Daniel recognised the signs; he had spent the first two and a half years of the Stargate programme doing the same thing when he had searched for Sha’re. Maybe that’s why he had dreamed of his late wife. If they hadn’t found Sam or if they had found Sam too late; Daniel knew only too well what that felt like and he wouldn’t wish it on Jack. It felt like failure. Pure and simple failure.
He nudged his glasses up his nose and rubbed his eyes tiredly.
A soft moan caught Daniel’s attention and he quickly looked over at his friend. He shifted into Jack’s eye-line as the older man came to and blinked groggily. For a moment, he could see the rush of emotions in Jack’s eyes as the memory of the previous day came back; fear, worry, joy, relief. Daniel passed a mug of water to Jack.
Jack took a long drink before he passed it back. ‘Carter?’
His lips twitched. He might have known Jack’s first question would be about Sam, Daniel mused. ‘She’s asleep in her quarters. Teal’c’s watching over her.’
Jack nodded. ‘Good.’ His guarded gaze travelled over Daniel. ‘You look like crap.’
Daniel flushed at the blunt remark. He shrugged at Jack’s questioning stare and pushed his hands in his pants’ pockets. ‘I couldn’t sleep. I mean, I slept but then I was dreaming and I woke myself up because I needed to check on Sam and…’ he took in Jack’s amusement, ‘and you didn’t need to know that.’
Jack made a face. ‘Hey, if I wasn’t shot I’d probably be thinking the whole thing was a dream too.’
‘Or a nightmare.’
‘Or that.’ Jack agreed. He grimaced as he readjusted his position.
‘You want me to, er, get the nurse.’ Daniel pointed over his shoulder.
‘I’m good.’ Jack said grumpily.
‘Really.’ Daniel drawled in disbelief. His eyes flickered to Jack’s bandaged arm.
Jack ignored him.
‘If you hadn’t been wearing a vest you’d be dead.’ Daniel remarked seriously.
‘Don’t remind me.’ Jack muttered. ‘I’m going to kill Maybourne the next time I see him.’
‘You really think it was Maybourne?’ Daniel frowned.
‘You don’t?’ Jack questioned brusquely.
‘Well, I know you two have a…strange relationship going on…’
‘Daniel.’ Jack said warningly.
Daniel shrugged. ‘But I just don’t see it. He had no reason to shoot you, I mean beyond the obvious want to shoot you.’
Jack’s eyebrows quirked upwards. ‘Yeah, well. I’m just glad it was me and not Carter.’ He let his head fall back against the pillow. ‘If I’d sent her down to the basement…’
‘You couldn’t have known, Jack.’ Daniel said comfortingly.
‘I sent her searching for the Goa’uld on her own, Daniel.’ Jack corrected. ‘She was without a vest...back-up.’ He shook his head as though to underscore that he’d had no idea what he had been thinking.
‘If you’d been together you both would have been shot.’ Daniel pointed out. ‘And besides, I think she appreciated you giving her some control after…everything.’
Jack’s eyes brightened. ‘Has she talked with you?’
Daniel reached behind him and sat back down. ‘She questioned whether Simmons was in on it.’
Jack stilled. ‘She did?’
‘You think he is.’ Daniel realised. He slumped back, glaring at Jack. ‘When were you planning to tell us?’
‘Tell you what?’ Jack retorted, playing dumb.
‘That our own government may have been involved in Sam’s abduction.’ Daniel shot back.
Jack sighed heavily. ‘We don’t know that.’
‘Yes we do.’ Daniel replied.
‘No, we don’t.’ Jack insisted.
‘We do.’
‘We don’t.’
‘We do.’
‘I’m not doing this, Daniel.’ Jack snapped. He thrust a hand toward the archaeologist.
There was a tense silence.
‘Conrad had to get his information from somewhere. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that before.’ Daniel put it together out loud. ‘Simmons was probably responsible for the information about the symbiote and Sam ending up in Conrad’s hands in the first place. He probably set it up and used his connection with Kinsey to make sure we were out of the way to give Conrad the best chance of grabbing Sam.’
‘We can’t prove it.’ Jack muttered.
‘This isn’t the first time Simmons has come after us, Jack.’
‘You think I don’t know that, Daniel?’ Jack closed his eyes wearily before he reopened them.
Daniel subsided unhappily. It hurt him more than he wanted to admit that members of his own government - the same government that he had helped save time and time again - might have conspired to kill his friends. It hurt to think all their efforts, everything they had done to help protect Earth was so poorly valued by the very people they put their lives on the line every day to save. It wasn’t that he did what he did to garner favour with the likes of Simmons and Kinsey but he didn’t do it to have people like them treat him and his friends like garbage either. He sighed. The truth was he didn’t really know why he was still going through the Stargate. He had wanted to find Sha’re, wanted to make a difference, and instead all he seemed to have done was started a war they couldn’t win.
‘How do we even stay safe if someone like Simmons is after us?’ Daniel wondered.
‘We’re going to start putting safety checks in place for when we’re Earth-side.’ Jack informed him. ‘It’s not much but it should mean we get quicker at realising when someone goes missing.’
Daniel sighed.
‘The important thing right now is helping Carter get through this.’ Jack added. He gestured at him. ‘I’ve talked Fraiser into giving us some time before she insists on Carter seeing Mackenzie.’
Daniel’s eyebrows shot up above the frames of his glasses. ‘You think that’s wise?’
‘You don’t?’ Jack shot back.
‘I don’t know.’ Daniel admitted. ‘I’m not sure she’s going to open up with us anymore than she would with Mackenzie.’
Jack sighed. ‘What about last night?’
‘She wanted to hear about how we found her.’ Daniel said. ‘She didn’t really talk to us.’ He sat forward. ‘She told you what happened?’
Jack nodded slowly. ‘In her report.’
‘And?’
‘And she was drugged most of the time.’ Jack replied shortly. ‘They brought her out of it to ask her questions; she tried to escape but Conrad caught her. They’d handcuffed her to that bed where I found her only a couple of hours before we turned up.’
‘Wow.’ Daniel sighed. ‘Some timing.’
‘Yeah.’ Something flitted across Jack’s face. The military man glanced at the clock. ‘You should go back to bed.’
Daniel sighed and got to his feet. ‘You, uh, you need me to call anyone?’ He asked, remembering Jack’s lady friend.
‘No.’
‘What about…’
‘I’m not seeing her anymore.’ Jack said succinctly, cutting Daniel off before he completed the sentence.
Daniel wondered if it had anything to do with the way Jack had searched for Sam in the last week. ‘I’m sorry.’
Jack shrugged and winced as the movement caused him pain. He gestured at Daniel. ‘Just…go get some sleep.’
Daniel pulled a face and sketched a wave goodbye. He paused in the corridor and looked at his watch. He’d head to bed and grab a couple of hours more sleep, he decided. Given Jack’s plans he figured he was going to need it and he wasn’t going to be any use to his friends if he was falling asleep on his feet.
Continued in Part II.
Series: Aftershocks
TAG to Episode: S5 Desperate Measures
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Sam/Team friendship. Sam/Jack UST.
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Written for entertainment purposes only.
Always Darkest Before the Dawn
There was a look in Samantha Carter’s eyes that Jack O’Neill had never wanted to see there. In some ways it was a miracle that he had never seen it before despite the trauma the Air Force Major had already suffered during her time in the Stargate programme. But it had been a different trauma that Carter had endured in the last week. She had kidnapped by a man - not an alien or someone on a different planet with a skewed sociological development - just a common garden ordinary man on Earth who had put her through hell.
Humans were the worst, Jack considered bleakly as he tried to get comfortable. The pain one human could inflict on another was more terrifying than most of the things that awaited them through the Stargate. The pain Adrian Conrad and his bunch of doctors had inflicted on Carter was amongst the most horrific. She was questioning herself; her worth as a person. After all, if she was worth anything, why would anyone do what they had done to her? Deny her basic human rights; lock her up, experiment on her like she was a lab rat. He could see the questions forming in her deep blue eyes; had seen them in his own too many times.
He had his own experiences at being told he was worthless, at being held captive by men who considered him less than human; a dog, vermin, crap. He remembered the insults; every one. He knew only too well what it was like to be grabbed without warning, to be drugged and restrained. He knew the helplessness and frustration at being unable to prevent what happened; to have no control. He had seen all his old emotions in Carter’s face as she had told General Hammond and himself of her experience; it was like looking in a mirror only it was her face and not his staring back at him. It was weird. It was bad. Which brought him back to his original thought; Jack had never, never, wanted to see that look in Carter’s eyes.
Jack fought the pull of tiredness and he could see Carter was starting to flag too as Hammond wrapped up the make-shift debriefing held by necessity at Jack’s bedside given his wounded arm and back. She was pale; too pale. They had kept it to military personnel only to give her the illusion of privacy but Jack figured Daniel Jackson and Teal’c were not far away.
Carter had been matter-of-fact; calm even as she had debriefed. Anybody else might have been fooled by her recounting but Jack knew her too well. He’d seen the tremor in her fingers that she had hidden by clasping her hands behind her back when she’d told of being grabbed at her gym. He’d heard her breath catch before she spoke when she recalled her first awakening, her dislocation, and the realisation that she was restrained. He’d heard the shake in her voice that gave away the terror she had felt.
She’d been drugged for the majority of her stay as Conrad’s guest and Jack could see that it disturbed her. She had very few recollections of that period; ceilings, the doctors, dizziness. He empathised. He’d lost weeks of his own life in Iraq. He had no idea what they’d done to him, what he had done during the missing time. It bothered him the not-knowing although he had buried it. Jack knew it would bother Carter. He wondered whether she would be able to bury it in time as he had done.
The doctors holding her had only stopped drugging her to question her it seemed but it had given her an opportunity. He had listened proudly to her as she had told them of her escape attempt. He had seen the same pride in her shining from Hammond’s pale blue eyes. Carter had thought on her feet; she had almost gotten out without them.
When she had told them of her conversation with Conrad, Jack had done a poor job at hiding his anger. They’d already worked out much of what she told them; Conrad was dying, he’d planned to use the Goa’uld symbiote to cure himself; he’d believed Carter would provide the answer on how to free himself of the symbiote once he was better. His actions in kidnapping her and using her like a lab rat had seemed entirely justified in his desperation.
Jack couldn’t have cared less about Conrad’s motives. In his opinion, the guy was a selfish cretin who didn’t deserve to live for what he had put Carter through and if he ever came across him again he wouldn’t hesitate to kill him. Cold anger settled in Jack’s belly; there was something to be said for the whole Jaffa revenge gig. Jack grimaced. The truth was that he’d had Conrad in his sights and he’d been a hair’s breadth away from shooting the damn guy when Harry Maybourne had shot him.
Damn it.
He was so shooting Maybourne the next time he saw him. Not that he didn’t owe the disgraced former Colonel; Maybourne had helped Jack find Carter in the end.
Jack’s eyes ran back over her as she finished answering Hammond’s questions on their rescue and return to the SGC. He barely remembered the trip back in the specially arranged jet Hammond had procured. He remembered the hard concrete floor beneath him when he regained consciousness after being shot and trying not to move as Carter had seen to the bullet wound in his arm. He remembered Teal’c and Daniel both appearing with Janet Fraiser. He had a vague memory of being injected with something…of waking on the flight back and seeing Carter asleep in the seat beside him, dressed in spare clothing and shivering despite the blanket someone had placed over her…he had drifted back to sleep with only the thought that Carter was safe.
Carter was safe.
Maybourne’s early warning to Jack that he should prepare himself for Carter not coming back hadn’t come true and a fresh wave of relief rushed through Jack and stole his breath. He had struggled with the warning even though he had known from the moment they had confirmed Carter was missing that it was a possibility that she was dead. He had refused to believe it.
Couldn’t believe it.
Hadn’t wanted to.
He had needed desperately to believe that she was alive; that they would bring her home because after an incident where a computer entity had possessed her, Jack knew what it was like to believe Carter was dead and he never wanted to be there again. It had been the reason why he had pushed them both into returning to a professional relationship; to protect himself and to protect her from getting too close while they still had a war to fight. He had even tried to move on and date somebody else as Carter had moved on and dated other guys but it hadn’t worked out. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Carter; would rather die himself than lose her.
He still loved her.
That thought rippled through him like blood through his veins, air through his lungs. He would always love her; he was reconciled to that.
But he had still failed to protect her.
The knowledge sat heavy on his shoulders. If he had almost lost her to the computer entity because they were too close, he had almost lost her to Conrad because they weren’t close enough. He’d taken a step back; she had taken a step back, and the resulting gap between them was too wide. As her CO he’d had no reason to check in with Carter when the rest of SG1 had been ordered to Washington the weekend before to take part in an investigation over the events with the Aschen. Carter had been injured and exempt from the review despite her pivotal role in revealing the Aschen’s duplicity. If it hadn’t been for Daniel raising the alarm when he’d failed to get hold of her…
Jack’s mind flashed to the moment he had burst into the sterile hospital room and seen Carter struggling with the two doctors for her life. He could remember the light glinting off the needle on the syringe; Carter’s terrified face. A second later and he would have been too late. The thought tightened his chest and he rubbed it absently as though to ease the pain in his heart.
It had been close.
Too close. Before their step back, he would have called her himself, Jack thought with some consternation. They would probably have made arrangements to check in with each other. He would have known she was missing so much sooner and maybe, just maybe, they would have found her before the doctors had decided to kill her for their experiment. There had to be a happy medium, Jack contemplated tiredly; some way for him to balance the fact that he loved her with protecting her.
‘Colonel?’ Hammond’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts and Jack glanced up to see both the General and Carter looking back at him worriedly.
‘Sorry.’ Jack reached up and rubbed his face with his good hand. ‘I was…’ he gestured vaguely, ‘you know.’
‘You should probably get some rest, sir.’ Sam offered, her blue eyes running over him.
‘You too.’ Jack shot back. He frowned. ‘Shouldn’t you be in one of these oh-so-comfy beds yourself?’
Sam’s gaze dropped to his feet. ‘Doctor Fraiser’s given me permission to stay in my quarters.’
Jack’s eyes narrowed on her. He had a feeling that she had begged to stay out of the infirmary and given her experience he could understand why; it didn’t explain why the CMO had acquiesced. ‘That’s not fair.’ He said out loud, hoping he could distract her from dwelling by getting her focused on something else. ‘If you’re in quarters, I should be in quarters.’
‘You’re on a morphine drip, sir.’ Sam’s eyes flickered back up to him.
‘So.’ Jack motioned at her. ‘Help me out, Carter. I can take it with me.’
‘Colonel.’ Hammond’s use of his rank had Jack subsiding and a brief glance at Hammond revealed the General had known why Jack had made his bid for freedom as they both took in Carter’s amusement.
Janet entered and stopped at the sight of the General stood beside the bed. ‘Sir?’
Hammond waved her forward. ‘Doctor.’
Janet approached with her hands in the pockets of her medical coat. Her brown eyes went straight to Carter. ‘You should get some food and rest, Major.’
‘I concur.’ Hammond said gently. ‘We’re done here.’
Jack’s eyes caught on a movement in the doorway. ‘Perfect timing.’ He waved his hovering team-mates forward. Daniel entered sheepishly while Teal’c retained an impassive exterior. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’ Daniel responded. He crossed his arms as he halted on the other side of the bed from the General, Sam and Janet. ‘You OK?’
‘I’m on a morphine drip.’ Jack said succinctly.
Daniel nodded without replying and his anxious gaze moved to Sam.
‘Why don’t you kids take Carter and get some food? Make sure she gets some rest?’ Jack suggested.
Sam bristled. ‘Sir.’
Jack caught her eyes. ‘Carter.’ He jerked his head at the guys. They had been through hell during the search for her and he figured they needed the time with her as much as she needed food and a straight eight hours. He saw the realisation dawn in her blue eyes.
Sam sighed and smiled wanly at Daniel and Teal’c. ‘I guess I could eat.’
‘You should keep it light.’ Janet cautioned. ‘Soft foods.’
Teal’c smiled back. ‘It will be a pleasure to escort you to the commissary, Major Carter.’
Daniel smiled, pleased. He glanced back at Jack and the two men exchanged a silent message as the archaeologist acknowledged Jack had passed the responsibility for looking after Carter to him and Teal’c. ‘You want us to bring you something back?’
Jack opened his mouth to answer.
‘No.’ Janet spoke before he could. ‘The Colonel will be sleeping. You can come back and see him in the morning.’
‘Doc!’ Jack protested - more because he knew it was expected than because the idea of sleeping wasn’t attractive.
‘We’ll see you in the morning, sir.’ Sam said formally. She hesitated, her eyes flitting to Hammond and Janet as though considering their presence. She obviously decided against saying anything more. She gave a nod and turned for the door.
Jack watched as his three team-mates walked out.
‘Doctor,’ Hammond said, ‘perhaps you can give your report on Major Carter before Colonel O’Neill rests.’
Janet looked for a moment as though she was going to argue but she sighed and nodded instead. ‘Her blood work came back clean. Whatever drugs she was subjected to have left her system.’ She wet her lips and her eyes darted between the two men. ‘There’s no physical evidence to suggest she was sexually assaulted during her periods of unconsciousness.’
‘Thank God.’ Hammond said fervently.
Jack felt his own throat close up at the news. He had wondered; they had all wondered. She had been kept hostage for so long.
Janet nodded. ‘Regardless, Major Carter’s body was subjected to medical procedures against her will. There are healing puncture marks and incisions on her body. I believe they have performed a number of biopsies.’ Her words were crisp but her brown eyes shone with her distress.
Jack shook his head in denial that Carter had been put through that. He could see Hammond struggle with it too.
‘Given that, and given the psychological impact…’ Janet stopped unable to continue.
‘It’s just like they raped her.’ Jack completed.
Janet nodded reluctantly. ‘Control of her body was taken away from her. She was physically assaulted.’ She sighed angrily. ‘Then there’s the trauma of knowing that she was considered to be on a par with a lab rat with these guys. The way she was dehumanised.’ She pressed her lips together. ‘I recommend a period of psychological treatment before she returns to full duty.’
‘She’s so not going to like that.’ Jack commented without thinking.
The petite doctor glared at him.
‘Come on, Doc.’ Jack said. ‘You really think she’s going to open up with Mackenzie? She can barely stand being around the infirmary; around you.’ He held her eyes. ‘I’m guessing that’s why you’ve agreed to her staying in quarters.’
‘Against my better judgement.’ Janet shot back. ‘And her fear of doctors and the infirmary are part of the reason why it’s imperative she get help from professionals, Colonel.’
Jack lifted a hand from his bed and gestured. ‘Forcing medical help on her right now is only going to do more damage.’ He paused and caught Janet’s eye. ‘I should know.’
Janet looked momentarily shocked. Jack guessed that it was his sudden willingness to admit that he had been through the same thing that had taken the wind out of her sails. He saw her gaze stray to his morphine drip.
‘You have another suggestion, Colonel?’ Hammond jumped in swiftly.
‘Let SG1 handle it.’ Jack said immediately. ‘We can get her through it.’ He looked at Janet. ‘Enough so she might request help.’
Janet frowned. ‘And if that means sharing some of your own experiences with the Major, Colonel? Are you telling me you’re really prepared to do that?’
‘If that’s what it takes to get her through it.’ Jack didn’t hesitate. He hated what he had been through; hated the idea of sharing but if sharing every excruciating minute of his experience helped Carter come to terms with hers, it would be worth it.
‘Doctor?’ Hammond prompted.
She sighed. ‘I would want to monitor the Major’s progress, sir.’
‘Yes.’ Jack couldn’t contain his glee at getting his way.
‘But.’ Janet said quickly. She shot him a look before she turned to the General. ‘If I feel that the Major isn’t progressing with her recovery, I reserve the right to revisit this and,’ she stressed, ‘she will be subject to a pysch eval before I clear her for off-world duties.’
‘Agreed.’ Hammond said.
Jack pulled a face but he accepted the compromise.
‘Now you need to rest.’ Janet said briskly.
‘I need another five minutes with the Colonel.’ Hammond said firmly.
‘Sir…’
‘Five minutes, Doctor.’ Hammond promised, holding up a hand to forestall the argument he could see forming in her eyes.
Janet glowered unhappily but acquiesced with a nod. She turned on her heel and left.
‘You know she’s going to be timing you.’ Jack commented and frowned. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. His eyes darted to the drip and he saw Hammond follow his gaze with some bemusement.
Hammond cleared his throat. ‘We have a problem.’
Jack sobered. ‘You think the investigation on the Aschen was a set-up to grab Carter.’ It wasn’t a question; he’d had the same thought.
‘Let’s just say it seems awfully convenient that Major Carter is grabbed the same weekend that the rest of us are required to be elsewhere at the insistence of something instigated by Senator Kinsey.’ Hammond noted tersely. ‘Add to that that she was a main witness but excluded because of her injury…’ His round face was red; his jaw clenched. It was evident what conclusion Hammond had drawn.
‘We saw Kinsey and Simmons at the Pentagon. They know each other.’ Jack sighed. He pointed at his CO. ‘I would bet my house that Simmons knew the exact details of Maybourne’s deal with Zeditron and exactly what Conrad had planned.’
Hammond pursed his lips. ‘You think Simmons set it up.’
‘Set it up or was planning to take advantage of it.’ Jack admitted. ‘I can’t prove it but let’s face it; the NID would love to get their hands on a live Goa’uld and they’ve been after Carter for years. Conrad’s plan provided them with two for one.’
The disgust on Hammond’s face matched Jack’s. ‘We dropped the ball.’
Jack couldn’t disagree with him.
Hammond sighed. ‘I think Major Carter doesn’t need to know that her own government may have conspired in her abduction.’
‘No, sir.’ Jack wondered how he was going to stop her from piecing it together.
‘The question is how do we stop it from happening again?’ Hammond sighed tiredly.
‘We need to start implementing security checks for when we’re Earth-side.’ Jack said strongly. ‘For all SG teams. SG1 may be more at risk but we’re not the only ones who’ve gotten into some strange crap and might be on the NID’s most wanted list.’
‘I’ll issue orders.’ Hammond said. He gestured at Jack. ‘Get some rest.’
Jack nodded. The morphine had dulled the aches in his body and made him drowsy. Sleep sounded good. He settled back against the pillows and pulled the blankets closer. He closed his eyes.
‘Jack.’
Hammond’s rare use of his first name had Jack’s eyes snapping open.
‘Good job bringing her home, son.’ Hammond said quietly. His pale blue eyes met Jack’s appreciatively and Jack’s chest constricted painfully. He sometimes forgot about Hammond’s relationship with the Carters; sometimes forgot he wasn’t the only one who loved her…
Jack gave a slow nod. Hammond gave a small smile and disappeared. Jack felt his eyes closing again inextricably. Carter was safe; he could sleep.
o-O-o
Sam stirred listlessly at the soup she had selected and pushed what she thought was a carrot from one side of her bowl to the other. She glanced across the table and met Daniel’s concerned gaze at the amount of food she had left. She firmed her lips and pushed the meal away reaching for the blue jello she had selected as dessert.
‘Major Carter…’ Teal’c began but stopped at the glare she levelled on him.
‘You should eat.’ Daniel said, apparently ignoring her unhappiness at their fussing.
‘I am eating.’ She pointed her spoon at the jello.
Daniel tutted but subsided. He reached for the pecan pie he had chosen and dug in. For a few moments they were all fixated on eating.
Sam appreciated the quiet. They sat at the back of the commissary, at a table tucked away into the far corner. Its position deterred everyone from coming over; either that or Teal’c’s glare. The Jaffa sat beside her, providing a shield between her and the rest of the world. As much as she hated to admit it, she appreciated it. She didn’t have the strength to deal with the well-meaning platitudes of other people. She barely had the strength to deal with the usual background noise and the strange feeling of normality at sitting there. She could almost pretend that the past week hadn’t happened.
Her team-mates hadn’t asked her any questions as they had shepherded her through getting the meal and they had been mostly concerned that she ate something. But she could see the curiosity in their eyes and she knew it was only a matter of time before they started to gently hint that she should start talking.
She just couldn’t do it.
It had been bad enough reporting what had happened to her to the General and the Colonel, and she couldn’t go through it again. She needed to divert their attention, Sam determined.
She cleared her throat and scooped up another lump of jello. ‘So, how did it go in Washington?’
Daniel blinked at her momentarily thrown by her abrupt conversation opener. ‘It, uh, went OK.’
‘The President determined that we took appropriate action in regards to the Aschen.’ Teal’c replied with a satisfied smile.
‘That’s it?’ Sam asked surprised. ‘No details.’ She teased.
Daniel waved his fork at her. ‘There’s not a lot to tell you. Saturday was mostly sitting around waiting and Sunday…’ he stopped abruptly.
‘Sunday?’ Sam prompted.
‘We were all kind of distracted.’ Daniel admitted with a sigh. ‘We hadn’t been able to contact you and we were worried.’
She paused in scraping the glass clean. It felt good to know they had been concerned when they hadn’t been able to contact her; that they had noticed something was wrong. It had been her main worry when she had been cognisant enough to think clearly. With her team-mates in Washington and with her being away on sick leave, she had feared no one would have realised she was gone until she failed to turn up for her check-up with Janet on Monday. She knew she’d been transported and that the trail would have gone cold by the time they realised she was missing.
‘We’re sorry, Sam.’ Daniel said regaining her attention. ‘We should have been here.’ His blue eyes shone with remorse.
‘It’s not your fault, Daniel.’ Sam said lowering her spoon. Her gaze swept over both her team-mates. ‘You had no choice about going to Washington. It was just bad timing.’
At least she hoped that’s all it was. The idea that Kinsey may have set-up the investigation to ensure she was isolated that particular weekend had crossed her mind but there was no evidence and, on the whole, she much preferred to believe that what had happened was down to the sick desperation of Adrian Conrad alone.
‘Do you think Maybourne actually shot Jack?’ Daniel asked suddenly.
‘I don’t know.’ Sam shrugged and frowned at the twinge in her shoulder. The injury she had sustained escaping from the Aschen wasn’t completely healed. ‘According to the Colonel, Conrad was in front of him and he was shot from behind. It could have been anybody. Maybe one of Conrad’s own people.’
‘The Goa’uld would be a valuable asset to a man such as Maybourne.’ Teal’c suggested.
‘Look what Zeditron was willing to pay for the symbiote but a hosted Goa’uld?’ Daniel sighed. ‘One who could provide information?’
‘What was Maybourne doing there anyway?’ Sam asked. The question had been nagging at her ever since the disgraced former Colonel had burst in alongside her CO to rescue her.
Daniel and Teal’c exchanged a look clearly debating what to tell her.
‘Daniel.’ Sam said insistently.
‘Jack didn’t explain how we found you?’ Daniel asked as he pushed his empty plate away and reached for his coffee.
Sam shook her head. ‘I was the only one who debriefed.’ She said shortly. ‘So?’
Daniel took a gulp of caffeine and gestured with the mug. ‘As soon as we confirmed you were missing we began searching for you. The police had found your car by your gym so Jack went over to see what he could find out while Teal’c and I questioned your neighbours.’
Sam shifted uncomfortable. She appreciated the necessity but she hated the idea of everyone knowing what had happened to her.
‘We were discreet.’ Daniel promised her quickly and Sam belatedly realised that too much of her discomfort must have shown on her face.
‘We did not uncover any information.’ Teal’c continued. ‘However, O’Neill was able to ascertain from an eye-witness who had heard your cries that you had been grabbed by a number of men.’
Daniel’s lips twisted. ‘We figured it might be the rogue part of the NID and Jack thought Maybourne might be useful. We left a message for him and Maybourne made contact with Jack.’
‘He suggested O’Neill contact Colonel Simmons.’ Teal’c said crisply.
‘Simmons was in on it?’ Sam’s fingers clenched around the spoon tightly. She shouldn’t be surprised, she told herself; Simmons didn’t like her or the rest of SG1. He had actively investigated them twice trying to discredit them.
‘Not exactly.’ Daniel said hurriedly. ‘When Jack went to see him, Simmons told Jack that Maybourne had lied to him; that if he wanted to find out what happened to you that he should ask Maybourne why Zeditron had paid him three million dollars.’
‘The Colonel went to see Simmons?’ Sam repeated. ‘At the Pentagon?’
Teal’c inclined his head. ‘He was most determined to find you, Major Carter.’
Sam shook herself slightly. ‘So that gave you the link to Zeditron?’
Daniel nodded. ‘We did some research and realised Conrad was probably sick.’
‘O’Neill came across Maybourne at Zeditron headquarters and questioned him further.’ Teal’c added.
‘Maybourne admitted to stealing the symbiote from the Russians…’
‘The Russians?’ Sam questioned. ‘The Russians had a Goa’uld symbiote?’
‘They had a Jaffa.’ Daniel corrected. ‘The symbiote was approaching maturity so…’
Sam nodded in understanding and waved at him to continue.
‘Maybourne stole the symbiote and delivered it to a doctor.’ Daniel sipped his drink. ‘He led Jack to the doctor’s office and when Jack faxed us Conrad’s medical file, Janet was able to diagnose him. She was the one who suggested that Conrad would probably be at a medical facility which is when I remembered Zeditron owned Saint Catherine’s hospital.’
‘The building where I was held.’ Sam concluded with a shiver. She looked warmly at her team-mates. ‘I can’t believe you pieced it together.’ She smiled tiredly. ‘But I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you did.’
Daniel and Teal’c exchanged another look.
‘Jack did a lot of the legwork.’ Daniel said quietly. ‘He was determined to find you.’
Sam didn’t know how to react to that. She lowered her gaze to the remains of her jello. The Colonel was protective of the whole team, she told herself firmly. He would have done the same if Daniel or Teal’c had gone missing. It didn’t mean anything. He had made it clear after he had almost killed her to save the base that he wanted them to have a purely professional relationship and leave their previously declared inappropriate feelings in the past.
Sam knew it was for the best; the regulations existed for a reason. They couldn’t love each other and serve with each other. It was too dangerous. She had done her best to follow the Colonel’s lead but she had come to the conclusion that she still loved him even if he had moved on and was dating someone else. Sam sighed. She had decided to bury her feelings and focus on her career. She couldn’t bear the idea that he would realise how she felt and pity her. She looked down at the remnants of her meal. She was tired, too tired to be thinking about the Colonel and her feelings for him.
‘I’m beat.’ Sam admitted bluntly. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘We will escort you to quarters.’ Teal’c informed her as he stood up to allow her to leave the table. Daniel hastily drained his mug and stood up.
She nodded. She wanted to refuse, to claim she was fine, but the part of her that was thankful for the protective presence of her team-mates even in the safety of the base won hands down.
‘Thanks, guys.’ Sam let them guide her back through the corridors of the SGC. They reached her quarters and Sam slid her card through the security reader. The door swung open.
‘Will you be OK?’ Daniel asked hesitantly. ‘I can stay if you want.’ He gave a shrug as though to underscore he didn’t mind and that it was her decision.
‘I’m just going to crash.’ She reached forward and Daniel’s arms gently encased her. ‘Thank you.’
Daniel hugged her. ‘It’s good to have you back.’
Sam let go of Daniel and accepted a similar hug from Teal’c.
‘Sleep well, Major Carter.’ Teal’c said, releasing her.
She stepped back comforted by their evident concern and care for her. ‘I’ll see you both in the morning.’ She entered her room and closed the door.
The silence in the small room was deafening.
She was alone.
Completely alone.
The bed suddenly looked foreboding; the idea of sleep seemed scary. She didn’t want to close her eyes and be alone with her thoughts. She didn’t want to dream about what had happened to her.
Sam rubbed her arms suddenly chilled. Maybe a warm shower would help relax her, Sam mused. She wandered into the small adjoining bathroom and turned the water on. She began to strip. She unbuttoned her shirt and shrugged it off her shoulders, wincing as her bad shoulder twinged. She pulled off her t-shirt and stopped as her eyes caught on her image in the mirror. She took a step toward it. Her fingers grazed over the small plasters that covered her abdomen; another by her breast and yet another under her arm.
She ripped them off violently exposing the harsh red lines and puncture marks that marred her body. Her breath shortened at the ugly sight of them. Her fingers trembled as they touched each mark. Tears stung her eyes. They would heal and disappear eventually. She took off the rest of her clothing, revealing the patchwork of bruises on her legs and hips; the dull marks that gave away where she had been restrained. She closed her eyes as she stepped under the warm spray of the water.
Her head bowed. Hot tears leaked out from the corners of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She leaned heavily on the back wall of the shower as she sobbed. Her body shook. Eventually, she sank into a sitting position. She huddled in the far corner; her knees under her chin, her arms tight around her legs. Her eyes were pinned to the open bathroom door. The water cascaded over her shaking form.
Shock.
She was in shock.
She registered the realisation dimly. Seeing the evidence of her experience had made it real again.
She had been abducted.
She had been subjected to examinations.
By humans. Humans on Earth. Not the Goa’uld, or some strange aliens, or the humans of some odd sociological evolution but humans on Earth.
To her captors she had been less than human; not worthy of respect because of her experience with Jolinar; she had been an object to be used and abused. If her team hadn’t shown up she would be dead. The memory of the doctors grabbing her so they could inject her, kill her so they could continue their experiments…God, she couldn’t even remember most of what had happened to her during the period she had been drugged. All she could remember was not being in control.
Just like when Jolinar had taken over her body except as a host she had seen everything Jolinar did. Everything was too fuzzy this time; too out of focus. There were flashes. She could remember being naked and vulnerable. Cold. So cold. Metal against her skin; needle pricks…rough hands on her body, pulling and pinching.
Sam abruptly stumbled into a standing position and reached for the soap and sponge. She ruthlessly scrubbed at her body, ignoring the sharp sting as her wounds broke open and bled again. She scrubbed and rinsed. Scrubbed and rinsed again. She repeated it until her arms were heavy and tired. She stayed under the spray and let it wash away the remaining suds, the faint blood marks.
She stepped out and shivered violently. She turned away hurriedly and retched into the toilet, grateful that the shower noise covered the sounds of her vomiting her meagre dinner. She flushed the lavatory and rinsed her mouth, brushed her teeth. She reached for a towel, wrapping it around her body tightly. She reached for another and towelled her hair before she slung it over her shoulders. She made her way back into the bedroom.
She dressed into her pyjamas quickly and climbed into the bed. She sat with her back straight against the pillows; her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her calves. Her eyes were locked on the door. She didn’t feel safe.
Even in the Mountain.
Even with her team just down the corridor.
She shook badly but stayed where she was. She was tired. So tired. All she wanted to do was sleep.
Her eyes fluttered shut and she snapped them back open. The next time they closed, they stayed shut.
o-O-o
He was running through a Goa’uld mothership. He could hear his footsteps pounding on the floor and the sharp, short breaths that burned his lungs. Desperation filled him. He couldn’t find her…couldn’t find her…
Suddenly he was in an all too familiar tent. Perfume filled his nostrils; made him dizzy.
‘Daniel.’ Her voice with its Abydonian lilt turning his name from ordinary into the exotic just as she had turned him from an ordinary man into an adventurer.
‘Sha’re.’ He turned but it wasn’t his wife who greeted him. Ammonet stared back at him from Sha’re’s dark eyes.
‘You will never find her.’ Ammonet said harshly. ‘She is gone.’
‘No!’ Daniel yelled the word as her hand came up, as the beam hit his forehead, as the pain of losing Sha’re filled him…
And suddenly everything disappeared and he was in the gate room, the Stargate before him. Shifu, Sha’re’s child, stood on the ramp. He looked the same as when Daniel had met him; young, dressed in robes and a strangely wise look in his dark eyes. The last time Daniel had seen him, Shifu had been an Ascended being, disappearing through the Stargate with a wave of a flashy glowing tendril.
‘Shifu.’ Daniel looked around him, disoriented. ‘Where…? What?’ He closed his eyes and shook his head as his hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose. ‘I was looking for someone.’
Sam, he realised belatedly. Sam had been missing.
‘She is safe.’ Shifu confirmed. His young face was troubled. ‘You still grieve for Mother.’
‘Yes.’ Daniel sat down wearily on the ramp. ‘I miss her.’
‘Your journey will not continue while you dwell on her loss.’ Shifu murmured.
Daniel sighed. ‘Maybe I don’t want my journey to continue. I’m not exactly achieving what I set out to do.’ He gave a sad laugh. ‘I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore.’
Shifu reached out and placed a hand on Daniel’s heart. ‘The journey must continue if you are to discover your destination.’
Daniel frowned. ‘You sound like Oma.’
Shifu smiled enigmatically. ‘Yours will not be an easy journey, Father.’
Daniel’s eyes widened. ‘Father?’
Shifu’s head tilted like a bird eyeing a worm. ‘Father.’ He grinned. ‘You must return; they need you and you have much to do before our paths will cross again.’
Daniel woke abruptly, gasping for breath as though he had been running, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He sat up and the sheet covering his body dropped to pool at his hips, leaving his torso bare. He reached for the bedside light and snapped it on. The room flooded with artificial light. He rubbed at his eyes as he stared blearily at the clock.
It was late - or early depending on the definition. He had only managed a couple of hours of sleep.
Sam.
She was safe, he told himself but his arm was already pulling back the covers. He dressed swiftly into BDU pants, a t-shirt and he dragged a shirt over the top to ward off the chill. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that the last day had been a dream; that they hadn’t really found Sam and brought her home. He couldn’t ignore the urge to check. He yanked open his door and slipped out silently into the corridor. He stopped short at the sight of Teal’c outside Sam’s quarters. The Jaffa sat on a chair; his eyes closed; perfectly still.
Daniel gave an understanding grimace. Evidently, Teal’c had determined that he would guard their team-mate. ‘Teal’c.’
The Jaffa’s eyes sprang open and settled on Daniel. ‘Daniel Jackson.’
‘Is she…?’ Daniel waved at the door.
‘She is sleeping.’ Teal’c confirmed. An almost embarrassed look flitted over Teal’c’s usually impassive face. ‘I thought it would be best for one of us to stand guard.’
‘Good idea.’ Daniel dropped to the floor beside Teal’c. He leaned back against the wall. ‘I woke up and, er, just had to check we really found her.’ He closed his eyes and rested his head up against the wall.
Teal’c didn’t respond and Daniel figured he understood.
‘I was thinking.’ Daniel paused as though debating whether to continue and explain further. ‘I was thinking about Diana Mendez.’ He stopped and sighed. ‘Do you think she knew that it wasn’t Adrian Conrad?’
‘You were considering your own experience with Ammonet.’ Teal’c said softly.
‘Yeah.’ Daniel opened his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘I knew it wasn’t Sha’re who tried to kill me; that it was Ammonet, but I just wondered whether…’
‘Whether Diana Mendez realised it was not Adrian Conrad who killed her.’ Teal’c completed.
She probably hadn’t, Daniel considered sadly. Conrad and Mendez didn’t really know the Goa’uld; if they had, they would never have come up their insane idea. ‘I know they were desperate to save Conrad from his disease but I can’t believe they seriously thought they could find a way to control the Goa’uld or extract it.’ He muttered. Conrad’s plan of curing his terminal illness by using the Goa’uld’s healing powers had been deeply flawed. Daniel found his anger stirring.
‘They were foolish.’ Teal’c agreed. He frowned heavily.
Daniel looked towards Sam’s door. He could understand why Sam had not wanted to be in the infirmary, but he couldn’t understand why Janet had agreed to her being in quarters. Sam had seemed too fragile - a description he didn’t often associate with his team-mate. ‘We should have found her sooner.’ He complained, wrapping his arms tighter around his body and staring at the empty, silent corridor in front of him unseeingly.
‘We recovered Major Carter as soon as we located her.’ Teal’c noted.
Daniel shook his head. ‘We should have found her sooner.’ He repeated, some of his buried frustration rising to the surface and sharpening his words. ‘We should have done more.’
Teal’c raised an eyebrow. ‘What more could we have done?’
‘I don’t know.’ Daniel retorted. ‘Something. Raised the alarm earlier.’ He sighed heavily. ‘Gone with Jack to see Simmons.’
Teal’c regarded him evenly. ‘Colonel O’Neill explained his reasoning in going into the field alone.’
‘You didn’t agree with that anymore than I did, Teal’c.’ Daniel pointed out. The Jaffa had been as equally as frustrated as Daniel at being left to the background work as Jack had called it.
Daniel pushed himself off the floor and got up to pace. ‘I just…I just feel completely useless.’ He turned back to Teal’c. He folded his arms over his chest. ‘I mean, what happens now? What do we say? Do we say anything?’
‘I do not know.’ Teal’c confessed. ‘We can only offer our support as Major Carter recovers from her experience and as O’Neill recovers from his wounds.’
Daniel nodded. He fidgeted for a long moment at Teal’c’s gentle reminder of Jack’s injury. Sam hadn’t been the only one they had almost lost the previous day; the memory of seeing the bruise on Jack’s back had been startling as had Janet’s crisp observation that if the Colonel hadn’t been wearing a vest he’d be dead. He waved back down the corridor towards the elevator. ‘I’m going to go check on Jack.’
Teal’c inclined his head in agreement. Daniel walked away slowly. He entered the elevator and rubbed his sore eyes. The infirmary was quiet. The medicinal smell that always permeated its corridors had Daniel wincing. He pulled up a chair by Jack and sat down.
Daniel watched the older man sleeping. The Colonel’s face was tensed, the lines that criss-crossed his features deep and heavy, as though the stress of the past week had followed him into his dreams. It probably had, Daniel mused tiredly.
It seemed surreal.
The whole thing had taken on the quality of a nightmare; Sam getting kidnapped; their frantic search for her; the rescue. He shuddered. If it seemed like a nightmare to him, he hated to think what it felt like to Sam. She had been the one captured, taken hostage; experimented upon.
Guilt stirred. Intellectually, he knew it wasn’t his fault or SG1’s for leaving Sam alone the previous weekend. They had followed their orders to take part in the investigation. They couldn’t have known what would happen.
Yet.
He couldn’t deny that he wondered if he should have raised the alarm earlier when she hadn’t responded to his first set of messages. He had waited too long. It chilled him to think he had debated telling Jack when he did.
Jack shifted in his sleep.
Daniel figured his feeling of guilt was shared by the military man. Jack had worked tirelessly to find Sam during the past week to the exclusion of all else despite the lack of leads and information. Daniel wondered what that meant…if it meant anything. Jack was dating an attractive woman; he had moved on from his feelings for Sam…or had he? Daniel couldn’t forget Jack’s single-minded purpose during Sam’s absence. Jack had acted like a man searching for the woman he loved. Daniel recognised the signs; he had spent the first two and a half years of the Stargate programme doing the same thing when he had searched for Sha’re. Maybe that’s why he had dreamed of his late wife. If they hadn’t found Sam or if they had found Sam too late; Daniel knew only too well what that felt like and he wouldn’t wish it on Jack. It felt like failure. Pure and simple failure.
He nudged his glasses up his nose and rubbed his eyes tiredly.
A soft moan caught Daniel’s attention and he quickly looked over at his friend. He shifted into Jack’s eye-line as the older man came to and blinked groggily. For a moment, he could see the rush of emotions in Jack’s eyes as the memory of the previous day came back; fear, worry, joy, relief. Daniel passed a mug of water to Jack.
Jack took a long drink before he passed it back. ‘Carter?’
His lips twitched. He might have known Jack’s first question would be about Sam, Daniel mused. ‘She’s asleep in her quarters. Teal’c’s watching over her.’
Jack nodded. ‘Good.’ His guarded gaze travelled over Daniel. ‘You look like crap.’
Daniel flushed at the blunt remark. He shrugged at Jack’s questioning stare and pushed his hands in his pants’ pockets. ‘I couldn’t sleep. I mean, I slept but then I was dreaming and I woke myself up because I needed to check on Sam and…’ he took in Jack’s amusement, ‘and you didn’t need to know that.’
Jack made a face. ‘Hey, if I wasn’t shot I’d probably be thinking the whole thing was a dream too.’
‘Or a nightmare.’
‘Or that.’ Jack agreed. He grimaced as he readjusted his position.
‘You want me to, er, get the nurse.’ Daniel pointed over his shoulder.
‘I’m good.’ Jack said grumpily.
‘Really.’ Daniel drawled in disbelief. His eyes flickered to Jack’s bandaged arm.
Jack ignored him.
‘If you hadn’t been wearing a vest you’d be dead.’ Daniel remarked seriously.
‘Don’t remind me.’ Jack muttered. ‘I’m going to kill Maybourne the next time I see him.’
‘You really think it was Maybourne?’ Daniel frowned.
‘You don’t?’ Jack questioned brusquely.
‘Well, I know you two have a…strange relationship going on…’
‘Daniel.’ Jack said warningly.
Daniel shrugged. ‘But I just don’t see it. He had no reason to shoot you, I mean beyond the obvious want to shoot you.’
Jack’s eyebrows quirked upwards. ‘Yeah, well. I’m just glad it was me and not Carter.’ He let his head fall back against the pillow. ‘If I’d sent her down to the basement…’
‘You couldn’t have known, Jack.’ Daniel said comfortingly.
‘I sent her searching for the Goa’uld on her own, Daniel.’ Jack corrected. ‘She was without a vest...back-up.’ He shook his head as though to underscore that he’d had no idea what he had been thinking.
‘If you’d been together you both would have been shot.’ Daniel pointed out. ‘And besides, I think she appreciated you giving her some control after…everything.’
Jack’s eyes brightened. ‘Has she talked with you?’
Daniel reached behind him and sat back down. ‘She questioned whether Simmons was in on it.’
Jack stilled. ‘She did?’
‘You think he is.’ Daniel realised. He slumped back, glaring at Jack. ‘When were you planning to tell us?’
‘Tell you what?’ Jack retorted, playing dumb.
‘That our own government may have been involved in Sam’s abduction.’ Daniel shot back.
Jack sighed heavily. ‘We don’t know that.’
‘Yes we do.’ Daniel replied.
‘No, we don’t.’ Jack insisted.
‘We do.’
‘We don’t.’
‘We do.’
‘I’m not doing this, Daniel.’ Jack snapped. He thrust a hand toward the archaeologist.
There was a tense silence.
‘Conrad had to get his information from somewhere. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that before.’ Daniel put it together out loud. ‘Simmons was probably responsible for the information about the symbiote and Sam ending up in Conrad’s hands in the first place. He probably set it up and used his connection with Kinsey to make sure we were out of the way to give Conrad the best chance of grabbing Sam.’
‘We can’t prove it.’ Jack muttered.
‘This isn’t the first time Simmons has come after us, Jack.’
‘You think I don’t know that, Daniel?’ Jack closed his eyes wearily before he reopened them.
Daniel subsided unhappily. It hurt him more than he wanted to admit that members of his own government - the same government that he had helped save time and time again - might have conspired to kill his friends. It hurt to think all their efforts, everything they had done to help protect Earth was so poorly valued by the very people they put their lives on the line every day to save. It wasn’t that he did what he did to garner favour with the likes of Simmons and Kinsey but he didn’t do it to have people like them treat him and his friends like garbage either. He sighed. The truth was he didn’t really know why he was still going through the Stargate. He had wanted to find Sha’re, wanted to make a difference, and instead all he seemed to have done was started a war they couldn’t win.
‘How do we even stay safe if someone like Simmons is after us?’ Daniel wondered.
‘We’re going to start putting safety checks in place for when we’re Earth-side.’ Jack informed him. ‘It’s not much but it should mean we get quicker at realising when someone goes missing.’
Daniel sighed.
‘The important thing right now is helping Carter get through this.’ Jack added. He gestured at him. ‘I’ve talked Fraiser into giving us some time before she insists on Carter seeing Mackenzie.’
Daniel’s eyebrows shot up above the frames of his glasses. ‘You think that’s wise?’
‘You don’t?’ Jack shot back.
‘I don’t know.’ Daniel admitted. ‘I’m not sure she’s going to open up with us anymore than she would with Mackenzie.’
Jack sighed. ‘What about last night?’
‘She wanted to hear about how we found her.’ Daniel said. ‘She didn’t really talk to us.’ He sat forward. ‘She told you what happened?’
Jack nodded slowly. ‘In her report.’
‘And?’
‘And she was drugged most of the time.’ Jack replied shortly. ‘They brought her out of it to ask her questions; she tried to escape but Conrad caught her. They’d handcuffed her to that bed where I found her only a couple of hours before we turned up.’
‘Wow.’ Daniel sighed. ‘Some timing.’
‘Yeah.’ Something flitted across Jack’s face. The military man glanced at the clock. ‘You should go back to bed.’
Daniel sighed and got to his feet. ‘You, uh, you need me to call anyone?’ He asked, remembering Jack’s lady friend.
‘No.’
‘What about…’
‘I’m not seeing her anymore.’ Jack said succinctly, cutting Daniel off before he completed the sentence.
Daniel wondered if it had anything to do with the way Jack had searched for Sam in the last week. ‘I’m sorry.’
Jack shrugged and winced as the movement caused him pain. He gestured at Daniel. ‘Just…go get some sleep.’
Daniel pulled a face and sketched a wave goodbye. He paused in the corridor and looked at his watch. He’d head to bed and grab a couple of hours more sleep, he decided. Given Jack’s plans he figured he was going to need it and he wasn’t going to be any use to his friends if he was falling asleep on his feet.
Continued in Part II.