“The First” excerpt
Holy cow, it’s the holiday season already. Can’t quite believe that, but since we’re two weeks away from the official release date of Dreamspinner’s 2010 Advent Calendar, I thought it would be a good time to provide a little excerpt of my contribution to that collection, a short story called “The First.” The excerpt is below the cut.
As a reminder, the story will be available for individual purchase starting December 1, but you can pre-order the whole Advent Calendar (31 stories in all) right now at a significant discount. Please click here for more info. Note: pre-sales end November 25.
Thank you for reading!
The First
Jimmy pushed open the door and bit his lip, turning his face away from the chill of the wind. It was cold. December in New York was always cold, or so Adam kept telling him. But it was Jimmy’s first winter in the city, his first winter anywhere north of Georgia, so it was all new to him. He was learning. A little at a time.
A blond head caught his eye as he zipped up his coat, and he stopped what he was doing to turn and stare, a force of habit. It wasn’t Adam, though. It never was.
“Cut it out,” he mumbled to himself, fumbling to dig his gloves out of his pockets and pull them on before he started shivering. He was being pathetic. He and Adam weren’t together anymore, and he was going to spend this New Year’s alone, and he had to quit obsessing. “You dumped him,” he reminded himself, as if that made it any easier. A gray-haired woman in a business suit glanced at him and then quickly averted her eyes, and he clamped his mouth shut. Now stop talking to yourself. You look like a crazy person. This time, he kept the thought unspoken, at least. Progress.
He had his gloves on now, so he adjusted the straps of his backpack and started moving, joining the masses trudging toward the subway. God, he’d never get used to how crowded it was here. Another thing for Adam to tease him about. Come on, you wuss! he yelled, and Jimmy was there, right there in the memory, running after Adam and grinning because Adam’s smile was infectious. He was smiling big this time, laughing, and the light made his eyes sparkle greener than usual when he looked over his shoulder to make sure Jimmy was following. Don’t be afraid of the big bad city! Jimmy ran faster, keeping an eye on all that blond hair as the head it belonged to ducked and weaved through the crowds of commuters, of tourists, of school kids. Adam was compact and quick, with the lungs of the eighteen-year-old track star he was and the energy of the seven-year-old brat he must surely once have been, and he led Jimmy on a merry chase, down one set of subway stairs and up another, around a corner, through a souvenir shop. When Jimmy finally reached him, he had to grab him by both arms and haul him in quick for a kiss, because it was the only way he knew Adam wouldn’t wriggle away. And also because he loved kissing him. They were out of breath and messy and still laughing, but they stopped where they were, right in the middle of a busy sidewalk in Chinatown, kissing, smiling, lingering. I love you, Adam said, and it made Jimmy’s heart thump a little louder than usual. It always did.
Jimmy shook his head, shaking loose the memory. He had made it into the subway station now, though he hardly remembered getting there. But he slid his metrocard through the reader and pushed through the turnstile, cheeks warm now from the wind burn, or the memory. All the benches were taken, of course. So he leaned against a support beam, staring down at the tracks. Adam liked to watch for rats, though Jimmy thought that was kind of gross. But he seemed to be doing it anyway. Why would you want to see rats? he asked, and this was an old memory now, from one of their first dates. Back before they’d really established that dating was what they were doing.
It’s not about wanting to. It’s about seeing the ultimate. I saw one the size of a poodle once.
Jimmy had laughed then, shoving Adam’s shoulder a little in that playful way that didn’t mean anything if it was two straight guys hanging out, but meant a lot if it wasn’t. You did not. He couldn’t stop grinning. Adam was grinning too.
I did too! Not like that’s so unusual here. Look, that one’s about to ask you for a collar and some kibble.
It wasn’t so funny when he looked where Adam was pointing, and good Lord, what kind of city grew rats that big? Poodle, no, but it would probably give a schnauzer a run for its money. He stepped back a little, right into Adam, who had to put his hands up, catching him, and they laughed again as they stumbled. And then Adam slid his palm down Jimmy’s arm and took his hand, and that was it. That was the moment for Jimmy to either pull his hand away and pretend there was nothing between them or hold on and go for the ride.
He held on.
Standing in the same station now, staring at the same tracks, he found he didn’t regret that, actually. He wouldn’t change anything. The last four months had been amazing, and if he was honest with himself, they were the four months he’d been waiting for kind of all his life. They were the reason he’d transferred from Valdosta State to NYU in his senior year, the reason he’d traveled so far from home. He’d come to New York to fall in love, and he had.
Someone shoved past him, and with a start, Jimmy realized that the train had pulled into the station and the crowds were stepping on board. He stood up, adjusted his backpack again and stepped on too.
***
He was busy when Maura tapped him on the shoulder. Very busy. That was why he didn’t turn around. “Hey,” he said, focusing on the books he was shelving. “What’s up?”
“Wondering how you were doing,” she said. “You want to get some coffee?”
“Can’t.” He still didn’t turn around. “Library seems like a great work-study gig, right? Until it’s semester break, and all the professors want the new books up by-”
“He misses you.”
Jimmy stopped, exhaling, his hand still on the spine of Advances in Biochemistry. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“How long are you going to keep punishing him? He’s apologized a million times.”
“And that makes it okay?” He took another book off the cart but just held it, fingering the cover.
“It was one kiss. He was drunk. It didn’t mea-”
“Maura, I really don’t want to-”
“Oh, come off it!” Her voice was loud now, insistent, and Jimmy saw several people staring now when he turned around. She saw them too, and shifted into a harsh whisper. “Haven’t you ever made a mistake? He loves you.”
He was tired. More than anything else, he just felt tired. “I can’t do this,” he said, and he set down the book in his hand and walked away. Thankfully, she didn’t follow him.
He would have been mad at Adam for siccing Maura on him, but he knew it was probably her own idea. She was used to being the bossy big sister, so she thought she could be Jimmy’s too, even though Jimmy was actually a year older than she was. But she loved them both, and he knew that. He knew that Adam loved him too.
He’d said it first a month and a half ago, casually, while they were hanging out in Jimmy’s dorm room watching a movie. I love you, you know, he’d said, reaching over and stealing the last piece of pizza out of the box. Out of nowhere, and like he didn’t even particularly care whether Jimmy returned the sentiment. Jimmy froze, but Adam didn’t seem to notice. He just resettled into his spot on Jimmy’s lap, leaning back against his chest, taking a big bite of pizza as he returned his focus to the screen. Half an hour later, the movie was almost over and Jimmy’s arms were tight around his boyfriend and he closed his eyes as he said it back, leaning down an inch or two to eliminate the difference in their heights, whispering it into his hair. It was scary, but he did it. And Adam just petted his arm and said, Yeah, I know. And that was that.
They should probably have made love that night, now that he thought about it. Jimmy was in the men’s room now, and not because he was hiding from Maura. Just because he needed some quiet, and the stacks weren’t quite quiet enough. He locked himself in a stall and sat on the toilet and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes, thinking about it. That had probably been what Adam was expecting. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to. God, anyone who looked at Adam would want to. Certainly anybody who was alive, and gay. And Jimmy definitely was. He was clear about that by now. From the first time he’d kissed Adam, he knew. From before that, actually, but that first kiss had certainly shattered all doubt. Adam’s lips were strong and beautiful, not as soft as a girl’s, but better. His body was firm and substantial, lean but not skinny, and he felt really good in Jimmy’s arms, and he just kept wanting him closer. Closer. He made the most wonderful sounds when they kissed, and they always-
“Stop it.” He surprised himself with the sound, which was stupid. And he was talking to himself again, which was very bad. But he had to do something. He got up quickly and exited the stall, going straight to the sink and splashing cold water on his face. And then he lifted his eyes and stared at the mirror, watching the water drip down, breathing. It was an ordinary face, really. Pale skin, dark hair. Slightly too-big nose. Adam called it regal, called his features chiseled, but he was ridiculous. And damn it, Jimmy was thinking about Adam again.
Jimmy dried his face with a quick swipe of a paper towel and hurried back out to his cart, hoping a little single-minded focus on his work would help things. Maura was gone now, but there was a note in her place.
I’m sorry I meddled. I didn’t mean to upset you, honest. Can I make it up to you? Come by the house when you get off tonight and let me take you out for a drink. Adam will be at that New Year’s party at the LGBT union, so I’m guessing you won’t be, and we shouldn’t both be alone on New Year’s Eve, right?
Love ya,
M.
Jimmy felt a twinge of guilt as he folded the note and shoved it in his pocket. She was only trying to be nice, after all, and he’d been pretty rude to her. And actually, a drink with a friend sounded like a pretty good New Year’s plan. Better than takeout Chinese alone in the empty dorms, anyway. He pulled out his phone and sent her a quick text. I’ll be there at 9. Thanks. And sorry.
The phone buzzed almost immediately with her reply. Thanks accepted, sorry unnecessary. Looking forward to kicking your ass at Space Invaders. See you then.
It was the first thing all day that had made Jimmy smile.
By the way, I promise the story gets happier after that. Heh. :)
ETA: Story now available for purchase!
As a reminder, the story will be available for individual purchase starting December 1, but you can pre-order the whole Advent Calendar (31 stories in all) right now at a significant discount. Please click here for more info. Note: pre-sales end November 25.
Thank you for reading!
The First
Jimmy pushed open the door and bit his lip, turning his face away from the chill of the wind. It was cold. December in New York was always cold, or so Adam kept telling him. But it was Jimmy’s first winter in the city, his first winter anywhere north of Georgia, so it was all new to him. He was learning. A little at a time.
A blond head caught his eye as he zipped up his coat, and he stopped what he was doing to turn and stare, a force of habit. It wasn’t Adam, though. It never was.
“Cut it out,” he mumbled to himself, fumbling to dig his gloves out of his pockets and pull them on before he started shivering. He was being pathetic. He and Adam weren’t together anymore, and he was going to spend this New Year’s alone, and he had to quit obsessing. “You dumped him,” he reminded himself, as if that made it any easier. A gray-haired woman in a business suit glanced at him and then quickly averted her eyes, and he clamped his mouth shut. Now stop talking to yourself. You look like a crazy person. This time, he kept the thought unspoken, at least. Progress.
He had his gloves on now, so he adjusted the straps of his backpack and started moving, joining the masses trudging toward the subway. God, he’d never get used to how crowded it was here. Another thing for Adam to tease him about. Come on, you wuss! he yelled, and Jimmy was there, right there in the memory, running after Adam and grinning because Adam’s smile was infectious. He was smiling big this time, laughing, and the light made his eyes sparkle greener than usual when he looked over his shoulder to make sure Jimmy was following. Don’t be afraid of the big bad city! Jimmy ran faster, keeping an eye on all that blond hair as the head it belonged to ducked and weaved through the crowds of commuters, of tourists, of school kids. Adam was compact and quick, with the lungs of the eighteen-year-old track star he was and the energy of the seven-year-old brat he must surely once have been, and he led Jimmy on a merry chase, down one set of subway stairs and up another, around a corner, through a souvenir shop. When Jimmy finally reached him, he had to grab him by both arms and haul him in quick for a kiss, because it was the only way he knew Adam wouldn’t wriggle away. And also because he loved kissing him. They were out of breath and messy and still laughing, but they stopped where they were, right in the middle of a busy sidewalk in Chinatown, kissing, smiling, lingering. I love you, Adam said, and it made Jimmy’s heart thump a little louder than usual. It always did.
Jimmy shook his head, shaking loose the memory. He had made it into the subway station now, though he hardly remembered getting there. But he slid his metrocard through the reader and pushed through the turnstile, cheeks warm now from the wind burn, or the memory. All the benches were taken, of course. So he leaned against a support beam, staring down at the tracks. Adam liked to watch for rats, though Jimmy thought that was kind of gross. But he seemed to be doing it anyway. Why would you want to see rats? he asked, and this was an old memory now, from one of their first dates. Back before they’d really established that dating was what they were doing.
It’s not about wanting to. It’s about seeing the ultimate. I saw one the size of a poodle once.
Jimmy had laughed then, shoving Adam’s shoulder a little in that playful way that didn’t mean anything if it was two straight guys hanging out, but meant a lot if it wasn’t. You did not. He couldn’t stop grinning. Adam was grinning too.
I did too! Not like that’s so unusual here. Look, that one’s about to ask you for a collar and some kibble.
It wasn’t so funny when he looked where Adam was pointing, and good Lord, what kind of city grew rats that big? Poodle, no, but it would probably give a schnauzer a run for its money. He stepped back a little, right into Adam, who had to put his hands up, catching him, and they laughed again as they stumbled. And then Adam slid his palm down Jimmy’s arm and took his hand, and that was it. That was the moment for Jimmy to either pull his hand away and pretend there was nothing between them or hold on and go for the ride.
He held on.
Standing in the same station now, staring at the same tracks, he found he didn’t regret that, actually. He wouldn’t change anything. The last four months had been amazing, and if he was honest with himself, they were the four months he’d been waiting for kind of all his life. They were the reason he’d transferred from Valdosta State to NYU in his senior year, the reason he’d traveled so far from home. He’d come to New York to fall in love, and he had.
Someone shoved past him, and with a start, Jimmy realized that the train had pulled into the station and the crowds were stepping on board. He stood up, adjusted his backpack again and stepped on too.
***
He was busy when Maura tapped him on the shoulder. Very busy. That was why he didn’t turn around. “Hey,” he said, focusing on the books he was shelving. “What’s up?”
“Wondering how you were doing,” she said. “You want to get some coffee?”
“Can’t.” He still didn’t turn around. “Library seems like a great work-study gig, right? Until it’s semester break, and all the professors want the new books up by-”
“He misses you.”
Jimmy stopped, exhaling, his hand still on the spine of Advances in Biochemistry. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“How long are you going to keep punishing him? He’s apologized a million times.”
“And that makes it okay?” He took another book off the cart but just held it, fingering the cover.
“It was one kiss. He was drunk. It didn’t mea-”
“Maura, I really don’t want to-”
“Oh, come off it!” Her voice was loud now, insistent, and Jimmy saw several people staring now when he turned around. She saw them too, and shifted into a harsh whisper. “Haven’t you ever made a mistake? He loves you.”
He was tired. More than anything else, he just felt tired. “I can’t do this,” he said, and he set down the book in his hand and walked away. Thankfully, she didn’t follow him.
He would have been mad at Adam for siccing Maura on him, but he knew it was probably her own idea. She was used to being the bossy big sister, so she thought she could be Jimmy’s too, even though Jimmy was actually a year older than she was. But she loved them both, and he knew that. He knew that Adam loved him too.
He’d said it first a month and a half ago, casually, while they were hanging out in Jimmy’s dorm room watching a movie. I love you, you know, he’d said, reaching over and stealing the last piece of pizza out of the box. Out of nowhere, and like he didn’t even particularly care whether Jimmy returned the sentiment. Jimmy froze, but Adam didn’t seem to notice. He just resettled into his spot on Jimmy’s lap, leaning back against his chest, taking a big bite of pizza as he returned his focus to the screen. Half an hour later, the movie was almost over and Jimmy’s arms were tight around his boyfriend and he closed his eyes as he said it back, leaning down an inch or two to eliminate the difference in their heights, whispering it into his hair. It was scary, but he did it. And Adam just petted his arm and said, Yeah, I know. And that was that.
They should probably have made love that night, now that he thought about it. Jimmy was in the men’s room now, and not because he was hiding from Maura. Just because he needed some quiet, and the stacks weren’t quite quiet enough. He locked himself in a stall and sat on the toilet and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes, thinking about it. That had probably been what Adam was expecting. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to. God, anyone who looked at Adam would want to. Certainly anybody who was alive, and gay. And Jimmy definitely was. He was clear about that by now. From the first time he’d kissed Adam, he knew. From before that, actually, but that first kiss had certainly shattered all doubt. Adam’s lips were strong and beautiful, not as soft as a girl’s, but better. His body was firm and substantial, lean but not skinny, and he felt really good in Jimmy’s arms, and he just kept wanting him closer. Closer. He made the most wonderful sounds when they kissed, and they always-
“Stop it.” He surprised himself with the sound, which was stupid. And he was talking to himself again, which was very bad. But he had to do something. He got up quickly and exited the stall, going straight to the sink and splashing cold water on his face. And then he lifted his eyes and stared at the mirror, watching the water drip down, breathing. It was an ordinary face, really. Pale skin, dark hair. Slightly too-big nose. Adam called it regal, called his features chiseled, but he was ridiculous. And damn it, Jimmy was thinking about Adam again.
Jimmy dried his face with a quick swipe of a paper towel and hurried back out to his cart, hoping a little single-minded focus on his work would help things. Maura was gone now, but there was a note in her place.
I’m sorry I meddled. I didn’t mean to upset you, honest. Can I make it up to you? Come by the house when you get off tonight and let me take you out for a drink. Adam will be at that New Year’s party at the LGBT union, so I’m guessing you won’t be, and we shouldn’t both be alone on New Year’s Eve, right?
Love ya,
M.
Jimmy felt a twinge of guilt as he folded the note and shoved it in his pocket. She was only trying to be nice, after all, and he’d been pretty rude to her. And actually, a drink with a friend sounded like a pretty good New Year’s plan. Better than takeout Chinese alone in the empty dorms, anyway. He pulled out his phone and sent her a quick text. I’ll be there at 9. Thanks. And sorry.
The phone buzzed almost immediately with her reply. Thanks accepted, sorry unnecessary. Looking forward to kicking your ass at Space Invaders. See you then.
It was the first thing all day that had made Jimmy smile.
By the way, I promise the story gets happier after that. Heh. :)
ETA: Story now available for purchase!