fic: closer to the edge; gen: sam, balthazar
closer to the edge
One-shot
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Gen: Sam, Balthazar, Dean, Castiel
Word count: 1,667
Rating: PG-14
Summary: Balthazar is Sam’s angel
Warnings: Plays with Supernatural canon, spoilers through season 5, not a happy ending
Prompt: Never
Author’s Notes:
- For my spn_25 table prompt 08: never
*****
“Hi.”
It’s windy and sure to rain soon and Sam is hurrying back to his dorm, or would be if some random stranger hadn’t just said hi to him. The man looks old, older than Dean that’s for sure. He has blonde hair and a really low neck line on his shirt. He has a blazer on over a t-shirt and it should look dumb, but it doesn’t. “Hi?” Sam offers back hesitantly.
The man offers his hand out to Sam and says, “I’m Balthazar.”
Sam frowns a little and shuffles some books around, proffering his own. “Sam.”
“Good! I have the right person,” Balthazar says with a grin. “I’m your angel, Sam. If you need anything, let me know.”
“O…” Balthazar disappears and Sam blinks. “…kay. Huh. That was weird.”
-0-
Sam doesn’t really think of the man--angel?--Balthazar after that. He’s busy with classes and papers and tests. Busy being normal. Normal people don’t need angels. Normal people probably don’t even believe in them. Sam believes, though, and sometimes at night he’ll throw in an extra prayer to Balthazar--he’s not even sure what for. One time he might have prayed for ice cream, because really, what do you say to someone who claims to be your angel?
So Sam prays for ice cream and world peace and Dean. And okay maybe he prayed for harsher punishment for parole violators. But that was only once. Twice. Okay, a few times, but it’s not like they don’t deserve it.
-0-
Jessica’s grave is cold and Sam fights the urge to lay down on top of it and try to warm it up with his body. He used to keep Jessica warm, she said he was her own personal heater. Now Sam’s not her anything and he aches all over.
A warm hand lands on his back. It’s not Dean, Sam’s positive about that. A glance shows him jeans and a t-shirt. Black blazer.
“Come here,” Balthazar says gently, tugging Sam up off of the ground.
Sam’s boneless as he melts into the hug. “Why?” Sam whispers.
Balthazar doesn’t answer. He holds Sam tightly and says, “I’m sorry.”
Sam’s sorry, too. He wonders if he’ll ever stop being sorry. Then he wonders if he’ll ever want to. Sam holds on to his angel and neither of them say anything about the tears that soak into Balthazar’s skin.
-0-
“So are you only going to show up when someone’s dead?”
Sam smells like smoke. It’s in his jacket, his pants, his hair. It’s in his skin.
Dean’s drinking himself into a coma somewhere and Sam’s drinking alone in the motel room. He’s not sure why they aren’t drinking together, but they never stood together on John Winchester at any other time, why should his death be any different.
Balthazar takes the bottle of Jack Daniels out of Sam’s hands. It’s still mostly full and Sam is still mostly sober. He pulls Sam into a hug and Sam wonders if all angels are this hands on.
He smells the same as last time--somewhere between Irish Spring and rain.
“Are you any one else’s angel?” Sam whispers.
“Just yours,” Balthazar answers.
“Does Dean have one?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
-0-
Sam makes it back to the motel room before he throws up. He locks the bathroom door behind him, ignores Dean, and just sinks down onto the tiled floor. Eventually he rinses out his mouth and waits until he hears Dean leave to get dinner.
Balthazar isn’t entirely unexpected, but Sam just murdered a girl. If anything, he thought that might be grounds for losing your angel. Instead Balthazar is sitting up on Sam’s bead, propped against the headboard.
“I broke a Commandment,” Sam says, standing at the edge of the bed.
Balthazar shrugs. “So have I.” He pulls Sam down onto the bed, maneuvering him until Sam’s head is in his lap. It’s kind of weird--okay, really weird--but Sam hasn’t had this since Jessica. He wants it, just for a little while.
“I broke a big one,” Sam tells him.
“They’re all big ones.” Warm hands card through his hair and Sam can almost forget about Madison.
“Why do you always come after?”
“How do you know I’m not there during?”
“Are you?” Sam asks.
“You’re still here, aren’t you?”
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.”
“I know,” Balthazar murmurs.
-0-
“You’re not staying,” Balthazar says in apology. He takes a seat at the small lawn table Sam’s seated at. He’s watching two dogs play in a large grassy field with nothing but wide open skies above him.
Sam tears his eyes away from the dogs. “I’m not?”
“Sorry,” his angel answers.
“I didn’t think I’d end up here,” Sam says.
“I know.”
“Will I be back?”
“Undoubtedly,” Balthazar answers.
“You weren’t there when I died.”
“I… I couldn’t be. I’m sorry.”
“Things are going to be different now, aren’t they? With Dean?” Sam asks, turning back to watch the dogs.
“Probably.”
Sam already knows there’s only one way he’ll get to go back. “Will you be there when he dies, too?”
There’s a long pause before Balthazar says, “Yes.”
“Are you sorry you got stuck with me?” Sam asks, only half-joking.
Balthazar reaches out and squeezes Sam’s hand, drawing his attention. “Never.”
-0-
Dean’s gone and Sam doesn’t think mess accurately describes his life. Ruby shows up the day after and Balthazar only seconds later. He takes one look at her and then she’s gone. There wasn’t any black smoke, she just ceased to exist.
“Sorry I’m late,” Balthazar says, stepping into Sam’s motel room. “How’re you doing, Sam?”
“I’m fine,” Sam answers. At this point, lying to an angel is the least of his sins.
“Right,” Balthazar says. “Well, let’s get you cleaned up and fed, okay? Then we can see about other things.”
Sam’s ushered into the shower and when he comes out there’s pizza and Gatorade waiting. Balthazar’s cleaned up the room and packed all of Dean’s stuff back into Dean’s duffel bag. The room seems really small with two beds now.
“I found you a job,” Balthazar says. “And an apartment.” He glances out the window towards the Impala. “I can probably find you another car, too.”
“What?” Sam asks. “No ice cream?”
“Finish your pizza first.”
-0-
Sam spends his days working at a library and his nights are spent calling in potential hunts to Bobby. Bobby doesn’t ask if he’s going to go back to hunting, they both know that Sam’s still too fatalistic for it. He’d make one mistake and that would be it.
Balthazar drops by more often then not. Sometimes he talks about his friend Castiel, sometimes he plays chess with Sam. Mostly he brings ice cream and gives Sam hugs.
Sam learns to cook and starts baking sugar-free cookies for the two older ladies who work at the library for him. He settles into a routine where he’s mostly dead. He wonders why he still has an angel, but Balthazar doesn’t show any signs of leaving him for good. Sam’s giving it some time. Everyone always leaves.
-0-
Dean comes back on a Thursday.
Sam’s in the middle of layering some noodles in his lasagna when the door rings. Balthazar’s suddenly there, blocking his path. He reaches out and says, “This is real.” Then he turns to the side and lets Sam answer the door.
Dean’s on the other side, looking a little bit wild and a lot broken. It’s probably good that Dean has his own angel--Sam’s too broken to fix himself, much less his brother.
-0-
Castiel starts hanging around with them, telling them to go places. He seems more like an angel than Balthazar does, but Sam’s not about to trade in his v-neck wearing angel for Dean’s trench coat wearing angel.
Sam quits his job and sells his car and they’re back on the road again.
He misses Balthazar’s sense of humor and the way he can’t stand anything Canadian--especially Canadian singers. But Dean’s back, so Sam’s life slowly starts putting itself back together.
-0-
Sam dies again but his heaven is different this time. Gone are the dogs and the green field, now there’s just darkness. He’s alone again, on a road going nowhere, so he starts walking.
“You aren’t supposed to be here,” Balthazar says with a frown.
Sam startles for a second but keeps walking because there’s nothing else to do. “Sorry?”
“It wasn’t your time, Sam,” he says seriously.
“My time was about two years ago,” Sam tells him. “This is borrowed.”
“It’s all borrowed,” Balthazar corrects. “But you really aren’t supposed to be here.”
“I kind of like it here.”
“Sam,” he says with some urgency. “Find Dean, okay?”
“Dean’s here?”
“Yes. Find him.”
-0-
The plan goes like this: Sam says yes to Lucifer, jumps into the cage, saves the world.
Dean and Castiel get drunk, but Sam’s never really enjoyed being drunk so he spends his last night on Earth sober. Balthazar shows up after Dean passes out and Castiel goes wherever he goes when he’s not with them.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says gravely.
“I know Dean has Cas,” Sam says. “But will you watch out for him, too?”
“Sam--”
Sam finally meets Balthazar’s eyes. “I’ve lost everything. I lost mom and dad. I lost Jess and Madison. I lost Dean. Somewhere I lost myself. I haven’t been happy, not for a long time. You know that. It was always going to end badly,” Sam says. “I might as well get some good out of it.”
“You haven’t lost Dean.”
“Maybe I never had him.”
Balthazar pulls him into a hug, tighter than the one Sam received when Jess died. This one’s for him, not for someone else’s death. Sam can’t breathe, but it’s okay, because soon he won’t need to, but he might need to remember this.
“I’ll watch out for Dean,” Balthazar whispers.
“Will you forget me?”
“Never,” the angel swears.
“Try to anyway.”
-End-