Fic: The Gravity of Tempered Grace; John/Cam
The Gravity of Tempered Grace
A Helping Hand fic
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG1 or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.
Fandom: SGA/SG1
Pairing: John Sheppard/Cameron Mitchell
Word count: 3,511
Rating: PG-13
Summary: And in a burst of light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars, you felt the gravity of tempered grace, falling into empty space, with no one there to catch you in their arms. Cam decides he’s done being alone and he wants to be done being alone with John.
Warnings: Mild language, brief mentions of Common Ground
Prompt: John/Cam H/C, on Atlantis, with Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney; happy ending
Beta: ninja007
Author’s Notes:
- For smlg29 . Thank you so much for your generous donation to support Australia. You’re awesome!
- Okay so you said you wanted it on Atlantis, I know it starts off on Earth, but I promise it gets to Atlantis, hope that’s okay.
- Title comes from Iridescent by Linkin Park
- Thank you to elfycat , ameshinju , somehowunbroken , and ninja007 for giving this a read-through.
*****
Cam had known John Sheppard for about twelve years, on and off. He’d crossed paths with John at various postings, spent a few weeks at OTS with him, and once they both entered the Stargate program, it was hard not to run into each other.
It had started when the Atlantis expedition had been recalled to Earth, when the Ancients had returned to their City. John and Cam were of similar age and liked similar things, so it really wasn’t that much of a stretch to invite John over a few times to watch a game and have a beer. He even broke out the barbeque more than once.
But the John he’d seen then had had a sadness that hadn’t been with him previously. His shoulders had been a little more hunched, his smiles a little more tight, and if John had been quiet before, he had become silence embodied in a man.
It happened one night, about a week before John would fight his way back to Atlantis. They’d both had a few beers too many and when Cam turned his head, John had looked a mixture of sadness and the most beautiful thing Cam had ever seen.
It had been so easy to lean over and kiss John Sheppard. It had been easy because John hadn’t stopped him, hadn’t said a word as Cam led them back to his bedroom.
Kissing John hadn’t been something that Cam had planned on doing, or even thought about planning on doing, because he had been pretty sure he was straight. Except straight men didn’t do what he and John had done that night. He wasn’t sure if John was straight or not, they never got around to talking about it. The morning after had been stiff and awkward and the one tiny real smile that Cam had seen on John’s face the previous night was nowhere to be found then.
John had gathered his clothes and stammered out a mix between apology, gratitude, and embarrassment before high-tailing out of there, taking what was left of the best night of Cam’s life with him.
Shortly after that, Cam had gone off-world and he’d come back to an angry General Landry and no John.
Nothing was the same after that. At 38 Cam had a mid-life crisis that involved getting drunk, trying to sleep with another guy, and failing. His body didn’t want another man, or woman, it wanted John Sheppard. And that’s when Cam figured he was royally fucked, because there was long distance and then there was different galaxies.
*****
John sighed as he scrolled through his e-mail. Now that they had regular check-ins with Earth, half of his orders came through e-mail and were thusly mixed in with all the e-mails for the City. And while Rodney had given John the twelve second run down on how to separate e-mail, he hadn’t really been listening because Sarah Johnson had been sitting nearby looking gorgeous in a low-cut off-duty shirt.
Rodney had snapped his fingers and asked if John got it and John had nodded before realizing that he had absolutely no idea what Rodney was talking about.
John considered himself a pretty smart dude, he had degrees from Caltech and Stanford to back up that hypothesis, but for some reason he just could not figure out the stupid mailing program that the scientists used.
He checked off e-mails as he went, deleting or saving them to their appropriate folders. He froze, as he had every time before, when he saw Cameron Mitchell’s name in the sender column. John was instantly happy, confused, and torn.
Cam had e-mailed him several times, and while John read them all, he never responded. Words had never been his strong suit and he wasn’t sure what to say anyway.
He’d had a one-night stand with Cam. And while John wished he could blame it on the beer, he’d known exactly what he’d been doing when he let Cam take him that night. John hadn’t been with a guy since high school, hadn’t even thought of a guy since high school, and suddenly he was in Cam Mitchell’s bed. It had been his first real time with a guy. John had exchanged blow jobs a few times when he’d been younger, but that’s about it. Then he’d been busy with college and OTS and loved women enough to stick to them exclusively.
But now Cam was e-mailing him. They were long, meandering e-mails that talked about everything from the weather (on Earth and off-world) to the Chargers game to the new color of Jell-o in the commissary. What they didn’t talk about was why Cam was e-mailing him, what had happened that night, and if Cam felt as torn about it as John did.
Contrary to popular belief, well, mainly Rodney’s belief, John was not shacking up with every available hot body. He hadn’t been with anyone since before Antarctica, and honestly was glad he’d been drunk when he slept with Cam, otherwise he’s sure he would have somehow embarrassed himself. His sex moves were rusty at best.
Part of John wanted to write back to Cam, but he wasn’t in any kind of place to be having a relationship with him. The IOA were watching his every move, and even though Carter was here now, John still had a lot more on his plate that usual, because Carter was still catching up on the day to day ins and outs of Atlantis.
Something inside of him ached, though, and John never tried hard enough to forget that night. He remembered how gentle Cam had been, how he’d cradled John’s body to his, held him tight and kissed him all over. He remembered every whispered babe and darlin’ and John. While he’d never been one for pet names, John suddenly wanted nothing more than to have Cam wrap his arms around him again and whisper darlin’ in that husky southern drawl of his.
So he opened Cam’s latest e-mail, and there were the normal rambling bits at the top--what Chinese food Cam had had for dinner the night before, and how maybe he shouldn’t have had the Mu Shu. Then at the bottom was something different, something more personal.
John, I promised myself I wouldn’t bring it up, but I’m kind of drunk right now and thanking God for auto-correct or else every other word would be spelled however the whiskey decides it should be spelled.
I miss you, John. I know we were hardly friends, and only had one night together, but I miss you. I miss everything about you. From the way you smelled, to the way you said my name, to the way you felt underneath me. I’m not gay, John, but lately all I want is you. Your body, your smile, your touch, your laugh. Not that you really laughed while you were here, and why was that? Why are you so sad, John?
I want to put in a transfer request to Atlantis. I want to see what this thing is between us, and if you feel it or not. Because I’m tired of being alone at night, John. I’m tired of saving the world and then coming home to an empty apartment.
I think we could be great together. Although, I’m also pretty drunk, so I also think things like I wonder how hot the stove really is and why there are no more unicorns.
And since I’m drunk, I have many, many excuses for sending this. So I’m going to. Send this, that is. Because these are all the things I can’t say while I’m sober, but they’re all the things I think about every day.
Yours,
Cam
John rubbed his chest as he read Cam’s words. He wasn’t any type of good for Cameron Mitchell. Cam was a goddamned war hero, decorated beyond imagination. He was on the fast track to General, and getting involved with someone like John could only be all kinds of bad for him.
He hit the next button on his e-mail and wasn’t all that surprised to see another e-mail from Cam, dated the morning after the last one.
John, I’m really hoping that last e-mail didn’t make it to you, but if I had that kind of luck… well, I wouldn’t have my own bed in the infirmary.
Here’s the thing, though, I was super drunk, but I meant everything I said. I want you, John. Give me a chance, please? I don’t want to request a transfer without your approval. I know it would create the problem of too many Colonels in one place, but I’m only there for you. I don’t want any part of command over Atlantis, I’ll leave that to you and Carter--I’m more a hands on kind of guy.
Consider it, John? Please? I know you hardly know me, but you’re all I think about. I’m only asking for one chance, just one. I promise not to blow it. (No pun intended.)
- Cam
Before John could stop himself he clicked Reply and typed three words, sending it before he ran out of courage.
*****
Once, before everything happened with John, Cam had said something off-hand about how slowly time seemed to move when you wanted it to go quickly. John had laughed and replied that time was relative and different for everyone, and if Cam really wanted time to move faster, he should just always be in the sky because time moved faster the higher up you went.
That’s when Cam had figured out that John was a closet geek. In hindsight that might have been when Cam started falling for him. Cam’s past two girlfriends had been dumber than doorknobs and he wasn’t sure what he’d seen in them, other than large breasts and short skirts.
Three weeks on the Daedalus had never seemed longer, and all that time meant Cam had hours to work out what he was going to say to John. He had hours to agonize over the fact that he left his position at the SGC, his family, and his car on Earth because John had sent a three word e-mail saying transfer request approved.
Cam had never been so spontaneous. He was getting old, though, and he was tired of going to bed alone, tired of waking up alone, and tired of feeling so goddamned sad all the time while having to seem happy.
Cam had used the first week on the Daedalus to read up on the past Atlantis missions. Half the time he had to stop in the middle and convince himself that John was fine, he was alive, all of this stuff was in the past. When Cam made it to the mission report of John’s kidnapping by the Genii and his subsequent feeding, he’d barely made it into the head before throwing up.
He’d finished reading through those days ago, and now all he had was time to berate himself because one night shouldn’t determine the rest of your life, should it?
Cam had no idea, and he was equal parts excited and terrified to find out.
*****
“Team night tonight?” Ronon asked.
John liked team nights. In the beginning he hadn’t wanted to spend more time with people he spent copious amounts of time with already, but slowly and surely Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon had become closer to John than anyone else ever had.
He loved when the four of them settled in to watch a movie. He loved explaining Earth things to Teyla and Ronon, he loved fighting with Rodney over the plausibility of movies.
Lately though, nothing felt the same and John just couldn’t get out of the funk he’d settled into. His team had noticed, he was sure, if the way Rodney talked more to fill his silences, or the way Teyla invited him to spar more, or the way Ronon seemed to hover about were any indication.
“Team night?” Ronon asked again, as John jogged next to him.
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” John panted. “Why can’t you ask me questions when we’re not doing the running of the bulls?”
Even though Ronon likely had no idea what John was talking about, he shot him a toothy grin. “More fun this way.”
“You have a terrible idea of fun,” John said.
“Yeah.”
They ran in silence for a mile or so before John felt Ronon’s shoulder nudge his. “What?”
“Teyla said that some new guy was coming,” Ronon said.
“We have eighteen new people coming,” John told him. “Sixteen of them are men.”
“A Colonel,” Ronon specified. “That you know.”
“Are you guys gossiping about me?”
“McKay said--”
“McKay, too?” John groaned.
They reached the end of their run and slowly started stretching. When John looked up, Ronon met his eyes. “We know something’s wrong, John,” Ronon said roughly. “Since you came back from Earth. Since before, maybe, with Kolya.”
“There’s nothing…” John sighed. “I’ll be fine.”
“Teyla’s worried.”
From where John stood, Ronon seemed pretty worried, too. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
“McKay said this galaxy broke you.”
“Rodney has no idea what he’s talking about.”
“I think you’ve been broken for a long time,” Ronon said.
“What are we--chicks? Talking about our feelings now?” John asked. “I’m not broken. And even if I was, some guy isn’t going to just put me back together.” He eyed the door and how Ronon stood between him and it, then sighed. He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not going to fall apart, Ronon.”
“You’re not happy.”
“I don’t see you being Mr. Sunshine.”
“Sheppard.”
“Ronon.”
“John.”
John felt that ache in his chest again. “Do we really have to do this?”
Ronon hesitated. “Teyla said to try and talk to you.”
John groaned. “Great. Does that mean she’s going to come and talk to me at some point?”
“Probably,” Ronon admitted.
“Ronon--” is all he got out before the Satedan swept him into a tight hug.
“Let us help,” Ronon said into John’s ear. Ronon held on for a few more seconds before letting him go.
John looked at the wall behind Ronon’s head. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Tell us about him--your warrior,” Ronon said. “At team night.”
“He’s not my--” John cut himself off. “I’m sure no one wants to hear about my girly crush.”
Ronon shrugged. “I’ll bring popcorn.”
*****
Ronon brought popcorn and Teyla brought pizza and Rodney brought booze. A lot of booze. John was drunk after about an hour and a half and Rodney was close behind. Ronon was tipsy and even Teyla had a bit of a sway to her.
“So tell us, John,” Teyla said warmly. “Of your warrior.”
“Will you stop calling him that?” John asked. “He’s not my… anything.” John leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. “He’s nice… funny… polite. He’s a really good guy. Dunno what he wants with me.’
“A fellow warrior to share battle stories with,” Ronon said.
“He sees what we all see in you, John,” Teyla said. “A wonderful person, one who would do anything for others.”
“Nah,” John said with a shake of his head. “I’m just… No one‘s ever wanted me.”
“I’m sure that is not true,” Teyla frowned.
“Cam,” John sighed. “He won’t want me either, when he finds out who I really am.” There was a sharp pain in his arm. “Ow,” John said, rubbing his bicep. He looked over at Ronon, whose hand was still poised from punching him. “Why did you do that?”
“You were being dumb,” Ronon stated.
“I’m drunk, I’m allowed to be dumb,” John argued.
“What’s your excuse the other ninety-five percent of the time?” Rodney asked.
“I’m a guy,” John answered.
“So’m I,” Rodney said.
John slid his eyes over to look at him. “Yup.”
Rodney flicked popcorn at him and John laughed and tried not to think about Cameron Mitchell.
*****
Cam’s arrival went differently than he had thought it would. For one, John was off-world on some rescue mission. Secondly, from the minute he touched down, Cam had been ushered all over the City, leaving him no time to even realize that he was finally on Atlantis, with John.
He’d been given the First Day Tour, which apparently had been nicknamed the Brain Dead Tour because they covered things that even brain dead people would know. Don’t touch things that say don’t touch. Don’t enter a room that says don’t enter. No matter how tempting it is, don’t eat the pink flowers on random planets. Cam really wondered about that last one.
Cam ditched the tour when the Lieutenant leading it started talking about culture sensitivity. Cam had been there, blown that first encounter.
He started wandering around Atlantis and didn’t realize how late it had gotten until he ran smack-dab into John, who was apparently back from his mission. John reached out to steady him and the heat from his hands seeped through Cam’s clothes in an instant. And while he’d never admit to being worried that he’d see John and suddenly revert back to his previous amount of heterosexuality, he was relieved that his dick had definitely taken notice of John.
“I’ll have to talk to Lt. Jacobs about losing you,” John said with a hint of a smile.
“I figured I could talk you into a private tour later.”
John raised an eyebrow and lowered his hands. “You did, huh?”
Cam just grinned and nodded as he took in John’s face, his body, his goddamned hair. “I missed you.”
John looked away from him then turned and started walking the way he had come. After a few steps he turned back to Cam, “Coming, Mitchell?”
Cam stopped staring and followed after him. They ended up in a hallway full of matching doors and Cam wondered how you could tell them apart.
John stopped outside of one and ran his hand over a sensor by the door. He stepped to the side and gestured Cam in. “There are numbers on the bottom,” John said, stepping in behind him, letting the door close.
“Numbers?”
“So you can tell the doors apart,” John expounded. “We went through and added them our first month here. I’m not sure how the Ancients could tell them apart.” He shrugged. “Maybe they didn’t care.”
Cam could ponder that or he could--
He grabbed John by the shoulders and pushed him up against the door crushing their mouths together. John seemed surprised for a moment before he melted into the kiss. Cam felt his arms settle on his back as he tucked one hand behind John’s neck holding him in place.
He finally pulled back for air. “I’ve wanted to do that for weeks.”
John’s eyes were haunted and sad when he looked at Cam. “Cameron, I’m… I’m no good for you.”
“Do you want this, John?” Cam asked desperately. “Are you willing to give us a chance?”
“I shouldn’t--”
“I didn’t ask you what you shouldn’t do,” Cam interrupted. “I asked you what you want. Do you want this? Want me? Want there to be an us?”
John licked his lips and Cam wondered if he could still taste him the way he was still tasting John. “I’ll ruin you.”
“Then ruin me,” Cam stated firmly. “I’m already gone on you, John. Hell, I followed you to another galaxy, that alone should tell you I’m serious about this.”
“Ronon thinks I’m broken,” John said, looking away.
“I have superglue.”
“I work more hours than I sleep.”
“I’m awesome at paperwork; I can help lighten your load.”
“I feel lost sometimes,” John whispered. “I try to keep hoping that things will get better but my failures are everywhere.”
“Then I’ll be everywhere, too, so you can see me instead,” Cam promised. “I’ll catch you, John. I’ll point you in the right direction when you’re lost.”
“I’ll just bring you down with me.”
“My flying days are over anyway,” Cam dismissed. “And time moves slower closer to the ground, and now that I have you with me, I want every moment to last as long as possible.”
John let out a soft laugh. “You’re impossible.”
“And you’re perfect.”
John’s eyes flickered back to Cam’s face. “We have puddle jumpers.”
“The spaceships,” Cam acknowledged. “I read about them.”
“Your flying days don’t have to be over.”
“It was a metaphor.”
“I’m tired of being alone.”
“Me, too,” Cam whispered. “And I want to be not-alone with you.”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes,” John repeated. “I want this. I want you. I want us.”
Cam couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face and he wouldn’t even if he could. He pulled John into a tight hug against him. “This is the beginning of our happy ever after, John. I can feel it.”
“Me, too.“ It was said so faintly that Cam’s not at all sure he didn’t imagine it. He hugged John even tighter and knew he was never letting go.
*****