Castles of Sand: Part Three
Title: Castles of Sand
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Friendship!Hoon/Soohyun
Rating: PG
Warning: Eating disorder
Summary: Soohyun wants to be the perfect leader.
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Soohyun’s been running for an hour now. He watched the little timer on the treadmill count the seconds and minutes until he finally made it to sixty, but he’s pushing himself further. It was midnight, when the other members were asleep. The house was dark except for one small candle flame, flickering in the soft wind from the fan that was angled towards Soohyun. The setting was on low, as Soohyun was trying not to wake his members with the nose, but it didn’t make much of a difference. His shirt was soaked with sweat, and it didn’t help that he refused to take his baggy sweatshirt off. The thought of revealing himself, his hideous body was just too much. Soohyun paused every now and then to take a drink of cold water, but for every minute he rested, he made sure to run an extra five.
Being leader was too much pressure.
He had to be perfect for the other six, for their company, for their fans. The image he was told to create for himself was exactly that, and Soohyun would settle for no less. His weight was a hard thing to control, as much as he hated to admit. But he was trying, and soon it would all pay off.
He’s already lost so much getting to where he was now. Losing a little weight shouldn’t hurt.
After all, the rest of them were perfect. AJ had muscles, Eli had muscles, Hoon had muscles, Kiseop had muscles. Soohyun did too, but they were covered with the layer of fat he was working to get rid of. Dongho would always be a kid in his eyes, and whether or not he had muscles wasn’t going to matter to Soohyun until it mattered to the company. Dongho was thin, though, just like Kevin and Soohyun envied that. He envied all of them for being so perfect without even trying.
He remembered something he read on the website that promoted weight loss the easy way. “Those who are born skinny are lucky, but those who work to be skinny are strong.”
Soohyun wanted to be strong. He had to be. It was what made him keep running. It was what made him lie to everyone each day that yes, he’s eaten. No, he wasn’t hungry yet. It was what made him drink glass after glass of water to fill the stomach he’s refused to fill with food.
The only time he didn’t feel strong was when the dizzy spells hit. They usually came after he exercised, but because he’s been at it for so long, they were coming more often and they lasted longer. He remembered the one time it was so bad that he’s actually passed out, luckily there was no one else in the dorm but him. Soohyun couldn’t decide if it was hard or easy to keep going. It was hard to suffer alone, to know that the other six were able to have the time of their lives while he set his alarm each night, choosing to make his dream of perfection into a reality over dreaming itself. It was hard to resist the food that his members made for him. They tried hard to please him and it left a crack in his heart each time he refused, but there was no way he would let a plate of rice cakes or a bowl of ramen get in the way.
It was easy to lie. Dongho was gullible, as was Kevin. When he tells them all he’s not hungry, they smile and nod. Soohyun always feels guilty about it, as if he’s taking advantage of the two that will believe anything he says. AJ and Eli are a bit harder to convince, but he makes sure they understand that he doesn’t want to eat. Kiseop and Hoon, his new workout partners, they don’t question the leader. They obviously notice the lack of food on his place but don’t ask, don’t pry. Soohyun appreciated them not asking. They did ask once but the leader had made it clear to them that he’d rather not speak about it. The manager wasn’t even around enough to notice.
That was how he was pulled down, sinking further and further into the bottomless pit of quicksand until it had swallowed him whole. It formed a sort of castle around him, one with barbed wire gates. Gates that wouldn’t open without the help of someone else, and Soohyun wasn’t planning on getting help anytime soon.
He stumbled on the treadmill and the loud, heavy footfalls echoed through the quiet dorm. Soohyun immediately paused the timer and the machine stopped running. He waited, listening to see if anyone had heard, while at the same time he counted the minutes of rest he was taking. His body wanted to stop, but his mind and heart didn’t. One would think he was punishing himself for taking breaks while exercising, but in Soohyun’s eyes he was doing himself a favor.
Soohyun’s finger hovered over the start button. He was about to press it, thinking he was safe, when Hoon appeared in the doorway.
“H...hyung?” the bunny mumbled into the dimly lit room. “What are you doing...”
Soohyun stayed quiet but took the small step off the treadmill before collapsing on the ground. Hoon immediately stumbled towards him - still half asleep, but panic was rising within him and he was soon wide awake. Hoon dropped to his knees next to the leader.
“Hyung, are you okay?” a frightened Hoon asked, pulling off Soohyun’s sweatshirt. Soohyun would have protested against him doing so but he was tired and the fatigue of the night’s run was getting to him. He usually managed to hop off the treadmill and jump into bed before the exhaustion hit, but this night was different from the others.
“Why are you exercising so late at night? Can you not wait for me and Kiseop to wake up? Are you doing this every night?” Hoon continued asking, tearing Soohyun’s sweat-soaked shirt off. Hoon could feel the heat rising off the older one’s skin. Soohyun was caught. He was being pulled closer to Hoon, Hoon holding him as if he might break.
“Hyung...have you eaten?”
“Yes,” came the usual reply. By now it was reflex to say so. But Soohyun’s stomach’s wonderful timing kicked in, emitting a low rumble. It was followed by a pang of hunger before fading into an empty ache.
“Hyung.” Hoon knew. He probably didn’t know everything but he knew why Soohyun pushes his food away all the time and why his hyung was exercising at midnight, when no one could tell him to take a break. He knew why Soohyun insisted on wearing baggier clothes, not to hide a body losing weight but to hide a body that had too much. Hoon knew. Soohyun knew he knew, and was breaking down into tears because of it.
“Help me,” Soohyun whispered, clutching Hoon’s shirt. Hoon had him cradled in his arms.
“I’ll help you, okay? It’s okay, you’ll be okay,” Hoon promised.
“I’m not okay,” Soohyun said, the realization hitting him as he said it. He’d been refusing to believe he had a problem - when you’re on the road to perfection, who could call it a problem? But now he understood why getting this idea of skinny being perfect into his head was a bad idea. Here in his castle of quicksand, he’s been sinking further and further down. Help seemed impossible to get. Getting help meant eating. Eating meant getting fat.
Soohyun sighed, his breath hitching as he let it out. Hoon instinctively held him closer. He needed help, and he needed it now.