Seven Stages of Grief: Stage Three
3. Anger and Bargaining
"Kiseop, calm down," Hoon pleaded, trying his best to console the dancer. It was hard, because Kiseop would shove at Hoon whenever he tried to touch him.
"No! I hate you!" Kiseop screamed.
"Why?"
"Because you killed him!"
Hoon paused inhis efforts to sit Kiseop down in a chair, earnig him a slap on the cheek. He could only stare in astonishment as Kiseop scrambled away from Hoon, backing up aganist the wall. Hoon was so confused. Kiseop had been just fine - well, as okay as he'd ever been since Soohyun died. Then, when the members left to go buy dinner, he'd become like this. Hoon almost regretting volunteering to stay home with Kiseop, but he'd made a vow that he wouldn't give up on him. He promised it to himself.
"How did I kill him?" Hoon asked, struggling to stay calm.
"You promised he'd be okay!"
"Kiseop, I-"
"You promised, Hoon! You promised! Promises aren't meant to be broken! You're a liar! There's a reason for promises, you know!" Kiseop yelled, picking up a small vase of flowers and flinging them at Hoon's head. Hoon dodged them easily, the vase crashing against the wall and falling to the floor in pieces while Kiseop thrashed around the room looking for more things to throw.
"Don't hurt yourself," Hoon winced as Kisep caught his toe on the edge of the coffee table.
"It's too late to say something like that," Kisepo hissedd. "All the pain in the world couldn't add up to even half of what I feel right now!"
"Kiseop I know, but death isn't something I can control-"
"Which is why you shouldn't have promised me that he'd be okay!" Kiseop screamed, and Hoon's patience broke.
"Really? Tehn what should I have said? Should I have told you that he'd be dead in an hour? That he'd be gone? That you'd never see him again, never hear his voice again?" Hoon yelled back.
Kiseop was silent for a moment, then yelled, "Wouldn't that be a away to stomp out my hope?"
"Exactly! Which is why I told you he'd live!"
"You still weren't supposed to tel lme he was going to live! I didn't even ask if he was going ot live or not! I was wondering what I'd do if he didn't!"
"How could you remember that?"
"I remember ever second of that day, Hoon, and I remember exactly how you lied to me! You told mehe'd be okay, you promised!"
"So that automatically means I killed him? Just because I didn't want you to cry or be depressed when you saw him, lying in that hospital bed?"
"It's better to cry than be lied to!"
"Well, excuse mefor trying to protect my friend!"
"I'd rather have heard it from you than have the realization hit me in the face!"
"You're not making any sense, Kiseop! How could it be my fault that he's dead? It's not as if I jinxed it or something, how could i? He was lucky to have lived as long as he did, and you know that! You were just lying to yourself, lying that he'd be okay when you knew deep down inside that he wasn't! And now you're trying to pin his death on me just because I confirmed what you had been thinking all along, aren't you?" Hoon shouted. "I spent the past few months trying to watch over you and this is how you thank me? By-"
Hoon stopped at the soud of the front door swinging open. Kiseop heard it too, and dashed up the stairs into his room before Hoon could stop him. Dongho waltzed into the living room, letting the other three boys take care of the groceries.
"Where's Kiseop?" Dongho asked, noticing the dancer's absence.
Hoon shrugged. "He went into his room."
Kevin walked in the, and saw his flowers laying in a pathetic heap on the floor. "My flowers!" Kevin howled, rushing to them. "Hoon, what did you do?" he turned to glare at his friend.
"I'm sorry, Kevin, I'll buy you more flowers," Hoon said, trying to sound apologetic even though Kevin's flowers weren't the worst of his worries at the moment. Kevin muttered a few words under his breath and picked up the remains of his flowers. "What happened to the...Hoon! You broke the vase, too?" Kevin screamed. "Oh my god,there's glass all over the floor, you are so picking this up." Hoon resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"Hoon, why did you do that?" AJ asked, walking in.
Hoon looked at him andwhispered, "I didn't do it."
"You didn't?"
"Kiseop."
"Are you seriously blaming it on him? C'mon, Hoon, he's been down ever since...you know. And you said he was up in his room.
"He is, because he went up there as soon as you guys came in."
"And why would he do that? He was fine when we left," AJ said.
"That's exactly it!"
"What did you do to him, Hoon?" AJ asked, eyeing hoon. "You didn't hurt him or anything, did you? You didn't throw the vase at him, did you?"
"Oh, my god, no. I'd never do that, AJ. You know that."
"Then what happened?"
"As soon as you guys left, he went crazy and started blaming me for Soohyun's death. He threw the vase at me and was screaming about how much he hated me, how it was my fault. The things he was saying to me, they barely made sense," Hoon said.
"Why did he blame you?"
"Because before we went to see Soohyun at the hospital...I told him...well, I promised him that Soohyun would be okay, because he looked at me right then and Aj, he looked so fucking broken I didn't know what else to say."
"He's in his room, right?"
"Yeah, he went up there as soon as you guys came in."
"Oh, alright. I'll be right back then." AJ took off towards the stairs, taking them two at a time before going to Kiseop's room.
Kiseop was crying as soon as he shut the door. Hot tears welled and spilled over onto his cheeks as he threw himself onto the bed, curling up in a ball.
"I'm sorry Hoon," he whispered when he heard Kevin screaming at Hoon from downstairs. Kiseop felt like the lowest person in the world. He kept blaming things on Hoon. Even something small like breaking a vase, he let Hoon take the blame for that too. Hoon probably hated him now. Kiseop hated himself for being such a terrible person to this friend, but he couldn't help it. There was so much pent up emotion inside, and once he had someone to blame, he went after them.
Kiseop glanced sideways at the small nightstand that sat right next to his bed. RIght inside the drawer was the small silver razor that Kiseop had been using for the past few months. He looked up at the ceiling. If god existed, he'd help him, right? Kiseop squeezed his eyes shut. He'd do anyting to turn back time. He wished he and Soohyun had never gone to that movie, wished they could've just stayed home and played checkers or something. He'd give up anything to have Soohyun back, anything. He'd give up his voice if he could just hear Soohyun's again. He'd give away every single one of his possessions as long as he could keep Soohyun. He'd tear his heart out himself just to have Soohyun's beat.
But he knew that the world didn't work that way. Soohyun wouldn't come back, no matter what Kiseop gave up. Soohyun was gone forever.
Beads of crimson were swelling on his arm when there was a knock on the door. Kiseop instinctively yanked his sleeve down, staining the light blue fabric a deep red.
"Who is it?" Kiseop called, wincing at the sound of his weak voice.
"AJ," he heard from theother side of the door.
"What...do you want?" Kisep asked, trying not to sound rude to his friend.
"Hoon said you and him fought. Is that true?" AJ asked, and Kiseop could feel the tears threatening to fall again. He didn't answer AJ, just sat at the ddge of the bed immersed in his thoughts. It felt like hours later when AJ repeated his quesiton, and Kiseop jumped because he thought AJ had left.
"I guess..." Kiseop whispered.
AJ didn't hear him. "Kiseop? Are you alright in there? Can I come in?" The doorknob began to turn and Kiseop jerked out of his thoughts and flew off the bed.
"No! no, AJ, don't come in, please." Kiseop was braced against the door, hands flat against the wood, ready to prevent AJ from coming inside.
"What? Why not? Kiseop, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, AJ, just...leave me alone, please," Kiseop said.
"AJ is something wrong?" Kiseop heard Kevin ask.
"No, Kevin, everything's fine," AJ replied.
"Is Kiseop okay?" Kevin asked.
AJ was hesitating. He didn't even know the answer himself. "Don't worry about it, Kevin," AJ told the singer.
"Well, alright," Kevin said. Kiseo heard faint footsteps grow quieter as Kevin left, leaving Kiseop alone with AJ.
"Kiseop, if there's something going on between you and Hoon you shoudl talk it out instead of fighting with him and throwing things.
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"Kiseop, you don't have to be sorry-"
"Just leave me alone."
A/N : This chapter was hard to write. I almost made a huge mistake... It was where AJ and Hoon were talking. At first I wrote that Soohyun and Hoon were talking, and that wouldn't have made sense xD