fanfic50: Sympathy.
Mid 1980s.
Remus had struggled with himself for days over his decision. One minute he would convince himself it was something he needed to do despite how he felt about it, but the next he would somehow manage to get into his head that he didn't need anything. He didn't need anyone. He could survive very well on his own.
Except, he couldn't. Not exactly, at least.
He had lost count just how long he had been traveling for, moving from one spot to another each time he wouldn't be employed any longer by the residents of whatever town he would stay in. Then again, who could really hire someone who wasn't reliable because they were ill half of the month? Look how peaky you look, some would say, scowling the second he would show up for work. Do you know how bad it is for business? And then the actual transformations would occur, and who could really keep someone employed who would look even worse after a full moon? Especially someone who would sometimes be even injured due to scratches and bites that the werewolf would inflict on his own body and would need time off to recuperate from?
It was hunger and necessity that had really broken him down in the end. Because, as easy as it would be to simply fade away to nothing, he just couldn't. He had no idea why he couldn't, when he really had nothing to live for, but perhaps he was simply not brave enough to follow through.
One knock at the Burrow and Molly Weasley was at the doorstep in an instant, ushering him in once she got over the initial shock of seeing him again. He didn't even get a chance to say anything before Molly started talking rapidly as Mother Mode seemed to kick in. 'I'm sorry for intruding,' Remus wanted to say. 'I shouldn't be here, but...'
In a blur everything seemed to happen. Molly looked for some of Arthur's clothes he could borrow despite him insisting that it wasn't necessary, and Remus quietly went to the bathroom so he could shower, shave and change while Molly prepared something to eat for him. He felt guilty for imposing like this and showing up out of nowhere, but that guilt died down a little when he caught whiff of the food she was making. It almost disappeared completely once he sat down to eat.
"We've been really worried about you," Molly finally said to break the silence as Remus continued eating as normally as he could, despite how much he wanted to simply devour everything on his plate from how hungry he was. "Where have you been all this time?"
Silence was Remus' answer at first. Partly because it felt like he couldn't get enough food into his mouth to stop feeling like he did, but mainly because he really didn't want to talk about what he was living through. Least of all to Molly, who was being so kind to him. "Traveling," Remus finally said, his voice sounding a bit hoarse from disuse. "Just...traveling."
She nodded, her eyes fixed on him for a moment while Remus did his best to keep his eyes on the plate. After a beat, "It's not good for you to keep yourself away."
"Molly--"
"No, no, please listen. After the funerals you just disappeared, and we have all been very concerned about you."
The only sound heard in the kitchen was the sound of Remus' fork as it touched the plate whenever he would scoop up some more food.
"...Remus," she added quietly, "they were your friends."
Silence. Absolute silence.
"They wouldn't want you--"
The fork dropped from his hand and, even if he continued to stare down at the plate, Molly could already notice just how his features seemed to harden.
"Stop it." His voice was barely above a whisper, but it didn't take away from the edge it carried. "Please, just stop it. I don't... I didn't come here so we could talk about... About them."
Even that word hurt. Them. Even if years had passed since James', Lily's and Peter's deaths, and since Sirius got taken to Azkaban, the wound felt so raw still that he had to force himself to stay seated and not just bolt towards the door again so she wouldn't see how vulnerable he felt.
But she didn't back down. If anything, she quietly set silencing charms around the kitchen in case Remus were to finally let go; she didn't want one of the children to come downstairs and cause him to shut himself away again. "Ignoring the pain won't make it go away."
"I know that."
"Do you? Because that is exactly what you are doing." A beat. "They are still gone, Remus--"
"Thank you, Molly, I am quite aware of that fact." Even if he didn't raise his voice, the bitterness was still there. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, he raked his fingers through his hair as he bowed his head a little. He shouldn't have come here. It had been a mistake. Being around others that knew him, and that knew what he had lived through and had lost, was dangerous. That had been the reason why he had started traveling, hadn't it? He didn't want to see the pity in their eyes whenever they would see him. Him, the one that had somehow been left behind. The one that had to deal with the death of three of his best friends, and with the fact that Sirius, of all people, had been the cause.
In so many ways, he suddenly realized, he had already faded away to nothing. What was left behind was only a shell of what he had once been. A shadow that moved from one spot to another; a shadow that should have disappeared a long time ago.
"I shouldn't be here," he suddenly mumbled as he passed a hand wearily over his face. "I really, really shouldn't be here."
"Nonsense," said Molly as she walked over to him and gave his shoulder a small squeeze. "You should have come to see us a long time ago."
Remus looked up at Molly then and braved a small smile that barely tugged at the corners of his lips. If she understood what he had meant with his statement, she didn't say it. She just gave him a small smile of her own; one so warm and welcoming that it made Remus' heart ache. Clearing his throat a little after a moment, he gave a small nod. "Thank you."
"You're very welcome. Now, let me refill that plate of yours; you look too thin. Look at those clothes, they are far too loose on you!"
Before he could protest Molly had already taken away his plate to serve him seconds. And then thirds. And just so she wouldn't keep asking him about himself, Remus asked about the children, who were all 'growing up so fast,' and about Arthur who was away because there had been an emergency at work. Once he was done eating Remus finally felt somewhat alive again, now showered and not starving how he had been, but he was exhausted. Molly, who was quick to notice, somehow managed to convince him to sleep on the couch, and told him how Arthur would be so happy to see him and talk to him in the morning.
He was asleep before his head even reached the pillow.
The next morning, however, when Molly quietly made her way downstairs to get started on breakfast, the sight of an empty couch made her stop short. The blankets that she had let Remus borrow were neatly folded on it, along with Arthur's clothes and the pillow she had given him the night before.
With a sigh she walked over, and immediately picked up the piece of parchment that was left on top of the pile.
Molly,
I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to spend the night, but I couldn't stay for long. As it was, my visit was only supposed to last a few hours at most. I really do appreciate your company and how welcoming you were; it helped in more ways than I can really tell you.
Oh, and your cooking is as delicious as ever.
Please say hello to Arthur and the children, and I am sorry for not staying to see them personally.
Forever in your debt,
Remus Lupin
Remus had struggled with himself for days over his decision. One minute he would convince himself it was something he needed to do despite how he felt about it, but the next he would somehow manage to get into his head that he didn't need anything. He didn't need anyone. He could survive very well on his own.
Except, he couldn't. Not exactly, at least.
He had lost count just how long he had been traveling for, moving from one spot to another each time he wouldn't be employed any longer by the residents of whatever town he would stay in. Then again, who could really hire someone who wasn't reliable because they were ill half of the month? Look how peaky you look, some would say, scowling the second he would show up for work. Do you know how bad it is for business? And then the actual transformations would occur, and who could really keep someone employed who would look even worse after a full moon? Especially someone who would sometimes be even injured due to scratches and bites that the werewolf would inflict on his own body and would need time off to recuperate from?
It was hunger and necessity that had really broken him down in the end. Because, as easy as it would be to simply fade away to nothing, he just couldn't. He had no idea why he couldn't, when he really had nothing to live for, but perhaps he was simply not brave enough to follow through.
One knock at the Burrow and Molly Weasley was at the doorstep in an instant, ushering him in once she got over the initial shock of seeing him again. He didn't even get a chance to say anything before Molly started talking rapidly as Mother Mode seemed to kick in. 'I'm sorry for intruding,' Remus wanted to say. 'I shouldn't be here, but...'
In a blur everything seemed to happen. Molly looked for some of Arthur's clothes he could borrow despite him insisting that it wasn't necessary, and Remus quietly went to the bathroom so he could shower, shave and change while Molly prepared something to eat for him. He felt guilty for imposing like this and showing up out of nowhere, but that guilt died down a little when he caught whiff of the food she was making. It almost disappeared completely once he sat down to eat.
"We've been really worried about you," Molly finally said to break the silence as Remus continued eating as normally as he could, despite how much he wanted to simply devour everything on his plate from how hungry he was. "Where have you been all this time?"
Silence was Remus' answer at first. Partly because it felt like he couldn't get enough food into his mouth to stop feeling like he did, but mainly because he really didn't want to talk about what he was living through. Least of all to Molly, who was being so kind to him. "Traveling," Remus finally said, his voice sounding a bit hoarse from disuse. "Just...traveling."
She nodded, her eyes fixed on him for a moment while Remus did his best to keep his eyes on the plate. After a beat, "It's not good for you to keep yourself away."
"Molly--"
"No, no, please listen. After the funerals you just disappeared, and we have all been very concerned about you."
The only sound heard in the kitchen was the sound of Remus' fork as it touched the plate whenever he would scoop up some more food.
"...Remus," she added quietly, "they were your friends."
Silence. Absolute silence.
"They wouldn't want you--"
The fork dropped from his hand and, even if he continued to stare down at the plate, Molly could already notice just how his features seemed to harden.
"Stop it." His voice was barely above a whisper, but it didn't take away from the edge it carried. "Please, just stop it. I don't... I didn't come here so we could talk about... About them."
Even that word hurt. Them. Even if years had passed since James', Lily's and Peter's deaths, and since Sirius got taken to Azkaban, the wound felt so raw still that he had to force himself to stay seated and not just bolt towards the door again so she wouldn't see how vulnerable he felt.
But she didn't back down. If anything, she quietly set silencing charms around the kitchen in case Remus were to finally let go; she didn't want one of the children to come downstairs and cause him to shut himself away again. "Ignoring the pain won't make it go away."
"I know that."
"Do you? Because that is exactly what you are doing." A beat. "They are still gone, Remus--"
"Thank you, Molly, I am quite aware of that fact." Even if he didn't raise his voice, the bitterness was still there. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, he raked his fingers through his hair as he bowed his head a little. He shouldn't have come here. It had been a mistake. Being around others that knew him, and that knew what he had lived through and had lost, was dangerous. That had been the reason why he had started traveling, hadn't it? He didn't want to see the pity in their eyes whenever they would see him. Him, the one that had somehow been left behind. The one that had to deal with the death of three of his best friends, and with the fact that Sirius, of all people, had been the cause.
In so many ways, he suddenly realized, he had already faded away to nothing. What was left behind was only a shell of what he had once been. A shadow that moved from one spot to another; a shadow that should have disappeared a long time ago.
"I shouldn't be here," he suddenly mumbled as he passed a hand wearily over his face. "I really, really shouldn't be here."
"Nonsense," said Molly as she walked over to him and gave his shoulder a small squeeze. "You should have come to see us a long time ago."
Remus looked up at Molly then and braved a small smile that barely tugged at the corners of his lips. If she understood what he had meant with his statement, she didn't say it. She just gave him a small smile of her own; one so warm and welcoming that it made Remus' heart ache. Clearing his throat a little after a moment, he gave a small nod. "Thank you."
"You're very welcome. Now, let me refill that plate of yours; you look too thin. Look at those clothes, they are far too loose on you!"
Before he could protest Molly had already taken away his plate to serve him seconds. And then thirds. And just so she wouldn't keep asking him about himself, Remus asked about the children, who were all 'growing up so fast,' and about Arthur who was away because there had been an emergency at work. Once he was done eating Remus finally felt somewhat alive again, now showered and not starving how he had been, but he was exhausted. Molly, who was quick to notice, somehow managed to convince him to sleep on the couch, and told him how Arthur would be so happy to see him and talk to him in the morning.
He was asleep before his head even reached the pillow.
The next morning, however, when Molly quietly made her way downstairs to get started on breakfast, the sight of an empty couch made her stop short. The blankets that she had let Remus borrow were neatly folded on it, along with Arthur's clothes and the pillow she had given him the night before.
With a sigh she walked over, and immediately picked up the piece of parchment that was left on top of the pile.
Molly,
I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to spend the night, but I couldn't stay for long. As it was, my visit was only supposed to last a few hours at most. I really do appreciate your company and how welcoming you were; it helped in more ways than I can really tell you.
Oh, and your cooking is as delicious as ever.
Please say hello to Arthur and the children, and I am sorry for not staying to see them personally.
Forever in your debt,
Remus Lupin