Of course

[quirkytizzy]

So my therapist, whom I've seen twice now, suggested that maybe I try writing again. It's difficult - my mornings are no longer free, and since I've quit smoking, I no longer wake up at 5 AM. Those precious hours where I could wrap word against wrist and onto keyboard are spent holding onto precious, precious sleep

Comments

[cemeteryconsort]

Facebook is a horrible replacement for writing.
Twitter is worse.
I wonder if the idea that the dialysis will be a permanent thing is the fear? That its a step towards the inevitable short of a kidney transplant, which I'm not sure if you are considering or in one for?

[quirkytizzy]

I am aiming for a transplant, but it will be years, Average is 6-10 years. Unused kidneys aren't exactly a free flowing resource, and I'm not going to go on a desperate crusade trying to convince people to donate. I don't know if I'd even WANT that. My best bet would be to get a cadavar's,

I'm talking to an insurance rep next week about getting on that transplant list, though - I'd qualify. Non smoker, no other organ problems, well within weight limits, etc. I think I would, at least.

[yourdailyme]

I seriously hope you get that transplant! I wish you the best!

[matrixmann]

I think it's quite obvious why they don't really want to go down into depth with this topic: Dialysis is not so far away from death, plus it's an undeniable reality that allows no avoiding it anymore. You unconditionally have to deal with it. - And no-one likes to see you in a condition like that, not even to speak about that it's a large step on the escalator of someone's mortality.

By the way, it's good to hear word from you.

[quirkytizzy]

Maybe that's it. I know for Jesse, it triggers his medical fears, which makes sense, even as it's frustrating. Pat? Maybe he's afraid of losing me on some level. I don't know.

Maybe I could ask him, though, what makes him uncomfortable about it, because I'll bet you're right. It's undeniable proof of my mortality. That escalator as you put it - amazing word to put to it. PERFECT word for it.

[matrixmann]

Of course, you can also directly ask your people what exactly makes them uncomfortble about this topic...
But I guess, somewhere it comes down to that. About "the end" feeling closer, about it feeling real and not as distant anymore as usually in life.

"Escalator" I borrowed from someone else who uses it in a completely different context.
As I'm not a native in English, I guess, one is linguistically a bit more dynamic in using words unconventionally, according to what context it suits and not only where they usually belong, according to the rules of a language.

[gonzo21]

Of course they are afraid of losing you.

Jesse in particular must be terrified of losing you. What happens to him without you?

[blozor]

I'm not sure if I could give you all the answers, but if you ever do need to talk it's not something I think I would be too uncomfortable with since it's been something of a reality for me for the past ten years or so. Plus, I have an excellent first-hand resource to get specific answers about the process if you need it.

[quirkytizzy]

As it gets closer, I will be calling on you and Amanda, if she wouldn't mind. I watch videos - okay, so far like 2 videos - of people doing the dialysis process (at home, with manual exchanges) and I picture her doing this, and you there helping her and somehow it's more real, less clinical.

Isn't it strange? How both her and I have kidney failure?

Something I think about occasionally.

[gonzo21]

For what it's worth, yes, we have all lost a good deal of our depth since folks moved to Facebook. The only person I felt really held onto some element of their depth on that platform was Bart, but even then, Facebook bart was a pale imitation of LJ Bart.

[quirkytizzy]

The longer he's gone, the more I am amazed at how well he was always himself, and never seemed bothered by who he was. I didn't appreciate that enough about him while he was here, and now I find myself unable to ask him about it.

I guess that's how things go when friends die, though.

It is so good to see you, Simon, making incursions here and FB. And yes - how do you recapture that..........that LJ vunerability? I think I'll be asking that till the day I die, because god knows, Facebook is so difficult for that

[gonzo21]

It's a focus thing, as much as anything isn't it. Writing here takes time and critically, mental focus. And the modern internet steals that from us.

And yeah I don't know how Bart did it either. Except he too eventually left LJ as well. That was when I left as well actually, Bart was one of the last close-ish friends I had here, and when he left for FB I didn't really have anybody left to regularly talk to. So I became an anonymous noise on FB instead.

And thank you. It's a good question isn't it, how to recapture it.

And I don't know, I think it's different for all of us isn't it? We all got a bit older, we all got to greater or lesser degrees a whole lot more damaged. Mentally or physically or both.

I mean after what happened to me I don't know if I'll ever be open and vulnerable with people ever again. It's a wound, a problem, I cannot see any solution to.

[howlin_wolf_66]

The more you do it, the easier the process of writing will become... I hope you find it to be a benefit

[quirkytizzy]

It is so nice to meet you Dave! And it's wonderful that some names still stick, such as Bart's <3 I think I've seen you in my friend's journals over the years as well!

[howlin_wolf_66]

Great to meet you, too! :-) *hugs*