Baby's First Christmas
Title: Baby's First Christmas
Author: quietprofanity
Fandom: Clerks
Pairing: Dante/Randal
Warnings: Explicit m/m sex and language that probably shouldn't be used around a baby
Disclaimer: Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, Jay, Silent Bob, Brodie Bruce, Rene Mosier, and Randal and Dante's parents are all the property of Kevin Smith and the View Askewniverse. All toys and book references are property of their respective owners. Felicia Wanda Graves and Lex Luthor Bruce are mine. If you really want to use them, I can't stop you, but you're still a sad little person.
Notes: Part of the Slash-Advent Calendar situated at: http://www.kardasi.com/Advent Thus, this is slash. This is a follow-up to that odd male pregnancy fanfic I wrote. (Look, I'm sorry. I miss my childhood and I still hate Ron Howard for that freaking live-action Grinch movie and I need to vent in some fashion.) This is a bit sweeter than that humorous fic, though.
Acknowledgements: I'd like to thank the many children in my life who blended together to make little Miss Graves. I would never, ever, ever show them this story.
2008 Update: Useless fun.
~*~*~
Randal Graves smiled as he took another peek back into the bedroom that he shared with Dante. His lover was still asleep, curled up on the bed, totally unsuspecting. Oh, this was going be too good.
Okay, now to put the plan into action. Randal glanced down at his daughter, who was sitting on the floor playing with the plush Mooby that Randal's parents had bought her as an early Christmas present. Felicia had grown quite a bit in these six months, and she was as inquisitive and strong-willed as anything. Everyone who met her predicted she'd be a nightmare when she learned to walk. Randal could believe it, but that didn't mean he didn't like to encourage a streak of not-so-proper behavior.
He picked up his daughter and held her in his arms. "This, 'Licia, is called 'How to piss off Dante.' You'll appreciate this when April Fool's Day comes around."
Felicia showed her appreciation by attempting to bite Mooby's ear off. Randal smiled and pulled a CD out of his pocket.
Randal and Dante kept a stereo in their room, a present from some alliance or something that promoted gay childcare. God knows what a stereo had to do with raising a child, but it would prove useful tonight. Randal grinned evilly at his daughter as he popped in the CD and went to track seven.
"Dante hates this song." Randal whispered conspiratorially. "His second most hated Christmas song. I would have played the one he really hates, that schmaltzy one about that kid who's buying his dying mom a new pair of shoes, but doesn't have the money. Such sentimental crap, but a bit too quiet. This will be fun." He pushed the stereo in Dante's
direction, turned the volume up to ten ("But these speakers go up to eleven." he whispered), pressed play, and then ran out of the room, his hands covering his baby's ears as he did so.
The reaction was priceless. As soon as the opening music began, Dante violently bolted out of bed, smacking against the headboard as he did so.
"I don't want a lot for Christmas..." sang the stereo. "There's just one thing I need."
"RANDAL!"
The blonde man simply laughed as Dante shut off the stereo and threw a pillow in his direction. "Hey! I'm holding a baby here."
Dante frowned. "Right, hide behind her. Very adult of you."
"I'm just protecting myself."
The dark-haired main simply groaned and rubbed his head. "Yeah, well you can't hide behind her forever."
"Watch me," Randal smiled.
"Please. You'll put her down as soon as her diaper starts to smell."
Randal laughed again as Dante rested back on the bed. "Hey! What are you doing? It's Christmas. Get up."
Dante blinked. "Why?"
"Because I want to go out in the snow and fuck you in front of everybody. To open presents, stupid."
Felicia cooed and chewed on Mooby, almost as if she was indicating that she agreed with Randal.
Dante sighed and got up. "Okay, okay." He stretched and pulled on a robe. Randal threw his hand around Dante's shoulder as they walked to the living room.
~*~*~
Dante and Randal had bought a house late in the summer of that year: a little one-story two bedroom on the outskirts of Leonardo. It was relatively new, not something that was really built on land, but pre-built in some factory and plopped onto whatever spare land
the builders could find. It was boring, but unfortunately it was pretty much all one could get in the densely-populated Tri-Town area these days.
It was a nice place, though. The three of them had enough room to live comfortably and well. And besides, Dante had made the point that when Felicia started to walk, they probably wouldn't want a large house, anyway.
And yet as Dante and Randal looked over the semi-large pile of presents from various well-wishers (why had the birth been so highly publicized, anyway? It's not like they particularly cared when Randal was pregnant.), Dante wondered if maybe they should have brought a bigger house.
"Where are we going to put all this?" complained Dante as he picked up yet another present. "Felicia has so many toys as it is."
"Do you have to find fault in everything?" Randal sat on the floor, Felicia between his legs as she struggled to grab a pretty green bow off of a red box that was just out of her reach. "We're getting free toys! Stop your bitching."
Dante sighed and sat down next to him. "I know, but I really hate accepting this stuff sometimes. It's not like we're a charity."
"Have you looked at your paycheck recently?" Randal asked.
"That's not what I meant."
"Whatever. It's not like any of these toys are exactly quality, anyway."
"What's wrong with them?" asked Dante.
"Man... they're just baby toys. It's not like there's any Star Wars action figures or anything good here. Toys don't get really fun until the kid's like, three or something. Until then you can't even get the kid a freaking Mr. Potato Head."
"Some of them are fun." Dante picked up a small box and looked at Felicia. "You wanna see what a total stranger got you, kitten? Let's see what he got you."
Randal laughed as Felicia watched, spellbound as Dante opened the present.
"What is it? What is it?" he chanted. "Hey! It's an Eeyore." Dante wiggled the stuffed animal in front of his daughter's face. "What do you think?"
Felicia whimpered and tried to grab for the wrapping paper.
"Or not."
"I told you." Randal said. "Baby toys aren't cool."
"Hey, I like Eeyore!" Dante hugged the stuffed animal.
"Why? Because he's overly pessimistic martyr like you?"
Dante just frowned. "Or maybe he's just a classic A.A. Milne character."
"Tigger could kick his ass."
"Tigger couldn't even sustain his own movie."
Randal waved him away. "Speaking of movies... did we get that new Winnie the Pooh Christmas movie?"
"No... They gave us movies?"
"Yep."
"DVD, right?"
"Listen to you: 'DVD, right?' Like a kid really wants to hear the director's commentary for the Rollie Pollie Ollie movie."
Dante rolled his eyes. "Forget I asked."
"Yeah, they're on DVD."
"See, you could have just said that."
"Aw, but where would be the fun in that?" Randal tickled Felicia.
Dante looked at Felicia. "Look at Randal, trying to win your affection after insulting me. He's such an asshole, isn't he, kitten?"
Randal pushed Dante's forehead, almost throwing the other man back. "You're the asshole. And Felicia thinks I'm hilarious. Don't you, 'Licia? You think Randal's so funny." He tickled the baby and she giggled sweetly.
Dante sighed and picked up a thin, rectangular present that looked like a DVD case. Randal continued to tickle Felicia and talk to her in the third person. "Randal's going to show you this present now."
The dark-haired man shook his head at the memory. After about six hours of debate, Dante and Randal had eventually decided to teach Felicia call them by their real names. It just seemed like the simplest and most attractive idea. Randal absolutely refused to be
called "Mom" and Dante didn't like the idea of them both being called "Dad." ("Too confusing.") They'd tried to mix it up, like "Dad and Daddy" or "Daddy and Papa" but one of them would have some sort of problem with their given name and they'd have to let that idea drop. There was the idea of them both being called "Daddy Randal and Daddy Dante" but Randal thought that those names sounded like some sort of fetish-club names. Randal then suggested he'd have the "Dad" title and Dante could be called by his real name.
"No way," Dante had said. "If you're the Dad, then what am I? I don't want her to be sixteen and arguing with her about a curfew and have her say some sort of shit like, 'You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real father.'"
"Don't you think she would say that to you anyway?" Randal pointed out.
"Well... maybe. But we don't need to make it obvious."
Randal sighed. "Hey, look. If it makes you feel any better, she can call me by my real name too."
The idea surprised Dante at first. "What? So we'd just be Randal and Dante?"
Randal shrugged. "I don't have a problem with that. Do you?"
He didn't. So much for all that debate, then. Dante opened the present.
"Aw, man!" Randal complained. "The fake Grinch? Yuck."
Dante blinked and looked at the box. "The fake Grinch? What? It's fake just because it's live action?"
"Man, if you want to do Grinch you have to do the Chuck Jones cartoon with Boris Karloff and that guy who does the voice of Tony the Tiger. Not this bullshit with Jim Carrey as the Grinch."
"I thought he did a good job," said Dante.
"Sure, he did a good job, but he was given such a crappy script. There was nothing wrong with the Grinch, why did they have to add all that extra shit?"
"They had to fill out the movie somehow."
"I don't care! The Grinch isn't supposed to have an origin story. 'The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.'" Randal recited. "It's right there in the fucking text and then they go and add this bullshit about him being some kid who was always picked on in school and blah blah blah."
"Hey, at least they tried to explain what the Grinch was," Dante pointed out. "I mean, there doesn't seem to be any other Grinches. How'd a big green... thing like him get stuck with a bunch of Whos?"
"He's the Grinch! Who cares where he came from? The species created by Dr. Seuss don't need to have any rhyme or reason to them or follow Darwin's laws of evolution. Take the book Scrambled Eggs Super. There's this bird there that has legs as long as a telephone pole, so when she lays the eggs, they just crash to the ground and crack open. Now how the hell would a species like that survive? It couldn't! Thus, that just goes to show you that you can't take the works of Dr. Seuss too seriously."
Dante just stared at Randal. "Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk?"
Randal just opened another present. "Oooh! Look, a ring toss! I remember these things."
"Hey, yeah." Dante pulled one of the rings off of its yellow stand. "Of course, it's not a real ring toss. The only way you can really win is by standing over it and dropping it down and even that's shaky."
"Whatever. It looks like a ring toss."
Dante handed Felicia the ring, which she immediately grabbed and started sucking. "The good stuff never dies. Right, kitten?" Dante tickled his daughter's stomach and she giggled.
Randal shook his head. "Okay, so we'll actually send a thank you note to that person. Let's see what else..." He picked up a long, rectangular box which Felicia immediately tried to grab.
"Oooh, what's that?" Dante asked Felicia enthusiastically.
Randal ripped off the paper.
"It's a... Oh, God, it's a clown."
"Hey, show some respect," Randal said. "This is Flappy of Flappy's Funhouse. Hey! He kind of looks like you."
"No he doesn't."
Randal didn't listen and opened the box, taking out the doll, which was strapped to the cardboard backdrop inside in millions of different ways. "Fucking over-packaged bullshit..." Randal grumbled and immediately went to work untwisting some of the ties. After he got one of the hands free, he placed the tie on the floor. Felicia immediately grabbed for it.
"Woah, woah." Dante yanked it out of her hand before she could get it to her mouth. "That's not for you, kitten." He put the tie in his pocket and then picked her up. "Let's see what else we have." He picked up a small box and shook it. Dante smiled when he heard the familiar jingle. "Oh, Dante knows what this is." He opened the box and took out a large, shiny plastic apple with a smiling face planted on it. He knew it. Dante shook it and Felicia giggled and the musical sound. "You know what, kitten? Dante says Pokemon can take a hike. They should never stop making toys like this."
"Awww, that's so cute," Randal cooed as he finally got Flappy free. "Snobby Dante asks if his child's movies are in digital and yet he still gets wet over a gigantic, jingly apple."
"Aw, fuck you and your stupid clown doll too."
"Hey, I happen to like the clown doll," said Randal. He waved the doll in front of Felicia's face. "This doll looks like Dante. It's the Dante doll. Can you say Dante doll? Daaaante doll."
"She won't say it. I've been trying to get her to say my name for weeks and she just blows spit bubbles at me."
"Whatever," Randal said and turned back to Felicia. The baby giggled as her father shook it in front of her face. "Say 'Dante-doll,' Felicia. Say 'Dante-doll.'"
Felicia opened her mouth and closed it a few times. Randal smiled, "See, she's trying."
"She did that to me, too." Dante rubbed his fingers through his daughter's soft blonde curls. "Don't get your hopes up too high, Randal."
"Say 'Dante-doll,'" Randal repeated. "Say 'Dante-doll.'"
Felicia's blue eyes were wide as her father waved the colorful object back and forth in front of her again and again. Then she looked up at her other father as he stroked her blonde hair. He smiled at her. She smiled back, the familiar sounds of Randal's voice (which she'd been hearing before she'd been born, although she had no way of knowing that now) in her ears. He was making one over and over again. Da... Da...
"Damme-all."
She realized the father holding her had stopped stroking her hair. Dante looked at Randal in shock. Randal just smiled.
"Dante-doll," he repeated.
"Damme-all."
"Dan-TE-doll. Dan-TE doll"
"Damte-doll."
"Dante-doll."
"Dante-doll."
"That's it! Good girl!"
"Dante-doll."
"Ha! See? She said it, Dante! She said it!"
"Dante-doll."
Dante sighed. "I still say that doll doesn't look like me."
"Dante..."
"I'm kidding!" Dante smiled and hugged Felicia. "God, she talked."
Randal smiled and edged closer to his lover and daughter. He put the doll in his daughter's arms. She immediately hugged it.
Randal just looked at Dante. Dante looked like he could cry. "We'll have to write whoever sent that a thank you note, too."
Randal laughed. Dante bent over and kissed his daughter's head. "We love you, you know."
"We do," nodded Randal.
"Dante-doll..." said Felicia. "Dante-doll."
~*~*~
"Silver bells (silver bells) silver bells. It's Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, (ring-a-ling), hear them ring. Soon it will be Christmas day."
Randal peered down into the crib. Felicia was sleeping soundly, her Flappy doll lying next to her, her apple and "ring toss" in the corner of the crib and her Spider-Man blanket (a gift from Brodie and Rene) draped over her body. Oh, and they couldn't forget the cloud pajamas: another present from Randal's parents. (Dante's got her the real Grinch DVD. Randal had a new respect for his mother-in-law after that.)
Wow. It'd been a dream of a day. After they opened the presents and watched the DVD they'd gone outside in the snow until lunch. For the rest of the day they'd basically played with the baby and her new toys until she was tired. That was where they were now.
Dante re-adjusted the blanket. "Do you think she knows we love her?"
"Dante, if she could sleep through your awful voice, I'm sure of it."
At that Dante slapped Randal, but the blonde man just laughed and dodged. "Come on, Dante. I have to give you my present." He patted Felicia on the head. "Good night, 'Licia."
"Merry Christmas, kitten," added Dante.
With that, the two fathers left the room, leaving the door open in case the child cried.
"Hey..." Dante said. "You don't think that doll's going to attack her like in Poltergeist or..."
"Oh, will you give it up? You and your stupid coulrophobia."
"My what?"
"Your fear of clowns."
"I'm not afraid of clowns. I just don't like them."
"Whatever," said Randal as they reached the living room.
Dante plopped down on the couch. "So, what's my present?"
"Let me get it." Randal ran out of the room. "Close your eyes."
Dante did so. "Closed."
"Okay."
Dante heard movement and then the feeling something hard and light laid across his lap. He opened his eyes. It was a picture of the three of them at the beach. Dante was holding Felicia in his lap as Randal hugged him around the neck. Dante was actually shocked. The three of them looked so perfect together. So happy. You would have never known that Dante and Randal had argued over every stupid thing possible that morning. Or that the baby had spit up all over her new car seat right after they arrived. Or that Randal had gotten some ridiculous e-mail saying how they were raising the child to be a demon or something. They got one of those every two weeks or so. But there... they looked absolutely perfect and happy.
"Wow. that's... that's quite a moment."
"Yeah," Randal nodded. "Almost makes you ignore the topless woman swimming in the ocean."
"What?" Dante squinted at the background. There was one indeed. "Oh, thanks Randal! Now I'm just gonna be looking at that whenever I see this picture."
"Hey, I figure it's like that picture Michelangelo did of the holy family with the five naked guys in the background."
Dante sighed. "You want to see the present I got you? It's not anything big. And it's kind of like this one: it's for the three of us. But I worked kind of hard on it."
"Oh yeah?"
Dante left the room, then came back in, a present decorated with Star Wars wrapping paper in his hands. Randal laughed and opened it carefully, struggling to preserve it.
"Let's see. What is...?" Randal blinked. "Aw..."
Dante smiled as Randal ran his fingers across the title of the book. "Portraits of Our Baby." He opened it up. A picture of Randal and Dante after Felicia's birth. A picture of Jay and Silent Bob ogling the baby from behind a glass window. Their new house. The three of them setting up the room. The Christening. Felicia and Lex Luthor playing in a playpen.
Then Randal laughed. "Oh God. I remember these pictures."
"The baby torture pictures?"
"Yep." Randal shook his head as he glanced through pictures of the two of them taking Felicia out of a mailbox, pretending to throw her in the trash, pretending that she was getting crushed by Dante's car. There was one where Randal put her on a plate while Dante held utensils over her as if he were about to eat her. There was another with Randal showing her a copy of "Playgirl" and Dante raging in the background. Randal laughed again. "This is the sign of parents who have way too much time on their hands."
"Well... we're only having one," said Dante. "Might as well show her off. Besides, it always makes people laugh whenever we show them."
Randal laughed and nodded. He then edged closer to Dante and took his hand in his. "Thanks, by the way."
"Oh. Well, no problem." Dante smiled.
"No, really." Randal looked at Dante. "You... you really love her, huh?"
"Well, of course. She's our daughter."
Randal nodded. "I know. But she didn't have to be your daughter. I was thinking about that the other day. You didn't have to say yes."
"I wanted to, though," said Dante. "Sure, I was worried at first, but Silent Bob was right. I do love you."
Randal smiled.
"Hey," said Dante. "I got a question. ...Why me?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you fall in love with me?"
Randal smiled. "You're my best friend. I love you, man."
"But that's not quite the same thing."
Randal shrugged. "It always was for me."
Dante shook his head, "I..."
He stopped short. Randal's lips were on his own. The kiss was sweet at first, and then slowly became more demanding. Randal's tongue pried into Dante's lips. Dante wrapped his arms around Randal and held him close. They kept kissing, their tongues maneuvering and massaging one another as they struggled to pull each other closer. Finally, Randal straddled Dante and pushed him back on the couch.
Dante shivered as he felt Randal's fingers struggle to unbutton his pants. "It's been awhile..." he whispered. "We've been so tired."
"Consider it another Christmas present," whispered Randal as he pulled off his shirt and started to work at removing Dante's. Randal's hands then explored Dante's chest.
Dante moaned as he felt Randal's callused fingers pinch and prod his nipples, bringing them to a peak. He pulled Randal down towards him and began to kiss his neck, smiling to himself as he felt Randal shudder in his arms. When he started to remove Randal's pants, he started laughing.
"What is it?" asked Randal.
"Us." Dante laughed, and then moaned as Randal's hands began tracing the front of his boxers.
Randal pushed Dante's pants and boxers down and wriggled them off his legs. "What's so funny about us?"
"We're fucking parents..." moaned Dante as Randal got up and ran off to their bedroom. Dante waited until Randal came back, lube in hand. "We're fucking parents and here we are, about to fuck on the couch like teenagers."
"Isn't it beautiful?" Randal smiled as he pushed down his pants and handed Dante the lubricant. "Or what? Did you think parents never had sex?"
Dante sat up squirted some of the lubricant on to his fingers. "No, I just... Well, I just pictured that if I was ever to be a father."
Randal stood up and bent over, and Dante pressed a finger into Randal. He gasped sharply, then moaned as he felt the warm liquid being rubbed inside him.
"Randal?"
"Humh...?"
"Did you hear me?"
Randal moaned he felt Dante's fingers move inside him. God, he was so hard right now. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I said if I was gonna be a father, I thought I'd be the... well, normal father, having some sort of special, bonding sex with the mother of my children."
Randal laughed harshly and moaned as Dante removed his fingers. Randal then lay next to Dante on the couch, his head lying on the pillow near the armrest and his ass near Dante. "And you're not doing that now?"
"You didn't want to be called 'Mom.' But... I don't know. I didn't think I'd ever find myself in this position as a father."
Dante edged closer to Randal and lay on his side next to him. Randal lifted up one of his legs and slowly, ever so slowly, Dante pressed his cock into Randal. Dante shuddered immediately at the feel of entering the tight opening and as he got further and further in he began to moan.
Randal gasped as his body adjusted to Dante's cock. "En..." he moaned. "Enjoying it?"
Dante laughed harshly as he started to fuck Randal, slowly thrusting in and out of the other man's ass. "To say the least," he whispered.
Randal nodded and gasped as Dante shifted and pushed again. "Oh God... do that again."
Another push. "That?" asked Dante.
"Mmm... yes," Randal moaned hotly as he felt Dante push into him again and again. He leaned back on the couch. He closed his eyes as he basked in the feel of being fucked again and again. Oh God, it felt so good. And so... tantalizing... in a way. Dante was
going slow, a necessity when you went for sideways, and it both satisfied and maddened Randal. He kept wanting more and quickly and there was only so much... but God, Dante was so hard. He moaned and begged and pleaded.
And Dante only kept going. His breathing became heavy as he pressed into Randal again and again. God, he loved this. Randal could say what he wanted about him being a bitch (and Dante could be if he felt so inclined), but there was no doubt from the way his blond lover was moaning that Randal wanted this as much as he did. As he continued to fuck him, Dante chronicled every moan and sigh that Randal made, and it only turned Dante on more. God, sometimes he felt he could just come with one hot breath from Randal.
Eventually, after an eternity (hours? minutes?), Randal felt Dante's hand moving over his thighs. Dante then wrapped his hand around Randal's shaft and began to stroke him hard. Randal moaned and struggled not to buck his hips as every rational thought in his head disintegrated into nothing but pleasure... then pain as he felt his body tense up. He was close... he was so close. No, forget close. He was fucking there. Dante's hand grasped around him one more time and he was gone. Randal let out a gasp and came.
Dante wasn't far behind. He thrust himself forward twice with all his might and then released his seed into Randal, groaning as he did so.
Dante pulled out of Randal and then lay back on the bed. Randal groaned and got up. He climbed on top of Dante and pulled him close, running his fingers through his hair and giving him a kiss.
"Merry Christmas, Dad," Randal smirked.
Dante shook his head. "Dante. We're supposed to call each other by our real names."
Randal just sighed and shook his head. He kissed Dante. "Fuck you, I'll call you whatever I want."
"Asshole."
"Prick."
Dante paused, and then suddenly laughed again.
"What?" Randal realized what they just said and laughed too. "Oh... Wow. That was bad."
"We're getting corny in our parenthood," commented Dante.
"Just a bit." Randal kissed his lover. "Merry Christmas, Dante."
"Merry Christmas, Randal."
The End.
Author: quietprofanity
Fandom: Clerks
Pairing: Dante/Randal
Warnings: Explicit m/m sex and language that probably shouldn't be used around a baby
Disclaimer: Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, Jay, Silent Bob, Brodie Bruce, Rene Mosier, and Randal and Dante's parents are all the property of Kevin Smith and the View Askewniverse. All toys and book references are property of their respective owners. Felicia Wanda Graves and Lex Luthor Bruce are mine. If you really want to use them, I can't stop you, but you're still a sad little person.
Notes: Part of the Slash-Advent Calendar situated at: http://www.kardasi.com/Advent Thus, this is slash. This is a follow-up to that odd male pregnancy fanfic I wrote. (Look, I'm sorry. I miss my childhood and I still hate Ron Howard for that freaking live-action Grinch movie and I need to vent in some fashion.) This is a bit sweeter than that humorous fic, though.
Acknowledgements: I'd like to thank the many children in my life who blended together to make little Miss Graves. I would never, ever, ever show them this story.
2008 Update: Useless fun.
~*~*~
Randal Graves smiled as he took another peek back into the bedroom that he shared with Dante. His lover was still asleep, curled up on the bed, totally unsuspecting. Oh, this was going be too good.
Okay, now to put the plan into action. Randal glanced down at his daughter, who was sitting on the floor playing with the plush Mooby that Randal's parents had bought her as an early Christmas present. Felicia had grown quite a bit in these six months, and she was as inquisitive and strong-willed as anything. Everyone who met her predicted she'd be a nightmare when she learned to walk. Randal could believe it, but that didn't mean he didn't like to encourage a streak of not-so-proper behavior.
He picked up his daughter and held her in his arms. "This, 'Licia, is called 'How to piss off Dante.' You'll appreciate this when April Fool's Day comes around."
Felicia showed her appreciation by attempting to bite Mooby's ear off. Randal smiled and pulled a CD out of his pocket.
Randal and Dante kept a stereo in their room, a present from some alliance or something that promoted gay childcare. God knows what a stereo had to do with raising a child, but it would prove useful tonight. Randal grinned evilly at his daughter as he popped in the CD and went to track seven.
"Dante hates this song." Randal whispered conspiratorially. "His second most hated Christmas song. I would have played the one he really hates, that schmaltzy one about that kid who's buying his dying mom a new pair of shoes, but doesn't have the money. Such sentimental crap, but a bit too quiet. This will be fun." He pushed the stereo in Dante's
direction, turned the volume up to ten ("But these speakers go up to eleven." he whispered), pressed play, and then ran out of the room, his hands covering his baby's ears as he did so.
The reaction was priceless. As soon as the opening music began, Dante violently bolted out of bed, smacking against the headboard as he did so.
"I don't want a lot for Christmas..." sang the stereo. "There's just one thing I need."
"RANDAL!"
The blonde man simply laughed as Dante shut off the stereo and threw a pillow in his direction. "Hey! I'm holding a baby here."
Dante frowned. "Right, hide behind her. Very adult of you."
"I'm just protecting myself."
The dark-haired main simply groaned and rubbed his head. "Yeah, well you can't hide behind her forever."
"Watch me," Randal smiled.
"Please. You'll put her down as soon as her diaper starts to smell."
Randal laughed again as Dante rested back on the bed. "Hey! What are you doing? It's Christmas. Get up."
Dante blinked. "Why?"
"Because I want to go out in the snow and fuck you in front of everybody. To open presents, stupid."
Felicia cooed and chewed on Mooby, almost as if she was indicating that she agreed with Randal.
Dante sighed and got up. "Okay, okay." He stretched and pulled on a robe. Randal threw his hand around Dante's shoulder as they walked to the living room.
~*~*~
Dante and Randal had bought a house late in the summer of that year: a little one-story two bedroom on the outskirts of Leonardo. It was relatively new, not something that was really built on land, but pre-built in some factory and plopped onto whatever spare land
the builders could find. It was boring, but unfortunately it was pretty much all one could get in the densely-populated Tri-Town area these days.
It was a nice place, though. The three of them had enough room to live comfortably and well. And besides, Dante had made the point that when Felicia started to walk, they probably wouldn't want a large house, anyway.
And yet as Dante and Randal looked over the semi-large pile of presents from various well-wishers (why had the birth been so highly publicized, anyway? It's not like they particularly cared when Randal was pregnant.), Dante wondered if maybe they should have brought a bigger house.
"Where are we going to put all this?" complained Dante as he picked up yet another present. "Felicia has so many toys as it is."
"Do you have to find fault in everything?" Randal sat on the floor, Felicia between his legs as she struggled to grab a pretty green bow off of a red box that was just out of her reach. "We're getting free toys! Stop your bitching."
Dante sighed and sat down next to him. "I know, but I really hate accepting this stuff sometimes. It's not like we're a charity."
"Have you looked at your paycheck recently?" Randal asked.
"That's not what I meant."
"Whatever. It's not like any of these toys are exactly quality, anyway."
"What's wrong with them?" asked Dante.
"Man... they're just baby toys. It's not like there's any Star Wars action figures or anything good here. Toys don't get really fun until the kid's like, three or something. Until then you can't even get the kid a freaking Mr. Potato Head."
"Some of them are fun." Dante picked up a small box and looked at Felicia. "You wanna see what a total stranger got you, kitten? Let's see what he got you."
Randal laughed as Felicia watched, spellbound as Dante opened the present.
"What is it? What is it?" he chanted. "Hey! It's an Eeyore." Dante wiggled the stuffed animal in front of his daughter's face. "What do you think?"
Felicia whimpered and tried to grab for the wrapping paper.
"Or not."
"I told you." Randal said. "Baby toys aren't cool."
"Hey, I like Eeyore!" Dante hugged the stuffed animal.
"Why? Because he's overly pessimistic martyr like you?"
Dante just frowned. "Or maybe he's just a classic A.A. Milne character."
"Tigger could kick his ass."
"Tigger couldn't even sustain his own movie."
Randal waved him away. "Speaking of movies... did we get that new Winnie the Pooh Christmas movie?"
"No... They gave us movies?"
"Yep."
"DVD, right?"
"Listen to you: 'DVD, right?' Like a kid really wants to hear the director's commentary for the Rollie Pollie Ollie movie."
Dante rolled his eyes. "Forget I asked."
"Yeah, they're on DVD."
"See, you could have just said that."
"Aw, but where would be the fun in that?" Randal tickled Felicia.
Dante looked at Felicia. "Look at Randal, trying to win your affection after insulting me. He's such an asshole, isn't he, kitten?"
Randal pushed Dante's forehead, almost throwing the other man back. "You're the asshole. And Felicia thinks I'm hilarious. Don't you, 'Licia? You think Randal's so funny." He tickled the baby and she giggled sweetly.
Dante sighed and picked up a thin, rectangular present that looked like a DVD case. Randal continued to tickle Felicia and talk to her in the third person. "Randal's going to show you this present now."
The dark-haired man shook his head at the memory. After about six hours of debate, Dante and Randal had eventually decided to teach Felicia call them by their real names. It just seemed like the simplest and most attractive idea. Randal absolutely refused to be
called "Mom" and Dante didn't like the idea of them both being called "Dad." ("Too confusing.") They'd tried to mix it up, like "Dad and Daddy" or "Daddy and Papa" but one of them would have some sort of problem with their given name and they'd have to let that idea drop. There was the idea of them both being called "Daddy Randal and Daddy Dante" but Randal thought that those names sounded like some sort of fetish-club names. Randal then suggested he'd have the "Dad" title and Dante could be called by his real name.
"No way," Dante had said. "If you're the Dad, then what am I? I don't want her to be sixteen and arguing with her about a curfew and have her say some sort of shit like, 'You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real father.'"
"Don't you think she would say that to you anyway?" Randal pointed out.
"Well... maybe. But we don't need to make it obvious."
Randal sighed. "Hey, look. If it makes you feel any better, she can call me by my real name too."
The idea surprised Dante at first. "What? So we'd just be Randal and Dante?"
Randal shrugged. "I don't have a problem with that. Do you?"
He didn't. So much for all that debate, then. Dante opened the present.
"Aw, man!" Randal complained. "The fake Grinch? Yuck."
Dante blinked and looked at the box. "The fake Grinch? What? It's fake just because it's live action?"
"Man, if you want to do Grinch you have to do the Chuck Jones cartoon with Boris Karloff and that guy who does the voice of Tony the Tiger. Not this bullshit with Jim Carrey as the Grinch."
"I thought he did a good job," said Dante.
"Sure, he did a good job, but he was given such a crappy script. There was nothing wrong with the Grinch, why did they have to add all that extra shit?"
"They had to fill out the movie somehow."
"I don't care! The Grinch isn't supposed to have an origin story. 'The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.'" Randal recited. "It's right there in the fucking text and then they go and add this bullshit about him being some kid who was always picked on in school and blah blah blah."
"Hey, at least they tried to explain what the Grinch was," Dante pointed out. "I mean, there doesn't seem to be any other Grinches. How'd a big green... thing like him get stuck with a bunch of Whos?"
"He's the Grinch! Who cares where he came from? The species created by Dr. Seuss don't need to have any rhyme or reason to them or follow Darwin's laws of evolution. Take the book Scrambled Eggs Super. There's this bird there that has legs as long as a telephone pole, so when she lays the eggs, they just crash to the ground and crack open. Now how the hell would a species like that survive? It couldn't! Thus, that just goes to show you that you can't take the works of Dr. Seuss too seriously."
Dante just stared at Randal. "Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk?"
Randal just opened another present. "Oooh! Look, a ring toss! I remember these things."
"Hey, yeah." Dante pulled one of the rings off of its yellow stand. "Of course, it's not a real ring toss. The only way you can really win is by standing over it and dropping it down and even that's shaky."
"Whatever. It looks like a ring toss."
Dante handed Felicia the ring, which she immediately grabbed and started sucking. "The good stuff never dies. Right, kitten?" Dante tickled his daughter's stomach and she giggled.
Randal shook his head. "Okay, so we'll actually send a thank you note to that person. Let's see what else..." He picked up a long, rectangular box which Felicia immediately tried to grab.
"Oooh, what's that?" Dante asked Felicia enthusiastically.
Randal ripped off the paper.
"It's a... Oh, God, it's a clown."
"Hey, show some respect," Randal said. "This is Flappy of Flappy's Funhouse. Hey! He kind of looks like you."
"No he doesn't."
Randal didn't listen and opened the box, taking out the doll, which was strapped to the cardboard backdrop inside in millions of different ways. "Fucking over-packaged bullshit..." Randal grumbled and immediately went to work untwisting some of the ties. After he got one of the hands free, he placed the tie on the floor. Felicia immediately grabbed for it.
"Woah, woah." Dante yanked it out of her hand before she could get it to her mouth. "That's not for you, kitten." He put the tie in his pocket and then picked her up. "Let's see what else we have." He picked up a small box and shook it. Dante smiled when he heard the familiar jingle. "Oh, Dante knows what this is." He opened the box and took out a large, shiny plastic apple with a smiling face planted on it. He knew it. Dante shook it and Felicia giggled and the musical sound. "You know what, kitten? Dante says Pokemon can take a hike. They should never stop making toys like this."
"Awww, that's so cute," Randal cooed as he finally got Flappy free. "Snobby Dante asks if his child's movies are in digital and yet he still gets wet over a gigantic, jingly apple."
"Aw, fuck you and your stupid clown doll too."
"Hey, I happen to like the clown doll," said Randal. He waved the doll in front of Felicia's face. "This doll looks like Dante. It's the Dante doll. Can you say Dante doll? Daaaante doll."
"She won't say it. I've been trying to get her to say my name for weeks and she just blows spit bubbles at me."
"Whatever," Randal said and turned back to Felicia. The baby giggled as her father shook it in front of her face. "Say 'Dante-doll,' Felicia. Say 'Dante-doll.'"
Felicia opened her mouth and closed it a few times. Randal smiled, "See, she's trying."
"She did that to me, too." Dante rubbed his fingers through his daughter's soft blonde curls. "Don't get your hopes up too high, Randal."
"Say 'Dante-doll,'" Randal repeated. "Say 'Dante-doll.'"
Felicia's blue eyes were wide as her father waved the colorful object back and forth in front of her again and again. Then she looked up at her other father as he stroked her blonde hair. He smiled at her. She smiled back, the familiar sounds of Randal's voice (which she'd been hearing before she'd been born, although she had no way of knowing that now) in her ears. He was making one over and over again. Da... Da...
"Damme-all."
She realized the father holding her had stopped stroking her hair. Dante looked at Randal in shock. Randal just smiled.
"Dante-doll," he repeated.
"Damme-all."
"Dan-TE-doll. Dan-TE doll"
"Damte-doll."
"Dante-doll."
"Dante-doll."
"That's it! Good girl!"
"Dante-doll."
"Ha! See? She said it, Dante! She said it!"
"Dante-doll."
Dante sighed. "I still say that doll doesn't look like me."
"Dante..."
"I'm kidding!" Dante smiled and hugged Felicia. "God, she talked."
Randal smiled and edged closer to his lover and daughter. He put the doll in his daughter's arms. She immediately hugged it.
Randal just looked at Dante. Dante looked like he could cry. "We'll have to write whoever sent that a thank you note, too."
Randal laughed. Dante bent over and kissed his daughter's head. "We love you, you know."
"We do," nodded Randal.
"Dante-doll..." said Felicia. "Dante-doll."
~*~*~
"Silver bells (silver bells) silver bells. It's Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, (ring-a-ling), hear them ring. Soon it will be Christmas day."
Randal peered down into the crib. Felicia was sleeping soundly, her Flappy doll lying next to her, her apple and "ring toss" in the corner of the crib and her Spider-Man blanket (a gift from Brodie and Rene) draped over her body. Oh, and they couldn't forget the cloud pajamas: another present from Randal's parents. (Dante's got her the real Grinch DVD. Randal had a new respect for his mother-in-law after that.)
Wow. It'd been a dream of a day. After they opened the presents and watched the DVD they'd gone outside in the snow until lunch. For the rest of the day they'd basically played with the baby and her new toys until she was tired. That was where they were now.
Dante re-adjusted the blanket. "Do you think she knows we love her?"
"Dante, if she could sleep through your awful voice, I'm sure of it."
At that Dante slapped Randal, but the blonde man just laughed and dodged. "Come on, Dante. I have to give you my present." He patted Felicia on the head. "Good night, 'Licia."
"Merry Christmas, kitten," added Dante.
With that, the two fathers left the room, leaving the door open in case the child cried.
"Hey..." Dante said. "You don't think that doll's going to attack her like in Poltergeist or..."
"Oh, will you give it up? You and your stupid coulrophobia."
"My what?"
"Your fear of clowns."
"I'm not afraid of clowns. I just don't like them."
"Whatever," said Randal as they reached the living room.
Dante plopped down on the couch. "So, what's my present?"
"Let me get it." Randal ran out of the room. "Close your eyes."
Dante did so. "Closed."
"Okay."
Dante heard movement and then the feeling something hard and light laid across his lap. He opened his eyes. It was a picture of the three of them at the beach. Dante was holding Felicia in his lap as Randal hugged him around the neck. Dante was actually shocked. The three of them looked so perfect together. So happy. You would have never known that Dante and Randal had argued over every stupid thing possible that morning. Or that the baby had spit up all over her new car seat right after they arrived. Or that Randal had gotten some ridiculous e-mail saying how they were raising the child to be a demon or something. They got one of those every two weeks or so. But there... they looked absolutely perfect and happy.
"Wow. that's... that's quite a moment."
"Yeah," Randal nodded. "Almost makes you ignore the topless woman swimming in the ocean."
"What?" Dante squinted at the background. There was one indeed. "Oh, thanks Randal! Now I'm just gonna be looking at that whenever I see this picture."
"Hey, I figure it's like that picture Michelangelo did of the holy family with the five naked guys in the background."
Dante sighed. "You want to see the present I got you? It's not anything big. And it's kind of like this one: it's for the three of us. But I worked kind of hard on it."
"Oh yeah?"
Dante left the room, then came back in, a present decorated with Star Wars wrapping paper in his hands. Randal laughed and opened it carefully, struggling to preserve it.
"Let's see. What is...?" Randal blinked. "Aw..."
Dante smiled as Randal ran his fingers across the title of the book. "Portraits of Our Baby." He opened it up. A picture of Randal and Dante after Felicia's birth. A picture of Jay and Silent Bob ogling the baby from behind a glass window. Their new house. The three of them setting up the room. The Christening. Felicia and Lex Luthor playing in a playpen.
Then Randal laughed. "Oh God. I remember these pictures."
"The baby torture pictures?"
"Yep." Randal shook his head as he glanced through pictures of the two of them taking Felicia out of a mailbox, pretending to throw her in the trash, pretending that she was getting crushed by Dante's car. There was one where Randal put her on a plate while Dante held utensils over her as if he were about to eat her. There was another with Randal showing her a copy of "Playgirl" and Dante raging in the background. Randal laughed again. "This is the sign of parents who have way too much time on their hands."
"Well... we're only having one," said Dante. "Might as well show her off. Besides, it always makes people laugh whenever we show them."
Randal laughed and nodded. He then edged closer to Dante and took his hand in his. "Thanks, by the way."
"Oh. Well, no problem." Dante smiled.
"No, really." Randal looked at Dante. "You... you really love her, huh?"
"Well, of course. She's our daughter."
Randal nodded. "I know. But she didn't have to be your daughter. I was thinking about that the other day. You didn't have to say yes."
"I wanted to, though," said Dante. "Sure, I was worried at first, but Silent Bob was right. I do love you."
Randal smiled.
"Hey," said Dante. "I got a question. ...Why me?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you fall in love with me?"
Randal smiled. "You're my best friend. I love you, man."
"But that's not quite the same thing."
Randal shrugged. "It always was for me."
Dante shook his head, "I..."
He stopped short. Randal's lips were on his own. The kiss was sweet at first, and then slowly became more demanding. Randal's tongue pried into Dante's lips. Dante wrapped his arms around Randal and held him close. They kept kissing, their tongues maneuvering and massaging one another as they struggled to pull each other closer. Finally, Randal straddled Dante and pushed him back on the couch.
Dante shivered as he felt Randal's fingers struggle to unbutton his pants. "It's been awhile..." he whispered. "We've been so tired."
"Consider it another Christmas present," whispered Randal as he pulled off his shirt and started to work at removing Dante's. Randal's hands then explored Dante's chest.
Dante moaned as he felt Randal's callused fingers pinch and prod his nipples, bringing them to a peak. He pulled Randal down towards him and began to kiss his neck, smiling to himself as he felt Randal shudder in his arms. When he started to remove Randal's pants, he started laughing.
"What is it?" asked Randal.
"Us." Dante laughed, and then moaned as Randal's hands began tracing the front of his boxers.
Randal pushed Dante's pants and boxers down and wriggled them off his legs. "What's so funny about us?"
"We're fucking parents..." moaned Dante as Randal got up and ran off to their bedroom. Dante waited until Randal came back, lube in hand. "We're fucking parents and here we are, about to fuck on the couch like teenagers."
"Isn't it beautiful?" Randal smiled as he pushed down his pants and handed Dante the lubricant. "Or what? Did you think parents never had sex?"
Dante sat up squirted some of the lubricant on to his fingers. "No, I just... Well, I just pictured that if I was ever to be a father."
Randal stood up and bent over, and Dante pressed a finger into Randal. He gasped sharply, then moaned as he felt the warm liquid being rubbed inside him.
"Randal?"
"Humh...?"
"Did you hear me?"
Randal moaned he felt Dante's fingers move inside him. God, he was so hard right now. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I said if I was gonna be a father, I thought I'd be the... well, normal father, having some sort of special, bonding sex with the mother of my children."
Randal laughed harshly and moaned as Dante removed his fingers. Randal then lay next to Dante on the couch, his head lying on the pillow near the armrest and his ass near Dante. "And you're not doing that now?"
"You didn't want to be called 'Mom.' But... I don't know. I didn't think I'd ever find myself in this position as a father."
Dante edged closer to Randal and lay on his side next to him. Randal lifted up one of his legs and slowly, ever so slowly, Dante pressed his cock into Randal. Dante shuddered immediately at the feel of entering the tight opening and as he got further and further in he began to moan.
Randal gasped as his body adjusted to Dante's cock. "En..." he moaned. "Enjoying it?"
Dante laughed harshly as he started to fuck Randal, slowly thrusting in and out of the other man's ass. "To say the least," he whispered.
Randal nodded and gasped as Dante shifted and pushed again. "Oh God... do that again."
Another push. "That?" asked Dante.
"Mmm... yes," Randal moaned hotly as he felt Dante push into him again and again. He leaned back on the couch. He closed his eyes as he basked in the feel of being fucked again and again. Oh God, it felt so good. And so... tantalizing... in a way. Dante was
going slow, a necessity when you went for sideways, and it both satisfied and maddened Randal. He kept wanting more and quickly and there was only so much... but God, Dante was so hard. He moaned and begged and pleaded.
And Dante only kept going. His breathing became heavy as he pressed into Randal again and again. God, he loved this. Randal could say what he wanted about him being a bitch (and Dante could be if he felt so inclined), but there was no doubt from the way his blond lover was moaning that Randal wanted this as much as he did. As he continued to fuck him, Dante chronicled every moan and sigh that Randal made, and it only turned Dante on more. God, sometimes he felt he could just come with one hot breath from Randal.
Eventually, after an eternity (hours? minutes?), Randal felt Dante's hand moving over his thighs. Dante then wrapped his hand around Randal's shaft and began to stroke him hard. Randal moaned and struggled not to buck his hips as every rational thought in his head disintegrated into nothing but pleasure... then pain as he felt his body tense up. He was close... he was so close. No, forget close. He was fucking there. Dante's hand grasped around him one more time and he was gone. Randal let out a gasp and came.
Dante wasn't far behind. He thrust himself forward twice with all his might and then released his seed into Randal, groaning as he did so.
Dante pulled out of Randal and then lay back on the bed. Randal groaned and got up. He climbed on top of Dante and pulled him close, running his fingers through his hair and giving him a kiss.
"Merry Christmas, Dad," Randal smirked.
Dante shook his head. "Dante. We're supposed to call each other by our real names."
Randal just sighed and shook his head. He kissed Dante. "Fuck you, I'll call you whatever I want."
"Asshole."
"Prick."
Dante paused, and then suddenly laughed again.
"What?" Randal realized what they just said and laughed too. "Oh... Wow. That was bad."
"We're getting corny in our parenthood," commented Dante.
"Just a bit." Randal kissed his lover. "Merry Christmas, Dante."
"Merry Christmas, Randal."
The End.