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[quicksand_]

ahh. i need your help! i've written a story for my creative writing workshop, but i'm dreadfully unsure of it. so, because all of you are absolutely maddeningly brilliant, maybe you can help? there's a certain line i've left blank because i can't for the life of me think what the character would say. i need suggestions. also, general critique. does

Comments

[abraxa]

loooove it. <3

[turnedoffneon]

it's poetic and very lovely.
i couldn't say what would go in the blank.

[taintedsky]

i really love it. i myself am horrible at dialogue (so you can imagine my current drama section of my writing class is stressing me out!!) so i don't know what you could put into the blank. i think perhaps you could write "you are (whatever her name is)" or "you're my friend" or "you're just you" or something along those lines because if it's too extravagant and lyrical then i don't see why the narrator would be disappointed

[taintedsky]

okay i totally READ 'delilah' but my fingers refused to type it like that.

[quicksand_]

ah, thankyou. so. much.

you've brought up really good points. this is exactly what i was looking for, and i really appreciate it. especially the playing dress up / mall contrast. i completely missed that and it's rather crucial. i left the ages a bit ambiguous on purpose, but there is a strange jump there. i was thinking they were around 12-15, but they're looking younger than that. i wrote this over a few days and hate reading and rereading because eventually i get tired of what i wrote altogether. i end up making technical mistakes, and i always need someone to go over and catch them. anyhow, thankyou thankyou thankyou.

[constelacion]

I like this. for some reason, I would just take out this:

"that is not yet years past the expiration date." part of that sentence. It don't know why exactly, but it didn't sit right for me; cans don't usually have expiration dates?

maybe for that missing dialogue you could just say, "You are."